50+ Chicken Jokes

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry... Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt ​ He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice. “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

YOU CAN I HAVE AN IDEA FOR A RESTAURANT US IF IT'S A FRIED CHICKEN RESTAURANT RIGHT NEXT TO CHIK-FIL-A Com W YORK A VERSI AND IT'S ONLY GOING TO BE OPEN ON SUNDAYS #coticome y f THE OTHER SIX DAYS IT'S A GAY BAR theloose.co1 #catchusityouc IT'LL BE CALLED DICK-FIL-A

Joke from my daughter Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!

What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common? They both contain high amounts of trans fats. Edit: Omg guys! I didn't expect this to take off this much, thanks guys!

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know

What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

A guy walks into a pub... ...And sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present. So far she's getting a McChicken.

A man goes to see the Pope. "Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope is aghast. "I can't just go changing God's word for money!" The man says, "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!" The Pope in unimpressed. "I already told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry." So the guy says, "Okay, final offer - $100 million. Take it or leave it." The next day, the Pope calls all the leaders of the church together and says, "Gentlemen, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $100 million for Catholic Charities." The room erupts in cheers! The Pope waits for the room to settle down, and then says, "And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

1 dollar for dirty joke I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “asstasticbum” Homeless man: “So asstasticbum, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well asstasticbum, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.” Credits to /u/asstasticbum. He is the owner and OP of this story. Im just retelling it. Front page whooo hooo!! First time this has happened for me :D Im estatic :) Edit:: Please dont gild this post. If any of you feel so strongly, go to /u/asstasticbum and gild him Sorry for not adding link earlier. I had saved this post on my ColorNote app and i found it today. Apologies to people who are whining i did this for karma (TEXT post gives NO KARMA) Link to original story HERE:: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/cdrqcwl?context=3

Poor chicken

What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat? Chicago

Harold got real drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck in bed beside his wife… He woke up at the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Harold." Harold was stunned. "I died? That can’t be right! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!” "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as by being reincarnated as a chicken." Harold wasn’t thrilled, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strutted past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Harold the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "That‘s an egg, explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," said Harold. "Well, just relax and let it happen," said the rooster" It's not a big deal." Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... "HAROLD WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? (Punchline is different) Different

A man told his doctor he was afraid his wife was going deaf “She rarely ever answers when I talk to her.” “Here’s a simple test. Stand 15 feet away behind her and ask a question in your normal voice. Move closer in 3 feet increments until she answers.” He goes home and sees her at the stove cooking. Perfect chance to test her hearing. “What’s for dinner?” No answer, so he moves from 15 to 12 feet. “What’s for dinner?” No answer, so he moves in to 9 feet. “What’s for dinner?” Nothing. On to 6 feet. “What’s for dinner?” Nothing. This is bad, he thinks. He moves to 3 feet. “What’s for dinner?” “For the fifth fucking time, CHICKEN!” she shouts.

You wanna throw a fit over the property line? No problem! So I bought a house in 2018. I had to in a hurry so I could get my mother in my old home before her chemo got intense. My family had outgrown the one we were in, and we found one that needed some work but had 5.25 acres and a chicken coop. Neighbor (Dan) obsessively manicures his property and it is much nicer as a result, but the price and features worked for us on our side. We fix up and paint the chicken coop, only interrupted once by Dan asking us to tear it down or move it. Surely the coop was well on our side of the property line, I thought. I politely declined and described how the only thing I'd be doing is building an enclosed run toward my house to protect the birds from predators after fixing some things inside the house that have been neglected. The previous owner was a serious alcoholic and there's a lot of work to do. Dan walks away angry but defeated. A couple of years pass and the run is built exactly as described and our informal survey shows the property line about 20ft back, and I build gardens roughly the same distance from the property line. Dan has a survey done that suspiciously puts the back corner of the coop and about 1/3 of the run over the property line, but we agreed that it could stay so long as I don't encroach any further and I eventually move it which WAS my actual plan. He said to take all the time I need, declining my offers to buy the dirt or trade easements and reimburse him for the cost of the survey. Another year goes by and Dan has changed his tune. He interrupts a target practice session with my two foster kids to demand that I demolish the coop and run soon, to which I said "I suppose I could push that project up to next fall (2024)". He isn't happy but seems pacified. I wasn't thrilled either but I'm a reasonable guy and would prefer to have a good relationship with a neighbor I don't like much. Enter May 2024, six months before I agreed to do anything, and this guy shows up in my back yard wanting to talk about the god damned coop again. "You know, Dan. You said I could have all the time I needed and then demanded I tear it down, going back on your..." Cue the most childish temper tantrum I think I've ever seen. He was literally stomping on the ground with elbows out, screaming about suing me and how he'll own my whole house by the time he's done with me. Malicious compliance: fuck you, Dan. I decided the best place for that coop is exactly where it is. It's been there about 20 years and adverse possession only requires 10. I can take that 12sqft of dirt from you and you'll even have to pay my legal fees. Only the run needs to move since it's only been there 5 years. That's exactly what I did. The new run connects to the gardens and the roof funnels the roosters' crows right to his house. Setback requirements say structures must be 5' from property lines. The back corner of the run is now exactly 5'2" away from the supposed property line and he gets to hear and smell my chickens every single time he's outside. He will not have peace until he dies or moves. I am well within my rights and while I do struggle with medical and PTSD issues from my service, I learned very well from the Navy how to be *technically* correct in a way that works only for me.

A biker walks into a bar... ..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar. He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad

What do you say to a hit man who’s paid in chicken that fails his mission? No harm, no fowl.

The deaf wife problem. Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.' That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' A gain he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.. So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' 'Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer. They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift. Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks." "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."  "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads... A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes," she purrs. "I am." "Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

"For every minute you go over the time limit, one of your family will die, starting with your distant relatives and ending with your wife." "So the subject is quantum mechanics," the game show host tells the chicken farmer from Idaho, "and you have 10 minutes to answer the 20 questions."

How did the chicken cross the street in the ghetto In a bucket

Make me do labor for free? Explain to the Inspector why your office door is bright pink. So I am a highschool student, and I am the president of the art club in my school. I can say I do decent things. the principal and my art teacher asked me to paint some white and peeling walls however I want, and I'd get free lunches.( I need to add that my school doesn't have a cafeteria and just a canteen. ) and since I had nothing better to do and I'd get out of chemistry and maths, i said yes. I painted some of the walls and a door for the chemistry lab. whenever I finished painting, they'd ask me to do something else. Like paint the old benches or draw custom designs on doors. once I was done, I went to the principal and he said he couldn't give me free lunches. so, when they asked me to paint the principal's office door since it was old? I painted it bright pink. and since they asked me to do it and didn't tell me what to do exactly, they couldn't say anything. But there was something I forgot. I was doing all of this because the inspector would be arriving. (so, this part of the story comes from my homeroom teacher who is a part of the disciplinary committee.) when he finally arrived with his 3 secretaries, everything went well and he praised the paintings and intricate work. But when he got to the principal's office.. it's door was Bright pink. he left in a hurry and our school got some maintenance people sent. (sorry for my Grammar, English isn't my first language) And quick edit: my school is supposed to be the most funded and the most disciplined school in the whole district. So, we can say I caused them a lot of headaches. Don't play with my lunch of chicken nuggets shoved into a piece of bread. Edit: Thank you everyone for the love on this post! And I'd really appreciate you guys scrolling down to see my replies before asking questions, because I am EXHAUSTED from answering the same questions again and again ^~^ UPDATE!!!!!: so..this is awkward..my art teacher saw this post and recognized. Well..I got an envelope with 300 bucks inside. Plus, 200 bucks because I'm an orphan and it was Eid. So, here's some more add-ons! Q: what country? A: I would like it to remain anonymous, but I am not in USA or UK, I am in a country in Asia. Q: why is pink so bad? A: well, in my country the elder men have VERY embraced toxic masculinity, and as you know..pink is a "girly" color. Thank you all for the attention, I hope you all the best!!!

When I heard my son’s 10-year-old bully won the “Most Caring Person” award by lying, I redeemed my free spell on the WitchAnywhere app. The next morning, a mother was confused by her son cock-a-doodle-dooing in bed while a slaughterhouse struggled with an unusually difficult chicken.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"... She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test". The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on." **EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that's so dumb it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it. I'd never heard it before, which apparently is some kind of crime according to the comments. Comment breakdown: * "This joke is so old, you're a terrible person for posting it" * "The way this joke really goes is something about a chicken/goldfish/Chinese apples not mattering" * "Why did you mark this NSFW?!" (hint: because I wanted to click the NSFW link for some reason) * Some stuff about my mom * Some comments about me being 12 (I'm 35 BTW)

A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory A Tibetan man, an Indian man, a German man and a Maltese man die and go to purgatory. And to pass the time, they begin discussing how they died. The Tibetan man says "I was driving a truck in San Gwann, and as im driving I see a man just standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And as a Tibetan I'm forbidden to kill any living creature, so I swerved into the other lane and a motorbike crashes into me. The bike gets stuck in my wheels so I can't turn. And I crash right into a petrol station, ignite a puddle of gasoline on the floor and the whole thing explodes." The Indian guy says "Thats such a coincidence. I was in San Gwann, delivering chicken satay on Bolt Food. But when I got to the customer i realised my bag was unzipped and the chicken satay must have fallen somewhere in the road. As an Indian im very hard working so I drive back to find the chicken satay, and as im driving I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating the chicken satay. And im so distracted that i get hit by a truck, I get stuck under the wheels. The truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline on the floor, and the whole thing explodes." The German guy says "That's so crazy! I was in San Gwann at a petrol station. And there was a big puddle of gasoline on the floor. And as a German i cant stand a mess on the floor. So I get a towel to mop up the gasoline but I see a man, standing in the middle of the road, eating a box of chicken satay. And im so confused that i forget about the puddle. Suddenly this huge truck crashes into the petrol station, ignites the puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes." The Maltese guy has been very quiet, and doesnt seem to be listening to everyones stories. So they ask him, "how did you die?" And the Maltese guy says "It was very strange. I was crossing the road in San Gwann, and I see a takeout box on the floor. And I open it, and its full of chicken satay. So I begin eating the chicken satay. And all of a sudden, a truck whizzes past me, hits a motorbike, the motorbike gets stuck in the wheels, the truck crashes into a petrol station, ignites a puddle of gasoline, and the whole thing explodes." And the other guys ask "But then how did you die?" And the Maltese guy says "Im allergic to peanuts"

I've just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....... I will keep you posted.

My "classic" joke. A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

So a chicken walks into a library and says, "bock". Sounding like "book", the librarian hands him a a book. He takes it and goes merrily on his way. Then the next day ... The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows him to see what he's doing with all these books. There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bock bock bock bock bock", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"! **Honest question:** Is this jokey enough, or do I need to take my bullshit to dadjokes?

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one? B: You can have both A: Three

Wife has hearing problems A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing." That night, he's sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he's about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, "What's for dinner?" She doesn't respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, "What's for dinner?" She still doesn't respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, "What's for dinner?" She still doesn't say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, "What's for dinner?" She says, "For the fourth damn time we're having chicken!"

Speechmaking When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me." edit=correct word(s)

A man walks into a brothel... So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had. A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken." Edit: Prevented a time paradox or two

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise... An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

Girlboss meeting her boss TRIGGER WARNING I've been working at a poultry farm for about a year now (it's legal for 14 year olds to work in agriculture in my state), and I was always a hard worker who, in spite of my personal and brief legal troubles, was very productive and intuitive. As a result, I was very well liked by the management. The owner of the farm eventually acquired some more land, and the manager decided to break it down more, and appointed me as one of the assistant supervisors of the newly acquired chicken coops. I had this really annoying coworker who was always whining about "the patriarchy holding her back" and not being paid as much as the other workers. (She was just really lazy and spent all her time on her phone.) I overheard her trash talking me to a coworker, saying that she would have gotten the job, but that the owner passed her over because I'm a suck-up. Later that day (she didn't think I had heard her), she asked me for a raise (she thought I was easy prey because I'm young). I planned just to turn her down, but I had a better idea. Unfortunately for her, the guy who got rid of the waste had just moved out, and he earned about 3-4 dollars an hour more than the other workers. So I assigned her waste duty. We still work together, I'm still her (assistant) supervisor, but she's gotten real quiet about my management skills. As it turns out, you still don't want to screw over your boss even if he's 15. (Yes I know most feminists aren't like that. I'm just telling the story as it was)

Black people love fried chicken And so do white people, and Asian people, and many other races and ethnicities. The crispy skin along with the great taste make it a food beloved across the globe.

A joke from my 6 year old daughter. What did the farmer do when a fox was chasing a chicken The farmer caught the fox and destroyed it.

Eight year old tells funniest joke My eight year old cousin told me this one: Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken? Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach EDIT: god damn you autocorrect! always running my jokes!

Short and sweet This one isn’t very high stakes , but somebody got less ounces I’ll tell you what…. I work in a deli in a grocery store that’s changed ownership lately. We’re trying to go the extra mile because we now have more suitors to buy out our company yet again. I ring up chicken tenders for this customer , along with a small soda they ordered. I scanned a small soda and chicken tenders by weight. I decided to give the customer a large cup just to be nice. the customer is surprised by the price of Th e chicken tenders (which was highly accurate) and noticed a large drink. She said to me Hey are you dense I ordered a small drink! Give me a small! I put the large cup back and get her a small one. Just then she looked and said ”um excuse me the price didn’t change !” I know. I rang you up for a small. Here it is! the mc came in the fact that I knew that the she Would expect the price to come down but it didn’t. she turned and walked off in a huff. And after all that , “we’re out of doctor pepper! “ tsdr- a lady got what she ordered.

On Easter morning, a rooster wakes up and notices brightly colored eggs scattered all around the chicken coop and yard of the farmhouse... He looks at the hens nesting, thinks for a minute, then runs across the barnyard and beats the shit of the Peacock

Have you heard the one about the chicken crossing the road? Oh you have? Ok nevermind

Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors? Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why did the redneck cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.

I'm going to start a fast food chicken restaurant, and it's only going to be open on Sundays. It'll be called 'Chik-fil-atheist'.

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.. The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman. 'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.' 'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate. A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow. Rabbit: What are you? Cow: Do you really wanna know? Rabbit: Yes! Cow: Let's have sex first. --love making-- Cow: I'm a cow. So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken. Rabbit: What are you? Chicken: Do you really wanna know? Rabbit: Yes! Chicken: Let's have sex first... --Love Making-- Chicken: I'm a chicken. And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok... Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok? You: Do you really wanna know?

If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile Would it be called Alien vs Predator? Edit:I honestly was unaware that this joke had been done before. Not a big robot chicken fan. My bad

Want me to serve you food? I will serve you food My parents and my siblings were invited to eat at my brother's in law parent's house. We just got back from my maternal grandpa side, 7 hours drive. Because traffic congestion was insane during festive season. My dad drove halfway and switched with my mom and back to him. He doesn't trust me to drive ever, especially bc this is his precious car. And younger brother just got his driving license so he trust him less. And my youngest brother is 13 so naturally he cannot drive. I offered to drive, he always said no. Again, during this trip, I told him to let me drive, he refused. So I just gives up offering. When we arrived at my BIL parent's house. They cheerfully greeted us, food was served buffet style, you pick whatever you want. They have a lot of guest over, so food was a little low. So we have to wait a bit for my BIL and his siblings to serve more. The host told us to grab something first. My siblings and I went to grab ourselves a bowl of curry noodles. We were starving bc our dad refused to stop for food during the trip back from grandpa. We all took a seat in the living room. "I have three kids and all are so ungrateful even though I drove everyone here and so tired, no one helped me get some food," my father suddenly said loudly in front of everyone. We all paused eating. Everyone including my BIL's sister looked awkwardly. I only had a bite. I turned to him and simply give him my bowl. For some reason he looked more embarrassed even though he asked for it, he told me to grab some more chicken. I quietly got up, fill the bowl with more chicken. And give it to him. I didn't grab another bowl to myself. Lost my appetite. He took a few bites and gives me back the bowl. Saying he didn't want it and I can keep eating it. "You dramatically asked for it so much, you should finish it," I told him. He insisted he didn't feel like eating these and wanted something else. He only ate 3 bites and had enough. The host actually end up serving him specifically had a whole meal for him as a sign of respect bc he's my BIL in law. I end up finishing the bowl he didn't want. It was annoying, my father is a narcissist who enjoys painting us as his horrible 'abusive' children. He likes doing these sort of things for attention. So strangers can call us terrible and him as some kind of 'victim'. Today my older sister invited the whole family to go to her close friend's house, to eat and celebrate the festive occasion. I went with my sister and BIL with their car. We talked about what happened, my older sister found out about what happened through her sister in law. Even her sister in law said it was a bit messed up, "he didn't ask his kids first if they could get him a bowl instead just call out everyone and made a scene." She said she felt bad for me because my father was totally humiliating me instead of being a normal human being by simply ask. And she was right his goal was totally was to humiliate us in front of others. He is a pretty traditional guy who expects everyone to read his mind like when he wanted to eat or drink. So cue malicious compliance. We were the only family invited to my sister's friend house. And her family are VERY hospitable. They serve a lot of food. Like 5 whole big cow bones of soup. All buffet table full of food. Since I arrived earlier with my sister and BIL, I quickly piled some food on a plate. Round one, steamed rice dish with peanut sauce. The moment my father stepped foot into the house, I handed him the plate. He was dumbfounded and said he haven't even greeted the host. I smiled and said "No, no, you need to eat. This is for you" and he reluctantly took the plate. I watched him like a hawk. As soon as he finished the first plate and was chatting with the host. Round two, I grabbed a bowl, filled it with chicken soup and noodles and I went up to him and handed it to him. "Here dad, there's plenty of food for you" He couldn't say no in front of the host. My mom was totally oblivious on what I was doing and went to grab him a whole bowl of cow bone soup bc "dad likes meat better than chicken" pretty sure he had to say no to it because the portion are massive compared to the chicken I give him. After he finished the chicken noodles. Round three, I went and grabbed some fries and meat balls, put a nice side of sauce on the side and handed him a plate. He kept eating. Round four, I grabbed three slices of watermelon, and he refused. He can't eat anymore. Round five, the host brought out a plate of fried rice. And I can't help but grin as I loudly say "That's for dad!" And he end up having to eat half and mom piled some more meat on his plate because that's "his favorite" Round six, I grabbed more fries and meatballs for him and by now I think he realized what I was doing. He said no and ran out of the house and asked the host to continue speaking outside. Such a shame, I end up eating the sixth plate. I went back hom

My 5 y/o cousins joke :) Him:Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Him: To get to the stupid persons house. Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin* Him: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? Him: It's the chicken! I fell right into the little tackers trap!

Why couldn't the chicken wear a suit to her office? Because hen tie is not safe for work.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?" Students: Eggs! Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?" Students: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Students: "Homework!"

Don’t feed the dog human food I was house-sitting for my sister for a weekend while she and her husband went on a trip. They have a big, spoiled golden retriever who’s super sweet but incredibly picky with his food. Before leaving, she gave me a long list of instructions, including not feeding him any human food because she's trying to train him better. The first night, I give him his kibble. He sniffs it, looks at me like I’m stupid and walks off. Barely ate all night. Next morning, same thing. Hardly touching his bowl. By lunch the second day, I call my sister just to check. She said he’ll eat when he’s hungry. Just stick to the plan. No human food. He went almost 36 hours without eating. When I tell my sister she replied.. OMG why didn’t you give him chicken? He only eats if you mix in shredded chicken! I reminded her of her own rule. No human food. She was annoyed, but also admitted that she should’ve said chicken’s the exception. Dog got his chicken. Lesson learned.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… "Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

Mom's birthday gifts 3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday. The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well." Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a penthouse apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in." Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!" 3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read: "To my 3 dear boys: Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new penthouse is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."

Funny Albert Einstein Joke (not mine) An old, funny joke - I think I saw it on reddit a while ago, but haven't seen it in a while - so here it is: When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Kid with Chicken Wire This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy." The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens." The old man says "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire." Later on the kid comes back dragging about a dozen chickens by the chicken wire. The old man looks at him and says "I'll be damned." The next day the boy is walking down the street with a roll of duct tape. The old man says "Say boy, where you goin' with that roll of duct tape?" The boy says "I'm going to get some ducks." The man says "You can't catch no ducks with no duct tape." Later on the kid comes walking down the road with about a dozen ducks stuck to the tape." The old man is astonished. The next day the boy comes walking down the road, with a basket of pussy willows. The old man sees him and says "You wait right there boy, Imma go get my hat."

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice. The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.” She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?” Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”

Old man's wife has hearing problems An old man goes to his doctor. Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out? Doc: Well, how bad is it? Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything. Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is. Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon. So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!" Nothing. He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!" Nothing. He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!" Nothing. Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!". "FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive you.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”

I have a chicken proof lawn...It's impeccable.

A Guy Goes Into A Bar A guy goes into a bar, orders a martini, and strikes up a conversation with an attractive woman sitting next to him. "This is a special day," he says, "I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replies, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asks. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answers. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man says, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today, they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she says, smiling.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time." The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, glares and nods towards the sky..."Quiet you fool....they're getting closer."

Due to the current economic situation in the world, I’ve started a dating site for chickens... It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet...

It took me two hours to grill a chicken the other day… And it *still* didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!

A man walks into a brothel... A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for $1?" The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs and into the room on the right." The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, when he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out. The man figures out what he has to do, and has his way with the chicken. The chicken is disgusted, and leaves. The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor: "I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund." The proprietor says: "Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the room on the left, and you won't want your dollar back." So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating, and a big curtain on one side. A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually a plexi-glass window into another room, and the people in the seats are watching an orgy. The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: "Man, this is something, huh?" The other guy says: "You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."

A guy realizes it's been a while and he has a little money, so he goes to the whorehouse and asks for whatever he can get for it... The madam tells him to wait in room 102 and he will be taken care of. He is waiting for a while, when a chicken starts pecking at the window. It keeps pecking so he lets it in and the chicken flutters in, struts over to the bed, hops up, and turns its head to look back at him. He's really confused but really horny so he thinks maybe this is what he could afford. He decides to fuck the chicken. It was no easy task and he wound up with some bites and scratches, but it was worth it. A girl walks in as he is doing up his pants. She asks if he is leaving and he tells her "Yes, I'm a satisfied customer." The next week he has even less money, but hopes the whorehouse can provide something. The madam says the best he can get for that price is room 202. He enters the dark empty room where a bunch of guys are laying face down on the floor. He realizes that they are looking through holes, watching people have sex in the room below. He picks a spot to watch and gets very aroused seeing a girl get railed from behind while she sucks another guy off. He turns to the older man next to him and says "Wow, this is crazy." The old guy replies "This is nothing, last week some maniac was fucking a chicken."

Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side

A farmer asked me for help with his chickens He said "I have 87 chickens, can you help me round them up?" I said "Sure... 90."

Bigger Boobs A woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants. The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the product, she'll get them for free. She tries them out and gets fitted properly. It has little sacs in her bra that are inflated when she flaps her arms like a chicken, giving her a larger bust. She decides to go out to the bar to see if men will notice. She sees a handsome man across the room and starts walking up to him, seductively smiling, flapping her arms and says "Haven't I seen you here before?". "No, but I think we go to the same doctor" he answers, furiously opening and closing his legs.

A guy walks into a pub... A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

A guy walks into a dive bar... And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00. "Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are you the one who gives the hand job?" he asked. "Why yes I am," she said seductively as she slid up closer to him. "Well, go in the back and wash your fucking hands, I want a tuna salad sandwich."

I made a chicken salad today but the ungrateful pecker didn’t even eat it!

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie? Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens... The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one. The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. "Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire." The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG! The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. "Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!"

I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery... He thanked me.

My Most Favorite When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

A man buys a parrot... And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him. In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage. "I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken... ...It's motherfucking good.

TOP ROOSTER A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire!" The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

Cow Jokes What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chicken." What do you call a fat cow with a terrible personality? My ex girlfriend. What is the proper term for a pregnant cow? Also my ex girlfriend. Whoaa Nellie, that escowlated quickly. Growing up in rural Texas, we had to find ways of entertain ourselves as kids. We used to sneak into local shops and businesses after hours and rearrange things, or play games with the merchandise. One night, we broke into the town butchery. After several minutes of throwing knives at the wall, my attention turned to the ceiling. There, right above our heads, hung the freshly butchered carcass of a full grown cow. My buddy nudged me in the side and said, "Hey, I betchya two dolla' that you can't rip off one of them cow legs." I shook my head and said, "I'm sorry, Rick, but the steaks are too high." Another time, we all went out cow tipping. We dressed up in black, and made our way to farmer Dalton's ranch. I went first to do the tipping. After hopping the fence, I snuck up real quiet to the first bull (a big fella', mind you)... took my hands out of my pocket... and tossed fifty cents into the jar labeled "GRATUITIES ACCEPTED" that lay on the ground next to him.

"You don't know Jack Schitt!" Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it... The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this... Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side!

What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Youth and speed will never beat age and treachery. A young rooster walks out onto the barnyard for the first time, having just been bought by the farmer. He sees lots of chickens, but only one other rooster, who is much older. He walks up to the old rooster to tell him to get lost so he can have all the chickens for himself. The old rooster says to him, "I know the farmer bought you to replace me, but give me one chance to prove my worth. We'll race around the barn for ten laps. If I win, you leave, but if you win, I'll leave. To make it fair, I just want a 50 foot head start." The young rooster knows he's in way better shape, and that even a 50 foot head start won't help the old rooster, so he agrees. The race begins and after one lap the young rooster has started closing in on the old rooster, he's only 30 feet behind. After two laps he's 15 feet behind. After three laps he's one foot behind when BLAM!! Suddenly there's nothing left of the young rooster but a big bloodstain on the barn wall. Standing across the barnyard is the farmer, holding a smoking shotgun. "Damn," he says to himself, "that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Following "Parental" figure instructions About 20 years ago my siblings and myself lived mainly on a very small hobby farm with one parent and a step-"father". Living in the U.S., they were married when I started middle school and divorced when I was in my senior year of high school. He had a ton of issues, including anger management, and I was the only one willing to talk back to him. We also had multiple people, mostly other children, coming over to get lessons (given by myself) with the horses in exchange for their help. This was a huge help to me since my siblings did basically nothing with all the animals (chickens, turkeys, pigs, horses, cats), even though they were supposed to, so to keep them alive I took care of them over 80% of the time. Well this step-dickhead's rule was manure was to be dumped between two poles, and he was supposed to move the poles so the older piles would age into fertilizer, to be removed from the small property. Of course he would get aggressively mad at me when new manure would get tossed on older manure ready to get transported out, and would attempt to force me to have everyone follow his instructions. Well his instructions continued to be to dump waste between two poles. So I just kept that up. Until everything ended up blending together because he would not keep up with moving the poles. He blew up at me but I just reiterated his instructions back, which led to more anger from him, but being able to just repeat his instructions back that led to the mess he was mad about felt pretty damn good.

I went out dressed as a chicken last night. and I met a girl who was dressed as an egg. One thing led to another and a lifelong question was answered; it was the chicken.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ? He heard the ref was blowing fouls

Why does a chicken coop always have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

I just grilled a chicken for 8 hours. And it still didn't tell me why it crossed the road.

Four Irishmen Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head straight to the bird section. Dermot nudges Pat and says, “Dat’s dem.” 🐦 The shop owner comes over. “Can I help ye?” Dermot says, “Yeah, we’ll take four o’ dem budgies up dere.” The owner boxes the birds, they pay, and off they go — driving to the top of Connor Pass. When they reach the edge of the 1,000-foot drop, Dermot says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He puts a budgie on each shoulder… and jumps off the cliff. 🪂😳 The budgies fly away. Dermot doesn’t. He hits the bottom — stone dead. Pat shakes his head: “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumpin’ is too feckin’ dangerous.” BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE! Moments later, Seamus shows up with a cardboard box and a shotgun. “Watch dis, Pat!” He frees a parrot… then leaps off the cliff with the gun. Halfway down, he shoots the parrot, then continues plummeting until he smashes into the bottom. Pat sighs: “And I’m never tryin’ dat parrotshootin’ either…” STILL NOT DONE… Just as Pat’s recovering from losing two friends, Sean appears with a box… and a chicken. 🐔 Sean grabs the chicken by the legs and hurls himself off the cliff. Down he goes… until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Pat shakes his head once more: “Fook dat, lads. First Dermot with his budgie jumpin’… Den Seamus with his parrotshootin’… And now Sean and his feckin’ hen-glidin’!” 😂🪂🐔🤣

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety. A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety. The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks

My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

A man walks into a bar... He sees a sign that reads, "cheese sandwich: $1.50, chicken sandwich: $2.50, hand job: $10." The man beckons to the sexy waitress and says, "are you the one who does the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." "Well wash your freaking hands," the man says, "I want a cheese sandwich!"