50+ Taxi Driver Jokes

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before? A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothers me." "Then why are you looking at me that way?" "Well, ma'am, I'm looking at you and thinking, 'where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?'"

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

Deny my expenses? Fine you can pay more than triple! This is a quick and dirty one... I'm based in the UK and often have to travel for work via Train to our head office. I typically get public transport to the train station, I live in walking distance to local connections and just pay the nominal amount for public transport tickets myself. One particular journey, shortly after moving house, I decided to drive to the station and leave the car there - I needed to get back for an appointment when my return train got in and wanted the car there to make it on time. Like a good little employee, I submitted my expenses including the car park receipt (£20) which cost significantly more than the usual public transport ticket. Eagerly awaiting re-imbursement, I was disappointed to get an email advising 'as per Travel & Expense policy' I was unable to claim driving related expense without completing a specific 'Driving for work' attestation and supplying updated Car Insurance proving my car was insured (by me, at cost to me personally) for driving for work (NOT commuting, which essentially this was). Fine, I thought.. you know what, you keep that £20, but if we're going to force compliance with the Travel & Expense policy two can play that game. Suddenly, all the 2 hour 52 minute trains were inconvenient, and I had to book different slightly longer 3 hour 4 minute trains... Making them, under the Travel & Expense policy, eligible for First Class travel. Oh, and as my journey time is longer than 3 hours, as per Travel & Expense policy, I'm now eligible for overnight stays... Which of course mean that I can submit expenses for meals as I'm away from home in a hotel for my evening meal (as per the Travel & Expense policy). And then, of course, reasonable travel expenses (as detailed in the Travel & Expense policy) also cover taxis for unsociable hours... So unfortunately that 6:00am bus ride is now a 6:30 Uber, and that late night 10:00pm bus ride when I get home is now also a nice, comfortable Uber. Costing around £40 (or 10 x what I paid myself for public transport tickets). I think I've more than tripled the cost of my having to travel to head office on each trip, purely out of spite over £20, by maliciously complying with the good ol' (yep, you guessed it) Travel & Expense Policy.

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him... ... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..." Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

Julie noticed that her best friend had a tense, almost pained expression, unlike her normal self. Then she reminded herself that this was only her first time practicing taxidermy.

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this. A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window. For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!" The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad" The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!"

A minister dies.. ..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

3 drunk guys got into a taxi... ...The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and after a few seconds, simply turned it off again. Taxi driver: We have reached your destination! The first guy gave him some money and the second guy thanked him as they clambered out of the car. The third guy slapped the taxi driver across the face. The taxi driver was shocked, thinking the third guy was drunk. Taxi driver: What was that for?? Third guy: Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!!!

Drunk guys and a Taxi Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We're here". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Slow the hell down next time, you nearly killed us!"

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

Christmas drinkers Please be careful everyone, I went out for a few drinks after work and got carried away so I left the car at the bar and took a taxi home. Sure enough just up the road the police were pulling over cars and breathalyzing the drivers. They just waved me past being in a taxi which is strange because I've never driven one before and haven't a clue where I got it from

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

Guy walks into a bar The bartender goes, "Hey, you're a Muslim, aren't you?" The guy goes, "Yeah, how could you tell?" The bartender says, "Well, okay, so, I know this is 2020 and everything and we're all trying to be really politically correct and not assume things, but I'm still somewhere on the curve, and I'm learning, but, well, you've got brown skin, a beard, and I could overhear you speaking in either Urdu or Arabic outside, so, yeah, I assumed. I'm sorry. Was that racist?" The guy says, "Since Muslims aren't a race, that wasn't racist. But that was you stereotyping, which in most circumstances wouldn't have been cool, but I've had a really long day and I couldn't give a damn. Can you pour me a beer please?" The bartender says, "Forgive me, but isn't drinking prohibited in your religion?" The guy says, "Well, yes, but I thought we were in America." The bartender says, "You're right. You're right. You can drink here. But I'm just wondering, like, I don't know much about that culture and that lifestyle. Will you feel guilty after drinking this beer?" The guy says, "I've drank beer plenty of times. You see, I'm what you might call a moderate Muslim. I'm not perfect. I've had premarital relationships with a couple of girls. I've eaten the odd pork pie every now and then. And on weekends I drink. I'm a Muslim, but I'm also very much a citizen of the Western world, where these things are okay. Does that answer your question?" The bartender says, "So I do not have to feel guilty about pouring you this here beer?" The guy smiles. "About as guilty as you'd feel for pouring the same drink to a Jewish person, a Christian, or a Hindu." The bartender smiles back and hands him the glass. The guy takes a sip and smacks his lips. "Thank you for this. I've had a really long day. There's this MERN stack app that I've been developing, and it's been really taxing. I haven't slept in more than eighteen hours." The bartender says, "You're a web developer?" "Yes," the guy says. "And I drive Lyft on the side to supplement my income. I'm not really that great of a web developer." "So where are you from?" The bartender asks. "North Carolina," the guy says. "No, I meant, like, where are you really from? Like where did your family come from?" The guy frowns a bit and takes another sip from his glass and puts it down on the bar. "Now that I mind. Why would you think we came from anywhere?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that I was wondering where your family immigrated from," the bartender says. His face is a bit flushed. "That's all right. Okay, so I was born here. In North Carolina. Born and raised in Raleigh. My dad moved here from Pakistan. He's a systems engineer. My mom's from India. She'd come here for her Master's. Does that answer your question?" "Pretty much. So you're an American," the bartender says. "As much as you are," the guy says and raises his glass. "I'll drink to that," the bartender says and clinks his shot glass with the guy's. Later when the guy takes out his wallet from his pocket to pay, the bartender shakes his head and says, "It's on the house. And listen, my friend, I'm a democrat. I would have voted for Obama a third time. And I'm not Islamophobic or xenophobic at all. You're welcome here anytime." The guy smiles and shakes the bartender's hand and says, "Only if you let me pay for the drinks from now on. I'm not one to trigger your white guilt for free drinks." "This is dialogue. We need more dialogue like this to heal our country, to bring people together. You know?" the bartender says. "You're very right, sir," the guy says and tips his cap to the bartender. Guy walks out of the bar. ​ Edit: Oh my God, thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly awesome response. The comments made my day, this is the most upvoted any post of mine has ever gotten, and I got my first award! Thank you u/kirkaug for the award. Very cool. You're all awesome. This was the best day of my life.

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat. The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?" "How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim. Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?" Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team." Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled. The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her. The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..." Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride... Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years." -Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.

A female nudist calls for a taxi The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes. At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before? Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!

Can't serve drink to the drunk... A man, clearly the worse for drink, staggers into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says to him "I'm afraid I can't serve you, as you are obviously drunk. Would you like me to call you a taxi?" Mumbling something or other along the lines of "no", the man clumsily makes his way back out the door without causing any fuss. A few minutes later, the man comes back in through the side door of the pub, and tries to order a pint. "I'm afraid, sir, that I still cannot serve you as you are drunk," comes the reply, "are you sure you don't want me to call you a cab?" Once again the man mutters and makes his way out through the door he came in. Several more minutes pass, and who should come in the back door of the pub but this same boozed-up individual. This time staggers up to the bar, looks the bartender in the eyes, and a look of surprise spreads over his face. "Jesus," he manages to say, "how many bars in this town d'you work in?"

3 Drunk guys entered a taxi. 3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway... A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor. The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?' "No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

A priest is taking a cab home from church A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough, "Son, don't use these words, they anger our Good Lord. Say for instance, 'Lord help us'" The cabbie reluctantly agrees. As they drive on, they hit a really big pothole and the entire wheel falls off! The cabbie remembering the priest's words says "Lord help us!" Suddenly, the wheel stops, rolls back, and snaps back on! "What the fuck?" said the priest.

In the hands of an expert.. A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks "What are you doing?" The driver answers: "Dont worry, I am an expert." He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, complains again, more urgently. The driver replies "Relax, relax, you are in the hands of an expert." Suddenly, the light turns green, the driver slams on the brakes, and the taxi skids to a halt. The tourist picks himself off the floor of the taxi and asks "For crying out loud, why stop now that the light is finally green?" The driver answers "Too dangerous, could be another expert crossing."

I took a taxi the other night A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

A kid gets in a taxi The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him. If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be? An idiot, answers the kid. The driver starts laughing If your dad was a retard, what would you be? A retard, answers the kid. If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be? A taxi driver, answers the kid

Unfortunately, due to the rise in popularity of rideshare services, Fake Taxi has had to shut down. But don't worry! Their new venture, "Screw-ber" is set to launch next week!

First day on the job A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, but I've been a hearse driver for the last 25 years!"

A woman, her 7 years old and a Taxi driver. A woman and her 7 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside. The Boy asked; "Mummy, what are all those women doing?." His Mother replied; "They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work." The Taxi driver turned around and said; "Why don't you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money." The Boy's eyes got wide and asked; "Mummy is that true?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied; "Yes.!!" After a few minutes, the boy asked; "Mummy, what happens to the babies those women have?." She replied; "Most of them become Taxi drivers.

Terrifying Story A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

A passenger in a taxi... A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

[NSFW] A businessman goes to Las Vegas (long)... And he gambles away the shirt off his back. All he has left is the second part of plane ticket. So he goes to a taxi and asks him if he can take him to the airport. He offers his credit card number, phone number, everything, but the Taxi driver said that if he doesn't have $15, he should the hell out. The businessman gets out while being insulted and barely catches his plane by hitchhiking. A year later after earning back his lost income, the businessman goes back and wins big. When he's about to go back to the airport, he sees the taxi driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck. So, he devises a revenge plan. The taxi driver is in the back of a long line of other taxis. The businessman goes in the front taxi and says, "How much to get to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15." The businessman then asks, "And how much for oral sex?" The taxi driver yells, "Get the hell out!" The businessman asks the same questions and gets the same answers for all the taxis. When he finally gets to the last taxi with the driver who rejected him when he was down on his luck, he asks, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The driver responds, "$15." That was all. So he pays and as they slowly drive past the other taxis on the way. The businessman looks out the window with a big smile and thumbs up. (From The Filthy Dirty Joke Book)

Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas. This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep. The next day he was in the shower when he heard the voice again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He ignored it and went to work, but while in the elevator going up to his office, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Later that day, while he was in a meeting, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." On the car ride home, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." In bed trying to sleep, he heard it again. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." The next day was worse. He started hearing the voice every hour on the hour. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." He didn't tell anyone, because he didn't want anyone to think he was crazy. He tried to ignore it, but the voice was persistent... "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." The next day, he was hearing the voice over and over and over again. It was louder than ever. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Vegas." Finally, the guy snaps. "Fuckit!" He goes up to his boss, tells him to take this job and shove it up his ass, then walks out. He goes home and contacts a realtor, and sells the house the next day. He packs up the cash in a suitcase, buys a plane ticket, and flies to Vegas. After he walks out of the airport and says, "Alright, now what?" "Go to Caesar's Palace." The guy hails a taxi and immediately goes to Caesar's Palace. As soon as he walks into the front door, he hears the voice again. "Go to the roulette table." The guy goes to the nearest roulette table. "Put it all on red 21." The guy takes all of his money and puts it on red 21. The croupier spins the wheel, and the ball goes round and round, and finally lands... on black 35. The voice says, "FUCK!"

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to... A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A date with a twist.. A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Why is it so hard to have a guys night out Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. “I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home. just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!! Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn’t seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)…. then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it’s throat and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and farted

taxi A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams and nearly crashes the car into a tree. "Holy shit! You scared me." "Sorry" "Oh no, it's not your fault. This is my first day at this job. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

The government has started taxing orgasms now. They call it the in-cum tax.

A wife takes her husband to a Strip Club A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday... At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi... The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

Fright flight! After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots." The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff. As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!! The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

What’s Darth Vader’s corrupt brother’s name? Taxi Vader

The frightened taxi driver Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly" The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault." "Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

A young man and his date were parked... ... on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

A priest and a taxi driver die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"

So this guy loses all his money in Vegas... ...& doesn't have cab fare to airport. He hails taxi anyway, explains situation & promises to send fare from home. He offers credit card #'s, drivers license #, his address, etc... Cabbie: ''If you don't have 15 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!'' He ends up walking 5 miles to the airport & barely catches his flight. A year later he returns to LV & this time wins big. Feeling great, he goes to the front of the casino to get a cab to the airport, & who does he see but the cabbie who refused to give him a ride when down on his luck. He thinks for a moment & hits on a plan. He gets into the first cab in the line: ''How much for a ride to the airport?" ''15 bucks." 'And how much if you give me a bj on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab ya freak.'' He proceeds to go down the long line of cabs, asking the same question, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he asks: ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' ''15 bucks.'' ''OK,'' as he jumps into front seat w/ a big smile & thumbs up for the other cabbies.

Having a threesome with a mom and daughter So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"

My Wife and I went to Spain. The other week I went to Barcelona for a vacation with my wife. We stayed at a small local hotel about 30 minutes from the city. The first day we had a great time going around las ramblas and going taking pictures at La Sagrada familia. That night we even attended a Barcelona game against Real Madrid. It was a great game, but unfortunately ended in a draw. We took a taxi back to the hotel, but on the way I started to feel funny. I had some pains in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day I had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack! I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel! The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied “no one expects the Spanish inn physician.” credit to u/ClintonHarvey for the pun

Going Out for the Evening A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, put the dog outside, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out, the dog runs back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

3 drunk guys 3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!

I think my wife is cheating on me I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

A mother and her young daughter are going home by taxi at night... after some time they're passing by the red-light district and the young girl discovers some prostitutes on the street. She asks her mother: "Mom, what are they doing?" The mother replies: "They're just guarding the parked cars." The taxi driver intervenes: "Don't let your mother bullshit you - they're whores!" The mother turns red and sinks down in the back seat annoyed and disappointed by the driver. A few moments later the little girl asks: "Mom can whores get children too?" The mother starts smiling spitefully and looks the driver in the eyes through the driving mirror... "Sure, where else do you think all the taxi drivers come from?"

The Taxi man. Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

A man sitting in the back of a taxi taps the driver on the shoulder to ask a question... The driver screams and loses control of the car causing it to veer off the road, narrowly missing a group of people and comes to a stop just before hitting a shop window. For a moment , everything goes quiet in the taxi, then the driver says, "Oi mate, don't do anything like that again. You scared the crap out of me!" The passenger apologises and says "I didn't realise a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replies, "I'm sorry, it's just today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 30 years."

A joke I received from my cousin this morning. 4 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, kept it started for 5 mins then turned it off again. He then told them"We have reached". The 1st guy was too drunk.Without saying a word he got out of the taxi. The 2nd guy gave him money. The 3rd guy got out and said "thank you". The 4th guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked, he thought the 4th guy knew what he did. But he asked "what was that for"? The 4th guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us"!

Taxidermist walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?" "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years. A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved me on. I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.

The Pope is visiting the US when suddenly... ... the phone rings in his room; there is an emergency in the Vatican and he needs to return immediately. So the Pope has arrangements made for the first available flight back to Rome and a taxi cab. The cab -unfortunately- takes ages to arrive and time is starting to run short. As the taxi is calmly underway to the airport, the Pope asks the driver, "Can't we speed up? We won't make it on time like this!" The driver responds, "I'm sorry, but I have to keep to the speed limits, otherwise I could lose my license.." Frustrated the Pope says, "Fine, just pull aside here and I will drive then". And so, moments later the taxi cab departs with the Pope behind the wheel. Further down the road a policeman notices the speeding cab and stops them over. When the policeman asks the driver to lower the darkened window, he suddenly realizes it's the Pope. Taken aback, he asks the Pope to remain in the vehicle and uses the dispatch in his own car to contact HQ. "I've got a question.. When someone is caught speeding, they ought to get a ticket, yes?" "-Of course, that's how we always do things" "But what if it is someone really important?" "-The law is the law. It applies to everyone" "But what if it is someone really, really important?" "-Wait, who are we talking about here?" "I don't know sir, but whomever it is, he has the Pope as his personal chauffeur!"

So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles... ...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laughs are heard as the cockpit door closes. It must be a joke-- after all, two blind pilots would never be allowed to fly an airliner. The plane taxis to the runway and accelerates to take-off speed. It starts to seem as though the plane is taking a little longer than usual to nose up, and some passengers begin to fidget nervously. More seconds tick by and the plane is still zooming along on the ground, and *all* the passengers are nervous. Finally, the plane nears the end of the runway, and every passenger screams in terror, unable to contain themselves. The plane suddenly jerks upward and clears the runway just in time. A sigh of relief passes over the whole cabin. A few laughs are heard. It was part of the joke all along! Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the captain and first officer are setting their course. The first officer turns to the captain and says "You know Earl, I hate to say this, but one day they aren't gonna scream, and we're not gonna know when to take off."

"Do you know what the hardest part of the night is?" asked the taxi driver. "Is it his shield?" I asked.

A joke from my great uncle A nun is walking through the city and hails a taxi cab. The nun gets in a cab, and after a few minutes the cabbie says "It's been a while since I've passionately kissed a woman, would you be willing to kiss me, sister?" The nun asks "Are you single and catholic? If you are there shouldn't be a problem." The man says he is, and they intensely kiss for the next 10 minutes. Afterwards the cabbie starts to feel guilty and says "sister, I must confess I'm married and a Muslim." The nun says, "oh that's alright, my name is Troy and I'm going to a costume party."

So the pope coes to New York... and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi... As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by. "Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!" Moments later, another car speeds ahead. "Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!" Then once more, another car rushes ahead. "Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!" Then they reach their destination. "Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese. "Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London... As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager to brag, the Texan questioned its construction too. The cabbie replied that it was built in 1544 and completed in 1618. "Well, boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a month!" As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabbie was silent. "Well? What's that over there?" asked the Texan. The annoyed cabbie scratches his head and replied "I haven't the foggiest idea, Sir. It wasn't there yesterday!"

3 drunk men Three men hail a taxi. The driver—seeing that they’re drunk—decides to pull a fast one. So he switches the engine on, then quickly switches it off and announces, “We’re here!” The first guy hands him the fare, the second guy says, “Thanks,” but the third guy angrily smacks the cabbie’s head. “What was that for?” asks the cabbie, afraid he’s been caught. “That,” says the passenger, “is for driving so fast!”

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from'round here are ya?" "No" replies the, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?" "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

The worst day ever. A scrawny man enters a bar, and takes a seat at the counter. He orders a drink, but doesn't touch it. About twenty minutes go by and the man still hasn't touched his drink. Next to him was a hefty trucker, who having noticed this thought it would be funny to down the other's man drink. He does this, causing some of the other bar patrons to erupt in laughter. The skinny man takes this poorly, and starts to quietly sob. The trucker immediately feels bad and offers to buy the man another drink. "No, it's alright. I was just having the worst day ever." the man said "You see, I had trouble finding my keys this morning, so I was late to work, and missed a very big meeting with some important client. My boss fired me on the spot. I leave the building, and see that someone has stolen my car. I take a taxi to the police station to report it, and it turns out that I left my wallet in the taxi. I walk home, and find out my wife is cheating on me with the neighbor. So I come here contemplating just ending my life, then you come along and steal the drink, I put the poison in."

Jewish Cab Driver Jewish Cab Driver: A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from." The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my ass sweetie, then what are you doing?" He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'aam, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis naked lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

Malasian airlines Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Two Irish men were talking one morning.. "You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum. "Why, What did I do?", said David. "You took a taxi home!" "So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!" "The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan... The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?" "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

3 Drunk Irishmen 3 drunk Irishmen entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st Irishman gave him money & the 2nd Irishman said "Thanks". The 3rd Irishman slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian? He has a sign on his door: “Either way, you get your dog back.”

A boy goes with his mother in a taxi, In between taxi passes by a red light area. The boy asks his mother after looking at the call girls, Mom, who are they ? Mother replied: They are waiting for their husbands. Taxi driver: Why are you lying the kid ? He says, son they are prostitutes. They sleep and earn money! Child Asks: Then mom what happens to the kids these women give birth to? MOM : THEY BECOME TAXI DRIVERS

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim. The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him. 'I'm going home!' As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself himself to the door. After finally managing to flag a taxi with his face plastered to the asphalt, he slowly drags himself into the back seat, where he lays passed-out, in a shady configuration. The cabbie sings for him the whole way home, offkey. After he pours himself out of the taxi, he crawls over to the front of his apartment building, where his film finally cuts, putting him in a deep slumber. The bartender, being a good friend, goes by the next day to check up on him. He finds him laid across his buildings' lawn. 'What are you doing, man, you had a bit too much last night, didn't you?' 'Yea, I didn't even realize how much I drank... But how did you figure how bad I got?' 'For one, you forgot your wheelchair at the bar.'

An old lady gets into a taxi An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies "That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians." A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver barely managed to evade him when he suddenly hears a clunk from the back. When he turns his head he sees the old lady grinning "If I hadn't opened my door, we wouldn't have got him!"

A cold blooded revenge story.. A guy went to a casino and lost all 10,000$. Swearing for the situation he goes to a taxi driver and asks: I have lost all my money, please give me a ride back home for free. Fuck off, no money, no ride. The next day the guys come to casino again and this time he successfully won all the money back and 10,000$ extra. Hi goes out of the casino happily and sees five taxis, and the last car is the one, which refused to give a ride for free yesterday. He goes to the first taxi and says: Will you take me home for 100$? Sure! But when you take me there you'll have to do the blowjob as well Fuck off, man... The guys goes to all next three cars and the story repeats. Finally he goes to the last taxi driver, who refused to help a day ago, and says: Will you take me home for 100$? Sure! Deal, but you have to pass through those other four taxi drivers very, very slowly.

An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

Praying and Sleeping Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

Another taxi joke A taxi driver, late one night, was startled to see a stark naked woman rush into his cab. She told the driver the address of her destination but the driver just continued to stare at her in disbelief. Finally the woman shouted, "What's the matter? Never seen a naked woman before!" "No, I'm staring at you wondering where the hell are you keeping the money to pay me"

Saying goodbye to mother We were dressed, and ready to go. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the day. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!'

Saying Goodbye to Mother We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

Saying goodbye to mother We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!” The cab driver hit a parked car.

Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother. Taxi Vader

A Taxing Poem "Taxpayer's Lament" Tax his cow, Tax his goat; Tax his pants, Tax his coat; Tax his crop, Tax his work; Tax his ties, Tax his shirt; Tax his chew, Tax his smoke Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule; Tell him, Taxing is the rule. Tax his oil, Tax his gas Tax his notes, Tax his cash Tax him good and let him know, That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, Tax him more; Tax him till he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax his sod in which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove him to his doom." After he's gone, we won't relax. We'll still collect inheritance tax.

What does a taxidermist do for a living? Oh you know... stuff...

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver... so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.” The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver… I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

The cabride. My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?

Sadly, I had to quit my job as a taxi driver... I just couldn't stand everyone talking behind my back.

3 drunk guys and a taxi driver 3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

This guy walks into a bar in Redneck county and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"The guy says, "I"m from England."The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"The guy responds, "I"m a taxidermist."The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"The guy says "I mount animals."The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It"s OK boys, he's one of us!"

An old bosnian joke my dad told me. Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the car out of control, crosses 3 lanes of traffic, hits a car, and crashes into a light pole the tourist then says: "i'm so sorry! i didn't think gently tapping you on the shoulder would cause you to lose control like that! You probably get robbed pretty often in your city." Haso says: "Oh, go fuck yourself ! Today is my first day of work as a taxi driver. The last 20 years I drove a hearse."

Drunk in a Taxi So, a drunk climbs gracelessly into the back of a taxi and says "Drive." As they pull from the curb, he leans forward and asks the driver, "Do you have room up front for a large pepperoni pizza and a six-pack of beer?" The driver replies, "Sure!" The drunk bends over the seat and says, "HHUURRRRGGHHHHHH!"

The taxi driver Passenger : I hate my job, my boss is such an Asshole. Taxi driver : See that's why I love my job, I own my taxi, no boss for me, no one to tell me what to do. Passenger : take a left here.

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist. The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them." A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a *wallet*! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's *disappointingly small*. OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it? The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"