50+ Viking Jokes

Colleague was adamant he wanted "Asterixes" on his presentation. You got it buddy. I was working in a marketing department in the mid 00s. A colleague, Paul, was pacing up and down behind his desk, dictating a PowerPoint presentation to me whilst I put it together and made it pretty. He said he wanted an ***Asterix*** in front of every bullet point. Well I'm a terrible pedant and don't really get on with this guy. We had an argument yesterday (EDIT: I mean, the day before this incident) about aitch/haitch which he refused to concede despite me practically rubbing his face in the dictionary. So I'm in the mood to argue with him again. *"You mean asterisk, not Asterix"* I said, as passively as possible. He stopped and stared at me. *"It's an ASTERIX. ...RIX. It's a little star if you dont know what it is."* *"Yeah, that's an ASTERISK. ...RISK."* *"You're wrong. It's Asterix."* He looked at our other colleague in this three man department. *"It's Asterix right?"* John just shrugged silently and kept his head down. *"I wasn't wrong yesterday was I? Should I fetch the dictionary?"* *"No need. It's Asterix. End of story. Just do it."* *"I'll do it, no problem. Just to be clear, you want an ASTERIX in front of every point, not an ASTERISK?"* *"YES."* *"Ok buddy."* For the younger ones and those that might not know, ***Asterix*** or ***Asterix the Gaul*** is the main character from an internationally popular French comic. Since Paul was so adamant it was what he wanted, I quickly snagged a suitable picture from Google images; Asterix the Gaul wagging his finger triumphantly in the air. Perfect for making a point. Paul was hoping to print the thing off and head straight into the boardroom by the time he saw it. *"WHAT'S THIS? A VIKING?"* *"I'm confused. It's Asterix. He's a Gaul, not a Viking. It's what you demanded. Weird I know, but you were adamant. I did double check with you."* It was his second loss in two days and if memory serves, the last time we had an argument like that. 😅

What do you call a Viking who lost his boat? A Hiking.

Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation.. On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, he lets me in. Getting in, I noticed a girl standing alone. I approach her and we dance a little. She tels me her name is Sky and she's from Sweden. We dance a bit more, and after a while of her grinding on me, she notices my erection and smiles. She leads me to a bathroom and we enter a stall. She unzips my pants and starts going down on me. She was so good I came in less than a minute. She giggles and takes of her pants, motioning for me to eat her out. After a few minutes, she she shifts and now her ass in my face and i'm now giving her a rim job. She starts moaning loudly and pretty soon there's a knock on the door, and a booming voice shouts, "OPEN THE DOOR!" I freak out and open the stall. It's the Nordic bouncer. "What do you think you're doing in here?", he asks I'm in a daze and stumble for words. He pushes past me and goes for the girl, bends her over and starts eating her ass. Shes moaning even louder now. I'm frozen in shock. I finally muster some courage and ask , "What the fuck are you doing? she's my girl." He turns to me and says: "Sky's rim belongs to the Nords"

The Viking's Talent A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says: "World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!" He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood and with one swing cuts the walnut into two pieces. The man comes out amazed. 30 years later he sees a similiar poster: "World sensation: A viking cuts a coconut in half with his penis!" "Can it be the same viking?" the man thinks and buys a ticket to the show, where he sees the now much older viking slowly coming to the ring, placing a coconut on the table and after an aimed swing with his pecker two halves of coconut fall to the ground. After the show ended the man walks up to the viking and asks him, after this many years, why did he change from walnuts to coconuts? The viking answerd: "You know, at this age, my vision is just not the same."

Why are Norwegian women so hot? The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones!

Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again.

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair? Barberians.

Where do you find sleepy Vikings? Snoreway! Credit goes to my 7 year old

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death "Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"

There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation. He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.

It might take a village to raise a child... but it only takes a viking to raze a village.

What is a Viking's favorite music? Ragnarock

Did you hear about the Buddhist Viking? He believed he'd be Bjorn again

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night. He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village. Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village. One day, the villagers were fed up with his rotten behavior. They grabbed their pitchforks and sickles and ran up the hill to kill the bastard. They get to his house but it’s all locked up. They try peeking in the windows but can’t see a thing. They lift a man onto the roof and he tries to push aside the thatch to look inside. Suddenly, a spear comes through the thatch and stabs the man in his side. He rolls off the roof and lands with a thump in the dirt. The villagers gather around him and ask, “Is Hagan at home?” The man replies, “I’m not sure, but his spear is.”

How did Viking ships communicate? Norse code.

A hundred and eighty five cheese wheels roll into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve cheese here!" The cheese wheels said "That's not a very gouadea" A hundred and eighty five playing cards go into a bar. The Bartender says "We don't serve cards here!" The playing cards shuffled off. A hundred and eighty five trees go into a bar. The bartender says 'We don't serve trees here!" The trees decided to leaf. A hundred and eighty five vikings sailed into a bar. The bartender says 'We don't serve vikings here!" So they razed the bar. A hundred and eighty five miners walked into a bar. The bartender says 'We don't serve miners here!" They said 'Don't worry, we have IDs."

TIL: Norwegian women are so hot, because vikings only took the most beautiful women as prisoners. Gotcha ?

A joke fit for Viking Fest Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa. Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor. Sniffing the air and muttering, "Lefsa," he crawled to the stairs and half climbed, half fell downstairs. "Oh, Lefsa..." He crawled to the kitchen door. There, he saw Lena standing at the stove cooking Lefsa, with a stack of finished ones on the table. He crawled to the table and painfully pulled himself up on a chair murmuring "Lefsa." He was reaching out for one when Lena turned and saw him. She smacked his hand with the spatula and said, "Now, Ole, stop that! Those are for after the funeral."

Famous Deaths happen in 3s... Sunday it was Mr Fuji, Yesterday it was Gene Wilder, Today it was the Minnesota Vikings season.

What do you call a Viking pop band with a big gay following? The Pillage People.

A Viking explorer came home to find that his name was missing from the town register. His family complained to the town officials, one of whom said, "I'm so sorry! I must have taken Leif off my census."

On the Beauty of Nordic Women... Question: Why are Nordic women so beautiful? Answer: Well, the Vikings didn't kidnap the ugly ones...

A Chicago Bears' fan, a Minnesota Viking's fan, and a Detroit Lions' fan find a genie in a bar... The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of vodka the bartender opens. [](/sp) The genie says to the bartender: "Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires and make them come true." The bartender faints from the sheer sight of a real genie in his bar. [](/sp) Seeing this, the genie says: "Well, it looks like he's not waking up. You three gentlemen are the only here, so you'll have to split the wishes to 1 each. What do your hearts most desire?" [](/sp) The Chicago Bears' fan says: "I want all Minnesota Vikings' fans were shot and thrown out of a bridge." [](/sp) The Minnesota Vikings' fan says: "Oh yeah, well I want all Chicago Bears' fans were lynched and choked to death." [](/sp) They kept battling each other, throwing one insult after another. Meanwhile, the genie turned to the Detroit Lions' fan and asks the same question: "What do you wish for ?" [](/sp) The 3rd fan says: "Me? I want a cup of coffee."

What do you call a Viking who can't catch fish? . . . . . . -A cod-less heathen.

TIFU By making a guy choke in the middle of a long plane flight. So this happened about 2 years ago but it doesn't matter. So I was getting on the plane when a stewardess pulled me over just to inform me that I was sitting next to a 'special person'. He had major autism and had apparently EATEN his mum when he found her dead after she had a heart attack. Anyway, u sit down next to him to see that he is dressed as a viking of sorts. He had an eyepatch covering an eye and one of those viking helmets with one of the two horns broken off. So, I say hi and his carer next to him (on the other side) says hi back. Now, this is where the fuck up happens. Mid flight, everyone gets their food for lunch, the carer asks me a question about where I was from or something, and I I was turning to answer, my arm had a spasm and followed my head with fork in hand. The fork flew around strait into the autistic mans throat. This gave me a fright and I accidentally let go of the fork. This was bad, he was choking. His carer starts calling for a steward for help, and most people are freaking out. His face had turned purple... He was a one eyed, one horned, flying, purple, people eater.

Olie v. Devil (a bit long) Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well back in Minnesota about July it got alot hotter than this.". The Devil getting a bit mad at this point goes over and cranks the heat all the way up. "Is it hot enough for you now Olie?!" Olie replies "Well back in Minnesota around August it got alot hotter than this.". Now, the Devil is really frustrated at this point. He goes over and turns off the heat. The ground freezes, iceicles start forming, and a blizzard starts. "Well Olie is it cold enough for you now then?!" says the Devil. Olie rplies "Well back in Minnesota about January it..... Say did the Vikings win the Super Bowl?".

Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury. But that's just Water under the Bridge now.

What do you call a viking cemetary? A grey fjord.

Geeks and Sports Players They actually have quite a bit in common. They are both exclusive about their group. Demonstrating lack of knowledge of their topic is sure to get a response. But most importantly, both dream of becoming Vikings or Wizards, with incredibly strong opinions on which is the best.

Greenlanders finally decided to participate in the Viking Lotto They are inuit to win it.

Viking dad joke A viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

What kind of car does a viking drive? A fjord

What's a Viking leaders pleasure? Leif Blower

There's an upcoming Dreamworks movie about a Viking man's struggle with alcoholism, do you know what it's called? *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, ‘I must have taken Leif off my census.’

Intelligent NFL Fans What do you call a Vikings fan with half a brain? Gifted!

How did the Vikings communicate? With Norse code.

What were the football fans thinking as the Denver Broncos beat the Minnesota Vikings? If Tim Tebow had a deep thought would it be called a Christian Ponder?

Classic Superbowl jokes could be made funnier by substituting other teams such as the Vikings or the Lions.

Why don't vikings send e-mails? They prefer to use Norse code.

Superbowl Champion Minnesota Vikings

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.

What did one Viking war paint say to the other? Poly, you're a Thane.

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

My favourite Vikings joke. Blair Walsh

I eat my pop tarts frozen like the vikings used to have them.

[groaner] Have you guys seen Viking Wars? It stars Harrison Fjord.

In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday... How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you? They grit their tooth at you.

The Viking God Thor comes to Earth... and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"

What's a Vikings favourite dance? The Loki cokey.

Some say Blair Walsh tried to commit suicide... ...but it went wide left. Being a Vikings fan is painful

Ever hear about the lost Vikings? Ask the Seahawks.

Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home? A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.

What do you call someone who thinks Vikings are the best? a Norsissist.

What do you call a country ruled by oppressive Vikings? Norse Korea

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Did you hear the Vikings traded Adrian Peterson? They traded him to the Minnesota Twins because the Twins needed a Switch Hitter.

How did Vikings send secret messages? By Norse code!

Did you hear about the new viking movie staring the guy who played Han Solo? It's called Harrison's Fjord

What do The Minnesota Vikings and the Rev. Billy Graham have in common? They are the only two things on the face of the planet that can make 60,000 people on a Sunday jump to their feet and shout "Jesus Christ!"

The Vikings Gunner and Olav were captured by the English The Vikings Gunner and Olav were captured by the English during a raid. They were sentenced to beheading. Gunner and Olav debated whether beheading by the enemy was qualification for entry into Valhalla. Gunner said to Olav, “Listen. I’ll hold a pair of scissors during the execution. If I see that I’m going to Valhalla, I’ll stab the left blade into the chopping block. If I’m not going to Valhalla, I’ll stab in the right blade.” They agreed that this proposal would be satisfactory. After some arguing with the executioner, Gunner was allowed one hand free and a pair of scissors for his beheading. His head was positioned on the block. The sword swung quickly and WACK! Gunner dropped the scissors.

2 Danish guys just tried stealing the toilet paper from my Air BnB bringing shame upon their entire country! Worst viking raid ever!

An owl, A Native American, and rapper Lil Jon walk into a bar... The bartender asks the gathered public if they've seen the Minnesota Vikings win the superbowl recently, but he has a combination of a lisp, a thick accent, a stutter, and his voice is rather soft by default, so it is difficult to hear him speak. The owl goes: "WHO??" Lil Jon says: "WHAT??" A Minnesota Vikings fan says: "When?" An out-of-state foreigner says: "Where?" The Native American greets everyone with: "How." Bartender shakes his head and facepalms. "Why?"

What did the Roman say as a naked Viking charged at his squad? Hey that man is attacking us with three clubs...wait a second! Fun historic fact: Vikings occasionally charged into battle completely in the buff.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again