50+ Whale Jokes

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out." "Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe." "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty." "Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp. "TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds." "Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin." The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... ... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name i

For my final wish, I asked the Genie to give me the ability to speak to and understand all animals. I had to burn all the CDs of whale song I used to fall asleep, what they whispered was never meant to leave the depths.

The whale jizz on my doorstep 5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum"

A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR." A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

A man is drunk in a bar, Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

I’m not good at comedy and look like a whale, who am I? I’m a whale

Best salesman, ever! A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesmen back in Omaha." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? Holy Mother of Mary! What did you sell him?" "Well, it went like this. First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles." "So let me get this straight." Said the astounded manager. "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!" "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Friend, your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."

I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

A blue whale is the largest animal that's ever existed It's so big that if it was laid out on a basketball court the game would have to be cancelled.

Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks what he can get them. The first whale says "WOOOOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEE WWONNNKKKKKWOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAWOOOOO." The second whale says "damn it Frank you're already drunk."

Two whales There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it." "Okay," says the other whale. They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?'' The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says: "Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other". And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. However, unfortunately, the woman dies after that month, because of a rotten banana or whatever. The two men mourn the loss of their playmate and partner for the following week. Then, one man goes to the other and says: "Okay man, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you, and the other day it's me." And so they have a good time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. The first man then goes to the other and says: "Okay man, I need to talk to you. \- Yeah, me too actually. \- We had a fun month, but I think we should stop. \- Yeah, I felt this way too. I feel what we're doing is not natural. \- That's right. Let's stop." So they nod their head in common understanding. The second man then says: "Well then, shall we bury her?"

Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them... Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes. Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it! *The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over* Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what would be even better? If we ate the crew members! Whale 2: Whoa whoa whoa! I'm all good for a blowjob but I will not [swallow](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2ib4wq/two_whales_are_chilling_in_the_ocean_when_a_boat/cl0y7sl) the seamen!

A man was at the bar one night... He had a few too many when he saw three obese girls come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention. The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, the man looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" One of them spoke up, with a loud, nasty attitude and said "It’s WALES you idiot!!!" The man apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?’

Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean... When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

A whale of a joke A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Did you hear about the new movie about the transgender whale? Maybe Dick.

A couple of whales. A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?" "Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

So there were two larger girls at the bar... I went to the bar and overheard two heavy girls talking with an odd accent. I asked them, 'Are you two ladies from Scotland?' One turned to me and said, 'It's Wales, you idiot!' 'Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?'

So two whales are swimming along... ... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!" The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water. "Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!" The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

Interesting accents! 3 hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they're done ordering he says, "What an interesting accent! Are you broads from Scotland?" One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, "WALES!" The bartender says, "Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?"

A string of jokes I heard a while ago How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper? Two in the front, two in the back. How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper? You can't because of all the elephants. How do you get two whales in a mini cooper? Same way you get to Wales in any other car, down the M4, over the Severn Bridge. How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter. How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge? You can hear them giggle when the lights go out. How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge? You can't *quite* get the door closed. How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge? There's a mini cooper parked outside.

I was in a bar when... I was in a bar in London throwing back brewski's when these two larger women walked in. They both had strong accents so I asked. *"Are you two ladies from Scotland?"* One of the ladies turned to me and said, *"It's Wales you idiot"* I must've been so drunk that I didn't notice so, I immediately apologized and said, *"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"* Don't remember much else.

A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"

And so you came to be. Two whales are talking. A dad and his boy. The kid asks: Where did I come from? did you make me? - Yes I did! The father said. Wow, that's so cool! Thank You dad! - You're whalecum son.

I took my kids to the aquarium. "If you get really close to the glass maybe the whale will talk to you!" I suggested to my son. "Grow up," said the woman behind the ticket booth.

Two whales are at a bar... The first whale turns toward the other and says, "ooooooOOoooooooOOOOOOOOooo!" The second whale says, "Dude, you're drunk as fuck."

Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation... and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

An American visiting the U.K ....... has had a little too much to drink one particular night. He noticed two larger females sitting in the corner of the pub so he walks over to spark up a conversation and he says, hello ladies, I couldn’t help but notice your accents. ……Are you both from Ireland? They sneer at him and the one says it’s Wales! So the man says my apologies. ….Are you whales from Ireland?

So a tourist walks into an English pub... A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says: "Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?" They get outraged and snap back: "It's Wales, you idiot!" "Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"

A man was drinking in a British pub ...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked. "It's Wales, you idiot" one answered. "I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

A backpacker is in the Scottish Highlands, when he comes upon a bar in a seaside village. He decides to go into the bar. There is one other person there, an old, burly man. "Yer see this bar here? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped the finest wood in the county, with the finest nails, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No." *points out the window* "Yer see that wall over there? I built that wall with my bare hands, found the finest stones and laid them with care, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? No." *points out other window* "Yer see that lighthouse there? I painted and built that lighthouse, used the finest paint in the village, and found the finest whale blubber to burn in the lamp, but do you think they call me McGregor the lighthouse builder? No." *looks at the wide-eyed backpacker* "But yer fuck one goat..."

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. A Father and a Son. The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?" Dad replies "My penis Son" Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad" Dad says "You're whale cum"

How do you circumcise a whale? Send down four skin-divers

2 Whales, 1 whaling ship One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

What do you get when you mix whale DNA with human DNA? Banned from SeaWorld.

Mama whale and Papa whale ... ... swim and look upon sailors coming towards them. The sailors are on small boats and have their spear in hand. Papa whale says to mama whale: -"They're hunting us, we should make bubbles and tip them over." The mama whale agrees. They dive underneath the ships and blow so many bubbles that the ships capsize and the sailors fall into the water, but they still have their spears in their hands. Papa whale is still weary. He says to mama whale: -"We should eat them". Mama whale says: -"Listen, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing seamen."

How do you turn a fox into a whale? Marry her.

2 Big Ladies So two large ladies with heavy accents walk into a local pub, the guy next to them asked, "Are you two ladies from Scotland?" and they screamed, "WALES!" and then the guy said, "Sorry my bad, are you two whales from Scotland?"

So I'm at a bar, and two very large women with accents are sitting across from me. I ask, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Scotland??" One yells back, "It's WALES you idiot!" I reply, "Oh, of course. My bad! Are you two whales from Scotland?"

I noticed two large woman by the bar yesterday... ... They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Australia?" One of them screamed back at me, "It's Wales you stupid IDIOT! So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Australia?"

Why don't they let whales into strip clubs? They tend to humpback.

Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them... Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes. Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it! *The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over* Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what would be even better? If we ate the crew members! Whale 2: Whoa whoa whoa! I'm all good for a blowjob but I will not eat the seamen!

A whale asks his dad "Dad where do I come from" The father whale replies, "well from my penis" "Oh. Thanks." Responded.the junior whale "You're whalecum"

Why was the whale lonely after his date? The other whale didn't humpback.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember.

Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum

A whale is having a conversation with its son. Son: "Hey Dad, where did I come from?" Dad: "From my dick, son" Son: "Uhhh, thanks?" Dad: "You're whalecum"

What do you call a group of killer whales that play instruments? An Orca-stra

What's a killer whale's favorite pasta? Penguini

Vacation in Britain gone wrong An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities. One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out. There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips. "Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?" The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!" "I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?" ..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.

A whale of a tail... Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I am NOT swallowing the seamen!"

I was at a bar.. Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent. I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?" I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!" I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Do you know what Pinocchio and your dad have in common? They were both inside a whale.

I was at the pub the other day, when 2 fat chicks walk in and sit next to me Thought of being polite, I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s Wales you idiot’ So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’ Long story short, anyone know how to deal with black eyes fast?

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

Two fat Scottish sounding women in my bar tonight... "Hey, are you two from Scotland?" I asked. "It's WALES you fucking idiot," one yelled. I apologized, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One turns to the other and goes, "BWOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU." And the second one turns to the first and goes, "Dude, what the hell?"

A baby whale asks his father, "Dad, where did I come from?" The father replies, "Well, I put my semen into your mother's vagina, and then you were born!" "Thanks, dad." "You're whalecum."

What's the difference between a dog and a marine biologist? One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

2 Big Old Gals Were Sitting In A Bar A man heard them talking and noticed a foreign accent. He asked "are you ladies from Ireland?" "WALES!!" they both replied "Oh I'm so sorry!.... Are you two Whales from Ireland???"

2 whales 2 whales walk into a bar. First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaa eeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

An old ugly wife is looking in the mirror... Listing all the things wrong with her old flabby hairy body while her husband lays on the bed watching an ocean documentary on TV. "I'm disgusting, aren't I?" He doesn't respond. "Hey! Answer me! I look like a whale, don't I!?" He responds, "No! Absolutely not, you don't look anything like a whale, my dear..." Before she could get out an "aww thanks", he says "Have you *seen* how stunningly beautiful those creatures are!?!"

A Young guy from Nebraska A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing! They just WAVED. SEA what I did there? I'm SHORE you did. Let MINNOW if you are not getting it. SHELL I continue?? No?.. I guess I'll stop WHALE I'm ahead. Thanks ladies and gentlefish

Three guys are stuck on an island... and they come across a magic lamp. One of the guys rubs the lamp and a genie pops out and says; "since you freed me from this lamp Ill reward you all ... now jump off this cliff over here and shout the name of anything, and youll turn into it till you get home." so the first guy jumps off and shouts "killer whale!" so he becomes a killer whale and swims home. The scond guy jumps and shouts "Apache helicopter!" so he becomes an Apache helicopter and flys home. The third guy starts running towards the cliff and right as he gets to the edge, he trips and shouts "Oh shit!" (btw im loving all the international jokes that have been sprouting up on here recently keep em coming everyone :D!)

Whale dad joke 'Dad, where did I come from?' 'From my penis' 'Oh...thanks.' 'You're whalecum.'

What is the most polite shark in the world? Whale shark, because it's whale-behaved.

The Tale of Two Whales A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

Two whales walk into a bar The first whale says to the bartender "WHAAAA-EEEEEEEE-OOOOOOO-UUUUUU" The second whale turns to the first and says "Frank! What the hell is wrong with you?"

whale joke Out in the ocean there are 2 whales watching a fishing boat. When the first whale says to the second "do you wanna see something funny?" the second whales says "sure" so both whales swim under the boat and on the first whales cue they release their blow holes flipping the boat. Both whales now back a safe distance from the boat the first whale says "ahaha that was great, do you know what would be even better?" the second whale says "what?" the first whale then says "if we went and ate the Fishermen" the second whale then says "I don't mind an occasional blow job, but I don't swallow seamen"

A guy is sitting at a bar... and he hears a few women at the far end of the bar. They sound like they are from the UK so he looks over and sees 3 enormous, fat women. he walks over and asks: "so are you 3 women from Scotland?" "Wales" "oh, im sorry. so are you 3 whales from Scotland?"

How to sound authentically Irish when bewildered, befuddled, confounded, or just generally in a tizzy. Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

At a small London pub, 3 girls are chatting. An Englishman hears them and notices their distinctive accent that he so easily recognizes. He approaches then smoothly and asks: "are you girls from Scotland?" In a condescending tone, one of them turns around and says: "It's Wales, idiot!" "Oh I'm sorry, are you whales from Scotland?"

So I was at this little pub in Great Britain..... I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

What do whales and milk have in common? They both cum in gallons.

Blowjobs and Semen So there's these two whales hanging in the ocean doin' whale stuff when one whale says to the other, "Hey, wanna do something fun?" "Uh, sure." "Ok, I have an idea, you see that boat up there?" "Yeah?" "Wouldn't it be really really funny if we swim up to the boat and and knock it over with our blowholes, sending all the sailors into the water?" "Yeah, lets do it!" So the whales swim up and capsize the boat by blowing water out of their blowholes, flinging all the sailors into the water. They laugh and swim away. The first whale then says to the other whale, "Hey, wouldn't it be really funny if we swam back there and ate the sailors?!" "WOAH BRO" says the other whale,"I'll go for the occasional blow job, but you can make me swallow the seamen!"

Three large girls walk into a bar... They sit down at the bar and try to order a drink. The bartender clearly doesn't understand their heavy accents so a man comes over to try and help. The man says, "excuse me, but are you ladies from Scotland?" They say, "No! Wales, Wales!" "Oh my apologies! Are you whales from Scotland?"

Don't compare whales to feminists... It's very offensive to whales

Whales in a bar Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "OUUHHHHWAHHHHHHH OUHHHHHHH AHHHH" and the second one replies, "Shut up Steve, you're drunk!"

Two whales walk into a bar.... The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA" The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk

So two whales are swimming in the ocean... So two whales are swimming in the ocean when they come upon a small fishing boat. The first whale turns to the second whale and says, "Hey! We should go tip that boat!" The second whale agrees so they both swim under one side of the boat and blow out of their blowholes as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the sailors are dumped into the water. The first whale asks the second, "You wanna eat those sailors?" The second whale turns to the first and says, "How many times do I have to tell you? I don't mind the occasional blowjob but I will never swallow the seamen!" EDIT: Eat => swallow

2 whales Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the blow job but there's no way I'm swallowing Seamen!!"

What do you get when you cross a weasel with a whale? A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

Antman receives a call from a Marine Biologist at Seaworld... A marine biologist working with Seaworld calls Antman to help him with one of his juvenile Orcas. He tells him that due to the orca's sexual maturity fast approaching, he needs to perform a vasectomy to prevent him from getting to aggressive with the females. Antman agrees, shrinks down, and is injected into the Orca. He performs the micro-surgery, but gets stuck in the urethra. Just at this moment, the creature starts to get arroused. Naturally this has never happened to the orca before, and he does whatever it is teens do to relieve his condition. Antman is suddenly expelled into the tank, and grows back to human size as he screams, "THANK YOU!" The orca looks confused and says, "You're...Whale cum?"

Killer Whales like classical music so much... That they form Orcastras.

I went to the pub the other night I went to the pub the other night. There were three rather hefty ladies having a rowdy good time. Their accent appeared to be Scottish so I approached and asked, "Hello ladies, are you three lassies from Scotland?" One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!" So I apologized and replied, "I'm terribly sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?" PS: Probably an oldie but I just heard it recently.

How do you circumcise a whale? Four skin divers.

Three men lived on top a cliff One day, a god said to them, "my children, jump off the cliff, say what you want to become and you will." The first man jumped and said "I want to be an eagle!" and thus became an eagle. The second man jumped and shouted "I want to become a whale!" and thus became a whale. Just as the third man was about to jump, he tripped over a rock. "Shit!" he exclaimed, and thus became a miserable turd.

What do you call a sea creature that only appears once a year? An annu-whale.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says... "Eoooooooohahhhhhmmmmmmmuuuuuuaaauuu..." The second whale turns to the first and says. "Frank what the fuck is wrong with you?"

How did the mermaid prostitute make all her money? Blue whales

Worst Joke Ever Two whales are sitting in a bar and one whale says "eeeyyoooo eeeeyyy yyeeooo oooyyy ooeeeee" and the other whale says "Shut up Steve, you're drunk."

Why does Mr. Whale wear pants? To hide his Moby Dick.

What's a whales favorite musical group? An orcastra

Two whales walk into a bar... The first whale says oooOOOOoOooOOoOoooOOOOoOoOOOooooOo The second whale says: "Karl you're drunk!"

All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens? An HOA