50+ Surgeon Jokes

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.... A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

Four Surgeons Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

I respect sex change surgeons That job really does take balls!

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

"To think that such a disgusting lump of flesh nearly killed you," the surgeon mused, holding the extracted tumor above the patient's young body. "Now dispose of it," replied the tumor.

The surgeon told me to count backward from ten, and by the time I reached five, I realized they’d never given me anesthesia. They just wanted to hear what a person sounds like while being cut open.

"It brings me no pleasure to tell you that your husband is dead," the surgeon tells the crying woman. "The pleasure came from letting him die on the table," he thinks to himself.

"Don't worry" says the surgeon, "just count down from ten" You wake up in a car

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure," replied the vet, "Your duck is definitely dead." "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a healthy looking black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. It then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room, and returned a few minutes later with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a printout. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you our full fee," he said, "which includes the cost of a complete lab test and a cat scan." The vet took the paper, handed it to the woman and said, "The bill is $1500." "$1500!" the woman exclaimed in disbelief. "How much for the rest of the duck?"

A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop.... The cop asks him for his license and regristration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a finger in, then two, three, until you can get your whole hand in...then you do the other and slowly pull and work the rim until you can get a foot in for more leverage, then both feet and pull and stretch it until it's about 6'. The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The black man replies, "Give it a badge and a radar gun". Edit: Wow, who does number 2 in r/jokes work for!

[APR26] He embraced us one last time, sobbing "my big strong son's going to help the surgeon save lives, and my beautiful daughter's going to make a man very happy." I understood our dad was broke, but wished he'd given me to the organ harvesters like my brother; that way, my death would be quick.

It was only three times... promise. Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Smith came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 26 votes short..?"

Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded. The fourth surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The fourth surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable."

A black man is driving his Mercedes when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks him for his license and regristration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?" The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes." Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a finger in, then two, three, until you can get your whole hand in...then you do the other and slowly pull and work the rim until you can get a foot in for more leverage, then both feet and pull and stretch it until it's about 6'. The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The black man replies, "Give it a badge and a radar gun".

Standing naked before the mirror, I tapped the plastic surgeons business card on my palm and stared at my disgusting body as my husband watched silently behind me. “Janice,” he finally said with a weighty sigh, “we agreed with your psychologist; thirteen surgeries was already too much.”

During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation... ... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead. A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment. Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle. Instead of his lost arm, they gave him an arm from a gorilla. Instead of his lost penis, they gave him an elephant trunk. A month after surgery, he had a checkup to see if there was any rejection or whatnot. And since this was a medical science breakthough, there were a lot of interested doctors that had come to see what had happened. The surgeon who performed the transplant asked the man how his eye had worked? The man says "Oh, it's great! My vision has improved a lot. I can spot people miles away, and I find anything I'm looking for without any problems." "How has the gorilla arm woked for you?" "It's great! It really helps me at work lifting heavy things, and I am more popular; When the guys want to arm wrestle, I win every time, and it also seems to attract the ladies as well!" "Alright, how has the elephant trunk worked out for you then?" "Well, I don't want to complain or anything, but it keeps trying to stuff grass into my arse..." *ed: speling*

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... ... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'

She was the world’s first, and had a small poster showing her beside the surgeon. Every night she ‘turned her ears off’ and didn’t hear the fire alarm warning of the blaze rapidly spreading from its origin at the charger of her cochlear implants.

The wife and her husband... The wife and her husband sat in their trailer watching a cooking show on TV, as the wife notice a romantically involved couple next door through the window. The couple was lying down on a blanket, the girl nibbled the boys ear and he had his hand inside her T-shirt. You don’t need to be a brain surgeon to see where this would develop. «I can not decide whether I want to watch them or the TV», the wife jokingly said to her husband. «Watch them», the man replied dryly, «you already know how to cook».

"Listen to the Professionals" This one is admittedly long, true, and something I need to get off my chest... I was on TT starting to scroll through videos when I got hit with that song everyone puts in the background of their dead spouses/kids/grandmas, etc. - *If I would have known* It caused me to write this comment below, and eventual post on my TT, which will give context to this MC story (it's a little sappy, as I was feeling some type of way, so if you want to skip this the MC is less so): *In late July, 2001, my wife of four years, mother of my two sons, collapsed in front of me. "Oh My God OP I think I'm having a seizure!" Were her last words. She knew it was coming a second before, and the way her final syllable had an uptick and reverberated as she hit the ground echoes through my life, weaving in and out of remarriages, children's births, pill addictions, lawsuits and new houses, fights with my oldest child, and now here I am just staring off into the middle distance. I'm not having thoughts. They're having me, dancing around me, bullying me, inviting me over to the deep end. I just finished walking my 4th graders to the buses and I come back and open my phone to this: another reminder of the regrets I have. I signed that DNR without so much as batting an eye. I just went along with whatever they said. "Trust the professionals. Listen to the professionals". Nothing makes sense, man.* *Nothing.* *How am I with an amazing woman who is truly the love of my life, married her 21 years ago, always thinking of her and how thankful I am for such a strong, wise woman of God and mother to three of my five children, as she says she's a mother of five (totally right), feeling the joy that is being married to her while simultaneously feeling the pain of losing my first wife? It's like being stabbed at the same moment I'm at the height of pleasure. It's the only way I can describe it. And it still doesn't do it justice. It's not exacly simultaneously. It's more like a see saw. The first one is the joy, with the pain seeping in as I know that it's coming. RIP SJJ.* *And thank you GAJ for being such an amazing woman who I'm madly in love with. Every day excites me to be with you. The dichotomy would be difficult for anyone to understand, but here you are just going with the flow and loving me anyway. You deserve the very best of everything. All the time. All I can do is promise that no matter how broken I am, my pieces will come together beautifully just for you. For US.* Okay, now to the actual story: In 2001 my wife had a grand mol seizure while she was getting ready to go to her mom's. She knew it was happening as it started happening. She hit the ground pretty hard, and was seizing two feet away from our 11 month old son who was napping in his playpen. I also had my 3 year old with me. The ambulance came and got her. I told them what I told the 911 operator: she had a seizure. My mother in law came to our trailer in Glendale AZ to watch the kids while I drove to the hospital. When I got to the hospital she was being evaluated by the medical team there, and an ER physician decided to put her under for a CT (or MRI, or catscan, something medical). I had told them and especially the ER physician, that a) she had a seizure, b) she has a history of seizures, and c) she doesn't do drugs. Even when the tox screen for her came back clean, the ER physician said "there's some things that don't show up on the screening, so it still could be Serotonin Syndrome" I didn't know that serotonin syndrome was basically an overdose of medication or drugs or alcohol or a combination of. If so I would have fought harder against this argument at the time. The ER physician never popped in for more than a solid minute at a time, and very infrequently. Most of my concerns were heard by the team of nurses. One particular nurse who I'll call Jane, seemed very frustrated with my frustrations. Whatever she did, she did so in a huff. Everything seemed to bother this woman. But she was all I had. My only connection to the doctors, surgeons, whoever is going to work with my wife who was literally dying as I watched nurse huffington Jane her way around the hospital. I was desperate. I told her full details of our history, the fact that she had both of her children at this hospital, and when I found out that they fully suspected that my wife overdosed, I adamantly, vehemently denied this to her. That's when Jane said to me: "Hey! You need to stop worrying and just Listen to the Proffesionals okay?! Trust the Professionals!" She didn't yell it so much as snarked it. Her bedside manner was nonexistent. I felt horrible already not knowing what I can do, and she slaps this mood onto the whole room as she said this. That phrase reverberates to me, even now: "Listen to the Professionals". Okay, time for some MC She said to Listen to the Professionals. But what professionals? The ones who wouldn't listen to me when I s

Why do you make more money? A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A couple of years ago, a young businessman overdosed on coke. He rode his horse in front of a train, tried to stop the train and was ripped into pieces. The only thing left was the man's butt and the horses forelock. I patched him up and two weeks ago, this man was sworn in as President of the United States.

“Sorry if I’m not that good, it’s my first time.” The neurosurgeon told me before I was put under.

It was a very religious country, and she'd gone under anaesthesia and into the caesarean surgery under a cloud of shame because there was no man with her. Clutching her newborn close, she glimpsed something on the baby's leg, the surgeon's phone number in small, even handwriting and a message: 'single?'

A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension.. The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... discussing which people are their favorite to operate on. The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why. "Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabetical order." The other two slowly nod in agreement. "My favorite kind of patients are electricians," the second blurts out. "Why?" the others ask in tandem. "All of their innards are grouped together and color coded." All three nod before all eyes fall on the third surgeon. The third muses for a moment before he says, "Lawyers." "Lawyers?" the other two ask incredulously. "Yup, they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."

Three surgeons... ...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations. The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded." The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

A guy was hunting... .. when a very strong gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Mike. A small boy named Mike lived in a tiny Irish village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you're driving me crazy, Mike" ...One day, his mother went to check out how he was doing at school and the teacher told her honestly her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and that never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career... His mum simply could'nt accept such a feedback and she took her son out from that school. She even shifted to another city... 25 years later, that teacher got a cardiac disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice, she went for it, and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died... The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, til he turned back and saw our friend Mike working as a cleaner in that hospital who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner. If you were thinking that Mike became a doctor, you've been watching too many soap operas.

The Circumcision Surgeon A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leathersmith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon. The leathersmith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by... "What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist. "Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

A woman pregnant with triplets...... A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog..."

A woman is diagnosed with stage IV throat cancer. ^Ignore ^that ^the ^title ^says ^stage ^IV, ^it's ^stage ^III A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage III throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again. She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. "I want to do something for you," she whispers. "One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex." The husband is taken aback. "Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain... we don't have to do that." But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a "whole woman" before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light. The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area. The man's heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. "Is she... is she gone? Did I lose her?" "No, no," the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. "We didn't even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors... they're just gone. There isn't a single malignant cell left in her throat." The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman's throat. Though it's embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It's the only thing he can think of. A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. "Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure." The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. "We're going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn't nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the... direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured and this could save millions more in the future." The wife is besides herself with joy, clutching the husband's hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey. "Honey?" she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. "What is it? This is a miracle!". The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare. "My father called this morning... he was just diagnosed with Stage III rectal cancer."

A pirate walks into a bar… …and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Arrh!" says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them… arrgh, he, pooped in me eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!" "Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”

Born with no eyelids ( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news) Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids? No? It was pretty interesting. So, check it out, this group of missionaries was working in a rural part of some country in Asia, Thailand I think, and they found this baby that had been born with a congenital birth defect, he was born without eyelids. Yeah I know, it's pretty crazy. The country hospital they found him in was trying to keep him from going blind by dropping eyedrops into his eyes every few minutes. The missionaries felt horrible for the kid and his family, so they offered to adopt him, and after pulling a few strings they brought him to a children's hospital in Boston to see if he could be helped. So this awesome plastic surgeon there discovered that he could transplant the kids foreskin and create useable eyelids, and they saved the kids sight! Everything worked, the surgery was successful. Only problem now is that the kid is just a little bit cock-eyed.

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England. The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics. The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the Horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

My surgeon informed me that the reason I'm obnoxious is because of my funny bone. I said cut it out.

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Met a woman at the bar the other night She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon." Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed. Most women can't pull off sarcasm.

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed. He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery. It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him. The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe. After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant. The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

A guy goes hunting... A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. *"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.."* *"What's the bad news?"* asked the hunter. *"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.*" *"Well I guess that isn't too bad,"* the hunter replied. *"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"* *"Not exactly,"* answered the doctor. *"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.."*

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped.

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon... A woman goes to a plastic surgeon for a labiaplasty. She says " Doctor, I'm embarrassed by my pussy lips, so I don't want anyone to know about this". When she wakes up from surgery, there are 3 flowers by her bed. "Doctor, you said you wouldn't tell anyone. Why are there three flowers?" "One is from me, I give all of my patients flowers. One is from the nurse, who had a similar procedure. And one is from a man in the burn ward thanking you for his new ears."

Favorite Patient Five surgeons were talking about their favorite patients. The first surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered. "The second surgeon says, Nah, libraries are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order. "The third surgeon says, "You have to operate on electricians. Everything inside is color coded!" The fourth surgeon smirks and says, " I prefer lawyers, they're heartless, spineless, and gutless, and their heads and Butts are interchangeable." After quietly listening to the entire conversation, the fifth surgeon pipes up and says, "I like engineers because they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. "

2 surgeons are sitting down having lunch. They are both engaged in a conversation when all of a sudden, one of the surgeons starts laughing hysterically. A dermatologist walks over to their table to join them. He asked the surgeons, "what's so funny?" One of the surgeons replies, " you wouldn't understand. It's an inside joke. "

A heir is trying to pick the most suitable wife An heir to a fortune wanted to choose the best possible wife, so he gave three women fifty thousand each, saying he would marry the one who used the money best. The first went to a plastic surgeon to make herself more beautiful for him. The second learned all his favorite sports and bought all the equipment so they would have things to do together. The third was a businesswoman—she invested the money and brought back one hundred thousand. The man thought deeply, and then chose the one with the biggest boobs.

A Cardiologist's Funeral A great cardiologist is being buried. All of his colleagues and fellow surgeons are reunited to mourn his. All except for one man who is laughing. The cardiologist's coffin was in the shape of a heart to honor his career. The man continues to laugh. Finally they ask him why he is so happy at a funeral and he responds "I was picturing my funeral because I'm a gynecologist".

So we're telling our grandfathers jokes? Alright then. My grandfather was a doctor, so he had some fun ones. This was one of his favorite: A boy was born mostly healthy, but with a strange mutation that left him with no left eyelid. The doctors were a bit stunned at first, but called in a plastic surgeon to consult. They needed to figure out a way to protect and keep the eye moist, but how? Finally the surgeon proposed an unorthodox idea: he suggested that if they circumcised the boy, they could fashion the foreskin into a serviceable eyelid. The parents consented, and off they went to surgery. Two hours later, the plastic surgeon appeared, looking tired but fairly content. "How did it go?" the parents asked with concern. The surgeon replied, "Well, he's a bit cockeyed, but I don't think anyone will notice."

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted that position, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

No plastic surgeon will help me! I have really giant hands and I'd like to make them smaller, but every time I ask the doctor for a hand-job I get kicked out.

Cardiologist A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.

So a white man walks into a plastic surgeon's office... He tells the plastic surgeon, "I want to become a black man." The surgeon says "okay, but I will have to make your brain 30% smaller and your skin 80% darker. is that o.k?" The white guy says yes, and a few hours later, he goes into surgery. When he woke up, he was greeted by bad news. The surgeon says "Oh no! we accidentally made a mistake, and your brain is 80% smaller and your skin is 30% darker! We can give you a full refund, but I'm afraid the surgery is irreversible. Is that ok with you?" The guy replies, "si, gracias!" Credit to /u/LE_GAME who originally posted this on /r/ImGoingToHellForThis

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care: The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.' But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

The Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. There wasn't a dry eye in the audience. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted later, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist." Listening to this a Colo-Rectal surgeon fainted.

Sex after surgery... A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic. "So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.." "Yes?.." says the surgeon. "Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?" The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

There was once a young couple... Once there was a young couple who were very much in love.The girl became pregnant and gave birth to their first child. It was a difficult pregnancy and there were complications and surgery was required. When it was finished and the young woman came out of the recovery room, the surgeon met with the couple. "I have some good news and some bad news," The doctor said. "The good news is that you are the parents of a seven pound baby. The bad news, I'm afraid, is that there is an abnormality. Your baby is just a head. It was born without a torso. Well the young couple was very brave, and they took their baby home and they loved it, and cared for it, and played for it. And on the baby's twelfth birthday, the doctor called and said, "I have amazing news. A torso has been found that would be a perfect match for a head. Come in immediately for it's ready for a transplant." The couple was elated, not only by the news, but that this amazing stroke of fortune should fall on their son's birthday. They ran to his room. "Son!" The father exclaimed. "We have the best birthday present a boy like you could ever dream of!" "Oh yeah?" Said the kid, looking up from the floor. "Well it better not be another fucking hat!" This was a joke told by Johnny Carson, at Reagan's Inauguration, but I don't know if he wrote it.

My musculoskeletal surgeon from Athens exposed all my personal information online It was a Greek Orthodox

The circumcision surgeon... A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir. He takes his specimens to a leather-smith and asks him to make something out of them. A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" exclaims the surgeon. The leather smith replies, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a suitcase."

The power of right communication An elderly man was on the operation table awaiting a very life threatening complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law. 'Yes, Dad, What is it?' 'Dont be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesnt go well and something happens to me, your mother-in-law will come and live with you' The Surgery was a great success.

A man get caught by a cop at the end of a bridge... The cop ask the man: -Do you know how fast you were driving? What's the hurry? -I need to get to my job, I'm really needed there. -What are you, a surgeon? -No I'm an asshole stretcher, you see? -What on earth is an asshole stretcher, ask the cop. -Well, they give me a regular size asshole, then I stretch it again and again, until it reaches a size of around 6 feet. -What? And why do they need a 6' asshole for? -They give them a speed radar, and post them on bridges.

My favorite medical joke A lady in her 50s goes to see a plastic surgeon. "Doctor, I'd like to do something about these wrinkles on my face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you often." He says, "Sure, well we have this new device called 'The Knob.' Basically we just install this little knob at the back of your head and if you ever feel like you need a little tightening, you just give it a quarter turn." She thinks this sounds fantastic, has the procedure and goes on her way. 20 years later she comes back to the same doctor. "Doctor, this thing has been great but lately I've been noticing these bags under my eyes." "Well yes," he says, "that is a side effect we weren't expecting. Those aren't just bags under your eyes, those are your breasts." "Oh," she replies. "I guess that explains the goatee.

We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect. He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it. Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he asked, "Has the patient been circumcised yet?" Our doc replied that he hadn't, and the surgeon explained his plan. The NICU cut a short length of 5mm silicone tubing and placed it over the tip of our newborn's penis, then carefully stretched his little foreskin over the end of the tubing and taped it in place. After 12 hours they replaced it with 7.5mm tubing, then after 24 hours they replaced that with 10mm tubing. The next day the surgeon arrived. They wheeled our baby into surgery where he performed the circumcision and then immediately used the recovered, stretched tissue to replace the missing eyelids. Afterward, the surgeon explained to us that he's done this surgery only three times before but it was always successful, and since it used the baby's own tissue there was virtually no chance of rejection. We thanked the surgeon and asked if there were any side effects we should look out for. "Well," he said thoughtfully, "he'll probably be a little cockeyed."

A woman goes to a plastic surgeon, A woman goes to the plastic surgeon and she's very nervous. The surgeon says "Would you mind if I numb your breasts?" The woman meekly replies that that would be favourable. Surgeon says "Numnumnumnum!" - credit goes to Robin Williams in *Bicentennial Man*

Accident A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband: 'You're so sweet you did this for me, when we get home I will make sure you'll have the night of your life'. 'No need' the man says, 'It's thanks enough to know that every time your mother kisses you, she will be kissing my ass!'

Three surgeons are discussing who makes... ...the best patients to operate on: The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet. The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be $200.” The surgeon was astonished. He says, “I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.” The plumber says, “Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."

A neurosurgeon is preparing his patient for a brain transplant... He tells the patient: "Would you like a woman's brain or a man's brain?" "Why are there options?" the patient asks. "Well," replies the Surgeon, "the woman's brain is half the price of the man's! "Why is it half price?" asks the man. "Because it's used!"

Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work... The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangeable."

I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night... He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.

Three surgeons are discussing Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The 1st surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." The 2nd surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order". The 3rd surgeon shuts them all up when he says, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the rear end are interchangeable."

A man gets circumcised... After his surgery, he asks the surgeon, "How much should I pay you?" The surgeon replies, "Oh, you don't need to pay me anything, I do this sort of stuff for free." The man, confused, then asks, "How do you make a living?" The surgeon says, "I just collect the tips."

A man discovers some weird fuchsia spots on his penis after returning from a pleasure trip to Xinjiang. So he sees his doctor, who has no clue what it is and sends the guy to his medical school mentor. The old mentor pages through some of his dusty books and finally identifies the disorder as a rare, China-specific venereal disease, the only cure for which is castration. "This is bullshit!" shouts the man. "I want somebody else's opinion!" So he goes to be examined by the medical school's rare diseases expert, who concurs with his colleague, and recommends a surgeon friend and a counselor for the castration procedure. The patient, clearly in denial at this point, storms out and goes to a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, reasoning that if the disease is Chinese, it'll be cured with Chinese methods. The TCM doctor immediately identifies the spots. "And is it true what the doctors tell me? That the only treatment is castration?" "O, HAHAhuh, don't make me laugh. Did a Western doctor tell you that?" "Yeah," says the man, relieved for the first time in days. "Two of them actually." "It wouldn't surprise me. You know your Western doctors, if they're not trying to sell you a pill, they'll sell you a surgery. Always inventing problems to solve. But it won't be at all necessary." "Oh, thank god," exhales the man. "No, no. Hahaha. Just wait two weeks and it'll fall off all on it's own."

A dying man A man is driving to meet a friend at her house, a pretty girl whom he has a crush on. He plans to ask her on a date. He's having second thoughts and is beyond nervous. Suddenly, an 18-wheeler slams into the side of his car, totalling it and nearly killing him. Around the operating table, surgeons debate how they're going to save him. One suggests that his critical condition is a result of his organs being rearranged in the accident. "We have to put them back," he says. So the head surgeon quickly removes the dying man's intestines and stomach and works his way up. "I think I severed one of the intestines," he says to the others. "What?!" exclaims another. "The poor man, he was just on his way to ask a woman on a date." "Well," the first surgeon continues, "he has no guts, but his heart's in the right place."

A middle aged woman goes to a plastic surgeon.... And says, "Look, doc, I'm feeling a little saggy and wrinkly in the face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you, so give me something that lasts." The doctor says, "well you're in luck. There's a new product on the market called 'The Knob.' Basically, we install this small knob on the back of you head and if you ever want a little skin tightening, you just give it a quarter turn." The woman thinks this sounds great so she has the surgery. She shows up to the plastic surgeon's office 15 years later and says, "Hey, doc, this thing has been great but lately I've been noticing these bags under my eyes that won't go away." The surgeon says, "Yes that is a complication we didn't anticipate. Those aren't just bags under your eyes--those are your breasts." She sighs and says, "well I guess that explains the goatee."

A guy with a 40-inch dick...(from my middle school years) A guy with a 40-inch dick goes to a surgeon's cabinet to get his dick shortened, as he can't get laid because it scares women off. The surgeon accepts to perform the surgery, but he charges a lot because it's unusual. The man's broke, so he tries something else. He goes to see a voodoo witch, and asks her : "Is there a way I can get my dick to be smaller ?" "-Yes, she answers, you have to go to the forest and find a bird of Paradise. Then you have to ask him if he wants to have sex with you. Each time he'll say "no", your dick will lose ten inches !" He thanks the witch and gets on his way. He goes to the forest, finds a bird of Paradise, and asks him : "Do you want to have sex with me ?" "No", says the bird. And, indeed his dick shrank to 30 inches. But when he goes back home, he finds that women still find his dick too big. So he goes back to the forest, the bird is still at the same spot, and he asks him again : "Do you want to have sex with me ?" "No", the bird replies. The man is satisfied with his 20-inch penis, and goes home. Things get better with the ladies, but they are still a bit spooked by his long cock. "Ok, I'm gonna do it one last time", he thinks. Back to the forest, finds the bird, and asks him once more : "Wanna have sex with me ?" "-How many times do I have to tell you, the bird snaps, No ! No ! No!"

Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

Hand Surgery A man suffers a traumatic accident that requires the surgical reconstruction of both his hands. It takes multiple operations, but eventually his mangled digits resemble something human again, and he regains full use of all of his fingers. Thankful but somber, he asks the surgeon, "But doc, will I ever be able to play the piano?" "Sir, we hired the best team of hand surgeons available to put you back together. Yes, you'll be able to play the piano," the doctor replies. "Well that's great!" the man exclaims, "I never could, before!"

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office “Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”

The price they charge to repair. A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with it running."

I went to the dentist and as the anesthesia kicked in I said "Go easy on me, it's my first time." As I went under, the dentist picked up a scalpel and said, "Don't worry, it's also my first time." ^Stolen ^from ^a ^true ^story ^on ^an ^AskReddit ^thread. ^Edit: ^[Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3ovic6/what_would_be_a_funny_thing_to_say_to_a_surgeon/cw0vu29)

First Time A man is in an operating room for a hernia operation. The anesthesiologist starts counting him down from 10. He gets to 9, and the surgeon turns to the anesthesiologist and says, "Well, wish me luck, this is my first sex change operation!" Hours later, the man awakes in recovery with a complete panic, but he doesn't remember why. The surgeon comes in and explains it to him. True story...LOL!

I shot the dog... A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

There once were three girls who were ugly. So they decided to do something about it. They went to a plastic surgeon first to see what their options were. "It's hopeless, " he said," You guys are too ugly." "We're girls, " they said. "But...there is a way. There's a magic lake that can change your appearance to whomever or whatever you want to look like. All you have to do is jump and shout the name off of the bridge. But be careful because it only works once" So the girls went to the bridge. The first girl jumped and shouted, "Margot Robbie!" and came out looking like Margot Robbie. Excited, the second girl jumped immediately after and shouted "Scarlett Johansson!". She also came out looking like Scarlett Johansson. Now the third girl wasn't sure. She hated heights and she hated water and was too scared to jump. The second girl, thinking it would be for her own good, gave her a hard push from behind, surprising the nervous girl. "OH SHIT"

A surgeon goes to a bar every day... He always orders a fruit cocktail, whether it be strawberry or banana. Eventually, after drinking so many, he gets sick of them, and asks the bartender to surprise him with a new cocktail. The bartender decides to create a drink out of nuts, and gives it to the surgeon. The surgeon is amazed at how tasty it is, and asks the bartender, "This is delicious! What is it?" The bartender replies, "Hickory daiquiri, doc."

My surgeon friend that specialized in Augmentation Mammaplasty just died. I regret not being there the moment he took his last breast.

What did the surgeon say to his constipated patient? Cut that shit out!

An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed... And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.   "Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm giving each of you one billion dollars of my money to keep in trust until my funeral, at which time you will place the money in my casket before they close it."   His three friends agree, and they each leave with one billion dollars.   Three weeks later, the old man is dead, and the three friends show up at the cemetery for the funeral. The first friend, a dentist, stepped forward, dragging a suitcase full of money.   "I have a confession to make. I...used $10,000 of the money to get better equipment for my office, and $3000 more to fix all of my family's teeth."   The second friend, a surgeon, stepped forward with his suitcase in tow. "I too, have a confession to make." he said. "I used $50,000 to fund my clinic, and another $10,000 to give my wife the cosmetic surgeries she has always wanted."   The third man, a lawyer, simply stands there, growing more and more red in the face with anger. "YOU UNTRUSTWORTHY BASTARDS!" he yelled.   "I WROTE HIM A CHECK FOR THE FULL AMOUNT!"

Did you hear a bunch of surgeons are at the comedy club? It's open Mike night.

Well, today i had a brainfuck Guess i'm not a surgeon anymore

Doctors convention. There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room. ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty? Faith lifts

The Great Jamboni The great Jamboni, eccentric human cannonball known for taking his lucky donkey to all his performances, escaped near tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as Jamboni was taking off. It took the surgeons three hours to remove Jamboni’s head from his ass

A dirty joke I heard from my mother! A man from the IRS walks into a hospital to audit the medical supplies The man says to the head surgeon, "What do you do with all the extra bandages?". The doctor replies, "We save them up and at the end of the year we send them to the supply company and they send us a new box" The man asks, "What do you do with extra syringes?" The doctor replies, "We save them up and at the end of the year we send them back to the supply company and they send us a new box." The man asks, "What do you do with all the foreskin from the circumcisions you perform?" The doctor responds, "Well, we save them up and at the end of the year we send them to the IRS and a dick like you shows up!" I hope you enjoyed this dirty joke my mother told me!

How do you starve a neurosurgeon? Hide his paycheck with his kids.

Once upon a time Once upon a time ..a small boy named Peter lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy, Peter"... One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career... The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ... 25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform.. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ... when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling at her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died... The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw Peter working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner...... If you were thinking that Peter became a doctor, it's because you have been watching too many Indian movies, serials or have read too many motivational fowarded messages... Peter is Peter .

A sexually active, middle-aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years, they had become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him : "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. Wait for it…….. "That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."