100+ Husband Jokes

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.” At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” They went to sleep and then around three o’clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and came back with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.” the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

Am I adopted? Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" "No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing? Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

Husband doing crossword with his wife Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up

I had my yard certified as a National Wildlife Habitat to spite a busybody neighbor Edit at the bottom! Our yard is wild. I mean that in the real definition of "living or growing in the natural environment". We have no "lawn". We aggressively remove and prevent invasive and noxious species of plants and ensure that what grows is native to our area and drought resistant. The wildflowers that grow are things like Lupine, Blue Flax, Spiderwort, Black eyed Susan, and Sunflowers, among others. We have natural elements like driftwood logs to retain water and we even have an elk skull in the yard to act as a shelter for critters. There are a plethora of birds, bees, bunnies, and other wildlife. More wildlife than any yard in the area, as far as I can tell. It's beautiful and alive, but definitely not a manicured lawn with perfectly cut grass and landscaping. Last summer, we got a notice from the county that our yard was in violation of some county ordinance. My husband called the number on the notice and got a very "over it" employee who let out a big sigh and said he had gotten like 30 complaints from one person for the entire strip of road that we live on. Keep in mind, you can't "batch" report an area. You have to file reports house by house. So someone had the time and energy to pull up Google maps and file a report for about 30 houses for "overgrown weeds." I checked the county ordinance and made sure everything we had in our yard was in compliance. Things like "purposely cultivated," which our wildflowers definitely were. We planted specific species of seeds and we remove whatever's not native. None of the wild plants block any sidewalks nor do they hang over onto any other properties. Now knowing that it was someone with way too much time on their hands, I did some reading and learned that my yard has everything needed and then some to qualify as a National Wildlife Habitat. So, I filled out the form, paid the fee, and got my certificate. My husband called the county employee back who said "Send me that certificate." He looked it over, thanked my husband for the new information he can use in the future, and closed our case. I now have signs on my yard that announce the property as a wildlife habitat and the birds and bees get to keep living happily in the wild. EDIT: Thank you for the overwhelming support for my little act of rebellion. I'm so so happy to see how many people are excited about wild yards! Long live the bees 🐝 That said, I'm getting some real weird hate in my inbox. IDK why this seems to have activated some negative feelings in some people. Let me clear a couple things up... The county doesn't have HOA style restrictions. They're pretty fast and loose with the ordinances. The certificate/sign simply shows that the wildness is intentional and not just a neglected yard. It offers no legal protection, and I never claimed it did. The county employee liked that he had something to show in the event someone keeps complaining. So far, we haven't had any more issues and it's been over a year. I don't really worry about resale value bc I want to live in my house in a manner that brings me joy. I can easily reverse anything we've done if I need to sell for some reason. The house is paid off tho, so not likely to do that any time soon lol I don't feel comfortable sharing photos of my yard (and someone demanded proof I own a house?). I'm really sorry, I would also want to see photos. I have just had some weird issues in the past and don't want to end up doxxing myself. I'm sure most of y'all understand 💜 I'm so happy y'all are interested in having a wild yard, as well. 🐝 🌺 ❤️

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset. The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?" "We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice. “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home. As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants. "Here, try these on," he says. "What? Why?" she says. "Just put them on," he insists. "They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those." "That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it." "Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on." He holds them up and sees how tiny they are. "Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!" "That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once Wife: me too. husband: 1st of Apriii.... Wife: 18th of June

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady, ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, ‘Do you have a vagina’? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, ‘Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’ The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it’ She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. ‘Do you have a vagina’? ‘Yes’ she says. The man replied, ‘That’s great! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?’

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. (Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English) A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house. When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!" The thief responds with, "No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration" The man yet again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!" The burglar once again explains his reasoning, "I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims, "I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife. "Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately" "No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"

@marleyfromcle "My husband is white and I'm black. I love being in an interracial relationship because I teach him about soul food and why Black Lives Matter; and he teaches me about filing taxes and showing up to places on time."

Would you remarry if I die? A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence -- HUSBAND: "Shit."

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Groaned a whole store with this one. I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked: "I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!" To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation." The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

A lady walks into a pet store... She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early. She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick. In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day... He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong. The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately." His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it." The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer." The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer. A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction. So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer." She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!" The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually." His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?" The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary ... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good," she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I asked for- an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Dead again.. During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer." Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction... Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "They gave those away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

A woman must walk 5 paces behind... Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: “Forgive me father for I have sinned”. “What have you done?” asked the priest. “A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping. “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest. “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried. “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest. “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried. “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest. “So what should I do father?” the man asked. “Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:    "Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So how are you getting there?” "We're taking Continental” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”   “Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”  "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's  Tiber River called Teste.”   "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”  "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”  "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”  A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..  And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”  "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”   "Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”   "Oh, really!  What'd he say?”    He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..." "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I'm just taking some time to line up my shot to ensure I don't miss."

“Since my husband finally found a compatible penis donor, our sex life has been off the charts.” “It’s the one thing keeping us together since our son’s tragic motorcycle accident.”

Temper cure... A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

Daughter's vibrator A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.   What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.   "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.   "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Woman in a coma Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

Joke from Spain (forgive my English) There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child. "I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife. "That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband. "Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife. "No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband. The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that. "Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest." "And?" She asks. "And I did!"

My brother in law told me to stop asking where everything goes in his house and "just use common sense" My sister and her husband bought a house last fall, and ever since then visiting them has felt like walking into a very nice Airbnb run by one irritated man. He has a rule for everything, but only after you break it. Shoes by the bench, except not that side of the bench because that side is for the dog leash. Mugs in the blue cabinet, except not the front half because those are "for guests." Dish towels on the oven handle, except one of them is decorative, somehow. Last weekend I was there helping my sister paint the spare room, and by noon I had already been corrected four times for putting things in the "wrong" place. When I asked where he wanted the paint tray washed, he sighed and said, "You don't need a guided tour every ten minutes. Just use common sense and act like you live here." So I said okay. I really did say it nicely, because at that point I was getting annoyed too. So I acted like I lived there. I rinsed the tray in the big utility sink, used the roll of paper towel under it, put the dog food scoop back in the bin with the food, and stacked the dried dishes in the cabniet that was literally next to the sink. About twenty minutes later he came downstairs looking like his soul had left his body. The paper towels were apparently for garage spills only. The scoop "cannot" touch the food because of germs, even though it lives in the food bin. And the cabinet I used was not for plates, it was for "serving pieces." My sister started laughing so hard she had to sit on the stairs. He said I was being smart with him, and I told him no, I was using common sense and acting like I lived there. Now there are labels inside half the kitchen, which honestly seems definitley easier for everybody.

A woman is in the hospital in a coma... and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma. The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked." EDIT: /u/strenling has been edited.

A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life... Doctor: Give your husband viagra. Lady: I can't, he hates pills. Doctor: Just put it in his coffee. Next week she returns, unhappy. Doctor: Was it good? Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there. Doctor: Well, then what's wrong? Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again. ---- Edit: To the guys saying that's not how Viagra works. Use some imagination damnit! Assume details if you have to.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you.' Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?' Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..' The wife is obviously upset: 'Did my husband say that ?' Maria: 'No, Señora, the gardener did.' Wife: 'So, how much do you want?'

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?... ...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That worried the wife more, so then she asks "well would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the husband says "yes I like my bed and I don't want to get rid of it I'd let her sleep in it." This only makes the wife more worried so she feels compelled to say "well at least promise me you will never let her use my golf clubs." The husband say "don't worry she will never use your clubs, she's left handed." Joke my 95 year old grandpa told me.

Doctor, I have a sexual problem. "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!" The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell" The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

A man is watching porn on his PC in his home office when his wife walks in and he quickly switches to golf videos. She hands him mail that arrived and as she leaves the office says to her husband. "Switch back to the porn, you already know how to play golf."

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. 'What are you doing?' she exclaimed. He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.

“I love it,” she said, holding the little black dress up by its hanger, “but it’ll be at least nine months before I’ll be able to squeeze into it.” “There are two parts to that gift,” her husband replied.

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..." Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

10 husbands, still a virgin. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Deaf Sex Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW] Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead. They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrorist turned to the women and said "You are going to touch every penis one by one. If you find your husband, that couple will be saved. If you cant find, wife and husband will die." After that, first woman started to check penises one by one, "Not this, not this, husbaand!" She found right and both were spared. Then second woman came, "Not this, not this, not this, nope, husbaaand!" She was also right, both were again spared. Third one, "Not this, not this, not this,... , husbaand!" Again right. This situation continued to appear. As a result, terrorist got bored and entered the queue. Next women came and started, "Not this, not this, not this, not from village, not this, not this, husbaand!" Edit: thanks kind stranger! My first gold! Not this submission, not that submission, gooold!

Marriage, the real story A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

This is how bad the economy is: * My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. * Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries. * CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. * Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. * A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. * If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them. * McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer. * Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. * Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. * A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. * A picture is now only worth 200 words. * When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. * The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally…. * I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Maid wanted a salary raise... Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise Maid: I can cook better than you. Madam: Who told you that? Maid: Your husband told me! Madam: Ok, second reason. Maid: I can iron better than you. Madam: Who told you that? Maid: Your husband told me! Madam: Ok, and the third reason? Maid: I am better in bed than you. Madam's face swelled with rage. Madam: Did my husband say that?! Maid: No the driver told me. Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex... The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice." The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

Bet you’re sorry now! Many years ago, after decades of saving, my husband and I were doing well enough to finally build our dream home. After we moved in, we still had to have our yard leveled and sodded and arranged it early the next spring. That night, I was out watering the backyard sod when I saw my neighbours wife, Chris, using a measuring tape between our homes. I asked her if everything was okay and she said that we had sodded a section of their yard. I told her we had followed the sticks that the builder had left. She said the builders must have screwed up and rudely insisted that we had stolen part of their yard. Not wanting to have an ongoing beef with her and her husband, Keith, we agreed to have our property re-surveyed. When we did, we got one hell of a surprise. The actual property line wasn’t halfway between our two houses as we believed, it was about a foot and a half away from the side of their house. They owned a construction company and had built their house too close to the property line. This was an insane mistake for a professional! Still wanting to be good neighbours, we offered to split the cost and labour of a “good neighbour” fence using one of the 4 accepted fence styles allowed. My husband kept asking Keith when he wanted to start but he always had one excuse after another. Then Keith rudely told Dan to stop bothering him. Dan was furious. He bought all the materials and built the fence himself. He had been planning to put the fence halfway between our houses but our neighbour was so rude that Dan built the fence just inside our property line making the neighbours house look terrible. The neighbours husband came over pissed as hell but Dan reminded him that HE and his wife wanted a new property survey and HE had put off the fence for months. Our fence was magnificent, because Dan was a carpenter and I’m a great painter. The neighbours husband built a fence next to ours but it was ugly, badly built and not one of the approved designs. He was forced to tear it down later. Edit: Changed names for privacy

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

Didn't I??? A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office. The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit." The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?" The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him." The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back." "No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need." "Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."

A wife buys her redneck husband a scale to help him with his new diet. A week later the redneck says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm pooping out 'cause of this new diet I'm on!" The wife says, "That's great; I never thought of that. So you step on the scale before you go to the toilet, step on the scale again when you're done and the difference is the weight of your poop?" And the redneck says, "... yeah, I guess I could do it that way..."

A man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't had sex with him in six months. The doctor then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more. The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'" By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'" At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'" "So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and I don't want sex any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the woman and says, "So are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in… Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fri- "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs." The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

"Please help me, some guy chained me here a few months ago" She tearfully pleaded after seeing me approaching. Seeing the blood running down her legs, I grabbed a shovel and bluntly asked "Are *you* the tramp that's fucking my husband?"

Sex after Surgery A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"

It is/was/will be my Cake Day, so here's a favorite: A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed ... They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his 'willie' points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She smiles and says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time? A widow

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”

A young couple, just married, were... in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on, but they were way too big. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and they were way to thin. "Hell," he said, "I can't get into your panties." She replied, "That's right, and it's going to be that way till your attitude changes."

A woman goes into a pharmacy She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes." The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you." The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife. "Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." “Oh, yes,” she says, "I remember it well." “Okay,” he replies, "How about taking a stroll around again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, ‘I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them and make sure there's no trouble.’ So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, ‘this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.’ As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.”

I never believed in reincarnation and was greatly, and delightfully surprised when I was reborn as a young girl. I realised it was not reincarnation but my own personal hell when on my 20th birthday I looked into the face of the man who would be my husbands, it was mine from my previous life.

A woman goes to buy a parrot from the bird store The store keeper shows her parrots for 200$. 100$ and 10$ She asked why the last one was so cheap and he said it used to live in a brothel She took the parrot home and he screamed " oh shit! New brothel" she laughed Her daughter came home and the parrot screamed " oh shit! New prozzies" the girl laughed Then the husband got home and the parrot went "fuck me! Pete! Haven't seen you in weeks"

During a funeral... The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

When the doctor frantically asked my husband which of us to save, I was relieved that we’d discussed this before my labor began. My heart nearly stopped when my husband said without hesitation, “Save the baby”.

She had been waiting on her ex-husband’s porch for what felt like an hour to pick up their daughter when a young couple approached. “Hi!” they exclaimed with jovial grins, “we’re the new homeowners.”

Skirt to the company BBQ This happened back in the early 90’s.  My husband was working for a company that had a male employee showing up for work regularly with obscenely short and tight shorts that barely covered the law, so a memo went out informing employees of a new dress code; NO shorts for men allowed.  Casual pants, skirts, dresses only.  The day of the annual afternoon summer BBQ - held on hot top out in the parking lot - was around 90°F. The man enjoys his comfort on a hot day and has a fine sense of humor, so he cued malicious compliance and wore my below-the-knee wrap skirt to work.  His manager saw him in the morning and asked if he had anything else to wear with him.  The answer, of course, was “no.” Trying not to laugh, he said “If you ever f'ing do this to me again, I’m going to k--- you.”  My husband just smirked, and wore the skirt – complete with steel-toed safety boots, to the BBQ, and was the hit of the party.

A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?” So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parents’ house.

After 20 years of marriage, she finally turned on the lights... A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they had sex, the husband insisted on turning off the lights. The wife found it silly, but she respected his wish. However, after two decades, her curiosity got the best of her. One night, in the middle of a passionate session, she reached over and turned on the bedside lamp. She looked down—and to her shock—her husband was holding a vibrator. Furious, she shouted, “You impotent liar! You’ve been deceiving me all these years! You’ve got a lot of explaining to do!” The husband looked her in the eyes, calm as ever, and said: “Me? Explain the vibrator? You better explain the kids.”

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue... Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" **EDIT:** Well this turned into a huge debate. Glad I could make so many people happy and angry at the same time with my first front page post!

AITA for repeatedly telling my husband I miss him? I (23F, deceased) have been attempting to contact my husband (38m), but every time he hears my voice he chases me out of the house with a cross...

A wife gets naked... …and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'

Two blondes are in heaven. One blonde says to the other, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

I read my daughter a bedtime story and tucked her in when she said, “Why is Daddy always watching from the corner when you put me to bed?” I quickly turned to the corner and saw my husband staring blankly at me before he whispered, “Honey, it’s been twelve years, and you really have to let her go.”

“That’s right baby, suck him up just like that” my husband said. I kneeled on the floor, tears hitting the carpet and mixing with my boyfriend’s ground up remains as I vacuumed them up.

Rob and his buddy Dave are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Rob says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Dave replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind." The woman then gestures for one of them to come up to her apartment. Excitedly, Rob says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!" Dave insists, "Man, don't go up there!" "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Rob asks. Pleading, Dave says, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Rob ignores his buddy and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside. The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!" "Crap!" Rob exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes, "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." After that the husband stays home, so Rob spends the entire day ironing. The next day, he goes to Dave's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go." sighs Dave, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."