50+ Tiger Jokes

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant ! Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

My hat is unprofessional? Okay, how’s THIS Years ago I taught skiing on the weekends at a small Pennsylvania mountain. They oaid minimum wage for group lessons, but if you were requested for a private lesson, you got paid about 8x as much. Some instructors had business cards made that they would give out at the end of a group lesson so that people would remember their name if they came back for a private lesson. I was too cheap for business cards. Instead, I bought a surplus leather bomber cap. This worked like a charm… people would ask for “the guy with the bomber hat”. Plus it was funny and made students smile. But the ski school director decided it was unprofessional and told me not to wear it. He said it was not “ski gear” and that I needed to wear a skiing-specific hat. So I went out to the local ski shop and bought the most godawful ski hat I could find. It was neon green tiger striped that clashed horribly with our uniforms. The students still asked for me based on my hat, and the ski school director had no desire to push it any further for fear that I would find something even worse.

I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks about… …the other four letters?

Her ex, Tiger Woods joke. A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Old blonde joke. A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears. "What's wrong, dear?" He asks Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box." Ba dum-tiss

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke... A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…” He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Her family wasn't surprised when they found out she died during routine dental surgery. The tiger that she was operating on woke up early from his anesthetic the last time too.

What winks and fucks like a tiger? *winks*

A blonde is putting together a puzzle. She is very frustrated and asks her husband for help. "It's supposed to be a tiger!" she cries. "Honey," says her husband wearily, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.

I always wondered if Disney could pull off a good tiger villain. They Shere Khan.

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards without hitting a tree

Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees. After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that awful stuff and come run around with us." The elephant agrees and they resume running around. After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."

What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Mercedes????? A. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball more than 300 yards without hitting a tree.

I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and... a lifetime ban from the zoo.

A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a Tiger Wood.

A blonde calls her boyfriend... One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend. "Hey Babe!" "Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..." The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor. He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."

A lion would never drive under the influence But a tiger wood

My blonde friend called me the other day... Hey, can you come over real quick? I have a puzzle and I can’t figure out how to put it together. I have all the pieces spread out on the table and I don’t know where to start. All the pieces look the same to me! What’s the picture on the box? I asked It’s a tiger, I think. So I went to her place, and she opens the door, tears in her eyes, and a look of frustration on her face. I walk to her kitchen, look at the table, turn around and tell her: Hey, why don’t we have some tea? Then I’ll help you clean up the corn flakes.

Tiger's balls On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?", asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

Would a lion drive intoxicated? no, but a Tiger Wood.

So I guess Tiger Woods is going to have to rely on his short game a lot more now... Since he obviously can't drive any more.

How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you. Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

If Tiger Wood and Princess Diana played a round of golf who would win? Tiger Woods! because he has a better driver! I'll be in hell if you need me.

Lions would never drive drunk. But a Tiger Wood.

What advice did Tiger Woods' dad have for Tiger during training? Concentrate on golf—fuck everything else.

Pirate in a Bar A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that limb to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum." "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said. "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." " Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate. "A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise.

A man looking for work A man was looking for work. In fact, he was desperate. He heard the circus was in town and so he went and asked the ring master if there was a job for him. The ring master said, "We're lucky you showed up! Our tiger just died and he was a big part of the show. What we need you to do is put on this tiger costume and pretend to be a real tiger. Nobody will know the difference." So the man put on the tiger costume, and he had to admit, it was a very realistic costume. Soon the show started, and the time came for the tiger act. The man, eager to do a good job, lept out into the ring, snarling just like a real tiger. The crowd cheered. He did all the things the tiger was supposed to do: let the trainer stick his head in his mouth, balanced on a ball, and finally walked across a tightrope. The crowd loved it. But then a lion and a bear entered the ring. The ring master announced, "Now you will see these three ferocious beasts enter one cage together!" The man had no choice as he was herded into the cage with the lion and the bear. The two animals roared and snarled, and the man became afraid for his life. He began running around the cage, shouting, "Let me out! I'm not a real tiger! Help!" Then the lion grabbed him and said, "Shut up! Do you want us all to lose our jobs?"

A kid gets onto his school bus and starts annoying the bus driver... The little kid sits down in the front seat and starts saying kid:"If my parents were tigers, id be a little tiger!' kid: "If my parents were giraffes, id be a little giraffe!" Bus Driver: "shut up, shut up" Kid: "If my parents were dogs id be a little dog!" finally the driver gets annoyed and says: "O yea? what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a homo? Then what would u be?!" Kid: "A bus driver."

The tale of the clever dog Once upon a time, a plane crashed inside a tropical islands little jungle. A dog, being the last passenger alive, decides to abandon the plane in hopes of finding a way out of the jungle. While walking in the jungle, the dog notices a tiger behind it. The riger not knowing that the dog is aware of its presense decides to attack. The clever dog notices and says "Man Im so hungry! I wish there was a tiger nearby so I could kill and eat it." The tiger hears the dogs monologue and decides to return to its cave nearby in fear that the dogs words might actually become true. A monkey was sitting on a tree, and was spectating the whole scenery, meaning that it undertood the dogs trick, so it decides to go inside the tigers lair and tell it the truth in exchange for some free food. The clever dog though, being aware of the monkeys presence, decides to follow it, resulting the dog to hear the monkey-tigers dialogue. A few hours later the tiger rushes in the jungle in hopes of finding the dog. The tiger finds the clever dog (which was pretending that didnt see the tiger) and it was about to strike when the dog all of a sudden says "Where the hell is this monkey?! I told it to bring me a tiger and it didnt lure in a single one!!!"

I was sexually assaulted by tony the tiger today. I'm pushing charges for rrrrrrape.

I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, "Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth." He said, "Well you were mythtaken."

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

A blonde joke (that i didn't make nor take credit for) A blonde wakes up one morning and decides she wants to do a puzzle. So she reaches into the cabinet and grabs a box. After 4 hours of trying to match the pieces together she finally breaks down and calls her boyfriend for help. Blonde: "I've been trying to get this puzzle together for over four hours and I can't even find one piece." Boyfriend: "What's the picture on the box?" Blonde: "A tiger with a bowl of cereal on a blue background." Boyfriend: "Honey... Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

If a tiger was attacking your wife and mother in law at the same time and you could save one, who would it be? The tiger of course. There are only a few left 🐯

THE AGING EXPLORER A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

Why does Tiger Woods bring an extra pair of socks while golfing? In case he gets a hole in one.

Famous quotes.... At school one day Little Johnny's teacher announced that she was going to say a famous quote and that whoever could correctly guess the person who said that quote would be able to leave school early. Little Johnny gets all excited because he knows his history. So the teacher asks first: "Who said 'Four score and seven years ago..'" Little Johnny immediately raises his hand. "Yes Sarah who said that?" the teacher asks. "Well President Abraham Lincoln said that." "Very good Sarah. You can go home early now." Little Johnny is annoyed but knows he will get the next one right. Then the teacher asks: "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you....'" Little Johnny is almost jumping out of his seat at this point. The teacher says "Ok Barbara, who said that?" "President John F. Kennedy said that ma'am." "Very good Barbara. You can go home early." Little Johnny gets so angry he yells out "I wish all you bitches would shut the hell up!!" The teacher looks around and says "Who said that?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Tiger Woods can I go home now?"

What is the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? One of them has a good driver.

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? A: Santa stops after three hos.

Why did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!

Why did Tiger Woods bring three socks instead of two? In case he got a hole in one.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three ho's.

"I used to date Tiger Woods..." This guy meets 'the perfect girl' but when he asks her to marry him, she reveals that she used to date Tiger Woods and it's in the past and shouldn't ever be a problem in the future. He's level headed, can see that Woods is handsome, famous etc. so he's okay with it and moves forward. Some months later, they get hitched and on the wedding night, he 'seals the deal' in the honeymoon suite, then promptly rolls over to make a phone call. The bride says: "What are you doing?" He says: "I'm gonna call room service, for a sandwich." "Well," she says quite matter-of-fact-ly, "Tiger Woods wouldn't have done that..." He raises his voice a bit: "WTF would Tiger have done!" "He'd have another round," she says playfully. He goes for another round and is completely famished and well worn, so he reaches out for the phone mid shunt and she pulls him up about it again: "Who are you calling?" "Room service," he replies, "would you like some replenishment, too?" "I used to date Tiger Woods and that's not something he'd do." "I'm sure we agreed this wouldn't come up..." She cuts his elevated tone short with a tease: "He'd go for another round." Exiting round three, the guy is so finished, he pulls the phone to the bed and starts dialling directly from his sweat soaked pillow. "Who are you calling, now" she coos. "Tiger Woods." He pants. "I'm going to ask him what's the par for this hole".

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops after three hos.

Why do tigers always beat cheetahs at hide-and-seek? They've never been spotted.

Jesus and Moses decide to go golfing... They are both having great rounds until they reach the 7th hole. They hit their drives reasonably close to each other in front of a water hazard. Moses then says to Jesus, "You know, you should really use the six iron." Jesus then looks to Moses and says, "No, if Tiger Woods can use the seven iron, then I can use the seven iron." Jesus approaches his ball, and hits it less than 5 yards right into the water hazard. Moses walks over to the hazard, splits the water in half, and grabs Jesus's ball. Before he hands it back to him, he says, " Jesus, you really should use the six iron, you aren't very good with the seven." Jesus persists, and replies, " No, if Tiger woods can use the seven, than I can definitely use the seven iron." Sure enough, Jesus hits his ball right back into the water hazard. Moses once again walks over to the hazard, splits the water in half, and grabs Jesus's ball. As he hands Jesus his ball, he notices the group behind them is becoming irritated, as they are taking a long time to clear the water hazard. Jesus takes his ball from Moses, and walks onto the water. He then places his ball on top of the water and prepares for his shot. At this point a man from the group behind them approaches moses and says, "Hey! Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" Moses turns to the man and replies, "No, he thinks he Tiger Woods."

So Jesus and Moses go to play golf... ...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake." "Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again. "I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again." Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball. As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???" "No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at three Ho's.

So Grandpa is at the birthday party... And all the kids gather around his feet to hear his ever-famous "I came face to face with a tiger" story. He has told the story many times and has his delivery down pat, all the kids are eagerly hanging on his every word. He reaches the most intense part of the story,"As I crept toward the beast, the tiger hears me, turns around and charges me while letting out a tremendous ROAR....I just crapped my pants!" A child excitedly asks "Did you kill it, Grandpa?!" "No, I'm serious, I just shit in my pants, please go get your mother!"

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stops at three ho's.

Why Do Tigers Have Stripes? Because They Don't Want To Be Spotted

A young boy holding a tiger lily walks past an old man on a porch...... .......and the old man says "Where you going son?" The boy replies "I'm gonna' catch a tiger! Wanna come?" The old man scoffs and says "No thanks." An hour later the boy walks back by dragging a tiger and the old man is amazed. The next day the same boy walks past the old man, boy holding a dandelion, old man on the porch. Old man says "Where you going now son?" Boy replies "I'm gonna catch a lion! Wanna come?" The old man scoffs and says "No thanks." An hour later the boy walks back past the old man dragging a lion to the old man's intrigue. The next day the boy walks past the old man sitting on the porch, this time holding a pussywillow. The young boy opens his mouth to speak but before he gets a word out the old man yells "Let me get my coat........"

Tiger Fucking Q: What's black and white and read all over? Delivery Note (DN), mention "I bet you know this one" A: A newspaper.   Q: When is a door not a door? DN: wait for the person to really think about it, and get it or say they give up. A: When its ajar.   Q: What winks and fucks like a tiger? DN: This is critical. Wait for eye contact. Do not deliver punchline until you have at least a half second of eye contact. Longer eye contact is funnier. A: **wink**   Note - this is kind of a repost, but I feel as though [this joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3ogi26/what_winks_and_fucks_like_a_tiger/) is greatly improved as part of a lineup which gets people thinking about puns/puzzles. Delivery notes are included above, for use in the wild.

John and Peter John: Dude my girlfriend is pregnant, but I use a condom every time. Peter: Come here my dear friend and I will explain it to you John: Ok. Peter: A man went into the jungle with an umbrella. He saw a tiger coming right at him. He touched the button of his umbrella and the tiger died. John: Haha!But that's impossible. Maybe someone else shot the tiger. Peter: Exactly..

Little Johnny... It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.” Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?” Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.” Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.” Johnny is even more mad than before. Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?” Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.” Teacher: “That’s right Nancy , you may also leave.” Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these b tches would keep their mouths shut!” The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?” Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

A tiger goes to the gym... ... wearing women's underwear underneath his workout clothes. When he does squats does that make him a crouching tiger with hidden drag on?

Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a tiger wood.

I lost everything playing poker against a tiger Turned out he was a cheetah

What's the difference between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods? Santa stops at 3 ho's.

Sent on a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "How's ya gettin' on today, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?" Asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Lardthunderin!", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after 3 ho's...

Jigsaw Puzzle A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Kinky A man walks into a bar and orders three shots of Jack Daniels. He downs them 1, 2, 3 and asks for three more. Stunned at this, a women sitting at the opposite end of the bar comments 'woah, slow down there tiger.' The man looks at her, feels the alcohol taking instant effect and finds her strikingly attractive. 'Look beautiful, my wife just left me and took everything I had. You know why? She convinced the judge I was a pervert because I did stuff in bed that was disgusting and too kinky.' The woman looked shocked. 'That's incredible. My husband just left me because he couldn't handle my appetite in the bedroom.' The man drowns his 6th shot and says 'what do you say we get out of here and get weird back at your place?'. She agreed and upon arrival at the woman's apartment, they start making out ferociously. Finally she sets him down on the couch and whispers 'let me slip into something more comfortable.' Fifteen minutes later she reappears in doorway dressed in full bondage gear as the man is putting his shoes on to leave. 'Where are you going?' she asked him. 'Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm Done.'

What should you do if you come across a tiger while in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologize.

What do you call a man-eating tiger? A tiger.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stops at 3 ho's

Whats the difference between Paul Walker and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.

A killer jigsaw puzzle... A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started!” Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, try and relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, and then we can put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" she says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

A priest is on a mission among the African jungle when faced with a hell trigre. The priest then kneel and ask God to give the tiger Christian sentiments. In the next second, the tiger sits down and says, "God, thank you and bless this meal that I just got."

Robot A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender . The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers . The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, bout 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still happy with Barrack Obama?"

A young bear cub was roaming the jungle . An animal he had never seen before comes strolling out of the trees. He asks " excuse me what kind of animal are you?" The animal replys " well, I am a tiger" The bear acts suprised and says " are you sure? You don't look like a tiger." The tiger says " Do you think I'm a lyin?"

Johnny on his first day of high school Johnny sat in a circle with the rest of his new classmates on his first day of high school. Teacher: Now kids we're going to play a game so we learn a bit about each other. We're going to go around the circle and each person is going to tell me their name, favourite animal and who they'd take on a dinner date. The kids begin to take turns describing tigers, turtles, ariana grande and jim carrey, until it gets to Johnny. Johnny: Hi my name's Johnny, my favourite animal's a lion and if I had to choose I'd choose Jesus to take on a dinner date. The teacher asks if Johnny is religious. No says Johnny. Confused the teacher asks why he would take Jesus. Smerking, Johnny replies 'for the free wine of course.'

Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana Tiger Woods has a better driver

So i went to Walmart today... ... and asked customer service for gta5. She was confused so I told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks people with his golf club. She came later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

A man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers. succeeds

First day at the mental hospital It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing. "I'm babe Ruth. If I hit four home runs, I'm getting out of here" The doctors write down notes and move on to the next room. There's a man pretending to swing a golf club. The new doctor asked him what he was doing. "I'm Tiger Woods. If I win the masters today, I'm getting out of here" The doctors take notes and move on to the third room. They walk in to find a man holding almonds and cashews, masturbating. "What in the world are you doing?" The doctor asked. "I'm fucking nuts. And I'm never getting out of here."

What did Tiger Woods' dad tell him on his death bed? "Just concentrate on golf and fuck everything else"

I don't think a lion would play golf But a Tiger Wood

Cat jokes #10 Why does a tiger tell the truth? Because he isn't a lion. #9 If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats! #8 Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark! #7 What is cleverer than a talking cat? A spelling bee! #6 What is a cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews! #5 Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens! #4 Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted. #3 What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss. #2 What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show! #1 What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big, furry creature that purrs while it sits on you

A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!" And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."

Why Did The Tiger Cross The Road? Because there wasn't a Zebra crossing Sorry, my 5 year old son made me post this

A lion would never (Old joke) A Lion would never cheat on its wife but a Tiger wood.

A guy and his family are on safari... And they're traveling across Africa. they see the Giraffes, in all their majestic awkwardness, and they see the lions, with their intimidating beauty. The family then comes upon a herd of Elephants, and the child notices that one of the baby elephants is standing with his paw in the air, like he's injured. Without thinking, the kid jumps out of the Jeep, and runs up to the elephant. Turns out theres a large stick wedged in his paw. The young child pulls the stick out, and the elephant wraps him up in his trunk, lifts him waaaaaay up in the air, and lets out a big elephant roar, and puts him down. Fast forward a few years, and the kid has grown up and has a family of his own, as kids tend to do. One day he decides to take his family to the zoo, and they see the polar bears, all pent up and sad looking. And they see the Tigers, looking terrifying as shit, and they finally come to the elephant enclosure. The father is pointing out the elephant tusks and whatnot, when he notices something, a familiar face if you will. without thinking about it, he jumps over the fence, and races up to this one full grown elephant. He stands face-to-face with the elephant, and touches his paw. The elephant wraps him up in his trunk, lifts him waaaaay up into the air, and lets out a mighty elephant roar... then tramples the guy to death. So I guess it wasn't the same elephant.

A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife Saint Peter was right outside heaven's gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven. Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air. When he got to the desk he firmly claimed it was a mistake and demanded to be brought back to life to his beloved wife, children and cats (while banging his fists on the table). Saint Peter calmly checked his files and figured out this man was actually right, the angels of death had made a mistake. The man protested, he wanted to live again. Saint Peter told him it was impossible, but had on offer at hand for him: he could come back to the world... as an animal, not a human. He could choose any animal he wanted. The man thought about it, he didn't wanted to be an ugly nasty cockroach, neither a tiger since he would have to fight. He went for a spider. A tiny, insignificant spider. ABRACADABRA The miracle was made, and now he was a spider at the top of the tree. He was amused. He wanted to make a web, so started pushing it out of his ass. PUSH... again, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH... And suddenly, a voice: "HONEY, WAKE UP, YOU SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS!! OH MY GOD, ALL OVER THE BED!!!"

A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood

Discriminating Robot Bartender One upon a time, a guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology. The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says,"100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints, and LSU Tigers. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Obama and the government?"

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa knows to stop after three Ho's.

Every woman should have four pets... A mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed...and a Jackass to pay for all of it

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career? His driving game.

Did you hear about the guy who broke into Tiger Woods' house? Took a lot of balls.

Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn had a huge argument over whether to circumcise their son Lindsey went downhill from there, but Tiger made the cut.

An old man was telling his grandchildren a story about his trip to Africa "...and I was slowly walking in the middle of the Jungle, y shotgun tight in my hand, when a Tiger suddenly leapt out of nowhere and GRRROOWWW!!!! I shit my pants!" "Of course Grampa! Anybody would shit their pants when a tiger...." "No, No, No. I soiled myself just now when I screamed GRRROOOWWW!"

Little Johnny Joke Little Johnny once got into a bus and sat right next to the bus driver. As the bus moved along he started to sing: "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was an elephant then id be a baby elephant... If my dad was a tiger and my mom was a tigress then id be a tiger cub..." and so on. Soon the bus driver who was extremely irritated shouted "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a whore?" and johhny replied "Id be a bus driver"

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? Tiger Woods had a better driver.

Topical Jokes (5/21) Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words. First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos. More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping. This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's. TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes. In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a Hooters napkin. And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69". Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!