100+ Lawyer Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

The Queen's breasts Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100." An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!” Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Punishing me for underperforming for 1 day in 2 years? No problem. Hello everyone, I will try to be concise. **BACKROUND** I work at a company where I handle mid to high level complaints to managers, PR and legal. My daily requirement is 40 cases handled per day, there are some of my team colleagues that struggle with this, but I don't, and I don't feel lazy to stop at 40, so I have handled 50-55 basically every day for the past two years. There is no bonus (or even recognition) for this, I just did it because I felt a friendly obligation to the company. Complaints can be a 5 minute resolution, or a 2 hour zoom call with our New York lawyers, it's a gamble really. **THE EVENT** Recently I had a day where I felt a bit sick and at the same time, had bad luck of getting only very hard cases that required more time, so I had 39 cases (1 under the requirement). I thought nothing of it, as my weekly average way off the charts, 50+ as usual. The very next day I felt better and went back to my usual high numbers. Come Monday, I had a "emergency 1-on-1" with my manager where I was informed that I had to attend a 3 day workshop/seminar on how to best meet requirements, because I "underperformed last week." My jaw dropped, and I asked don't they count the weekly, monthly, yearly numbers, to which I was told that the "daily requirement is 40, and this is standard practice, nothing we can do." Basically it was a workshop for underperformers who had 20-30 out of 40 cases daily, it was nothing hard, but I did need to drive there for 3 days after work and listen to HR guys giving bad advice (as they never actually handled the cases in real life) and I had to talk about what will I do to improve my numbers and "reach the 40", as they nonsense HR talk calls it. This made me lose hours and hours of my free time and I was livid. After it was over, I had a long think and I decided that I will do exactly that. I will "reach the 40" and that's it. **THE AFTERMATH** For the past few months, I go into work, I handle 40 cases, my daily requirement, and then I do NOTHING for the rest of my shift. I have had multiple 1-on-1's with my manager during this time, and I am constantly asked: "is something wrong", to which I naively reply "no, am in trouble, am I underperforming?" and then of course they say that I am 100% within daily requirements and that way I shut the conversation down. This is real life, so I can't really say a clever comeback or something like that, but I do keep "playing the fool" that has no idea what is wrong now, but I find satisfaction in knowing that they got used to my overachieving and are now suffering for the lack of it. Before Easter, they put up an internal ad for promoting another 2 managers, so my guess is how that is the number of people they will now need to pay extra, just because they lost me as an overachiever, and they lost me for no reason other than their own stupidity. Thank you all, I hope I did not bore you.

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane.. A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts. The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?” Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50 The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?” Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Getting Married in Heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

This was Actually Said.. This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript: Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

An engineer goes to hell... An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up... A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

A Chinese doctor moved to the U.S. and couldn't find a job at a hospital. So he opened a small clinic and put up a bold sign that read: “Cure for any disease for $20 — If you’re not cured, get $100 back!” One day, a clever American lawyer saw the sign. “This looks like a scam,” he thought, “but maybe I can make a quick $100!” He walked in, feeling confident. Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.” Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops in his mouth.” Lawyer: “Ugh! That’s kerosene!” Doctor: “Perfect! Your taste is back. That’ll be $20.” A few days later, the lawyer came back. Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.” Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops.” Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!” Doctor: “Wonderful! Your memory is restored. That’s $20.” Still determined, the lawyer tried one last time. Lawyer: “Doctor, my eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!” Doctor: “Ah, sorry — no cure for that. Here’s your $100.” The doctor handed him… $20. Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute — this is only $20!” Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is back. That’ll be $20.”

The Lawyer's Car A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

10 husbands, still a virgin. A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

A famous lawyer dies and goes to heaven. A famous lawyer is hit by a bus and dies. He opens his eyes to find himself standing before the Pearly Gates. There are THOUSANDS of people cheering. There are streamers and a huge banner that says "WELCOME, FRANK!" There's a band of angels playing upbeat music. Jesus and Saint Peter are waiting, and run up to shake his hand. A little shell-shocked from his recent death and the hubbub, Frank looks at Peter and says, "Why am I getting such an amazing reception? Is it always like this?!" Peter exclaims, "No, not at all! You're just the oldest person we've ever welcomed in to Heaven!" Frank blinks and says, "Nobody over 53 has ever entered heaven?" St. Peter and Jesus look at each other for a moment, confused. Peter looks back at Peter pulls out a scroll and starts skimming it. "Wait a moment," he says. "Fifty-three? Our records say you're two hundred and six!" Frank is puzzled and asks, "How do you figure that?" "Well," St. Peter replies, "We couldn't find your date of birth in the records, so we just totalled all your billable hours."

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic... As it’s going down the doctor shouts “We need to get the children to the lifeboats!” The lawyer, thinking more for his own hide shouts “No! Fuck the kids!” The priest says “Guys we don’t have time for both!”

HR training leads to me getting paid extra. Another post reminded me of this story, and I thought I'd share. I work for a major grocery chain. For the most part they're locked in on following labor laws properly, but every once in a while they don't know what they're talking about. Before this job, I had been GM of a high volume brewpub and before that I was GM of a 14 screen cinema, so I also know labor laws pretty well, as both my previous jobs were drowning in employee relations. A while back we had a mandatory training for leadership about proper call-out procedures for our teams. In the training our regional HR asked all the department managers, "What do you do if they text you?" I said, "Ignore the text." HR said, "no, you need to tell them to call out on our call-out line. Let them know they need to leave their name, employee ID, and their shift." I said, "do I have to?" HR: "Yes" Me: "okay, but would you email us this information after the class?" They did. About three months later I had a new employee somehow get my phone number (which bothered me, but that's another story) and text me that they couldn't make it in the next day. I text back. "Call the call-out line. Leave your name, employee ID, and shift." The next day when I was at work I put in a timekeeper request for an hour of labor. This also happened on a Wednesday in a week where Wednesday was my only day off. Where I live, if you work even a single minute off the clock, the company is obligated to pay you for that hour. In addition, because I was scheduled 6 days already, that counted as another day of work. So my entire Sunday shift was time and a half as it was seven days in a row during the full Mon-Sun work week. About a week later I was called into HR to discuss what they claimed was me abusing the system and they wanted to write me up for it because that one text message resulted in $200 of extra money on my paycheck ($40/hr wage, so 8 hours at time and a half is $160 plus the $40 on Wednesday.) I let them know they were the ones who told me to work on my time off and that of they wanted to punish me for it they could see me in court and they'd pay a hell of a lot more. I then reminded them of the email they sent telling us in detail what we were to do if an employee texted us to call out. I told them that I value my work life balance, and even a minute of work is still work, and I expect to be paid for each moment of work i do. They said, "okay, I'll have to call the director of HR and discuss this. But we will get back to you." They never got back to me. But my paycheck was straight for the period and a week later they sent out a followup email telling leadership to let their teams know they weren't to text the managers off the clock, and that if an issue arise they could call the store and the store could decide if it was important enough to contact us on our days off. My time is my time, and I'm getting paid for it. Thankfully, for them at least, they never tried to retaliate over it. Sad for me as I wasn't bluffing when I said I'm not afraid to talk to a lawyer... would've been a good payout.

A guy walks into a bar... ...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud "THUD," he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought. Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying "Thud." "Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly. "No," said the priest. "But I got him with the door."

A guy finds an old lamp and rubs it. Of course a genie appears and grants the guy three wishes. The guy says, "I'm going through a divorce and every lawyer involved is a psychopathic thief. I want all lawyers on the face of the earth to be wiped out." The genie says, "That's awfully extreme. Are you sure?" The guy says, "Absolutely. They are all crooked liars, and the world will be better off without them." The genie snaps his fingers, and says, "Okay, it's done. There are no more lawyers. And that's your last wish." The guy says, "Wait. You told me I have three wishes." And the genie says, "So sue me."

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!" The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

When he came home early and saw his wife in bed with another man, he grabbed his shotgun and emptied both barrels into them. A few days later, his lawyer said, “Forensics have just confirmed you shot one of the city’s most prolific rapists.”

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. An angel shows him to his apartment and gives him the keys to his Vespa. He's having a wonderful time in heaven until one day, at a stoplight, he looks over and there is a Ferrari. "Wow" he says to the man driving it, "nice car." "Yeah!" the man in the Ferrari says, "isn't heaven great? First day I arrived they showed me to my villa and gave me the keys to the car of my dreams." "Huh", says the Pope, "what...uh what did you do on earth?" "I was a lawyer," the man says. "Like, a lawyer for orphans or the environment or something?" Suggests the Pope. "Nope. Just an ordinary lawyer. I did wills and divorces, and small business stuff." Just then the light changes and the lawyer speeds off in his Ferrari. This rankles the Pope, and after a few days he goes to St. Peter to complain. "I was a pious man. I served God my entire life. I was the Pope for crying out loud. How is it that I'm living in an apartment driving a moped and there's this Joe Schmoe lawyer and **he** gets a villa and a Ferrari?" "Look," explains St. Peter, "up here Popes are a dime a dozen, we've only got the one lawyer."

Three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement, but each is allowed to take one luxury with them to their cells. The first man asks for as many law books as will fit in his cell. The second man asks for every medical book that has been published within the past five years. The third man asks for 300 packs of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, the three men are released from prison. As the first man's door opens, he comes out and says, “I studied so hard, I can now become as a lawyer!” When the second man's door opens, he comes out and says, “After all the learning, I can now become a doctor!” Finally, the door to the third man's cell opens. He comes out and says, “Anybody got a match?” ----- EDIT: I accidentally made the first man come out twice.

Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer. They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift. Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks." "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."  "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

What did he say? A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

The deaf Italian Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

A greedy old business man was dying, so he called his priest, his lawyer, and his accountant to his bedside. “They say you can’t take it with you, but I am certainly going to try” wheezed the business man. “When I die I want each of you to take one third of my money and throw it into my grave as they are burying me!” The three started to protest, but the business man stated “It’s my money and I will do what I want with it!” The three reluctantly agree.  A few days later the man dies. At his funeral the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant do as directed and each throw in a bag of money into the grave just as the coffin is being buried.   After the funeral, they start talking as they walk back to their cars. “I have a confession to make” says the priest. “When I thought of all the poor that could be helped by that man’s money, I decided to take a portion of it and donate it to the orphanage.”   As long as we are confessing” says the lawyer, “I need an oceanside vacation home, so I too took a handful of that geezer’s cash to use as a down payment.”  “Gentlemen, I am ashamed of both of you” replies the accountant. “I will have you know that I threw in a check for the full amount!”

Serve pizza while hopping on one leg? Got it! Back in the early 2000s I was a waiter at a famous red roofed pizza shack, it was back before they went downhill and closed the dining rooms. One night the teenage dishwasher got caught selling weed to other employees and was fired on the spot by the newly minted manager who wasn’t much older. No one was tasked with doing dishes after that and the bus tubs of dishes were piling up and people started setting them on the floor. I went back to set some dishes on the pile, turned to go back to the dining room, and twisted my knee when my leg got lodged in between two bus tubs on the floor. I heard a crunch and fell. I sat on the floor in pain and then tried to get up and put weight on it with little success. The young manager saw me and told me that I had to continue serving pizza because I was the only waiter and I would be fired if I didn’t. So I hopped. From the kitchen window to the tables. Serving every pizza. Customers asked what happened and I told them that and why I was still serving while hopping. They were angry and one confronted the manager. Finally I got sick of the hopping and called my girlfriend to come get me. On the way out the door, the manager said “you better get a doctors note” and I left. So I went to the ER. And I ended up having a torn meniscus and ACL damage. I lawyered up since I knew it was a sure bet, and a year and a half later I won a $10,000 settlement from the company. The first thing I did when I cashed that check was have a huge pizza party with all my friends in that same restaurant. That manager was there, giving me stink eye the whole time.

The lawyer they gave me said if I told the judge I was dumb and didn't understand what I did I would be locked up forever so I said I was smart. The meal was nice but my mom was crying so I asked if I could save some for later.

Farmer Conor had an accident A farmer named Conor had a tractor accident and was thrown into a ditch after being hit by a truck. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hotshot lawyer was questioning him. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, *‘I’m fine’*?” asked the lawyer. Conor responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, *‘I’m fine!’*?” Conor said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor, and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the judge was interested in Conor’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.” Conor thanked the Judge and proceeded: “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deere tractor right in the side. “I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. “Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. “Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, *‘How are you feeling?’*” “Now tell me, Judge, how would you answer?”

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband." "On what grounds?" "Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees." "No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?" "Yes, we have a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage." ^(getting exasperated) "Does he beat you up?" "No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he doesn't get up until after I've left for work." "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" "We just can't seem to communicate."

A wealthy man on his deathbed gave his lawyer one very specific condition for his wife to inherit everything. A very wealthy man on his deathbed called his lawyer. He told him to give all he had, down to the last dollar, to his wife. But he had one condition: that she must remarry within 30 days. "Why?" asked the lawyer. The man told him, "There should be at least one person that regrets I died."

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

A man and his wife die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates "Please could we get married again in heaven?" "I don't know about that, let me have a think" says St Peter A day goes by, and Peter agrees. He says, "I won't be long, let me just go and find a priest and let him know about what you want." A month and a half go by, before Peter arrives back at the pearly gates. The couple say "well actually Peter, because you've took so long, we have thought to ask you, if we don't want to stay married forever or if it doesn't go well, will we be able to get a divorce too?" "Are you being serious? It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?!"

Lawyer joke There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins. He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!" The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

Four old guys go golfing... And they start bragging about their sons. The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!" The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!" The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!" The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."

Yes Sir You're the Lawyer Sir This happened many years ago but I was just reminded of it last night by a former co-worker. I got my degree in business with a paralegal minor. Worked as a paralegal for a few years before moving to a new city. Upon arriving in new city I found that legal secretaries got paid OT while paralegals didn't and with very similar base salaries and similar work hours at the end of the day the legal secretaries made more money. So I took a job as a legal secretary. I worked directly for 2 attorneys. One (L) had a couple years' experience, knew I had education and experience to be a paralegal and utilized me as such. Other (B) was fresh out of law school and newly passed Bar Exam. He had a massive "I'm the lawyer" chip on his shoulder. One day named partner (NP) who was notorious for flying off the handle at mistakes assigns B to prepare some legal documents. Instead of saying "hey NP needs documents on this file to handle this issue" and having me do them he takes the time to actually dictate the documents. As I'm working on them I realize he's made a logistical mistake. He'd drafted the document in a way that would result in it not being legally enforceable. I go to his office and explain "hey I was working on this and I noticed X and that's not how that works. You need to have it do Y instead or it won't be enforceable" He says "I know what I'm doing and that's the way it needs to be done so just do it as I dictated it." Yep of course absolutely. I went did it his way, reminded him when I handed it to him that we'd had prior conversation and that I'd completed the document exactly as he'd wanted it. He happily nods and off he goes to NP to give him the "finished" work. Less than 30 minutes later NP is in B's office door way throwing a hissy fit that document was prepared that way. "YOU CAN'T DO THAT?!?!? YOU'VE LITERALLY MADE THIS DOCUMENT WORTHLESS!!!! " blah blah blah. I sat out in my cube and hid behind a piece of paper while NP told B to prepare the document exactly how I'd told him it needed to be prepared. I wish I could say that going forward B listened to me when I raised concerns but he only lasted a year and in that time never lost the "I'm the lawyer you're not" attitude. Meanwhile years after I left that job, joined corporate world and moved up in my career I was still close with NP who actually referred my company business and I attended his funeral when he past a few years ago.

Nasty FAX form a lawyer Part of my job is to answer FOIA (Freedom of Information Act) or APRA (Access to Public Records) and medical billing reports. An attorney in a neighboring state requested medical records for their client who we treated, the records were provided the same day. I pride myself on getting any invoices paid the same day or the next business day when I receive them, the same for APRA etc. 2 weeks go by, I get a secondary request from the same attorney, so I FAX the records, a 2nd time, and mailed them out. Today, I get a FAX with a request for the same records with this in the Fax cover Sheet "THIS IS THE THIRD REQUEST FOR THESE RECORDS". Ok, now, I'm ripshit. So I dig out the reports that were sent, compile all three bundles, run them through the scanner to get a count of the page amount... 49 pages. Perfect. I've now FAXed that bundle out to them 4 times today, and will continue to do so until it is time for me to go home for the day. EDIT: After this occurred. I found out that a coworker also sent these records out to the same attorney, 3 times. And our contracted billing dept also sent the answer 3 times. Also, there's no charge for e-docs...medical records aren't charged because they don't fall under APRA, and yes, three phone/fax number is the same. When you can you get the attorneys auto attendant, the fax chime sends it to their fax line.

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?" "Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A doctor and a lawyer During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

Open and Shut A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds." An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens. “Think about that,” the lawyer says. “The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.” He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty. “Guilty?” says the lawyer. “How can that be? You were all watching the door!” “Most of us were watching the door,” says the foreman. “But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn’t watching the door.”

London lawyer A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense! Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "

A rich man on his deathbead... calls his three lawyers in for a final consultation. "They say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to prove them wrong! I'm giving you each a third of my money. At my funeral, I want you to throw it in my grave so that it's buried with me." After the funeral, the lawyers are gathered for a drink when one of them says "I have a confession to make. I'm really behind on my mortgage, so I took 1/4 of the money and threw the rest of it in." The second lawyer responds. "I have to confess, I'm also having money problems. My Mercedes just broke down and the repair bills are killing me. I took half the money and threw the rest in." The third lawyer indignantly blusters at the other two "I'm ashamed of you both ripping off an old man like that. Why I'll have you know I threw in a check for the full amount!"

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.

Dark jokes 1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is 2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message 3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing 4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society 5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians 6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet. 7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead 8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face. 9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer 10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin 11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race 12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt 13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero 14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight 15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter 16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion 17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

A man and his son were driving past the graveyard and the boy asked his father, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Not that I know of," answered his father. "What made you ask that?" His son replied, "Well, I saw a gravestone that read "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. Well, the engineer arrived in hell and found it very hot - so he installed air conditioning. He also found it dry - so he installed clean running water. He then thought it was a bit dark so he installed decent lighting. The devil was very pleased and rang St. Peter to gloat 'thanks for sending me that engineer, he has made hell a really nice place'. Oh dear' said St. Peter (that was the nearest he got to swearing) 'if he can tame hell I must have made a mistake. Send him back up here.' Naturally, the devil refused so St. Peter said 'if you don't I will sue you'. The devil just laughed and said 'Where are you going to find a lawyer?' Edit: corrected mistyping

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously. "You certainly are" , replied the lawyer. Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says: To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say "Hi, Charles"

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? ... A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road... Of course, their car breaks down and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours and as the sun is setting they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers the door and the trio explain their situation. The farmer says "welp, ain't nobody 'round here can help y'all til the morning. But y'all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y'all are gonna have to bed down in the barn 'cause I only got two spare beds, ya see." So the trio draws straws and the Jew gets the short one. So he goes out to the barn to sleep and everyone else goes to bed. A few minutes later the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says "I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there. It's forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal." So they wake up the Hindu and he agrees to swap places with the Jew and everyone goes back to bed. A few minutes later the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says "I can't sleep in the barn. There's a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal." So they wake up the lawyer and he goes out to sleep in the barn and everyone goes back to bed. A few minutes later the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and there's a pig and a cow standing there.

Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand. Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?" Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy." Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?" The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before." The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket. The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?" The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

A Chinese Doctor... A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW) Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before. A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife. "You're home late. And you're tracking mud all over the place...For gods sake, take off your shoes!" "Look, I've had a hard day at work, can you just leave me alone?" After some mumbling from his wife, the lawyer walks upstairs to take a bath. A while later, the phone rings, and the wife answers, to be greeted by her husbands boss, who explains that due to the appearance of new evidence, Mr Wright isn't going to be hanged that night. Realising what a hard day her husband must have had, she goes upstairs to tell her husband the news, she opens the bathroom door to see her husband bending over drying his feet, balls dangling between his legs. "They're not hanging Wright tonight" "GOD DAMN IT WOMAN, CAN YOU JUST STOP CRITICISING ME FOR ONE MINUTE!?" EDIT: Thanks for the grammar check.

Unjustice In Hell A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.' 'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. 'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

John murders his wife Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up. “Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.” Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murders on his hands, John let’s Jeff go free. A few months later after a policy enquiry John is called into court for murder. As he walks in he sees Jeff in the witness stand and looks at the Judge. “Fuck” he whispers to his lawyer. “What’s wrong?” the lawyer asks “I made that witness promise he wouldn’t tell a soul about what he saw. “So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asks again “The judge is a fucking ginger.”

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions... The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?" The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions." "That's a bit expensive isn't it?" "Yep. What's your third question?"

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” "But you are the lawyer" replied the cops. "Exactly, so where’s my present?"

An engineer dies and goes to heaven... He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'. So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system. God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a mistake! The engineer is supposed to be up here with us!' Satan replies: 'you know, we're pretty happy with what the changes he had been making, I think we'll keep him' God gets mad and says 'you send him up here this minute or else I'll sue you!' Satan laughs and says, 'yeah, you and what lawyers?'

What's funny about 4 lawyers going off a cliff in a car? Nothing they were my friends.

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

A man is in court for murder So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court "In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed". The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens. " Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty." The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

There are four kinds of sex HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables: Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly from fixture to fixture, the altitude of defective bulb must first be determined upon which point the lawyer or lawyers shall at their option choose an appropriate means of elevation including but not limited to a chair, stepstool, table, or ladder; Whereas the height of said means of elevation may require support depending upon the altitude, trajectory, and any encumbrances including but not limited to furniture, stairs, load bearing members, and columns; and Whereas the bulb must be disposed of depending on the type of bulb in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes; The answer to the aforementioned question can only be answered in one way. It depends.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

A guy walks into a bar... .and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good looking'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

The Deaf Mafia Bookkeeper A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? ..... a father in law.

The customer is always right? I work for a Nissan dealership as a vehicle technician and I look after the high performance vehicles (GTR’s, 370Z) and about 13 years ago we fitted a set of front parking sensors to a Nismo 370Z and they didn’t work properly for some reason, these were Nissan branded sensors and we had fitted them on many other vehicles with no issues. After a while replacing the control unit and the sensors they still refused to work correctly so we got in touch with Nissan technical support and found out from them that they don’t work on the 370Z’s and the GTRS so please don’t fit them. We had to replace the front bumper of the Nismo 370Z and take the expensive lesson on the chin. A few months later we sold a new GTR to a to put it mildly an aggressive customer that had to have things his way and we were definitely perceived as the lower class. He wanted front parking sensors fitted to his new car and the salesman let the order through to us. The sting of what had happened before was still there and we told the salesman straight away that it’s not a good idea and tell the customer that they will not work. The customer knowing everything stated that they will work and there’s no reason why they shouldn’t he’s had them on previous vehicles and wants them fitted and at a reduced price for the stress we caused telling him he can’t have what he wants. So it fit them, they don’t work great but do to a degree and we tell the customer that we warned him they wouldn’t. He took the car away and was back in a couple of days saying it’s unacceptable and we need to get them working correctly or he will cause a big stink on social media and get his lawyer involved! So we spend a week tinkering with the car and no joy, they just wouldn’t work right by now he’s ringing in everyday to see if they are fixed, we would say sorry sir as we were told by Nissan and passed that information on to you they won’t work on your vehicle you were advised strongly not to have them. So he wants them removed and to fit them you need to put holes in the very expensive bumper. Obviously he isn’t happy with the 4 holes in the front of his car and demands a new bumper from us. Luckily all calls are recorded at our dealership and we had him on call requesting sensors to be fitted despite our advice, we refused to replace it for free, he stormed off threatening lawsuits. A few weeks later it’s back for a new expensive bumper at his cost.

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript: Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him ... A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about". The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him if he doesn't answer I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

LAWYERS DON'T LIE A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home. He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie. So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent. He liked one of the homes and the agent asked, "How many children do you have?” He answered : "12 children.” The agent asked "Where are the others?' The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother.” And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

Chinese Doctor A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

Can we get married? On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

Engineers and Lawyers Three lawyers are buying tickets for a train to Chicago. Ahead of them in line, three engineers purchase a single ticket. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to travel with just a ticket between the three of you?" "Watch and you'll see," winks one of the engineers. The train arrives, and the six of them climb on. The three lawyers take their seats while the three engineers pile into a bathroom. The train gets underway. A conductor starts making his rounds. Noticing the bathroom is occupied, he knocks on the door and asks, "Ticket, please." The door cracks open a hair, and a single ticket is offered. The conductor punches it, and continues on. The three lawyers admit that this is a good trick, and that they should try it on their next journey. As luck would have it, after spending a few days in Chicago, they see that the three engineers will be on board their train. The lawyers purchase a single ticket for the three of them, while the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. One of the lawyers asks, "How are you going to ride, if you don't have a ticket?" "Watch and you'll see," came the reply. The lawyers get on the train, and scramble into a bathroom. The engineers cram themselves into an adjacent bathroom. The train leaves, and picks up speed. One of the engineers gets out of the bathroom, walks over to the lawyers' bathroom, and knocks. "Ticket, please."

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." " -- or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted. " -- or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ... " The lawyer cut him off once again: " -- so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this disgusting act. The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000." "What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. They're gonna find me guilty for sure." "Don't you worry none," says the lawyer. "The key to any trial is the jury, and believe me, I know how to pick a jury." So Jed reluctantly agrees to hire him. The day of the trial, the neighbor gets on the witness stand to testify. He says, "I was walkin' along my property when I seen old Jed over there approach one of his goats, drop his drawers, and mount that poor animal from behind. After about two minutes old Jed appeared to be finished." "What happened then?" asks the prosecutor. "Well," says the neighbor, "Then that goat turned around and licked Jed's pecker." A gasp went up in the courtroom, and old Jed had all but given up hope when a juror in overalls leans over toward the fellow next to him and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."

An engineer dies... An engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After going through all his records, St. Peter finds that the man must go to hell. The engineer complains, as he's always been loyal to his wife and friends, never stolen, and always tried to lead a good life. "I'll take it up with the boss," says St. Peter. "But it will be a few weeks before we get an answer, and until then you'll have to stay in hell." Two weeks later, after the case has been gone over, St. Peter calls down to Satan, telling him that a mistake as been made and to release the engineer. "No," says Satan. "Why not?" "In the past two weeks he fixed the air conditioner, fixed my wireless network, upgraded the internet to high speed, and within a week we're going to have a new ice cream machine. He's staying," comes Satan's answer. "You can't do this!" exclaims St. Peter. "By all rights he should be in heaven! We'll take you to court if we have to!" "Sounds fair," says Satan calmly. "But where are you going to find a lawyer."

Why can't Irishmen be lawyers? They can never get past the bar.

Satan's engineer An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

6 people in a plane 3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest. The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one. Teacher: what about the children!?! Lawyer: fuck the children! Priest: is there time?

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," says the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

The Most Successful lawyer........... A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

a Polish man moved to the USA and married an american girl. A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~

A Mafia Godfather... ... finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

The Chinese Doctor A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest... A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A lawyer named Strange died. His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven. "Welcome!", says St. Peter. "Follow me and I'll show you your new homes!" First, he shows the lawyer a humongous mansion with a huge garden and several large fountains. "This is where you'll be living", St. Peter says. The lawyer starts jumping around due to excitement and rushes inside. The priest becomes excited. He's served God his whole life, so he knows that he will get an amazing house that'll be even better than the magnificent house that the lawyer got. However, St. Peter takes him to a shabby old apartment with several cars in the parking lot. There are numerous identical apartments surrounding this shabby apartment. "This is where you'll be living.", St. Peter says. The priests goes ballistic. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I'VE SERVED GOD MY ENTIRE GODDAMN LIFE! WHY THE FUCK DO I GET SUCH A SHITTY PLACE TO LIVE?!", he says. St. Peter sighs and says, "Well, we've got thousands upon thousands of priests here, but that's the first lawyer we've ever gotten!".

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet under? Because, deep deep down they are good people.

The priest, laywer, and engineer By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go. They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go. Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."

So a doctor and a lawyer are having lunch at a local diner. A woman interrupts their conversation to ask the doctor some sort of medical advice. The doctor tells her what he can then sends her on her way, then turns back to the lawyer. “Man, I get so tired of people bugging me for medical advice,” the doctor says. “I never see people do the same with you for legal advice, how do you keep them away?” The lawyer says, “Every time someone asks me for any advice, I just send them a bill. Keeps people away like a charm.” “That’s super smart!” the doctor says. “I’m gonna do that!” The next day, the doctor makes up his bills for all the people who asked him for medical advice, and he takes them out to his mailbox. He opens it up, and he finds a bill from the lawyer.

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane. The lawyer keeps trying to get a blonde to play a game with him. After awhile she finally agrees.The lawyer explains the game to her. He says that he will ask her a question and if she can't answer it she will give him $50.Then she will ask him a question and if he can't answer it he will give her $500. She agrees. He ask her to say the first seven prime numbers in order. She thinks for awhile then gives him $50.She then ask him what has no legs, three arms, and is covered in fur.He thinks for awhile then gives her $500.Curious he asks her what the answer is.She gives him $50.

What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.