100+ Halloween Jokes

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

What is a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween? Free delivery!

Halloween Party (NSFW) A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis... Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"

A cabbie picks up a nun A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK...... My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween.. guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

Another Halloween joke There's a costume party, and this guy shows up dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans. The host yells at him: "You were supposed to dress up man, and you just show up shirtless?" The guy replies: "I'm a premature ejaculation. I just came in my pants."

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar... For the BOOOOS

So to celebrate the Halloween season... ... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin.

Why do IT people have trouble telling Christmas from Halloween? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31.

Read this in a playboy magazine years ago. A married couple was invited to a masked Halloween ball. On the night of the party, the wife had a headache and told her husband to go to the event alone. Reluctantly, he agreed. He put on his bear costume, grabbed the head piece and left. The wife fell asleep and woke up an hour later feeling great so she decided to go to the party after all. It occurred to her that, since her husband didn't know what costume she was wearing, she'd be able to see how he behaved when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she spotted her husband in his bear costume flirting with every woman in sight. She approached him, wanting to see just how far he would go, and after a few drinks he propositioned her. They went into the bathroom and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, the wife slipped away and went home. She was sitting up in bed fuming when her husband returned. She asked about his night. He said, "Oh, it was the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Really?" she said, getting angry. "You didn't meet anyone interesting?" He replied, "I didn't talk to anyone new. It was pretty boring. The guys and I went into the spare room and played poker all night." She said, "You must have been uncomfortable wearing your bear costume playing poker." Her husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my dad."

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time.

I told my wife: There's only one thing that scares me during Halloween... My wife: "Which is?" Me: "Exactly"

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

There are three naked men outside a Halloween party. The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume. The first man found a bucket of red paint. He decided to cover his whole body in red paint. He walked up to the bouncer of the party. The bouncer asked "What is your costume?" The first man said "I'm anger." He was let in The second man found a bucket of blue paint. He covered his whole body in blue paint, and walked up to the bouncer. The bouncer asked "What's your costume?" The second man replied "I'm sadness." He was also let in. The third man found an old, rotten pear in the trash can. He couldn't find anything else worthy of putting on his body, so he jammed his dick into the pear. Confidently, he walked up to the bouncer. The bouncer was disgusted. "What the hell is your costume supposed to be?!" He exclaimed. The third man replied "Don't you see? I'm fucking despair."

My sister has been deeply fascinated by psychopaths for 3 months now and always says she wishes she could stare into the eyes of one for eternity. Today, I found a pair of eyeballs in a container in our freezer, but why do they look so strangely realistic and who just leaves their Halloween decorations in a plastic container inside of their freezer?

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when Sylvester Stallone wanted to dress up as classical composers for Halloween? "You be Beethoven, I'll be Bach."

Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, he’s allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentine’s day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and he’s happy Have to love Easter, baby

Halloween Joke This guy goes to a Halloween costume party, but he’s just wearing street clothes, and he has his girlfriend sitting on his shoulders. The host says to him, “Dude, this is a Halloween party! You’re supposed to be wearing a costume?” The guy replies, I am wearing a costume! I’m a snail!” “You’re a snail?” “Yeah, I’m a snail,” says the guy. Then he points to his girlfriend and says, “This is Michelle.”

My wife tried My wife tried to fuck my ass today I was like “wtf no what’s wrong with you” and she’s like “baby it’s Halloween it’s a peggin holiday”

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever! Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. Stop clicking on click-bait! (note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).

My halloween costume this year is a period... I'll show up late and scare the shit out of everyone

Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

What is Easter? As told to me by a priest when I was little: Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?" The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents." Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas." The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put on masks and go door to door saying 'trick or treat' and getting candy." Saint Peter says, "No. You're thinking of Halloween. How have you all not heard of Easter? Do you know what Easter is?" he says, motioning to the third. The final Catholic says, "I apologize for my friends. I know what Easter is. Easter is when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was crucified under Pontius Pilate for the forgiveness of our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried. They put his body in a tomb and rolled a big stone in front of it. On the third day, the disciples rolled the rock away, and they saw Jesus Christ had risen from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures..." "That's an excellent answer!" St. Peter exclaimed. "...and as he rose from the dead, Christ saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter."

Why do computer programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

A Halloween Limerick A lady vampire named Mable Had a period that was awfully stable. So once a full moon She took out her spoon And drank herself under the table.

Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday? Because they like to pumpkin. I'll see myself out...

What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't like when random people come knocking on their door.

Jehova's witnesses don't celebrate halloween I guess they just don't appreciate random people coming up and knocking on their doors.

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because OCT 31=DEC 25

THE GOVINATOR Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I'll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I'll be Bach."

Why does Gandalf never dress as a pimp for halloween? Because he doesn't want to be taken as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

THE NUN AND THE CAB RIDE A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that... 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar. The bartender says, “why are you wearing that outfit, it isn’t halloween!” Lincoln says, “But I am Abraham Lincoln!” and shows his ID. Turns out he is just a regular guy who happens to have the name Abraham Lincoln. “Ok,” says the bartender. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re dressed as a wizard.”

What's a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

Topical Jokes for 10/19 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds. In Beijing, thousands of marathon runners wore face masks because it’s hard to breathe the city’s polluted air. It turned out many of the people running weren’t actually in the marathon, they were just running to get out of Beijing. Apple’s new wireless payment service Apple Pay is available this week. Once you’ve installed Apple Pay on your iPhone, you’ll instantly be charged for U2’s new album. …Apple Pay allows you to easily send ransom payments whenever hackers steal the naked pictures from your iPhone. In Colorado, parents are being urged to check their Halloween candy to see if it’s been laced with marijuana. Once they’ve confirmed that the candy doesn’t have marijuana in it, they should immediately throw it in the trash. …Colorado parents are going to be especially vigilant, when they wake their kids up at 3pm, to go trick-or-treating on November 2nd.

Why couldn't the bee dress as a ghost for Halloween? Because people are offended by seeing Boo Bees.

Why do rednecks love Halloween? (NSFW) Because they love to pump kin.

Whats a rednecks favorite thing to do on Halloween? Pump Kin

What do people from West Virginia do on Halloween? Pump Kin.

What do they do in West Virginia for Halloween? Pump Kin

I told a joke I made up last Halloween! It got me a few Snickers.

What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? They pump kin

I'm going to dress up as laundry next Halloween bitches love doing laundry.

Old joke for Halloween. Why do witches not wear panties? For better grip on the broom

Son accidentally sees Dad put a condom on Dad tells him he was just dressing his penis as a ghost for Halloween. When mom gets home, she asks the son if he wants to be Casper for Halloween. He says, "No way, my sister is going as a ghost eater." ----- Happy Halloween Everyone!

Terminator, RoboCop, & Optimus Prime are all together thinking of their next costume for Halloween... when RoboCop says "We should all be classical musical composers; I'll be..Beethoven!".   Optimus Prime agrees and says "alright - I'll be..Mozart!".   Terminator stands up and says "I'll be Bach!".

I was thinking about going as a band-aid for Halloween... But I decided against it. It would be too hard to pull off.

This Halloween, I put a potato in my pants and ordered people around. I was a dictator.

What do cows say on Halloween? Still moo.

Ive got an idea for a Halloween party costume... I'll go only in my pants so when people ask what I'm whereing I'll say, " Im premature ejaculation, so I just came in my pants."

Why does Barbie like Halloween? It's pump-ken time

Why was the ghost late to the halloween party? He had to take a sheet.

I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work... ...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.

"I'm not racist. I have several friends who are black... for Halloween. "

Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 25 DEC = 31 OCT.

Desperate to get laid, so I'm going to my next Halloween party dressed as a giant anus ...I hear that hot girls love having sex with assholes

Last Halloween Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."

I'm dressing up as a (dead) hooker for Halloween...what are some lines you NEVER want to hear a hooker say? For example, "I just need to put some ointment on my herpes, and then we are good to go." I know, I'm terrible at this! Please help!

Why doesn't Gandalf dress as a pimp for Halloween? So people do not take him as a conjurer of cheap tricks.

For Halloween i'm dressing up as a cloud and handing out celebrity nude photos instead of candy.

Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Why was there no food left at the Halloween party? Because everyone was a goblin

How do red necks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin

What do Hillbillies do for Halloween? Pump kin

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.” She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.” She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that… 1) You have to be single and 2) You must be Catholic.” The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!” “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?” “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.” The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

The best part about being ugly? You don't have to change your profile picture for Halloween.

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

A nerdy sysadmin joke for today Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas? Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)

A little boy with a speech impediment goes trick or treating as a pirate... He gets to the first house and an old lady answers the door. She says, "Well aren't you cute. Who are you dressed as?" He replies, "I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword and my batch!" , pointing to the stuffed parrot on his shoulder, waving his sword and pointing to his eye patch respectively. The old lady throws some candy in his bag and wishes him a good night. He heads to the next house. A man answers. "Trick or Treat", the boy shouts. The man says "Well look at you!... Who are you dressed as?" "I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword, and my batch!" "Alright Blackbeard! Here you go! Happy Halloween!", says the man as he throws candy into the boy's bag. The boy heads to the next house where a nice middle age woman answers the door. "Trick or Treat!", shouts the boy. "Well you are just the cutest!... Who are you?" says the woman. "I'm a birate! I got my barrot, my bword, and my batch!" "Well, where are you're buccaneers?", she asks. He motions to the side of his head with his sword and exclaims, "They're right here lady!...Open your buckin' eyes!"

Really stupid math joke What do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Dec 25 = Oct 31

A guy goes to a Halloween party with nothing but a condom on his nose... Someone asks him "what have you come as." The guy shrugs his shoulders and says "fuck knows"

[Request] What's your favorite adult-themed Halloween joke? My favorite is: "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies."

Its Halloween and there’s a knock on my door I shout to my wife... "Honey there's a witch at the door what should I do?" She replied, "Just give her some candy and tell her to fuck off." My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk's face.

Why do engineers confuse Christmas and Halloween? Because OCT 31= DEC 25

Scariest Halloween Costume My buddy just dropped this one on me before our Halloween party... I'm going to dress up as a period for the Halloween Party and I'll show up late, because there isn't anything scarier then that shit

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year... Now, it's Election night.

What does R. Kelly tell little girls on Halloween? Urine for a treat!

LITTLE JOHNNY'S HALLOWEEN Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?" "My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny. "Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted. "No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

So a man was going as Adam from Adam and Eve for a Halloween costume. So he went to a costume shop and asked the lady working there for a leaf to wear, so the lady brought out a leaf and the guy said, "bigger", so the lady brought out another leaf and the man said "bigger" again, this went on a few more times and the lady finally came out and said, "why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gas pump?"

You're an EXTREME redneck when... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

A man hosted a Halloween party A man hosted a Halloween party where the theme was emotions. The first party guest shows up all in green, the host asks what he is, "I'm green in envy" said the guest. The next party guest shows up dressed in all red, the host asks what he's supposed to be, "Well I'm red with anger." He replied. The next guest shows up to the door completely naked except for a pear ontop of his dick. The host asks what he is supposed to be and the naked man replies "I'm deep in dis-pear"

What drink do you have on Halloween? Mali-BOO

Another Halloween joke. A skeleton walks into a bar... He orders a beer, and a mop.

[oc] Halloween. Three boys knock on the door of an old lady. They are in single file and stand there silently. She says to the first boy "Well? It is Halloween right? When you come to the door what do you say??". The boys start to chuckle as Spiderman mumbled "trick or treat?". He takes his candy in silence as the woman asks "now what do you say?". The boys laugh a little harder as the boy mutters a thank you. When the vampire approaches silently she becomes irritated. "You clearly heard me earlier...you were laughing. What do you say?" The boys laugh louder and he gets his treat. "Now what do you say?" nearly falling over with laughter the boy thanks her. The woman becomes agitated and asks them why they think that politeness is a joke to them. The third boy was dressed as a fox. EDIT content and some caps original from mobile.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween? Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas confused? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Why was the empty penis so scary? Because it was a hollow wiener (halloweener) [works better spoken - I think - just made it up in the shower]

Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween? Because they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.

What did the cheese go as for Halloween A muenster

Son: what shall I go as to the Halloween party, mum? Mum: Hang your GCSE results around your neck and go as a fucking idiot, son.

I think it's a shame that young people today no longer even know why we celebrate Halloween. None of us would be here today if Jesus hadn't slain that fucking giant pumpkin.

How do you make Halloween great again? By carving a Trumpkin

I love Halloween... It's the only time of the year that I can lure young children in with candy without using my van.

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered - the chicken.

I need assistance reddit. I work with kids and need jokes puns and otherwise for fall and Halloween. The more groan worthy the better. Once i have enough i will put them in a box/ bag appropriately named the "monster box" since it looks like a green monster.