100+ Animal Jokes

A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. .... It was a shitzu. EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)

Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media. w**H**o the h**E**ll would be**L**ieve such a thing can hap**P**en.

For my final wish, I asked the Genie to give me the ability to speak to and understand all animals. I had to burn all the CDs of whale song I used to fall asleep, what they whispered was never meant to leave the depths.

A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men. After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river. The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line. Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions. Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar bear.

Do cats stutter? A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'....And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Good animal joke A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

When I heard the sound of an animal brush against our tent, I shook my girlfriend awake and whispered, "Babe, wake up". I froze in horror when I heard an imitation of my voice croak back at me from outside the tent, "Babe, wake up".

"You know how dogs will get their teeth into the gaps in stuffed animals to pull the stuffing out?" I sobbed. The examiner nodded, jotting down notes as his partner pulled a sheet over what was left of Sasha.

The dead cow lecture First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor". "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? cancer.

An Australian walks into a US bar... ...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!" "Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!" He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin. "Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks. A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!" "We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

When the government announced that aliens had replaced every animal on the planet, pet owners avenged their companions by slaughtering the so-called “aliens” once they turned aggressive. Suicide rates skyrocketed when it was revealed that the government had lied.

A Duck walks into a pub.. He hops on to the bar stool and says to the bartender “Pint please mate!” The barman looks at him in utter shock. “But you’re a duck how are you tal..” The duck stops him. “Yeah yeah i get it all the time mate. im a bricklayer and theres a new housing estate being built not to far away from here and to be honest I’ve had a hard day id just like a couple of pints in peace please.” Barman pours his pint and doesn’t ask anything more. The duck comes in every night after work for his two pints and then goes home. On the Saturday a Ringmaster of a circus comes into the pub and asks the barman if he can hang his posters in his window to advertise his show. The barman see’s an opportunity and explains to the ringmaster he has the perfect act for him. A talking Duck!! The ringmaster couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this he’d makes thousands. The barman asks to share the money he would make for getting the ringmaster his star attraction. The ringmaster agrees and they shake on it. The following Monday the duck comes back in after his shift at work. “Ive got a right job for you.” he says. “Oh yeah whats that then?” Asks the duck “A circus!” The barman replies excitedly The duck looks at the barman in confusion and asks. “A circus with clowns?” “Yeah” says the barman “With the big tent?” “Yeah” says the barman. “move from town to town? With performing animals?” “Yeah yeah exactly!” Says the barman The duck looks up at him and says “What the fuck do they want a bricklayer for?!”

I just had a mole removed from my penis. The animal shelter said if it happens again they’re going to press charges.

I was overjoyed to be told at the Pearly Gates that all animals, being innocent, had been saved in the kingdom of heaven. However it was not my childhood dog who greeted me as I entered, but the deafening buzz of every insect that had ever existed.

There are 500 bricks on a plane... - There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? 499 - What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge - What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge - The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator. - Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why? The alligators are all at the birthday party. - Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick

[DEC25] After hours under the scorching sun, our tribe finally found a herd of wild animals worth hunting. By the looks of it, there must be at least 8 billion of them.

"Sir, you can't bring 20 pounds of putrid animal flesh onto the flight. You'll have to leave it behind." "Oh, that?" said the vulture. "That's just my carrion."

My rubbish dog joke. A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'. The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!' The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?' Edit: Thanks for front page, but most importantly, adding to my collection of rubbish animal jokes!

The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

An Amish girl riding a horse and buggy gets pulled over by a cop "Excuse me ma'am I notice you have a broken reflector on your buggy," the cop says. "Oh sorry," she says "I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home to fix it." The cop continues "there's one other thing you need to get your husband to address. I see that one of your reigns loops across your horse's back and attaches to one of his testicles. That's animal abuse so have your husband take care of that right away!" "Ok" she replies. Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband she got pulled over by a cop. "What did he say?" the husband asks. "He said the reflector is broken," she answers. "No problem I'll fix that now." he replies. "Did he say anything else?" She replies "yes but I really didn't understand. It had something to do with the emergency brake."

A man is walking through the woods... when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

An atheist was walking through the woods. An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees"! "What powerful rivers"! "What beautiful animals"! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It w ould be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Why are the two lesbians vegan? They don’t like using animal-products

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

My daughter killed a butterfly, so to punish her, I said: “no more butter for a week”. Today, she killed a cockroach... Her killing small animals for fun is really scaring me, they might be just bugs for nows, but who knows what will happen in the near future. I’m afraid just punishing her is not effective anymore. I booked an appointment with a therapist, I really hope this’ll help.

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?" "The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road... Of course, their car breaks down and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours and as the sun is setting they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers the door and the trio explain their situation. The farmer says "welp, ain't nobody 'round here can help y'all til the morning. But y'all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y'all are gonna have to bed down in the barn 'cause I only got two spare beds, ya see." So the trio draws straws and the Jew gets the short one. So he goes out to the barn to sleep and everyone else goes to bed. A few minutes later the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says "I can't sleep in the barn. There's a pig in there. It's forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal." So they wake up the Hindu and he agrees to swap places with the Jew and everyone goes back to bed. A few minutes later the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says "I can't sleep in the barn. There's a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal." So they wake up the lawyer and he goes out to sleep in the barn and everyone goes back to bed. A few minutes later the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and there's a pig and a cow standing there.

I just got the ability to understand what animals say so I went to the woods to see how it worked **I heard meowing in the bushes in front of me and was confused, until I saw a bird above me say “what’s that human doing?”**

There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left? 499. What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge. What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge. The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge. Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how? The alligators are all at the birthday party. Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Some people say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat

A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

12 of my favorite anti-jokes. 1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation. 2. How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her. 3. What's red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. 4. I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis. 5. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 6. Why doesn't jesus play hockey? Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in mexico. 7. What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. 8. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither is a police officer. 9. Why isn't Helen Keller a good driver? Because she's dead. 10. Why did the old lady put roller skates on her walker? She has dementia. 11. Why did the dinosaur break through the brick wall? I don't know, that's why I'm asking you the question. 12. An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree. The squirrel looks at the owl and says, nothing because animals can't talk. The owl then continues to eat the squirrel, because it's a bird of prey. Bonus!: A gorilla walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a banana martini please." The bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and becomes aware that he's actually dreaming. He wakes up and begins to tell his wife about the crazy dream he just had. His wife ignores him, and the man cries through the rest of the night with the realization that his marriage is in shambles.

Stuttering Cat A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.... And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up... When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes. "Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly. "Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine." "That's right!" He says. After she strips, he starts groping her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now? "Sure," she says, "you're checking for lumps." The doctor, growing more bold, slips his finger between her legs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes, you're checking for any problems down there." "That's exactly right!" The doctor says. He can't contain himself any longer and proceeds to pull out his cock and begin thrusting it in and out of her like a crazed animal. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" The doctor asks, panting. The woman responds, "Yes, you're getting herpes."

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor... An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." [Not OC of course, but I haven't seen this posted here yet.]

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall... He asks the bartender, "What the heck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"

During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation... ... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead. A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment. Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle. Instead of his lost arm, they gave him an arm from a gorilla. Instead of his lost penis, they gave him an elephant trunk. A month after surgery, he had a checkup to see if there was any rejection or whatnot. And since this was a medical science breakthough, there were a lot of interested doctors that had come to see what had happened. The surgeon who performed the transplant asked the man how his eye had worked? The man says "Oh, it's great! My vision has improved a lot. I can spot people miles away, and I find anything I'm looking for without any problems." "How has the gorilla arm woked for you?" "It's great! It really helps me at work lifting heavy things, and I am more popular; When the guys want to arm wrestle, I win every time, and it also seems to attract the ladies as well!" "Alright, how has the elephant trunk worked out for you then?" "Well, I don't want to complain or anything, but it keeps trying to stuff grass into my arse..." *ed: speling*

My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.” I said, “Thank you very much! I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please!!"

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

The Rabbit A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time." The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, glares and nods towards the sky..."Quiet you fool....they're getting closer."

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole. Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it into the hole. They wait and wait, but they don't hear anything happen. Suddenly, a donkey comes running full speed ahead and just leaps into the sinkhole. The two men are shocked, "Did you see that donkey!? I've never seen an animal sprint like that!" Minutes later, a farmer comes sprinting into the scene and says, "Guys! Have you seen my donkey? He was just on the farm and completely took off!" One of the men answers back, "He was just here! He came sprinting through the woods and took a leap into this sink hole!" The farmer answers back, "No, that's absolutely impossible. He was tied to an anvil."

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this disgusting act. The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000." "What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. They're gonna find me guilty for sure." "Don't you worry none," says the lawyer. "The key to any trial is the jury, and believe me, I know how to pick a jury." So Jed reluctantly agrees to hire him. The day of the trial, the neighbor gets on the witness stand to testify. He says, "I was walkin' along my property when I seen old Jed over there approach one of his goats, drop his drawers, and mount that poor animal from behind. After about two minutes old Jed appeared to be finished." "What happened then?" asks the prosecutor. "Well," says the neighbor, "Then that goat turned around and licked Jed's pecker." A gasp went up in the courtroom, and old Jed had all but given up hope when a juror in overalls leans over toward the fellow next to him and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that."

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.

There's 500 bricks in a plane. How many are there if you throw one out? "499" There are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator. What are they? Open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge. There are four steps to putting a deer in the fridge. What are they? Open the fridge, take the elephant out, put the deer in, close the fridge. The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals are there but one. Why is that? The deer is in the fridge. A woman wants to cross an alligator infested swamp. How does she do it? She crosses normally because the alligators are at the Lion King's party. She dies anyways. Why? She gets hit in the head with a brick.

How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose? A couple calves, an ass, ten little piggies, a beaver, a shit load of hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find!

having sex for pleasure Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?" The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead." "Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "my point exactly."

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

Gorilla in my tree! A guy goes outside to mow the lawn and sees a gorilla up in his tree. He calls animal control, they say the gorilla is from the zoo and they will send an expert over right away. The expert shows up in a van, opens up the van and removes a coil of rope, a net, a pointy stick, a pet carrier with a dog in it, and a shotgun. The homeowner looks at these tools and says "How is this going to work?" The expert says "I'm going to use the rope to climb up the tree. I poke the gorilla with the stick, the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog run over and hold the gorilla by biting him on the balls, then you throw the net over the gorilla until I can get down and put him in the van." The guy says "OK, but what's the shotgun for?" The expert says "If the gorilla knocks *me* out of the tree, *you shoot that fucking dog!*"

Bob is driving home when he sees a sign; "Talking dog for sale"... ...wondering if he's read it correctly, he pulls over and gets out to read it again. Sure enough, it says "Talking dog for sale", and having nowhere to be decides to go in. Bob knocks on the door, and well dressed man answers; "Yes?". "I'm here about the 'talking dog'. What does he say; 'Roof'?" asks Bob incredulously. The well dressed man sighs and calls out; "Hey Skip, get in here and introduce yourself." With that a golden retriever happily bounds out from around the corner and stops in front of Bob, looks him dead in the eye, and says "Hi there, I'm Skip." Bob is dumbfounded. "That's a talking dog. You're a talking dog." And turning back to the well dressed man; "You have a talking dog." The well dressed man rolls his eyes; "Skip, tell him what you do." "Oh, well I started off as a bomb sniffing dog in Iraq where I helped clear the roads for transports, and when I came home I volunteered at the local children's hospital for animal therapy, and now I work part time as a seeing eye dog for the elderly downtown." says Skip cheerfully. "That's fucking amazing!" says Bob, turning to the owner "Why would you ever want to sell this dog?!" "Cause he's a fucking liar, he hasn't done any of that stuff..."

The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can't get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released… WHO let the dogs out

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know..." he says to the gorilla."We don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

How do you get into Heaven? When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" Tim answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, Tim answered, "NO!" The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him. Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

What's the worst animal to play cards with? A cheetah. Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves... So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A parole officer makes a house visit... He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get clean?" With arms crossed, he waits for an answer, then finally gets it, "What can I say, I'm an attic." (Jesus christ, what am I doing with my life. 28 years old, stoned like a philistine and taking far, far too long to come up with this fucking joke and for what? A few upvotes that slowly plummet like a certain interim CEO's career. End with zero upvotes and three comments telling me that this non joke made them want to physically strangle the last remaining animal of an endangered species. I am not a man.)

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!" She: "I will do that right away, officer." The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again. He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!" She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."

What do you get when you cross an angry sheep with an angry cow? Two animals in a baaaaad mooooood

In the beginning, God created the dog. He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by." The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you are to entertain and bring joy to others." The monkey replied, "20 years is a long time to do that. What if I do it for 10 years and give you back the rest of the time?" God agreed. He proceeded to create the cow to which He told, "For 40 years, you are to slave and provide others with milk and labor." The cow protested, "That's a long time to do that. What if I do half and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He finally created man and said to him, "For 25 years, you are to eat, sleep, marry, and have fun." Man asks, "Only 25 years? That's not nearly enough time. Couldn't you give me the remainder of the time that the animals gave back?" God agreed. That is why now after marriage, we spend 20 years slaving and providing for our family, 10 years entertaining our grandchildren, and 10 more years sitting near the door and barking at whoever walks by.

What do you call a vet that can only work on one animal? A doctor

Three blondes were walking through a forest... Three blondes were walking through a forest when they came across a set of tracks. They stopped, bewildered, wondering what animal could have made them. The first blonde says, "I know, those are moose tracks." The second blonde goes, "no, those are bear tracks." The third blonde says, "guys, those are definitely wolf tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly. The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see her every night while driving my route. Every night she is at the graveyard, praying. If you really want to have sex with her, just dress up as jesus, go there at night and tell her she HAS TO have sex with you!" "Sounds like a solid plan" thinks the guy and decides to go through with it. He dresses up as jesus, goes to the graveyard and finds the nun there. He approaches her and says "Behold! It is I, Jesus Christ! I order you to have sex with me!". The nun looks suprised and flustered and says "Of course my lord! Whatever you say! But could we please do it anally? I want to preserve my virginity." "Even better!" thinks the guy, and they proceed to have sex like wild animals. After they are finished the guy jumps up laughing, rips off his fake beard and says "Ha! Got you! I'm not jesus! I'm that guy from the bus!" The nun replies "Ha! Got you! I'm not the nun! I'm the bus driver!"

Married couple Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no"one" is looking, I'll expose 1of my breasts to it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' Mary then exposes 1 of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Edit: 2 Edit 2: one

Angry feminist told me that men are animals, men are pigs! So I told her that women are equal to men.

The Gorilla and the Redneck A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed. And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting. "Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!" Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots. "You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots." The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick. The rabbit cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs... "Why are you crying?" says the lion. "It hurts," says the rabbit. "And why the fuck are you laughing?" says the lion. "I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms."

Following "Parental" figure instructions About 20 years ago my siblings and myself lived mainly on a very small hobby farm with one parent and a step-"father". Living in the U.S., they were married when I started middle school and divorced when I was in my senior year of high school. He had a ton of issues, including anger management, and I was the only one willing to talk back to him. We also had multiple people, mostly other children, coming over to get lessons (given by myself) with the horses in exchange for their help. This was a huge help to me since my siblings did basically nothing with all the animals (chickens, turkeys, pigs, horses, cats), even though they were supposed to, so to keep them alive I took care of them over 80% of the time. Well this step-dickhead's rule was manure was to be dumped between two poles, and he was supposed to move the poles so the older piles would age into fertilizer, to be removed from the small property. Of course he would get aggressively mad at me when new manure would get tossed on older manure ready to get transported out, and would attempt to force me to have everyone follow his instructions. Well his instructions continued to be to dump waste between two poles. So I just kept that up. Until everything ended up blending together because he would not keep up with moving the poles. He blew up at me but I just reiterated his instructions back, which led to more anger from him, but being able to just repeat his instructions back that led to the mess he was mad about felt pretty damn good.

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.

An 86 year old man goes to the doctor with a perplexing issue... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said, >Things are great and I've never felt better. >I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. >So what do you think about that Doc? The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. >I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. >As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver siting at the water’s edge... >He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang bang'. >Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. >Now what do you think about that? asked the doctor. The 86 year-old said, >Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The doctor replied, >My point exactly.

Penguins and the cop Credit to u/Akatheerder A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over. He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?" "Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies. "I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves. The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He flips the siren on and pulls the truck over. Upon reaching the window he says, "Sir, I told you to take these animals to the zoo." "Yes officer, I did," replies the man. "Today we're going to the beach."

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole

A long series of jokes 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left? _502._ How do you put an elephant in a fridge? _Open door, put elephant in, close door._ How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? _Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door._ The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? _The giraffe. He's in a fridge._ Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How? _The gators are at the party._ Sally dies anyway. Why? _She got hit in the head by a flying brick._ --- **EDIT:** Dang, over 300 points? That's pretty surprising!

My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

People say filling animals with helium is wrong but i say, whatever floats your goat.

A rabbi, bishop, and islamic priest... **Edit**: Changing the title to... ###An orthodox priest, a bishop, and a Rabbi ...are arguing over whose religion is the best. The bishop says, "We should convert the fiercest bear we can find to our religion, for only the best religion should help be able to convert such a ferocious animal." The next day they set out to prove themselves. After a few hours the bishop returns with a bear. The bear is surprisingly tame and is busy reading the bible. Soon afterwards the orthodox priest returns with the bear that he converted. The two of them begin to discuss how they accomplished the feat and who did a better job. As time passes they begin to wonder where the rabbi was. At the end of the day they notice the rabbi hobbling towards them. The rabbi's neck is in a brace, his arm in a sling, and his face covered with numerous cuts and bruises. "What happened to you?" The bishop and priest ask. The rabbi replies in a raspy voice, "I guess circumcising him wasn't a good place to start."

Girls say I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

after a decade of research and development, we invented the transforming technology we read about in animorphs the first thing we did with the technology is transform and trap death row inmates to common farm animals and solve the world hunger.

Dead Cow Lecture First-year students at the OSU Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.

My eccentric but friendly neighbor gave me a wind chime made from the “bones of prey animals.” At first I found its wind-stirred whispers quite unnerving, but they’ve since convinced me of how lovely it would be to join the choir.

A cute one I heard from a friend at work. Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

the bear and his list It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor. The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list. Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?" Bear: "Yes, that's true." Deer: "And is my name on the list?" Bear: "Yep." In panic, the deer runs out of the cave and into the woods. The next day the other animals find the deer's corpse in the forest - brutally murdered and without his head. Then boar also decides to ask out the bear about his list and visits him in his cave. Boar: "So there's your list..." Bear: "Yes, that's my list." Boar: "You know... is my name on it?" Bear: "Yes, your name is on my list." Same as the deer, the boar flees in panic and the next day the animals also find the boar's corpse in the forest. So the rabbit starts to think about the situation. He decides also to visit the bear. Rabbit: "So, bear, I heard you have a death list." Bear: "Yes, I have a deathlist." Rabbit: "And is my name on this list?" Bear: "Yes, your name is also on my list." Rabbit: "Okay... is it possible to delete my name from the list?" The bear just responds: "Sure, no problem."

Adam is a little lonely... About a month or so after Adam was introduced to Eden, God and Adam are meeting for dinner. Adam expresses his admiration for the plants and the animals and the joy and beauty of it all, but admits that there is one little thing that he feels sad about: he feels a tiny bit lonely.... God quickly points out that he is already working on a solution: it is called a "woman," and is stunning to behold, beautiful and slim, would make company for Adam, would care for him when he's sick, attend to cooking and cleaning, make love to him whenever he wanted, and basically be a joy to be around. Adam is suitably impressed, and expresses his eagerness for this "woman" thing to be created. He is practically beside himself. "There is a catch, though," says God, "to create the woman I described I need both of your legs, and at least one arm." Adam hems and haws for a while, and then asks: "what can I get for one rib?"

Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?". The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom? A Trojan horse.

A chicken walks into a library... ...and she walks up to the counter and says, "book, booook, book book." So the librarian thinks briefly and comes back with Animal Farm. The hen wanders off with the book. Next day the hen is back, it has the book with it, the librarian returns the book and the hen goes, "book, boooook, book, book book." The librarian thinks what the hell and grabs it Of Mice and Men and the hen leaves. Next day sure enough the hen is back, book in beak, "book book boooook." Atlas Shrugged. "Book, booook." Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. "Book book."... you get the idea. This goes on for about a week until the librarian gets curious enough to follow the chicken and find out what's happening. So the next time the chicken comes in the Librarian books out one of Proust's works to slow it down down and follows the hen trying not to be seen. All the way past the outskirts of town, down over Old Farmer Giles' twisted stile. Through the Sweeping Woods and upto a pond, where the chicken shows the book to a frog, which replies. "Reddit."

Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....? For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound! *I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *

A man was driving along the highway... ... and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave!!..