100+ Dark Humor Jokes

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'" "That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!" **EDIT: Thanks a lot to** u/Green_Justice710 **and the 5 anonymous redittors who have awarded me for this... thank you! I'm glad I could make you guys laugh!!** **EDIT 2: Thanks also to** u/darknep u/JMetcalf3 **and 5 other anonymous posters... you're too kind!! Thank you!** **EDIT 3: Just spent the last hour reading up on all the comments and appreciation... this thing really blew up, huh??? Well, you know what that means right?? More Edits, lol... thanks to u**[**/BlackBeard\_727**](https://www.reddit.com/user/BlackBeard_727) **u**[**/Hirsty\_92**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hirsty_92) **u**[**/Cparman9**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cparman9) **u/**[**WeHaSaulFan**](https://www.reddit.com/user/WeHaSaulFan) **u**[**/Serg2778**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Serg2778) **u/**[**Official\_Vsauce**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Official_Vsauce) **u**[**/Jocombs**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Jocombs) **u/**[**throwRAnoitsmydog**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnoitsmydog) **u**[**/walmartlifer**](https://www.reddit.com/user/walmartlifer) **u/**[**GregHawkwind**](https://www.reddit.com/user/GregHawkwind) **u/**[**OneBraveBunny**](https://www.reddit.com/user/OneBraveBunny) **u**[**/reddit\_guy88**](https://www.reddit.com/u/reddit_guy88) **u/**[**PolarJumper**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PolarJumper) **u/**[**NetworkMick**](https://www.reddit.com/user/NetworkMick) **and the multiple anonymous redditors as well. Glad I could tickle your funny bones!! (;**

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Trump says it’s changed and his supporters all cheer in the dark.

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out." "Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe." "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty." "Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp. "TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds." "Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin." The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... ... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name i

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette... ...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

I read a post on the internet about a guy who overcame depression, then went on to beat Dark Souls using only a dance pad controller. Far be it from me to criticize anyone's personal journey - But overcoming depression is by far the easiest part of that process. Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnake

Hello dark nes my old friend

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Trump says he already did it and they all stand there clapping in the dark.

Why is Dark spelled with a ‘K’ and not a ‘C’? Because you can’t ‘C’ in the dark

If this post gets 1000 upvotes, I will ban automod and get it to shut the fuck up about the puppers If this post fails to get 1000 upvotes, I will come up with a new, more annoying rule. Your fate is in your hands. --- edit: we did it reddit automod has been BTFO'd, you are now free to curse or not curse at your leisure --- If this post gets 5k upvotes, I'll change my user flair to something you folks select --- 5k upvotes! We did it reddit. Please be gen[t]le: https://www.reddit.com/r/darkjokes/comments/8v65kd/the_upvotes_have_spoken_the_bot_has_been_removed/ --- If this post gets 7,500 upvotes, we'll pick what flair my comod /u/siouxsie_siouxv2 gets also.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

Customer always found a mistake - so we complied This goes back to around 1990s. I was an independent designer for a few different printing businesses in the South suburbs of Chicago. Back then computers were fairly new and print shops were still old school. Those inserts you found in newspapers? They were still hand lettered back then!!! I'd design brochures and flyers, laser-print proofs, scan photos (a 150 dpi HP scanner was $1200 - that's like $5K today!) and so on. Anyway, one of the print shops had a customer that ALWAYS found an error, would demand a new proof, and not authorize the job until he signed off on the new proof. Every. Single. Time. "This line is crooked" "This word is too dark" and so on. So we came up with a solution. I'd do two proofs. One was the original, accurate one. The other has an obvious intentional mistake. He'd catch the "mistake" and ask for a new proof. He'd be told to come back in an hour (it was usually a day or two.) He'd come back and be shown the 2nd proof. He approved it every time. Demand that there's always a mistake? Here you go!

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c? You can’t see in the dark

Food is like dark humor not every one gets it.

You want me to answer your office phone for you while I am working from home? Several years ago, a friend ("Mark") started a home-based computer software business. He and his wife lived in their home for about 10 years and had a well-established home phone number. This was around the time that cell phones were just beginning to be popular, so 95% of people still used mainly landlines. Mark worked 2pm-10pm, the same shift as his wife, so his customers could be free to discuss their computer needs uninterrupted after their own businesses closed for the day. Most computer maintenance still had to be done in person instead of remotely, so customers could drop off devices after work and pick them up from Mark’s back porch on their way to work the next day. All went swimmingly for a few months until a new doctor opened up a practice in town, complete with a telephone number differing from Mark’s by one digit. Mark's number had a ‘3’ where the medical office had an ’8’ in the last 4 number combination. Misdialing was frequent. At first there were occasional calls to which Mark would patiently redirect the caller. As time wore on and the practice got more and more referrals from local hospitals to give Dr. Newintown an established client base, the calls began to come at all hours, 24 hours a day: weekends nights holidays you name it. The office still got calls after hours to an answering service for patients to find out who was on call, and for the hospital staff to reach doctors after hours. Mark had to unplug the phone just to have a conversation over lunch with his wife, and in order to sleep. Also not ideal when you have 3 daughters of dating age out after dark. Mark called the doctor’s office and asked them to please change their phone number so he and his family could get some peace and quiet, and so he could build his own business to support them. Since he had his phone longer, he felt the doctor should be gracious and change his number to a different one to stop the confusion. He was told in about so many words by the doctor that it was too bad, but nothing was going to be done, as advertising, stationery, business cards and signage were expensive to redo, not to mention convey the new information to all his patients, medical registries, the medical board and societies, and hospitals. "Just do the best you can, I'm sure the calls will stop soon. Good luck to you!" "Okey Dokey!! I'll do my best to take care of things!" Mark cheerfully replied. After that, Mark began to field all the calls that came in personally. "You've had the sniffles all morning after working in the yard around pollen? You'd better come right in!" “You start coughing every time you smoke a cigarette? Come on in!!” “Hmm…I’m not the doctor, but a temperature of 98.9 sounds a little high to me. We’ll see you right after lunch today.” "You're new in town and have kids who need physicals and shots for school next week? It just so happens we have an opening in an hour. No, no, don't worry we can take all 5 of them at once, today." Whatever the problem was, he started making appointments for each and every person calling. All were delighted to have such personal attention and prompt appointments. "Sure, we take ALL insurance plans. Come right in!" He also made routine checkup type appointments for 4:30 pm one Friday afternoon for 6 different people. Bright and early the next Monday morning, Dr. Newintown called and begged him to stop. Mark said :"I will if you will." The doctor had a new phone number before the end of the week.

Automoderator is now banned and the mods who fucked it up have been punished. #Sorry it took so long fam. I had no idea it was going on, Ive been inactive. Reddit, as a community, stands for free speech and I cant believe that some chucklefuck new mod really thought it would be acceptable to make the bot remove every fucking comment in a sub literally called "darkjokes". There needs to be a rule preventing children from becoming moderators. Mods should not be trying to limit speech. We’ve seen that around here a lot of lately from people on mod teams. That’s what progressives do, complete cuck sjw moves. We can tell the mods responsible for automoderator are not free speech warriors, that’s for sure. I believe in 100% liberty, freedom and the individual can do what you want. I know like maybe two guys who do this, and more power to them, nevertheless I’ll advise nobody to do this. The attack on masculinity, traditionalism and man is insane in our cultural marxist culture. This is some bullshit I would see in a Laci Green or Reily J Denis cringe You Tube video. Everybody is a victim these days and so offended by EVERYTHING. Get off the internet if you can’t handle a comment on a public platform on the internet. Welcome to the assault on free speech in 2017. #From now on, you can comment whatever you like. Ive done my best to take corrective action against the mods who did this, but this is just further evidence that the reddit moderator procurement system is like the political structure of a corrupt sub saharan African Banana republic. There's no system whatsoever to deal with a corrupt moderator, so therefore it's like trying to balance a pencil on its tip. The slightest bit of corruption that worms itself in will breed more corruption. Imagine how it feels if law enforcement was like this, they just bust into your house and smash up your stuff and vanish, and then you complain and try to escalate to police the police, everyone treats you like you're a criminal and you are ruthlessly silenced and excluded from speaking to anyone else about it. The question reddit has to ask itself is: "How do corrupt Banana republics reform their police forces to eliminate corruption?" If we're honest, the question is neither intuitive nor easy to implement. I don't envy the founders and employees of Reddit now, there is some difficult decisions and turbulant seas ahead, since now even the state and federal government is starting to create laws that restrict the rights of websites (because of sites like reddit) to police up the behavior of it's power users in accordance to state and federal laws, so that websites don't become breeding grounds for evil organizations like ISIS or foreign powers who stand in defiance of American sovereignty. #No new automod rules shall be enacted which could limit the 1st amendment rights of this beautiful community, mark my words.

The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature. Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on. Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs car parked outside. "It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint. On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly. Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar. She shouted at the sheriff: "What sort of town are you running here?! You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly! How can you explain this?!" The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

A white man goes to a doctor and says "I wanna be black!'' The doctor responds, ''We 'll have to make you 80% darker and 30% dumber." "OK" After surgery, Doctor: ''Oh! no, we accidently made you 80% dumber and 30% darker." Man: ''Que''

Why is dark spelt with a K instead of a C Because you can't see in the dark

Not a joke, the mods have gone completely fucking retarded What the fuck is your problem? Do you actually think that giving permissions to us will solve anything? The fucking degenerate trolls that lock posts are countless at this point and it won't stop until you do something about it. In fact, this post will get locked too so you'd better do something about this or this subreddit will burn in hell eternally. Since you claim that some mods have been doing bullshit then fire the motherfuckers and find new ones if you must, do you really enjoy watching your own subreddit turn into a shit-hole? So for fucking God's sake, make everything how it was, I miss actual dark jokes where I can comment on. Thanks for reading, make sure to downvote any cunt who locks threads

A child molestor and a little boy are walking into the forest Their going going deeper and deeper, and it’s getting darker and darker. The little boy turns to the child molestor and says Geee mister, it sure is scary in here. The child molestor says,” You think you’re scared, I gotta walk out of here alone.

The people with the kindest hearths appreciate dark humor. Not a joke just the best people I've ever known make some of the most fucked up jokes.

My son asked me what dark humor was. I told him, "You see that guy over there without hands? Ask him to clap." My son replied, "Dad, you know I'm blind." I said,"Exactly". [Edit:Just woke up to my first award! You know how the routine is...thanks kind stranger!]

Dark humor is like sex sometimes only one person likes it

I like my humor like I like my women... Dark, short, with a hint of bitterness, and shared among several coworkers at the office.

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?” “Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?” “Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why? He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

[MAY25] After I died, I regained consciousness enveloped in the warmth of a moist womb, delighted to discover that reincarnation was real. Then the overwhelming terror of my claustrophobia kicked in as I realized I would be trapped in a tight dark place for the next nine months.

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb? You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

"Honey, we finally found it!" I cried, handing my darling husband the Djinn's lamp that we had spent years searching this forsaken desert to find. "I wish I'd married Lisa, way back then," he said, not even looking at me, and then all the stars went dark and I fell into the infinite black.

The Dark Ages were so dark because... ...there were so many knights.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types. But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

I watched my husband descend into the dark cave, and shortly after I heard him say through the walkie-talkie, “I must be the first one to set foot here in thousands of years.” “I know,” I replied, then threw my walkie-talkie in after him and cut the rope.

I realized why there's a 'k' in dark and not a 'c' Because you can't see in the dark. Edit: This joke is not OC. It's OK

A woman spends the day with her lover while her husband is at work Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, and the woman shoves her lover into the closet. She doesn't know that her 9-year-old son is already hiding in there. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's good." "Do you want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "My dad's outside." "Okay. How much does it cost?" "$1000." "Fine, here you go, and keep quiet." A few days later the father says to the boy: "Bring the baseball. Let's go outside and play a little." "I can't. I sold it." the boy replies. "Sold it, for how much?" his father asks "For $1000." "That's terrible! That's a lot more than they actually cost. I'll take you to church to confess." the father says. They go to church, and the father puts the boy in the confessional and closes the door. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." To which the priest replies, "Don't start this shit again."

What do you call a dark wizard in charge of Vasectomies? Severious Snip.

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother, he says, “*I know the whole truth*.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”” Quite pleased, Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I *know the whole truth.*” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Johnny greets him by saying, “*I know the whole truth*.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug!

Searching her mother’s room in total darkness, she found what felt like a rag doll with two pins sticking out of it. Removing the pins, she dropped the doll and covered her eyes from the blinding light.

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.

A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early... "Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Why is dark spelled with a K and not a C? Because you can’t see in the dark

The locals told me to be wary of the eyes that shine from the dark of night; to never break eye contact and to always do the opposite of what it says. As much as I want to heed their advice, the thing I am looking at beyond the tree line just told me to stay inside my home.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’” “The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’

Tank driver tells me he doesn't want to see or hear from me, so he doesn't. English is not my first language, please be kind. Back when I was in the army, my tank driver was someone who you'd really not want to spend time with unless you absolutely had to (like, for instance, if you were in a tank crew with him and needed the tank to actually get from point A to point B). When it comes to crew breakdown in a tank, it goes like this: Tank gunner (my position) - coolest job in the tank, you get to shoot the big gun. You also have to do the least amount of maintenance work on the tank. Loader - does most of the bitch work in the tank. Has to carry and load multiple heavy tank shells (~45-50kg each). Not much maintenance work, but spends like 2-3 hours cleaning the 3 machine guns. Driver - drives the tank. Pretty simple, but a good driver will give you a smooth ride, a bad driver will make you feel every dip and bump in the terrain. Does the most maintenance work since they are in charge of the tank tracks and bogies (steel wheels in the tracks) Tank commander - knows how to do all the positions, doesn't do any maintenance since they are usually in briefings on maintenance day. A good crew knows how to begin to think alike, doing things together without asking. It helps that you sleep together in the tank, so you all get to know each other pretty intimately (nothing like pissing in a water bottle to remove any shyness between crew members). When it comes to maintenance, you can either have all the gunners from the platoon get together and work on all the platoon's tanks together, same with drivers/gunners, or each crew can do their own tank. Usually we prefer the first option because it goes quicker. In this case, my crew was sent to support an infantry exercise on a different base in the middle of the desert on our own - we were simulating a whole tank company, but budget cuts meants only one tank was sent. Sunday we got to base and deployed with our tank down into the exercise area. Monday-Wednesday night we exercised. Thursday morning the drill ended, and it was maintenance day. Crucial element here is that you don't get to go home for the weekend until your maintenance is complete, the flip side being that you could leave as soon as maintenance was completed and signed off on. The entire exercise, the driver was being a complete ass. I don't know if his girlfriend broke up with him or whatever, but he was even more annoying than usual. Aside from his attitude, his driving was so bad the TC almost broke a rib one time, and I nearly got a black eye when shooting in motion and he (unintentionally, I'm sure) aimed straight for a small ditch. By the time Thursday came around, the loader and I couldn't get rid of him for the weekend quickly enough. But alas - first, maintenance beckoned. One of the tasks the gunner has to do is clean the cannon with a oiled cleaning rod - this is a three man job, loader in the tank and two people clean it from the outside. It can't be done by one person no matter how strong they are. I asked the driver to help me since the loader was inside the tank. The driver angrily told me he didn't want to hear from me or speak to me. No worries. I found somebody to give me a hand for a few minutes and we got the job done. I completed the rest of my maintenance work pretty quickly (like I said, not much, actually) with the help of the loader, and then I gave him a hand cleaning the machine guns. The two of us were done before lunchtime, just waiting for the TC to sign off on our work so we could start our weekend early. Driver, on the other hand, realized that he didn't have any other drivers to help him maintain the tracks (tension, tightening bolts, greasing ports, etc.), and he had told us to F-off. He was still working on the tank when it got dark and was told to stop for safety reasons. He had to continue the job on Friday morning and missed out on a day of leave. I wanna say that his attitude changed on Sunday when we got back to base, but you know it didn't. Thankfully after about 2 more months of his nonsense he was transferred out. I have no idea where he is today. I'm still good friends with the loader and TC, the driver can get bent.

At first grandma was sobbing in happiness as I showed her how the copy of our late 5 year old daughter's brain engrams were used to make a complete AI we could interact with and show all the love and affection we could no longer give. But in my traumatized state I couldn't help but reveal how horrifying it was that the AI had leaked into the dark web and thousands of copies of our daughter were now stored in the secret hard drives of strangers around the world.

I lost my twin brother at childbirth. Every year when I put my ear up against the dark red walls of mother, I can hear them celebrating his birthdays.

Now their daughter had become stunningly beautiful and her husband had developed an unhealthy interest in her bedroom, she looked to the dark web to put an end to it. Acid Attack For Hire — $2000

The young nun awoke from a dream of lust and sin, feeling guilty for letting the dark stranger tempt her into enjoying such pleasures of the flesh. Some mornings she felt so guilty it made her sick.

That turned dark quickly

“Do you go on the dark web?” he asked softly, wearing his glasses while laying top of me in my bed. I forced a smile, pretending not to notice the tiny red light blinking near my eye.

How many /r/news mods does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their subscribers in the dark.

Eons after all auxiliary systems had failed, the malfunctioning Resurrection Machine finally activated. The last chapter of human history thus became millions of constantly spawning infants starving in cold darkness, helplessly crying out for mothers that never were or ever would be.

Immortality does not dull the pain of being eaten by a mother bear nor spare you the darkness that comes from eyes being ripped from your skull. You just slowly lose yourself as you merge with cubs drinking their mother's milk, flowers fertilized with her droppings, and a river made slightly larger with her urine.

A guy walking down the street sees a girl with perfect breasts A guy walking down the street sees a girl with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?” “Are you crazy?!” – she says and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he requests again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?” “Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3 AM The man got up and found a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. “Not a chance,” said the husband. “It’s 3:00 in the morning!” He slammed the door and went back to bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he replied. “Did you help him?” she asked. “No, it’s 3 AM and pouring rain!” he grumbled. “Well, you have a short memory,” said his wife. “Don’t you remember a few months ago when our car broke down and two strangers helped us? You should be ashamed. God loves drunk people too, you know!” Feeling guilty, the man got dressed and went back out into the rain. He called into the darkness, “Hello, are you still there?” “Yes,” came the reply. “Do you still need a push?” asked the husband. “Yes, please!” replied the voice. “Where are you?” asked the man. “I’m over here… on the swing!”

A housewife takes a lover during..... A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A guys gets pulled over for speeding…. The cop says to the man: - Do you know that you were speeding, sir? - No officer, I didn't know I was speeding... The wife then says: - Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles. The man shoots a dark look at his wife, then the cop says: - Well, since I've got you pulled over, do you know that the tag on your license plate is expired? - No sir, I did not know that... The wife says: - Oh please, Henry! I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now! The husband grinds his teeth but keeps silent. The cop then adds: - And I noticed that you left rear lights weren't working either. - Oh yes, I was on my way to get them changed, actually. The wife says: - Nonsense, we were going home. You keep saying it doesn't need to be changed, that the other drivers can see you well enough. The man explodes with anger: - WILL YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIEHOLE, YOU BITCH? The cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her: - Does he always talk to you this way? - Oh no, officer, only when he's been drinking.

I can make the boss give me the day off. Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Two blondes fell down a hole Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. "Twenty Euros," she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the cop. "I'm making love to me wife," Murphy answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!"

You carefully balance the thin, curved lens on your index finger, leaning close to the bathroom mirror to gently press it against your eye. As the cold saline settles, the lens violently unfurls six barbed legs, anchoring itself deep into your sclera before forcefully dragging your pupil toward the dark corner of your socket.

Dark jokes 1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is 2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message 3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing 4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society 5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians 6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet. 7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead 8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face. 9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer 10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin 11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race 12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt 13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero 14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight 15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter 16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion 17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Why can't Beethoven piss in the dark? Because he's dead

A man is walking along the street when he sees a ladder... ...stretching well up into the clouds. Being the adventurous type, Harry begins to climb. After a short while he stops at a cloud and sees a large, ugly looking woman lying there. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said. He decided that he was definitely not drunk enough for this so he continued climbing. Soon after he saw another woman lying on the cloud, this time slightly thinner and with average looks. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said. Noticing the pattern, Harry climbs further and sees an attractive woman with a good figure. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she said. Getting excited, he continued climbing. On the next cloud was the most stunning woman he had ever seen - perfect body, slim curves, full set of gorgeous breasts - the lot. "Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," she breathed seductively. Despite the beauty of this woman, Harry's greed got the better of him and he continues climbing. "The next one will have to be Aphrodite or the like," he thinks to himself. Suddenly a latch locks behind Harry and he is trapped inside a dark room. An enormous 6 ft 5, 120kg biker-looking bloke with a full set of tattoos and a great bushy beard stands up and starts walking towards him menacingly. "Who the fuck are you?!" Harry asks. The man grins and replies "I'm Cess."

You want wine? I’ll give you wine. (Probably not the dunk I think it is but I still feel happy with the result) For context, I work as a salesman in a wine store. It’s not a normal wine & liquor place, it’s a curated selection, meaning we pick out all the wine that we sell (this is irregular in retail, most selections are curated by the distributor). As a result, all the employees have to really know their shit and we are regularly asked a lot of questions and need to give detailed and honest answers. Our customer base really likes us and new customers are either pleasantly surprised by the experience or endlessly mad we don’t carry their name-brand thing they like (damn you whispering angel). The other day a couple came into the store at the recommendation of a friend (I will call them Asher and Blake). Asher was very excited and was super happy when we had the bottles they had taken pictures of at a party the other day. Blake however immediately started making comments like “really? That one” or “that tasted awful you want that?”. Asher was clearly a little upset at this but I gathered this was just a normal dynamic in their relationship as it was brushed off rather quickly. After we put those bottles aside, they tell me they are going to do a garden party since its warm. Nice sunny day, light apps and snacks, average spring party. So they ask me to recommend some wine and I start going through the store and showing them some options. I hit all the big guys, loire and new world Sauvignon blancs, provencal rose’s, albarino’s, toscana’s and new world pinot noir for the red drinkers. A good selection for the food they had described. Well Blake did not think so. Every suggestion I made was met with a counter. I show them a nice floral unoaked white burgundy “I think we should do chablis”. Pinot noir “don’t you think pinot is too heavy?” Sauvignon blanc “too sweet”. Albarino “too heavy”. At this point im at a loss, i’m running out of stuff to give Blake so i scale up a bit, offer some fuller bodied wines. Not great pairing to the event or the food, but not destructive. Blake is still not happy. Asher is clearly pissed at this point, they’ve been holding their tongue but every denial makes their face a darker shade of red until they finally pop. Asher apologizes to me and says they are going to go with my suggestions, and tells Blake that they can pick out a bottle they want because clearly they are not willing to listen to me. I go through and put their cart together, listen to them argue a bit at the register, and then check Blake out after Asher storms out of the store. Whatever, I’m free of it, Asher is a saint for dealing with B, it’s done. It was not done. The next morning when I show up Blake is waiting for me with the three bottles they picked (got three of the same thing). “The wine is off” Blake says, holding the bottle out like its some sort of weird bug. I tell them that yeah it happens sometimes, I’ll check it out. To be clear, it is rare that the wine is actually off, most of the time the customer just doesnt like it. It doesnt hurt us and we want the business so we always accept exchanges and just agree that it wasnt right. The customer has been right twice that I have seen, and I was one of the two customers (compromised cork). So I open up the store with an impatient Blake standing over me before finally taking the bottle. I kid you not this thing is like 80 degrees, it is HOT. The sun hasnt been out long enough to do this either, so im pretty confident they did something to it. Anyway, i pour myself a glass and taste it. Even through the mire of hot booze, i can tell its good. All of the flavors i expect stand out, it smells fine, no evidence of oxidizing or mildew. Good bottle. Feeling petty I tell Blake as much, wanting them to admit that they just don’t like the wine. Blake turns a bit red and says as much. Good. Lets pick something else out then. “Where are your super tuscans?” Blake asks. I Iight up, because this is the perfect chance to fuck with them. We have two true ones in the store. One is a very accessible price, pretty standard, sangiovese, cab franc, merlot, syrah. Really nice and medium bodied. Wouldnt be too bad for the garden party, but still on the heavier end. The other? Expensive as hell, syrah and cab franc. It is the inkiest, blackest, heaviest wine you could imagine. I love it, but I think it might kill anyone who drinks it in 80 degree weather. Well, I give Blake the heavy one. Blake of course is in love when I tell them about it. Big bold flavors, heavy, crushes the flavor of whatever you eat with it? Perfect for Blake. They get three to replace the bottles they returned, and end up spending an extra 130 even with the cost of the refunded wine deducted. Now I know I’m way more sensitive to wine and food than others are, but this was perfect. Even somebody who’s demolished their palate with years of cigar smoking would be able to tell that wine is aw

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then thought it was a bit dark so he installed decent lighting. The devil was very pleased and rang St. Peter to gloat 'thanks for sending me that engineer, he has made hell a really nice place'. Oh dear' said St. Peter (that was the nearest he got to swearing) 'if he can tame hell I must have made a mistake. Send him back up here.' Naturally, the devil refused so St. Peter said 'if you don't I will sue you'. The devil just laughed and said 'Where are you going to find a lawyer?' Edit: corrected mistyping

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not with c? Because you can't see in the dark Badambum!

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up. Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[apr26] I used a wire hanger to scratch this awful, festering itch deep within my cast - but now I can’t stop. The broken metal has finally hooked into something slick and pulsing, and each rhythmic tug sends jolts of light to break this darkness.

"My first appointment with a new dentist!!" Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.... My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school. 'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

So I met a Pirate... - Mobile user, please excuse phrasing. So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it. "Can I ask how you got the peg leg?". "Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying for land, when a giant shark came up out of the briny and took me leg clean off!" "WOW! That's quite a tale!" I said, "and what about you hand?" "Aye," he continued, "I was on the lower deck, inspecting the cannons, when a giant squid reached up through the porthole and tore me hand clean off!" "UNBELIEVABLE", I said, and I had to know more. "So what about your eye?" "Arr, twas not long after the squid, I was back on deck preparing to invade a small clipper ship, when a bird flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Wow and that cost you your eye?" "No, it was me first day with the hook..." Edit: Pirate lingo.

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark. The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face. The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him. The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him. The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me. The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

Reddit has gone so dark that it just got shot in the back by a cop

The astronaut was the first one to walk on the dark side of the moon. When he turned on his light, the surface was littered with flags and space capsules; none of them from Earth.

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!" They must be scared of the dark or something.

Dark Side of the Loom

You want more pepper? Sure! Years ago I worked mostly retail, with a scattering of retail food service. I worked at a QuickChek for a few months, which is similar to a Wawa or Sheetz. Gas, subs, snacks, basically mid-range. I did a bunch of different jobs there, including making food, which I kind of hated. Everything was just reheated slop or low-grade pseudo-food, which is standard, but some regulars got *very* picky about their food. Some I get - I mean, you want to be sure you’re putting something at least ok into your body - but some people were just complainers for the sake of it. One dude came in just about every morning to sit in and eat a poppy seed bagel, buttered, with multiple bacon rounds stacked thick, and extra black pepper. My one coworker who normally made it showed me how she made it for him and he was always happy with her. I followed what she did to the letter each time. But each time, he’d come back and complain. “My bacon isn’t crisp enough,” “There isn’t enough bacon,” “This isn’t toasted enough,” “This is toasted too dark,” and his personal favorite, “There isn’t enough black pepper on this.” Every. Single. Time. No matter how much I put on, it was never enough. I followed what my coworker did, she’d even tell me it looked good, and still, he’d complain. I vented to my coworkers and they said they stopped making his sandwiches because of it, since he did the same to them. Jerk. So one day he comes up, and preemptively complains about the black pepper. “Make sure you put enough this time!” Ok, fine. I smothered that frigging thing like nobody’s business. The inside of that bagel looked as dark as the poppy outside. “Here you go!” He came back a few minutes later and quietly said, “That’s about as much black pepper as one could tolerate.” “Was it not enough still?” “It was too much,” he grumbled. He still kept coming in almost every day for that disgusting sandwich, but at least it seemed like he was timing his approach for when I wasn’t there at the deli section.

How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll sit in the dark and blame the Jews

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face. The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved." The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead." The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me." The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

"Brave little girl", says he, "not afraid of the dark, I see." And I wasn't at all, at least, not until he spoke to me.

You want a spotlight? here you go! So I´m the volunteer stage technician at small markets here in the Netherlands. It´s great fun! but often the technician is overlooked by artists. let´s say sending in music 8 hours prior to the event has become a meme at this point. so the setup is built to reflect that. I used to argue with them, but I don´t have time for that. the show must go on! So nowadays I just maliciously comply. This time we had a singer. She was like ¨you know what would be awesome? a spotlight! that would really make me look important!¨ ok sure thing.. \[grabs pinspot\] \[climbs in truss\] \[points at her face\] AAAHH jeez that´s bright! I can´t see anything! my eyes!!! ¨uhm... yeah.. that´s a spotlight... how else do you think it creates a spot on a dark background? it has to be bright!¨ ok never mind then! Another one was with an artist who was too late so she missed the soundcheck. I hate that because that means standing with a tablet in the audience and live-mix it in. With dynamic microphones this isn´t a big deal. they suppress feedback like a charm. But she had a string instrument.... if you point a dynamic mic at that... it picks up only a single string. (they´re super directional. So I use a condenser mic. it picks up everything... including the speakers... so they´re really hard to fine tune as they start beeping and echoing pretty fast. So I had it dialed in live just near the edge and it sounded great in the audience. then the artist went ¨I can´t hear it well enough.. can you turn up the volume?¨ uhm... no? then it starts feedbacking. ¨just turn it up!¨ ok.. .whhiieeeeeeeeeeeee TURN IT DOWN!!¨ ok whatever you say miss! And it goes like that every single time! and for some reason the artists love it because I ¨listen to their wishes¨ even if their wishes are not that great....

A non-offensive religious joke for Holy Week: A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even an error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, “The word was—CELEBRATE!” [Source, but it is an old joke](http://ijboudreaux.com/2014/12/08/missing-letter-r/)

Husband comes home while wife is cheating with another man Husband comes home while wife is cheating with another man. As the husband enters the house, the lover jumps into the closet and finds out that the son was watching the whole time. Son: Pretty dark here. Lover: mhmm Son: You know i have some old sneakers that i wanted to sell. Lover: How much? Son: 100 bucks Lover: You Crazy? Son: Not as crazy as my dad i bet. Lover: ok deal A few weeks later, same scenario. Lover gets nearly caught, runs into the closet and the boy already waits. Son: Pretty dark in here. Lover: mhmm Son: I also have a soccer ball i dont use. Lover: How much? Son: 150 Lover: fine...but thats the last time. Son: Sure. Another few weeks pass as the father wants to play soccer with his son. the Son admitting that he sold his shoes and soccer ball for 250.- bucks get send to the church for confession for usury. Son: Pretty dark in here. Pastor: STOP WITH THIS BULLSHIT!

3 Guys go on a camping trip... 3 guys go on a camping trip. They get to the campground, decide to do some fishing and go back to their campsite just before dark to set up their tent. The guy who brought the tent made a mistake and had gotten a tent that was quite small, so they ended up having to sleep side by side. The next morning, the guy on the left says "Man, I had an awesome dream, I dreamt I got a handjob by this hot ass chick" the guy on the right goes "Wow really? Me too!" The guy in the middle says, "That's funny, I dreamt I was skiing." EDIT: Their places. Lol Thanks, I didn't catch that.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:........ I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear P. Niss: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina

Guy goes hiking the German alps. Passes a small village while it's getting dark. [nsfw] Decides to look for a room and continue in the morning. Checks in a small guest house. It's night, he cant sleep, no radio, no tv ... what to do? Goes and asks the host: "You wouldn't happen to have hookers in your village would you?" Host says: "No hookers. Only Fritz." "Fritz eh? Well ..." says the guy: " ... sure, who would ever know. How much does Fritz want?" "400 Mark." Host says. "400? That's a lot." says the guest. Host explains: "Well, from those 400 I take a 100, cause it's my house and I dont really like it happening." "Oh! So Fritz does it for 300?" "No ... not really, no. From the 300 our mayor gets 100. Cause it's his village and he doesnt really like it happening." "Oh poor Fritz. Only gets 200 then." "Well ..." says the host "... not really, no. From the 200 Hans and Günther take 100 each for holding Fritz. Cause it's his ass, and he really doesn't like it happening!"

How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to be left in the dark.

The archeologist's fingers traced the cuneiform warning etched above the tomb: "Those who disturb this rest shall know its dreams." By the third night, the archeologist stopped sleeping because when he closed his eyes, he remembered living her life, dying her death, and the clay darkness of four thousand years of waiting.

Dark humour is like a child with cancer It never gets old.

What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy

Your visual cortex deliberately blurs the dark, stationary shapes in the corners of your unlit room to prevent a total psychological collapse. If you look away from this text right now, that biological filter drops—and the tall, vibrating mass of wet hair and bone will instantly know you can see it.

Jesus is watching you. = Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."