200+ Best Dad Jokes

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌. "Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌" ‌‌ Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌" ‌‌ "Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌" ‌‌ "OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌" ‌‌ "Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌. ‌‌ Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌" ‌‌ "Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency. Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

If you can't say it to your 5 yr old kid, its not a dad joke. I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either. IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE. dad jokes are clean, thats why they're ***dad*** jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes. I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Dads are like boomerangs. I hope.

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad* Dad: *Clenches fist* Mom: "Don't!" Dad: *Sweats Profusely* Mom: "..." Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12! A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a bar.. The doorman stops them and says "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old* Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have? Me: Two. You have two, son. Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here! The student has become the teacher.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.” Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated. Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10. "Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays. Hey‌‌, i‌‌t'‌‌s w‌‌orkin‌‌g t‌‌hink‌‌s L‌‌ittl‌‌e J‌‌ohnny. A‌‌n h‌‌ou‌‌r l‌‌ater‌‌, D‌‌a‌‌d c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌om‌‌e f‌‌ro‌‌m w‌‌ork‌‌. J‌‌ohnn‌‌y g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌: "‌‌Dad‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything." Da‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s J‌‌ohnn‌‌y $‌‌100‌‌. "‌‌Don'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l M‌‌om‌‌", h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays. Jus‌‌t t‌‌hen‌‌, t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n k‌‌nock‌‌s o‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oor‌‌. J‌‌ohnn‌‌y o‌‌pen‌‌s i‌‌‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌. "‌‌‌‌I k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything‌‌, M‌‌ister." Th‌‌e m‌‌ailma‌‌n d‌‌rop‌‌s a‌‌l‌‌l h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌ail‌‌, h‌‌i‌‌s e‌‌ye‌‌s t‌‌ea‌‌r u‌‌‌‌p a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e s‌‌ays: "Wel‌‌l t‌‌he‌‌n J‌‌ohnny‌‌, c‌‌om‌‌e g‌‌iv‌‌e D‌‌add‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ug."

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.” Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on.... my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Not a joke. But I wish it was. I am not a dad. I am a daughter. For longer than I can remember, I have called my dad at "too early" times in the morning, woke him up, and told him a joke. This was a daily occurrence. Hence how I found this sub. My dad died on Monday. You guys helped me wake him up with laughter so many times and I got to hear him laugh every day. Thank you r/dadjokes. Edit: spelling Wow I really did not expect so many people to see this post or to take the time to comment and reach out to me. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and kind words. It really means a lot. This is a great community and I'm so glad to have found it. As a mom to two beautiful little jokesters, I will absolutely continue pestering them with daily jokes and keep the tradition and the laughter alive. For those asking, his favorite jokes were the really long ones that took forever to tell and had bad/ the best punchlines. The one that immediately sticks out was posted here either Sunday or Monday and was the last one I got to tell him. I will see if I can find it and figure out how to link. It was about a farmer who really loved tractors. Thank you to the kind redditors who found it for me. https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/slwg7y/bit_of_a_story_to_this_one_but_well_worth_the_read/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!" Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement. When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse. The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight." The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.” Wife: “No you’re not.”

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex. All the slides were just pictures of me.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?” Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million: 1. Get up at 5:00AM every day 2. 90 minutes of cardio 3. Take a cold shower 4. Journal 5. Schedule out your day 6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company 7. Meditate

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?' 'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.' So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .' The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.' Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around" "Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl." Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!! Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room... Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper. my bad pops, sorry.. *shuts the door* Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the kitchen! Our pot head rushes to the kitchen, opens the door and sees the same thing, his father is sitting there and reading a newspaper. Uhm... sorry pops... *shuts the door * Shit, he is fast.... Then I am going to hide in the balcony!! Rushes to the balcony, opens the door and the same thing... dad sitting there with the newspaper... but before he gets to apologize his pops goes Son, you open the bathroom door one more time, I am gonna come out and beat the shit out of you. I did my best to translate this joke from Armenian to English. Sorry for my bad grammar. Edit: Thank you guys for the support. Got my first Gold!!

This just happened in real life, and I got not even a chuckle. True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say… “Here, let me give you a hand” She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.

Afternoon Sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.” Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother. ^Edit: ^Fixed ^grammar ^+ ^tenses.

Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock. (I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it) Edit: Deleted the long edits. Thanks for the gold. Feel free to repost and make it better.

Having homosexual parents must be terrible Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! " P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”

Today I understand why dad jokes are a true stereotype Never understood why dads and corny jokes were a thing. I did notice it's a mostly true thing. But I understand today. Asked my four year old what an 8 is. He doesn't know so I enlightened him that it's a zero with a belt. Lost. His. Shit. He's just mastered numbers and letters and this was hysterical to him. I'm the funniest man alive. He's told the joke back to me about twenty times. Today. Teenagers, this is why dads tell those jokes. They're chasing the indescribable high of this moment with a little kid. I found them cringeworthy as a teenager, but I get it now.

I got into an argument with a kid on an online video game. I was like "you need to learn some respect. I'm old enough to be your stepdad" And he was like "yeah if that happened you'd live with my mom instead of yours" @TimRossComedy

FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight." Me: "But you already own her home." [Dad](https://www.reddit.com/u/psybermonkey15?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share): -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will." Credit to u/psybermonkey15

I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad. I’m a faux pa. Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected. I feel like a father figure now.

I have a simple standard for dadjoke quality: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard But no pun in ten did. Edit- HOLY FUCK I made the front page. I'm not even a dad I don't deserve this

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

My wife said that everything on this subreddit was stupid, unfunny puns... But I made [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/98ei4l/otherwise) post yesterday that says otherwise. Obligatory Edit: I have so many people to thank for gold, but I think [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/98ovi1/it_all) says it all.

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent. So today, a subreddit.

Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark. ​ Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to [Boot Camp for New Dads](https://www.bootcampfornewdads.org).

Dad-ception

My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter". Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter." Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying. Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. It's a baby girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz. I am a Dad!

My Dad was diagnosed with cancer 14 years ago, but it has never gotten any better or worse. The cancer's been completely dormant for 14 years. My father has cancer the same way I have a Liberal Arts degree: I have one, it doesn't really do anything... but if I tell people about it, it makes them sad. facebook.com/davidrosecomedy IG: sodadiver

My dad just died. This isn’t a joke, I’m lost. I remember at his dads funeral he told me: Why do they put fences around cemetery’s? Because people are dying to get in. I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts. I said "hey look, an escaPEA" No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so! Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

My 12 year old daughter hit me with this one last night. Daughter: “Dad, do you know how non-binary people harm each other?” Dad: *Puzzled, confused look* “Um, no…how?” Daughter: “They / them”. (They slash them) Dad: “I’m so proud”

I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell. So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’ Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo. Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at! Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper! Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this. Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good. Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

Said something to my doctor performing my vasectomy she had never heard. I'm disappointed in you all if you don't say it. So I'm laying on the table, pants off and ready to be snipped. The doctor makes sure all her tools are ready, then asks: "Are you ready Redbaron1701?" I responded with: "Sure. Go nuts." She had to step away from the table she was laughing so hard. She said no one jokes during their vasectomy, and she had never heard that one. Be better. Joke with your dick doc. Edit: holy hell every single one of you has given me a dad joke and I can't even begin to sort them. Edit 2: my top post is now a joke about my testicles. Reddit is alive and well.

When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."

An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: C

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars... ... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran. Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with, "Hola milk, soy dad."

My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... I told her that they /r/dadjokes…

NSFW jokes just don't really feel right in this sub I've been in this sub for a year or 2 and I absolutely love it. One thing that has kinda annoyed me is that NSFW jokes are posted here. Don't get me wrong I don't hate them, I usually like them it just feels out of place; they feel more suited for r/unclejokes. Maybe this is just me seeing dad jokes as more child like or dorky puns not as more adult only type of jokes. I definitely understand if this is an unpopular opinion but it has just been something I have noticed since I have been on the sub. Edit: for those of you looking for the punchline I regret to inform you we ran out 2 hours ago I didn't expect so many people to show up I'll prepare better next time.

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

Groaned a whole store with this one. I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked: "I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!" To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation." The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.

My dad always said, “ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.” “She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.”

The two unwritten rules of the dadjokes subreddit: 1: 2:

Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post. This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back EDIT: Thanks for all the karma; I really don’t deserve it.

SERIOUS: This subreddit needs to understand what a "dad joke" really means. I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke. Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

I was named after my dad Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him

My 9-year-old daughter just made a dad joke to be super proud of! My 15 year old asked me to call the dog. Me: What should I call him?! 15: ugh, dad, call him by his name! Wife: But he doesn't have a phone, how can I call him? 9-year-old: Well he DOES have collar ID! I couldn't be more proud of that child!

I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them. I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them! UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🤩

Sad News: The founder of /r/dadjokes has passed away RIP Larry Tessler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy, and Paste, died age 74

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted. "Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes. It's a faux pa.

My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!” I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

I'm on the couch playing video games when my dad walks in with a tape measure About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me. It gets closer and closer until it eventually smushes against my cheek. I ask him "What are you doing?" "I'm measuring your patience."

A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " .. .. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "

What’s better than a Dad bod? A father figure.

My very first dad joke as an actual dad. *On the day my daughter was born* Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant. I never got a straight answer.

I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead. I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time. Edit: this joke was straight up [stolen](https://teamcoco.com/video/nick-nemeroff-09-25-18) from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

I have finally made it I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte". I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window

Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him. Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush. Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke? Dad: Knock Knock. Me: Who’s there?

8yo nephew's an early bloomer. Gets home, tells his dad, "There was a kidnaping at school today." Dad: "What!?!" 8yo, dead serious, - "It's okay, dad... He woke up." Doesn't even smile. Walks away.

From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?" "I don't know, bud, what?" "Your legs." Well done, kid.