50+ Witch Jokes

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people... At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death. Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens. There's never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free. Within a week's time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one. He doesn't care that he can't drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people. Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train. His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again. The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it. His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death. They ask him what he'd like for his last meal. "A single banana," he says. "Oh, no you don't, you son of a bitch. We're on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and you're not escaping this time!" The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler. The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens. "*Did you give him the banana?*" demands the head guard. "No, sir! He asked for the banana but we didn't give it to him, we swear!" says one of the guards. Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

Support kept using voice messages, so I gave them a taste of their own medicine Hi. I am a 35 year old IT manager for a small family run sales company. We recently moved from a very old ERP to a new platform that is modern, intuitive and much more efficient. Technically it is a great produt. The problem is support. Their in app support is fairly fast but they reply almost only using voice messages. I stopped listening to voice notes years ago because they break focus and force you to replay things just to get basic info. Text lets me read, search and solve. Audio just slows evrything down. I asked them many times to stop using audio and even told them I was hearing impaired. They ignored it. Yesterday the point of sale systems were not communicating with the local server, even though they were all online. I did my part and contacted support because it was beyond my pay grade. As usual the first reply was an audio message. When they asked for the remote access ID I sent it back as audio. Then I sent the password as audio too. Suddenly they switched to text. They asked for screenshots. Then they needed the admin credentials and I sent the long messy password with numbers, uppercase and lowercase letters via audio. From that point on everything was done in text, including todays follow up. Turns out they know exactly how annoying voice messages are. They just do not care until it becomes their problem.

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world... One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world. On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!" The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary ... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

A witch was flying on her broom when she noticed that all the witches she passed were flying on vacuum cleaners. She thought to herself, "Am I the only one who still drives a stick?"

Don’t want me start before 8:00? Fine. Years ago I worked for this complete psycho at a semi public service type place. Moody, arrogant (my first week there, she must have mentioned having a PhD/doctorate/I’m a doctor *at least* half a dozen times), and the biggest goddam snob I’ve ever met. We had flexible work hours, spread of hours between 7:00 am & 6:00 pm, signing on in 15 minute increments. If I had a really good run in traffic, sometimes I’d get there in time to sign on at 7:30 or 7:45. Well, psycho Dr didn’t like that, and said I couldn’t start before 8:00, despite everyone else in the office being allowed to. I explained that sometimes if the traffic was good I got in earlier than that, but she wouldn’t have it. Told me if I got in early, I could read through my work emails but I couldn’t sign on before 8:00, so basically she expected me to give 15-30 minutes free labor. Yeah, nah, screw that. So if I got in early, and the weather was nice, I’d sit outside, or if it wasn’t, I’d sit at my desk and read. My Kindle. Or play on my phone. And didn’t switch my computer on until bang on 8:00. Her boss came by early one morning wanting to collect something she’d left in the office for him, and of course the office wasn’t open and she demanded to know where I was. I reminded her that I wasn’t allowed to start before 8:00, which I could tell royally pissed her off, but there was nothing she could do about as I had the email trail to back me up. Small potatoes in terms of malicious compliance, but it made me feel good.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A man has a 25 inch long penis And he thinks it is way too big, and he looks for ways to make it smaller. One day, he finds out about a witch in the woods who can solve his problem. When he went to the witch, she told him to look for a frog by the stream and ask the frog to have sex with him. The frog will say no, and his penis will shrink by five inches. He goes to the frog, and asks him, "will you have sex with me?" The frog said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches. He thought this was great and asked again, "will you have sex with me?" The frog again said "no!" and his penis shrunk by five inches. The man was very pleased and thought his penis was still a little too big. He decided to ask the frog one last time, "will you have sex with me?" "How many times do I have to tell you? No! No! No!"

HOA President wanted heat! I manage a NYC condo with central A/C that, once switched to winter mode, can’t go back to cooling until spring. NYC law requires heat starting October 1st, but October swings from chilly to unseasonably warm, so we usually wait for a real cold stretch before turning it on. Tenants were fine with this for years — one chilly day was better than being unbearably hot for ten. Last year, the board president lost it over a slightly chilly day towards the middle of October . She sent an email demanding we turn on the heating system immediately and that going forward, the heat must always be on by October 1st — she didn’t care if other units would be uncomfortably warm and that she’s the board president, & she should be comfortable in her unit. This year, we followed her orders , on October 1st — heat on. At the annual meeting, tenants were furious. They wanted to know why a system that had worked for years was suddenly “broken.” The president started chewing me out forgetting her email the previous year. Not wanting to deal with her nonsense, I got the green light from my boss to pull up her own email on the projector. Her exact words, her exact demands. She went pale and, for the first time ever, had nothing to say. She lost her position in the election. Her replacement was very happy we called her out, and we renewed our contract for five more years

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

Boss looked like a fool courtesy of me I worked as a recruiter for a temp agency when I was young and fresh out of college. The manager of the agency was a total micromanager and wanted a say in absolutely everything. She micromanaged everyone so badly that she wanted to proofread any emails that any staff member was sending externally. She also want to be CCed on every single outgoing external email. One day one of my coworkers got a response back from an employer who gave some positive feedback about the email she wrote. Our manager made sure to reply all and take credit for the email and explained she oversees all outgoing emails. A few days later in a staff meeting she made a point of saying she should get credit for any feedback the agency receives since she proofreads everything. The thing is, this manager was not well spoken or smart and not even a particularly good writer. I regularly spotted issues with her sentence structure and use of commas but just didn't say anything. One day she's proofreading one of my emails that would be going externally to an employer who pumped a lot of money into our agency. I was stating in the email that I thought so-and-so was a great fit for their vacant position based on so-and-so's past experience. Miss Manager comes to my desk and tells me the email looks good except it should read 'passed experience.' I told her that was incorrect and she told me I was wrong and she knows the difference between the two words. I wasn't in the mood to argue so I wrote it as 'passed experience'' and CCed Miss Manager on the email. The employer writes me back and says as an employer who hires people to work on printed literature they wanted to correct me and let me know it's actually 'past experience.' That's where malicious compliance kicked in. I hit reply all and thanked them for the feedback and explained my manager values all feedback and since she proofreads all outgoing emails, she was the one who insisted on writing 'passed experience.' The next day she announced she no longer wanted to proofread outgoing external emails and didn't want to be CCed on them any further. Malicious compliance put that witch in her place!

Elderly couple An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

A man is watching porn on his PC in his home office when his wife walks in and he quickly switches to golf videos. She hands him mail that arrived and as she leaves the office says to her husband. "Switch back to the porn, you already know how to play golf."

You want me to resign? Well, good luck without me! Disclaimer 1: On mobile and English is not my first language, so apologies for any mistakes and bad formatting. Disclaimer 2: Labor laws in my country probably differ from labor laws in your's, so I'll try to explain them when they are important to the story. It is going to be a long one, sorry about that For the last 10 years I've been working from home as automation engineer for a relatively small company what produced custom-built industrial gas treatment units (industrial chillers, compressors stations, that sort of thing). My job was to write algorithms for PLCs, design HMI, and setting up data transfer for customers SCADA systems. Basically I was the person who told machines what to do. I was getting significant below market pay for such position, but with only 4-5 project per year and each taking me 2-3 weeks to complete, I wasn't arguing, since I was getting paid for mostly doing nothing and I was fortunate enough to have considerable passive income thanks to lucky investments of my inheritance. Everything was great until couple years ago, when owner decided to retire and sold the company. So here comes new managment with new policies. In my country every worker entitled to at least 4 weeks of paid vacation time per year all unspent vacation is rolled other to the next year, but you have to take at least 2 uninterrupted weeks per year, so if you only take your mandatory vacation, you accumulate 14 additional days per year. Given how much free time I actually had I rarely used more than mandatory 2 weeks per year, always making sure what there be no commissioning or maintenance planned during my vacation (During these events I would remotely access maintenance engineer's laptop to make neccessary adjustments to the algorithms, so everything works perfectly in real working conditions). But one of the first policies new managment implemented was schedule based vacations. So now O had to decide when I take my 2 weeks at the start of the year. I chose first weeks of April. In early March I get a call from manager of the development team who asks me to come on a quick 3 day work trip to help maintenance engineer switch plc and upload new project. Apparently thanks to new maintenance team manager a lot of maintenance engineers quit and they are short stuffed and the only one they can send atm is bad with computer. "Where isn't much for me to do, since we had identical station going through the same plc switch month prior, so I'll just fly there, chill, until electrical panel is rewired, new plc is installed, when I just upload new project to plc and fly home" - I thought for myself and agreed to go. Apparently maintenance engineer not only bad with computers, but also knows nothing about electrical work, so I had to do everything myself which I am not actually qualified to do, but at this point I don't want to disappoint client, who turned out to be a bunch of really nice people, so after a week and with only 3 burned down fuses I finished. After returning home I inform my manager what I am not going to any more business trips since I don't get paid enough to also do maintenance engineer's work. First say of my vacation comes and I get another call. Despite my poor judgment I decided to answer: - Hey, we need tou to go on another business trip starting next Monday, it will just take a week, it for *this project* - I'm not familiar with that project, it was done while I was on paternity leave (in my country either parent can take paternity/maternity leave up to 3 years and after first 6 months my wife asked me to switch). - Yeah, we had to contract a specialist to do that project while you are on leave, I'll send it to you along with documentation right away. *disconnects* I check recieved project and it is huge - 7 PLC's, 6 HMI panels, everything has to work as a single system, and project is a total mess, nothing would work, you just has to do everything from scratch, will probably take me close to a month to finish. And that is with doing everything from comfort of my own home where I am more productive. So I call back: - Yeah, I looked at this project and that's a mess, it's not in the working condition and no way to finish it in a week. I'll do what I can do, but as I said last time, I'm doing it remotely, as always, I won't go on another business trip, especially now, I have to many things planned for the next few weeks, I can't go. - But reception on site is terrible, you won't be able to access it remotely. And we already missed all deadlines on this project, client is pissed and we are looking at huge fines. CEO is breathing down my neck, we need it fixed yesterday. - Then I'll email maintenance engineer project with changes each eavning once he is in hotel with decent reception and he can email me list of things what need fixing, it's not the first time we done it that way. - Ok, I hear you, I'll have to speak with CEO abo

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office. The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit." The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?" The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him." The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back." "No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need." "Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,” he whispered, recounting the murder in calm, exact detail - the address, the knife, how long she twitched before going still. A knock on the wood panel interrupted him: “Father, confession’s about to start,” and he said amen, slid the screen open, and waited.

It is/was/will be my Cake Day, so here's a favorite: A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed ... They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his 'willie' points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She smiles and says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

I have to teach in my classroom? Bet. I first started teaching over 20 years ago at a high school, so this was roughly May of 2004. As a new teacher, I was the low man on the pole and ended up in a portable classroom instead of the main building. If you don't know, it is what it sounds like. Kind of like a small mobile home trailer. They are meant to be used temporarily at best, for overcrowding or emergencies and the like. The big problem is that Florida is hot as hell. We have two seasons: Summer and Hot Summer. This particular year, our AC in the portable couldn't keep up. The insulation in the building had been damaged in a hurricane the previous year and had not been repaired yet. As a result of those two things, it was hotter inside the portable than it was outside in the shade with a breeze. So I said "fuck it" and moved class outside and taught math in the courtyard for a few days. One of the assistant principals saw us, and asked to see me later. He asked why I was teaching outside, and I explained. "Teach in your classroom." I tried to negotiate. What if the front office has my cell number? What about the media center, can I teach there? "Teach in your assigned classroom." Bet. That weekend, I went to the home improvement store. I bought a 50 gallon trashcan, a large standing fan, a small pump and some copper tubing. I rigged it up so the chilled water would be pulled through the tubing that was zip tied to the front of the fan. Then Monday I went to work early and got a bunch of ice from the cafeteria to put in the trash can. I filled the cooler with water and dumped that in there with the ice. I now had enough ice water to make cool air. When the kids showed up for first period, we had some air. It wasn't as good as a real air conditioner, but it helped. The kids thought I was a mad scientist, and that actually made me think about switching subjects to science later. No kids I am not a mad scientist, just basic thermodynamics here. By third period kids are telling each other about it. We went that way for about a week and a half before it ended. I got called in to the office. "Why am I getting phone calls from parents about some science experiment in your MATH CLASS, Mr. Cobb?" It seems some of the kids had been talking about my DIY solution at home. "It's a home made air conditioner. I told you ours was crappy. You didn't want to address the situation, so I did." I was told to disassemble it, and by some miracle, I had a newer AC unit in my portable the next day. The principal was PISSED I "made the school look bad" and she non-renewed my contract at the end of the year, so I had to find a new school. My son goes to that high school now. Those same portables are still in use.

My grandfather, a WW2 veteran, would always tell us about how he killed a dozen Japanese with only a switchblade. 2017 was a successful year for that racist bastard.

Told us not to turn off the power unless he explicitly said to “turn off the power” so we didn’t. child hood story time From 30+ years ago We lived in this old farmhouse for a couple of years. Mother wanted a better light source in the kitchen so her boyfriend at the time volunteered to install a new light over the sink. Claimed he knew what he was doing. He told us children that we could turn off the power at the fusebox when he was ready to start. he was very explicit in his instructions. “Don‘t touch the fusebox unless I tell you to turn off the power. understand? Only flip the breaker when I say “turn off the power!”“. We repeated our instructions back to him and stated we understood. Flip the breaker when you say “turn off the power”. Got it. So he gets ready to start and calls out “turn off the lights!”. Well, the fuse box to the house is next to the light switch for the living room and he’d been quite explicit about when to turn off the power. We kind of shrugged at each other and reached over to the light switch and turned off the lights. “Lights are off” was our reply. Nice flash of sparks and some cursing a few seconds proceeded him storming in trying to get all mad about getting shocked. Mother interceded and pointed out that he told us not to touch the breaker unless he said “turn off the power” and asked him what he‘d told us to do. he admitted to saying lights instead of power. He spent a few hours trying to wire the new light before giving up. Mom got an Elder from church to come out and look at it. He fixed it in about ten minutes.

Want me to speak Spanish? I was born in the US. My parents are from Mexico. Despite being exposed to their Spanish, I speak it with a thick American accent. If someone doesn't speak English, I will speak Spanish with them, and assuming they can understand me, all is well. But if they know fluent English, I prefer that since communication is easier. This leads to weird scenarios where I am making small talk, and as soon as the other person gets to know my name, they shout "Yo WTF, you Hispanic TF you speaking English for?" in Spanish. So I switch into my Spanish, which sounds like a stereotypical American reading Spanish out loud as if it were English. At this point they squint and give me a concerned stare before switching back to English.

i made my own schedule i work the nightshift as a cashier at a 24/7 convience store. my shift is from 10 pm to 5:30 am. usually my coworker and i switch tasks. like shes at the counter while i help the cusotmers. lately ive been dealing with constant headaches so i asked our manager if icould take a night off. but instead of approving it, she snapped "if you dont like the scheddule, amke your own" so i did. I skipped two nights, then worked only 4 hours on the third night, and took another night off after that.When I finally came back, she scolded me, saying, “That’s not what I meant.” I told her, “Well, you said make my own schedule, so I did.” Now the whole staff—whether day shift or night shift—is asking if they can customize their schedules too. Funny how she suddenly cares about “clear communication.” Shoutout to our manager of the year, ma’am knows-it-all. ps: i did put my phone to dnd so that i wont notify with her calls and texts. also our manager only go to the store every Monday. (i asked her Monday night. my working days are Monday to Saturday)

My husband has heterochromia eyes, brown on the left and blue on the right, which has always captivated me. That's why I immediately noticed when the colors switched sides.

Use Slow Computer for Demanding Project I got voluntold for the job of switching a paper-based corporate learning to computer-based, including web based training. I did not have a desk or a computer, so I brought in my personal laptop. The boss objected and stated I needed to write a business case for a computer. A week later I got the absolute minimum system that met the minimum requirements on the box. I started the painful process of converting a Powerpoint into an Adobe Captivate file. When it came time to compile the first file, the computer stated it would be three hours before it finished, maybe, so I headed to the breakroom. The executive director for the project happened to walk in and asked me what I was doing there. “I’m staying not frustrated while waiting for the first draft to compile, should be about another two hours sir.” It was five hours. When I showed up the next day, my computer had been upgraded to the then top model with dual monitors. The next day, my fancy unit was on the boss’ desk, and I had his even older, slower computer. This time compiling was over ten hours. Back to the breakroom. Same executive walks in, I just smile, nod, and go back to my lunch. The next day, I had two computers on my desk, the still compiling boss’ unit and my previously issued fancy one. The boss was cleaning out his desk having been sent back to frontline, non-boss work. It felt so good to give that company the boot once the project completed.

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink ..... so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

Absentee boss wants me to increase the daily order against my suggestion? You got it. I used to work at an upscale-ish cafe. I was a supervisor and in charge of the bakery section (there was also a kitchen and a coffee bar). Now Mother's Day was our biggest day of the year by a huge margin. Like it would be close to triple our daily sales for a regular Sunday. Most mid-grade holidays would also be busy. And after every big holiday sales day, the sales the next day would be around 50-60% of normal, so I would order about two thirds of my regular order for that Monday. Now our owner was somewhat absentee from our store. She owned five locations, four of which were in the same city. Ours was the outlier, in a smaller location about two hours away. She spent almost all of her time at the four locations and maybe visited us once a month. This month, she just happened to come on the day after Mother's Day. I can add that of all the employees, only the assistant manager liked the owner. Even the manager couldn't stand her. She saw that my bakery case was somewhat low and asked why. I explained that the day after holidays was always slower and I ordered less because I didn't want to waste money. She told me never to do that again. She in fact told me to double my normal order. Now I had been in this job for four years by this point and I knew that bakery section inside and out. Also at this point, only the manager and one of the cooks had been there longer than me. Even the manager told me that things were always better when I was there. I always stayed late to cover call-ins, often came in on my day off if they needed me. I even once drove a catering delivery 90 minutes each way to satisfy a loyal customer. I told the owner that today was a special circumstance and that doubling the order would lead to a lot of food waste and recommended that we not do it. With my regular daily orders, we usually ran out only near the end of the day, barring unforeseen circumstances (like someone coming in and doing a big pastry order without notice). This was from a lot of trial and error over the years and I changed my order up whenever things looked like they were changing. But she insisted, even after the manager also told her that our regular order was fine. I tried again to tell and she just told me to do it. My manager also said it by that point. So I did it. I doubled my regular order. After about two weeks, she emailed me and asked why we were throwing out so many pastries every day. I told her that she told me to double my order. At that point, my boss says, she wanted to fire me. My boss convinced her that she needed me to help run the store (which she probably did). So I wasn't fired, but I lost my position as bakery lead. I was still a supervisor who mostly worked the bakery section, but I no longer ordered product. Still the same wage, but I was switched from mostly mornings to mostly nights. While I did miss my morning regulars, I also enjoyed making the same money for less responsibility. About six months later, the manager quit to go back to school and the place went downhill fast. As I said, everyone working there hated the owner (except the asst. manager, who had quit about a month before this for a new job). As soon as this happened, I started looking for a new job even though I hated changing jobs. So did a number of others. Everyone was loyal to the manager, nobody to the owner. I took a supervisor job at a nearby restaurant and never looked back. I'm told by some coworkers who are still there that it became difficult to get through the day without me and the manager there and we lost lots of sales for over a year before they started picking up again.

When the army finally found our bunker, I told them how we put down everyone exhibiting the first signs of the virus. His eye twitched as he carefully said, “our pamphlet said that vomiting was the first sign of immunity… not transformation.”

When the metric becomes the target (a cautionary tale on being careful what you measure) This happened about eight years ago, when I was still working for a North American class 1 railroad. I worked in IT, specifically in a department whose primary role was to generate metrics and regulatory reporting (for the Surface Transportation Board and their ilk). Most of our measures were inward-facing, though, covering such things as volume, dwell, revenue, and productivity. This story involves a problematic dashboard in the last category – specifically, a measure of the productivity of our unionized office workers. The managers loved it because it gave them a weekly graph of who needed corrective punishment for under-performing. Our toxic CEO of the day was all about punishment. They even had quotas to meet. It was in regards to this last one that (I'll call him B) made the short walk across to our building so that he could ask me about the metric. He'd just come from an uncomfortable meeting with his direct manager who showed him how he was the lowest-performing employee on their graph. By a wide margin. His manager told him to pick up the pace, or he'd face potential repercussions, possibly even a one-week suspension. B came to me because he knew I had access to the back-end of the metrics, and he wanted to know what they were measuring him on because he was never *not* busy. Some important background on B is that he was a very senior, conscientious employee. He had as much experience as the rest of his group combined, and he came to me because we went back about 20 years from my time in the union before I moved to IT. The job of their group was to "work the queue" – that is, go into the failure queue of events that had cacked for one reason or another, resolve the issue, and allow the automated functions to flow properly. A couple of trivial examples would be a train lift failing because the cars had not been properly reported into the customer's track or, conversely, they'd been reported in, but the customer had not electronically released them out yet. Because he had so much experience, B took it upon himself to hand-pick the really messy, time-consuming ones from the queue; ones where somebody had back-dated events, and it took some faffing about to figure out what was wrong, and what needed to be fixed. Or where a conductor took all the paperwork home and forgot to update this tablet with the switching that he'd done. Basically, if it was something that might require phone calls and deep research, he would deal with it rather than let inexperienced folks struggle with it. I pulled up a pre-production version of the dashboard and scrolled through the source code to find the important bits. We discovered that it was looking for clusters of specific event types reported under an employee's User ID with at least a two-minute gap between the clusters. He was puzzled over the last requirement, but I explained that it was so that a single train being processed would only count as one event. It might take a few minutes to fix the train, but the reporting was at the car level, and as long as no more than two minutes elapsed between the report on one car and the next, it would all count as a single incident to the dashboard. "So, it doesn't look at how many records you handle, only that they happen more than two minutes apart?" He paused for a moment before adding, "That's *really* dumb. They don't care about complexity? They're seriously just counting how many times a person clicks OKAY? Somebody could game that pretty easily if they wanted. Hm." He walked away without saying anything else, but I could see the mental gears turning. He came back to me a couple of weeks later to give me the good news. He'd gone from being the most under-performing person in his group to being their top employee by just as big a margin. "It's great," he told me. "Forget all the complicated shit – I'm just grabbing the biggest trains from the queue. I work one screen of cars, then sit back and drink my coffee for exactly three minutes before I process the next. I finally have time to complete the crossword puzzle in my paper. Sadly, the company attributed his miraculous turn-around to their draconian discipline practices, and never clued in that while their numbers went up, their actual productivity had tanked a bit. The only real consequence to him was that his job became a lot easier, and he got to slide into retirement on a high note.

When I heard my son’s 10-year-old bully won the “Most Caring Person” award by lying, I redeemed my free spell on the WitchAnywhere app. The next morning, a mother was confused by her son cock-a-doodle-dooing in bed while a slaughterhouse struggled with an unusually difficult chicken.

Ask us to do you a favour and then complain? We can work to rule. TLDR at bottom, SFW. I've tried to simplify some of the processes so if something doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll elaborate. Appreciate this is wordy, but most of my anecdotes are! I (F33) used to work for a company that, among other things, made a particular product that was sold in reasonable quantities to a number of customers. These products were quite large and expensive, but had a (relatively) short service life, so there was a predictable trend to when customers would order replacements. Let's call the customers in this anecdote Lombard and Orange. The products for each company were slightly different, so we had to change some tooling and machining processes when swapping between the two. Furthermore, as part of the manufacturing process, we painted the products. Orange's were, unsurprisingly, orange but Lombard requested we left the products unpainted. This was due to some form of copyright issue with their paint swatch, but it wasn't a big deal as they were happy to paint the products themselves. Lombard was a larger company than Orange, and their orders used to outweigh Orange nearly 2:1. The product lifecycle was well-established at this point, so we knew roughly when orders would be placed, and could tailor manufacturing to suit. We had a minor issue when Lombard placed an order on behalf of a subsidiary company they were starting up - it wasn't anybody's fault in particular, but the subsidiary company wanted products painted yellow, whereas the first few batches we completed were accidentally left unpainted, assuming it was a Lombard order. Because of the way the products were made, we didn't have the ability to paint them once fully assembled, so we just left them in storage pre-empting another Lombard order, and re-made the products for Lombard Jr. No problems. Orange got in touch one day, and said they had an issue where they'd got their paperwork wrong or something, and urgently needed a (smaller) batch of products as soon as possible. Our contracted lead time for the product was 12 weeks; however because the contracts were so mature, we could generally get that down to about 4 weeks (as we'd start manufacturing ahead of an official order being placed). This particular issue with Orange came up whilst we were in the middle of manufacturing components for Lombard, so we didn't have an easy way to stop production and switch to the Orange tooling. We gave Orange two options. Option one was to pay a 33% premium and we would start manufacturing straight away, which would technically take 12 weeks but realistically would be about 6 weeks. Option two was to take from the unpainted Lombard stock we'd previously made at the normal price, available immediately, but we would also supply the add-on bits (at a minimal cost) that they would have to swap themselves, and then paint if they wanted to. Orange took option two. No issues so far, we still had a small amount of Lombard stock left and Orange were happy to sort out the extra work from their side. Everybody wins, right? Well, that's what we all thought. A short while later, our senior management organise a conference with us. We turn up for this conference, expecting to be congratulated for appeasing a customer in a tricky spot, or at least given some form of acknowledgement for reducing stock. Instead, we were given a dressing down because the seniors from Orange had complained to our management that the last order they received was wrong, and wasn't in their colours. They'd written as such in their official customer satisfaction reports, which were open across the industry as part of ethical practices. So, any company that wanted to order from us would now be able to see that Orange had received unpainted products in the wrong configuration. To say we were pissed off would be an understatement. The general feeling was quiet, simmering rage - the kind where you know everybody is absolutely livid, and wholly displeased at what should have been a positive outcome. The management listened to the explanation and took notes of the screenshots we shared (of emails agreeing to taking the Lombard order). They sympathised with us and confirmed we'd done nothing wrong, even going as far as to say that they knew this particular process worked well and had therefore left us alone, so they were surprised to hear of an issue. Technically yes, we were breaking our contract by supplying non-conforming parts, but as this was a rush order, they (our management) appreciated we'd done our best to help Orange, even if they threw it back in our faces. It was actually our management's idea for malicious compliance - going forward, everything ordered by Orange would be 100% to specification. Including lead time. They told us to keep doing what we were doing, but instead of sending orders to Orange, send them to our warehouse down the road. They could hang onto them until the 12 week d

You want me to do my work your way? Sure. I’ve been handling this annual event for years. I know the process, the information we need from guests, when to handle their VISAs, and how to plan the event flow down to the minute. My boss, on the other hand, mostly knows how to look like he does. Last year’s event was a mess, so this time I came prepared. I built a shared Excel sheet for the committee. It was clean, structured, everything in one place. Guest names, designations, dietary restrictions, flight details. Fully tabulated, filterable, easy to manage. The idea was simple: input once guests have submitted their RSVP via a Google Form, and we’re set. At some point, my boss saw the sheet. He deleted it. No heads up, no informing anything btw. Just gone. Instead, he created a new tab linking directly to the raw Google Form responses. During a progress meeting, I mentioned (politely) that the working sheet had disappeared. That’s when he admitted to deleting it because his version was “more automated”, just use the form responses and add columns as needed. In hindsight, it made sense but not for this kind of event. It was just waay more complicated. Guests submit multiple responses when details change. Some cancel. Some bring plus-ones with completely different flights and dietary needs. It gets messy fast. I raised these concerns, especially since I’d be the one managing it anyway. Despite me explaining multiple times that it’s gonna be very inefficient, he insisted his way was better. Alright then. I’ll comply. Every bit of information went exactly where his the form responses allowed it to go, no extra structuring, no cleanup. Duplicate RSVPs? Highlighted in red, no consolidation. Different flight details in one submission? All four flights crammed into a single cell. Dietary restrictions for multiple guests? All dumped together, good luck figuring out who’s vegan and who has a nut allergy. Special requests? Full essay pasted in one cell, untouched. I followed his way exactly. Eventually, he realized the sheet was unusable. Couldn’t filter anything properly, couldn’t find what he needed, and definitely couldn’t present it proudly to management to take credit for someone else’s work. Meanwhile, I quietly rebuilt my original Excel on my personal drive, so my actual work wasn’t affected. But not gonna lie, was tough trying to switch tabs like a ninja when he’s micromanaging at my desk.

“How about one you haven’t manhandled?!” hey all it’s no caps OP (still haven’t figured it out ) I had a deli customer come in today along with many many regulars as it is the witching hour and everyone’s on lunch. im wearing gloves. I prepared most of the food the customers see before them. but sometimes in my haste in packaging their requests my gloved hands make physical contact with their food. so in comes my least favorite guy. the guy who asks me what the Swedish meatballs are and I say “Swedish meatballs “ , and then he proceeds to say “…because there’s so much sauce on them it’s impossible to tell “. like it’s totally unnecessary. he literally puts too much sauce on everything. not that I can judge him. but anyway saucy comes in and asks for four tenders. I have like 12 left and I’m doing the math. I know that the guy behind him gets 8 tenders minimum every day. as I’m bagging them with the tongs one my fingers holding them bag touches like one tender. He loses it. ”hey! how about you give me some tenders you didn’t put your hands all over ! “ enter MC before he can interject any further Ingo to the next customer hey what can you get while waiting for new tenders ! oh give me the rest of those “! you got it chief. then other guy loses it as I toss his manhandled tenders aside and tell my manager “sophi” to start a new batch. I told saucy that “don’t worry I won’t touch these ones “ “that’s not what I meant!” ahhh the MC battlecry of defeat. he waited thirteen minutes for new tenders TLdr: made a guy new tenders.

If a single radio's battery dies, shut it all down This happened over 5 years ago, and it still ticks me off whenever I think about it. Also sorry about how long this is lol: I was 17 working at a big theme park, and had been working there for the better part of the year. I had quickly picked things up, and was usually regarded as the responsible one on the team when it was just a bunch of us teens working a ride. We had a college student intern lead who was... not good at leading, or training new hires... We'll call him M. At my main ride, it required 3 people minimum to operate; One person in the control booth, one at the entrance gate, and one at the exit. However, we could have 4 or 5 if we were incredibly busy to help deal with the line. The people in the booth and at the entrance could not see the person at the exit directly, so we used radios. The control booth also had a camera on the exit gate. From day 1 on the job, we were taught hand signals in case the radio dies or for quick communication, these signals were universal across the entire park. That summer, 3 freshly certified kids (we had to take tests to prove we paid attention to training) started the ride with someone locked inside the fence, aka: not in a seat. Twice it was another employee, once it was a guest (which was a HUGE deal). The thing with those incidents was that those in the control booth didn't notice their mistake until the others SCREAMED at them to hit the E-stop. Those new hires were either retrained or moved to a simpler ride. Well, one incredibly busy day, there were 5 of us running things. Me, M, and 3 others. M had been called over to another ride, which normally wasn't an issue. About an hour later, someone was scheduled to go home, and M hadn't come back yet. I called the other ride and asked them to send him back. We could've run things with 3 of us, but it was super busy and we really needed a 4th. A few minutes later, someone (not our lead) was sent over to take over. Weird, but no big deal. Another hour or so went by, someone else needed to go home, I called again asking for M. Also, all the radios' batteries were dead/dying. Things had slowed down, so I, being the spare 4th person, took the radios to the office to get fresh batteries. This took less than 10 minutes, and in that time, the guys had switched to hand signals as we were trained. When I came back, our lead had once again sent over someone else to take his spot. At this point I realized that M was probably just shooting the shit in the nice air-conditioned booth at the other ride. Now the guy that got sent over to us was normally at a rollercoaster and hadn't been at this ride in over a month, so I gave him a quick review and he took controls. I turned around for maybe 30 seconds when I hear yelling. I turn around, and the ride was stopped maybe 3 ft off the ground with our entrance guy locked in the fence. The guy at controls saw what he did and hit the E-stop, something that the other screwups that summer did not think to do. We had to call upper management, and wouldn't ya know? M came running over! This time the highest of the higher ups came over as well. They pulled each of us aside and interrogated us (which was odd) then walked away and talked for like half an hour. They then FIRED the guy at controls on the spot, and came up with BS reasons to get the rest of us removed from running rides. They absolutely were only doing that to make an example of us. I tried to rip into M for shirking his duties, but as an anxiety ridden kid it didn't hit very hard. I was mainly pissed off that they fired the poor guy who never should have been there in the first place. Remember I took the already dead radios earlier? They tried to say I had 'removed communication devices from the ride area' which prevented them from letting controls know they were outside the gate. They were basically trying to pin the whole thing on me. Total bull, bc this happened after I brought them back. I assume M threw me under the bus for being 'in charge' while he wasn't there. Also, we had hand signals!!! I tried explaining that to them, but they didn't give a shit. I refused to sign the paperwork which would be admitting fault, so this fight was stretched over multiple days. Plus I was leaving for college in like 2 weeks and didn't want to spend my last days of summer cleaning bathrooms. They gave us a new rule: if a single radio was dying, we had to call a manager to fetch us a new battery even if we had people to spare to go grab one instead. If a radio died, we had to close the ride. Managers roamed around the whole area and were responsible for sooooo much, so if you called them and it wasn't urgent, it could take a long time for them to show up. The next day, my radio was dying, I called the manager, half hour goes by, I call again. My radio died. I shut down the ride. The people in the over-an-hour line got PISSED. I explained to people that we had to close because

A man who had just died is delivered to a local mortuary.... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

Don't want to pay be for being on call? Ok I won't be Hey there, just wanted to share my compliance with you. Its been a few years but i still am proud of it. Background: I worked in it in a medium sized company. We were a team of about 20 persons, with always 2 specialists for every topic. For example server / database and mine - network and firewalls. Due to laws in our country we had a gentlemen's agreement with our company. As noone could be forced to be on call pretty much 24/7 every 2 weeks, but the company needing exactly that they paid us about 500€ per month, and we would be on call - but with less harsh rules (you were supposed to call back in a larger timeframe, it wasn't expected that you could start working within a specific frame etc.). The calls were not frequent so this was okay for us. Every team was called like 2-3 times a year, so it was decent money for a psychic burden, more then for real work. The problem: I was the new one. So I worked there for several years and my boss just left me out of the agreement. At the beginning it was ok, because I wasn't called and also wasn't able to help immediately. But after 2 years my higher boss blatantly stated "well if there is a problem, we'll just call him" to other colleagues and my direct boss when it came to my partner going into vacations or illness. The first problem: As you might expect I was pissed. And low and behold, the time came and they needed help from the whole department, because there was a computer problem with all systems. The higher boss didn't even have the balls to call me himself, he made one of the other colleagues do it. I answered and it was hard to leave them hanging, but I declined, knowing everyone would have more work with less people. The Solution : After being set into such a harsh spot, I chose to solve the problem myself. You don't want me on call? You won't be able to call me. I switched my mobile number, only giving it to my direct partner, who also agreed with it being unfair, like my direct boss. He would simply lie that he didn't have it either if he was asked. Everyone knew I was pissed, so they agreed with my solution. Then i turned off my home phone, which I didn't use anyway and gave hr the number of my parents, telling them to only contact me, if there was a real problem, nothing just work related. And then I waited. And waited. The Crashout & Aftermath: And then my time came. Colleague was out of country on holiday. I had a nice weekend. On Monday I came in and everyone was like: everything crashed on the weekend. Turns out the firewall as main gateway had a network interface going up and down. Noone even had a login expect my colleague and me. They had to get a specialist from the support to help them, which cost them the whole weekend to solve this, meaning critical calculations didn't run as planned. I was immediately called into my boss (unfortunately not the higher one again) office. He instantly promoted me to being on call, no matter the consequences. Everything with HR and the bigger boss would be done afterwards, I just had to make sure I was on call when leaving the building this day. So I went ahead and gave them my number, and after that I was never even questioned about it again. Bonus for me: Other departments always were pissed about our "free bonus money" and I was the only one who always just went ahead and told everyone I would actually give it up again, if I had my personal freedom and space back. I actually prefer my space over the money. Left some years afterwards for a 8-16 it job without being in the constant awareness that someone might call. The money might sound great at first. But about 3000€ per year for always having your work in the back of your head just isn't worth it for me. Hope you enjoyed my MC Have a good one Edit for clarification: 500€ a month, at about 42% tax rate. It's quite usual to make it simple and just half the initial income. So it would have been around 3400€. Nothing was split, every one on call got the 500

Witchful thinking

Don't want me to work from home once or twice a month? Watch me do so twice a week. A short tale, not too juicy but for a young post-grad who was new in the workforce, it was delicious. My part-time job (60%) was project based, but after a few months I was able to add another part-time-position (40%) within the same team but with a different boss. She was a subordinate of my original boss who I had an agreement with, that I could work from home every Monday and Friday, something that was communicated throughout the department early but as I didn't have much contact with the team, I still came in most of the Mondays and Fridays, "for the team spirit". As life is life-ing, I had construction workers over and needed one of my in-office days to be WFH (edit: which was pre-approved and communicated), which had never presented as a problem before. Apparently, me spending the previous Monday afternoon - one of my WFH-days - out of office (but still onlline and available) was such a thorn in my second boss' side, that she had to shoot me a message saying I should think well about my work ethics in the future - ~~Boomer vs. GenZ I guess.~~ (edit: got some criticism for that comment and they're right, it has nothing to do with age, pardon me!) So I agreed and never switched a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday to a work-from-home-day again - but I also never came in on a Monday or Friday again. As it stood, that was my scheduled WFH day anyways... edit: thank you for the lovely comments! to those who felt compelled to point out the apparent lack of malicousness: I might not have caused havoc, but as being in office and an active team member was veeery important to my second boss, not coming in the office twice a week was mildly malicious to me. You want me to honour my in-office-days? Okay, but you'll be forced to honour my WFH-days, even if that will lead to the exact opposite of what you wanted to achieve: having me in the office more often. Hope that clears up this terrible terrible confusion I caused /s

Be careful what you ask for. So this takes place in 2000, dont remember what month but I went to school in a small town where it was redneck as can be. Think people coming to school on tractors and shit. We got a new principle fresh from Dallas and a much bigger school district. Now remember, country school, we all had pocket knives, we wore jeans and button downs and I happen to be going through the emo/goth phase because, fuck rednecks ya know. Me and my friends wore black pants with chains and black trench coats. First thing this principle does is declare "No pocket knives". Wasnt a big deal no one cared and there wasnt metal detectors. Then he gets a hard on for my crowd. Suddenly were told no pentacles or "Satanist" jewelry. Well even though we were doing the rebel thing we were nerds through and through. Played Magic the Gathering and Chess and immediately got copies of the school board rules. So we all declared our religion as Wiccan and refused. Principle tried to make us stop wearing them anyway. Our Rents backed us up and he had no leg to stand on so then he targets our coats. That we couldnt stop but he also declared we couldnt play Magic at lunch, stated it was to much like witch craft and other students were uncomfortable. So back to the rules. Come to find out per their policies we could create a chess club and have a teacher sponsor us. As long as chess was being played we were allowed to play any game that involved strategy. Few weeks in he swings by and the 12 of us are in there two playing chess the rest Magic. He loses his shit says were through and to shut it down. We were prepared though. Per the rules unless a club is not actively co.peting they can not be shut down with out full board approval. We went on to place 2nd in state in chess, and kept our club going lol. He left not long after. Edit Fixed some spelling errors. Sorry on Mobile.

Countermand orders? Get smoked. Backstory : I was in a desert country that was very hot while in the military. I was one of the newer members to the group when they gave us a free plane ride out there. My job was not combat oriented in any way and far away from most danger. However because I was newer instead of a normal weapon to carry daily (15 hrs a day 7 days a week) I was assigned the heavy size. After about a month into this me and the other people assigned this weapon are complaining. We do not need these readily available as our job is not to provide immediate defense. I worked in a section that consistently dealt with Warrant Officers. To those not in the know these WO's are very known for their no nonsense get the job done in the best way possible without messing with the standard. They are the keepers of the standards and would expect nothing less. One day a Warrant officer 5 saw me carrying this weapon and asked me why I had it. I explained it was the weapon assigned to me and as an officer he replied "I have a pistol my substantially lighter weapon is in the armory tell them to exchange my heavy for his. I am through the moon after the exchange I go to the smoke pit and show off my new weapon. Eventually my first line supervisor sees me and asks how I got it. I explain the orders given to me. He responds with Is he your front line supervisor. He makes me re submit my new weapon for the old. Now the fun part. I worked in an area where sometimes we went to where the WO's were on assignment. I took the job to go deliver something and the WO5 sees me with the old weapon. He asks if I had a chance to exchange I reply I did but my SGT said to change it back. His response was did you tell him it was my order? me: yes sir :ok OP follow me anybody who has an idea of the army knows that a WO5 outranks a SSGt by a mile so countermanding his orders better have a good excuse. We get to the SSgts office and the WO5 asks him what happened the SSgt gave some bs excuse then the WO5 said snap to attention. WO's as a rule don't adhere to normal standerds. The WO5 then excused me told me to switch weapons and locked the door. I stayed just long enough to hear a lot of yelling curse words and counting pushups.

Two old guys decide to go out for drinks before they die. Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea. "Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out." Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street. They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference. They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out. Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once. Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

Phoney Business Background: I was on a family phone plan with my folks well into my adult years. My dad liked to take the lion's share of the data plan and would send out a passive aggressive "oink oink goes the pig" if anyone but him was using too much data. The rest of us had to connect to WiFi whenever possible. We all had better had a good reason if we got close to using up a quarter of the shared data plan (4 people on the plan and split 4 ways but he liked to take his half out of the middle). The four of us paid into the plan each month and in theory it was cheaper than an individual plan. Story: For a birthday he announced that I was getting kicked off the family plan because I needed to "be a man" or some other grown up nonsense. I think he may have mentioned something about how he hated that my grown relatives were doing something similar and needed to grow up. The details are fuzzy but this wasn't the first time, nor the last that be would announce unpleasant things at birthdays and holiday family gatherings so I took it in stride and switched to an independent phone plan. I got the cheapest, most basic data plan and it ended up being comparable to what I was paying into the family plan. I also realized just how little I actually use my data and the plan was actually fairly comfortable for my needs so I stuck with it. Fallout: A year later he brings up the idea of getting me back into the family plan because getting me off the plan ended up not only costing the individual more money per person, the phone carrier also had a deal going on where the more people connected to one plan, the less expensive per person the overall plan would be. Some sort of wholesale or group discount or another. I told him that I was perfectly happy with my independent phone plan paying my own rate. I also reminded him that the only reason why I got off it to begin with was because he didn't think I was being a responsible grown adult. I simply wanted to "prove to him" that I can manage all of my own bills like a "real" adult unlike others in my family he liked to complain about. He tried asking me a few more times about it throughout the months because it would be so much cheaper for him but I continually brought up how much he hated my relatives that "refused to grow up" and that he wanted me to not be like them per his "gift" on my birthday. I stuck with it because while I could have access to more data that I "could" use, the absence of snarky texts about being a data hog was more than worth the price.

Hair is in Compliance So with this story we are back at the resort I worked at multiple times. I worked at this place several times and I have to dip back into those times to explain how I got hired. When I was 15 I had originally got a job doing room service and got really good at navigating the facility. When I was 18-19 I started growing out my hair and would wear a headband literally 100% of the time and thought I was cool. I got a call one day from a friend and past coworker who was very tied into the resort. The dishwashing team walked out and they needed someone now. I lived 150 ft from this resort and they were giving me a guaranteed job without an interview and would pay cash until I got in the system. The catch? I had to do 3 full kitchens dishes right now with almost zero training. I worked solidly, by myself, in 3 kitchens, from open to close for weeks until they hired help. I lived somewhat close to the Lady in charge of the entire resort who LOVED that I was involved with the resort again. She and I have always had a great friendship as neighbors. I ended up leaving to get a better paying job which didnt really help me out because even though it was more per hour, I was working less and had to drive and spend more on gas. I got another call from that friend. I got an instant job there AGAIN! This time almost entire setup staff for banquets, meetings and wedding had walked. Again, same conditions as above, I had a butt ton of work to do but just in a different department. I had found out that the Lady in charge actually suggested my friend specifically call me because I was a known reliable worker. It's at this point where this story really begins. I had long thick hair. No more headband, I wore it in a tight pony tail that came to my mid back. I will also mention that I am a guy. Knowing I was going to be a front of house employee with guest contact, I would shower before going to work, and pull my hair into a tight single braid. Once in place I would run gel in so the loose shorter strands would stay in place. I looked professional. Because of my unusual hiring conditions, I rarely ever saw HR. After over a year of working in this department, training a whole new team, and 2 customer service awards..... HR approached me. I literally had a tray of covered food on my shoulder, about to walk into a wedding. She stopped me, I saw her glance at my hair, and said "We've had several complaints about you, you need to put your hair into compliance according to the handbook by the time you show up to work tomorrow or consider this your termination notice." She said this to me while I was absolutely slammed with work during dinner service at a 300+ person wedding reception. Several servers were watching and gave me the appropriate "What the %$@#, who would have complained?!" comforting words to myself. I put my head down and really don't remember the rest of the night. The next day, I am in my kitchen with my future wife, and my mother. We have the employee handbook out and are looking at it. I am due into work soon as we have to tear down the wedding from last night and reset up for a wedding reception tonight. It was determined that I needed the job more than I needed the hair but I LIKED MY LONG HAIR! The area of the handbook we were looking at. "Male hair must be kept above collar length. Pony tails are not permitted." Well... ok. Ask and you shall receive. I washed and dried my hair, went back into the kitchen where my mom had pulled out the large soup pot that fit over my head and was deep enough to stop JUST over my collar and started cutting. I do not have a picture of this..... But picture Edna Mode from the incredibles except her hair is super thick and frized out like the witch from the old cartoon Sword in the Stone. We all equally laughed and cried. I found it hilarious but we all missed my hair. I go to work, IN COMPLIANCE, and present myself to HR. She is shocked to see me. I don't know if it was because she didn't think I'd be back.... or that I literally looked like I just licked an electrical outlet. I quoted the handbook and said that we should be good now. She argued that I looked horrible. I pointed out that she shouldn't shame my looks and that I, again, was in handbook compliance and would be going to work. It was very memorable going back to work. EVERYONE had something to say. It had gotten around what HR had pulled and then it had gotten around what I did. Through all the laughs that were had we had work to do. We had to get all of last nights wedding cleaned up, the grand ballroom had to get vacuumed, the tables and chairs placed in new positions, tablecloths and new place settings... The whole shebang. To those who have worked in this industry... I know you can visualize the amount of work. The Lady who ran the resort stopped by because she always does before a reception just to make sure our standards are up. She sees me in the back hall carrying a rack of water

No problems, just look in your textbook! About 15 years ago, I was almost 20 and in my country's equivalent of a trade school for electricians. One of our teachers, electronic circuits class, had a kinda annoying catchphrase for every question students had: "no problems, just look in your textbook". He had already mentally checked out since he got a way better job lined up for next semester, so he pretty much only read stuff from the textbook and then switched to the textbook's practical exercises, where we had a [breadboard](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breadboard) and, working in pairs, inserted resistors, capacitors and other components in it. All in all, not the worst teacher we had, but this one incident made his class *very* memorable. On the third class we had with that teacher (first one was introduction, second one was how to read resistor color codes, he said his catchphrase no less than 5 times per class), my friend showed me a glaring mistake in the textbook's practical exercise. It was something very simple: placing three resistors in series, measuring the current produced with a 24V DC power supply and comparing to the value we had calculated. The first two exercises were OK, but in the third one, the values for all resistors were way too low. Like, three orders of magnitude low. Somebody meant to write 10KΩ (10.000Ω) but typed 10Ω instead. For every single resistor in that exercise. For people who are not very familiar with electronics: - Ohm's Law dictate that, for a constant voltage supply, current gets higher as resistances get lower (Voltage = Resistance x Current, or V = RxI, which can also be written as I = V/R). - Joule's Law dictate that more Power, which in a resistor's case would be dissipated as heat, is supplied the higher is the current (Power = Resistance x Current², or P = RxI²). - Resistors have a power rating measured in Watts and when the rating is exceeded, they start to produce smoke and/or fire. The power rating for the resistors we were using was 0.25W. - When resistors are placed in series, their total value is added. In this example, three 10Ω resistors would have a total resistance of 30Ω. If we use the previous formulas, we get a value of 0.8A for current and 19.2W for power... or almost 77 times the power rating of the resistors. If the 10KΩ resistors were used, we'd have 0.8mA for current and 19.2mW for power, well within the power rating of the resistors. My friend, I and a few other students tried to ask the teacher if those values were correct, and his answer, to no one's surprise, was "no problems, just look in your textbook". I tried to argue that the textbook was plain wrong and he shut me down saying how way smarter people than him and I wrote the textbook, so we should just follow it. So everyone (some more reluctantly than others) placed the resistors in the breadboard, connected the power supply and waited for his instruction to turn it on, as has been for the first two exercises without incident. Then he said to turn on the power supply. Without even looking in the textbook. At first everything seemed fine and some people started to get their multimeters. A few seconds later, a girl screamed "fire", but it was really only smoke. A few seconds later and now we had small fires all over the lab and people freaking out! Nothing spectacular and they died down a few seconds later, but enough to make most of the 30 people scream and panic while the smell of burnt plastic from 15 breadboards and burnt ceramic from 45 resistors made the air pretty much unbreathable. To his credit, the teacher engaged the lab's circuit breaker pretty fast and evacuated the room so no one breathed potentially toxic fumes. Since I was expecting it, I was more annoyed than scared (unlike some of the more sensitive people who were crying) and told the teacher, who was looking at the empty lab as if he was seeing ghosts, "there seems to be a problem, should you look in the textbook now?". He gave a nervous laughter and said "maybe you're smarter than the people who wrote it". The screaming attracted a more experienced teacher who, after making sure everyone was OK, just couldn't stop laughing at our teacher. He did keep using his catchphrase, "no problems, just look in your textbook", until the end of the semester, but he was now also looking in the textbook himself and spotted a few glaring mistakes made by those "intelligent people". For some reason, he didn't seem to like the nickname we gave him when he heard someone saying in the hallway, "next is Textbook Idiot's class".

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver (who looks a bit like him): ’I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!’ The driver agrees: ’You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.’ ’ That's a great idea!’ says Einstein. ‘Let's switch places then!’ So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits back and enjoys the deception. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So he stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says: ’Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.’

How many persons does it take to change a light bulb? Well, that depends. Is the lightbulb reachable without much effort? Then most likely one person is enough, unless the switch is in a different far-off room, in which case, it is much more efficient if there is another person to assist the first by switching off the light before changing it. In certain cases, where the lightbulb is out of one's reach, one may need a variety of tools to be able to reach said bulb. This may include, but are not limited too, stepladders, normal ladders, cranes, and lifts. Stepladders are typically the most used option for many cases, as they are almost in every home, building or establishment. Although one person can operate the stepladder and change the lightbulb, it is a general consensus that there should at least be one person to stabilize the stepladder. This assistance, however, have not been proven to actually be of any help as most stepladders have rubber grips that prevent slipping and the triangular shape of the stepladder is already stable enough as it is (although the writer has admitted that it may be weak against forces that act on it perpendicular to it's direction, i.e. to the open side). Normal ladders, like stepladders, are also commonly used but it doesn't provide the same safety as a stepladder, but does provide a longer reach than most of it's stepladder counterparts. Recent normal ladders can extend up to 10 to 15 meters, which may prove to be effective on changing lightbulbs that are far from the ground level (although the difficult placement of the lightbulb is subject to inquiry). However, ladders can be quite dangerous and is only usable when there's a stable and strong wall to hold it up, something a stepladder doesn't need. Like the stepladder, one person will suffice but another one to assists is more than welcome. Cranes and lifts are amongst the best in height and safety category. Although most models need someone to operate them separetly from the person changing the lightbulb, there are some that allows the person that will go up to control the crane/lift. The biggest disadvantage of these equipment is their unwieldy size and cost of acquisition and maintenance, which may turn off almost all consumers. Special lightbulbs are also essential to the question. Would one person be enough to change all the burnt out light bulbs of a billboard sign? They can, but it would be horribly inefficient. Although, technically, one person would be changing one lightbulb, the group of people that person is a part of have a singular purpose in mind and in this case is to replace all defective lightbulbs. There are a lot of other ways that can influence the answer to the question, it is not limited to what I have enumerated. As such, this one implores the reader to be open-minded and curious. -edit- Thanks for the silver (my first, actually) generous anon!

The wealthy hag leered at me as the noose cut into her throat, and I realized in panic that I could no longer breathe. When I had confiscated her property and sentenced her to the gallows for witchcraft, I had no idea that the charges were actually true.

France and Italy go to war. Who wins? Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides

What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished

I killed 8 zombies, 9 vampires and 3 witches yesterday. But for some reason, they kept dropping candy.

Want me to serve you food? I will serve you food My parents and my siblings were invited to eat at my brother's in law parent's house. We just got back from my maternal grandpa side, 7 hours drive. Because traffic congestion was insane during festive season. My dad drove halfway and switched with my mom and back to him. He doesn't trust me to drive ever, especially bc this is his precious car. And younger brother just got his driving license so he trust him less. And my youngest brother is 13 so naturally he cannot drive. I offered to drive, he always said no. Again, during this trip, I told him to let me drive, he refused. So I just gives up offering. When we arrived at my BIL parent's house. They cheerfully greeted us, food was served buffet style, you pick whatever you want. They have a lot of guest over, so food was a little low. So we have to wait a bit for my BIL and his siblings to serve more. The host told us to grab something first. My siblings and I went to grab ourselves a bowl of curry noodles. We were starving bc our dad refused to stop for food during the trip back from grandpa. We all took a seat in the living room. "I have three kids and all are so ungrateful even though I drove everyone here and so tired, no one helped me get some food," my father suddenly said loudly in front of everyone. We all paused eating. Everyone including my BIL's sister looked awkwardly. I only had a bite. I turned to him and simply give him my bowl. For some reason he looked more embarrassed even though he asked for it, he told me to grab some more chicken. I quietly got up, fill the bowl with more chicken. And give it to him. I didn't grab another bowl to myself. Lost my appetite. He took a few bites and gives me back the bowl. Saying he didn't want it and I can keep eating it. "You dramatically asked for it so much, you should finish it," I told him. He insisted he didn't feel like eating these and wanted something else. He only ate 3 bites and had enough. The host actually end up serving him specifically had a whole meal for him as a sign of respect bc he's my BIL in law. I end up finishing the bowl he didn't want. It was annoying, my father is a narcissist who enjoys painting us as his horrible 'abusive' children. He likes doing these sort of things for attention. So strangers can call us terrible and him as some kind of 'victim'. Today my older sister invited the whole family to go to her close friend's house, to eat and celebrate the festive occasion. I went with my sister and BIL with their car. We talked about what happened, my older sister found out about what happened through her sister in law. Even her sister in law said it was a bit messed up, "he didn't ask his kids first if they could get him a bowl instead just call out everyone and made a scene." She said she felt bad for me because my father was totally humiliating me instead of being a normal human being by simply ask. And she was right his goal was totally was to humiliate us in front of others. He is a pretty traditional guy who expects everyone to read his mind like when he wanted to eat or drink. So cue malicious compliance. We were the only family invited to my sister's friend house. And her family are VERY hospitable. They serve a lot of food. Like 5 whole big cow bones of soup. All buffet table full of food. Since I arrived earlier with my sister and BIL, I quickly piled some food on a plate. Round one, steamed rice dish with peanut sauce. The moment my father stepped foot into the house, I handed him the plate. He was dumbfounded and said he haven't even greeted the host. I smiled and said "No, no, you need to eat. This is for you" and he reluctantly took the plate. I watched him like a hawk. As soon as he finished the first plate and was chatting with the host. Round two, I grabbed a bowl, filled it with chicken soup and noodles and I went up to him and handed it to him. "Here dad, there's plenty of food for you" He couldn't say no in front of the host. My mom was totally oblivious on what I was doing and went to grab him a whole bowl of cow bone soup bc "dad likes meat better than chicken" pretty sure he had to say no to it because the portion are massive compared to the chicken I give him. After he finished the chicken noodles. Round three, I went and grabbed some fries and meat balls, put a nice side of sauce on the side and handed him a plate. He kept eating. Round four, I grabbed three slices of watermelon, and he refused. He can't eat anymore. Round five, the host brought out a plate of fried rice. And I can't help but grin as I loudly say "That's for dad!" And he end up having to eat half and mom piled some more meat on his plate because that's "his favorite" Round six, I grabbed more fries and meatballs for him and by now I think he realized what I was doing. He said no and ran out of the house and asked the host to continue speaking outside. Such a shame, I end up eating the sixth plate. I went back hom

The Pope visits Texas The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say no so he obliged and exchanged seats. It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph! Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor. The trooper called in and told the sergeant, "Sergeant, I'm afraid I pulled over someone very very important." In which he replied," Well, who is it, the governor?" "No, no, much more important than that!" "The President?!" "I'm afraid even more important than that!" "Well, who the hell is it then?!" "I don't know, but his chauffeur is the freakin' Pope!"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender… "Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"

A man who just died..... .......is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, “There's no charge.” “No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,” she says. “Honestly, ma’am it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. So I just switched the heads.”

Help the customer? Absolutely! Someone's spouse has cancer. This person has taken all the right steps. They've contacted all the right doctors. Set up all the right appointments. All their finances are squared away. They even have health insurance for times like this. There's just one problem: their spouse's date of birth is incorrect on their health insurance policy. This is causing issues with doctor visits and making it difficult to obtain life-saving medication. They're crying themselves to sleep at night. They don't know if their lifelong partner is going to be alive next month. They're just hoping that someone, somewhere can help provide the necessary treatment. They're asking for a miracle. However, as their insurance carrier, we're not allowed to make any changes to their policy. Why not? First, some background. I've been working in the soul-crushing industry of health insurance for a few years. It's as terrible as everyone makes it out to be. Everything is very compartmentalized. No one wants to take ownership and actually help people. One big problem is that our department only has employer-sponsored insurance. This means that your employer allows you to choose from different carriers such as Aetna, Blue Cross, or Cigna. After reviewing your options, you tell them, "I want Aetna." Now, your employer deducts money from your paycheck and automatically manages your Aetna account for you. "Perfect!" you might think. "That stuff is too complicated anyway. I'm better off letting the professionals handle the paperwork for me." Indeed, it certainly feels like a load off. But there's also an issue with that: a lot of people don't care about you. And they don't care if you've been in agonizing pain for months or even years. They just know, when it's their turn to take your call, there's another department they'll transfer you to, because they don't want to speak with you anymore. They don't want to hear you cry or see that their complacency is causing people so much pain. There's also another issue. If an employer has full permission to change your policy, then that limits my ability to make any changes for you. Imagine calling up your insurance and us saying, "I know that you have coverage with us, but I can't switch you to a family plan. You have to call your HR for that." I'm sure it sounds even dumber to the customer than it does to me. *Can the employer and the insurance not simply talk to each other?* Or better yet, maybe you've left your job for a new one. Maybe you've just enrolled into college. You need a letter showing that your old insurance is no longer active. You can't even get new insurance until you have that letter. "Sorry, but our records show you're still active. We can't send a termination letter until the employer tells us." Pure insanity. Here's where it gets even crazier. There's one employer we deal with who has taken full control of member enrollment. We're not allowed to touch anything. Change of address? Sorry, call HR. In the meantime, we'll keep sending your protected health information to your old address. Spouse's date of birth is wrong? And you can't pick up medicine at the pharmacy? Tough luck, that one can take months to sort out. We can't change the information even if we want to. It completely locks us out of the database. The most difficult part is that this employer is notorious for delaying service, having extremely long hold times, and stonewalling its employees. "Nothing we can do," they'll say. "You have to call your health insurance, because everything looks good on our end." This is a bald-faced a lie, or just sheer incompetence on their end, because the employer has to send us the right information, but instead, they're bouncing the member around just to avoid a few extra minutes of paperwork. Things got so bad, and members were getting so mistreated, we were instructed to start escalating our calls so that members wouldn't have to be the middlemen between our enrollment department and their employer. But like I said, things are very compartmentalized, even on my end. People don't want to take accountability. My higher-ups started saying, "Stop sending cases for us to work. You, the lowly service agent, must first contact the employer before we do." Cue malicious compliance You want me to spend an hour listening to hold music instead of getting cussed out by people? Say no more my friend. Customers were ecstatic when I told them that I would be happy to call their employer for them. "It's a bit of a hold time, but you don't have to worry about that. I'll call them, and I'll give them all the instructions they need to get this corrected. You don't have to worry about anything. We'll have everything sorted out by next week." Some customers would still voice their concerns. "It's impossible to get an agent from my employer on the line. Their system tells you to call back later. I've been trying all afternoon!" That's right. It would take hour

A Guy Goes Into A Bar A guy goes into a bar, orders a martini, and strikes up a conversation with an attractive woman sitting next to him. "This is a special day," he says, "I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replies, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asks. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answers. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man says, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today, they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she says, smiling.

Out drinking with dad. A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender brings the beer and goes back to wiping down the bar. Every once in a while the bartender notices the man dribbling a little beer into his shirt pocket. When the man gets close to finishing his beer the bartender brings him a fresh one and says, “I’ve noticed you dribble a little beer into your shirt pocket and I’m very curious, could you tell me the reason?” The man says “I’m taking my dad out for a beer, I carry him in my shirt pocket. The bartender laughs and says, “Very funny!” and walks back down the bar. He again notices the man dribbling a little beer into his shirt pocket and just has to know what the joke is and brings the guy another beer. The bartender asks sarcastically “Does your dad do anything else?” and the man says “Sure! You want to see?” And he gently reaches into his shirt pocket and lifts out a little man. The bartender is amazed as the man tells the little man to do some tricks. As the little man walks to the left, then runs to the right, jumps over a cigarette pack and sits down on it. The man explains that his father was on safari years ago and when he returned home he was this small. The bartender is stunned by all this and asks if the little man can talk, and the man says, “Why yes he can! Dad, tell him about the time you were flirting with the witch doctor’s daughter.”

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her... and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, & went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished & was still panting, the wife said: You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you? And then she switched on the light... No madam, said the gardener…

When 12-year-old Mary walked barefoot into the sheriff's office carrying her divining rod, I knew something was terribly wrong at the local settlement. "I tuned my witching stick to find blood instead of water," she said, straight-faced, "and I can lead you to the spot where they've been burying the missing children."

I saw a bloke pushing a lion and a witch into a wardrobe, I asked “What are you doing”….. he replied “shut up you, it’s Narnia business

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points." His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart. So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching.... The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

A chemist comes back from his lunch break. He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant. "So what *have* you given him?" asks the chemist. "Laxatives," replies the assistant. The chemists stares at the assistant, then the man, then back again. And the assistant says, "Well, he doesn't want to cough now."

An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband fart. "Seven points," he says. His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Hitler dies and goes to hell... As he arrives, Satan greets him. "Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please." Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a corridor with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door. Inside, there's a fully burnt figure laying on the floor, constantly being burnt over and over by sunrays. "Would you like to switch places?" Satan asks. "Um... Nein, show me ze other options." Hitler responds. They walk on to the next room. Satan opens the door, revealing a man being crushed by a boulder over and over as he screams in agony with each impact. "Would you like to switch places?" Satan asks. "Nein. Show me ze last room." Hitler responds. Satan leads him to the last room, revealing a fat guy sitting on a chair, getting a blowjob from Kate Upton. Without even Satan asking, Hitler grins and says "Ya, I want zis room!" He claims in excitment, thinking about the pleasures awaiting him. Satan smiles. "Great choice, Mr. Adolf." He then turns his head to them. "Hey Kate, we found your substitute!"

A math professor, John, has problems with his sink ..... so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

Little Johnny is in the confessional booth... ...and after he confessed a couple of sins, the priest asks him: "Isn't there anything else you want to confess, Johnny?" "Uhm, I don't think so, no." The priest asks again: "Are you sure, Johnny? Are you sure you haven't done something like stealing money from the church?" Little Johnny replies "Sorry Father, I can't hear you very well. What did you just say?" The priest sighs and goes for it again: "Johnny, I know you can hear me perfectly, and I know you stole money from the church. Why don't you confess it was you?" So, Little Johnny says again: "Sorry Father, I can't hear you! This confessional booth doesn't work very well." The priest argues, "There's nothing wrong with this booth. I can hear you perfectly from this side." Until Johnny says, "I swear I can't hear you. Do you want to switch places and see it by yourself?" So Little Johnny and the priest switch places in the confessional booth. As soon as they sit, Little Johnny asks the priest: "So, Father, do you have any idea of who's banging my mom while my dad's at work?" "Holy Mother of God, it's true, I can't hear a damn thing!"

Just saved a ton of money on my car insurance... By switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary..... ... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

Two old guys want to get laid So they go to a whorehouse. The lady that runs the place doesnt want to waste hookers on them. So she sets them up with a room with some blowup dolls. The old guys pay the lady; get their rocks off; and start walking back to their homes. One says to other "i think the broad i was fuckin was dead. She was all cold a rubbery..." The other old man replies; "really? Because i am sure the bitch i was doodlin was a witch..." The first old man wonders how he came to that conclusion. "well we were gettin kinda kinky an i went and bit her neck and she farted and flew out the window."

A older husband and wife are laying in bed... ...when the husband lets go a fart, and the wife says what was that? the husband says that was a touchdown, 7-0. about 5 minutes later the wife also lets a fart go and says its 7-7. then a short while passes and the husband lets another ripper go and says its 14-7. then the wife lets another one go right after that, 14-14. then a couple minutes later the wife let a little toot go and says field-goal! 17-14. The husband is laying there trying not to be outdone desperately trying to squeeze one out when all of a sudden he shits the bed! The wife frantically says what was that?!? The husband says it's half time, switch sides.

An Elderly Couple are at home... An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"

I saved a ton of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.

Magic Trick A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over. Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act. "It's in his sleeve," the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc. Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain. Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture. For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said, "OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

Why could the witch never get the enchantments right? She forgot to use Spell Check.

So a newlywed couple is in bed after their wedding day when... The husband lets out a massive fart and the wife says " What was that?" The husband responds "A game. Im winning 7-0" later the wife lets out a fart and says "7-7!" The wife follows up with another poot and claims the score 14-7. Finally the the husband fart so explosively that he shits the bed. The wife says "What does that mean?" The husband replies "halftime switch sides."

A friend in need On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last ( when almost everyone had left) he pulled out of the parking lot & started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy. They all got away!"

Ther was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row... and their time was up. In a new, enlightened program, the warden gave them a choice of three ways to die. - To be shot - To be hanged - To be injected with the AIDS virus. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly.) Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead instantly.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him a shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said,"Give me another of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was luaghing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom." Edit: there is a spelling mistake in the title...*twitch*

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic ! ! He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success. Panicking, he called the supplier ' s Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It's fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow's udder?" Customer Service replied, "Don't worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk. "

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin? They're afraid of change.

The (wo)man of the house Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

Two farmers were walking down a country road when suddenly they were passed by a headless biker. Weird, but – well... They continued down the road and after some time were passed by a headless bicyclist. At that point the farmer furthest in from the road stopped, grabbed his companion's arm and said, “Joe, how about we switch places and you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”

A little boy is bothering his dad one day, so his dad tells him to go across the street to where they’re building a house and watch them so he might learn something. The boy is gone for a few hours and returns. His dad asks him if he learned anything. The boy replies, “Well, I learned that when you’re putting the goddamn door on and if that bitch doesn’t fit, you take that fucker down, shave a cunt hair off each side, slap that shit back up there and see if it fits.” The dad, horrified, tells the boy, “You’re not talking like that around here! Go fetch me a switch!” The boy replies, “Fuck you! That’s the electrician’s job!”

Married Life An old married couple is laying in bed when the husband farted. "Seven points," he says. His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “it’s fart football.” A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score...” After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha! I'm ahead 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, “What in the world was that?” The old man says, “Half time, switch sides”

Racist joke A white guy goes into a bar and sees a black bartender. He says, "yo, nigger, get me a beer!" The bartender says, "that's very rude. How would you like it if I talked to you like that?" The white guy says, "let's switch places and see!" So they switch places. The bartender says, " yo, cracka, get me a beer!" The white guy says, "sorry, we don't serve niggers here!"

Why don't witches wear underwear?? So they can get a tighter grip on the broom!

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

Two drunk men visit a brothel The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act ,on their way back ... 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would u say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window.

Keeping marriage fun An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

A physicist recently won a Nobel Prize... Over the course of the next few weeks he is welcomed to many ceremonies and events as a guest speaker. On the way to the next event at Caltech University, he rehearses his speech again. During a pause, his driver says "You know I've heard your speech so many times I pretty much can recite it word for word." "Can you really?" the physicist remarks, and challenges the driver to see whether he can deliver the speech at the University. The driver accepts this challenge; they stop to change clothes and switch seats. They are graciously welcomed into the lecture theatre and the physicist sits near the front. Nobody suspects a thing while the driver stands confidently on stage and delivers the speech flawlessly and charismatically. After a cheerful applause, the floor is opened up for questions and answers. Normally no questions are asked, but a somewhat arrogant young man grills the driver and asks him a tricky physics question. The driver simply laughs and shouts, "Young man, that question is ridiculously too easy, I'll even let my driver here in the front answer that!"

Why do witches not wear panties? You get better grip on the brooms.

An old married couple.... ...... no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology... ... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him: - You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room. The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman. - I choose this room!- the man says. - Very well, - the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. - You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

My wife said "If you switch off the light, I will take it up the ass." She let out a scream. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first...

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch". You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

I decided to switch to a new barber My current barber just isn't cutting it.