100+ Thanksgiving Jokes

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date."*

I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. It’s my jingle bell rock.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out... So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden." The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author." Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date!"*

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

While prepping Thanksgiving dinner my wife said, “Babe, I’m exhausted … can you roast the turkey?” I’m like, “Sure!” Then I turned to the turkey and said, “Listen here, you 18-pound diva carcass. You took four days to thaw and your head was so far up your own ass you were practically sucking your own wishbone.”

Thought this one was perfect for after Thanksgiving 🦃🍗🥣😆

Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

An extra hour "off". Sure, thanks! I've always been a malicious compliance kind of guy. I also follow the rules to the letter... but I tend to make them work in my favor. My workplace has traditionally done early dismissal on the day before a holiday. Over 20 years ago, HR discovered that people were taking advantage... coming in earlier and leaving earlier, coming in later and working less time, etc. So the HR director at the time put out a memo via email that the schedule for the "half day" before a holiday would be a regular schedule. You were to come in at your normal start time take your normal breaks, etc. Most of the staff worked 8-4 and dismissal was at 1. There is also a rule that employees must be provided a lunch break after 6 hours of work. I read the memo about the "regular schedule" and thought it was silly for me to come in at 8, take an (unrequired) lunch break at 12 (my regular schedule) and leave at 1. I would just work the 5 hours and jet. On the morning of the early dismissal, me and some others were discussing how it didn't make sense. I returned to my desk and hit "Reply All" to the email the HR Director sent out, asking if it didn't just make sense to skip lunch and work a straight 5. She and I had a history. I wasn't the best employee at the time, and I ALWAYS cited chapter and verse when they bent or broke a rule. Well, even though I was trying to be helpful and my idea would have actually worked out in the workplace's favor, I guess all she saw was my name and a question. She replied to "All" and in ALL CAPS "THERE IS NO DISCUSSION! IT IS A REGULAR WORK DAY. YOU START AT YOUR REGULAR TIME, TAKE BREAKS AT YOUR REGULAR TIME, AND LEAVE AT 1PM!!" This actually resulted in more lost time that the start-time shenanigans they were trying to eliminate. Now EVERYONE got an extra paid hour off, with the slight inconvenience of having to return to punch out. We're 10 minutes from a large shopping area, so that hour is a trip to the supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving, or stocking stuffers on Christmas Eve. For 20 years, this policy was carried forward. On early dismissal days, we would come in at 8, take break from 9-9:15, then leave for lunch at 12 only to return at 1 to punch out. It was changed a few years ago to a policy where you only had to work 5 hours to accomodate the people who regularly come in earlier than 8, but we are still directed to take all breaks on a regular schedule.

After I got an emotional support dog and my hallucinations went away, my doctor finally declared me cured on paper last August. At Thanksgiving dinner five months later, my family members were all waiting to meet Fido, and asked me why there was a second turkey still marinating on the kitchen counter.

What do Americans and Putin have in common? They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.

Divorce An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Thanksgiving is probably the only day that there are more searches for "stuffing" on Google than on PornHub.

Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stand Christmas, too many presents. Thanksgiving is no better, he’s allergic to turkey. Halloween too many people dress up like him. Valentine’s day too much pressure. But today he gets his chocolate egg and he’s happy Have to love Easter, baby

A woman goes to get a tattoo The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey. Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

What are the Russians eating for thanksgiving? Beef with turkey

Take a cab if you're drinking With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social event" with friends. This past Friday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with several friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by several glasses of wine. Despite my jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it. Be safe out there

It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey? Russia

So my girlfriend and my mom have never met... So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is retarded. Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!

What did the pepper say to the salt? “Season’s greetings.” Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf ‏@adamzopf

A young boy walks in on his parents arguing... It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The father angrily storms out of the room and the boy, confused about all the terminology asks his mother the meaning of all of the profanities. Afraid of exposing him to profane things too early, she replies "Bitches and bastards are uncles and aunts, and crooked dicks and floppy tits are hats and coats." The boy nods and runs off and finds his dad in the bathroom, shaving his face before the family arrives. Startled by his sons sudden appearance he cuts his chin with the razor. "Shit!" yells the father. Confused again, the child asks what this means. "Shit is shaving cream" says the father. The child nods and runs back into the kitchen where his mom is stuffing the turkey. Right as the boy runs in he startles his mother and she yells "Oh fuck!" The boy asks yet again what the profanity means, and she says "fuck is turkey stuffing." Right as the boy nods, the doorbell rings, and he yells "I'll get it." He runs to the door, swings it wide open, and says "Hi Bitch, Hi Bastard. Can I take your crooked dicks and floppy tits? My dad's in the bathroom putting shit all over his face and my mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

Of moms and ladels A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following: Dear Mom, We're not saying you "did" take the ladle, we're not saying you "did not" take the ladle. All we're saying is that it's been missing since you left. The mom replies: Dear Son, I'm not saying you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. All I'm saying is if Jennifer were sleeping in her own bed, she would've found the ladle.

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped. A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

Tasty Tattoo My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other. She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Catholic School So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs. Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew. The next week, Thanksgiving rolls around and the parents have the neighbors over to eat Turkey with them. The neighbor after a while can't help but remark "I know it's not my place, but your son is very unruly." The parents sigh and say they have no idea what to do with him. The neighbor replies "I know you're Jewish but try Catholic School. Those nuns instill serious discipline in children." Feeling out of options, the parents do enroll the son in Catholic School, and that same day he comes home from school the model son they always wished he was. The parents are flabbergasted. They ask "Did the nuns beat you?", and the son replies "No mother, they did not." So the parent's say "Then how did this happen?" and the son replied "Well, when I saw the guy hanging on the wall there, I knew they meant business!"

If you want to break your addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers... you need to quit cold turkey.

Another little Timmy joke Little Timmy is at home, waiting for his grandparents to come for Thanksgiving. He's really bored, so he decides to go scare his mother. He sneaks into her bathroom and yells 'BOO'. Lipstick smears across her face as she jumps and she screams 'SHIT'. Timmy looks at his mom and asks 'Mommy, what's shit?' 'Uhh, shit is makeup!' 'Ok mommy!' Since scaring his mom was so fun, he decides to scare his dad. He sneaks to the kitchen and yells 'BOO'. Blood spatters as his dad's kitchen knife cuts his finger. 'FUCK!' 'Daddy, what's fuck?' 'Uhh,' His father looked around and saw the half carved turkey 'fuck is.. cutting!' 'Ok daddy'. Dingdongdingdong. The grandparents are here. Timmy answers the door and says "Hello grandma and grandpa! Mommy's in the bathroom rubbing shit all over her face and daddy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!' This is in response to [this joke](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1b0sts/little_timmy_woke_up_one_morning_desperate_to_pee/). I said I'd post the version I heard, so here it is...

Timmy's Thanksgiving Timmy was a good kid. Thanksgiving day he walked into his living room and saw his parents fighting. They were yelling back and forth "you bitch, you bastard, you bitch, you bastard." Timmy asked, "What's a bitch and a bastard?" His mom said, "A bitch and bastard are polite ways to say lady and gentleman. Now go outside and play." So Timmy went outside and was playing when he heard a voice coming from his next door neighbor's window. The voice said, "Stick your penis in my vagina." Timmy went inside and asked his mom what a penis and vagina were. His mom said, "A penis and vagina are terms for scarf and coat." After this, Timmy went upstairs to see what his father was doing. His dad was shaving. Suddenly his dad cut himself and yelled, "SHIT!" Timmy asked, "What is shit?" His dad said, " Shit is a type of shaving cream. Now go downstairs." Timmy went downstairs and into the kitchen. His mom was carving the turkey. His mom cut herself and shouted, "Fuck!" Timmy asked, "What is fuck mom?" His mom said, "Fuck is a way to carve a turkey." All of a sudden the doorbell rang announcing the arrival of the guests. Timmy went to answer the door. He opened the door and said, " Hello bitches and bastards, let me take you penises and vaginas, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie But some people say that's irrational...

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire? How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

My family has enough sense to reject Trump so every Thanksgiving I'm forced to start fights by talking shit about my Mom's stuffing.

A child walks in on his parents having an argument A child walks in on his parents having an argument and he hears "You bitch!" and "You bastard!" He asks, "What does that mean?". His parents, not expecting the question, answer "They're other words for 'Ladies and Gentlemen'." The child later walks in on his parents having make-up sex and hears "Nice tits!" and "Nice dick!" He asks, "What does that mean?" His parents answer "It means 'coats and hats'." The next day is Thanksgiving. The father is in the bathroom shaving when he cuts himself with the razor and shouts "Shit!" The child overhears and asks "What does that mean?" "It's the brand of shaving cream that I use", the father replies. Downstairs, his mother is preparing Thanksgiving dinner when she cuts her finger with a knife and yells "Fuck!". "What does that mean?" the child asks. His mother, impatient and in pain, replies, "It means 'Stuff', okay?". Just then, the doorbell rings to announce their guests for dinner. The child opens the door to greet them and says: "Hello, bitches and bastards. You may leave your tits and dicks by the door. My parents will be with you shortly: my dad has shit on his face and my mom's fucking the turkey!"

What did the hipster say the day after thanksgiving? I liked the leftovers before they were cool.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a Turkey and a Pine Tree on her inner thighs... The artist says, "I'll do it, lady, but I gotta know: why the hell would you want those tatted on either side?" She says, "Because I'm fucking sick of hearing my husband tell me that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A great one to tell at thanksgiving parties... It's two days before thanksgiving. A young boy wakes up, and, upon walking across the hall to his parents' room, hears them talking about last night's sex. But the only words he can make out through the door are 'dicks' and 'vaginas.' He opens the door and immediately asks, "Mommy, Daddy, what are dicks and vaginas?" His dad quickly answers, "They're just fancy words for hats and coats." Satisfied with this, the boy leaves the room. Later that day, while his mom was prepping a turkey that she had just bought, she accidentally cut herself and immediately shouted out, "FUCK!" Upon hearing this, the young boy rushes into the kitchen and asks, "Mommy, what does fuck mean?" She quickly responds, "it's just a way of cooking the turkey" Now, it is thanksgiving day, and the father is shaving, when he accidentally cuts himself, and yells out "SHIT" The young boy rushes in and asks, "daddy, what does shit mean?" Thinking fast, his dad says, "it's just the brand of shaving cream I'm using." And then the doorbell rang. The young boy's dad told him to get the door. The boy rushed to the door, opened it, and, upon seeing his guests, said "Good evening. May I take your dicks and vaginas please? My mom is In the kitchen, fucking the turkey, and my dad is upstairs, scraping the shit off of his face..."

Dad's definition of fucking shit bitches hoses!!! One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”. Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”. Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

Ok, r/Jokes, I I realize that it's still Thanksgiving, but I need your help: what are your dirtiest Santa/elf related jokes? My girlfriend is wanting to get kinky in an elf costume tomorrow, and Santa is in need of some good puns for the naughty dirty talk...

What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving? Pump kin pie. Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!

The little girl who didn't know what cuss words meant. A little girl is sitting in the living room on thanksgiving and her parents begin to have a fight and the mom calls the dad a bastard and the dad calls the mom a bitch, so the little girl asks her mom "what's a bitch and a bastard?" And the mom replies " a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentleman." The little girl then starts going up stairs when her dad cuts himself while shaving and screams "shit!" She asks her dad "daddy, what's shit?" He replies with "its a type of shaving cream." Then she goes up to the attic to look for decorations and hears the neighbors yell "stick your penis in my vagina!" And she rushes back down to the second floor and goes " daddy what's a penis and a vagina?" Her father tells her "a penis is a coat and a vagina is a closet." She says "OK" and proceeds downstairs and while she's walking downstairs he mom cuts herself while carving the turkey and exclaims "fuck!" The little girl then asks "mommy, what's fuck?" Her mom says "fuck is a way of cutting a turkey." The little girl then sits down to wait for her family. Shortly after, she hears the doorbell ring and opens the door for her family and says "hello bitches and bastards may I take your penis' and stick them in my vagina? My dads upstairs shaving shit off his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

A mother sends her son to the store for a turkey A mother sends her son to the store with $60 for a turkey for Thanksgiving. He comes back with a turkey and hands her back $60, so she asks him, "Where did you get that turkey, son?" He says, "I won it, Momma. They said the person with the biggest pecker gets a turkey." "So you took your pecker out and showed it, all in front of those people?" "No, just enough to win."

You want to know what's the toughest part about Thanksgiving dinner at my house? The sexual tensions

I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

Shrimp A little boy runs into the kitchen where his mother is making Thanksgiving dinner "Mama, Mama, Grandma's in the living room with her shrimps hanging out!" The mother, a little confused, finishes up what she's doing and goes in to investigate. Sure enough, there's Grandma, who is a little out of her mind, laid back in the recliner with her dress hiked up over her head and her pussy in plain view. The mother, quite taken aback figures this is a good time to teach her son a little about the birds and the bees tell him "That's not her shrimps... that's her vagina... that's where babies come from" The boy shrugs his shoulders and says "Tastes like shrimp to me..."

This joke gets told EVERY Thanksgiving... Might as well (re)post it here. "How to cook a turkey" "How to cook a turkey" Step 1: Go buy a turkey Turkey Dinner Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD Step 3: Put turkey in the oven Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens Cup of Beer Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink Step 7: Turn oven the on Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky Step 9: Turk the bastey Alcoholic Beverage Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours Bottle of Wine Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick Step 17: Turk the carvey Turkey Dinner Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

I ate so much at Thanksgiving, I had to loosen my Fitbit. (Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

What do America and Russia have in common? They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner? He lost track of thyme. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why shouldn't you join Alcoholics Anonymous on Thanksgiving? Because all they serve is cold turkey.

Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.

A man who has been in the police force for 30 years A man who has been in the police force for 30 years decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a month. After living like this for a few years he hears a knock on his door, thinking it strange as the paper boy had come just the other week he opened it with caution to see a large, hairy man standing there. He explained to the ex-cop that he was his neighbor from 20 miles down and wished to invite him to a thanksgiving party. The cop replied "Why not, I haven't seen any other people in quite a while." The other man says to him "Now I gotta warn ya, there'll be some fightin'" the cop nodded and informed him that he had been a cop for 30 years, and it wasn't an issue. "There'll be some eatin'" the cop again tells him it won't be an issue. "There'll be some fuckin'" the cop explains he hasn't felt the touch of a woman in a while, so again no problem. With that the man begins to leave but the cop stops him, and asks him "What should I wear?" The man replies, "What does it matter? It'll just be the two of us!"

A lady goes to a tattoo parlor A lady goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a tattoo of a turkey on her left thigh. A week later she gets a tattoo of Santa Claus on her right thigh. The artist asked what's the significance. she replies turkey is for Thanksgiving, Santa is for Christmas. My husband complains there is nothing to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, now he can't complain

Latex gloves A happy couple are laying in bed when the husband farts, the wife says to him "Harry, you fart every morning in bed. One day you're going to fart your guts out!" Harry just grunted and ignored her. 4 months later... It's the morning after thanksgiving and the wife Fiona is looking in the fridge when she notices the insides of the turkey in plastic wrap. She knows what she had to do. She goes upstairs and while Harry is sleeping she slips the insides into his boxers. She goes back downstairs and acts like nothing ever happened. 15 minutes later... Fiona hears a scream from upstairs, and she sees Harry run down the stairs straight into the bathroom. 10 minutes later... Fiona hears the door open and Harry walks out of the bathroom. "Are you okay honey? Fiona's says. "Well, you know how you said I would fart my guys out? Well it happened, but with some pliers and a pair of latex gloves I managed to get most of them back in.

Chickens are Illuminati As of 2011 there is an estimated 19 billion chickens in the world or 3 for every person. What has 3 sides? A triangle. Where can you see triangles? The pyramids. Where are the pyramids? Egypt. What did Egyptians worship? Cats and dogs. Cats and dogs are rivals such as chickens and turkeys. When do people eat turkey the most? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a few weeks away from Christmas in the USA. What's on the other side of the world from the USA? Japan. What do Japanese people eat on Christmas? KFC. What is the 3rd letter in KFC? Chicken. Notice how I said 3rd letter; 3rd as in the final side of the triangle. Notice how I have also mentioned chickens 3 times in this theory; 3 sides like 3 sides of a triangle. That makes 3 triangles. When you put 3 triangles together, what do you get? The Tri-force. What is one of the most famous things in the Legend of Zelda? The Tri-force. What do people get mixed up in the Legend of Zelda series? Link and Zelda's names. Link has a triangle hat. Zelda is the princess of Hyrule. What animal is found in Hyrule? Chickens. What happens when you attack chickens too much in Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past and games after that? A bunch of chickens start flying at you and try to kill you. Wake up, America. Our government is run by lizards and chickens are the Illumunati.

Why can't Vin Diesel differentiate Thanksgiving Turkey from his best friend? Because they're both roasted

I've had Thanksgiving dinner four times and I'm kind of getting addicted. I'm quitting this cold turkey.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today. I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Turkey Joke A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving. She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks "How may I help you today?" The woman replies, "I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get bigger". Without missing a beat the butcher replies, "No, Miss. These turkeys are dead."

"Good evening bitches and bastards" NSFW Little John Tidswallow often heard his parents arguing with each other in the lead up to Thanksgiving. 'Bitch!' his father would say, 'Bastard' was the reply from his mother. "What does bitch and bastard mean?" John asked his parents. Bitch just means a woman, John. And bastard is another word for man. The next day, John hears the words 'dick' and 'pussy' come from his parents. "What does dick and pussy mean?" "Dick is a coat, and pussy is a hat, son". The next day he overhears the words 'fuck' and 'shit'. "What does fuck and shit mean?" he asked. 'Fuck' means to carve, and shit is another word for make-up. Thanksgiving arrived and little John Tidswallow was charged with welcoming the guests when they arrived to the door. "Hello bitches and bastards, you can give me your dicks and your pussies if you want and I'll find a place to put them. Mums just upstairs putting shit on her face and dad is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Thanksgiving dinner. So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?" And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter.

I'm not eating leftover thanksgiving food this year. I'm quitting cold turkey.

Why does Thanksgiving feel like a date with Bill Cosby? You wake up 3 hours later drowsy and wondering why you feel like you just got stuffed with dark meat

One day, Johnny overheard his parents fighting.... ... Later, he asked “What does ‘bitch’ and ‘bastard’ mean?” They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.” The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked, “What does ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ mean?” His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.” At supper the next day, Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled,”fuck!” Johnny asked what that meant, and she said, “It means ‘cut.’” A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas — we can’t wait to fuck the turkey!”

What's Miley Cyrus eating for Thanksgiving.. Twerky!

What did the mathematician say after Thanksgiving dinner? "(√−1)/8"

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A little kid learns some new words. There is a 4 year old kid, now obviously, he doesn't know any bad words, it is the day before Thanksgiving. His family is coming over to visit tomorrow so his parents have sex that night. Things got pretty intense and the child hears the word "bitch." The next day, the child asks his mom what bitch meant. Shocked, she said it meant "a beautiful person." Later, his dad is shaving and getting ready for the family, but he cuts himself with the razor, he says "shit!" The son hears him again, he asks, "what does shit mean?" The dad says it means "shaving." After, the mom is cutting the turkey, she slices her hand a little and exclaims, "Fuck!" The child asks, what fuck means. She says it means "to carve." Suddenly, the doorbell rings and the mom asks the son to get it, it is his grandparents, the son says. "Hi, bitches! Hang your things over here on this hanger. My dad is in the bathroom because he cut himself while shitting and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

So I guess it's going to be ham for Thanksgiving lulz. cause no more Turkey

What ethnic group do cannibals eat on thanksgiving? Turkish

Thanksgiving Dinner On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Shit." The son asks, "What does shit mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "Fuck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome bitches and bastards! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing shit on his face and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

Cemetery help. My wife & I recently bought a house. To get pretty much anywhere, the main road from our neighborhood goes through a giant cemetery. Now, a week before we bought the house, - on Thanksgiving morning - my wife gave birth to our first child - a boy (side note, I wouldn't recommend having a baby & buying a house in the same week if you value your sanity). Every time we're in the car together and drive through the cemetery, I now feel the awesome responsibility of fatherhood and can't help saying a dad joke. My wife lovehates this and I want to keep it going for as long as possible (I have the dream of embarrassing my son in front of his friends when giving them rides in years to come). As a long time browser, I wanted to ask for your help as I know there's tons I haven't thought of yet... So far I've unleashed the following: - This is a very popular cemetery. I heard people are dying to get in. - There's a job advertised here. Graveyard shift. - I have a friend who works here. Says it's a bit of a dead end job. - Says he's buried in paperwork. - I spoke to the manager but he didn't seem too well. He was coffin pretty hard. What you got?? Thank you from an exhausted but over-the-moon new dad/homeowner.

I have a short joke for the ladies, on Thanksgiving My penis

What are ISIS militants using to stuff their Thanksgiving goat? Their dicks!

Little Girl Who Doesn t know what cursing or sex is This is the story about a little girl that didn't know what cursing or what sex was. Two nights before thanksgiving, she heard her parents having sex. Her father said: "Oh honey, I love your luscious tits." Then her mother said: "And I love your slim dick!" The next morning, the girl asked her father what "luscious tits" were. The father panicked. "It's a fine coat." He said. The little girl then asked her mother what a "slim dick" is. The mother panicked and said: "It's a pair of boots." The next morning was thanksgiving, she walked past her father shaving in the bathroom. He cut him self and exclaimed: "Oh, shit!" The little girl asked what shit meant. "I'm shaving right now, sweety" said her father. Then the girl went into the kitchen where her mother was cooking the turkey. She accidentally dropped it on the floor and said: "Oh, fck!" "What does fck mean?" Asked the little girl. "I'm cooking the turkey right now, sweety." replied her mother. Then the door bell rang. Her mother told her to go open the door and welcome the thanksgiving guests. The little girl walked up, opened the door and said: "Hello everyone! Hang up your luscious tits, drop your slim dicks, my dad's upstairs shitting and my mum's f*cking the turkey."

Trump writing a thanksgiving tweet I love the people of Turkey!`` Related: https://twitter.com/realdonaldtrump/status/728297587418247168

What did the fat math teacher say after a large Thanksgiving dinner? (√-1)/8! Edit: I clearly don't know how to math.

What did Voltaire eat for Thanksgiving? Candide yams

Since Thanksgiving is tomorrow How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

We went shopping for a turkey to cook for Thanksgiving. We're expecting 20 people at our house and my husband wanted to find the perfect turkey for the smoker. After picking through the stock at the grocery store he can't find one he wants. He says, "Don't these get any bigger?" I replied. "No, honey. They're already dead."

Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving? It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.

My mom said my sister was doing the turkey. I thought, “That’s not a very nice thing to call her son-in-law.” Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia... Turkey shoot you!

Why cant programmers tell the difference between christmas and thanksgiving? Because oct 31 = dec 25

A dad, a mom, and their child are eating dinner... The parents are talking then the dad calls the mom a bitch, and she calls him a bastard. Then the little boy asks, "What does that mean?". Then they told him that it means "Ladies and Gentleman". Later that night the parents were enjoying each other. And the boy hears them say the words, "penis" and "vagina". So he asks, "What does that mean?". His parents then tell him it means to have your attention. The next day is Thanksgiving Day. The little boy walks into the bathroom, where his dad was shaving, but then the dad accidentally cuts himself with the razor and says "shit". The kid asks "what does that mean?" The dad tells him it means to shave. So then he goes to the kitchen, where his mom was cutting the turkey, but she accidentally drops the knife and says "fuck". So THEN he asks, "what does that mean?". The mom tells him it means to cut the turkey. After that some guests arrive. The little boy welcomes them and gets their attention by saying, "Bitches and Bastards, May I please have your penises and vaginas while my dad is shitting his face and my mom is fucking the turkey.

I hope that Cyber Monday extends to the deep web... Because I'm going to need to a discount on a new liver after all of that Thanksgiving drinking!

What does Miley Cyrus eat on Thanksgiving? Twerkey!

Why does Russia not celebrate Thanksgiving? Because they hate Turkey

Wrong Synonyms It is Thanksgiving Day and a family is preparing dinner awaiting the arrival of the children's grandparents. Thomas, who is four is running around looking for is new pair of grey socks. He ventures up to the washroom where his mother is putting makeup on. Not realizing the boy is there she yells "shit" when she accidentally gets makeup in her eyes. Never hearing the word before, the boy asks her, "Mommie, what does shit mean?" The mother quickly replies, "Shit is just another word for makeup dear." Thomas then asks his mom if she knows where his socks are and she tells him to go downstairs and ask his father. The boy's father is stuffing the turkey when he cuts his finger by mistake. He says "fuck." The boy asks him if he's seen his socks and the father tells him to go look in his sister's room. Before the boy leaves he asks his father what fuck means and the father says "stuff". "Like stuffing a turkey." The boy goes to his sister's room and finally finds his socks in the bedroom and puts them on just as the doorbell rings. Thomas runs down the stairs and opens the door. He greets his grandparents by saying "Hello grandma and grandpa, mommie is upstairs putting shit on her face and daddy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

After Thanksgiving a woman continually finds her husband rummaging through the fridge... ... ravenously devouring leftovers from their Thanksgiving feast. It gets to the point where she begins to get worried and asks, "Honey can you stop eating like that? You aren't even heating your food!" To which the husband replies, "Everyone knows it is futile to try and quit cold turkey!"

I've been addicted to eating the Thanksgiving leftovers... ...so I decided to quit cold turkey.

Three pollocks are discussing the meaning of Easter The first pollock says, "Easter is that time of year when your family comes over for the night. You sit down to a big turkey dinner and you watch football. "No you moron," said the second pollock. "That is Thanksgiving. Easter is the time of year when a fat man in a red suit comes down your chimney and leaves you presents underneath a tree." "Don't be stupid," said the third pollock. "You should know that is Christmas. Easter is the time of year when Jesus died for our sins and was put behind a boulder. Then in three days, he pushed the boulder out of the way, stepped outside, saw his shadow and ran back inside shouting six more weeks of winter."

Little Timmy So Little Timmy wakes up on thanksgiving to his parents arguing. His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. Timmy asks what that means, and they say a bitch is a girl and a bastard is a boy. Later, Timmy goes into his dad's bathroom and hears "SHIT!". He looks inside and sees his dad shaving. His dad had cut himself. Timmy asks what SHIT means and his dad says shaving cream. About an hour before dinner, Timmy walks into the kitchen and sees his mom cutting the turkey. When she cuts herself, she yells Fuck! Timmy asks what THAT means and he says it means cut. When his cousins ring the doorbell, Timmy answers it and says.... Welcome Bitches and Bastards! My dad's up stairs scraping the shit off his face and my mom's fucking the turkey!! (To that his Aunt replies, "Buisness as usual than?")

Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled? The balls weren't buttered. Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke.

Thanksgiving Poisoning A woman was arrested on Thanksgiving for trying to poison Mick Jagger and Keith Richard's Thanksgiving Day Turkey. When asked for the charges the officer replied, "Trying to kill two stones with one bird."

This year I decided I am going back to the real roots of Thanksgiving and celebrating it in the traditional fashion. I will be handing out smallpox blankets to Native Americans.

Just after Thanksgiving this year.. I quit left overs, cold turkey.

What do thanksgiving dinner and the refugee crisis in Europe have in common? Turkey and grease

Turkey hunting for Thanksgiving Last year at Thanksgiving was the very first time I shot my own turkey, I used a 12 gauge shotgun... but, right after I shot it, all the people in the frozen food section were running around and screaming like crazy.