100+ School Jokes

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12! A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

I never understood school shooting jokes I guess they're aimed at a younger audience...

I had sex with my kid's teacher. I have to tell my wife... ...how much I appreciate her taking a break from homeschooling the kids for quick romp with me. The pandemic isn't all bad!

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched. So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom. I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner. On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs. "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink. I said "you don't drink?!?" "Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children." Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this. So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask: "wanna get a room and knock boots?" She says: I thought you'd never ask! I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children? She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.” The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school? Oh, high marks.

My late Grandfathers favorite joke There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength. News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas. John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip” The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”. Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?” With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.” “What???” Said the coach... “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified” “I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls” (Today is the anniversary of my Grandfather’s passing, and I posted this because he has been on my mind since I woke up. I just saw the response that this has garnered and I am fuckin crying. Thank you all so much. You have made this day so much better)

Asked my son what he learned in school today. He said “Gay men like ynoS. Lesbians favour ahamaY, and transgender people prefer esoB. I knelt down and put my hand on his shoulder and said “Son, those are just backwards stereo types.”

Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke.

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

MY FRIENDS AND I EXPERIMENTED SEXUALLY DURING HIGH SCHOOL Cor W YOR NIVERSI IT SOUNDS COOL, #colicome y f theloose.co1 #catchusityouc BUT I WAS THE CONTROL GROUP @WYATTFEEGRADO

“Do all the work yourself or get 0%” In high school I was in a science class that I did very well in. I was top of the class and scored nearly 100% on every test and assignment. The teacher assigned a big group project that would take about a week to complete with a team of four students. Groups were randomly assigned, and unfortunately, I was paired up with three kids who were barely passing the class. In class we are given time to make plans together as a group to divide up work, examine the instructions, schedule times outside of school to meet up, etc. It was at this point my teammates decided to tell me that they weren’t going to do any work on the project. I asked why, and they said they knew I really cared about my grade, so they figured I would do it on my own. They were so lazy they were banking on the fact I wouldn’t tank my own grade, so they could benefit off of my hard work when I inevitably got a good score on the project. I was pissed and said that was unfair. They dug in and said “Too bad. Now you either do this project yourself or you’ll get a 0%.” Cue malicious compliance. Now, I could have gone to the teacher and he probably would have sorted this out, but a better idea struck me. So I said “Fine, you win. I’ll do what you say.” They smiled smugly and thought that was that. But you see, this teacher had a policy that at the end of the semester your lowest grade (excluding finals) would be taken off your record. So, if you forgot to turn in an assignment or did really bad on one test, you got a mulligan so it wouldn’t ruin your final grade. I had never done poorly on an assignment all year, so I never needed my mulligan. However, I knew that these shitheads all did. If they got a big fat zero on a crucial assignment, they would probably fail the class. So, I did exactly as they instructed. I did no work on the project all week. Just sat on it and bided my time. At the beginning of the next week all the students turned in their assignments. My team watched as I sat in my chair, unmoving. Finally one said: CLASSMATE: Hey OP, aren’t you going to turn in the project?” ME: Oh, I didn’t do the project. They were shocked and asked why the hell I didn’t do it. ME: You said do all the work or get a 0%. I choose 0%. They were all royally pissed. They all had to do credit recovery over the summer. They hated my guts, but I couldn’t have cared less. It was the most satisfying failing grade in my entire life.

Asked my son what he learned at school today. He said, “Gay men like Sony, lesbians favor Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose.” Kneeling down I put my hand on his shoulder and replied, “Son, those are just stereo types.”

When someone says "Jesus loves you" I feel like a girl in middle school. "Oh my god... really?" "Isn't he like a big deal?" "Why couldn't he tell me himself?" @RichardSarvate

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

I apologise if this isn't allowed. New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, - "It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do... We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.

My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school. I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

You want me to participate in Sunday School? Enjoy my extensive knowledge of your holy book. So my relatives and parents are very firmly a part of this cult, it’s mostly in the states but it does have some worldly presence. Not gonna say which one it is cause I don’t want my parents to find this post. I left the cult about two years ago now, after they refused to acknowledge that I had several medical problems and the religion believes that people can become like Jesus and heal their own bodies. Wack, right? And I’m not talking about a little scratch or a cold. I’m talking about cancers, contagious diseases like measles, polio, whooping cough, broken bones, psychological disorders. It’s really crazy. But whenever I come back they always make me go to Sunday school to ‘show respect for the family’. Bullshit, it’s cause they want to convert me back and whenever someone from the cult finds out someone has left they make it their personal mission to bring them back. So this past Sunday I didn’t have work and my dad told me I had to go to church with the family. He said I’m still able to go to Sunday school since I’m just in university. We arrive to the church, I’m super dressed up. Like very fancy looking. The women when I come in are very pleased (they know I’ve left) and are like “wow it’s so nice to see you back! Hope you come more often now we’ve missed you.” I go down to my Sunday school class and it’s a bunch of uni kids and an older woman, strict looking teacher. Perfect. She sits me down and starts talking about the Bible and what’s wrong and right. Cue malicious compliance. I took two years of intensive Bible classes, I’ve translated from Hebrew and Greek, I’ve actually read the whole Bible cover to cover. Some ‘points’ were made. Teacher: “And so God said that we most never lie in bed with another of the same sex.” Me: “And where does it say that ma’am?” Teacher: “Well in this verse here” *shows* Me: “That was actually mistranslated from Hebrew. It actually says man shall not lie with boy.” Teacher: *frustrated* “No that’s not true. And besides, there’s this verse here which says homosexual sex is wrong.” *shows other verse* Me: “So…by that logic, wouldn’t that mean that anyone, male on male, female on male, or female on female, who was having oral or anal sex would be gay?” Teacher: *horrified* The whole class went on like this. I refuted claims about the killing of children, the uselessness of prostitutes, about immigration, and so on. After church, my dad was pulled aside by the teacher and when he came back he sighed and shook his head and said “Fine. You don’t have to come anymore.” I replied with “is she not impressed with my thorough knowledge of the Bible?”

My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes. Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

Our oldest has been obsessed with the new God of War. When he got home from school, I said "did you hear that they have two more games planned?" His face lit up and he asked "really?" "Yeah, the follow-ups to Ragnarok: Ragnapaper and Ragnascissors." He is currently not speaking to me.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!

If I don't like it, tell it to the news? I guess we're going to the news then (video evidence) My mother was a truly inspiring woman. Her favorite phrase was "why say bleed when you can say hemorrhage" because she never did anything halfway when she knew she could go all the way. We couldn't even ask for help with homework because you'd be up till 3 am on a school night, adding one more thing. Then you'd go to school with this magnum opus while everyone around you phoned it in and still got an A. She would rarely get angry, but if you activated her righteous indignation, the repercussions would be legendary. There was one such story of malicious compliance that she always loved to tell, and I just found the receipts, so I wanted to share it with everyone. It all started one day when I found a dagger in my brother's room. It was an ornate sort of fantasy-style dagger. Not something you would find just anywhere, and it was very sharp. We were not old enough to have something like that at the time; he was only 11. Immediately, my mother walked up behind me and caught me red-handed, so I did what any self-respecting little brother would do and threw him under the bus. My brother wasn't at home at the time, so she went through everything and found more of these knives. She laid them out on the table, and she was psyching herself up for the hell she was going to bring down upon him. By the time my brother gets home, he walks in and sees her sitting there with the knives out. He goes white as a sheet. She immediately asks where he got them. This was the late 90s, and my brother was pretty into Magic: The Gathering. The card shop he went to for his fix was just down the street. He spent a great deal of time there and bought boxes and boxes of these cards from them, so they knew him and knew he was too young. They had sold it to him, knowing full well that he was underage, no questions asked. My mother's jaw dropped, and moments later, we were pulling up to the place. She drags my brother into the store and puts the knives down in front of the woman who owns the place. She tells her that they had sold it to him. "Yeah, so what?" "He is not 18, and he shouldn't have access to these. You need to tell your employees to check IDs before they sell weapons to minors." She was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before she snapped back with "It's a joke, it's humor, don't you get it?" ahhh so the problem is you. "I am his mother, and I don't think it is funny. If you won't follow the law at the very least, I need you to stop selling weapons to my son." "I'll do whatever I want! If you don't like it, TELL THE NEWS!" Surely this woman doesn't know who she is talking to, or the lengths that my mom was willing to go for her kids. I don't know why on earth that would be the phrase you'd use. Now you are just asking for it. Mom gives her one last chance before the hammer drops. "So you are saying that even without my permission, having asked you not to personally, and knowing it is illegal, you would still sell a knife to him?" "Of course, this is a business; maybe raise him better if you don't like what he is doing." It was like the air left the room. There were 3 of us boys in Elementary, Middle school, and High School around the time. She was president of all 3 PTAs for 3 different schools miles apart from each other. She was practically moming as a sport and crushing it by every conceivable standard. This woman had just slighted her to her core, and now had to deal with the consequences of her ignorance. My mom didn't say another word. She gathered the knives, and we walked out. Even the woman behind the desk looked a little shocked that she was just walking out. So was I. We all went back to the car, and no one said a word. Then you could almost visibly see the resolve set in, and she says, "I guess we are going to the news then." I don't remember her saying another word the rest of the night. The next day, I woke up and she had papers all around her that she had downloaded and printed off, and highlighted. She was on the phone explaining the story to a news station who'd just opened and responding to emails she'd sent overnight. I don't think she slept. She had been up researching the laws and building her case. The first reporters she talked to didn't seem to see what she saw in the story, and told her they wouldn't pick it up. Every time she was told no, she would ask for references to someone who would do something like this. It took weeks of phone tag. She called the next reporter, then another, then another, leaving messages and following up. Finally, she found an investigative reporter who would work with her. They decided that the best course of action was to put a hidden camera on my brother to send him undercover to buy something larger. Believe me, I am well aware of how outlandish that sounds. They met up down the street and gave my brother some money to buy the biggest weapon he could get. I see

Tough to be Irish "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp? I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

Was told to work my contract hours. Damage ensued. Teacher here in inner city . Found myself coming in at 7::12-7:15 for a week or two, supposed to be there for 7:10. My Daughter’s daycare is getting construction done so had to park across street and drop her off. Got reprimanded and a mark on my file for not working during contractual hours; “you’re paid for working 7:10 to 2:22.” Fine. Once school is out at 2:02 I usually open up the weightroom and let athletes workout, give some advice (I was a college athlete and lifted a lot), and I watch them until about 3:15 when their coaches get there. Kids love it, I love it, coaches love it, never asked for pay. But my contracts done at 2:22. One day. Only one day. I posted on our webpage that I wasn’t going to be there. What happened? That same day numerous phones stolen from locker room so cops came, weightroom door broke open, kids running through halls and ran into a teacher sending her to Urgent Care. Admin calls me in asking why I wasn’t watching them. “I was told to work my contractual hours, I’m only paid until 2:22. I did this for fun, and it was unofficial.” Next day whole district gets an email for a job posting “Afterschool Weightroom Coach.” Admin asked me to apply. Now it’s costing them money. Edit: since some of you seem to be butthurt that this isn’t real and “how could they post a position so quickly” here’s my response to a comment below; It’s a long story, we actually used to have a dedicated strength and conditioning coach. He quit last year because, you might guess, was sick of dealing with my admin. They posted the position but no one wanted it and I wasn’t qualified (needed a CSCS). So I unofficially took over because kids wanted to work out which I applaud them for. The new position posted was a revised posting with lowered qualifications so I could take it

Osama Bin Laden's son comes home from school crying... He asks him: "What's wrong son, what happened?" "The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong." "Why, what did you answer?" "The Empire State Building." "Don't worry son, daddy will take care of it."

Customer always found a mistake - so we complied This goes back to around 1990s. I was an independent designer for a few different printing businesses in the South suburbs of Chicago. Back then computers were fairly new and print shops were still old school. Those inserts you found in newspapers? They were still hand lettered back then!!! I'd design brochures and flyers, laser-print proofs, scan photos (a 150 dpi HP scanner was $1200 - that's like $5K today!) and so on. Anyway, one of the print shops had a customer that ALWAYS found an error, would demand a new proof, and not authorize the job until he signed off on the new proof. Every. Single. Time. "This line is crooked" "This word is too dark" and so on. So we came up with a solution. I'd do two proofs. One was the original, accurate one. The other has an obvious intentional mistake. He'd catch the "mistake" and ask for a new proof. He'd be told to come back in an hour (it was usually a day or two.) He'd come back and be shown the 2nd proof. He approved it every time. Demand that there's always a mistake? Here you go!

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

I bumped into an old school friend today I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician." Edit: apparently people don't like the fuck. Too fucking late.

Penis Contest Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?" The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

A kid had sex with his teacher. So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts." Edit: Wow Gold! Thank you so much and dear people that are getting offended over this, it's a joke. Chill!

My hat is unprofessional? Okay, how’s THIS Years ago I taught skiing on the weekends at a small Pennsylvania mountain. They oaid minimum wage for group lessons, but if you were requested for a private lesson, you got paid about 8x as much. Some instructors had business cards made that they would give out at the end of a group lesson so that people would remember their name if they came back for a private lesson. I was too cheap for business cards. Instead, I bought a surplus leather bomber cap. This worked like a charm… people would ask for “the guy with the bomber hat”. Plus it was funny and made students smile. But the ski school director decided it was unprofessional and told me not to wear it. He said it was not “ski gear” and that I needed to wear a skiing-specific hat. So I went out to the local ski shop and bought the most godawful ski hat I could find. It was neon green tiger striped that clashed horribly with our uniforms. The students still asked for me based on my hat, and the ski school director had no desire to push it any further for fear that I would find something even worse.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your sons been telling lies." "Well, he's bloody good, I ain't got any kids." I replied.

Jokes about school shootings aren't funny. Seriously, my brother died in one. I even remember his last words. "Damn it, the cops are here. I guess I'll have the last round for myself."

Need merits to go to prom? Let me help. My youngest is in year 11 (UK, last year of high school) and the school is having a prom for the leavers. While I don't agree with yet another Americanism finding its way over here, I know my daughter is looking forward to it now its her turn. This year however, the school changed the rules so that the students have to earn their way to a ticket, with a certain amount of "merits" given by the teachers. Stupid, idiotic and frankly unfair. The students have kicked up a fuss, but school management is holding firm on it. The teachers? Not so much. Just yesterday my daughter was given merits by different teachers "because your hair looks great", "for the way you walked through that door" and because she gave her friend a high five for getting an answer right. Others have been given merits for equally simple and silly things so the merits given are overflowing. Guess everyone will get to go to the ball after all.

Donald Trump visits an elementary school Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Mr Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted businessman. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Trump searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a private jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Mr Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Teenage sex My teenage daughter came home in a rage. ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

This Is Your Name (Malicious compliance by passive resistance.) Midway through the the school year when I was in the second grade we suddenly got a new teacher. She went around the classroom and asked each of us to stand up and say our names. Now my name is Fredric because my maternal grandmother was named Frieda and she passed away a few days after my birth. But neither of my parents wanted to call me Fred so my nickname became Ric. So when asked I stood up and said my name is Ric. "WE DO NOT USE NICKNAMES IN MY CLASS! YOUR NAME IS RICHARD!" When I attempted to use my correct name I was shut down and told there was no exceptions and I was to use the name Richard. To this day I have no idea why she didn't look at any paperwork to see my name but I simply obeyed her demand and answered to Richard. A couple of weeks later came PTA night and my parents went to meet with her. I was told things went wrong the moment she said she was happy to meet Richard's parents. My mom was a very formidable woman who didn't suffer fools gladly. My father was a delegate in the teachers union so he had some pull of his own. After that Ric was just fine thank you.

You want me to answer your office phone for you while I am working from home? Several years ago, a friend ("Mark") started a home-based computer software business. He and his wife lived in their home for about 10 years and had a well-established home phone number. This was around the time that cell phones were just beginning to be popular, so 95% of people still used mainly landlines. Mark worked 2pm-10pm, the same shift as his wife, so his customers could be free to discuss their computer needs uninterrupted after their own businesses closed for the day. Most computer maintenance still had to be done in person instead of remotely, so customers could drop off devices after work and pick them up from Mark’s back porch on their way to work the next day. All went swimmingly for a few months until a new doctor opened up a practice in town, complete with a telephone number differing from Mark’s by one digit. Mark's number had a ‘3’ where the medical office had an ’8’ in the last 4 number combination. Misdialing was frequent. At first there were occasional calls to which Mark would patiently redirect the caller. As time wore on and the practice got more and more referrals from local hospitals to give Dr. Newintown an established client base, the calls began to come at all hours, 24 hours a day: weekends nights holidays you name it. The office still got calls after hours to an answering service for patients to find out who was on call, and for the hospital staff to reach doctors after hours. Mark had to unplug the phone just to have a conversation over lunch with his wife, and in order to sleep. Also not ideal when you have 3 daughters of dating age out after dark. Mark called the doctor’s office and asked them to please change their phone number so he and his family could get some peace and quiet, and so he could build his own business to support them. Since he had his phone longer, he felt the doctor should be gracious and change his number to a different one to stop the confusion. He was told in about so many words by the doctor that it was too bad, but nothing was going to be done, as advertising, stationery, business cards and signage were expensive to redo, not to mention convey the new information to all his patients, medical registries, the medical board and societies, and hospitals. "Just do the best you can, I'm sure the calls will stop soon. Good luck to you!" "Okey Dokey!! I'll do my best to take care of things!" Mark cheerfully replied. After that, Mark began to field all the calls that came in personally. "You've had the sniffles all morning after working in the yard around pollen? You'd better come right in!" “You start coughing every time you smoke a cigarette? Come on in!!” “Hmm…I’m not the doctor, but a temperature of 98.9 sounds a little high to me. We’ll see you right after lunch today.” "You're new in town and have kids who need physicals and shots for school next week? It just so happens we have an opening in an hour. No, no, don't worry we can take all 5 of them at once, today." Whatever the problem was, he started making appointments for each and every person calling. All were delighted to have such personal attention and prompt appointments. "Sure, we take ALL insurance plans. Come right in!" He also made routine checkup type appointments for 4:30 pm one Friday afternoon for 6 different people. Bright and early the next Monday morning, Dr. Newintown called and begged him to stop. Mark said :"I will if you will." The doctor had a new phone number before the end of the week.

The little black jewish boy... A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

Hallways had "lanes" for students to get them to class faster I was a teacher at a middle school in 2014/2015 that was Title 1 School (extremely low income and test scores). The state government actually removed all administration staff two years prior, for the whole district, as the student outcomes were so low. The new admin came in with a micromanagement authoritarian directive to improve test scores. One of their brightest ideas was to put lanes in the hallways to manage flow and gets students to classes faster. There were three lanes. Two one ways along the walls, and a middle "teacher only lane." Within about three days all the students were driving imaginary cars. They orderly followed one another, would let people in to merge, used turn signals, and generally was pretty fun for a few days. The teachers would direct students at intersections and played along for a bit. The flow did slow down though as students wouldn't pass each other and would have trouble merging into traffic around doorways. Another thing taking time was the students parking their imaginary vehicles outside the classroom. They would spend time backing them into spaces, or have trouble parallel parking. The admin didn't like this and really started getting angry at the staff and students as so many kids were still tardy to class. They actively were handing out detentions and pretty angry at staff for playing along. This really triggered the students to start getting malicious. The students couldn't cross the middle lane, so they would have to walk down long hallways and make u-turns to see their friends or get to their lockers/classrooms. They started cruising the long hallways with their tricked out imaginary low riders. They would have shock noises even. Some of the really popular kids started a bus system where they had a schedule to pickup other students and deliver them to other classes. They would hold shoulders and move as a block. Sometimes the bus broke down at an intersection and blocked traffic for everyone. Drag racing started where they held up traffic and raced down the hallways. Police would pull people over and write tickets. The most annoying part was students needing to leave the classroom to check on their cars to make sure no one stole it. Sometimes a student would come back from the bathroom and ask if anyone was driving a type of car as it was being towed. The disruptions in class started to really get out of control. Admin thought it was going to be a phase and students would get bored. The best part about school for the students turned out to be the time in-between classes. Everyone was tardy constantly. Eventually the lanes (tape) were ripped up and they shortened the passing period time by 2 mins so students had to rush to class and couldn't spend any time in the hallways. The cars slowly died out and the new 'fad' was needing to use the restroom during class time because the passing period was like 3 mins long and not enough toilets to satisfy all the students legitimately. Students were written up for needing to use the bathroom so kids just started clogging toilets and peeing wherever. Other car things: flat tires, emergency sirens, car accidents, gps problems, no gas, lost license, couldn't find keys, stole other kids cars, repo cars, towing cars

Water main burst, maintenance guy told me to stop dumping water out the window I'm a high school science teacher and a few years back a water main burst in my classroom. I saw the drain was clogged so I sent the majority of the class to the library and grabbed some students I knew could handle themselves from coaching wrestling and football. I had them help carry water to the window in trash cans while I called Building and Grounds. A few minutes later a maintenance guy came in and yelled at me, told everyone to leave and that we should let the water fill the class until the pressure cleared the blockage in the drain. The water pressure did not clear the blockage in the drain. The whole hallway on both sides flooded, as did the hallway beneath it, mold grew and we had to shut down over 40 classrooms for over a year. There wasn't enough classroom space and we had to split the student body in half and have one group come in from 5 am to 11 and the other come in from 11-5 pm. The repair cost the district over $15 million. All spring sports were cancelled for the year, the next year's fall sports were cancelled too and in a lot of ways the district never recovered. I got a load of crap from my supervisor, a VP and the school principal in the immediate aftermath and wasn't brought back the next year. I got offered my old job back when they realized how much damage I was trying to prevent but had already moved on to greener pastures.

Raheem is a 6 year old Pakistani kid who walks 8 miles to school every single day. He often arrives late to class. With just a small and generous donation of $1 per person, we can buy a whip and make the little bastard run to school.

You’re going to be a creep to me? I’d like to see you try. This happened a while ago, so this is a approximation of what happened. Back when I was in middle school, there was this boy, we’ll call him Gabe, who bothered girl after girl. He would harass them and follow them around. He would only relent after he was reported, then onto the next victim. Then he moved onto me. He made me VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. One day however, I was talking to my friend who was on her period about cramps and stuff like that. He shouted from another table, “Ew, none of that girl shit, guys don’t want to hear that stuff!” At the time we were just annoyed, but little did I know this would be the key to my freedom. He approached me during PE the next week, and said something along the lines of “Don’t keep secrets from me, I want to hear all of your little sins.” Ew. I was having my period that day, and the cramps were killing me, so I was anything but patient. It hit me in a cramp fueled stroke of genius. “Great, I’ve been looking for someone to talk to! Blood has been leaking from my vagina, and god is it terrible! They need to stock more pads here, there were only tampons and I got blood on my hands, wanna smell? I don’t think the soap has washed the smell off!” He. Looked. Horrified. He mumbled something about it being a joke and he stumbled off. As far as I know, he did not try to bother girls again.

White people dont shoot eachother in strees like black people... We do it in the schools because we have class.

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at. I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

My son drew something in school today which made people scream. They stopped after he opened fire

When I was 8 I was sexually abused by my teacher That really ruined homeschooling for me

why are so many americans stupid? cuz they shoot the ones that go to school

You said you wanted an ad with only one color. You got it buddy! This happened years ago in my past life as a graphic designer. But I still think about it to this day. I was 22 and fresh out of college with my graphic design degree. My first gig was at an advertising company. We mainly did those really horrible print car ads that you got in your mailbox and immediately threw in the trash. You know the ones: only one font and it’s huge and screaming at you. Every inch of space has a picture of car, cramming 50 cars into a 7x5 inch area. You know… trash! Fresh out of school, I foolishly made suggestions on how to make actual ads and not hot garbage. But it was made clear to me very quickly and very aggressively that they wanted trash. So I compiled. Now, we had one client who was THE client. He brought in the most money and bought the most trash ads from us. And he also was very specific on just how bad his ads should look. Font was Impact on all ads and it filled every corner of the paper. On one ad I remember him demanding I squeeze over 100 cars into a single space. It legit looked like a magic eye poster by the time it went to print. I dealt with that guy and his unreasonable requests for over a year. Well the guy amazingly got worse. Started telling me which colors I could or couldn’t use. And one by one, the colors dropped out. And eventually I had enough. After he said I could no longer use orange I said “just to confirm, you do not like and do not want me to use red, orange, yellow, green, purple, pink, brown, white, or black?” He confirmed. I said okay. The only color left was blue. So I spent hours taking all the cars, all the fonts, all the text and all design elements and making them all the same exact blue. No shading. No highlights. Just a flat blue. The end result was one giant flat blue square. Like someone took a paint roller over it. Now I could have made a blue square in two seconds. But I spent hours using all the elements he told me to use to cover my ass. Because when we sent that blue square to proof, the client of course blew up. Called me screaming. I replied calmly that he told me the only color I could use was blue. I used all the pictures and elements he asked for and did exactly what he wanted and made them blue. Our calls were recorded so I didn’t get in any trouble with my boss. And I got to waste several more hours remaking the same ad but with the original car pictures and elements. It was a really fun day.

I just heard there was another school shooting recently in the US Im so glad the world is starting to go back to normal 😇

My daughter defused my son's repeated 6-7's perfectly Since my son turned 7 yrs old he has picked up the 6-7 meme, presumably from school friends. My daughter turned 4 and innocently assumed 6-7 was something to do with her brother's age, so she responds with "3-4" every time! Think it's her first dad joke, so proud!

My son got kicked out of his school for getting his dick sucked by a girl I was furious and said- Wtf son, that's the fifth school this year.... Maybe teaching isn’t for you.

Why don’t white people shoot each other in the streets? Because they do it in schools instead, they have *class*

Asked my son what he learned in school today. He said “Gay men like Sony. Lesbians favour Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose. I knelt down and put my hand on his shoulder and said “Son, those are just stereo types.”

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word... I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

Is it because I'm blonde? A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

Creepy dean asks creepy request, IT complies. Around 2000, 2001, in Argentina, I did a network admin course. The guy that taught the course was also an admin in an university (let's call him ITProf) and he told us this story. The department of the university ITProf worked for dealt mostly with Philosophy and Philosophy-related careers. and it was around 95% female students, mostly high school graduates but also a lot of people that, once retired, started the career as a hobby (in Argentina, university can be free of charge). In Argentina, IDs are numbered and sequential. So, for instance, if an ID starts with 28 million, you can estimate what year that person was born in. There's only one caveat: foreign-born people that have gained citizenship get a number that starts with something like 80 million... The dean (let's call him CreepyDean) at that department was a 50-55 something old dude with, you guessed it, a pretty creepy behaviour. ITProf could access browsing history of every single person in the department and, let's just say, his wasn't pretty nor university related. CreepyDean taught a couple of mid-career courses, he was one of several professors that taught this courses. Every year, each university assigns the students to the courses they ask for and divides them between all available professors. Sometimes this is done by hand, sometimes it's randomized somehow, this is handled by each department. In this case, it was done by a computer program that randomized everything so each course had a wide array of different students. This program was something that ITProf created, because, prior to that, this was done manually. One day, CreepyDean calls ITProf and tells him "I want, in my courses, just female students, with IDs starting at 35 million or more, get it done" and remarked to ITProf that his job was on the line if he didn't comply. Since 95% of the faculty was female, this is a creepy request but CreepyDean knew that it wouldn't be as notorious (he could always blame it on chance) and, at that time, this behaviour was not something that could have gotten CreepyDean fired, but the university board members wouldn't be too happy about this behaviour either. ITProf understood that 35 million or more on the ID was for people that were roughly 21-22 years old or younger, CreepyDean wanted some eye candy and who knows what else... But CreepyDean just said "female, 35 million or more...". So ITProf complied. He assigned all foreign female students, with IDs starting 80 million, and all older than 65 to CreepyDean courses. CreepyDean was furious the first day of classes. He wanted ITProf fired. ITProf told him "I've complied with your request even though it was weird and something that I'm sure the board members wouldn't be to happy to find out about". ITProf told us CreepyDean got "dishonorably" discharged as dean a couple months after this story, there were some speculations but he never found out exactly why. **TLDR: Dean wants an entire class of young female students, IT manages to give him the exact opposite.**

What’s the difference between an ISIS base and a Pakistani school? I don’t know I just fly the drone

White people dont shoot each other in the streets like black people do; we do it in schools, because we have class

I can only take leave in full day increments? Works for me! I accumulate annual leave at a certain number of hours/week, and after one has accumulated 480hrs, you lose any leave until you bring the balance under 480. I'd take 3hrs of leave a week to keep just under 480, and it would just bug my boss that someone would need/want to do that. So, he heads over to HR to explain the situation. They tell him the official policy is that leave is to be taken in full day increments. They also tell him that we shouldn't be changing our timesheets to reflect the hours worked (since we're all salary), so just go ahead and approve them as is, unless we have holiday to put down. He says the idea behind this is that since we're salary, the company knows well have heavy weeks and lighter weeeks, and it'll be a wash in the end. Ok, so I've been losing my 3hrs of leave a week, but I haven't worked a full week in months. At most I've put in 30hrs. I just try to be efficient with my time to make it work. Oftentimes, I'll work 1hr and call it a day. Took a 5 minute work call while on holiday? Thanks for keeping me from burning a full day of leave! I thought the other way was more honest to the company, but they schooled me on how real business works.

I asked my dad at what age it's okay to have sex. He said "when they leave school, they are legal." Apparently 3:15 is not what he meant.

What's the most American thing ever? An "obese" kid pulling out a "gun" from inside a "cheeseburger" aiming at the "school" "football" players from several "feet" away, while screaming "Go back to your own country."

I don't get the point of banning unvaccinated kids from public schools. They'll never reach school age anyway.

If I’m not a “Full Time” employee… I went to a “for-profit” film/photography school and was a student worker (PT) in the “equipment check-out” (think camera, audio, lighting, etc… rental) department. My primary job was repairing damaged equipment, and I was good at it. One of the best managers I have ever had knew I was about to drop out of school in my last year because I couldn’t afford it any more, so she offered me a promotion to full-time (which would allow me to take my final 6 classes at no cost (though I’d be working full-time). When she approved my promotion (which included my pay-rate doubling!) I started working full-time. After a few days, she left for a 3 week cruise (a family vacation she had been preparing over a year for. With her on PTO were now only 2 FT employees in the dept. The rest were PT student workers, and none of them did repair work. I’d been working FT for 2 weeks, and she had been on PTO for 1, when paychecks came out… Mine was 1/2 of what I was expecting. They had not raised my pay-rate. I went to HR on my lunch break to dispute/discuss, and HR was next to useless. “I’m sorry, but your promotion has not been approved yet.” “These things take time.” “It might go through at the end of the month (2 more weeks). “This is not personal, it’s just the regulations.” I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell. I simply told the HR rep that I needed to think about it. So I walked around the rest of my break and thought. <Cue Malicious Compliance> After that, I went back to HR. And told them this: “For the past 2 weeks, I have been working FT, and repairing equipment at the level of a trained technician. As you have stated, my Full Time position is not yet authorized, and as such I can only work a maximum of 24 hrs per week. It’s Wednesday afternoon, and I have maxed out my hours for the week. I’ll be going home now. I have a dog to walk and a pool to swim in (I was house sitting for my manager. Did I say that she was awesome?). I’m not quitting. I’ll be back for my regular shift next Monday, and I will be working 24 hrs/wk, at the level of a ‘student worker’. I’m sure the pile of broken gear will still be there waiting for me. Please understand, there is nothing personal about this… I’m simply following the employee regulations.” At that point I left the campus and drove to the house, walked the dog, and had a swim. Just before 5pm I got a call: “Matt, can you come in tomorrow morning at 8am. We have some papers for you to fill out to finalize your promotion.” Long Story Short: HR/payroll refused to put through a promotion to FT, that my manager had approved. I refused to work FT until my promotion was approved. My manager loved hearing it from HR when she got back. Edit: seems like a common question is: “Did I get the back pay?” Sadly, the answer is no, because the official promotion paperwork (contracts, employee handbook, etc…) had not been finalized and approved. ;(. But I did end up staying there for around 10 more years. Second Edit: Wow, this really blew up! Ive told this story before to people, and it’s my first real post (other than comments) on Reddit. To expand on the “back pay” questions: I was paid for the hours I worked, just not at the higher rate.

I dont know why we still have school shooting drills. It just teaches the quiet kid where to aim when he is ready.

I've been in 15 school shootings and i was lucky not to die! Just be nice with the cops and don't resist

A new teacher, on his first day, noticed that the other children were teasing one boy, calling him "Mikey the Moron." A new teacher, on his first day, noticed that the other children were teasing one boy, calling him "Mikey the Moron." During recess, the teacher asked the kids why they called him that. "Well, sir, he really is a moron," one of them said. "If you offer him a big 50-cent coin and a smaller one-dollar coin, he'll always choose the 50-cent piece because he thinks it's bigger. Here, watch this..." The boy held out both coins to Mikey, who, as predicted, took the 50-cent piece. The teacher was surprised and asked Mikey later, "Why did you choose the 50-cent coin instead of the dollar?" Mikey replied, "Look, sir, it's bigger!" After school, the teacher approached Mikey privately. "Don't you understand that even though the 50-cent piece is physically larger, the one-dollar coin is worth more and you can buy more with it?" "Of course I understand that, sir," Mikey said. "Then why do you always choose the 50-cent piece?" the teacher asked. Mikey replied, "Because the day I choose the dollar is the day they stop giving me money!"

Congratulations USA Zero school shootings so far this year.

I don't understand school shooter jokes They must be aimed at a younger audience

No hair that touches the shirt collar? Okay. We’ll wear wigs! This is setting the way back machine to the early 90s. Back when the membership warehouse I worked for allowed smoking in the breakroom. One day, seemingly out of nowhere, our warehouse manager decided to enforce the dress code that men’s hair could not be long enough to touch the collar of our shirt. This was a problem for a few of my coworkers who had very long hair. One guy had been growing his out since high school, and it was down to his ass. Well, none of them wanted to cut their hair, but were being given no wiggle room. Well, one day the guy referenced above came to work with short hair. It looked like he actually cut it, but after a few days he told us, no management, that he had a wind made that looked like his real hair. This led to all the other guys with questionable locks getting wigs. Now where the malicious compliance comes in is that the wigs became to get more and more ridiculous. A ginger got one that was jet black. An African-American guy had a wig with red hair. It got to the point the shoppers were making comments, and these guys weren’t shy about telling them that management said they weren’t allowed to have long hair. The whole fiasco lasted less than 4 months before we were told that as long as the natural hair was clean, presentable, and didn’t interfere with working duties, length would no longer be an issue.

Why are americans so stupid? Because they keep shooting the ones that go to school...

how do you get rid of a pedophile chasing you go through a school zone

It's bring your pet to school day I brought my desert eagle

Adults hate school shooting jokes Must be aimed at younger audiences

I have to teach in my classroom? Bet. I first started teaching over 20 years ago at a high school, so this was roughly May of 2004. As a new teacher, I was the low man on the pole and ended up in a portable classroom instead of the main building. If you don't know, it is what it sounds like. Kind of like a small mobile home trailer. They are meant to be used temporarily at best, for overcrowding or emergencies and the like. The big problem is that Florida is hot as hell. We have two seasons: Summer and Hot Summer. This particular year, our AC in the portable couldn't keep up. The insulation in the building had been damaged in a hurricane the previous year and had not been repaired yet. As a result of those two things, it was hotter inside the portable than it was outside in the shade with a breeze. So I said "fuck it" and moved class outside and taught math in the courtyard for a few days. One of the assistant principals saw us, and asked to see me later. He asked why I was teaching outside, and I explained. "Teach in your classroom." I tried to negotiate. What if the front office has my cell number? What about the media center, can I teach there? "Teach in your assigned classroom." Bet. That weekend, I went to the home improvement store. I bought a 50 gallon trashcan, a large standing fan, a small pump and some copper tubing. I rigged it up so the chilled water would be pulled through the tubing that was zip tied to the front of the fan. Then Monday I went to work early and got a bunch of ice from the cafeteria to put in the trash can. I filled the cooler with water and dumped that in there with the ice. I now had enough ice water to make cool air. When the kids showed up for first period, we had some air. It wasn't as good as a real air conditioner, but it helped. The kids thought I was a mad scientist, and that actually made me think about switching subjects to science later. No kids I am not a mad scientist, just basic thermodynamics here. By third period kids are telling each other about it. We went that way for about a week and a half before it ended. I got called in to the office. "Why am I getting phone calls from parents about some science experiment in your MATH CLASS, Mr. Cobb?" It seems some of the kids had been talking about my DIY solution at home. "It's a home made air conditioner. I told you ours was crappy. You didn't want to address the situation, so I did." I was told to disassemble it, and by some miracle, I had a newer AC unit in my portable the next day. The principal was PISSED I "made the school look bad" and she non-renewed my contract at the end of the year, so I had to find a new school. My son goes to that high school now. Those same portables are still in use.

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology. Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support. EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!

[NSFW] I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool. 5x0=0

What’s the best thing about going to an American school for deaf kids? You don’t need to use a silencer

Why don't Americans use the metric system? They do. 9mms are quite common in American schools.

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

After her son got kicked out of the 5th school he had attended that year for violent behavior towards his friends, the mother rolled her eyes and said, "My precious little angel would NEVER hurt ANYONE." As the police were taking her 2 year old daughter's bloody and battered body out of their family home, all the mother could do was stand outside with her head in her hands and say, "My precious little angel would never hurt anyone..." over and over and over again.

A Ыаck Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Ыack?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!"

Australia's smartest man An airplane was about to crash.. There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes. The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Tony Abbot said, “I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest man in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.” He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry said, “I’m a Senator and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America.” He grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl; “I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little girl said “That’s okay, Mr President. There’s a parachute left for you..., Australia’s smartest man just took my schoolbag.”

The Gynecologist had become fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine. The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher. "I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked. "Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room... As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain: "Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well." "Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks. "Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

Phineas and Verb, but all the ferbs are replaced with "fuck" and "fucking" There's 104 days of summer vacation And school fucks along just to fuck it So the annual problem for our generation Is fucking a good way to fuck it Like maybe... Fucking a rocket Or fucking a mummy Or fucking up the Eiffel Tower Fucking something that doesn't exist, Hey! Or fucking a monkey a shower Fucking tidal waves Fucking nanobots Or fucking Frankenstein's brain, It's over here! Fucking a dodo bird Fucking a continent Or fucking your sister insane, Phineas! As you can fuck There's a whole lot of stuff to fuck Before school fucks this fall, fuck on Perry! So fuck with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna fuck it all So fuck with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb are Gonna fuck it all! Mom! Phineas and Ferb are fucking a title sequence!

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school". He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

“It really seems like much of your emotional trauma stems from your being homeschooled, but we’ll have to address that in the next session, as we’re out of time,” her therapist said slowly as she looked at her watch. Esther looked up at her therapist, wiping away tears, and asked, “Mom, do we have math next?”

A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, tightened a couple of nuts, and the sink worked perfectly again. The professor was delighted. But when, a minute later, the plumber handed him the bill, he was shocked. “This is a third of my monthly salary!” “Yeah, I get it…” said the plumber. “Why don’t you come work for our company as a plumber? You’ll make three times more than you do as a professor. Just remember: when you apply, say you only finished seventh grade. They don’t like hiring educated people.” So the professor got a job as a plumber, and his life really did improve. All he had to do was tighten a nut here and there every so often, and his salary was much higher. One day, the management of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to attend evening classes to finish eighth grade. So our professor had to go too. By chance, the very first class was math. The evening school teacher, wanting to check what the students knew, asked for the formula for the area of a circle. They called the professor up to the board, and he suddenly realized he’d forgotten it. He started frantically reasoning it out, covering the board with integrals, differentials, and all sorts of fancy formulas to re-derive the result. In the end, he got: S = –π r² He didn’t like the minus sign, so he started again. Again he got a minus. No matter what he did, it kept coming out negative. He cast a panicked look at the class, and all the plumbers were whispering: “Swap the limits of integration!”