50+ Teen Jokes

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile... In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults. One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap. Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?” “This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep. “Very well, Ep” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?” “I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished. “Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles. The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?” Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!” “Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!” “Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.” Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order. Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep. Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business, and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping, and became more focused on business expansion and money of the business. As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the the HQ in Cairo to learn business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf. Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics. Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly. Josep was shocked, and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon, and sent the teenager to jail. Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend. Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.” Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder. The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright. Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.

A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex. All the slides were just pictures of me.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why? You have to be alive to have autism. Edit: Holy shit thank you for the Reddit Gold, I’m just a teenager that posted a dumb joke on the internet, didn’t expect it to blow up. Thank you so much.

Spotify Support told me to read their refund policy. So I did, and forced them to give me a refund. So, my Spotify Premium renewed today because I forgot to cancel. I immediately checked their refund policy online and confirmed I was eligible, so I canceled the plan (literally within minutes) and hopped on support chat to ask for the refund. Seemed simple, right? Wrong. The agent, "Christina", gave me the classic runaround. She said the 14-day refund period only applies to your initial sign-up, and since I'd been a member for months, I was out of luck. She even sent me a link to the policy to prove her point, telling me to read it. This is where the malicious compliance comes in. I did exactly what she said. I read the policy, and then I went deeper and found their full, legally-binding Terms of Use. And what did I find? In Section 3, under "Withdrawal right", it clearly states you have **"fourteen (14) days after your purchase to withdraw for any reason"**. A monthly renewal is a new purchase. My own research before the chat was correct. I went back to Christina and quoted the Terms of Use directly. She put me on hold to "check backstage" then came back with the same denial. Her team was doubling down on the incorrect script. So I played my final card. I sent this message: "Since this dispute is specifically about the **legal interpretation** of the 'Withdrawal right' in your Terms of Use, could you please provide the contact information for Spotify's **legal department** or the appropriate office for handling formal contractual disputes?" The change was INSTANT. Suddenly, she had to "see what she could do". Five minutes later? "I've managed to ask some support with our backstage team... and we can go ahead and process a refund for you." They folded like a cheap suit. Their business model counts on you giving up. Don't. You are entitled to your money back. **TL;DR:** Spotify support tried to deny my valid refund by misinterpreting their own policy. I read their legal Terms of Use as they suggested, cited it back to them, and when they still refused, I asked for their legal team's contact info. They immediately processed the refund. Don't let them push you around

Today I understand why dad jokes are a true stereotype Never understood why dads and corny jokes were a thing. I did notice it's a mostly true thing. But I understand today. Asked my four year old what an 8 is. He doesn't know so I enlightened him that it's a zero with a belt. Lost. His. Shit. He's just mastered numbers and letters and this was hysterical to him. I'm the funniest man alive. He's told the joke back to me about twenty times. Today. Teenagers, this is why dads tell those jokes. They're chasing the indescribable high of this moment with a little kid. I found them cringeworthy as a teenager, but I get it now.

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of The Quaranteens

I did it! I told a dad joke that my wife AND preteen daughter laughed at! Daughter: the dog has a piece of confetti stuck to his butt. Me: that's because he's a party pooper! Edit: I can't believe somebody gave me gold for this. Edit 2: Seriously guys. Quit giving me gold. The joke really wasn't that good. Edit 3: yes, I have a bunch of kids named Edit.

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A lady walks into a pet store... She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

Her best feature.... NSFW A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me." Edit: sweet front page thanks guys. I wish I heard it coming.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before. My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard. Edit: mutant added** Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother.'

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom.. A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank? Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit: Credit to r/Teenagers for this

All items on floor are trash? Have fun rooting through the dumpster! I'm a custodian for an office building. I clean bathrooms, take out trash, vacuum, etc. I clean in the morning before the office opens. When collecting trash, I'd occasionally find some loose papers under/behind desks, beside the trashcan, or otherwise on the floor. Since I'm not sure if these papers are trash that missed the can or important documents that fell on the floor by accident, I pick them up and put them on the corner of the nearest desk for the workers to either file them away or toss them. Better safe than sorry. However, the manager did not like this habit. She came in early one morning, expressing disgust that "trash is being placed on people's desks." (obviously I never put actual trash like food wrappers or crumpled papers on desks). I explained my reasoning for my habit and expressed that I didn't want to risk tossing something important. My manager told me that everything on the floor is trash and the workers aren't such immature slobs to drop important documents on the floor. I agreed and said I'd never do it again. Flash forward several weeks. My manager came in early again and expressed concerns because a filing cabinet had tipped over the day and despite picking up the papers, they were still missing a few important documents. She asked if I'd seen them. I reminded her that since "everything on the floor is trash", the documents were probably thrown away. She was irate, saying "but this was an exception since a filing cabinet fell over." I asked her how I was supposed to know that when I'm not there during the day and was otherwise not informed to look out for these documents. That's when the situation dawned in this woman's eyes that she was her fault. She stumbled through some excuses before demanding I go to the dumpster and find the papers. I told her that the office was opening in fifteen minutes and I still had work to do. She stormed off and said she'd start looking in the dumpster. While I cleaned, I knew I'd face her again before leaving (my car is parked by the dumpster), so I thought of what to say to her as the final nail in the coffin. Sure enough, when I finished my work and walked out, the manager and a few other wokers who'd arrived were rooting through the dumpster. When the manager spotted me, she demanded I come help. I delivered my prepared line: "ma'am, my job description is to take out trash. Your job description is to ensure the safety and confidentiality of your clients' files." I walked away to (in my head) a cartoon-esk villain scream of outraged failure from my manager. A few hours later and I got a text saying there will now be a special inbox shelf for me to place any papers found the floor for the workers to go through.

A man joins an order of Monks. A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men. After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river. The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so well-known in the village, the locals gave him their position on the line, until he reaches the top of the line. Looking ahead the doctor realizes that there is a donkey, he thinks: Wow, have sex with an animal? Poor people. And I cannot deny me now that they have so graciously ceded their positions. Within fifteen minutes of having sex with the donkey, while all the men in the row watched, as he kissed her and bit her ears, one of them walks up to him and secretly ask him: Doctor, how long till you finish? We need the donkey to cross the river, there is a village with women there.

A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. "Dad your cock tastes like shit", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: "That's right, your brother has the car".

My Jacket Isn’t corporate approved? Neither are any of the other ones here. ETA: wow I didn’t really expect this to blow up! Me and my partner thank you for all the updoots. I woke him up this morning telling him his story got 1,500~ (at the time) upvotes and he was confused, then laughed after I explained it. This is my boyfriend’s story, not mine full disclosure but he gave me permission to put it up, he’s just too lazy too and doesn’t have Reddit. He framed this story by proudly telling me his boss learned who not to be petty with today. While working in the back of the store, my partner was wearing his personal sweater; he was between a break room and a freezer and couldn’t be seen by any customers. His manager who’d just got there immediately got on his case. He tried to explain reasonably, he’d have it on for maybe fifteen minutes max and remove it before going back out onto the floor. The manager refused, and begins pestering him and telling him he needs to remove it immediately, under the reasoning it “Wasn’t corporate approved.” Cue* malicious compliance. The jackets they use for their coolers? Not corporate approved. The gloves they use in the same coolers? Not corporate approved. The communications system they use to talk amongst themselves in the store? Not corporate approved. An hour or so later my partner is going about his janitorial and stocking duties, having to work in the cooler to restock; every five to ten minutes, he’d come out of the freezer, shivering and trying to warm up. After about twenty minutes of this, the same manager wandered over to them critically. “What are you doing?” “Stocking the freezer, but it’s pretty cold in there.” “Well why don’t you go grab a jacket and some gloves?” “Oh, because if you actually read our employee book surrounding our uniform, these technically aren’t corporate approved either!” The manager grumbled and wandered off, only coming to find him in another hour and a half. “I’ve been trying to reach you over the commutations system for the last twenty minutes, why aren’t you responding?” “Oh! That’s because they’re actually not corporate approved unfortunately!” “You’re really going to be this petty?” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m just following corporate standards!” It went like this for his entire 7 hour shift. At the end of his shift, the manager wandered up to him with an exasperated look. “I get it. Okay. I need to know how to pick my battles.” “You absolutely do.” -if I didn’t know him personally I probably wouldn’t have believed he actually said that to them, but he almost certainly does. He cares very little what anyone thinks lol.

What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive) American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

Teenage sex My teenage daughter came home in a rage. ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’ I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said: “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.” Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery. When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe. He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not? He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.” Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said. Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly. “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked. Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.” “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.” “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied. After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?” “Sure,” Fred said. The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.” Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.” The tailor shook his head and said: “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

The Lawyer's Car A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

It is/was/will be my Cake Day, so here's a favorite: A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed ... They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his 'willie' points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She smiles and says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

What's the difference between Acne and a Priest? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a Teenager

What do fans of billie eilish have in common with my first time doing anal? I'm fourteen and this is deep

Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park… One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people. The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear. He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time." The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes. The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush. The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!" The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, *you* have to hold the pigeon while *I* get to shit on its head!!"

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is. His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.” Confused, his dad agrees, and on his fifteenth birthday, the son opens his present to find a single pig pong ball inside. “Dad! Thank you so much! I am the happiest kid on this planet!” The next day, the father goes into his son’s room but doesn’t find the ping pong ball anywhere. Next year rolls around, and the father asks his son what he wants for his birthday, probably a car, or a new video game. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father, only wanting to please his son, asks what that one thing is. His son says to him, “I want a ten pack of ping pong balls.” The father was a little weirded out, but he did as his son wished, and on his sixteenth birthday, the son opened his present to find a pack of ping pong balls. “Dad thank you so much! I love them!” The next day, he goes up to his son’s room, and doesn’t find one ping pong ball anywhere. Twelve months pass, and it’s time for the son to turn seventeen. The father, ready for whatever outrageous gift his son might want, asks him what he would like for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, thinking he’s about to spend a shitload of money on a new car, asks his son what that thing is. “I want a jug of ping pong balls.” The dad, who was just taken aback by the whole situation, bought his son a jug of ping pong balls to open on his seventeenth birthday. “Oh my god! Dad thank you so much!” On the next day, the dad goes into his son’s room, but doesn’t find a single ping pong ball anywhere. Four seasons pass, and his son is becoming an adult. The father, who is about to send his only son to college, prepares himself for the amount of money he is about to spend on his favorite kid to send him to his alma mater, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The father asks him what that one thing just might be. “Well dad, I want a warehouse full of ping pong balls.” The dad is like, holy shit? “What is up with my son and his ping pong balls?” But he does as his son wishes, and the next day, he drives his son to the an old abandoned warehouse. They open the door, and ping pong balls just roll out. Everywhere. “Dad. Thank you so much. I love you!” Around 24 hours later, the dad drives down to the warehouse, opens the door, but there’s not a single ping pong ball inside. 8,772 hours later, the son is turning nineteen. But a few days before his birthday, he is in an awful wreck. He’s hospitalized. Hooked up to thirty different machines. The father is devastated. He goes into his son’s hospital room, and asks him what he wants for his birthday. “Son, I’m going to make this your best birthday yet. I will buy you anything. Anything you want.” His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.” The dad, who is already up to protocol, is like, “alright. How many ping pong balls do you want this time?” “I want a boatload. As many as you can buy.” The father, just trying to make his son’s days in the hospital enjoyable, buys a boatload of ping pong balls. He buys out every warehouse of ping pong balls. Uses his life savings to buy every single ping pong ball in America. He walks into his son’s hospital room to tell him the news. “Dad I can’t believe you bought me all of these ping pong balls. How can I ever repay you?” The dad, who wants to know what the fuck is up with his son and these ping pong balls, asks, “well there is one way son.” “What is it Dad?” “What do you do with all of these fucking ping pong balls?” The son was happy to tell his dad what he did with the ping pong balls. “Well dad,” he started, but never finished. The son died. Edit: thank you for the upvotes and the gold. I am very humbled by you guys and the attention this has received. You guys are truly the best.

Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.

"What did you say to your friend that drove him to commit suicide," asked the cop to the teenager. The next day it was discovered that the cop had committed suicide.

A bear joke An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

A teenage boy was playing in his room on his computer when his grandfather came in and sat on the bed. “I know you love your computer,” said the grandfather, “but you really should get out of the house more and experience life. After all, you’re eighteen now. When I was eighteen, I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!” A week later, the grandfather came to visit again. He found the boy still in his room, but this time with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and no front teeth. “What happened to you?” he asked. The boy said: “I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and he beat the hell out of me!” “Oh dear!” said the grandfather. “Who did you go with?” “Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?” “The Third Panzer Division.”

Pavlov's birds An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom... A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

If It Ain’t in the Ticket, It Ain’t My Problem I used to work IT support at a mid-sized company that thought it was a Fortune 500. We were understaffed, underpaid, and expected to be psychic. People would call or corner us in the hallway saying things like “Hey, my printer’s acting weird, can you swing by?” while we were juggling five tickets and trying not to lose our minds. Our manager, a guy named Curtis who had never touched a server in his life, brought in some consultant who told him we needed “more structure.” So Curtis implemented a new policy: No work gets done unless there’s a formal ticket. No exceptions. At first we were like, okay, whatever, more paperwork, but at least it protects us. Then Curtis took it further. He said if we did any task not in a ticket, even if it was five seconds to plug something in, we’d get a write-up. He called it “discipline for procedural drift.” Fine. Message received. The very next week, the VP of Sales—big name, big ego—storms into the IT office yelling that his laptop won’t connect to Wi-Fi and he has a Zoom call in ten minutes. I look up and ask, “Did you put in a ticket?” He goes, “No, I don’t have time for that, just come fix it.” I smile. “Sorry, we’re not allowed to do anything without a ticket. New policy.” He scoffs and storms out. Two minutes later, we get a ticket: Urgent: VP cannot connect to Wi-Fi. Fix ASAP. But here’s the fun part. The system had a rule. Tickets came in first come, first served, unless they were escalated by Curtis. Which this one wasn’t. So I tagged the ticket and slotted it behind six password resets, two printer jobs, and one guy asking how to insert a picture in PowerPoint. Meanwhile the VP is pacing like he’s waiting for a kidney transplant. Fifteen minutes go by. He calls Curtis. Curtis calls me. “You need to go help him right now.” I say, “Absolutely. Can you go into the system and escalate the ticket?” Long pause. “You know I can’t do that without a director-level override.” “Exactly,” I say. Forty-five minutes later, the VP has to call into his Zoom meeting from his phone. He sounds like he’s standing inside a fish tank. After the meeting, he comes stomping back in, furious. I point to the open ticket queue. “We’re happy to help,” I say. “Just waiting for it to rise to the top.” The next day, Curtis quietly changed the policy: “Tickets are still required, but urgent issues may be addressed immediately at IT’s discretion.” We kept the printout of that original policy on the office fridge for months.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room... Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!" Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

A bear and a rabbit are conscripted into the army, and waiting for their medical checkup. The rabbit says to the bear, “listen, I really don't want to go to war. Can you just kick me in the leg, so that when I go in to see the doctor I've got a limp?” The bear says “sure. But can you do the same for me when you come out? I don't want to fight either.” The rabbit agrees and the bear kicks him in the leg. It's a good kick— the rabbit only just manages to keep himself from falling over or crying out— and when he goes into the doctor's office he is, indeed, noticeably limping. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you. Not with that leg” and sends him home. When the rabbit comes out, he returns the favour and kicks the bear in the leg. Unfortunately, however, the bear is a bear and the rabbit is a rabbit— the kick doesn't even hurt. The rabbit tries kicking him again, harder. Tries punching him, biting him, even hitting him with one of the waiting room chairs. By the time the bear gets called in for his check up, the rabbit has spent a good ten or fifteen minutes beating him up all over, and the most he's managed to do is give him a light nosebleed. Sadly, the bear thanks him for doing what he could, and heads in to see the doctor. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you.” The bear, thrilled but surprised says “what? Because I've got a bloody nose?” And the doc says “no. Because that nurse over there says she just saw you get your ass handed to you by a limping rabbit.”

A cowboy rides in to town A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy. "**ONE**" No one moves a muscle. "**TWO**""" Everyone's extremely nervous at this point. "**READY OR NOT.... THR--**" All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples... "Thirteen glasses of water, please!", Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others...

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

"I'll take your firstborn" always seemed like a fair trade, and I was beyond relieved to see my daughter become a teenager. Two days later I would find the broken remains of birds and small mammals in a box under her bed.

Make me do labor for free? Explain to the Inspector why your office door is bright pink. So I am a highschool student, and I am the president of the art club in my school. I can say I do decent things. the principal and my art teacher asked me to paint some white and peeling walls however I want, and I'd get free lunches.( I need to add that my school doesn't have a cafeteria and just a canteen. ) and since I had nothing better to do and I'd get out of chemistry and maths, i said yes. I painted some of the walls and a door for the chemistry lab. whenever I finished painting, they'd ask me to do something else. Like paint the old benches or draw custom designs on doors. once I was done, I went to the principal and he said he couldn't give me free lunches. so, when they asked me to paint the principal's office door since it was old? I painted it bright pink. and since they asked me to do it and didn't tell me what to do exactly, they couldn't say anything. But there was something I forgot. I was doing all of this because the inspector would be arriving. (so, this part of the story comes from my homeroom teacher who is a part of the disciplinary committee.) when he finally arrived with his 3 secretaries, everything went well and he praised the paintings and intricate work. But when he got to the principal's office.. it's door was Bright pink. he left in a hurry and our school got some maintenance people sent. (sorry for my Grammar, English isn't my first language) And quick edit: my school is supposed to be the most funded and the most disciplined school in the whole district. So, we can say I caused them a lot of headaches. Don't play with my lunch of chicken nuggets shoved into a piece of bread. Edit: Thank you everyone for the love on this post! And I'd really appreciate you guys scrolling down to see my replies before asking questions, because I am EXHAUSTED from answering the same questions again and again ^~^ UPDATE!!!!!: so..this is awkward..my art teacher saw this post and recognized. Well..I got an envelope with 300 bucks inside. Plus, 200 bucks because I'm an orphan and it was Eid. So, here's some more add-ons! Q: what country? A: I would like it to remain anonymous, but I am not in USA or UK, I am in a country in Asia. Q: why is pink so bad? A: well, in my country the elder men have VERY embraced toxic masculinity, and as you know..pink is a "girly" color. Thank you all for the attention, I hope you all the best!!!

What's with girls having weird names nowadays? I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.

"You're not tall enough to ride," the disinterested teen guarding the rollercoaster drawled. Ten minutes later, I slid off my little brother's shoulders as we got into our seats, surprised at how much give our over-the-shoulder restraints afforded as the ride juddered to a start.

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

Serve pizza while hopping on one leg? Got it! Back in the early 2000s I was a waiter at a famous red roofed pizza shack, it was back before they went downhill and closed the dining rooms. One night the teenage dishwasher got caught selling weed to other employees and was fired on the spot by the newly minted manager who wasn’t much older. No one was tasked with doing dishes after that and the bus tubs of dishes were piling up and people started setting them on the floor. I went back to set some dishes on the pile, turned to go back to the dining room, and twisted my knee when my leg got lodged in between two bus tubs on the floor. I heard a crunch and fell. I sat on the floor in pain and then tried to get up and put weight on it with little success. The young manager saw me and told me that I had to continue serving pizza because I was the only waiter and I would be fired if I didn’t. So I hopped. From the kitchen window to the tables. Serving every pizza. Customers asked what happened and I told them that and why I was still serving while hopping. They were angry and one confronted the manager. Finally I got sick of the hopping and called my girlfriend to come get me. On the way out the door, the manager said “you better get a doctors note” and I left. So I went to the ER. And I ended up having a torn meniscus and ACL damage. I lawyered up since I knew it was a sure bet, and a year and a half later I won a $10,000 settlement from the company. The first thing I did when I cashed that check was have a huge pizza party with all my friends in that same restaurant. That manager was there, giving me stink eye the whole time.

Buying Condoms.... A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter." A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?" "Well, I don't know." "Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter." A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he says nervously. "Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code This all happened about 20 years ago when I was in 7th grade (12-13 years old for those not in the US school systems). I remember this day vividly, as it was one of my most rebellious actions against authority I had done in my school years. My seventh grade science teacher was a curmudgeonly lady that we will call Mrs. Evans. Now, Mrs. Evans had no joys in her job of teaching preteens the foundations of science, but did enjoy sending students to the principal for minor infractions. An easy way of getting sent to the principal was through dress code violations. Throughout the entirety of the school year with her, I’d seen Mrs. Evans send no less than 75% of the class to principal’s office for dress code violation, with most being the girls in class wearing shirts that were “too revealing” because their shoulders were showing, with the others usually being something easily fixed like wearing a hat. I showed up to class in my standard outfit that I had been wearing up to that point in the school year, a t-shirt and jeans. However, being the outdoorsy kid I was, I had a slight tear on the knee of one of the pants legs. Mrs. Evans honed in on this slight tear, and instructed me that I would need to be wearing jeans without a tear in them for her to be able to teach her class without distraction, and to go to the principal if I was unable to do so. Being a smartass 13 year old, I decided to comply by going to my locker, getting my stapler out, and stapling the tear shut on my jeans. Upon return to class, this was not good enough for Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code. She repeated her previous instruction, and said that if I returned without the torn jeans being replaced I was to go to the principal. Cue compliance #2: I went straight back to my locker, got a pair of scissors out, and cut off the entire leg of the jeans with the offending tear (much to my mother’s later dismay). Upon my re-return to class, Mrs. Evans was quite unhappy. The rest of the class was now properly distracted from her doing, much to her chagrin. But, Mrs. Evans was the Keeper of the Code for a reason one supposed. She cited a line in the school handbook stating “no frays on any clothing allowed”. This time, I was sent to the principal. I had never gotten in too much trouble in school, was in a lot of advanced placement courses, and played football and track for school, so my record was pretty clean. The principal was confused as to why I was sent, until I told him I’d just come from Mrs. Evans class, which told him enough after he saw one pant leg normal, with the other pant leg completely cut below the knee. He told me to please just wear my gym shorts and have this be the end of it. Cue compliance #3: I returned to class wearing my gym shorts for the day… wearing them over the offending jeans. Mrs. Evans, keeper of the code, decided this warranted a call to the principal from the class phone to report me and get me into further turmoil. However, I think the principal was just done with getting his time wasted that day. After Mrs. Evans got him on the phone and spoke her piece, there was a long silence while he assumably responded to her. She then hung up the phone, her face slightly flushed, and proceeded with the lesson. I never once got called out on any dress code violations by the Keeper of the Code for the remainder of my middle school years.

I already know this joke is old, because I've been telling it since I was eleven. Two burglars were robbing an apartment. One said, "Somebody is coming in the door! Quick, jump out the window!" And the other guy said, "Are you out of your mind? We're on the thirteenth floor!" And the first guy said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? "Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

Talk to the Hand I've commented about this, I think it fits here. In the late 80's I was asked to work at my pharmacy job full time during summer break from college. I was the only young full time worker and the only male among a clique of mom to grandma aged women mostly working mothers hours. My half hour lunch was supposed to start at noon but for some reason my relief just wouldn't show up no matter how often I paged them. Fifteen minutes, a half hour, an hour or more. It didn't bother me so I didn't complain about it. That first Friday I finally get to break a little after 1PM and the store manager comes in and starts telling me she has had MULTIPLE complaints that I have been screwing up everyone's break schedule and how disappointed she is in me. I try to tell her that my relief is not showing up and she actually does the hand thing where she just puts her hand in my face and says: SM: Starting next week I want you back on main register at 12:30 SHARP. NO EXCUSES! So next Monday I start paging my relief at quarter of. At five of I call for second or backup register who is surprised since there is only one customer. I tell her to open second register. I close main, lock my drawer in the office and punch out right at noon sharp. About ten minutes later the store manager comes running into the break room in a panic asking why main register is closed, there's a line and more importantly WHY IS MAIN REGISTER CLOSED? Me: On Friday you told me I had to be off main register at noon sharp, NO EXCUSES! SM: THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID! Me: Did you say starting next week I have to be back on main register at 12:30 SHARP. NO EXCUSES! SM: Yes! That's what I said! Me: And is my break a half hour long? SM:... SM: Can you please punch back in and take care of the line? I'll find your relief. My relief showed up at five to noon for the rest of the summer.

Be nice to drive-through workers 1985 I was a teenager working the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant at the beach in So Cal. A van with 6 obnoxious surfer dudes drove up and were being deliberately obnoxious with their order, rude, screaming, making everything difficult. They eventually ordered 6 burgers screaming 'extra sauce!' after every one.. I took the order and ran back into the kitchen and told the grill cook that I'm going to make their order. If you've ever worked in fast food prep you know you line up the buns, you pour a quarter size drop of sauce on the bun, then the pickles/lettuce/tomato/burger/bottom bun and then you wrap it up. So I put the buns down, covered them in sauce until you couldn't see them. Pickles, *covered* in sauce, tomatoes, *covered* the in sauce, lettuce, *covered* it in sauce, and did this with each layer, and *covered* the top of the bun in sauce.Then I *covered* the burger wrapper in sauce, and wrapped it around the burger, carefully. I had to triple-bag the burgers because they were dripping and absolutely soggy with Jumbo Jack Sauce. The bag felt like it weighed 10 extra pounds with all that sauce, I ran back up to the window, took their money, was as pleasant as could be, and handed them their bag. Here is the sweet part: I did not give them any napkins

A teenage boy was delivering papers A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming... that was me"

A Texan buys a round of drinks... .. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds," The bartender is concerned: "What the hell happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." Mush luv fellow lurker/redditors- Feellz liek dis- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pURJDToKA0k my other r/Jokes are a little bit piddle worthy too I think... for the sake of fuck, you guys have given me a god complex now, that only a vagina could crush. Thanks a lot.

“How about one you haven’t manhandled?!” hey all it’s no caps OP (still haven’t figured it out ) I had a deli customer come in today along with many many regulars as it is the witching hour and everyone’s on lunch. im wearing gloves. I prepared most of the food the customers see before them. but sometimes in my haste in packaging their requests my gloved hands make physical contact with their food. so in comes my least favorite guy. the guy who asks me what the Swedish meatballs are and I say “Swedish meatballs “ , and then he proceeds to say “…because there’s so much sauce on them it’s impossible to tell “. like it’s totally unnecessary. he literally puts too much sauce on everything. not that I can judge him. but anyway saucy comes in and asks for four tenders. I have like 12 left and I’m doing the math. I know that the guy behind him gets 8 tenders minimum every day. as I’m bagging them with the tongs one my fingers holding them bag touches like one tender. He loses it. ”hey! how about you give me some tenders you didn’t put your hands all over ! “ enter MC before he can interject any further Ingo to the next customer hey what can you get while waiting for new tenders ! oh give me the rest of those “! you got it chief. then other guy loses it as I toss his manhandled tenders aside and tell my manager “sophi” to start a new batch. I told saucy that “don’t worry I won’t touch these ones “ “that’s not what I meant!” ahhh the MC battlecry of defeat. he waited thirteen minutes for new tenders TLdr: made a guy new tenders.

If a single radio's battery dies, shut it all down This happened over 5 years ago, and it still ticks me off whenever I think about it. Also sorry about how long this is lol: I was 17 working at a big theme park, and had been working there for the better part of the year. I had quickly picked things up, and was usually regarded as the responsible one on the team when it was just a bunch of us teens working a ride. We had a college student intern lead who was... not good at leading, or training new hires... We'll call him M. At my main ride, it required 3 people minimum to operate; One person in the control booth, one at the entrance gate, and one at the exit. However, we could have 4 or 5 if we were incredibly busy to help deal with the line. The people in the booth and at the entrance could not see the person at the exit directly, so we used radios. The control booth also had a camera on the exit gate. From day 1 on the job, we were taught hand signals in case the radio dies or for quick communication, these signals were universal across the entire park. That summer, 3 freshly certified kids (we had to take tests to prove we paid attention to training) started the ride with someone locked inside the fence, aka: not in a seat. Twice it was another employee, once it was a guest (which was a HUGE deal). The thing with those incidents was that those in the control booth didn't notice their mistake until the others SCREAMED at them to hit the E-stop. Those new hires were either retrained or moved to a simpler ride. Well, one incredibly busy day, there were 5 of us running things. Me, M, and 3 others. M had been called over to another ride, which normally wasn't an issue. About an hour later, someone was scheduled to go home, and M hadn't come back yet. I called the other ride and asked them to send him back. We could've run things with 3 of us, but it was super busy and we really needed a 4th. A few minutes later, someone (not our lead) was sent over to take over. Weird, but no big deal. Another hour or so went by, someone else needed to go home, I called again asking for M. Also, all the radios' batteries were dead/dying. Things had slowed down, so I, being the spare 4th person, took the radios to the office to get fresh batteries. This took less than 10 minutes, and in that time, the guys had switched to hand signals as we were trained. When I came back, our lead had once again sent over someone else to take his spot. At this point I realized that M was probably just shooting the shit in the nice air-conditioned booth at the other ride. Now the guy that got sent over to us was normally at a rollercoaster and hadn't been at this ride in over a month, so I gave him a quick review and he took controls. I turned around for maybe 30 seconds when I hear yelling. I turn around, and the ride was stopped maybe 3 ft off the ground with our entrance guy locked in the fence. The guy at controls saw what he did and hit the E-stop, something that the other screwups that summer did not think to do. We had to call upper management, and wouldn't ya know? M came running over! This time the highest of the higher ups came over as well. They pulled each of us aside and interrogated us (which was odd) then walked away and talked for like half an hour. They then FIRED the guy at controls on the spot, and came up with BS reasons to get the rest of us removed from running rides. They absolutely were only doing that to make an example of us. I tried to rip into M for shirking his duties, but as an anxiety ridden kid it didn't hit very hard. I was mainly pissed off that they fired the poor guy who never should have been there in the first place. Remember I took the already dead radios earlier? They tried to say I had 'removed communication devices from the ride area' which prevented them from letting controls know they were outside the gate. They were basically trying to pin the whole thing on me. Total bull, bc this happened after I brought them back. I assume M threw me under the bus for being 'in charge' while he wasn't there. Also, we had hand signals!!! I tried explaining that to them, but they didn't give a shit. I refused to sign the paperwork which would be admitting fault, so this fight was stretched over multiple days. Plus I was leaving for college in like 2 weeks and didn't want to spend my last days of summer cleaning bathrooms. They gave us a new rule: if a single radio was dying, we had to call a manager to fetch us a new battery even if we had people to spare to go grab one instead. If a radio died, we had to close the ride. Managers roamed around the whole area and were responsible for sooooo much, so if you called them and it wasn't urgent, it could take a long time for them to show up. The next day, my radio was dying, I called the manager, half hour goes by, I call again. My radio died. I shut down the ride. The people in the over-an-hour line got PISSED. I explained to people that we had to close because

If twelve is a dozen, and thirteen is a baker’s dozen, what do you call eleven? A DoorDash dozen.

A reporter asks a billionaire how he earned he wealth Here's the billionaire's response: A long time ago, I had absolutely nothing but a penny. So I took that penny and bought a pencil from the corner store. Sold it to my classmate for two cents. Then I bought two pencils, sold them for four cents. Two became four, four became eight, then sixteen, then thirty-two... until I had $20.48. That's when my father had a massive heart attack, and I inherited $47 billion. Credit: Reddit user "HermanTruth," in the comments of a another joke (Sorry, automod doesn't allow me to link to the comment or the user 😭)

I'm not like most teenagers I'm 45

A psychic told me that in ten to fifteen years I would experience unimaginable grief. That news upset me so much I had to go buy a puppy to cheer myself up.

driving with my dad when I was freshly 16 I drove with my dad to the driver’s test. I had practiced a lot with my mom, but she grew up in the city and was a much more aggressive driver than my dad. this was my first time driving with just him in the car, and he wanted to help me practice on the day of my actual test. well, he gives me the usual “every car on the road wants to kill you” and defensive driving stuff to the extreme. very nitpicky about everything. at a stop sign, he berated me for stopping too abruptly. “you should never accelerate whenever a stop sign is in sight - take your foot off the gas as soon as you see a stop sign, no exceptions”. I kind of argued with him that sometimes that wouldn’t work - we live in a very flat state and you can see stop signs from very far away sometimes. he got angry at me and told me he was just trying to help and I should accept his advice etc. I said fine. I also knew the next stop sign up on our drive was at the end of a six mile flat road, that isn’t very busy. I planned my malicious compliance. as soon as I saw that stop sign (maybe half a mile out? idk im bad with distances) I took my foot off of the gas. about 15 seconds in we were going half the speed limit. 30 seconds in we come to a crawl. I look away from the road and make eye contact with him for the last ten feet or so - he was confused at first but cracked a smile when he realized what I was doing. the car came to a full stop a good fifteen to twenty feet from the stop sign. “what should I do now?” I asked. he just laughed, called me a smart ass, and was much more relaxed the rest of the day. I aced my test.

A Teenage daughter is being intimate with her boyfriend... And her dad walks in. "Dad I'm sorry" says the girl. "Hi sorry I'm Dad" says the dad. The dad then turns to her boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

In Order To Couple Trains, The Book Says To Make Them Kiss This story of malicious compliance was shared with me by my grandfather many years ago, so some details may be lost, and I am not sure about all of the job titles. However, I will do my best to convey the main idea as I recall it. My grandpa used to work for the railroad as a Signalman. His role was to ride on the back of the train and use a lantern to communicate through signals to the train driver at the front. At that time, trains were much shorter than they are today. In modern times, safety regulations are written in blood and have good reasons behind them. My grandpa said that back in those days, safety protocols were still being developed, and those working on the trains had a better understanding of what was truly safe and effective, as opposed to what the rulebook suggested. A bit more information: the mechanism that connects trains is called a 'coupling,' and the two parts come together, lock, and they're solidly connected. Now, to compare the situation to LEGOs, you don't just delicately set one LEGO on top of another and expect them to connect. You have to put these bits of plastic together firmly enough to get that **Snap!** noise. Train couplings are similar, only we're talking about metal carriages that are weighed in tons, not tiny plastic bits measured in grams. So instead of a **Snap!**, you need a good, proper **Bang!** Onward to the actual story! The train depot had recently hired a new manager (I'm not sure if they have an official title, so I'll just refer to him as a manager), who decided to be very By The Book. He very quickly became hated by everyone, because the rulebook of the time was written by someone more concerned with creating arbitrary rules rather than ensuring that things would actually work. Grandpa grabbed his lanterns and jumped into the caboose at the end of a line of trains. The engine backed up along the track to prepare for coupling, and the manager came running out, yelling and waving his arms. The engine driver and the manager argued back and forth, and even Grandpa could see the engine driver's exasperated sigh from the back of a train. Malicious compliance was initiated! The engine slowly backed along the track until the couplings came together in a gentle kiss (or as gentle as two multi-ton titans can kiss). The chain of trains didn't even shudder. The engine driver then moved forward, leaving the line of trains behind. The couplings touched, but there was no **Bang!** to signal their connection. Grandpa signaled that it didn't work. The train stopped, then slowly and gently reversed again. Another kiss, but no coupling. Pulled forward, backed up, tried again. Kiss. No coupling. This repeated for fifteen minutes before the engine driver and the manager got into another argument. Grandpa said he could guess the argument: Engine Driver: "This isn't working, and we're wasting time! We need to get back on schedule!" Manager: "Nope! Keep following the book exactly! No deviation. The book says this will work, so follow the book until it does!" Fifteen more minutes passed of Kiss. No coupling. Pull forward, back up, try again. They had been at it for 30 minutes by now, and the train was officially behind schedule. However, the manager was still insisting that they MUST keep doing it by the book. Finally, someone higher up (the Depot/Station Master?) came along, trying to find out why the engine was acting like the slowest pendulum in existence and why they had wasted half an hour. After getting the story from both the Engine Driver and Manager, Depot Master finally told the manager to shut his howling screamer and let the people who actually work on trains get the job done. This stupid process had gone on long enough, and it was painfully obvious that the book was wrong. The manager crossed his arms and was steaming. The engine pulled forward a bit more than by the book. The whistle blew its warning call, and then came in reverse at a good clip. Obviously not at full ramming speed, but fast enough to get the job done. **Bang!** The line of trains shuddered gently, then the engine pulled forward. The trains were FINALLY coupled. Grandpa signaled "All good," and the train got underway. Grandpa didn't get to hear the reaming, but the manager looked like a little boy getting the scolding of his life as the caboose passed him on its way out of the depot.

The world's toughest cowboy. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

A man is sitting next to a woman... A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?” “I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.” The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?” The woman smiled, “Pepper.”

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

Jesus had long hair A teenager was entering his senior year of high school. His father, a Baptist preacher, made a deal with him. "Son, if you get straight A's for the entire year, AND if you cut off that long hippy hair, I will buy you the car of your choice when you graduate." The son accepted the challenge and worked very hard all year. He got the best grades of his life and graduated top of his class. "Well, Dad. I held up my end of the bargain. Top of my class. I'll take a Ford Mustang, red." The dad smiled and said "Well done, son. Your grades are impressive. Now all you need to do is cut your hair and the car is yours." "But dad," the son protested "what's wrong with my hair being long? You're a preacher... JESUS had long hair." "Yep," said the dad "and he walked every god damn place he went too."

At the end of his service, the minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.” “To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Seeing as Mark has only sixteen chapters, I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

What do you get when you mix a teenager and a gun? Probably a dead teenager as guns aren’t organs

A woman went to a pet shop.. ..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then said.. "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Neighbor The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

True story my friend's teenager son actually asked me if I just thought of it on the spot My friend's son who's 15 is staying with us. My son in grade 4 asked me what translucent meant. I said, "I'm trying to remember but it's not completely clear." And the 15yo was genuinely impressed. Keep forging on, friend's. There's a world of people just waiting for your lame one-liners

Take out the trash no matter what. Wait, not that! Many years ago when I lived with my parents, my mom decided to task my sister and me with additional chores around the house. Understandable. We were entering the pre-teen and teenage years so helping around the house is expected. I got tasked with trash duty. Essentially empty out all the small trashbins into a larger one, and then take out that trashbag. All was well until one Saturday when my mom complained about why I hadn’t emptied the trashbins. I said I had, and she pointed to the one in her bathroom where a single bath tissue was in the bag. She demanded that the bags had to be empty and that next time it happened she would have me empty all the trashbags again. I asked “even if I’ve already done it and the bags are empty?” She said “yes, even if the bags are empty”. Duly noted. A few weeks later, after I had emptied the bags, looks like my sister decided to use the bathroom and left some Qtips in the trashbin bag. Again, my mom burst out asking why I hadn’t emptied the bins and pointed to hers. So I got up and grabbed every single bin and took the bag. She asked “why are you throwing away empty bags?” I replied: “because apparently I haven’t done my job well enough and per your instructions, I have to do it all over again even if the bags are empty”. Needless to say, she loosened up afterward and bins were emptied as needed rather than at a set time; most of all, a single sheet or a Qtip wasn’t grounds for needing to take out the trash again.

Who Am I? One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I." The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

The Three Paddies Meet a Wizard Paddy Englishman, Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishman are walking in the woods when they stumble across an old sex wizard down on his luck. "Wishes for a tenner!" shouts the wizard. "I'll give you anything you like, but I'm sick and tired of making knobs bigger, so don't ask!" Without wasting a second, Paddy Englishman hands the wizard a ten pound note. "I want my wife to be ten times more adventurous in bed." The sex wizard nods. "Uxor non inhibitoris! An easy one! It is done!" Paddy Scotsman counts out nine pound coins and two 50 pence pieces. "My wife and I are happy enough, but I'm terrified of becoming a grandfather before I'm 50. I'd be obliged if you could fix it so my teenage daughters can't get pregnant before they're 25." The sex wizard nods. "Filiae non fertilismus! Very wise! It is done!" The sex wizard turns to Paddy Irishman, who has his hands planted firmly in his pockets and looks ready to move on. "No wish for you?" "I'll save my tenner," says Paddy Irishman, with a grin. "These boys have me covered!"

You said to put your shit outside… You never said where. This happened about ten years ago, but it still makes me laugh every time I think about it. I was in my early twenties, dating this guy who was ridiculously controlling and full of himself. Classic narcissist. Everything revolved around him, and in his mind, he could do no wrong. You know the type. Anyway, after I caught him cheating, I finally hit my limit and told him I was done for good. The way I found out he was cheating was the best part. I’d had my suspicions for a while, so I went through his phone. Sure enough, there were months of messages between him and some girl he worked with. Flirty garbage, talking about how he couldn’t wait to leave me… all that nonsense. But one text in particular had me rolling my eyes. He had sent her this the day before: “She’s driving me crazy. She’s got me through the roof. I need you so bad, babe.” Got me through the roof? Pretty sure that’s not how the expression goes. Your blood pressure can be through the roof. Your anxiety, your rage… sure. But unless you’re Spider-Man or a haunted Victorian child, you are not through the damn roof. The next morning while he was at work, I texted him and said I was done. He kept pressing me to explain, but I never admitted I’d read his messages. I let him stew in his own arrogance until he finally realized I wasn’t bluffing. By that point, he had pretty much moved into my house. So naturally, he wanted all his stuff back. He texted me something like, “You better have all my shit outside when I get there. And I mean every fucking bit of it. I’m not making two trips.” Oh, don’t worry, sweetheart. I gathered every last thing he had at my place, which included at least a third of his wardrobe, a pile of overpriced hats, two pairs of pristine Jordans, and an iPad. I stuffed everything (minus the iPad) into a trash bag, tied it loosely, walked outside, and launched it straight onto the roof. Some of his clothes flew out mid-air and scattered across the yard. Most of it landed on the roof and just chilled up there like it paid rent. As for the iPad, I put it in a box and set it near the edge of the driveway. Not long after, a couple of teenagers walked by and peeked inside. I was sitting on the porch when one of them asked, “Is this yours?” “Nope.” “Can we have it?” “Sure. Why not.” He said to put his stuff outside. He never said I had to guard it. About two hours later, he pulled up, saw his clothes strewn across the lawn and a trash bag dangling off the roof, and lost it. He started pounding on the door, furious, yelling, “Why the fuck are my clothes on the roof?!” I swung the door open, looked him dead in the eye, and said, “Well, judging by the texts you sent your little girlfriend… apparently, I had you through the roof. I figured your clothes might as well join you. You told me to put your shit outside. You didn’t say where.” He stood there red-faced, fists clenched, seething. “And how the fuck am I supposed to get my shit off the roof?” I shrugged, smiled sweetly, and said, “Maybe your girlfriend can loan you a ladder,” then slammed the door in his face. The funniest part is that he ended up making two trips after all. Lol. He did come back later with a ladder. Whether or not she loaned it to him, I couldn’t say. I stayed inside with the door locked and haven’t heard much from him since. ETA: The one and only time I talk to him after the break up was the next day when he texted to ask if he could come get his iPad.😂 I told him the truth… That I sat it outside like he asked me to. If it’s not there, I guess someone stole it. Sorry. I don’t think he believed me because he threatened to GPS track it. I told him to go ahead. Don’t know if he was ever able to locate it or not because I blocked his number after that. Lol.

Guy walks into a bar The bartender goes, "Hey, you're a Muslim, aren't you?" The guy goes, "Yeah, how could you tell?" The bartender says, "Well, okay, so, I know this is 2020 and everything and we're all trying to be really politically correct and not assume things, but I'm still somewhere on the curve, and I'm learning, but, well, you've got brown skin, a beard, and I could overhear you speaking in either Urdu or Arabic outside, so, yeah, I assumed. I'm sorry. Was that racist?" The guy says, "Since Muslims aren't a race, that wasn't racist. But that was you stereotyping, which in most circumstances wouldn't have been cool, but I've had a really long day and I couldn't give a damn. Can you pour me a beer please?" The bartender says, "Forgive me, but isn't drinking prohibited in your religion?" The guy says, "Well, yes, but I thought we were in America." The bartender says, "You're right. You're right. You can drink here. But I'm just wondering, like, I don't know much about that culture and that lifestyle. Will you feel guilty after drinking this beer?" The guy says, "I've drank beer plenty of times. You see, I'm what you might call a moderate Muslim. I'm not perfect. I've had premarital relationships with a couple of girls. I've eaten the odd pork pie every now and then. And on weekends I drink. I'm a Muslim, but I'm also very much a citizen of the Western world, where these things are okay. Does that answer your question?" The bartender says, "So I do not have to feel guilty about pouring you this here beer?" The guy smiles. "About as guilty as you'd feel for pouring the same drink to a Jewish person, a Christian, or a Hindu." The bartender smiles back and hands him the glass. The guy takes a sip and smacks his lips. "Thank you for this. I've had a really long day. There's this MERN stack app that I've been developing, and it's been really taxing. I haven't slept in more than eighteen hours." The bartender says, "You're a web developer?" "Yes," the guy says. "And I drive Lyft on the side to supplement my income. I'm not really that great of a web developer." "So where are you from?" The bartender asks. "North Carolina," the guy says. "No, I meant, like, where are you really from? Like where did your family come from?" The guy frowns a bit and takes another sip from his glass and puts it down on the bar. "Now that I mind. Why would you think we came from anywhere?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that I was wondering where your family immigrated from," the bartender says. His face is a bit flushed. "That's all right. Okay, so I was born here. In North Carolina. Born and raised in Raleigh. My dad moved here from Pakistan. He's a systems engineer. My mom's from India. She'd come here for her Master's. Does that answer your question?" "Pretty much. So you're an American," the bartender says. "As much as you are," the guy says and raises his glass. "I'll drink to that," the bartender says and clinks his shot glass with the guy's. Later when the guy takes out his wallet from his pocket to pay, the bartender shakes his head and says, "It's on the house. And listen, my friend, I'm a democrat. I would have voted for Obama a third time. And I'm not Islamophobic or xenophobic at all. You're welcome here anytime." The guy smiles and shakes the bartender's hand and says, "Only if you let me pay for the drinks from now on. I'm not one to trigger your white guilt for free drinks." "This is dialogue. We need more dialogue like this to heal our country, to bring people together. You know?" the bartender says. "You're very right, sir," the guy says and tips his cap to the bartender. Guy walks out of the bar. ​ Edit: Oh my God, thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly awesome response. The comments made my day, this is the most upvoted any post of mine has ever gotten, and I got my first award! Thank you u/kirkaug for the award. Very cool. You're all awesome. This was the best day of my life.

Hot girl at prom A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

How many prepubescent teen boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? He said "screw" lolol

The Water Park is Off Limits. Okay. This story wasn't an intentional Malicious Compliance response; it just sort of happened that way. This happened about 25 years ago. Every year, my High School would organize a school trip to an amusement park just outside of town. In order to go on the trip, you had to fork over $10 and fill out a form (if you were under 16, your parent had to sign the form). Standard shit. But there was one teacher in charge who made it a point to remind us constantly that we weren't allowed to enter the Water Park, otherwise, we were allowed to do what we wanted so long as we didn't get in trouble or do anything that reflected poorly on the school. Fair enough. Now, like I said at the start of this story, this malicious compliance wasn't intentional, but suffice it to say we arrived at the bus about fifteen minutes before it was scheduled to return to town, soaked to the bone. If looks could kill, we would've been dusted right then and there. So he demands to know what happened, and we told him. You see, there's a ride at this park that is kind of a simple-looking roller coaster. It's not very high, and only has one drop but the caveat is the track is actually a slide with water, and the drop is over a body of water that causes a kind of wave that splashes both the rider and whoever is standing on the bridge across from the drop. We all stumbled across this ride while we were wandering the park, and debated whether or not we should go on it. We decided, unanimously even, that technically this ride wasn't in the Water Park, so riding it wasn't actually against the rules. We rode it *twice*. By the time we finished explaining, he was glaring daggers at each one of us and after a pause, he just pointed behind him and said "Get on the fucking bus." Everyone on the bus stared at us while we boarded, either thinking we were heroes or rebels. Whatever the case, I still laugh about this story whenever I tell it, and one of my friends suggested I should post this on Reddit under Malicious Compliance, so here we are. Update: Thanks u u/KarmaStories for featuring this story on your channel!

Rules are important I recently started working in a very large packaging facility. Beginning there I was excited for the opportunities I would have working for such a major company. Early on I noticed alot of placating/patronizing things that sent a message of "you should be greatful you work here". It was overly obnoxious implementation too . Keeping my rosy colored glassed on I am working as hard as I can despite everyday equipment not working correctly, conveyer belts not running etc. Now there are alot of rules "for our safety and the companies". One of the major rules is that if you are not officially trained for it do NOT do it, even if a manager tells you to. Recently they have become draconian with thier rules, at least for the lower rung workers, not so much for management if it convenienced them. So you are getting "coached"(why I'm tattling on you) frequently. Now there is a manager that should not have any leadership position whatsoever. He has zero interpersonal communication skills, anytime has has to talk to you he is demeaning, condescending and his voice/body language let you know how inconvenienced he is and can't believe he has to do it. Yesterday I had enough, cue malicious compliance.... I'm packing items into boxes and putting them on the conveyer belt. I run out of a few size of boxes. So per protocol I turn on the help Light above my station and wait because I need those boxes. Manager(m) comes by: M: what's up Me: I need these boxes M: well do you know where they are? Or you can go get them from another station. Me: I was told not to do that M: what do you mean? You can't go get boxes? Ok I'm asking to go get boxes Me: I am not supposed to leave my station and that is "this persons" job that I'm not trained for. M:fine. The look on his face was blank but turning slightly red and I thought I could see steaming rage come out of his ears. In a few minutes I get my boxes(delivered by M) and continue work. Shortly after I see him showing around the person responsible for stocking our boxes. Not much time passes and the conveyer belt stops running and it fills up so we can't place packages on them. Before today I would stack them around my station and keep working/find a manager and find a solution. Our work area is not supposed to be cluttered and I'm not supposed to leave my station. So I turn the light on and stop working. M: Hey what's going on Me: I have no place to set my packages M: what do you mean put them right here. *points at the floor next to my station* Me: I was told to not put anything on the floor it's a tripping hazard. M: I can't beleive.....*stammer* who told you that?! When I worked at x locatuon...*stammer*........ Me: I had three trainers on separate occasions and situations tell me this. M:*stares at me for a solid 3 seconds and looks around* that station over there, walk over and stack the packet there. I'll put them on the conveyor belt when I get back. The station is about fifty feet away and I'm on the end nearest it so i start jamming out walking packages over. I hear him telling the rest of the station to do the same. In the fifteen minutes it takes for the belt to run again there is at least 75 packages piled up in ther other station. All various sizes and weights. Manager walks by and stops dramatically, staring at the dragons hoard before him mouth open incredulous. The first package he picks up must have been heavy cause he stumbles a lil picking it up. The only place to put them on the line is right next to me. He proceeds to slam each and every one down on the belt huffing and puffing. I don't even aknowlede his existence but inside laughing my ass off.

The worst paid employee The IRS got suspicious that a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his staff, so they sent an agent to investigate. The agent climbed aboard the boat and said, “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” The boat owner replied, “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand. He’s been with me for three years. I pay him $1,000 a week, plus free room and board. “Then there’s this mentally challenged guy. He works about eighteen hours a day and does almost all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and every Saturday night I buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a dozen Budweisers so he can cope with life. He even gets to sleep with my wife occasionally.” The IRS agent frowned and said, “That’s the guy I want to talk to — the mentally challenged one.” The boat owner nodded and said, “That would be me. What would you like to know?”

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day..... There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Sneezing orgasm. A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?' The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar... ...followed by Batman.

An Amish boy and his Dad . . . A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . . 'Go get your Mother'

An 80 year old man goes into a brothel.. Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.". She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before. The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his cock while he's asleep; she does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously. The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do I have to hold your dick while you're sleeping?" The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."

Voice recognition farce I (M, too old to be arsed with being messed around) am a first world immigrant to another first world country and have an accent that voice recognition really struggles with. (Eleven, eleven, ELEVEN: IYKYK, for everyone else search YouTube for the Burniston lift sketch.) All the local banks, including mine, have heavily pushed for customers to use voice recognition. I call the bank about an issue, a very rare occurrence as most of my banking needs are online, and they ask me to enrol with voice recognition. When I stopped laughing, I told politely told them that, due to my accent, it doesn't work for me. Note that they had off shored call centre service to the Philippines, so there is another communication issue as my accent is very difficult for Philipinos too. I call again about a month later, and the bank informs me voice recognition is now mandatory and I asked "What if it doesn't work?" Their response "It always works". Cue my peals of laughter. (See my comment "Eleven" above.) I asked them how the enrollment works, they responded just follow the instructions. "Still, What if it fails?" "It won't." The malicious compliance: The bank transfers me to the voice recognition enrollment and it fails spectacularly. I have to hang up and call back. Told them about the failure but they insist on a trying again. I comply knowing it would fail again. Rinse and repeat. Called back, I told them about the two fails. They insist on trying AGAIN. My final compliance: It fails again and I am about to have a sense of humour failure. I call back again and insist on having my issue dealt with without going through voice recognition. Once again, they wanted me to follow their process. Cue a change in my tone of voice from friendly to authoritative (no raised volume, no shouting, just a change in tone of voice): "No, this has failed three times in a row. Look at your call records on this account. Either process my request or get I escalate and put in a complaint." (My wife had worked for them and I knew that was a huge negative metric that was to be avoided at all costs.) The Philipino call centre worker passes me to the native English speaker supervisor, who also struggles with my accent. I am perfectly pleasant and explain the three failures and all I wanted was a simple action taken that can't be done online. Success! No complaints required. Eighteen months later I call and bank has added an option to the IVR to bypass voice recognition. This change wasn't down to me, but after speaking to friends who work at the bank it was rather lots of complaints that it didn't work for certain accents. Edited to correct speeling mistooks as on phone.

The Frog I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next hole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog. That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, kiss me. Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room. Edit 1: It's ok, I fixed my spelling error! Threat neutralized!

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

My ex coworker as a youth. Before I begin, its lengthy, but its a funny story. Since its second hand take it as you will. So as my title states, this is an ex coworker from a job many years ago when he was in his teens, so late 1950's to early 1960's. He shall be known as M. M grew up in a small town. When I say small, I mean one traffic light, gas station, diner, post office and a couple of other things. And a library (this factors in later). M and his buddies were bored. They didn't have much to do in town and the next bigger town was an hour drive one way (knowing his age it was up hill both ways). So they were as teens, with cars, bored. They decide to go to the library. They find a book. And in this tome, they find the perfect night time activity. Giddy with excitement (im embelishing since I dont know for sure) they get their supplies. Cue night time. M and his friends get into their cars, and start driving down the roads and criss-cross through the small town making lots of racket. Nothing dangerous and they're driving below the speed limit. About an hour later, the ONE sheriff for the town pulls the guys over and gives them tickets for disturbing the peace and a summons to appear in court. Court: They stand before the judge (known now as J).. J reads the case details and asks how they plead. M has been nominated as speaker for the group and informs J as such with his friends agreeing. M: Your honor, my friends have elected me to speak on their behalf. And before we go further can I ask a question? J: Proceed. M: When we enter our plea, may I explain why we did it? J: Absolutely. M: Well then your honor, for the charge of disturbing the peace, we plead guilty since we in fact were. BUT your honor, we had good cause. The judge is equal parts irritated and intrigued. J: OK, I need to hear this. Proceed. M: Thank you your honor. Essentially, we are both guilty and innocent. Guilty because we did do what it claims on the ticket. We are innocent because of what we DID is actually a law. J: Come again? M: Well we were in the library and found a copy of the laws for the town. And inside of it we found this law: All horseless carriages MUST drag 8 feet of logging chain with links of 3/4 inch behind itsself at night. J: Clerk go to the library and bring this book. A few minutes later the clerk brings it before the judge. J: Show me. M: Give me a moment sir (paws through until finding the page). M: Here your honor. Judge looks at it and sure enough there is in fact a law describing what M claimed. J: There charges are dismissed, but dont do it again because it will not be in this book. Sorry for the lengthy post, but im riding the train into work and had time to type it out (on my cell btw). But I did warn you...