50+ Turtle Jokes

A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back. "I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh... who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before. My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard. Edit: mutant added** Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

A man goes to a costume party with nothing but a naked woman on his back. "What the hell are you supposed to be, then?" the host asks. "I'm a turtle," the man replies. "What a pile of shite!" the host replies. "How can you be a turtle when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?" "Oh her?" the man smiles. "That's just Michelle!"

What do lesbians and turtles have in common They both choke on plastic

What does a pedophile and a turtle have in common? They both wanna get there before the hare does.

A man goes to a costume party as a turtle

I was refused entry to a Haloween party because I wasn't wearing a costume. So I put my wife on my shoulders and tried again. The bouncer said, "I told you, no constume no entry.". I replied, "duh, I am clearly a turtle!", to which he asked, "Who is that on your back?" "That's Michelle".

My HOA's battle with the community cat Last year a cat started talking to mine through a window. I thought this was cute that they decided to be friends, but when I opened the door, the stray cat ran off. I assumed I would never see him again since no cats survive very long outside where I live. We have coyotes, hawks, and owls which have all lead to me never seeing the same cat more than once in the eleven years I've lived here. This cat, who we've since named Blue, is just different. He kept coming by to visit every day for a month. Eventually, he walked inside the house. My wife caught him and took him to the Humane Society assuming they would put him up for adoption. Instead they told us about their community cat program. They spayed and vaccinated him, clipped his ear, and told us to return him where we found him. We released him and assumed after kidnapping him and chopping his balls off that he'd never want to have anything to do with us again. Instead, he kept coming by. He would come inside, snuggle our dogs and cat and sleep with them all day, then go out at night and do whatever he wanted. Then we'd be walking the dogs around the neighborhood, and he would start following us which everyone who saw thought was hilarious. Everyone except my HOA that is. They got pissed, claimed the cat was mine, and told me that I couldn't let him out unsupervised. We started keeping him inside and just taking him on walks with the dogs to get his wiggles out because when he didn't get outside time, he would start destroying everything in the house. This was working pretty well, but he kept eating any low lying bird families, and this pissed off a couple of the neighbors who again complained to the HOA. So then the board proposed a change to the neighborhood rules that would require all pets to be leashed, not just dogs. A lot of people wrote in saying this was idiotic, joking about leashing their turtles and guinea pigs, etc. Nevertheless, the board passed the new rule. When I read it, I realized it didn't say anything about the length of the leash or that it needed to be held. So we got him a ridiculously short leash that he now just drags along behind him. I also contacted the Humane Society and told them how ridiculous my HOA has been, and they are going to send their social media team over to make some videos of the cat for their channels. Edit: so I think cat tax means photos. Couldn't figure out how to include photos on this post, but here's some for you [https://www.reddit.com/r/SleepingCats/comments/1cgbqej/mass\_hysteria/](https://www.reddit.com/r/SleepingCats/comments/1cgbqej/mass_hysteria/)

Post turtles. An old farmer was getting his hand stitched up after an accident at his cattle farm. He and the doctor start into conversation, which leads into politics. The old farmer explained, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer explained as best he could, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that's a 'post turtle.' The doctor remained puzzled. The farmer continued further. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there to begin with."

My favorite clean joke A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing head first into the ground. Slightly dazed the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes head first into the ground. This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him. The birds look at one another when the male bird says: I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.

My mate picks up women by pretending to be gay He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them. I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try. 3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though. Maybe this strategy isn't for me...

My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle. He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

A snail gets mugged A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here’s your girl. Ninja Turtles: Who is she? Mr. T: It’s April, fools.

So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles "Hardback?" she inquired. "Yes" I said. "and little heads."

What do you call a turtle with a hard on? -A slow poke.

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages .... and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

I saw a turtle that kept repeating the third letter of the alphabet… It was a C turtle.

A mugged turtle.. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

What batteries do turtles use? Durashells

Ring toss at county fair At the annual county fair, the ring toss game was getting the most attention. Everyone had tried repeatedly but could not win the prize which was a real horse. Of course with such high stakes people were trying repeatedly. An hour or so into this, a drunk wandered in. Looked around, waited his turn and on his first casual toss won the big prize. People were shocked and dismayed. There was a huddle and the prize committee decided that since the guy was so drunk it must have been a fluke and they figured he didn’t know better and he wouldn’t complain so they gave him a turtle as a prize - he squinted at it barely able to focus, said “Cool!” and staggered off. Everyone continued their efforts but after another hour the prize was still champing at the bit so to speak. Back comes our hero, just as sozzled as before, staggers up to the mark, can barely focus and just as casually as before, tosses the ring and does it again!!! “Well he must be genuinely good” think the committee and decide to give him the real prize this time. There’s a big hoopla and the drunk staggers on stage not knowing why - they announce the prize and hand him the reins of the horse to loud applause. He’s puzzled, looks at the horse and then asks the head judge - “A horse??? Can’t you just gimme a big burger, like last time?”

I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bear left in the forest. He's going to be a very busy bear come springtime. The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. It comes with holes for his ears. For his second wish the bear, who is also a bit paranoid, wishes all the bears in the next forest were female too. The rabbit then wishes for a rabbit sized motorcycle. For his final wish the bear wishes that all the bears the world, except him, were female. The rabbit looks at bear, revs his motorcycle and wishes that the bear was gay.

A turtle is sitting on the side of the road. A turtle is sitting on the side of the road when a chicken hops up to him. "Whatcha doin?" asks the chicken. "My buddy's on the other side there, flipped on his back by some hooligans, and I'm waiting for a big enough break in traffic so I can get over there and help him." "Why, I'd be happy to do that for you," replies the chicken. "Why would you do such a nice thing for me?" The chicken is deep in thought for a while and finally says, "I have absolutely no idea."

I went to a bookstore the other day ... After wandering around for a while, an employee in a colored apron approached me. "Can I help you find anything, sir?" "Oh, yes. Sure. I'm looking for a book about turtles." "Hardback?" she inquired. "Yep, and little heads." --- Retelling of a joke by Mark Simmons. From a list of puns published here: http://chronicle.com/blogs/linguafranca/2015/09/02/best-linguistic-jokes-of-the-2015-fringe/

Two turtles collide in an intersection. When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

What kind of photos do turtles take? Shellfies

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins. What a turtle disaster.

three turtles Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??" Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........ "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

Why don't tortoises wear scarves? They have turtlenecks

Why are the Ninja Turtles on the No-Fly list? Because they are members of an underground Splinter cell.

A man walks into a bar with a bag over his shoulder... Bar tender asks, what do you have in the sack? The man pulls out a giant turtle and raises it above his head to show everyone. He slowly pulls out his penis, brings the turtle's mouth to his junk, and the turtle bites down onto his cock. The man releases hold of the turtle and it hangs by its chompers from the man's limp dick. The man then pokes the turtle in the eye to get it to release its weight-bearing grip and says, I'll buy the whole bar a round if anyone else is man enough to do that. A lone man in the back slowly stands up with his hand raised and sheepishly responds, I'll do it, but...you better not poke me in the eye like that!

So a sloth got robbed by 3 turtles... When the cops asked him what happened the sloth said, It. all. happened. so. fast.

A sloth was robbed by 2 turtles Sloth robbed by 2 turtles. Cop asks if he could describe the assailants. Sloth replies, "It all happened so fast."

Jesus and Moses play Golf ...Moses crushes his drive off the first tee straight up the middle of the fairway. Jesus tees up, takes a big swing at the ball and slices horribly. The ball bounces off a tree and is about to splash into the creek but a turtle pops up and the ball bounces off his shell into the air where a passing bird grabs it and drops it onto the green where it rolls within a foot of the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says "So...are we gonna golf or we gonna fuck around?"

What’s green and has 18 holes? A dead turtle.

What do you call a turtle who sleeps during the day and is awake at night? Nocturtle

We used to call a girl at work 'turtle.' When she's on her back she’s fucked.

2 turtles walk in a desert They both have walked for 1 year now and are very thirsty. One day they find a glass bottle of water laying around. Since they dont have thumbs they cant open it. So the first turtle says to the 2nd :" Go and search for a bottle opener so we can drink". And so the 2nd turtle wanders off. The first one waits for 1 day. Then 1 week. Then 1 year. Then 10 years! He lost all his patience and slams the bottle against the rock to drink wat little amount of water he is able to. Suddenly the 2nd turtle crawls from behind that rock and says:" I knew you only lured me away to drink it all by yourself you bastard!"

what do u call a turtle running on a 9V rechargeable battery? Dura-Shell

A drunk walks into a pet store . . . and leans heavily on the counter. "Gimmie a shot of Jim Beam," he slurs to the clerk. "I, I'm sorry, sir," says the clerk, "you must be mistaken. This is a--" "Goddamnit, I wanna (hic) drink, you can't tell me what mzmblrf kn izzenuf!" shouts the drunk, slamming his fist on the counter. Blinking, the clerk reaches behind him, and hands the drunk a little brown turtle. "Please, sir; take this. I hope it will make you happy." The drunk stares at the turtle a moment, belches, and shuffles out, singing. Next night the same thing happens: Drunk shambles into the pet store, orders a drink; clerk attempts to explain the incompatible nature of the establishment; incoherent shouting, etc. Thinking it might work again, the clerk hands the drunk another little brown turtle. The drunk gives a little grunt, nods, and lists irregularly out of the store. Third night it happens again. This time the clerk's prepared. As the drunk stumbles up to the counter, the clerk raises his hand. "I'm so sorry, sir, I can't pour you a drink, but please accept this instead." Having sold the last turtle earlier in the day, he instead hands the drunk a tiny baby mouse. The drunk stares at it for a moment. "Whassis?" "It's a baby mouse. Keep it safe and warm and it will grow into a friend." The drunk thinks about this, then puts the mouse down on the counter. "Don't wanna mouse," he says. "Gimmie 'nother one of them roast beef sandwiches on a hard roll."

A chef if having trouble killing a turtle... It's a high class establishment along the campaign trail, and the Trump posse has just entered the restaurant, with Trump demanding turtle soup. The chef, a consummate professional, starts working on the food. But this time, the turtle is not cooperating. Every time he goes to grab its head, the turtle shrinks into its shell, making it impossible to grab and be chopped off. This repeats itself multiple times. Eventually Trump staffers enter the kitchen, irate. "Why is it taking so long?" One of them demands. The chef meekly explains the situation - the turtle won't show it's head. Without pausing, the staffer wets his finger, and promptly sticks it up the turtle's ass. PLOP! Immediately the head comes out, the turtle staring at everyone like they owe him an explanation. The chef cuts the head off, and the soup is on the way. "That was amazing," he says. "How'd you know how to do that?" The staffer shrugs. "How do you think we get the tie on Trump every morning?"

bad ass A Marine Aviator lands on an Aircraft Carrier. He gets out of his aircraft and has a shoe box under his arm. He goes down to the Mess Hall for lunch, looks around and says " I"m the baddest dude on this ship and I can prove it"! He opens the shoe box and pulls out a snapping turtle. He pokes the turtle in the eyes, it opens its mouth and he pulls his dick out of his pants and puts it into the turtles mouth. The turtle starts biting down, blood is shooting all over and everyone in the Mess Hall is shocked. He pokes the turtle in the eyes again it opens its mouth and he puts his dick back into his pants. He looks around and says " any of you bad enough to do that"! A young Navy Recruit from the back says " I'LL give it a try, just don't poke me in the eyes"!

At the watering hole, an elephant suddenly picked up a tortoise and flung it as far away as he could. A lion asked, "Why'd you do that?" The elephant said, "That's the same one that bit me on the trunk 17 years ago last week." The lion said, "Wow. Amazing memory." The elephant said, "Sure. Turtle recall."

Where do you find a turtle with no legs? Right where you left him.

Chuck Norris once flushed a condom Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

What should you do when you see a teen boy dressed like a turtle choking on a pizza slice? Check the surrounding area, get informed consent if his parents aren't close by, look for other conditions and try to get a respon- Aw frick, he's dead.

Once there were three turtles Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

A man is invited to a fancy dress party. A man is invited to a fancy dress party. However, when he turns up, he's wearing his normal clothes, and has a woman draped over his back. The party host walks up to him after a few minutes and asks him where his costume is. "This is my costume," the man replies, "I'm a turtle." The host then asks him who the woman is that he has draped over his back. "Oh, her? That's Michelle."

I saw a turtle during a thunderstorm You could say he was shellshocked

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.) If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit? Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

A bear and a rabbit are fighting in the woods. Along comes the magical turtle of the forrest and says to them "if you two stop fighting I will grant you each 3 wishes." As to both bear and rabbit agree. First wish the bear says "I wish all the bears in this forrest except for me to be female" the rabbit without even hesitating says "I want a bike!". The bear looks at him in shock trying not to yell at him fpr such a stupid wish. Second wish the bear goes "I want all the bears in this forrest and the next forrest other than me to be female" the rabbit starts laughing and says "I want a bike!". Bear gets mad again at the bad wish rabbit ignores him. Third wish bear goes "I want all the bears in the world other than me to be female" at this point the rabbit is in tears from laughing, he puts on his helmet gets on his bike and as hes driving away he yells "I wish the bear was gay!"

What is wrong with a turtle who can't come out of his shell? Ereptile dysfunction

Superman is bored... Superman is bored. He decides to fly around and see what his super hero friends are doing. He flies to the bat cave. He sees Batman and Robin fixing the bat mobile. He says "That looks boring", and flies away. He flies to the ocean. He sees Aquaman talking to sea turtles. He says, "That looks boring", and flies away. He decides to visit Wonder Woman. He flies to her window and sees her naked, spread-eagle on the bed. Using his super speed, he flies into Wonder Woman's room, fucks her real fast, and flies out. Wonder Woman jumps out of bed, startled. "Oh my god! What was that?!" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but my ass hurts!"

What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.

What does a Jewish turtle say when it first meets someone? SHELLom

Johnny on his first day of high school Johnny sat in a circle with the rest of his new classmates on his first day of high school. Teacher: Now kids we're going to play a game so we learn a bit about each other. We're going to go around the circle and each person is going to tell me their name, favourite animal and who they'd take on a dinner date. The kids begin to take turns describing tigers, turtles, ariana grande and jim carrey, until it gets to Johnny. Johnny: Hi my name's Johnny, my favourite animal's a lion and if I had to choose I'd choose Jesus to take on a dinner date. The teacher asks if Johnny is religious. No says Johnny. Confused the teacher asks why he would take Jesus. Smerking, Johnny replies 'for the free wine of course.'

What did the snail say when he rode a turtle? Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I'll see myself out.

How do turtles communicate? With shell phones.

Why do Lannisters hate turtles? Cause they can't stab them in the back

A cop catches a Z4 with European plates doing 134 in upstate New York, so the cop gets out calling for backup and shouts "Keep your hands on the wheel!" while approaching the driver's side. He instructs the driver to lower the window. It's a pale bald guy wearing a dark turtleneck and thick plastic eyeglasses. "Ja? I vas just admiring Ihre Autobahn. There is eine Art von Problem?" "Yeah, buddy," says the cop. "This isn't 'ear auto bahn.' You're in New York State, and you have to respect OUR laws. DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND. ME? Sir, step OUT of the vehicle please." The German obliges and the cop says "I'm going to need to look inside your vehicle," as he peers into the back seat. "How about you open up the trunk for me." So the German clicks open the trunk, which floats open to reveal a set of red lights illuminating a bloody flank of pinkish flesh underneath. "Put your hands in the air where I can see 'em!" shouts the cop. "You mind explaining this to me?!" "Vhat?" says the German, "There is just die Tool-Kit, und—" "NO, man! This . . . blood, and—" "Ah, ja" says the German, "es ist just meine spare Veal."

"I'm so nervous,... ...this is the first time that I'm with a prostitute." "Just relax and tell me what you like." "I like turtles" :-)

A snail was mugged by two turtles. A snail was mugged by two turtles. When the police asked him what happened, he said "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

A snail gets robbed by two turtles. The police interview the snail, asking for descriptions of the suspects. "I don't know," the snail says. "It all just happened so fast."

A hare, turtle, and a centipede ran out of beer at a party.. Wanting to keep the party alive the tortoise hands the hare 50 dollars and says, "Here, take this to the store and buy more booze." "Wait! The hare is way too drunk to go to the store." The centipede said. The tortoise says, "I'm not gonna waste anymore time! I will go." The centipede stops the tortoise before he leaves, "You can't go! You're too slow!" He says. The tortoise, who is now very annoyed, exclaims to the centipede, "Well how about you go!" And hands him the money. The centipede hastily rushes outside taking his jacket and shoes. Two hours later, the centipede has not returned. Now, the tortoise is very angry and decides to take matters into his own hands. He takes another 50 dollars and goes to buy the booze. He opens the front door and sees the centipede sitting right in front of him empty handed! "Where did the booze go!" He screamed. And the centipede says, "Hold on I'm still tying my shoes!" Edit: Tortoise

The elephant and the turtle An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the jungle, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asked the crocodile. The elephant answered, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile said, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A hunchback kid came home from school crying Mom: why you cry son Kid: kids at school telling me "fu***ng hunchback" Mom: let's enroll you at karate school so you can beat them up *kid enrolls at karate school* - A MONTH LATER - *kid still came home from school crying* Mom: why you cry son Kid: they still bully me even after kicking their asses Mom: were they still saying "fu***ng hunchback" Kid: no Mom: then what Kid: "fu***ng ninja turtle" well, I tried EDIT: formatting

What did the Alligator say to the turtle? Can I bayou a drink?

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree... After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate and chirped, “Dear, I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

Why did the zombie turtle have so much trouble dancing? Rigor tortoise.

Turtle... Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

One I made up..... What do you call a cross between a dog and a turtle? A cross. The animals around it have no effect on its name duh.

A turtle and his girlfriend leave the house for a picnic. They walk for a hour before finding the perfect spot. They begin unpacking their picnic basket and soon realize they have all the food but forgot their dishes and silverware. "You should go get them," says the girl. "Are you kidding me? It took us forever to get here. Let's just dig in," replies the turtle. "No, this is supposed to be special. Go back and get the stuff," begs the girl. "Fine, but if I get back and you have started eating without me, I'm going to be pissed off!" says the turtle. He begins walking and soon disappears in the distance. Two hours pass and he doesn't return. Four hours pass and he still doesn't show. The girl continues to wait but begins getting impatient. She eyes the food and her stomach grumbles. She thinks to herself, "He's a turtle, but he can't be that slow. I'm giving him thirty more minutes then I have to eat something." The time limit passes and she grabs some of the salad it and begins munching on it. Suddenly, the turtle jumps out from behind a bush and screams, "Aha! I KNEW IT!!! Couldn't wait for me to get back. You go get the stuff you lying bitch!!!"

How do Jewish turtles greet each other? Shellom.

Two turtles. Two turtles were crossing a road in the desert. One turtle called to the other, who was several feet ahead, “Slow down. If you spend your life rushing around, you won’t notice the subtle, meaningful things that make life worth living.” “Hurry up,” responded the other to the laggard. “Life should be filled with ambition and activity. Without urgency, you’ll come regret your empty life at the end of your days.” Just then, a boy of four years walked by and flipped both turtles over onto their shells, then ran off in laughter. “You know,” said the first turtle, after they had been rocking on their backs for over an hour, “I think happiness is really just determined by some shitty kid in the desert.”

A little indian boy asked his dad.. Dad, where do I get my name? The dad replied, "well, when your sister was born, we saw a deer running, so we named her running dear, and when your brother was born we say a slow moving turtle, so we named him slow turtle Any more questions 2 dogs fucking?"

A terrorist Walks into a Pet store A terrorist walks into a pet store and shouts "Run away you only have 10 seconds before I blow this place up!" "You Bastard!" The Turtle says

How did the turtle call his friends? ...on his shellphone

My uncle died from a turtle stampede. It was a slow death.

Why did the turtle cross the road? ...to get to the Shell station.

A guy goes to a fancy dress party with his girlfriend on his back.... When asked what he has come as he tells everyone, "I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle of course" "What's that on your back then???" "Oh, that's Michele he replies"

What do blondes and turtles have in common? When they're on their backs, they're screwed.

I recently went to a gathering for turtles... ..bit dull. None of us came out of our shell.

Three turtles were going to the airport... after 10 years they arrived at the airport but the found that they forgot to get their passports.So, they chose one of them to go back to get the passports. The chosen turtle agreed but if only they don't drink from the Soda bottle they have and they agreed. Year after year passed and the turtle didn't return yet. After nine years on the of the waiting turtles said to the second turtle "I am very thirsty, I will drink the Soda bottle" and opened the bottle when Suddenly the third turtle jumped from behind a tree and yelled " I knew you will drink you liar, that's why I didn't leave"

What kind of pictures do turtles take? Shellfies!

How does a turtle grate cheese? Shredder

Two turtles decide to go on a picnic It takes them two hours to get to the top of a hill. As they were unpacking their lunch the first turtle says to the second " oh no, we forgot the can opener for the beers". The second turtle says " well I'm not going to get it, while I'm gone you're going to eat my sandwich". The first turtle replies "I'm not going to eat your sandwich, just go get the bottle opener". The second turtle says "you'd better not eat it" and makes his way down the hill. Two days go by and still no sign of the second turtle. The first one says to himself "where is he? Its been two day and I've already eaten my sandwich. If he doesn't get back soon I'm going to eat his. A few hours pass and the first turtle decides forget this, I'm hungry so he opens the second turtles sandwich and takes a bite. Suddenly the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and says " I fucking knew it, I'm not going".

What do turtles and pedophiles have in common? They both get there before the hare/hair.

Where can you find a turtle that has no legs? Exactly where you left it.

I miss my old zoology teacher: Mrs. Turtle. Unusual name for a teacher, but she tortoise well.

Spirit bus A college student named jayden was waiting for the bus after a long day of shenanigans. It was almost midnight. Jayden's bored mind remembered an old myth he heard a while ago. It was about a bus that carried dead spirits to the other world and about it passing by the very station jayden was sitting on. Jayden laughs it off and waits a little longer and a bus came. He went on the vehicle and payed for the ride. But the driver seemed a little strange and the seats were filled with old people and people who seemed to be on the edge of overdosing something. Jayden sat down. As time passed jayden sensed that something was wrong and he started to freak out. 'I need to get of this bus! I'm..i'm not DEAD dude!' Jayden said while flailing his arms like a turtle on his back. Then he felt a cold hand touching him and heard an voice saying. 'Dude, ring the freakin bell.'

What did the snail say riding on the turtles back WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I came across a turtle in the forest... The turtle was making its way slowly down a forest path with something clinging to its back. Curious, I crept closer. Astride the turtle was a snail. And as I listened, the snail gripped the turtle's armored back and yelled, "Whee!!"

what do you call a turtle dressed as a guido a slowbro

My daughter wanted me to treat her like a princess So I let her get stolen by a giant, mutant turtle.

Did you hear about the gay turtle? Finally came out of it's shell.

The decision to cover headphone jack in the new iPhone is ridiculous! It's a bit like Steve Jobs sewing the opening of his turtleneck shut.