100+ Work Jokes

V V *Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

I wore a suit to work and got my supervisor soft demoted I’m posting mainly because I’m not a passive-aggressive type and I’m in disbelief that this actually worked.   Ever since I started at my job a few months ago, my supervisor—we’ll call him Josh—has been micromanaging me. When I’m the subject of criticism (which is often), I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him to clarify. What are your expectations? What specifically should I have done differently? Josh’s responses are always vague, often something to the effect of “Just do better.” I even had a meeting with Josh and HR to address this, but to no avail. Yesterday, Josh comes to my desk to tell me I need to dress better. Now, I work at a small company, and the vibe is unusually casual. A not-insignificant number of people come to work wearing jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and/or baseball caps. I have never worn a hat to work, and I make a point of wearing a button-up shirt with a collar every day. This particular day I was wearing a long-sleeve button-up flannel, chino pants, and Adidas gazelles. Other days I wear loafers and dress shirts that are tucked in. So, I ask Josh to clarify. Should I be wearing dress shoes? Dress shirt? Tucked in? What specifically do you want me to change? Josh tells me I just need to dress better and that I should talk to HR for clarification. So I go in to HR and ask, what is the dress code? I get a standard answer: pants, close-toed shoes, no sleeveless shirts, etc. I ask, have I ever worn anything to work that poses a problem? HR says no, you’re fine.   Because I’m mad, and because my repeated efforts to resolve this kind of problem had gone unheeded, I decided to be petty. The next day (today), I showed up to work in a full suit. It’s one I keep for events like weddings, so it’s fitted and I look really sharp in it. It’s also wildly and conspicuously overdressed for the office I work in. I had several interactions with people coming to my desk to comment on my outfit and ask what the occasion was. When anyone asked (only if they asked), I told them I had been told to “dress better.” This was always met with disbelief and incredulity. Two people even said they like the way I dress normally. When anyone asked me who the order came from—again, only if they asked—I told them it came from Josh.   I was expecting to pull my little stunt for a week just to prove a point, and then go back to wearing what I had been wearing before. Word got around the office fast, apparently, because the CEO (Josh’s direct boss) came to my desk later in the day to tell me I would be reporting to him now, and that he’d be having a talk with Josh about this and other issues. It’s important to note that I was Josh’s only underling, so he effectively went from being a supervisor to just a regular employee. I’m on a bit of a high now, I think I’m going to come in to work tomorrow wearing a different one of my flannels! Edit: This blew up! Thank you for all the support. No, this isn't AI and I didn't use ChatGPT to edit for style or grammar. I genuinely like em dashes and I use them regularly in writing—I promise!

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it. There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'" "That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!" **EDIT: Thanks a lot to** u/Green_Justice710 **and the 5 anonymous redittors who have awarded me for this... thank you! I'm glad I could make you guys laugh!!** **EDIT 2: Thanks also to** u/darknep u/JMetcalf3 **and 5 other anonymous posters... you're too kind!! Thank you!** **EDIT 3: Just spent the last hour reading up on all the comments and appreciation... this thing really blew up, huh??? Well, you know what that means right?? More Edits, lol... thanks to u**[**/BlackBeard\_727**](https://www.reddit.com/user/BlackBeard_727) **u**[**/Hirsty\_92**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hirsty_92) **u**[**/Cparman9**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cparman9) **u/**[**WeHaSaulFan**](https://www.reddit.com/user/WeHaSaulFan) **u**[**/Serg2778**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Serg2778) **u/**[**Official\_Vsauce**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Official_Vsauce) **u**[**/Jocombs**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Jocombs) **u/**[**throwRAnoitsmydog**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnoitsmydog) **u**[**/walmartlifer**](https://www.reddit.com/user/walmartlifer) **u/**[**GregHawkwind**](https://www.reddit.com/user/GregHawkwind) **u/**[**OneBraveBunny**](https://www.reddit.com/user/OneBraveBunny) **u**[**/reddit\_guy88**](https://www.reddit.com/u/reddit_guy88) **u/**[**PolarJumper**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PolarJumper) **u/**[**NetworkMick**](https://www.reddit.com/user/NetworkMick) **and the multiple anonymous redditors as well. Glad I could tickle your funny bones!! (;**

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!” Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.” Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

The Queen's breasts Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer. Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing... She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again, he thanked her. He finished his round, went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t.” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at!” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

Three friends bragged about who has more sex.... Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter. He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. *My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. *How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma." PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades. Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was... At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island... He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this... One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say... She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him... "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok..." "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited... She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"

“Show up 30 minutes early.” Sure Dave, as long as you do too! I am 15 years old and work as a soccer referee. I will normally arrive 10-15 minutes early to a game, which is plenty of time to check in players from both teams and make sure the field is in proper playing condition. One game I showed up to, as an assistant referee(AR). My center ref, 18 years old, let’s call him Dave, told me that all refs have to arrive 30 minutes early to every game. I know this is not true, and stayed silent. We reffed the game as usual, and returned to where we put our stuff at the end of the game. Dave told me that because I didn’t arrive 30 minutes early, he would mark that I didn’t show up, basically telling me that I wouldn’t get paid for the game we just worked. I complained that this was a rule that he made up. He left the game without saying anything else, figuring that would be all. Note: If you referee without any ARs, you get paid like 5$ more. I think this was Dave’s plan. When I got home, I made sure to sign up to be center referee at every game where Dave was an AR. Poor Dave showed up to his next game 15 minutes early, which is absolutely unacceptable. I said nothing the whole game, but only marked him absent, which means he wouldn’t get paid. This went on for a week and half until his paycheck came in, and he was about 120$ off of what his total should’ve been. (I did make sure every game that Dave was less then 30 minutes early) Dave emails one of the main referees(who run everything) to see what the problem was. One of the main referees, let’s call him John, told Dave that he wasn’t there, so he wouldn’t get paid. Dave put two and two together and realized what I did. Emails were sent between Dave, John, and I, until John had the full story. Dave was fired for making up rules, and I got paid for the first game with Dave. Don’t take advantage of young people. Take that Dave. Edit: Don’t take advantage of people, not just young people.

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe... A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you Edit: Thank you kind stranger for my first gold. The people of Iraq thank you too.

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile... In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

Handjobs [nsfw] A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

Antiwork did an interview on Fox News to try to create a good public image of their sub It didn't work.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it. There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.  The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.” Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother. ^Edit: ^Fixed ^grammar ^+ ^tenses.

A man at my wife’s workplace has been sexually harassing her, but honestly I feel like it’s her fault. She’s the one who chose to work from home, and she knows how I feel about dat ass.

Cheating Wives A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE... I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"

Boss accused me of bullying so I requested punishment Years ago I worked in a semi-public sector job as part of a successful team helping make life easy for local businesses. Our team boss took a good job in the private sector and a new boss was recruited from a decent organisation similar to ours in a different part of the country. She worked compressed hours Monday-Thursday and was off on Fridays. A month or two in, and although the new boss was quite particular about things being done her way and had upset a couple of my colleagues by criticising their work, I'd had no problems with her. We had a team meeting where the boss said that our performance wasn't good enough (we were arguably the best in the country) and that she wanted to be more involved in what and how we did everything to ensure better quality and so we should copy her to every client email so she could comment as needed before we sent another reply. Although this seemed inefficient, nobody argued and I just asked her if I should wait until Monday for her to comment on any client emails received on a Friday. I can't remember exactly what she said, but at the end of the meeting she asked me to stay behind and then told me in a heated tone that my question was "bullying behaviour", that it was "unprofessional" to ask the question in front of the team, and said that my actions were the sort of thing that HR would see as grounds for dismissal and that I should be "very careful" in future. I told her I understood and we returned to our desks where I wrote up every single detail of the entire meeting and interaction and sent it to the Head of HR with the explanation that as bullying was very serious and may not be reported by the victim, I felt duty-bound to report myself. I also laid it on pretty thick about being appalled by my unprofessional behaviour and the fact that my career was likely at risk and I clearly had a desperate need for training and discipline to fix my dangerous ways. I also copied in my union rep. Within a day me, my union rep, and my boss were with the Head of HR who, being a 'by-the-book' professional, could find no indication of bullying or justification for my fears of being an unprofessional bully in need of re-education. I was asked to leave the meeting. My union rep stayed in and I don't know what was said but within 6 weeks my boss was gone and that same week my (weak and ineffective but likeable) big boss called me in to thank me as he had wanted to get rid of her but hadn't known how.

Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Punishing me for underperforming for 1 day in 2 years? No problem. Hello everyone, I will try to be concise. **BACKROUND** I work at a company where I handle mid to high level complaints to managers, PR and legal. My daily requirement is 40 cases handled per day, there are some of my team colleagues that struggle with this, but I don't, and I don't feel lazy to stop at 40, so I have handled 50-55 basically every day for the past two years. There is no bonus (or even recognition) for this, I just did it because I felt a friendly obligation to the company. Complaints can be a 5 minute resolution, or a 2 hour zoom call with our New York lawyers, it's a gamble really. **THE EVENT** Recently I had a day where I felt a bit sick and at the same time, had bad luck of getting only very hard cases that required more time, so I had 39 cases (1 under the requirement). I thought nothing of it, as my weekly average way off the charts, 50+ as usual. The very next day I felt better and went back to my usual high numbers. Come Monday, I had a "emergency 1-on-1" with my manager where I was informed that I had to attend a 3 day workshop/seminar on how to best meet requirements, because I "underperformed last week." My jaw dropped, and I asked don't they count the weekly, monthly, yearly numbers, to which I was told that the "daily requirement is 40, and this is standard practice, nothing we can do." Basically it was a workshop for underperformers who had 20-30 out of 40 cases daily, it was nothing hard, but I did need to drive there for 3 days after work and listen to HR guys giving bad advice (as they never actually handled the cases in real life) and I had to talk about what will I do to improve my numbers and "reach the 40", as they nonsense HR talk calls it. This made me lose hours and hours of my free time and I was livid. After it was over, I had a long think and I decided that I will do exactly that. I will "reach the 40" and that's it. **THE AFTERMATH** For the past few months, I go into work, I handle 40 cases, my daily requirement, and then I do NOTHING for the rest of my shift. I have had multiple 1-on-1's with my manager during this time, and I am constantly asked: "is something wrong", to which I naively reply "no, am in trouble, am I underperforming?" and then of course they say that I am 100% within daily requirements and that way I shut the conversation down. This is real life, so I can't really say a clever comeback or something like that, but I do keep "playing the fool" that has no idea what is wrong now, but I find satisfaction in knowing that they got used to my overachieving and are now suffering for the lack of it. Before Easter, they put up an internal ad for promoting another 2 managers, so my guess is how that is the number of people they will now need to pay extra, just because they lost me as an overachiever, and they lost me for no reason other than their own stupidity. Thank you all, I hope I did not bore you.

I wonder if strippers ever have nightmares that they show up to work in business casual. James Etchison y @jamesetchison

Manager said "no phones during work hours, period." So I stopped answering his calls. I work IT support for a medium-sized company. We've always been allowed to have our phones at our desks, sometimes family emergencies happen, doctors call back, whatever. As long as we weren't scrolling social media all day, nobody cared. New manager comes in last month, sees one person checking a text, and loses it. Sends out an email: "EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: No personal phones during work hours. They must be left in your car or locker. This means 9-5, NO EXCEPTIONS. Anyone caught with a phone will be written up" Okay sure boss... The thing is, our manager works from home three days a week. And when server issues pop up after hours or on weekends, guess how he contacts us? That's right , our personal phones. We don't have company phones. Friday afternoon, 4:45 pm. Major server issue. I see it, could fix it in 10 minutes, but my phone is in my car as per policy. I calmly finish my work at 5:00 and walk out. By the time I get to my car and check my phone at 5:15, I have 17 missed calls and a string of increasingly panicked texts from my manager. The server has been down for 30 minutes. Multiple departments cant do anything. I call him back: "Hey, just got to my car and saw your calls. Whats up?" He's furious (malding and seething), asking why I didnt answer. I remind him about the no phones policy. He says that's different, this was an emergency. I point out his email said "NO EXCEPTIONS" and I was just following policy to avoid a write-up. Monday morning? New email: "Personal phones are permitted at desks for emergency purposes." Back to normal then.

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

My boss insisted we cut out the middleman to save 15%, so I let him handle the logistics of a 40-foot container I work as a purchasing manager for a mid-sized home goods retailer. We have used the same domestic importer for our seasonal decor for five years. They charge a markup, but they handle the customs, the quality checks, and the shipping. It is hassle-free. My new Director of Operations is convinced that he is a business genius. He called a meeting last month and lectured me about how we are hemorrhaging money by using a local distributor. He told me to cancel our contract for the holiday shipment and go direct to the source. I warned him. I told him that dealing with freight forwarders, tariffs, and port delays is a full-time job. He told me I was just being lazy. He actually said, “Just get me the contacts, I'll close the deal myself.” So I did. I spent a few days on Alibaba compiling a list of legitimate Chinese manufacturing companies that produce glass ornaments. I handed him a spreadsheet with twenty factory contacts, their MOQ (Minimum Order Quantity) requirements, and the time zone differences. I sat back and watched the show. He realized that FOB Price does not include shipping to our warehouse. He wired money to a supplier but forgot to hire a customs broker, so the shipment got flagged by CBP. The container sat at the port for ten days because he didn't understand what an ISF filing was. The demurrage fees (fines for not moving the container) alone cost more than the 15% he was trying to save. He came to my desk yesterday, looking incredibly humbled, and asked if I still had the phone number for our old importer. TL;DR: Boss thought international trade was easy; I let him manage a direct import order and he ended up paying double in fines and fees.

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

My job told us they would pay more if an employee became bilingual. Felly, dysgais Gymraeg. I had a job that had a standing policy that if you could speak at least two languages, you got a 10% raise. I've always been a natural at languages but I don't speak any of them fluently. Usually just enough to get into trouble. At a previous job I was disciplined for telling a supervisor that only ever addressed me in Spanish to please speak English. In German. She wrote me up for speaking a language that she didn't understand, and was completely oblivious to the irony. But I got a job I liked and saw that pay incentive because we only had so many bilingual employees in a job that frequently requires you to go to job sites where English is not spoken. Well I wanted to learn the language of my ancestors, so I picked up a Welsh class online and while I didn't become fluent, I spoke enough to carry on a rudimentary conversation. Which would be great if anybody here actually spoke Welsh. But I then went to HR to see if I qualified for the pay raise. You had to go talk to someone and management, and they would test your proficiency. I proceeded to tell them in Welsh that I could speak it, and that my family came from Wales in 1745. The manager then told me that the policy meant Spanish. But as the policy didn't specify Spanish and just said bilingual, they honored the policy gave me my raise and then change the policy immediately after that. I haven't ever had to use Welsh at work, but they have had me translate for new hires who couldn't understand some of our clients who speak with very accented Cajun and Scottish accents. Hwyl ya'll

Supervisor told me sarcastically to call the Fire Department. I did. Worked in retail in between jobs way back when, early '90's. Yea, I'm old, get off my lawn. It was December, major Department Store that is no longer around, I know that doesn't narrow it down, sorry. Anyways, they tried to cram as much product on the floor as possible, to the point that you couldn't walk through the aisles and had to twist and turn to get past the fixtures set up with product. I casually mentioned to a supervisor that if the Fire Department ever came in they would close us down for the hazards and lack of egress. She was highly stressed and blurted out to me "You know what? Then call the Fire Department!" I held my hands up and said "Easy". She assigned me my duties and that was that. Well ... she DID tell me to call. On the way home I stopped by a government building that had all sorts of agencies in it. Told the receptionist my plight and she pointed to a phone on the wall. Tell the operator I want the FD and they would patch me through to the stations non emergency line. The Fire Chief himself answered. I told him how crowded it was and what the supervisor said. He had a good laugh and said they'd "check it out". I was off the next day but heard about it when I got back. Fire chief and a station house full of firefighters show up to do an inspection. He tells the store manager that egress is being blocked and he'd have to remove a lot of the fixtures in the aisles. Store manager says he has orders from corporate, fixtures stay. Fire Chief assures him he will win the argument. Store manager stands his ground. Fire Chief "Alright boys, close them down!" They evacuated the store (all 3 levels) and closed all entrances ... in December ... prime Christmas shopping season. Although it wasn't a weekend day it was during the week, but still. Store manager tried to protest and suddenly the Sheriff's Department starts showing up. Long story short, they were closed for 5 1/2 hours while the Chief, Store Manager, and employees rearranged the store to acceptable levels. The supervisor never treated me differently so I'm guessing she didn't remember the conversation. The Store Manager, surprisingly, did NOT get fired by corporate but corporate was not happy. About a week later I'm working with the store manager and supervisor when she asks why we can't do something a certain way? The Store Manager replied "The Fire Department won't allow that." and that was it. I worked there a few more weeks before getting a job that almost got me killed in a workplace shooting. But that's a story for later. EDIT 1: There are some videos on YouTube about postal shootings, one done by a woman which is insane. Even the comments. The one I was in the person was acting out for well over a year (Skeptic magazine had a great issue about mass shootings, I think from 2013. One study they talked about was how the mass shooters never snap but act out for usually a year or longer before committing the act. Interesting stuff). Myself as well as other employees expressed concern to management about the behavior and potential for violence but they said that employee was "harmless". Didn't surprise a lot of us who it was when it happened. I could go on, but honestly, most of you would think I'm lying, but I could corroborate every story. And the funny part is, other postal workers would snicker and say "That's nothing, let me tell you what happens at our facility". It IS the most violent workplace in America, and also the most deadly.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working I'm going to my mum's house." So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean?

AITA for eating my coworker's lunch? Wait, wrong sub

“Do all the work yourself or get 0%” In high school I was in a science class that I did very well in. I was top of the class and scored nearly 100% on every test and assignment. The teacher assigned a big group project that would take about a week to complete with a team of four students. Groups were randomly assigned, and unfortunately, I was paired up with three kids who were barely passing the class. In class we are given time to make plans together as a group to divide up work, examine the instructions, schedule times outside of school to meet up, etc. It was at this point my teammates decided to tell me that they weren’t going to do any work on the project. I asked why, and they said they knew I really cared about my grade, so they figured I would do it on my own. They were so lazy they were banking on the fact I wouldn’t tank my own grade, so they could benefit off of my hard work when I inevitably got a good score on the project. I was pissed and said that was unfair. They dug in and said “Too bad. Now you either do this project yourself or you’ll get a 0%.” Cue malicious compliance. Now, I could have gone to the teacher and he probably would have sorted this out, but a better idea struck me. So I said “Fine, you win. I’ll do what you say.” They smiled smugly and thought that was that. But you see, this teacher had a policy that at the end of the semester your lowest grade (excluding finals) would be taken off your record. So, if you forgot to turn in an assignment or did really bad on one test, you got a mulligan so it wouldn’t ruin your final grade. I had never done poorly on an assignment all year, so I never needed my mulligan. However, I knew that these shitheads all did. If they got a big fat zero on a crucial assignment, they would probably fail the class. So, I did exactly as they instructed. I did no work on the project all week. Just sat on it and bided my time. At the beginning of the next week all the students turned in their assignments. My team watched as I sat in my chair, unmoving. Finally one said: CLASSMATE: Hey OP, aren’t you going to turn in the project?” ME: Oh, I didn’t do the project. They were shocked and asked why the hell I didn’t do it. ME: You said do all the work or get a 0%. I choose 0%. They were all royally pissed. They all had to do credit recovery over the summer. They hated my guts, but I couldn’t have cared less. It was the most satisfying failing grade in my entire life.

My younger brother has the kind of Tourette Syndrome where he constantly shouts, @gianmarcosoresi "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Obviously, he can't help it, but it's very hard for him to find a job. And I feel guilty because I was the one who taught him "fuck" was a bad word. If I had taught him "hotdogs" was a bad word, he'd be working at Yankee Stadium.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!! Man, I hate babies. EDIT: Paraphrased from an old Doug Stanhope joke. [Check him out](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaFZrxlPwWs), he's a great comic. One of the greatest.

No drinks at your desk. Fine, but don’t expect me to answer the phones Used to work reception at a small insurance office in the UK. Policy was no food or drink at the front desk, fair enough. But one summer, we had a heatwave and no air con. I brought a water bottle and discreetly kept it behind the monitor. One day, the manager spots it and tells me, Absolutely no drinks at the desk. Doesn’t matter if it’s hot, rules are rules. I asked, Even water? And she said yes. So the next day, I don’t bring any. By 2pm, I’m dizzy and dehydrated. I walk away from the desk and sit in the break room to drink water. Manager comes in and ask why I'm not at the desk. I reminded her that she said no drinks at the desk. I needed water, so I had to leave. Phones start ringing off the hook and clients are standing around waiting. I was told to use common sense after that and my water bottle stayed.

You want me to be “on time”? Okay- down to the minute. The timekeeping system at my job runs on a 15-minute increment schedule. Basically, if you clock in during the first 7 minutes of the increment, it rounds you backward to the start of that segment. If you’re in the last 7 minutes, it rounds you forward to the end of the segment. Example: You clock out at 4:52? Congrats, the system says you left at 4:45. Now, if you clock in and out multiple times a day (like for lunch), that’s four punches—and potentially up to 28 minutes lost or gained depending on where you land in those increments. Shortly after I started, I began getting flooded with emails about being “short” a few minutes on my timesheet and was told I had to submit PTO—even though I worked full 8-hour days, sometimes more. It didn’t matter that I was physically at work; if the system said I was short, I had to burn time off. So I started paying attention. Really close attention. Here’s the twist: my employer doesn’t pay overtime in cash, but they do give you 1.5x time off if you earn it. So one hour of OT = 1.5 hours of PTO. With some strategic clocking in and out—always landing on the “helpful” side of the 15-minute window—I’ve gotten good at squeezing out those 28 minutes extra a day. That adds up to 140 minutes (2 hours 20 minutes) of overtime a week… which, when converted at 1.5x, becomes 3.5 hours of PTO every week. All for doing exactly what they asked: watching the clock very closely. Thanks for the free time off!

Trying to performance manage me out of a job? I'm up for the challenge Years ago I worked for a supervisor who just didn't like me. No reason why since I just came to work, did my job, and went home at the end of the day. But he decided that I was terrible at what I did and decided to performance manage me out of my job. Game on. He wrote me up for some vague bullshit and asked me to sign it but since it didn't show any hard facts and data I asked for examples of this. Meeting ended with document unsigned since he didn't have an example for this. Tried it again with an example this time and I asked how often this would be reviewed for feedback, how the feedback would be given, and how the improvement or non improvement would be measured. He hadn't have a solid answer so again no document signed and the meeting ended. The next time me had HR in the meeting and had all his documentation and the answer to my questions from the prior meeting. He decided to be so smart on how feedback would be given daily via email. I signed the paper and he gave a smug smile. Next day comes along and shockingly there was zero feedback given. No email sent for the rest of the week. Get called into a meeting with boss and HR with a paper saying there was no improvement and I was being put on warning for termination and oops I'm sorry but can you show me the emails where feedback was given daily as outlined? There were none. Meeting ended. Next day email sent with feedback. I responded with facts and data. No response. Day after email sent with feedback. Again responded noting that I hadn't gotten any follow up for the day before and responded to that day's email with facts and data. 3rd day I again noted that I hadn't gotten any answers to the prior 2 days questions and added facts and data for this one. Then I cc'ed the HR person and sent it back. Apparently after much discussion boss decided that it was too hard to performance manage someone out of a job and my work was suddenly just fine after all.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Libertarians are the smartest people ever. Until they keep talking. Every conversation goes like this: "We should stay out of Syria!" Sounds reasonable. "Legalize marijuana and gay marriage!" I totally agree. "Every child has the right to work in a factory!" Wait, what? "Do you want Uncle Sam reading your email?!" Hell no! "Then who is he to tell you what is and isn't flammable?!" Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnake Photo: KL Thomas

The most unbelievable thing about Superman is that he grew up in a small town in Kansas. I've met a lot of people from Kansas. Let's just say they don't tend to work for the liberal media Daily Planet in a city they would probably refer to as "Jewtropolis." Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnak

TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested. Sorry, wrong sub.

Got a new tattoo My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office. I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

AITA for eating my coworker's subway? Oops, wrong sub!

Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up... Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out

Start 30 minutes later to save company money? Ok. At one of the factories I worked at, we had a shift overlap. Each shift was there for 8.5 hours, with a half hour unpaid lunch. We had a half hour on shift change to tell the incoming shift what was going on with the machines. A bean counter figured out how much money could be saved with this 'unnecessary' half hour hand over time being cut. This also cut our workday to 7.5 paid hours. They told the lead men to coordinate the shift handover, even though there was too much information for one person to handle. Cue the malicious compliance. I strolled onto the production floor at my new assigned start time. Machines were all down. Operators wait for me (a set up operator) and the lead man to discuss what needed to be done. Instead of machines running continuously, they were shut down for at least a half hour. My lead man furiously asked me why I didn't come in earlier. I told him I don't work for free. Naturally, my approach to the new way spread to the other shifts, and suddenly people who always came in early decided they didn't want to work for free either. The factory production levels dropped. Upper management asked why. Several fingers were pointed at me for starting the rebellion, but nothing could be done to make us work for free. A week later, our hours were changed back.

Her best feature.... NSFW A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me." Edit: sweet front page thanks guys. I wish I heard it coming.

My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!” I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

Don't want to pay 4 guys to not work for 6 hours? OK, you can pay 30 guys to not work for 6 hours. To make an already long story as short as possible, some background. I am a manager for a North American railroad, and a lot of our work involves different crafts of employees. Different crafts have different unions and different work rules. The managers of the other crafts and I work together well to get done what we need to get done, especially when some of the work needs to get done at night. The track guys can have a crew assigned to nights, while the signal guys can't. Even better, the signal guys who work overnight have to be let go after 12 hours, and if it's now their regular shift because they came in last night, they get paid the rest of the day to go home and sleep. Track guys have all three shifts, but we only have a day shift and an evening shift, but no night shift, because the big hats don't want to hire enough people to do it. Now, the company has decided that paying guys to go home 2 hours early on a Thursday, come in and work overtime all night at 10pm, and go home at 10am, getting another 4 hours pay to go home and sleep is the ending of all that is good and pure in the universe, and will eventually lead to the collapse of capitalism, the nation, and indeed the universe itself. So they decide that the second shift guys have to stay 4 extra hours, and the first shift guys have to come in 4 hours early. I point out that: 1) I can't force employees to work overtime unless it's an emergency, and the union isn't likely to agree that "we want to do this at night so we don't affect traffic" is an emergency. 2) Not all employees are qualified on the same things. 3) Since they took half of my trucks away 5 years ago (because savings!!) I don't have enough vehicles for an entire second crew to show up at 2am and relieve the guys working in the field so they can go home. The guys currently working will have to stop work, pack up the tools, drive back to the office, let the (smaller) relief crew load up, drive back out to the work site, do the starting paperwork and briefings, and begin the work. And most importantly: 4) That while we aren't there, the track guys can't work, because we have to keep taking things off of the rail so the track guys can do their work, and then put them back when the guys are done so we can run the trains in the morning. All of it falls on deaf ears, because the freckle-faced college kid (who opens every conversation with "I have an MBA, dammit") who has somehow gotten to a position where he's in charge of the estimates wants to complain about those 24 hours a night. So, after having gone on the meeting record for all of it, I get out of the kids way. I decide that if my boss isn't going to have my back, I'm not going to stop this inevitable disaster. After all, I have only been doing this for 27 years, but he graduated with a 3.6 GPA from UTEP, so he must know better. So, the first night, the job grinds to a halt like clockwork at 1am, the second crew shows up at about 4:15, and they get to work. The track folks pack it in, because by the time anything gets dismantled, there won't be enough time to get anything done and put it all back together to start moving trains by 7. Second night, the shift change was a little smoother, so they got out there at 3:45. Managed to get a little work done before packing up. Third and fourth night it rained REALLY hard, so the drive back to the shop and out to the jobsite took extra time. No work done after the new crew showed up at 4:30. Bright and early Monday morning we show up at our morning meeting to find that the track guys got about 30% of the work done that they'd planned for the week, and at this pace would finish a 6-week job more than 15 weeks behind, and over budget by more than 300% Mr. MBA proceeds to launch into his carefully-rehearsed speech about Key Metrics, Percent Spent vs Percent Complete, and all sorts of other nonsense. Then he decides to start in on me. Since I obviously conspired and colluded with my employees to "egregiously erode progress" for an entire week. I held up the meeting minutes from the previous week, told him in no uncertain terms that he had asked, in fact *demanded* that we have a full shift change in the middle of the track department's work. I looked across the table at him, and asked him if he wanted to revise that position. Completely unwilling to let this lowly *engineer* tell him what to do, he said no, and I was supposed to somehow magically make the shift change FASTER. Next 3 weeks were the same story. They've now been out there for a month, and have managed to accomplish just shy of a week and a half of work. Mr. MBA shows up on the site one night, just in time to watch my night guys walk off, watch the track guys shut down the machines and gather outside to smoke, hang out, and generally carouse, because they know they now have 3 hours to screw of

Important calculation due? Sorry, no WFH allowed I am currently in my malicious compliance phase at work right now. I got ripped a new one last week because I needed to work from home in order to get some urgent stuff done for a conference I needed to attend the following week. I was explicitly told that I could not work from home without approval. And I was told that I signed a policy about it. I responded that my job requires me to work from home all the time, to which they replied, "You signed the policy." So now, after I leave the office, I turn off my work issued cell phone and never look at it on the weekends. I am a salaried employee, but I am not going to beg my employer to allow me to work from home. This weekend I got a call on my personal cell from one of the other managers about approving some billing rates that were due. I told her that I wasn't allowed to work from home, and I will get to it on Monday whenever I have the opportunity. Everything will be late, but I signed the policy. It literally would have cost them nothing to just let me do my damn job. I already get paid a fixed rate. But if they want to play stupid games, they can win stupid prizes. EDIT: So a number of comments asking about why I would even bother to WFH after hours. Here is my take, my employer is not paying me to sit in an office for 40 hours a week. They're paying me to do a relatively specialized job. Sometimes I do 30 hours a week. Sometimes 40. Sometimes more. Whatever it takes to do the job. It has been extremely flexible for me in the past and has allowed me to balance family, work, and a few volunteer activities. This isn't really an anti work thing, more of an anti-this-particular-person on a power trip. UPDATE: Monday came and went and not a peep from anyone about the rates getting out. Fixed a couple of bugs, but I think the other manager edited the PDF reports to get them out the door. Also, the deadline for it was pushed back a week. So everyone survived, but I have made some changes. Change #1, I am no longer taking my work cell home with me. It is freeing and anxiety-inducing at the same time after doing so for so long. Change #2, I have informed any staff that may need to contact me that I won't be doing anything work related once I walk out of the office. Change #3, I am updating my resume today, it's time to leave. Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Wish you all the best! UPDATE 2: Received a new job offer. Waiting for the official offer letter before putting in my notice. Good luck to everyone out there in this struggle economy.

My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?” He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day... He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong. The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately." His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it." The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer." The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer. A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction. So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer." She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!" The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually." His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?" The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."

Just happened: 18yo daughter: "Dad, can I borrow your studfinder to bring to work tomorrow, we need to hang a shelf." Me: "Sure. But you'll have to check your mother's calendar to see if she's free." Blank stare. I stare back. Then she gets it. Epic eye roll. (Dad wins again with a classic).

If you won't ship to me because my drive is less than an hour, then I'll make it in an hour I work from home, for a company that makes software for mobile devices. Of course, a lot of the work I do requires having the physical devices. If I needed a specific one, I'd put in a request and they'd ship it to me. However, recently one of my requests to ship it was denied, and I was told I'd have to pick it up. Their reasoning? I live within an hour of the office, so I'm expected to come in to get them myself. The problem is, if you look up the drive on Google Maps, it does take under an hour, just barely - but only if you look it up at like 2 in the afternoon, or in the middle of the night when no one is driving. If you look it up during normal commuting time, it's never less than that. I'm writing this at 7 AM and it's at 1:15. In 30-45 minutes, it's gonna be even worse. I asked if I could just pay for shipping myself, since it would be cheaper for me to do than pay for gas and parking. Nope. Gotta come in. So now I come in. I take lunch, and then head in, at 1 in the afternoon. I get what I need and immediately leave. It takes me just under 2 hours total, and because I'm only running in for a few minutes, I can leave my car in front of the building and not have to buy parking. 2 hours that I would normally spend doing work, I am now spending in my car. For some reason, I'm now back on the approved list for shipping. EDIT: The vast majority of comments seem to be about mileage reimbursement. On paper I'm hybrid, not remote, and the pickup site is the office I'm based out of, so it's a normal commute. I've never been required to travel to another site.

Same penalty for being 6 minutes late as for being 3 hours late? Ok boss. I have always been the kind of person to arrive at work/events early. I hate the stress of running late, so I always allow more than enough travel time on my commute to avoid lateness. I always stopped for a coffee first thing on my morning commute to work. It was a half-hour drive to work on the highway, so I liked to sip my coffee and listen to tunes to relax before work. Even though it's only a half-hour commute, I would leave for work an hour before my start time just in case there were any unexpected delays. One particular day there's a massive jam on the highway. Now normally I get to work 20-30 minutes early because of the extra travel time. But this traffic jam was bad enough that it still made 6 minutes late for work. Supervisor starts giving me shit for coming in late but having a coffee, publicly calling me out in front of the other employees. "Hey everyone, look at Icy! His morning coffee is more important to him than respecting his coworkers!" No amount of "I bought the coffee before I knew there was a traffic jam" would get him to stop hassling me. He wrote me up for being late. Now, my company had a policy that less than 5 minutes late is ok, but 5+ minutes late means a potential write-up. Doesn't matter if it's 5 minute and 30 seconds or 2 hours late, the punishment was the same. However, supervisors were given leeway on this and were encouraged not to penalize people unless they were consistently late. I was almost never late, almost always early, but my supervisor decided to punish me anyway. So fast forward a couple of weeks, another delay, and looks like I'm going to arrive at work about 15 minutes late. So, knowing that I'm going to get written up no matter what, I pulled off the highway, found a nice little restaurant, and had a leisurely 2-hour breakfast. Showed up at work 2.5 hours late, and got the same write up I would have done if I had been 15 minutes late, but at least I also go to relax and eat bacon. I still showed up at work early 99% of the time, but every now and then there might be a delay that would mean I'd be 6 minutes late, or 10 or 15. Rather than take the penalty for a lousy couple of minutes, each time I'd extend the late time a couple of hours and have a nice, relaxing breakfast.

Boss took credit for my work, malicious compliance occurred A few years ago I was hired as a manager to create the contracts department of a tech start-up. My boss was on an opposite coast as me and we barely spoke. About a year in the company hired consultants to overhaul depts except for contracts because it was running so smoothly. I was truly proud of this. The company sent me on a paid trip to the Bahamas as a thank you.  After I got back from vacation I asked for a raise to director level. My boss said I just “wasn’t there.” I asked for a list of what I would need to do to be director. He sent me a list which was everything I was already doing and basically admitted that if I was director he would no longer be able to take credit for my work. Friends told me I needed to either leave or put up and shut up. Instead, I chose to kill with kindness. I wholeheartedly apologized to my manager for “overstepping,” and said that I am going to step back into the manager role. I printed out the manager responsibilities and posted them to my desk. Things went south quicker than I could have imagined. We started missing sales targets. Product said my boss agreed to a term in an agreement that would completely destroy their budget and product roll out. My boss didn't know commission agreements and let sales manipulate contracts so we were paying commission on contracts with termination clauses. I only interjected once to stop a contract amendment from being approved because my boss was unknowingly letting a VP artificially inflate sales numbers. The controller and CFO had to get involved. Eventually the CEO was called in. Stories started circulating about my boss holding stress balls and cursing in meetings. I was more relaxed than ever and during my new found free time at work I studied for and obtained professional certifications. I would also leave work early to get to the gym before it got busy. About a month after I unloaded my added responsibilities my boss gave me a 7% bonus. It was unspoken but I could tell he wanted me to take back on the director responsibilities without the title, but I continued to follow the manager description to a T. 6 months later, after taking 10 days of my unlimited PTO, I was included in layoffs. Took three months off and then got another job at a 35% salary increase. While I am happy to be making more money, I truly loved the company and people I worked with, and it's defeating to watch someone continually take credit for your work.

Blonde guy gets home from work... Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting. "Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!" He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him: "Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!" He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked. "WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again... Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"

Told me I couldn't get time off to go home for holidays, fine I quit. Several years in a row till they couldn't be bothered with the paperwork. Was reminded from a recent post. I worked part time throughout my studies (UK) on a zero hour contract at a club/pub/events venue. This was over a decade ago. They didn't let folk have both Christmas and new year's off, you had to work one of em. I joined and was made supervisor shortly after cause I had common sense and figures stuff out quickly. I went home for the holidays and when that time came the first year I just said I'd quit. And did, there was no issue with finding another almost minimum wage part time job. Reapplied in January as they were looking for staff. Rehired. Next holidays come around and I tell them the same thing. Same thing all over again. Next year, they just tell me please don't leave, just take whatever days off and we'll see you again next year. I'm also great friends to this day with my favourite GM from those days, though I went and got a job in my field.

“You’re Not Paid to Think”—Okay, So I Didn’t. A few years ago, I worked as a copywriter at a small PR agency run by a tyrant of a boss—let’s call her Marcy. She was all about control. One day during a strategy meeting, I pointed out a huge flaw in a campaign that could have cost our client major money. Her response? “You’re not paid to think, you’re paid to write what I tell you.” Cool. Got it. From that point on, I followed her instructions exactly. No suggestions, no edits, no heads-up when things were obviously going sideways. Just pure, flawless compliance. Within two months, two major clients left over tone-deaf campaigns—ones I had tried to fix but was explicitly told not to. Guess who got blamed? Me. Guess who kept receipts? Also me. I forwarded my “just doing what you told me” email chain to HR. Turns out, this wasn’t the first complaint. She was “restructured” out of the company three weeks later. Edit: Sorry for using a "-". Apparently that's a no no.

CEO's Assistant said it wasn't right I had a nicer chair than he did TL:DR at end. Very mild one. Bit wordy with a not particularly satisfying payoff. A while back my wife and I were buying our house after a few years of rental. There was a delay in the new house being ready, so we moved in with my mother for a few weeks. During that time I stashed some stuff at work, including bringing in my chair, a very nice Herman Miller Aeron I had gotten second hand. The office chairs were old. standard/serviceable but not exactly nice. After a few days. I noticed that my chair would be in the conference room every morning. No problem, I just wheeled it back to my desk. I was working 8 to 4 to avoid traffic so was usually in first The CEO (of about 120 people) would usually not arrive until about noon, and take later meetings when most of the staff were away. After a few days the chair kept ending up at his desk. (Open plan thankfully, so I just took it back every morning. i wasnt foolish enough to go into the CEOs office.. ). He'd shoot me a dirty look every morning but that was it. After a few more days of this back and forward, the CEOs assistant (who was a lovely person who I felt immense pity for) approached me and told me that the CEO didn't think it was appropriate that I had a nicer chair than him. People would think that my desk belonged to the CEO and it was stressing her out having to basically fight for it every day on his behalf. I told her I understood completely, and would stop fighting over it. I took it out of the office that lunch time, and reclaimed a normal office chair. The next day she came over and asked where the chair was. I said with an incredibly straight face that I thought since it wasnt appropriate I just took it to my car. She had a super stunned look, but just kind of ran off. Since I was almost always first in I always got parking near the building, pretty much everyone got to walk past my car on the way into the office and see my chair in the boot for a few more weeks, however given his cowardly nature I never got approached about it again To this day, I'm 100% certain they thought I was just going to give in and let him have my chair. Instead I got the joy of telling everyone the honest truth about why my chair was in my car for weeks TL:DR: CEO tried to steal my personal chair I had brought to office, citing that it wasn't right I had a better one than him. I agreed, but rather than give him my chair I kept it in the car outside the office for weeks and told everyone why. Edit: added TL:DR Edit 2: moved TL:DR to end. people are being weird about it. Edit 3: to answer the most common questions. I asked HR before bringing my stuff in. They knew, my team lead knew, everyone who said "hey, what's with the chair" knew. Did the CEO actually know? I did not directly inform the CEO, because I never talked to him more than 3 times when I worked there, so it would have been weird. Yes, I could have labelled my stuff, but it didn't seem necessary for ~8 weeks.

Deny my expenses? Fine you can pay more than triple! This is a quick and dirty one... I'm based in the UK and often have to travel for work via Train to our head office. I typically get public transport to the train station, I live in walking distance to local connections and just pay the nominal amount for public transport tickets myself. One particular journey, shortly after moving house, I decided to drive to the station and leave the car there - I needed to get back for an appointment when my return train got in and wanted the car there to make it on time. Like a good little employee, I submitted my expenses including the car park receipt (£20) which cost significantly more than the usual public transport ticket. Eagerly awaiting re-imbursement, I was disappointed to get an email advising 'as per Travel & Expense policy' I was unable to claim driving related expense without completing a specific 'Driving for work' attestation and supplying updated Car Insurance proving my car was insured (by me, at cost to me personally) for driving for work (NOT commuting, which essentially this was). Fine, I thought.. you know what, you keep that £20, but if we're going to force compliance with the Travel & Expense policy two can play that game. Suddenly, all the 2 hour 52 minute trains were inconvenient, and I had to book different slightly longer 3 hour 4 minute trains... Making them, under the Travel & Expense policy, eligible for First Class travel. Oh, and as my journey time is longer than 3 hours, as per Travel & Expense policy, I'm now eligible for overnight stays... Which of course mean that I can submit expenses for meals as I'm away from home in a hotel for my evening meal (as per the Travel & Expense policy). And then, of course, reasonable travel expenses (as detailed in the Travel & Expense policy) also cover taxis for unsociable hours... So unfortunately that 6:00am bus ride is now a 6:30 Uber, and that late night 10:00pm bus ride when I get home is now also a nice, comfortable Uber. Costing around £40 (or 10 x what I paid myself for public transport tickets). I think I've more than tripled the cost of my having to travel to head office on each trip, purely out of spite over £20, by maliciously complying with the good ol' (yep, you guessed it) Travel & Expense Policy.

Remove unapproved leave from the system I think it's safe to post this now as the relevant company no longer exists. A few years ago my job was on a 8 year contract that was nearing its end. I was looking at redundancy and rather than apply for another job I worked out I was financially better off waiting for HRs axe to fall and take the payoff. My boss however made other plans, started taking time off and then left. Admin tasks were being ignored and gradually the offices were becoming empty as people left. I had a lot of annual leave entitlement banked and decided to book a holiday as redundancy was likely still months away and I used the HR system to book 2 weeks. I informed anyone who would listen, put in the calendar etc. of course as my boss was now absent, nobody actually approved my leave in the system. I enjoyed my time off and came back to work and all was ok. As we approached the final weeks of the contract I had to tidy up loose ends and asked HR about final payments including any unused holiday entitlement. What I got back was a snide dig about how I hadn't properly managed my account as I had unapproved leave requests open that needed to be closed. This was the request for the leave I'd already taken... So I did what I was told and cancelled the request, adding another 10 days back into my banked leave allowance, which the HR dept then had to pay me for during redundancy. Thank you very much for the time off and the extra cash.

A ten minute favor vs thousand euro bill Once, at a company where I worked as an architect, I used the company laptop’s Photoshop to make my daughter’s birthday invitation. It took maybe ten minutes. My boss saw it in the recent files while we were reviewing a project together and told me the computer was for work only. I just said “Ok”, because… well, what else was I going to say. That same week I traveled to another city to survey a building. I did everything with the tape measure and laser the company provided. When I got back, he asked if I had already downloaded the photos, because he wanted to see the inside of the building. I told him I hadn’t taken any photos, since my phone was personal. He was furious on the inside, but couldn’t show it, because months earlier I had asked the company for a work phone and they had refused. The next day, a brand new Samsung appeared on my desk. And off I went again to the same city, to take the photos, with the company paying for flights, hotel, and all the doubled expenses.

You think I'm fudging my hours? You're right. Here's my real hours... I started working for a non profit in 2019 after being a volunteer member since 2000. It was supposed to be temporary for 3 months or so, but the non profit dragged their feet hiring a permanent replacement. I'm fairly well off (not filthy rich, but debt free and comfortable) and didn't need the money, so I never billed for my hours after working 15 months full time. It was supposed to be $25/hr (CAD currency) but I was willing to work for free if they just found a replacement in a reasonable time. They were pressuring me for an invoice, so I finally invoice them for 40hrs/week for 15 months and it was about high $60k. They were livid for a variety of reasons I didn't understand. They accused me of lying about my hours because I was a new father and my wife had gone back to work after maternity leave, and there's no way I could've worked that much. When I told them I had my son in daycare instead of staying at home with him, they sarcastically said "now you know what it's like to work an actual job like the rest of us." They were mad that I wasn't volunteering my time anymore like I used to, but I insisted I was and that my billed time was only for the TV bingo fundraiser and not for any other non profit activities. They didn't believe me. I tried to tell them my hours were actually more than I billed for, and my hourly rate is greatly reduced compared to what I normally charge for all the work I was doing (IT, e-commerce, Web design, marketing, HR, operations, bookkeeping, TV production, etc) but they said they didn't care about the rate reduction. They insisted that I charge my normal rates for my actual hours, and then deduct 10 hours a week for volunteering, which is about ten times more hours than any of them volunteer for. Ok, bet. I started charging them $40 to $125 per hour depending on the task. I recorded all my tasks and hours in great detail. I charged for any time I spent doing what was normally volunteer work for the non profit. Then I finally deducted 10 hours a week. I was billing an average of 50 hours a week after the volunteer hours were deducted. I also took the opportunity to start hiring more people under me on their dime so I could work way less than I did in the first 15 months but still get paid the same if not more. They couldn't say anything because it was exactly what they asked for. I was billing $1k/week before malicious compliance, and then about $3k/week after malicious compliance, which I started trimming back down closer to $1k/week after cutting my own hours. These guys kept doubling down and accusing me of incompetence and fraud over the next year and a half that I continued working, but I didn't care anymore. They turned my passion into a crappy job that I didn't need, so I stayed until all my amazing employees were hopefully setup for success and wrote that non profit out of my life for good. I didn't feel any guilt over being paid for my time with them because I had raised more money for them in 30 months ($30 million gross, about $20 million net) than they had raised in the 100 years before then.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed. They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports . They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES...

Take the chairs away from our work area? We're gonna fuck this place up. I work for a major US airline, for a long time and at several different airports. There's an area behind the baggage counter where the bags get sorted for their respective flights after they've been checked, we're on our feet most of the time but we each have chairs at our work stations so we can sit and rest for a minute when there's a lull in bags coming down. Every few years there'll be a hot shit new manager who's gonna turn this airport around and make it the best performing one in the system and they all seem to have the same idea; take away the chairs so the agents are always standing at the belt. Now, the agents in this area are generally on the senior side as it's indoors and out of the elements, we've done the job for a while, we know how to do the job efficiently and we really do do our best to avoid fuck ups but as long as human error is a factor there will always be some. Taking our chairs does nothing but piss us off. Their bullshit excuse usually is framing it as a saftey issue, a tripping hazard. So that's where *we start*...smaller or oddly shaped bags get sent down in a plastic tub so they don't jam the belt, maybe you've seen them. We take them off the belt and stack them up on the ground for someone to come by and collect. Not anymore, we let them pile up on the belt making it a giant pain in the ass for the poor bastard collecting them, they're bitching constantly to the manager, we say sorry boss, they're a tripping hazard on the ground. Next, we start following the rules...our employee handbook lays out very clearly what the company's expectations for us our in our job duties. We're only expected to pull *one bag per minute* and take bags out no later than *20 minutes before the flight departs*. Maybe you've guessed already but those expectations are **nowhere** near good enough to actually complete these tasks so by the company's own rules we were already going well beyond what was expected of us. We start giving them the bare minimum, one bag per minute, 20 minutes prior. Manager was pissed, he and the supervisors were throwing bags and us being unionized we documented and grieved every single time it happened and the company a few days later had to pay out several thousand to agents for covered work. Delays across the board, 1500 bags missed that day. The next morning the chairs were back in their spots and we continued as normal and afterwards no one would give that manager the time of day. **A lot of passengers got fucked over that day but we were working exactly to the rules our company had given us so you can blame the airline and not the agents**. The handbook was changed after a while but only extending it to 35 minutes prior instead of 20, it's still one bag per minute last I looked. I was lucky enough to be apart of three of these events over the years but this was the most satisfying.

I brought the company to a standstill to make a point I worked in the engineering department of a smaller manufacturing company (around 70-80 employees). My responsibility among other things was to handle any design changes; edit part and assembly drawings, bills of materials, etc. Previously this was all handled by putting together a packet of actual paper documents that had to be shuffled from engineering to manufacturing, sometimes ping ponging back and forth if we were doing something complicated that required input from various people within those departments. Eventually the company started to implement a software-driven procedure that was supposed to eliminate the stacks of paper that would sometimes get lost on someone's desk. The problem was that our bare bones staff didn't really have time to learn all of the ins and outs of the software, and refine the process to be truly efficient. Basically it was left so that if an item was entered into an engineering change order, it was locked down so that no one could build one, but also a customer couldn't even order one, or any machine that this item happened to be a component of until the change process was completed. Sometimes this could take weeks. I tried explaining several times that if we ever had to work on some item that is used in several of our products, this would bring everything to a screeching halt. My manager at the time understood this but could never get all of the people who needed to work on the software procedure to sit down and finalize everything. One day I was tasked with changing the design of a hardware component that was used in EVERY machine we built. I told my manager that as soon as I started the process, no one in sales would be able to enter an order for any customers until the process would be completed. He shrugged and said "do it", knowing that I was right. Within 30 minutes of getting started, a salesman came to my desk asking why he couldn't enter an order. I explained what was happening. He left, and soon after the VP of the company was at my desk asking what needed to be done. So I told him he needed to corral everyone needed to hash out how the software was supposed to work properly instead of the half-assed "just lock everything down" deal they left off with. He immediately called in whoever was on that list. It took a few days as I recall, and the component in question was expedited to be approved within the week. To this day I use this story in interviews whenever I'm asked one of those questions, like "Give me an instance where you had to solve a major problem in the workplace".

You want me to participate in Sunday School? Enjoy my extensive knowledge of your holy book. So my relatives and parents are very firmly a part of this cult, it’s mostly in the states but it does have some worldly presence. Not gonna say which one it is cause I don’t want my parents to find this post. I left the cult about two years ago now, after they refused to acknowledge that I had several medical problems and the religion believes that people can become like Jesus and heal their own bodies. Wack, right? And I’m not talking about a little scratch or a cold. I’m talking about cancers, contagious diseases like measles, polio, whooping cough, broken bones, psychological disorders. It’s really crazy. But whenever I come back they always make me go to Sunday school to ‘show respect for the family’. Bullshit, it’s cause they want to convert me back and whenever someone from the cult finds out someone has left they make it their personal mission to bring them back. So this past Sunday I didn’t have work and my dad told me I had to go to church with the family. He said I’m still able to go to Sunday school since I’m just in university. We arrive to the church, I’m super dressed up. Like very fancy looking. The women when I come in are very pleased (they know I’ve left) and are like “wow it’s so nice to see you back! Hope you come more often now we’ve missed you.” I go down to my Sunday school class and it’s a bunch of uni kids and an older woman, strict looking teacher. Perfect. She sits me down and starts talking about the Bible and what’s wrong and right. Cue malicious compliance. I took two years of intensive Bible classes, I’ve translated from Hebrew and Greek, I’ve actually read the whole Bible cover to cover. Some ‘points’ were made. Teacher: “And so God said that we most never lie in bed with another of the same sex.” Me: “And where does it say that ma’am?” Teacher: “Well in this verse here” *shows* Me: “That was actually mistranslated from Hebrew. It actually says man shall not lie with boy.” Teacher: *frustrated* “No that’s not true. And besides, there’s this verse here which says homosexual sex is wrong.” *shows other verse* Me: “So…by that logic, wouldn’t that mean that anyone, male on male, female on male, or female on female, who was having oral or anal sex would be gay?” Teacher: *horrified* The whole class went on like this. I refuted claims about the killing of children, the uselessness of prostitutes, about immigration, and so on. After church, my dad was pulled aside by the teacher and when he came back he sighed and shook his head and said “Fine. You don’t have to come anymore.” I replied with “is she not impressed with my thorough knowledge of the Bible?”

If you could get rid of one race which one would it be and why? I would get rid of the marathon. Running 26.2 miles is just crazy! EDIT: thank you for the 100 upvotes! I’m telling my gf I’m famous! 2nd EDIT: I work the night shift at my job and I just woke up to fricken 5.8k arrows pointing up!? This is awesome!! 3rd EDIT: request for a third edit, currently it’s 13:41 (central time) And I’m drinking coffee reading the comments. There’s a lot of people that thinks this is a f1 and or nascar question. 4th EDIT: the celebrity status is overwhelming me. People are stopping me on the streets asking for my autograph and selfies. About to go in for work now. I had to hire a bodyguard to follow me around. Thank you all. This is a blessing and a curse at the same time. If I don’t have a 5th edit later that means a crazy fan has held me captive. 5th EDIT: made it to work safe thank god. Elon musk himself sent me a tweet congratulating me on my accomplishments on Reddit the last 18 hours since this post, also told me to buy a doggy coin or something… anyway I find myself checking my phone every minute reading new comments. The popularity has consumed my mind. I cannot get any work done and the manager on duty is getting upset with me but then I remember I am the manager on duty for the night shift so I’m ok. I’m slowly going crazy for the need for more of those red, pointing up arrow thingys. It’s destroying me.

Access Removed - Here’s allllll my work I work in a role where I ‘own’ a portion of the software. I don’t work in IT but I do system configuration for the portion I manage. I had admin access until one day IT removed it without warning and without notice. They claimed ‘risk’ and ‘board decisions’ Of course I could rampage and get my access back because it saves the company a significant amount of money each year as we don’t need to use external contractors. There’s also no one else in the company that knows my part of the system or how to create business rules, scripting and coding for this particular system. While people know JavaScript they would need to become familiar with the system which will take time. Instead- fine; sends a list of alllll the things they now need to take over so the work still gets done. Noted there can be no delays in turnaround time despite there being an extra step. Noted that I will still need to approve every change and configuration. The list totalled to approximately 30 hours per week. It also requires 6am starts at points through the month. I made sure to also confirm they would also be required to come with me for all meetings regarding the system or data because I won’t be repeating myself or duplicating my effort. Within 30 minutes the decision was reversed and I had my access back. I don’t think that’ll be changing back any time soon. Not when we work under separate budgets and their team always cry time and cost poor

"If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." OK then. *I first wrote this four years ago for this sub, when a lot of you enjoyed it. I've re-written and updated/expanded it and corrected some mistakes. Enjoy. This took place around December 1992-January 1993.* I got a job as a security guard after leaving the Army, because I wasn't qualified to do much else, and I hadn't decided if I was going to college yet or not. The company refused to pay very much so they had high turnover. Because of the turnover, they had small raises built in at 90 days, six months and a year as an incentive to stay on. I needed a job, and until I had my shit together, this would do. So I showed up and worked. My one year anniversary rolls around and I don't see my 50 cents an hour raise in my paycheck, but something more like 35 cents. So I called the boss. My three and sixth month raises had been delivered with no issues, so I was surprised my one year anniversary hadn't shown up. Supposedly they wanted to give all employees a raise, so they did. And yes, I got a small raise, along with all the other guards - a few hundred of us. It was something like 35 cents an hour for each of us. Ok, fine, but what about my promised 50 cents an hour? As far as I was concerned, this 35 cents an hour was something you initiated, after promising me more, so this is bonus. When I called the manager, I was told I wasn't going to get a raise for my one year raise because, "You just got a raise. No one gets two raises at once. If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." In other words, they were trying to claim a 35 cent an hour raise for every employee somehow was over-riding the fact that I was owed an additional 50 cent an hour longevity raise. I'm sure there were others caught up like that. Fine. They want to give me 35 cents an hour of a raise and tell me that is equal to the 85 cents an hour? I'll find something better. I spent the next week calling in sick and showing up late while job hunting. Called the office at the end of my last day, and told them I was done and they could find someone else, giving them no notice at all. Panic mode ensued. Everyone else was at 40 hours for the week and they hated paying overtime. One of the salaried managers had to cover for me. They told me to quit, so I did. I'm a teacher now, near retirement. My raises are still shit. But at least I can (barely) live off of it and I have a (shitty) union for now, which is more than I had then. A few more cents an hour and they could have kept me as a wage slave. Crazy that I would even consider it now, looking back on it. At least I enjoy my job today, as crazy as the kids are.

Don’t want me start before 8:00? Fine. Years ago I worked for this complete psycho at a semi public service type place. Moody, arrogant (my first week there, she must have mentioned having a PhD/doctorate/I’m a doctor *at least* half a dozen times), and the biggest goddam snob I’ve ever met. We had flexible work hours, spread of hours between 7:00 am & 6:00 pm, signing on in 15 minute increments. If I had a really good run in traffic, sometimes I’d get there in time to sign on at 7:30 or 7:45. Well, psycho Dr didn’t like that, and said I couldn’t start before 8:00, despite everyone else in the office being allowed to. I explained that sometimes if the traffic was good I got in earlier than that, but she wouldn’t have it. Told me if I got in early, I could read through my work emails but I couldn’t sign on before 8:00, so basically she expected me to give 15-30 minutes free labor. Yeah, nah, screw that. So if I got in early, and the weather was nice, I’d sit outside, or if it wasn’t, I’d sit at my desk and read. My Kindle. Or play on my phone. And didn’t switch my computer on until bang on 8:00. Her boss came by early one morning wanting to collect something she’d left in the office for him, and of course the office wasn’t open and she demanded to know where I was. I reminded her that I wasn’t allowed to start before 8:00, which I could tell royally pissed her off, but there was nothing she could do about as I had the email trail to back me up. Small potatoes in terms of malicious compliance, but it made me feel good.

Want me to clean up users on the portal? Done, you’re deleted. I work in IT for a big company and manage a portal that a small group of people use daily. Manager wanted me to go through the list of users and remove anyone who didn’t need access. Simple request, I reduced the list from 100 to 30 people. Everyone’s happy. Couple weeks later, manager is complaining that 30 users is too much and wanted me to create a list of all their names, what team they are a part of, who they report to, and how often they need access to this portal. Annoying request but sure I got it done. He goes through the list and gets mad when he sees names he doesn’t recognize even though our company has a couple thousand employees… So he tells me to delete all users who’s name he doesn’t recognize… Stupid request but ok done. We are a global company so immediately over night I’m getting bombarded with emails that systems are down and no one has access to log into the system and fix it. My phones going off but fuck it I don’t get paid to work at 3am. Next morning my manager somehow gets mad at me for deleting the users he told me to delete and tells me to add them back??? No shit Sherlock. Couple weeks later he AGAIN brings up that he’s not happy, and the system is not secure, too many users have access, blah blah blah…. Like BRO how bored are you? He wanted me to review the list of users with him AGAIN. 27 of the users use this system daily. There are only 3 users (himself and 2 other people) that are high up management that don’t use the system at all but are there for political reasons. He starts yelling at me telling me to delete anyone who doesn’t use the portal daily as part of their core job and anyone new who wants access must fill out a form and explain why they need it. Ok, fine, fuck it, done. Couple weeks pass by and he goes… Manager: Hey, I think somethings wrong with the system, I can’t log in anymore. Me: Nope it’s working just fine. Manager: Then why can’t I log in? Me: I removed all users who don’t use it daily as part of their core job. (Quoted my manager from weeks ago word for word). Manager: Add me back. Me: *Slides him the form he created.* Manager: >:0 Me: :) It’s been weeks and he still hasn’t filled out the form and I still haven’t added him back. We are somehow on good terms now!

Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown? They are key workers

"I'm TELLING YOU that freezer has been fixed, put everything back in it" So this happened when I was about 16 and working at a TCBY. I was about to get off work when the store manager told me to take all of the display ice cream cakes and put them into the back freezer because the front freezer wasn't working. She then left for the day. About an hour after I did this, the store owner walks in yelling "why are all the display cakes not in the front freezer???? We just had it fixed!" I told him that I literally just got done taking them out and putting them in the back per the manager's request. Some back and forth went on until I just shrugged and put all the cakes back into the broken front freezer and left. All the cakes melted and I was fired. Oh well lol

Manager insisted we do timesheets after hours At our work, time sheets have to be filled in every fortnight on a Friday, by close of business, to be processed first thing Monday morning. Our manager was a really chill woman who would sign off on timesheets Friday morning, and then send them to payroll before 5pm. She went on leave because her daughter was having a baby, and we got some young dude to temporarily fill in as manager. This guy was a total d-bag. One of the things he did was insist we complete time sheets only AFTER we’d worked our fortnightly hours. This meant we had to work until 5, then get our timesheets signed, and then get them to payroll. Except payroll closes at 5. Which meant we couldn’t get our timesheets to payroll until Monday morning, and they’d be processed late. So we decided we’d take our time filling in timesheets, a lot of us hang around chatting on a Friday because there’s a bar across the road that does cheap drinks 6-7pm. So we’d leisurely do our timesheets, and dbag manager would have to hang around to sign them all. One week we didn’t give them to him until right before 6pm. He was PISSED. This lasted about 6 weeks. I guess something got flagged somewhere that our whole department wasn’t getting paid on time. Dbag manager was quickly identified as the culprit and given the boot. They ended up getting one of my coworkers to take over until our real manager came back.

“Stuck to the script” so I did. Word for word. I (18F) worked at a call center for about 3 months, mostly helping people reset passwords and answer basic questions. During training, the told us to “sound natural and conversational.“ Cool. I did that and got great feedback from callers. Then we got a new supervisor who flipped if we didn’t read the script exactly as written. She said, “If you deviate even slightly, you’ll be written up.” Okay. Next call, a guy says, “Hey, my account’s locked, can you help me real quick?” I respond (robot mode): “Hello, thank you for calling. My name is [NAME], and I hope you’re having a wonderful day. How may I assist you with you technical concern today?” He paused and said, “…Are you serious?” I kept going exactly word for word. Even even the weird fake empathy lines like, “I completely understand how frustrating this unique situation must feel.” Mid call, my supervisor walked by, and actually stopped to listen. She tilted her head, looked confused, and asked after the call, “Why were you talking like that?” I just said, “You told me to stick to the script.” She didn’t have a comeback. And funnily enough, the next day, she told our team: “Okay, just make sure you cover the key points. You can be natural again.”

Stepdaughter pun that I never thought I'd hear. Brief background: stepdaughter is 20 years old and has always hated when I make puns/dadjokes So my step daughter just came downstairs heading out for work and just as she's walking out the door I noticed she has only one shoe on. Me: "Hey! You know you only have one shoe on, right? Her: "yeah, the other one is in my car" Me (visibly confused): "uh...ok" Her: "you might say I'm a step ahead" The door shuts, my jaw dropped. I run to the door, open it, "Was that a pun? did you just make a dad joke?!" She replies only with a smirk. I'm so proud.

Getting Married in Heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo... ...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw... He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

If I don't like it, tell it to the news? I guess we're going to the news then (video evidence) My mother was a truly inspiring woman. Her favorite phrase was "why say bleed when you can say hemorrhage" because she never did anything halfway when she knew she could go all the way. We couldn't even ask for help with homework because you'd be up till 3 am on a school night, adding one more thing. Then you'd go to school with this magnum opus while everyone around you phoned it in and still got an A. She would rarely get angry, but if you activated her righteous indignation, the repercussions would be legendary. There was one such story of malicious compliance that she always loved to tell, and I just found the receipts, so I wanted to share it with everyone. It all started one day when I found a dagger in my brother's room. It was an ornate sort of fantasy-style dagger. Not something you would find just anywhere, and it was very sharp. We were not old enough to have something like that at the time; he was only 11. Immediately, my mother walked up behind me and caught me red-handed, so I did what any self-respecting little brother would do and threw him under the bus. My brother wasn't at home at the time, so she went through everything and found more of these knives. She laid them out on the table, and she was psyching herself up for the hell she was going to bring down upon him. By the time my brother gets home, he walks in and sees her sitting there with the knives out. He goes white as a sheet. She immediately asks where he got them. This was the late 90s, and my brother was pretty into Magic: The Gathering. The card shop he went to for his fix was just down the street. He spent a great deal of time there and bought boxes and boxes of these cards from them, so they knew him and knew he was too young. They had sold it to him, knowing full well that he was underage, no questions asked. My mother's jaw dropped, and moments later, we were pulling up to the place. She drags my brother into the store and puts the knives down in front of the woman who owns the place. She tells her that they had sold it to him. "Yeah, so what?" "He is not 18, and he shouldn't have access to these. You need to tell your employees to check IDs before they sell weapons to minors." She was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before she snapped back with "It's a joke, it's humor, don't you get it?" ahhh so the problem is you. "I am his mother, and I don't think it is funny. If you won't follow the law at the very least, I need you to stop selling weapons to my son." "I'll do whatever I want! If you don't like it, TELL THE NEWS!" Surely this woman doesn't know who she is talking to, or the lengths that my mom was willing to go for her kids. I don't know why on earth that would be the phrase you'd use. Now you are just asking for it. Mom gives her one last chance before the hammer drops. "So you are saying that even without my permission, having asked you not to personally, and knowing it is illegal, you would still sell a knife to him?" "Of course, this is a business; maybe raise him better if you don't like what he is doing." It was like the air left the room. There were 3 of us boys in Elementary, Middle school, and High School around the time. She was president of all 3 PTAs for 3 different schools miles apart from each other. She was practically moming as a sport and crushing it by every conceivable standard. This woman had just slighted her to her core, and now had to deal with the consequences of her ignorance. My mom didn't say another word. She gathered the knives, and we walked out. Even the woman behind the desk looked a little shocked that she was just walking out. So was I. We all went back to the car, and no one said a word. Then you could almost visibly see the resolve set in, and she says, "I guess we are going to the news then." I don't remember her saying another word the rest of the night. The next day, I woke up and she had papers all around her that she had downloaded and printed off, and highlighted. She was on the phone explaining the story to a news station who'd just opened and responding to emails she'd sent overnight. I don't think she slept. She had been up researching the laws and building her case. The first reporters she talked to didn't seem to see what she saw in the story, and told her they wouldn't pick it up. Every time she was told no, she would ask for references to someone who would do something like this. It took weeks of phone tag. She called the next reporter, then another, then another, leaving messages and following up. Finally, she found an investigative reporter who would work with her. They decided that the best course of action was to put a hidden camera on my brother to send him undercover to buy something larger. Believe me, I am well aware of how outlandish that sounds. They met up down the street and gave my brother some money to buy the biggest weapon he could get. I see