100+ Bar Jokes

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :) A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?" Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes." For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted. For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too. And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..." The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer The bartender says we don't serve food here

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."   None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.   "Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him... ... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

The driest, most esoteric joke I know. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies ~~I don't think I am"~~ "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears. This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A horse walks into a bar... "Why the long face?" asks the bartender... The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."

Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

A man walks into a bar... (NSFW) He orders nine shots. The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?" The man mumbles, "first blowjob." The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out. The man downs all nine in a row. The bartender still smiling says, "hey, make it an even ten. On the house." The man shakes his head, "No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."

Guy walks into a bar with a .44 Magnum, he shouts: WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE?! Everyone’s quiet for a bit, then one guy in the back replies: “Mate you ain’t got enough bullets”

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asked. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said. The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

A smoking hot woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. While she's sitting there she notices a frog on a stool behind the bar. "What's up with that frog?" she asks the bartender. "Oh he eats pussy" the bartender replied. "Really? I've never heard of a frog that eats pussy" she said. Intrigued and after several drinks she finally says "Ok, I've got to know how good this frog is, can I take him home?" "Sure" the bartender says "And call me if there's any problems." So a little while later he gets an irate call from the woman saying " I'm laying here pants off and spread eagle and this frog is just sitting there not doing anything!" "Oh no, I'll be right over" says the bartender. He gets to her house and sure enough she's pants off and spread eagle and the frog is just sitting there. He picks up the frog and puts it to his ear and listens. "What!?" says the bartender. "Really!?" "FINE! But this is the last time I show you!"

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer... The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it and asks for a third beer. Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression, until the woman says: -- What, have you never seen a naked woman before? -- That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay for the beers.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

Guy walks into a bar and bets the owner $500 that he can stand on one end and piss without getting any on the bar. The owner takes the bet because the bar is about fifty feet long. So the guy whips it out and sure enough he only pisses about 4 feet all over the bar. The owner laughs as he collects his money and cleans up the bar. He asks the guy who pissed why he seems so happy. The guy says: “You see that table in back, I bet the 5 guys there 10 grand that you would let me piss on the bar and laugh and clean it up.”

Multi-level Meta Joke A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a multi-level meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a meta joke." So the guy says "A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a free drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a free drink if you can tell me a good joke." So the guy says "What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer." So the bartender gives him a free beer.

A horse walks into a bar , “why the Long face ?” The bartender asks... The horse not being able to comprehend the human language promptly shits on the floor and leaves

A guy walks into a bar... ...and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says: "Hi there, good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on,dirty, clean... It just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?" The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

A piano player walks into a bar... A piano player walks into a bar and says to the manager "I saw your sign 'Piano player needed' and I'm your man, I write all my own material." "Play me a tune." said the manager. The piano player's song was so catchy that it had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great!" the manager said, "What do you call that one?" "I call it 'Your Sister is a Dirty Fucking Whore!'" said the piano player. "Well" said the manager "that's an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one." The piano player's song was so beautiful that it brought tears to the manager's eyes . "Now, what do you call this one?" said the manager. "I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed.'" said the piano player. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but don't mention the names of your songs to any of the patrons, okay?" The piano player agreed. That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When he could finally take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. In his rush to get back, he forgot to zip his pants up. As he made his way back to the piano, one of the patrons stopped him and said, "Do you know your fucking dick is hanging out of your pants?" The piano player exclaimed "Know it?! I wrote it!"

A man walks into a bar....... A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again. Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded, "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home."

An Irishman walks into a bar... ...and says to the bartender, "Give me three pints of Guinness, lad". The bartender obliges, and the Irishman lifts two of the three glasses to the air, as if toasting some invisible person. He then set them down, and finished all three glasses by sipping from one, then the next, and the next until it was empty. Bartender, naturally curious, asks what's up. "Oh, me two brothers all live about. Since we can't meet and have a pint together, we do it from afar like this." This continues for a few more months, until finally, one day, the Irishman only orders two pints of Guinness. Bartender notices this and says solemnly, "Only two today? I'm sorry. Did one of your brothers pass away?" "No, no, nothing of the sort. I've quit drinking!"

A man walks into a bar and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky, hundreds and thousands of cash scattered everywhere. So the man collects all the cash and walks back into the bar to return the lamp. The bartender, who witnessed the whole event asks, "Wow, how did you know that the genie was hard of hearing?" "Well," the man replies, "I see this joke posted here every day."

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !” The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartender, knowing the man is unable to see what he’s pouring, serves him his cheapest single malt – a Glen Garioch 5 year old. The blind man takes a sip, makes a face and spits it out, exclaiming “That’s 5 year old whisky ! I said a 30 year old single malt !” The bartender apologizes and pours the man a shot of 12 year old Macallan. The blind man takes a sip of that, and spits it out again, and says “That’s 12 year old whisky ! I said 30 year old !” The bartender, still wanting to maximize his profit, pours another shot, this time a 21 year old Glenlivit, and sets it in front of the blind man. Again, the man takes a sip, spits it out, and says “That’s 21 year old whisky ! Give me what I ordered, or I am out of here !” At this point, the bartender has resigned himself to the fact that the man won’t accept anything less than the real thing, and pours him his best 30 year old Balvenie. The blind man takes a sip, and sighs “Now THAT’s 30 year old whisky !” An old drunk down at the end of the bar who has been watching this whole exchange, walks over to the blind man, sets a glass down in front of him, and says. “Excuse me sir, I’d like you to try this.” The blind man says “Happy to!” and takes a sip. Immediately, the blind man spits it out and shouts “My god man, that tastes like PISS !” The old drunk replies “It is – tell me how old I am”

Small Head A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?" He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

A biker walks into a bar... ..and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar. He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."

So a blind man walks into a bar.. The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?" In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!" He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" Horse : I have cancer.

A skeleton walks into a bar He orders a drink and a mop

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "This is the third time I've been in this bar." "Really?" says the bartender. "In 1982, I came in the day before my wedding. I was nervous. I was unsure. In retrospect, I was lacking confidence in myself, in my future." "Fair enough," says the bartender. "Over 40 years later, I came back... the day after my wife died. It's amazing how life can change. How every uncertainty can become the past. How the unknown can come to mean... everything." The bartender doesn't know what to say. But the man continues. "Those were the two most important days of my life," he says. The two stand in silence for a moment. "Well then," says the bartender, "what brings you here today?" "As fate would have it," the man replies, "I forgot my umbrella."

A man walks into a bar with a gun.. A guy walked into a local bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.” A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

Priest walks into a bar Priest: *takes a seat near bartender* "Gimme a shot of whiskey and leave the bottle" Bartender: *pours him drink* "Rough day?" Priest: "I had to preform an exorcism this morning. The girl kept screaming profanities, throwing up all over the place, and on several occasions, she actually tried to attack me." Bartender: "Sounds like some of my regulars" Priest: "Afterwards, I had to spend the day listening to people confess their sins" Bartender: "Sounds like my average night here" Priest: "And to top it all off, for the past few weeks, I've been getting stalked by a demon. Whether I'm at the church or sleeping in my bed at night, I can feel it watching me. At first, it tried to lead me to temptation, but now it has grown crazy" Bartender: "Sounds like my ex"

Only in a sleep deprived state, may you find this funny. The guy with a big orange head... A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with **a big orange head.** Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, **my** **first wish** is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for **my next wish** , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible." The genie booms, 'You have **one wish remaining**.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads... A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks. "Yes," she purrs. "I am." "Well, wash your fuckin' hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"

A pony walks into a bar and coughs, ‘Hey, COUGH. Gimme a b—, COUGH, a beer, COUGH.’ The bartender serves him and says, ‘What’s with your voice?’ The pony says, ‘Nothing, I’m justa little hoarse.’

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich The bartender says "wow, you don't see that every day! Man, what's your story?" Th duck says "I'm a welder at the construction site across the street. I'll be here for a few months while we finish the building," and picks up his newspaper and starts reading. The bartender obviously wants to chat with this miraculous duck, but the duck just ignores him and goes about reading his newspaper. This goes on for a few weeks, with the duck coming in after work, ordering a sandwich and drinking his beer while he reads his newspaper, until the bartender finally leaves him alone and stops asking questions. One day at lunchtime a guy in a suit comes in and sits down. "Give me a beer," says the guy. "Sure," says the bartender. "What's your story, mac?" and pours a frothy one for the man. "I'm actually an agent for PT Barnum and Bailey Circus," says the man. Just looking around town for a new act." "Man, do I have the act for you!" says the bartender excitedly. "There's this duck that comes in here every day after work - a real duck! He orders an sandwich and a beer, and reads his newspaper! He can talk and everything!" "That sounds like a good one, alright," says the man, finishing his beer. "Hey, I have to run, but when the duck comes in, give him my card," leaving his card on the bar. So the duck comes in after work, and the bartender says "Hey, buddy - I think I found you your next gig!" The duck says "Wow, thanks, man! Hey, sorry I've been a bit standoffish, it's just that days are long and hard over there. I really appreciate you looking out for me, and I'm always looking for my next gig!" So the bartender hands him the agents card. "This is a circus?" asks the duck. "Yep, that's right!" says the bartender. "A circus. Big canvas tents, clowns, the whole works. A circus." "Yes," says the bartender. "Why?" The duck shakes his head, puzzled, and says "Well, what in the world do they need with a welder?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, “Say, do you have any squid?” The barkeep says no, and the penguin walks out. The penguin comes in the next 3 days in a row, always asking, “Say, do you have any squid?”. The barkeep finally loses it and yells, “No we don’t have any squid! If you ask me that again, I’m gonna nail your tail to the wall!" The penguin leaves without a word, and isn’t seen for a few days. The barkeep's thinking he's gone for good, but he shows up a week later. The penguin walks in, and he and the barkeep exchange a long stare before the penguin finally breaks the silence. “Do you have a hammer?” “No” “How about nails, you got any?” “No” “So, say, do you have any squid?”

A man walks into a bar, orders a double bourbon, neat, and downs it in a single gulp. “How big is a penguin?” he asks. The barman says, “Around 18 inches.” He orders another double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down. “What’s the biggest a penguin can ever be?” The barman frowns. “Three feet, maybe an inch or two more.” The man orders a third double bourbon, neat, and gulps it down even quicker. He sighs. “I may have run over a nun.”

A man walks into a bar... ...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a..." "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like *shit!!*" **"TURN IT AROUND!!"**

Bartender says: "We don't serve time travelers here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp. The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence… See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him? The Bartender

A man walks into a bar ... and stays there my entire childhood.

A lady walks into a bar… She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up on the bar in the appropriate position and the bartender puts the frog there and tells it to do its thing. The frog just sits there. The bartender moves the frog to the side and says, "I'm only going to show you one more time!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?” The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”

A moderator walks into a bar.., [removed]

A guy walks into a bar and orders 75 double shots of whiskey... The bartender asks "Long day?" The man takes his first shot "Yeah. My old lady handed me divorce papers..." Bartender says "Yeah?" "Yeah," the man says, downing his second shot. "And then I get laid off from my job, so I don't have any income, and the rent's due this week." "No shit," says the bartender. This goes on for a while until finally he passes out after the 45th shot. The bartender dials an ambulance, but the man is pronounced dead on arrival.

A bartender walks into a bar because he works there.

A Muslim walks into a bar. The bartender knew about the religious constraints of Islam and so he politely said, "I'm sorry. We don't serve non alcoholic drinks here." "I know," the Muslim guy replied, "I'm here just to use the restroom." "Ah, fair enough," the bartender smiled.

A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar Man: "What's this?" Bartender: "Try it" Man: "It tastes like rum!" Bartender: "Turn it around." Man: "This side tastes like coke!" Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartender places another apple onto the bar Man2: "What's this?" Man1: "Try it, just trust me." Man2: As he takes a bite "This tastes like gin!" Man1: "Now turn it around." Man2: "This side tastes like tonic!" A third man walks into the bar and the bartender asks him what he would like. Man3: "I don't know, what do you got?" Bartender: "Well we have apples that taste like all sorts of things." Man3: "You got one that tastes like pussy?" The bartender places an apple on the bar Man3: As he bites into the apple "Ew! This tastes like shit!" Bartender, Man1, Man2: "Turn it around!"

A man walks into a bar. He’s got syphilis, typhoid, cholera, rickets, scurvy, bubonic plague, gout, shingles, pink eye, ringworm, mono, hepatitis A through C, whooping cough, measles, mumps, dengue fever, trench foot, strep throat, mumps, measles, Lyme disease, and hand-foot-and-mouth disease. Bartender says, "What is this...some kind of *sick* joke?"

So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood. Where are you dad?

A guy walks into a bar with a box... He sits down and starts ordering several drinks. "What's in the box?" Asks the bartender "Ugh, just get me another drink...? Grumbles the man. Bartender says "show me what's in the box and the next ones on the house." The man nods places the box on the bar and takes out a small piano and a man about a foot tall comes out and starts playing the most beautiful music he has ever heard. "where the hell did you get that?" Asks the bartender. The man replies "There is a genie out side granting wishes but..." Before he can finish the bartender runs out side and sees the genie, and yells "I wish for a million bucks!" After a puff of smoke there are a million ducks walking around quaking. The bartender runs back inside and yells at the guy "Hey you didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing!" The guy turns around slowly and says with a smirk, "Did you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist

A blonde guy walks into a bar A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink. Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in. He shouts out Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley? Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin. True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was! As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin? The blond replies I had to walk back home

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about: "Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?" The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers: "Nah, the stakes are too high."

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

Golden toilets A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks. "What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

A Chinese guy walks into a bar... A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him : • My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff? • Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese? • No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

A man walks into a bar My life is a fucking mess just upvote this

A horse walks into a bar... Bartender: “Why the long face?” Horse: “My wife is dying of terminal cancer”

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman... He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No." he replies "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "It must be broken because I *am* wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

The Golden Toilet A man goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet. He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar,"Excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said the man. "A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous." This continues all day until finally the man walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet." The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bill, I think we found the guy who took a shit in your tuba!"

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." Te bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

A man walks into a bar His crippling alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart

A guy walks into a bar & orders a beer. Soon he hears a voice: "Nice tie!" But no other customers are around. A few minutes later: "Looks like you've been working out." So he asks the bartender what's up? The bartender says ... It''s the peanuts. They're complimentary.

A bear walks into a bar The bartender says "what will It be ?" The bear says "A shot of whisky and .............a bear " The bartender adds "whats whit the Big pause " The bear says "Sorry my father died yesterday "

A woman walks into a bar... A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?" "Tiny." The woman replies. "Why tiny?" The barman inquires. "Because he's my newt."

The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar with a dog... A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog "What do you find on top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bartender. The man asks again "What do you find on a tree?" "Bark!" answers the dog again. "Are you kidding me? Ask it something a human could answer or I'm kicking you out." The man asks the dog 'Who's the best baseball player?" The dog replies "Ruth!" and the bartender angrily kicks them out. Outside, the dog looks at it's owner, and says "DiMaggio?" (Sorry it's kinda lame, but it's one of my favorite) edit: Thanks for getting me on the front page! I posted it for my cakeday, didn't get the icon until now! Didn't expect it to get so many upvotes!

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here." The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!" Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick. "Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?" "I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

If every joke happened in the same universe... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A horse walks into a bar... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Guy walks into a bar The bartender goes, "Hey, you're a Muslim, aren't you?" The guy goes, "Yeah, how could you tell?" The bartender says, "Well, okay, so, I know this is 2020 and everything and we're all trying to be really politically correct and not assume things, but I'm still somewhere on the curve, and I'm learning, but, well, you've got brown skin, a beard, and I could overhear you speaking in either Urdu or Arabic outside, so, yeah, I assumed. I'm sorry. Was that racist?" The guy says, "Since Muslims aren't a race, that wasn't racist. But that was you stereotyping, which in most circumstances wouldn't have been cool, but I've had a really long day and I couldn't give a damn. Can you pour me a beer please?" The bartender says, "Forgive me, but isn't drinking prohibited in your religion?" The guy says, "Well, yes, but I thought we were in America." The bartender says, "You're right. You're right. You can drink here. But I'm just wondering, like, I don't know much about that culture and that lifestyle. Will you feel guilty after drinking this beer?" The guy says, "I've drank beer plenty of times. You see, I'm what you might call a moderate Muslim. I'm not perfect. I've had premarital relationships with a couple of girls. I've eaten the odd pork pie every now and then. And on weekends I drink. I'm a Muslim, but I'm also very much a citizen of the Western world, where these things are okay. Does that answer your question?" The bartender says, "So I do not have to feel guilty about pouring you this here beer?" The guy smiles. "About as guilty as you'd feel for pouring the same drink to a Jewish person, a Christian, or a Hindu." The bartender smiles back and hands him the glass. The guy takes a sip and smacks his lips. "Thank you for this. I've had a really long day. There's this MERN stack app that I've been developing, and it's been really taxing. I haven't slept in more than eighteen hours." The bartender says, "You're a web developer?" "Yes," the guy says. "And I drive Lyft on the side to supplement my income. I'm not really that great of a web developer." "So where are you from?" The bartender asks. "North Carolina," the guy says. "No, I meant, like, where are you really from? Like where did your family come from?" The guy frowns a bit and takes another sip from his glass and puts it down on the bar. "Now that I mind. Why would you think we came from anywhere?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that I was wondering where your family immigrated from," the bartender says. His face is a bit flushed. "That's all right. Okay, so I was born here. In North Carolina. Born and raised in Raleigh. My dad moved here from Pakistan. He's a systems engineer. My mom's from India. She'd come here for her Master's. Does that answer your question?" "Pretty much. So you're an American," the bartender says. "As much as you are," the guy says and raises his glass. "I'll drink to that," the bartender says and clinks his shot glass with the guy's. Later when the guy takes out his wallet from his pocket to pay, the bartender shakes his head and says, "It's on the house. And listen, my friend, I'm a democrat. I would have voted for Obama a third time. And I'm not Islamophobic or xenophobic at all. You're welcome here anytime." The guy smiles and shakes the bartender's hand and says, "Only if you let me pay for the drinks from now on. I'm not one to trigger your white guilt for free drinks." "This is dialogue. We need more dialogue like this to heal our country, to bring people together. You know?" the bartender says. "You're very right, sir," the guy says and tips his cap to the bartender. Guy walks out of the bar. ​ Edit: Oh my God, thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly awesome response. The comments made my day, this is the most upvoted any post of mine has ever gotten, and I got my first award! Thank you u/kirkaug for the award. Very cool. You're all awesome. This was the best day of my life.

A cowboy... ... walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn. This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?" The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When they left our home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. One day, he comes in and only orders two beers. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife made me quit drinking but it hasn't affected my brothers though."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder The bartender says, 'What an interesting pet, what's his name? ‘Tiny,' the man replies. What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?' ‘Because...he's my newt.'

A duck walks into a bar... Duck: Got any bread? Barman: No mate, this is a bar Duck: Got any bread ? Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here! Duck: Got any bread? Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar. Duck: Got any nails? Barman: No. Duck: Got any bread?

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can i get you?" "Pop" Goes the weasel

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says "Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special." He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks. "If you can run down to the end of the bar, jump up, and take a bite out of one of those pieces of meat, you get to drink free here for the rest of your life. But I'll warn you, if you try it and fail, you have to buy all of the drinks for the rest of the bar all night." The man replies "Well, let me think about it. Mind if I take a look?" The bartender lets him, so he saunters down to the end of the bar, and takes a nice, long look at the hanging meat, before turning around and coming back. "Nah, I think I'll just order a beer." "Alright, but just curious... why aren't you taking the challenge?" "Buddy, the steaks are just too high."

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head

A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, "What's with the guy with the big orange head?" The bartender chuckles. "Yeah," he says, "That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it." So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and offers to buy him a beer. The guy with the orange head says, "Let me guess. You want to hear about the head?" The first guy says, "Well, yeah. If you don't mind." The man with the orange head says, "Alright. Lord knows I've run it over in my mind a million times, anyway. So, it's like this: One day, I was walking along a beach, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there, sticking out of the sand, was an antique lamp. So I picked it up and brushed away some of the sand, when a big cloud of blue smoke erupted from it. When the smoke cleared, a genie was standing there. And this genie said to me, 'Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. For doing this, I will grant you two wishes.' "So, I think, wow, okay. And I do what many people would. For my first wish, I wish to be fantastically wealthy. So the genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly I'm covered in jewels. Hundreds of necklaces, three rings per finger, a crown on my head, and a chest full of gold next to me besides all that." At this point in the story, the first man is in amazement. He just can't believe what he's hearing. Eager to hear the rest, he says, "So what was your second wish?" The man with the orange head slowly takes a sip of his beer. He puts it down, and says, "You know. This may be where I went wrong... I wished for a big orange head."

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks “why the long face?” The horse, being a horse, shits on the floor and leaves.

A tired and stressed man walks into a bar, orders a strong drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is

A bear walks into a bar. "The usual, Mr. Grylls?", asked the bartender.

Happy Hour A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents." The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?" Bartender replies: "Two cents." The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?" Bartender replies again: "Two cents." The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?" Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife." Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?" Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

A man walks into a bar with a small newt on his shoulder. The bartender said, “What an interesting pet. What’s his name?” “Tiny,” the man replied. The bartender said, “That’s an odd name. Why did you call him Tiny?” “Because he’s my newt.”

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

A gay man walks into a bar It is a gay bar and he is looking to meet someone, and potentially start a relationship

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Interesting pet, what’s his name”. “Tiny”, the guy says. “Why Tiny”, the bartender asks. “Because he’s my newt”.

tiny pianist An oldie, but goodie: A man walks into a bar and sees a 12 inch pianist playing the piano. He talks to the bartender and says, "That's amazing! Where did you find a 12 inch pianist?" The bartender replies, "Oh, I have a genie in the back room who grants wishes. Give it a try if you want." The man goes to the genie and says, "Oh genie, I wish I had a 100 million bucks." The genie nods his head and a few seconds later there's a puff of smoke and 100 million ducks fly over the man's head. The man goes back to the bartender and complains, "I wished for 100 million bucks, not 100 million ducks!" And the bartender says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

A string instrument walks into a bar. The barkeep asks, "what are you?" The instrument says, "I'm a harp." The barkeep replies, "Aren't you a little small to be a harp?" The instrument replies, "Are you calling me a lyre?"