100+ Doctor Jokes

Did you hear about the Doctor on the United Flight? [removed]

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Three friends bragged about who has more sex.... Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100." An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!” Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.  The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant ! Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" he replies: "she looks great! she is in good health! she will still live for many years! next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" "wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "but this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

The first female president The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice. “I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove." Edit: thank you everyone for the upvotes, because if you, the top post on my Reddit profile will forever be an old joke about a man with too many penises.

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him inhere right away and I’ll take care of him.” “But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptomshe has.” “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.” “Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Manager said "no phones during work hours, period." So I stopped answering his calls. I work IT support for a medium-sized company. We've always been allowed to have our phones at our desks, sometimes family emergencies happen, doctors call back, whatever. As long as we weren't scrolling social media all day, nobody cared. New manager comes in last month, sees one person checking a text, and loses it. Sends out an email: "EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: No personal phones during work hours. They must be left in your car or locker. This means 9-5, NO EXCEPTIONS. Anyone caught with a phone will be written up" Okay sure boss... The thing is, our manager works from home three days a week. And when server issues pop up after hours or on weekends, guess how he contacts us? That's right , our personal phones. We don't have company phones. Friday afternoon, 4:45 pm. Major server issue. I see it, could fix it in 10 minutes, but my phone is in my car as per policy. I calmly finish my work at 5:00 and walk out. By the time I get to my car and check my phone at 5:15, I have 17 missed calls and a string of increasingly panicked texts from my manager. The server has been down for 30 minutes. Multiple departments cant do anything. I call him back: "Hey, just got to my car and saw your calls. Whats up?" He's furious (malding and seething), asking why I didnt answer. I remind him about the no phones policy. He says that's different, this was an emergency. I point out his email said "NO EXCEPTIONS" and I was just following policy to avoid a write-up. Monday morning? New email: "Personal phones are permitted at desks for emergency purposes." Back to normal then.

A lot of these gun nuts will say stuff like "People are demanding gun control but most of them probably couldn't even tell you a stock .455 glockenheimer's carbonate load." You got me. I don't really need to be a gun expert to know I don't want them to kill me. Like if I go to my doctor, a heart specialist, and say "Gee doc, I'd really like to not have a heart attack." He doesn't go "BULLSHIT! Name the valves!" James Etchison @jamesetchison

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months. The woman asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you. Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy? Doctor: *deeply sighs* Denephew.

I love porn that takes place in a doctors office just for the fantasy of having health insurance. @magdendaniel

BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.. In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital. The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."

Said something to my doctor performing my vasectomy she had never heard. I'm disappointed in you all if you don't say it. So I'm laying on the table, pants off and ready to be snipped. The doctor makes sure all her tools are ready, then asks: "Are you ready Redbaron1701?" I responded with: "Sure. Go nuts." She had to step away from the table she was laughing so hard. She said no one jokes during their vasectomy, and she had never heard that one. Be better. Joke with your dick doc. Edit: holy hell every single one of you has given me a dad joke and I can't even begin to sort them. Edit 2: my top post is now a joke about my testicles. Reddit is alive and well.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it’s terminal

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon Me why?

I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..." “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth. So I have an uncle, once removed.

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing... After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

True Story My wife and I went to the hospital today for our final follow up after she had a miscarriage earlier this week (sad face). The room was full of 2 nurses, 2 interns doing residencies, and our doctor. He told us the good news that we can start trying again as soon as we’re ready. I immediately replied “well can you give us the room or do you want to stick around and watch?” That got a real belly laugh from everyone, including my wife, and broke up a lot of the tension in the room. Just thought I would share this dad (to be) joke

As a doctor, I'm addicted to hitting my patients on their knees I really get a kick out of it

The Unemployed Engineer An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body... ...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?" she asked. "No, the regular kind."

Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19" My response: "144? That's a gross"

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Don’t want me start before 8:00? Fine. Years ago I worked for this complete psycho at a semi public service type place. Moody, arrogant (my first week there, she must have mentioned having a PhD/doctorate/I’m a doctor *at least* half a dozen times), and the biggest goddam snob I’ve ever met. We had flexible work hours, spread of hours between 7:00 am & 6:00 pm, signing on in 15 minute increments. If I had a really good run in traffic, sometimes I’d get there in time to sign on at 7:30 or 7:45. Well, psycho Dr didn’t like that, and said I couldn’t start before 8:00, despite everyone else in the office being allowed to. I explained that sometimes if the traffic was good I got in earlier than that, but she wouldn’t have it. Told me if I got in early, I could read through my work emails but I couldn’t sign on before 8:00, so basically she expected me to give 15-30 minutes free labor. Yeah, nah, screw that. So if I got in early, and the weather was nice, I’d sit outside, or if it wasn’t, I’d sit at my desk and read. My Kindle. Or play on my phone. And didn’t switch my computer on until bang on 8:00. Her boss came by early one morning wanting to collect something she’d left in the office for him, and of course the office wasn’t open and she demanded to know where I was. I reminded her that I wasn’t allowed to start before 8:00, which I could tell royally pissed her off, but there was nothing she could do about as I had the email trail to back me up. Small potatoes in terms of malicious compliance, but it made me feel good.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry." “Those are just contractions.”

This was Actually Said.. This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript: Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" Witness: "No." Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

"You Don't Sound Sick to Me" **Edit**: I am not an American. I used to work as a researcher in an in-bound call center. I loved the work, and the company was FANTASTIC when I started. But after 4 years they got bought out by a big international corp (a pretty standard hack and slash corp = buy up a profitable company, strip it of all assets, cut costs, slash quality, make good money until our well-deserved fantastic reputation is destroyed, then sell off and move on). Within weeks the company went from being fantastic to work for to just yet another shitty, tense work environment where the bosses take advantage of the employees. One quick example of how badly they nerfed the bonus structure - one particular bonus went from being able to earn up to a thousand extra dollars in 3 days to a single $50 Boston Pizza gift card. Previously all employees got paid varying bonuses under this scheme, but in the new system, only one person gets the gift card. And they had the nerve to get mad at us when the new, slap-in-the-face "bonus" failed to motivate anyone. I was good at my job, and not to brag but I was the most productive employee on the floor. We were given 15 PTO (Paid Time Off) days to use every year, which according to our employment contracts and company handbook were to be used for sick days, mental health days, and other personal reasons. No explanation was ever asked for, use them as and when you will. I always made sure to use up all my PTO by the end of the year as it didn't bank, previous management encouraged us to do so, and also there was no bonus for not using it. I followed the company rules, always gave plenty of notice, and only once left the team dangling with no notice (as I got seriously ill that time). The new management takes over and right away they start trying to intimidate us into not taking PTO. I hear a lot of this from my fellow employees, how when they call in the supervisors have started grilling them, challenging them, saying they "don't sound sick", etc. A lot of intimidation and bullying. So by the time I need to use a PTO day, I'm ready. I call in one day and tell them I won't be in tomorrow. They want to know "Why?", so I tell them I'm not feeling well. Their voice grows immediately cold, and they get a rude tone. "You don't sound sick to me". Being a smart-ass, I said, "Not even doctors try to diagnose illnesses over the phone" but they kept trying to push me. "Can you come in in the afternoon? You don't sound sick. You've been using a lot of sick days, way more than other employees." I got tired of being treated like a criminal for obeying the rules, so I got a recording app for my phone. I live in a one-party consent area so it's perfectly legal to record phone calls. Next time I felt sick I called in to work. Now they always began every call with a disclaimer "Thank you for calling XXX, for your information this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". I say hello, give them my name, and say "BTW, just so you know on my end, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes". Because I am recording the call, and I think it's only fair to let them know. The supervisor gives a perfunctory laugh, then says"So why are you calling in sick? You don't sound sick to me. I'll put you down as sick for the morning but you'll be in for the afternoon." I inform them that no, I am calling in for at least 1 day and will update if I don't feel better. She says "No, I'll put you down for half a day, you can call in again if you don't feel better." Once again I say no, restate my position, and tell them that is that. She gets really pissy and and starts insinuating that this might cause me to lose my job. "Why do you take so much more PTO than the other employees?" I take what my employment contract says I am entitled to. No more, no less. "Well, you should have a better team spirit, we'll have to review this with HR." Threatening tone, classical bullying playbook. I'm off the next day, come in for my following shift. "Go see HR". I sit down at Art's desk in HR (he's very much a corporate HR lapdog). He starts going on about how they're going to have to review my employment contract and consider whether or not going forward I am a "good fit" at XXX corp. Now in case I seem too calm in this scenario, bear in mind that, while I do prefer to remain at XXX for the time being, I do not care if they want to fire me. I'm very good at my job, I have had several job offers from competing companies, so the threat of being fired does not faze me. While Art is berating me, I take out my phone, and start playing the recording I made when calling in sick. Art stops, starts to get annoyed, then realizing he's listening to a recording of an employee verbally berating and intimidating a worker for exercising their contractual, legal rights. He excuses himself, and is gone for about 10 minutes, before returning, visibly angry but restrained. He tried to dress

Stripped of Manager Position ... OK I Can Do That This happened decades ago -but after reading another MC I figured I'd post this. I was a manager of a programming department. I initially had 5 programmers reporting to me and I was able to spend half of my time programming and half managing. I had always gotten exceeds or far exceeds expectations on my annual reviews. About 10 years later my team had 25 people and I was spending less and less time programming. Fast forward a few years and I missed 2 months during the year for a surgery and hospital stay and in my annual review my boss (who knew nothing about programming) told me I was not doing a good job and the programming department was missing deliverable dates (probably because I was in the hospital). They wanted me to go back to just programming and I was stripped of my manager and only focus on programming. I was pissed off but I told him that I can do that. I told my former staff what had happened and told them to direct ALL questions to my boss (who knew zero about programming). He was overwhelmed and soon senior management figured out that my boss was the problem not me. They canned him and replaced him with the VP of programming in the UK (I am in the US). She was great since she started as a programmer and was an excellent boss in general. Since I was just a programmer now - all of the managers were in the UK and I told my former staff to direct all questions to their new bosses in the UK. Since there was 6 hour time difference and we only overlapped 2 or 3 hours each day that made getting questions answered in a timely fashion quite difficult. In the meantime my health wasn't the best and my doctor told me I should go to a 4 day/32 hour work week so I my health wouldn't continue to suffer. Since my employer was a strict 40 hour week company I looked for another job and got 8 job offers in about a month. I was ready to resign. Finally after a few months my new boss asked me to be a manager again because of the time difference between US & UK and because I most experience as a programmer in the company. Instead I gave her my resignation and explained why. She asked me what it would it would get me to stay and I told I wanted a 10% raise and wanted to work 4 day/32 hour work work. I gave her 24 hours to respond. She spoke to higher ups and finally came back the next day and agreed.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Was told i required a doctor’s note after taking sick time. I had a manager who decided we needed a doctor’s note after a sick day. His reasoning was the note confirmed we were well enough to be in the office. Meanwhile we all knew it was just to give sick staff a hard time. When he pulled this on me, I agreed and started packing up and told him i would contact my doctor and let him know when my doctor could see me. Then I started walking out. He asked me why i was leaving. I told him since i didn’t have a note, and i needed one to prove i was not sick and could work as per his instructions i needed to leave. I followed up with the fact that my doctor was in a different town, and it could be up to two weeks for me to get an appointment. All of which true. He told me i seemed fine and not to worry about the note. He stoped asking others as well.

"Silent farts that don't stink..." An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

An old lady goes to the doctor and says ‘doc, I can’t stop farting. They’re silent with no smell, but I’ve let out 20 in the past 5 minutes sitting here’ The doc gives her some pills and tells her to come back next week. The next week the old lady comes back and says ‘doc, I took the pills, the farts are still silent but now they stink!’ The doc says ‘great! We’ve cleared your sinuses, now let’s work on your hearing!’

A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men. After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river. The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line. Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions. Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.

Temper cure... A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

A woman is in the hospital in a coma... and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma. The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked." EDIT: /u/strenling has been edited.

A Chinese doctor moved to the U.S. and couldn't find a job at a hospital. So he opened a small clinic and put up a bold sign that read: “Cure for any disease for $20 — If you’re not cured, get $100 back!” One day, a clever American lawyer saw the sign. “This looks like a scam,” he thought, “but maybe I can make a quick $100!” He walked in, feeling confident. Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.” Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops in his mouth.” Lawyer: “Ugh! That’s kerosene!” Doctor: “Perfect! Your taste is back. That’ll be $20.” A few days later, the lawyer came back. Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.” Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops.” Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!” Doctor: “Wonderful! Your memory is restored. That’s $20.” Still determined, the lawyer tried one last time. Lawyer: “Doctor, my eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!” Doctor: “Ah, sorry — no cure for that. Here’s your $100.” The doctor handed him… $20. Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute — this is only $20!” Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is back. That’ll be $20.”

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.” The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.” And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?” [Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)

A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life... Doctor: Give your husband viagra. Lady: I can't, he hates pills. Doctor: Just put it in his coffee. Next week she returns, unhappy. Doctor: Was it good? Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and fucked me on it right then and there. Doctor: Well, then what's wrong? Lady: I'll never be able to show my face at Starbucks again. ---- Edit: To the guys saying that's not how Viagra works. Use some imagination damnit! Assume details if you have to.

You want me to answer your office phone for you while I am working from home? Several years ago, a friend ("Mark") started a home-based computer software business. He and his wife lived in their home for about 10 years and had a well-established home phone number. This was around the time that cell phones were just beginning to be popular, so 95% of people still used mainly landlines. Mark worked 2pm-10pm, the same shift as his wife, so his customers could be free to discuss their computer needs uninterrupted after their own businesses closed for the day. Most computer maintenance still had to be done in person instead of remotely, so customers could drop off devices after work and pick them up from Mark’s back porch on their way to work the next day. All went swimmingly for a few months until a new doctor opened up a practice in town, complete with a telephone number differing from Mark’s by one digit. Mark's number had a ‘3’ where the medical office had an ’8’ in the last 4 number combination. Misdialing was frequent. At first there were occasional calls to which Mark would patiently redirect the caller. As time wore on and the practice got more and more referrals from local hospitals to give Dr. Newintown an established client base, the calls began to come at all hours, 24 hours a day: weekends nights holidays you name it. The office still got calls after hours to an answering service for patients to find out who was on call, and for the hospital staff to reach doctors after hours. Mark had to unplug the phone just to have a conversation over lunch with his wife, and in order to sleep. Also not ideal when you have 3 daughters of dating age out after dark. Mark called the doctor’s office and asked them to please change their phone number so he and his family could get some peace and quiet, and so he could build his own business to support them. Since he had his phone longer, he felt the doctor should be gracious and change his number to a different one to stop the confusion. He was told in about so many words by the doctor that it was too bad, but nothing was going to be done, as advertising, stationery, business cards and signage were expensive to redo, not to mention convey the new information to all his patients, medical registries, the medical board and societies, and hospitals. "Just do the best you can, I'm sure the calls will stop soon. Good luck to you!" "Okey Dokey!! I'll do my best to take care of things!" Mark cheerfully replied. After that, Mark began to field all the calls that came in personally. "You've had the sniffles all morning after working in the yard around pollen? You'd better come right in!" “You start coughing every time you smoke a cigarette? Come on in!!” “Hmm…I’m not the doctor, but a temperature of 98.9 sounds a little high to me. We’ll see you right after lunch today.” "You're new in town and have kids who need physicals and shots for school next week? It just so happens we have an opening in an hour. No, no, don't worry we can take all 5 of them at once, today." Whatever the problem was, he started making appointments for each and every person calling. All were delighted to have such personal attention and prompt appointments. "Sure, we take ALL insurance plans. Come right in!" He also made routine checkup type appointments for 4:30 pm one Friday afternoon for 6 different people. Bright and early the next Monday morning, Dr. Newintown called and begged him to stop. Mark said :"I will if you will." The doctor had a new phone number before the end of the week.

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.... The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye. The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar. "No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says. "Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose". The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?" Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!" To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said: “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.” Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery. When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe. He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not? He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.” Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said. Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly. “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked. Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.” “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.” “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied. After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?” “Sure,” Fred said. The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.” Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.” The tailor shook his head and said: “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

Doctor, I have a sexual problem. "Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A white man goes to a doctor and says "I wanna be black!'' The doctor responds, ''We 'll have to make you 80% darker and 30% dumber." "OK" After surgery, Doctor: ''Oh! no, we accidently made you 80% dumber and 30% darker." Man: ''Que''

Im just fucking with you. This woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it. Smashing it around the hospital room, dropkicking it, etc. The mother is freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging and asking "WHYYYYY?!?!". The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says "Im just fucking with you. It was born dead."

As my 6 year old son was getting stitches from a fall, he asked the doctor if he could get "the special stitch" Asking what he meant he said, "Daddy told me I was extra special because if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have gotten that special stitch and I want to have one too!"

Will I Live to see 80? Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He said I was doing fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then He asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive motor-cycles, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic... As it’s going down the doctor shouts “We need to get the children to the lifeboats!” The lawyer, thinking more for his own hide shouts “No! Fuck the kids!” The priest says “Guys we don’t have time for both!”

A female-to-male trans person goes to the doctor He says "Doc, I don't think these hormones you're giving me are working." "Why do you say that?" asks the doctor. "Well, I'm here, aren't I? Shouldn't I be at home toughing it out by now?"

A man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't had sex with him in six months. The doctor then has the wife come in, and asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more. The woman tells him, "For the past six months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take 'or what.'" By this time I'm late for work so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write you up for being late or what?' I need the job, so I take 'or what.'" At the end of the day I take the cab and I still don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so I take 'or what.'" "So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm exhausted and I don't want sex any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the woman and says, "So are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes. The doctor says it's terminal.

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and a Prada purse. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?" She tells the doctor, "I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind ... but I'm ashamed to tell you where." "It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone." "Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

“Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!” Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic.. An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

This is for Robin Williams A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'" The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented." The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci." Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP. Edit: The "joke" ~~is from~~ I saw in Watchmen. It was the first thing I thought of upon hearing about his death and that it was as a result of a suicide. I don't have the words to rationalize my posting it. I'm just saddened immensely by his loss for I, like many others, loved Robin for his comedy and respected him for who he was as a person.

You don't want to see the doctor right here? No problem. I was an ER charge nurse a few years back at a busy facility. In order to increase capacity during busier times, we frequently would bring patients to hallway gurneys to be seen by the doctor. It's not a great setup, literally just a journey in the hallway in front of the nursing desk. But, if the rooms are clogged with patients waiting on beds upstairs, etc, it's a commonly used workaround. So, one night a few years back, we're busy, and non-emergent patients are waiting for hours in the lobby. I am using hallway gurneys to increase throughput. I'm putting stable patients who don't need cardiac monitors into the hallway. So, I bring the next patient from the lobby to a hall gurney. Let's call her "Karen." Karen is bitching because she's been waiting hours. Since American healthcare is all about kissing ass and patient satisfaction, I can't tell her that she's been waiting because her medical complaint would be dumb to take to urgent care, let alone an emergency room. We get to the hallway spot and she pitches a fit. "I've been waiting for hours, I deserve to be in a room, not the hallway," and other shit like that. She sees an open doorway to an empty room and demands that we go there. I say that a different patient will be going into that room, and explain that Karen doesn't need a cardiac monitor for her visit. Karen crosses her arms and says something like, "I don't care, that room is available, so you have to let me use it." I had a department to run, and I was tired of her entitled bullshit. Pointing at the hallway gurney, I said, "Are you refusing to see the doctor in this space?" Her eyes lit up, apparently thinking she had won, and Karen said, "YES, I won't be seen right here!" I said, "No problem." I waved at the security guard a few yards away and said, "Hey Tom, this lady would like to leave now." Karen looked shocked, then started saying she never said that. I reminded her that she clearly stated that she refused to be seen in this bed, and so she was going to have to continue to wait in the lobby until a room became available. She tried to backtrack and said something like, "Fine, I'll see the doctor here." I just shook my head and said, "It's too late for that. You have already refused. Tom will escort you back to the lobby and we'll call you back to a room as soon as we can." Security walked her to the lobby, and she pretty quickly decided to just leave without being seen. ETA: I'm being vague on some points on purpose, #HIPAA. But, her particular complaint was a bullshit reason to come to the ER. She was NOT going to have to disrobe or change into a gown, so visual privacy was not a real concern (it was a more private environment than a crowded lobby, that's for sure). I would also like to say that I was doing her a favor by letting her be seen in the hallway. I had real emergencies that needed the monitored beds, and it would have been negligent of me to give her one of those beds while making a real emergency wait longer. I was putting non-emergent patients into hallway beds to do them a favor so that they could be seen and discharged sooner. My staff was already busy with their own patients. So, these were my own patients that I was fitting in while running a 50 bed ER.

When the doctor frantically asked my husband which of us to save, I was relieved that we’d discussed this before my labor began. My heart nearly stopped when my husband said without hesitation, “Save the baby”.

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

A pregnant woman expecting twins fell into a coma. While she was unconscious, she gave birth. When she finally woke up, the doctors told her that everything went fine and her brother had named the babies. She panicked and said, “Oh no… my brother is an idiot. What did he name them?” The doctor said, “Well, for the girl, he chose Denise.” She sighed in relief. “Okay… that’s actually not bad. What about the boy?” The doctor replied: “…Denephew.”

A man told his doctor he was afraid his wife was going deaf “She rarely ever answers when I talk to her.” “Here’s a simple test. Stand 15 feet away behind her and ask a question in your normal voice. Move closer in 3 feet increments until she answers.” He goes home and sees her at the stove cooking. Perfect chance to test her hearing. “What’s for dinner?” No answer, so he moves from 15 to 12 feet. “What’s for dinner?” No answer, so he moves in to 9 feet. “What’s for dinner?” Nothing. On to 6 feet. “What’s for dinner?” Nothing. This is bad, he thinks. He moves to 3 feet. “What’s for dinner?” “For the fifth fucking time, CHICKEN!” she shouts.

HR are there to protect the company. Not their employees I've been struggling with my mental health for many years. Up till a few months ago, I was still able to keep up at work even through extreme client pressure. Then I started begging for help because I was struggling a lot. They promised to move me to a different team with less pressure, but kept moving the goal posts, telling me that they couldn't find a replacement due to client requirements. Early this morning they ambushed me with a meeting with our HR director to give me 2 options. Either I get fired after a disciplinary hearing, or go on disability. I've been begging for disability for months, so naturally I was really happy to go with option 2 as I have good income insurance through the company. Then the HR head bitch demanded that I get the doctor's paperwork done today. I'd already been in contact with the doctor and she couldn't get it done because she'd just returned from leave and had a huge backlog. The HR bitch demanded that I go to the doctor's office to get it done today. I was feeling utterly malicious when I complied. Even though it meant a 2 hour drive with the distance and traffic. I got there and managed to chat to my doctor for 2 minutes in-between appointments and she requested permission to be rude to the HR bitch and I told her to go for it. I don't know what she said in that email, but the HR bitch was suddenly VERY reasonable. Now I have a full week to get the paperwork done. I'm happy. The HR bitch is the wife of the CEO and the company is about to take a huge hit because the client has found alternatives. So its going to hugely hit their bank accounts. It gives me a very happy, fuzzy feeling. I gave YEARS of loyal service and they're going to get their karma very soon even if my malicious compliance is a drop in the bucket.

After weeks of irritation I finally caught the tip of the hair in the corner of my eye, and gave it a good hard yank. According to the doctor, the other end being wrapped around my optic nerve meant it acted like a little guillotine…

A women goes to the doctor all black and blue... Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the women comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" **EDIT:** Well this turned into a huge debate. Glad I could make so many people happy and angry at the same time with my first front page post!

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!" To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

As far back as I can remember, my father always told me the world was no place for a blind Christian girl. When my father died and I was taken into care, doctors explained to me that my medical records revealed no birth defects and I had entered this world with both eyeballs.

A man suffered from headaches and didn’t realize it was due to a rare condition He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn't give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who can fix the situation. The doctor told him, "The good news is I can fix your headaches so you'll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He saw a tailor shop and thought, "A new suit is fit for a new man, and for my new beginning". After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, "Hmm... Looking at you, you are size 44 long." The man surprised asked, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly. The man realizing he needed a shirt for the suit and asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" The tailor responded again, "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. The tailor said "How about some underwear?" The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a size 36." The man laughed catching the tailor. "Ah ha! You're wrong! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head, "No, buddy, you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

The doctor told me that the parasite inside me was there to stay until the end of term. He said it will fall out with what's left of my baby when it's time to give birth.

As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches… My doctor said it's my grains.

I hate when Doctors asks questions such as: "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.

A man wakes up one morning and farts. It sounds like "Honda!" This puzzles him, so he does it again. "Honda!" He makes an appointment with his doctor to get that checked out. When he demonstrates for the doctor (Honda!) the doctor says "Don't worry; I've seen this before. Go down the hall, three doors to the left and see the dentist." "Dentist!" says the man. "This has nothing to do with my teeth!" The doctor says "Trust me; I've seen this before." So the man goes down the hall and demonstrates for the dentist: (Honda!) The dentist says that he's seen this before and asks him to sit in the chair. He pulls a rotten tooth and shows it to the man. "Look, this tooth was rotten." The man farts again and it sounds perfectly normal! He says "This is insane. How do you explain this?" The dentist looks him straight in the eye and tells him "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

A bear joke An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A couple goes to a sex therapist.. A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

My Doctor walked in saying, "I have your test results..." "... You need to stop masturbating." Shocked, I asked, "Why Doctor?" My Doctor immediately snapped back, yelling, "'Cause you're distracting me from reading you your test results!"

How about an Indian joke? A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?" A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?" She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, "Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!" Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.

The doctor forced a calm voice as he told the pregnant woman, “The ultrasound confirms it’s a boy.” Behind him, the nurse stifled a scream as the monitor showed the foetus waving at them.

My doctor told me I can masterbate any time I want. His official words were "I could have a stroke at any moment" but it's cool I understood what he ment.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

"Mommy, you finally woke up!" the child beamed excitedly as the doctor brought him into the room. Before the coma, I did not have any children.