50+ Swimming Jokes

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

George Bush dies and goes to hell Satan is already waiting for him. 'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll take their place. However, you can choose whose place you want to take. 'Oh, that sounds okay I guess' says Bush. Satan leads him to the first room and opens the door. In this room, there's a huge swimming pool. In it, Reagan is drowning. He goes down, then up, then down, then up, and he's gasping for air all the while. 'Oh, no,' says Bush. 'That's not for me, I'm a poor swimmer.' Satan opens the second door. The room is full of rocks and they see Nixon trying to break up the rocks with a wooden hammer. 'Nah, I have problems with my shoulders and my back, that'd be such a painful thing to do day after day.' So Satan opens the third door. In the room, they see Clinton lying on the floor, all tied up. Monica Lewinsky is lying on top of Clinton, giving him a blowjob. Bush stares at the scene with a wide smile and says: 'Ah, that I could endure!' 'Alright,' laughs Satan. 'Monica, you're free to go!'

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

You want me to answer your office phone for you while I am working from home? Several years ago, a friend ("Mark") started a home-based computer software business. He and his wife lived in their home for about 10 years and had a well-established home phone number. This was around the time that cell phones were just beginning to be popular, so 95% of people still used mainly landlines. Mark worked 2pm-10pm, the same shift as his wife, so his customers could be free to discuss their computer needs uninterrupted after their own businesses closed for the day. Most computer maintenance still had to be done in person instead of remotely, so customers could drop off devices after work and pick them up from Mark’s back porch on their way to work the next day. All went swimmingly for a few months until a new doctor opened up a practice in town, complete with a telephone number differing from Mark’s by one digit. Mark's number had a ‘3’ where the medical office had an ’8’ in the last 4 number combination. Misdialing was frequent. At first there were occasional calls to which Mark would patiently redirect the caller. As time wore on and the practice got more and more referrals from local hospitals to give Dr. Newintown an established client base, the calls began to come at all hours, 24 hours a day: weekends nights holidays you name it. The office still got calls after hours to an answering service for patients to find out who was on call, and for the hospital staff to reach doctors after hours. Mark had to unplug the phone just to have a conversation over lunch with his wife, and in order to sleep. Also not ideal when you have 3 daughters of dating age out after dark. Mark called the doctor’s office and asked them to please change their phone number so he and his family could get some peace and quiet, and so he could build his own business to support them. Since he had his phone longer, he felt the doctor should be gracious and change his number to a different one to stop the confusion. He was told in about so many words by the doctor that it was too bad, but nothing was going to be done, as advertising, stationery, business cards and signage were expensive to redo, not to mention convey the new information to all his patients, medical registries, the medical board and societies, and hospitals. "Just do the best you can, I'm sure the calls will stop soon. Good luck to you!" "Okey Dokey!! I'll do my best to take care of things!" Mark cheerfully replied. After that, Mark began to field all the calls that came in personally. "You've had the sniffles all morning after working in the yard around pollen? You'd better come right in!" “You start coughing every time you smoke a cigarette? Come on in!!” “Hmm…I’m not the doctor, but a temperature of 98.9 sounds a little high to me. We’ll see you right after lunch today.” "You're new in town and have kids who need physicals and shots for school next week? It just so happens we have an opening in an hour. No, no, don't worry we can take all 5 of them at once, today." Whatever the problem was, he started making appointments for each and every person calling. All were delighted to have such personal attention and prompt appointments. "Sure, we take ALL insurance plans. Come right in!" He also made routine checkup type appointments for 4:30 pm one Friday afternoon for 6 different people. Bright and early the next Monday morning, Dr. Newintown called and begged him to stop. Mark said :"I will if you will." The doctor had a new phone number before the end of the week.

An elderly man in Louisiana ... ... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think fast....

The boy was too young to understand why he wasn't allowed to play with the kids from uptown, so one day he snuck out to go swimming with them. That night he hung limp from a tree, lit by the crackling light of burning crosses.

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers... "Hello!" "Hey, honey, this is daddy. Is mummy near the phone?" "No, daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Jake." "But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..." "Uh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mummy right now." "Ok, honey, I need you to go near the bedroom and shout 'Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway' and then come back and call me." A few minutes later, the daughter calls back. "I did it, daddy." "Well, what happened?" "Mummy got scared, started running around, tripped and hit her head on the corner of her bed, and now she isn't moving." "Oh my gosh. And what about Uncle Jake? "He too got scared, jumped out of the window into the swimming pool, but he forgot you took out the water yesterday, and now he is lying still and screaming." "Wait a minute, but our house doesn't have a swimming pool…” “Oh, then you probably called a wrong number, mister”

There are 500 bricks on a plane... - There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? 499 - What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge - What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge - The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator. - Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why? The alligators are all at the birthday party. - Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking... Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

Swimming Pool Joke Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Here's what happened when a homeless man rescued a millionaire One day a homeless man was walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion-like houses on the street. He looked into a garden and saw a well-dressed man in a suit, crying and looking into a swimming pool. The man in the suit filled his pockets with rocks, and suddenly jumped into the pool, still crying. The homeless man wasted no time in jumping in, to drag the other man out of the water. After the man in the suit had taken some moments to recover and process what was happening (and what he was doing), he thanked the homeless man profusely and asked if there was any way he could repay him for his kindness. "What was I thinking?!" the man in suit said, "Please good sir, I must reward you for what you have done for me. Money is no obstacle, and you can have anything you want. How can I repay you?" "I don't need money." the homeless man replied. "But I would like a job if there is a way that you can arrange that. The well-dressed man was taken aback by this request but complied, saying that the homeless man could work on one of the commercial cruise ships that his company owned. A few weeks later the captain of this cruis ship was inspecting his new subordinate and was disgusted by his appearance. "We can't have a homeless man running around on this ship, because it will put off the guests. You can be a janitor, but only if you promise to only leave your employee cabin to work at night when the guests are asleep." The homeless man was not bothered by the captain's comments, and got to work as a night janitor on the ship. One night he finished his work early, and decided to swim in the pool while no one was around. Unfortunately the first hand came on deck just as the homeless man began to dive into the pool. Instead of being outraged, he was amazed at the perfect dive that the homeless man pulled off. The first mate insisted he do it again for the captain. After being shown the skill of this homeless man the captain was amazed. He insisted that the homeless man put on diving shows for the customers. Weeks later the homeless man was about to attempt the tallest dive possible for his newly gained fans. The diving board was set up especially for the occasion, and it extended impossibly high into the sky. The man began climbing and climbing. Hours passed before he reached the top of the board. He looked to the pool far below, but was completely unphased. With a couple of stretches, he dove straight down, aiming for the pool below. Down, down and down he went, picking up speed, until he hit terminal velocity on his dive. He hit the water at an incredible speed, and sliced right through the water, straight to the bottom of the pool. He didn't stop though, and smashed through the bottom of the pool, and through each of the 30 decks below, until he broke right through the bottom of the ship, into the open ocean. Commotion immediately broke out on the ship. "Man overboard!" People were shouting, and frantically threw life preservers to the homeless man. He caught a life preserver and was hoisted up onto the ship again. "Remarkable!" the captain said now inspecting the man, "You smashed all the way through the ship, and there's not a scratch on you. How is such a thing possible!" "Well." said the homeless man. "I have been through many hardships in my life."

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf... It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause. "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party... Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly: An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

A man is at the zoo... ... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla. The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He starts running away but realizes that the gorilla will catch up to him and maul him. He finds a car and starts driving and thinks he's the clear. Looking in the rear view mirror, he connected eyes with gorilla who was right on his tail. The gorilla starts to attack the back of the car and the man makes it to the pier and hopping out and starts running to a speedboat. On the speedboat he revs it up to 100 MPH and thinks he's in the clear, only to see the gorilla swimming closely behind him. He docks the boat across the lake and and continues running. Looking back he sees that the gorilla hasn't given up chase at all. He finds himself backed up against a tree, so he puts a bandana over his eyes and starts to smoke a cigarette; waiting for his demise. The gorilla comes up, taps him and says " TAG YOU'RE IT".

There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left? 499. What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge. What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge. The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why? The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge. Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how? The alligators are all at the birthday party. Sally dies anyways. Why? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

Two great white sharks . . . Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

Jim and Mary. Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Two whales There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, ''I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it." "Okay," says the other whale. They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, ''I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?'' The other whale then replies ''No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow the seamen."

My daughter caught my wife cheating on me.. "Hello?" "Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "but honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now." Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled up." "Okay, Daddy just a minute." A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy." "And what happened honey?" "Well, mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all." "Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead! **Real long pause** Then daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?"

Daddy's Call “Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” “No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.” Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” “Okay Daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.” ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

An elderly man in Florida . . . An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River

When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot

Two whales were swimming together in the Pacific Ocean... When they come across a whaling vessel. One whale looks to the other and says "we should swim under it and blow our air out, and hopefully the boat will capsize!" The second whale agrees, thinking that every whaler deserves a fate like that, so they swim under the boat, and exhale as hard as they can. The boat tips over and all the men on board are stranded, floating I the water. The first whale then says "we should eat these sailors so they don't ever even have the chance to hunt another one of us again!" The second whale, with a look of disgust on her face, replies "Look. I went ahead with the blowjob, but there is no WAY you're going to get me to eat the seamen!"

How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? "Please get out of the swimming pool"

I was at the public swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed - he blew his whistle so fucking loud, I nearly fell in.

A blonde girl in second grade comes home one day really excited with a large grin on her face, Running to her mother she says, "Mom!! mom! Today the teacher asked what letter comes after S, and i was the first in class to say T! Is it because I'm smarter?" Her mom sighs, "Yes honey." The very next day she runs home from school and with a large proud smile on her face she tells her mother, "Guess what mom the teacher gave us a sum 12+15 and i got it right, 27! see see?" She says showing her math book. "Is it because i'm smarter than them mom?" Her mom looks down and sighs once more, "Yes dear." The following day the blond girl half runs all the way home grinning. Breathlessly she goes to her mother, " Mommy we went swimming today and guess what? All the girls had small titties and look! I had these" She promptly lifts her shirt to reveal two whopping perfectly round full size D breasts. "Is it.. is it because i'm smarter mom?" Her mom sighs and looks the other way. "No honey, it's because you're 24."

A whale of a joke A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A New Yorker is visiting Texas for the first time on a business trip The New Yorker walks into the hotel bar and asks the bartender "is everything actually bigger in Texas?" The bartender chuckles "Partner, *everything* is bigger here. Order a Texas sized beer and a Texas sized steak and you can see for yerself." Being adventurous, the man agrees. The steak and the beer come and they're enormous. The Texas sized steak was the biggest steak he'd ever laid eyes on, he couldn't even finish half of it. The Texas sized beer had him completely plastered. He was so drunk he could barely sit on the barstool. Eventually after all that liquid from the Texas sized beer he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. "Sure thing city slicker, go down that hall and make your first left." The bartender instructs him. But being completely hammered the New Yorker takes his second left and falls into the hotel swimming pool. The drunken New Yorker thrashes around in the water and comes up to the surface and screams at the top of his lungs "*OH GOD DON'T FLUSH!*"

I decided to go swimming yesterday And while I was there I really need to pee so I thought I’d go in the deep end. Well let me tell you you the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Daddy's Call Just found this online. Had to see what the Reddit world thought: “Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” “No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.” Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” “Okay Daddy, just a minute.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.” ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

A physicist, mathematician and a priest are trapped in a burning Skyscraper... On the ground is a huge swimmingpool. Their only chance to survive is to jump into it. The Priest looks at it, prays for 20 min. says "God will help me" jumps, misses and dies. The physician looks down, approximates some values, writes down some constants and makes a small experiment, calculates 5 min. says "I hope I remembered the constants well enough", jumps and lands safely in the pool. The mathematician takes out his notebook and in an attempt to come up with a general solution and its proof, spends 2h writing furiously. "This has to work", he says, jumps and flies upwards in a steep curve. He made a sign error. (Joke from our Physics professor, the room was dying laughing. I hope I didnt screw up too badly translating this from german, have mercy)

A good looking girl waved at me today… but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

A couple of whales. A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the same side of the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him."What's the matter, Darling?" "Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

So two whales are swimming along... ... when they spot a whaling ship. The first whale, in shock, says, "Hey! That's that ship that attacked our pod last year. We should sink it. We'll dive deep under the boat and blow bubbles up. The bubbles will capsize the boat and they'll sink!" The second whale agrees and they begin their attack on the unsuspecting boat. The two whales take enormous breaths and dive deep under the boat. They blow all the air out their blowholes and the bubbles race toward the surface. When the two whales come up they see the boat is capsized and sinking and several sailors are in the water. "Oh man!" says the first whale. "We got 'em. Look, they're all swimming in the water. Now we can eat them!" The second whale, taken aback, then says, "Sorry man, I'll help with the blow job, but I won't swallow seamen."

My dick is bigger in Texas too A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. " "Really? I go swimming and for long hikes" "I know.".

A guy knocked on my door. He asked me for a small donation for the new local swimming being built. I came back with a glass of water.

A bitchy woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots. ​ After becoming frustrated with the salesman she said, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shoe salesman replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?" The woman headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home and spotted her standing waist-deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning reflexes, the woman took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The salesman watched in amazement as the woman struggled with the gator. Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed, "CRAP – THIS ONE IS BAREFOOT TOO!”

Chuck Norris died in Hawaii. He’s currently swimming to L.A. for the funeral.

Two whales were swimming through ocean when... NSFW They spotted a whaling vessel overhead. The young whale turns to the old whale and says, "Hey, Mom! Thats the boat that killed father. Lets get it!" The mother turns to her daughter, nodding in agreement, and says, "Heres what we will do: I will swim directly under the boat and blow bubbles until the boat capsizes. Then you will come in and attack the sailors who fall overboard." The mother proceeds to swim under the boat and executes her part of the plan perfectly. As the sailors tumble into the water, the daughter yells in excitement, "Mom! Here they come, lets get them!" The mother shakes her head and says lovingly to her daughter, "No, honey, I gave the blow job, you swallow the seamen."

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these. Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother! Shut up and eat what you're told. Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii! Shut up and keep swimming. Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles! Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor! Honestly, I'm scarred.

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers. The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman. "We don't have a maid" , said the woman. The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house. The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife." The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" The maid says, "What will I have to do?" The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with." The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots. The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?" The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here." A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

A Ranger, a Bayou, and a few Marines An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Recreational tampons Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said; "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. A Father and a Son. The Son turns to his father and ask "Dad where did I come from?" Dad replies "My penis Son" Son says "Oh.. Thanks Dad" Dad says "You're whale cum"

A billionaire decides to build a palace A billionaire decides to build a palace to bring the best musicians of the 60’s together in one place. After a year of hammering, sawing, and painting the palace is finally finished. It’s perfect – marble, chandeliers, and concert halls; dozens of swimming pools and tennis courts. Excited, the billionaire sends out his invitations. A few weeks later he sees Jefferson Airplane, The Beetles, Jimmy Hendrix and a hoard of 60’s luminaries standing in the grass, but none are coming inside. Paul McCartney is playing cards with Mick Jagger. The billionaire is stunned. “I’ve spent a year building this palace, making it perfect in every detail for the best musicians the 60’s has ever known. Why won’t you come inside?” John Lennon adjusts his glasses and calls out: “You forgot The Doors.”

2 Whales, 1 whaling ship One day a male and a female whale are swimming along, when the male whale sees the whaling ship that killed his mother. He turns to the female whale, and says "I have a plan. Lets both take a huge breath of air, swim under that whaling ship, expel all our breath, and see if we can sink it." The female says okay, and they proceed with his plan, and sure enough the whaling ship sinks. But as the whales are swimming away, the male sees the sailors from the ship swimming away, he turns to the female and says "Quick, lets swim over there and eat those sailors." The female whale turns to him and says "Hey now, wait a minute, I was okay with the blow job, but there is no way I'm swallowing any seamen."

Capsized While sport fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting a beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted, There wouldn't by chance be any crocodiles in these waters he asked in a panic. No, the old man hollered back haven't been any for years! Feeling relieved the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward the shore he asked the old man, say how'd you get rid of the crocodiles anyway? We didn't do anything, the old man said, the sharks got em.

Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

*RING* "Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Another brief pause... "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. She tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he may be dead!" There was a long pause, then Daddy says, "Wait, swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

Two cats are swimming across a river One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives? "One Two Three" because un deux trois cat sank Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

Two sperms swimming Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one sperm looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other sperm starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"

Swimming Cats There are 2 cats, an English cat and a French cat, in a contest to swim the English Channel. The English cat is called the one two three cat, and the French cat is called the un deux trois cat. who won? The English cat. The un deux trois quatre cinq.

So a fly is hovering 6 inches above a stream... So a fly is hovering 6 inches above a stream, and a fish swimming below thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches i can swim up and eat it,".Then the nearby bear thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches, then the fish will go for the fly and i can eat the fish,". Then the hunter in his boat thinks to himself, " If the fly drops 6 inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, and i can get a good shot at the bear,". Then the nearby mouse thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, and while he's distracted i can eat his crackers,". Then the hunters cat thinks to itself, "If the fly drops 6 inches, the fish will go for the fly, the bear will go for the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will eat the cracker, and i can pounce on the mouse. Finally lo and behold, the fly dropped 6 inches, so the fish ate the fly, so the bear ate the fish, so the hunter shot the bear, and the mouse at his crackers, but when the cat pounced on the mouse it missed and landed in the water. The morale: When a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet ___________________________________________________ so much buildup for a mediocre joke....I'm sorry

I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end... But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a swimming pool? By his name.

When an eel bites your thigh... ...as you're just swimming by that's a moray.

Why sharks circle before they attack... Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

What do you get if you cross a Fish and an Elephant? Swimming Trunks.

A guy at work calls his wife at home and an unfamiliar female voice answers the phone. The man asks, "Who is this?" "I am the maid." "Since when have we had a maid?" "I was hired by the woman of the house this morning." The man is surprised that his wife would hire a maid without consulting him first and then asks the maid if she could put his wife on the phone. "You're her husband? I thought she was married to the guy she's fucking in her room right now." The man is shocked and filled with anger at the thought of his wife having sex with another man. He speaks to the maid, "Do you want to make $1000?" The maid enthusiastically agrees and asks what she must do "Get my gun from the garage and go shoot that bitch and the bastard she's with!" The maid leaves the phone on the table and goes to do her task. The man hears screaming followed by two gunshots. A few moments later, the maid returns. "Sir, what should I do about their bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool behind the house." "What swimming pool?"

I've always dreamed of swimming in an ocean of orange soda Its a fanta-sea of mine

The old Man's Pond An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

What's blue and yellow at the bottom of a swimming pool? A bulldozer wearing a denim jacket

CPR?? Dave and Harry were swimming.They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia. Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??! Harry: You save the mother, I'll save the baby.

The mermaid joke The guy that has only one testicle was swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicle. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his ball. Then mermaid asks: plus 1 or minus 1? The shocked and scared guy says: plus 1. Tge mermaid lets him go and swims away. The guy comes out of the water and realizes he has 2 balls! He goes and tells the story to his friends. One of his friends has 2 missing fingers, so he desides to go to the pond the next morning and try his luck. He is swimming in the pond and all of a sudden someone grabs him from his testicles. He looks down and sees a mermaid is holding his balls. Then mermaid asks: plus 2 or minus 2? The happy guy responds: Plus 2! After coming out of the water he realizes that he has 4 testicles! He doesn't know what to do and after spending the whole night thinking comes up with a plan of going back the next morning and just answering minus 2 this time. So he's swimming in the pond and all of a sudden the mermaid grabs him by his balls and asks: plus 4 or minus 4? Edited: grammar

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners - Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. - Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!" - Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this." - Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh man, it's hot in here." The other shrieks, "OH MY GOD! A talking muffin!" - How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door and shove him in. - How do you get two giraffes in a refrigerator? Open the door, move the first giraffe over and shove him in. - How do you get a rhinoceros in the refrigerator? Open the door, take out the two giraffes and shove him in. - What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. - What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. - What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on your doorstep? Matt. - What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the swimming pool? Bob. - What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on the grill? Frank. - What do you call a woman with no arms or legs hanging on your door frame? Belle. - What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. - Simba is calling together a meeting of all the animals at Pride Rock. As he's taking role, he notices that everyone is present except one. Who's missing? The rhinoceros, he's still stuck in the refrigerator.

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the Bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

A man is thinking about joining a gym. He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities". The rep continues "Here are the treadmills which are all in use and there is the treadmill line". "Ok, ok" the man rushes "Can we get to the boxing stuff please?" The rep moves along, "Here is the bench press area which is quite popular and you can see the line to use it. Over here is the basketball courts which are always packed and over there is the basketball line". Continuing, the rep describes "the steamy hot tub and pool which are in high demand and over there is the swimming line". "OK OK!!" the man exclaims "I just want to punch the bags! Where is the line for that?" "Oh, but that's no fun", the rep answers. "Why not?" the man asks. "There isn't any punch line."

A whale of a tail... Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I am NOT swallowing the seamen!"

I dreamt that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda... But I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . . . . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool's bottom. That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel's elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life. When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, "That's not an aquarium...that's the swimming pool!"

What do you call a one-eyed circus clown with bad breath who lives in a yurt on the outskirts of town? I don't know either, but he needs to come get his unicycle out of the swimming pool.

On the night the titanic hit the iceberg... there is a magic show. And the magician calls up a volunteer from the audience and asks him for his watch. He takes the watch, puts it in a bag and smashes it to pieces, At that moment a Parrot in the audience calls out "It's in 'is pocket, it's in 'is pocket". The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician and finally the magician pulls the watch out of his pocket and hands it back to the man. The magician calls another volunteer from the audience and puts him a dissapearing box, he spins the box around and ta da the box is empty The parrot goes "he's out the back, the guy stepped out the back" The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician and finally the man sheepishly steps out from behind the box. At that moment, the Iceberg hits, the ship goes down, the Magician is swimming around and grabs a bit of flotsam and who's on the other end of the piece of wood but the Parrot. The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician, the magician looks at the parrot, for three days this goes on and finally the Parrot says "alright I give up what did you do with the Fuckin' ship!"

A dozen guys are changing in the golf club's locker room Suddenly, a cell phone starts ringing. One of the guys answers it. 'Hi!' 'Hi honey, it's me,' says a female voice. 'Are you still at the golf club?' 'Yeah.' 'Wonderful! I'm two streets away. I just saw this amazing Persian fur coat. It's truly marvelous. Can I buy it?' 'How much do they want for it?' '*Only* $1,000!' 'Well, go for it if you like it so much...' 'Oh honey, just five minutes ago I saw a splendid new Mercedes at the car shop. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me an excellent offer... and you know, we should really get rid of that BMW we bought last year...' 'How much do they want for it?' '*Only* $75,000!' 'Fine, but make sure you ask for all the extra accessories with this price.' 'Oh, sure honey! There's another thing though...' 'Yeah?' 'It may seem like a lot, but I checked our bank accounts and... This morning I stopped at that beautiful house they're selling that we liked so much... Do you remember? With the swimming pool, the gorgeous rockery, the huge 1ha garden, the view on the mountains...' 'How much do they want for it?' '*Only* $600,000! It's a great price and I know we have enough money in the bank...' 'Very well, go and buy it, but first try to haggle, say $500,000...' 'Ok honey, thanks. I'll see you in a bit. I love you!' The guy hangs up, lifts the cell phone in the air and asks the others: 'Does anyone know whose phone this is?'

I got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool earlier... The lifeguard shouted so loudly that I nearly fell in!

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we charge at them while half of our backs is showing and we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

3 Guys find a Genie in an Indoor swimming pool. Genie: "Okay, all of you will get on the springboard, say what they wish to be in the pool it will be in there." Max: "I want money!" And so he jumps in a pool of money. Peter: "I want Chocolate" and so he jumps into a pool of chocolate. Carl slips off the springboard and screams "SHIT!"

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One turns to the other and goes, "BWOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU." And the second one turns to the first and goes, "Dude, what the hell?"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked me to make a small donation to the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water

They say Titanic was shot in a swimming pool. So was The Great Gatsby.

I want Tampax! A little boy was asked by his mom what he would like for his birthday. He answered immediately: "I want Tampax!" The mother was shocked, then asked him why in the world he would want that for his birthday. "Because it says in the commercials that with Tampax you can go swimming, ride a horse, or go to a party any time you a want to.

Little jimmys mom told him that if he ever did a bad thing as punishment he would turn to stone.... One day jimmy went down to the pond with him friend Billy to fish when they saw a beautiful woman naked swimming in the pond the two kids watched in awe when suddenly jimmy ran away scarred Jimmy ran home to his mom crying saying "sorry I did a bad thing!" "What did you do asked jimmy's mom?" Jimmy wiped away a tear and said "I saw a naked lady in the pond and I got scarred because I started to feel like I was turning to stone so I ran."

A man knocked my door for some donation.. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. i gave him a glass of water.

A man calls his house and his young daughter answers the phone... "Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bob." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bob." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that daddy just drove into the driveway. "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened, honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Bob?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." After a long pause, The father says, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-1298?"

Ron, an elderly man in Florida... Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn't been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked." Rob held the bucket up high and said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Women are like a swimming pool... considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as he is OK. Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died." David: "Doctor, he didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

Alligator Shoes A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging. After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper replied, "Good luck! Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She lunges, wraps herself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up. Completely amazed, the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward the young lady. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, "Ugh! This one isn't wearing shoes either!!"

Dad told me this one several years ago A school teacher walks into her classroom full of students carrying two glasses - one full of water and one full of whiskey. Then she reaches into her desk and pulls out a container from the bait shop, pulls two worms out of the container, and drops one in each glass. She takes attendance, then turns the class' attention to the glasses. "Okay class", she says, holding up the glass of water. "What can you tell me about this worm in this glass of water?" Immediately, a few students raise their hands. She points at a boy in the front row. "The worm is swimming around in the glass," he replies, smiling proudly. "Very good," says the teacher, exchanging the glasses, then holding up the one with the whiskey in it. "Now what can you tell me about *this* worm?" The same boy pipes up again. "That worm isn't moving. I think its dead," he says. "That's right," says the teacher. "So what does that tell you about drinking whiskey?" At that moment , a boy from the middle of the classroom stands up, smiles, and says "If you drink whiskey, you'll never get worms!"

The Tale of Two Whales A guy and girl whale are swimming along, when the guy whale spots a ship on the horizon. He says to the girl whale, "Hey, I dare you to swim over to that boat and use your blowhole to flip it over." The girl whale swims over to the vessel and capsizes it in one go. She says to the guy whale, "That was too easy." The guy whale says, "Alright, I dare you to eat all of the sailors floating in the water." The girl whale responds with, "No! I agreed to the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."