50+ Vampire Jokes

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart. Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex? Is it alright if I cum inside?

One of the funniest vampire jokes 3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire amongst them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

“You’re young, beautiful, and yet so mature,” the vampire said as he sunk his fangs into my neck. And that’s how I came to spend eternity with a guy I was attracted to in my early 20s.

Vampires aren't even real... Unless you Count Dracula.

“Remember, the Pontianak is a dangerous female vampire that will kill you to eat your organs, and can only be stopped if a nail is driven into her neck which is almost impossible to do” I told my kids. “So whatever you do, do not remove the nail from your mother’s neck” I continued as my wife collected the 2025 Singapore Mother of the Year Award.

You know why you never see storied about vampires in the British tabloids? Cos you aren't likely to see a vampire in The Sun... or The Mirror.

The vampire laughed as the little kid stood protectively in front of his mother with a toy gun. “I just came from church,” the little kid said, squirting him with water.

Three vampire brothers hold a competition.. The first brother who is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother who is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I didn't…"

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?

Great Vampire joke I saw on here before. 3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"

Why do vampires have low fertility rates? Because they can't come inside unless invited.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food? Nothing, vampires don’t exist.

Why don’t vampires ever go to italian restaurants? Because vampires aren’t real

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.

I killed 8 zombies, 9 vampires and 3 witches yesterday. But for some reason, they kept dropping candy.

Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."

What did the two lesbian vampires say to each other? Same time next month?

So to celebrate the Halloween season... ... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. EDIT: Wow, thanks so much for the award!

Three vampires are bragging to each other... The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry." The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors." The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?" "Yeah?" "I didn't"

Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please". The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a used tampon out of his cloak pocket replies "Can't a guy just enjoy a GODDAMNED TEA!?"

Why did the vampire pull out? He needed permission to come inside.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? Same time next month?

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall. The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!" Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood. Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" "Do you see that tree right there?" "Yes" "Well, I didn't"

Two nuns are travelling down a road late at night And suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car. The first nun says to the second nun, "Quick! Show him your cross!" the second nun then leans out the window and shouts, "Get the fuck out the way, you pointy mouthed weirdo!"

Nuns traveling in Transylvania. Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set. Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and snarls at them, baring his teeth. "Oh no! Mother Superior! What shall we do? There's a vampire on the hood of the car!" asked Sister Carlotta. "Honk the horn my dear, let's see if that will get rid of him" replied the Mother Superior. Sister Carlotta did as she was instructed, the horn blared loudly but the vampire did not leave. "Oh no, Mother Superior, the vampire remains, whatever shall we do now?" Sister Carlotta asked. "Try using the wiper blades, that may scare him off." Mother Superior replied. Sister Carlotta diligently followed the instructions, but the vampire was still on the hood of the car. "This is just terrible! How will we escape?" Sister Carlotta's voice was shaky and nervous. "Well, my dear, try showing him your cross." Mother Superior suggested. Sister Carlotta rolled down the window, leaned out and yelled, "GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!!"

What do you call a cheap vampire Dis-count Dracula

There was a vampire who went to medical school and became an ear, nose and throat specialist. He was pretty good at the first two but kind of sucked at the last one.

3 vampires walk into a bar... A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood. 15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same. Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water. "Why the cup of water?" the other two asked. He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

A vampire masturbating into a mirror. You didn't see that coming.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? (NSFW) I'll see you next month.

A vampire requested a cup of boiling water. The bartender said " I thought you guys liked blood." The vampire pulling out a tampon said "I will have tea today."

How often does the vampire go down on his wife? Periodically

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave... ... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal. The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?" So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave. "See that big rock there?" He asks. The other bat nods. "I didn't."

A grammatical joke Two nuns are driving down the road when suddenly a vampire jumps out and onto their hood. One of the nuns yells at the other, "Sister Mary! Show him your cross!" She jumps out of the car and screams at the vampire, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY HOOD!"

Three vampires walk into a bar The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood." The second one says, "I'll have one, too." The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma." The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

Another vampire joke. 3 vampires walk into a blood bar. The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges. The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges. The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month?

Some Christmas jokes! **What is the best Christmas present in the world?** A broken drum – you just can’t beat it **What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?** It's Christmas, Eve! **What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?** Frostbite! **Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?** They always drop their needles! **Did Rudolph go to school?** No. He was Elf-taught! **Who is Santa's favorite singer?** Elf-is Presley! **What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?** He got 25 days! **Why does Santa have three gardens?** So he can 'ho ho ho'! **What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?** Twerky! **Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?** Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.

3 vampires walk into a bar There were these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood and vodka." The bartender gives him the shot of blood and vodka. The vampire drinks it, and leaves. The third vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a mug of hot water." The bartender gives him a surprised look, "Why do you want a mug of hot water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "It's tea time."

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? Same time next month? (sorry if repost)

A Halloween Limerick A lady vampire named Mable Had a period that was awfully stable. So once a full moon She took out her spoon And drank herself under the table.

Best vampire joke ever, no really! 2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?" To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary." The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?" The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water" Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?" He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I making tea."

A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a... ...a pint of blood and some crisps. Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps. "Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down. A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells him there's no blood, just peanuts . Like the first vampire he takes the peanuts and sits next to the first. A third Vampire walks in and asks the barmaid for a pint of water and some pork scratchings. the barmaid gives the vampire what he asks for and sits down next to the other two. "Water?! whats wrong with you!? why not blood?!" asks the first vampire "Oh thats easy!" replies number three. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon. "Never heard of a T-bag?"

A vampire walks into a bar... and orders a glass of blood, the bartender thinks its a bit odd, but gets him what he wants anyway. The vampire drinks it, drops a good tip on the table and leaves. This happens for a good week or two and the bartender is getting quite used to seeing him in the bar when one day the vampire comes in, sits down at the bar. The bartender asks, "The usual?" "No, actually can I have some hot water?" the vampire says. The bartender gives him a questioning look, and the vampire holds up a bloody tampon and says, "Tea time!"

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five people." The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite

How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? With a steak to the heart.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite 🥶

Three apprentice vampire bats Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth. 'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher. 'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied. Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout. Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher. 'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied. Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood. Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher. 'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'

*NSFW-ish* Two nuns Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"

Three vampires walk into a bar... The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him. Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood" Bartender says "coming right up" Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!" After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns to the third vampire. The bartender asks " let me guess, you want a cup of blood as well?" Vampire 3 sits down and says "actually may I get a glass of hot water?" Bartender is in shock and asks "hot water? But why?" Vampire 3 takes a used tampon out of his coat pocket and responds "I'm having tea"

You see that wall? A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says, 'You see that wall?' And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!' He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?' They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!' 'Well I didn't!'

Why is it difficult to punish vampires? They can't reflect on what they've done.

*NSFW* A vampire walks in to a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. The bartender brings over the glass of hot water and with a puzzled look asks "don't vampires drink blood?" "Yes" the vampire responds as he pulls a used tampon out of his coat and puts it in the glass "but today I just feel like having tea."

What is a vampires least favorite food? Steak! ...I'll see myself out now.

Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood. Two nuns are driving through a rural English countryside, when a vampire jumps onto their hood and starts trying to climb onto the roof. The nun driving the car says to the other nun "Lean out the window, and show him your cross!", so the nun rolls the window down, leans out the window and screams "GET THE FUCK OFF OF OUR CAR!"

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?

2 nuns are driving down a dark road.. .. when suddenly a vampire jumps out in front of the car, and forces them to stop. He climbs onto the car and starts looking hungrily at them. "What should we do?" - asks one nun "Show him your cross!" - replies the other. so the nun shouts : "Get off my f**king car!!"

How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition? I don't know, it was countless

Two nuns are driving through Romania And they pass by Transylvania when a vampire leaps on their car. When the passenger nun fails to get the vampire off, the driver nun tells her, "Quick! Show him your cross!" The passenger nun shouts "GET OFF THE DAMN CAR!"

I told my wife I'm going to take us out to a nice restaurant this Halloweeen Wife: which restaurant? Me: no I think it's run by Vampires.

Would a charming vampire be a neck-romancer?

Pint of blood please.... A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Blood. The Bartender explains that this is a regular bar and they only sell alcohol, so he offers the Vampire a whiskey instead. Another vampire walks into the bar and asks for a pint of Blood. The bartender explains again that they dont sell Blood and offers the Vampire a Vodka. The Vampire accepts and sits down. A third Vampire enters and approaches the bar. Just before the bartender can contest, the Vampire asks for a mug of boiling water. Puzzled, the bartender grabs a mug, fills it with hot water and hands it over. ''What you planning to do with that then?'' he asks. The Vampire pulls out a used bloody Tampon from his pocket and says; ''Teabag''.

lawyers.... Q: What happens to a lawyer when you give them viagra? A: They grow taller. Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: Once you die a vampire stops sucking your blood. Q: Why do lawyers wear ties? A: To stop their foreskin creeping up under their necks. Q: whats the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer can drag a case out for years, a good lawyer can make it even longer. Q: why are lawyers like sperm? A: 1 in every 80 million turns into a human being And lastly.. A catholic priest and a lawyer walk past a playground where some kids are playing. The priest says "hey, lets screw those kids". The lawyer replies "out of what?"

Why can't vampires wear oven mitts? Because vampires don't exist.

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "see you next month"

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated... They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?" "Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood." "Alright." "I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said. "Noted." "One last thing, my dark complexion seems to scare people too much, can I turn into something white?" "Sure thing." **Poof** He became a maxi pad.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The vampires sit down and greet the vampire bartender. The bartender asks, "what will you be having?" The first vampire says, "give me a shot of blood." The bartender fills a shot glass with blood and hands it to him. The bartender then asks the second vampire, "what would you like?" The second vampire says, "a shot of blood sounds good, give me one as well." The bartender gives him the shot of blood. The bartender then goes over to the third vampire and asks, "what would you like?" The third vampire says, "I would like some hot water." The bartender as well as the other two vampires look extremely perplexed and ask, "what do you want hot water for?" The third vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "makin' tea."

Count Dracula walks into a bar... and asks the bar man for a cup of boiling water. The bar man quickly returns with the water as requested, and puts it on the bar in front of Dracula. Curious, the bar man says to Dracula "Forgive me, but I thought you vampires only drank blood, what do you want the hot water for?" Dracula takes a used tampon from his cloak pocket. "For making tea, of course" replies Dracula.

what room zombies and vampires can't enter? the living room.

Two peasants turned vampire hunters entered the local cemetery.... ...Looking for the dreaded vampire that threatened their homes. As they searched among the tombstones, they found one covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. As night fell, they begun excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear. They threw it open, stakes at the ready but found it empty. Off to the right, a small ordinary tombstone began to tremble and out burst the vampire! As he closed on the helpless pair he laughed saying, "Ah-HA! You fools! You have made a *grave mis-stake!*" *sorrynotsorry*

What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover? See you next month

What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See ya next month.

i found out how to kill vegetarian vampires a steak to the heart

There was a vampire who drank his own blood He said it tasted irony.

Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank? Sexual harassment

The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".

Three vampires walk into a bar... ...and sit down. The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink. 1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood." 2nd vampire: "I want a double shot." 3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water." The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?" The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

lesbian vampires What do lesbian vampires say after sex? See you next month.

What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? "I made you breakfast in bed!"

A British vampire walks inside a bar... The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."

What do you call a spitting vampire? Spatula.

Two vampires were talking when another vampire joins them with blood all over him. The blood-covered vampire asked the two vampires, 'See that town over there?'. The two nodded. 'I have just drank the blood from every human in that town in ten minutes'. The other vampire wanted to show off too, so he flew away and returned after five minutes; also covered in blood. 'See that city over there?' he asked. 'I have drank the blood from every human in there in just five minutes'. The last vampire, not wanting to be left out, proceeded to flew off, only to return again in under 1 minute; covered in more blood than the other two. The two vampires was clearly impressed with the last vampire's quick return. 'Do you see that pole over there?' the last vampire asked. The two vampires nodded eagerly. 'Well, I didn't'. TL,DR; the last vampire hits the pole

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab.

Two nuns are driving through the countryside, when a vampire jumps onto the roof of their car. The nun driving says to the passenger, "Roll down the window and show him your cross!" The other nun rolls down the window, leans out and shouts "GET THE FUCK OFF OUR CAR!"

Three Vampires walk into a bar The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink 1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood 2nd Vampire: I want a double shot of blood 3rd Vampire: I'll have a cup of hot water So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood, the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".

What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire? A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it.

Three Vampires in a bar Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one signals the bartender and says, " I'll take one pint of blood." The bartender says ok and served him the pint of blood. The second vampire signals the bartender and says, " I'll take two pints of blood." The bartender says ok and serves him the two pints of blood. The third vampire signals the bartender and before he can order the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want three pints of blood." The vampire says, " No, actually I will just take a cup of hot water." The bartender looks confused and ask, " Oh ok, but what for?" The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "Because I have a tea bag"

3 Vampires walk into a bar... The first orders a Bloody Mary, the second orders a Blood on the rocks and the third orders a glass of hot water. The bartender confused, asks him if he's sure that's all he wants. The third vampire smiles, pulls out a used tampon and says "Yep, I'm having tea!"

Three vampires walk into a bar... The first two order a pint of blood each, the third asks for a jug of boiling water, confused the barman asks "why?". The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit? He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.

What did one lesbian vampire say the other? See ya next month ;)

Someone called my call center today to tell a joke I don't think I've ever heard: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite

I'm a vampire that only feeds only on virgin blood... I'm 100% self-sufficient.

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?' The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'

Two Vampires wal into a bar. Two vampires walk into a bar. They both sit at a table and wait for employee to come. Once the employee comes one of the vampires asks for a glass of blood, while the other asks for hot water. When the employee delivers the orders to the table he couldn't avoid to ask: - Why would a vampire drink hot water? The vampire, slowly goes into his pocket and brings out a used tampon and says: - I prefer tea sir... **EDIT:** Just noticed I wrote wal instead of walk. I'm sorry.

What's a vampire cows worst fear? Steaks.