50+ Soldier Jokes

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either...

A soldier ran up to a nun A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.

Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished… ok Most of these events happened years ago. A few of the details I only found out about recently. So there was a soldier we’ll call ‘Jo’. Jo and I were in the Army together. Jo was late for formation and unfortunately, other people had been late earlier that month so the chain of command was looking for someone to make an example of. Our Sergeant Major always said, “Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished”. SGM would go on about even if other people didn’t get caught or punished if you got caught you should be punished and eventually it would catch up with the other people… He would tell us this in formation all the time. So Jo ends up with extra duty and looses about $2,000 in pay. What I only found out recently and thought was karma turned out to be Jo’s malicious compliance. Turns out the Sergeant Major was having an affair with a woman in town who just so happened to be Jo’s cousin. Jo’s cousin sends Jo incriminating texts and pictures and Jo sends them to the Sergeant Major’s chain of command and wife. Adultery being a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Sergeant Major was forced to retire, career ENDED, finical loss projected at approximately half a million in retirement to the ex-wife. But in the end Jo followed Sergeant Major’s direction that, “Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished”.

An Englishman, an American and an Arab meet in a bar and quickly start talking about sex... ...specifically, what the most effective aphrodisiac is. The Englishman says, “There’s no doubt in my mind, my friends, that alcohol is a true love potion. Get a young filly a little tipsy and, my word, she’ll surrender her honour faster than a French soldier!” The American shakes his head: “No way, buddy. I love me some booze and it sure gets ‘em horny - but” - looking around, and whispering - “if you really want a guaranteed wet’n’wild ride, just give ‘er some cocaine. Nothin’ - and I mean *nothin’* - gets ‘em going like coke. My, my; boys, I tell you, one sniff o’ the ol’ devil dust and she’ll be yours.” The Arab smiles, sips his whiskey, and shakes his head in turn. “Gentlemen, I am afraid you are both quite incorrect. I assure you, the greatest aphrodisiac is cannabis: in my country, after a woman gets stoned, you can fuck her any and every way you like....”

What do you get when you google how soldiers march? Information.

A lone Mongol warrior shouts to Chinese army "Send your men! I'm alone!"... A lone Mongol warrior stands on top of a mountain and shouts down to the Chinese army below: “Send your men! I’m alone!” The Chinese general sends 1,000 soldiers up the mountain. There’s the sound of swords clashing, men screaming… then silence. No one returns. The Mongol appears again and yells: “Send more! I’m still alone!” Another 1,000 soldiers go up. More chaos, more noise… then silence again. The Mongol shouts a third time: “Come on! I’m still alone!” This time, furious, the general sends 2,000 of his best men. The mountain erupts in the sounds of a huge battle. Finally, it goes quiet. A single wounded Chinese soldier crawls back down and whispers: “He lied… there were TWO of them.”

The boy could not free himself of his captors grip, terrified and unable to understand her as she smushed him in a hug. She knew, yet kept talking, making sure “mein Sohn” was loud enough for the passing soldiers to hear.

"You can't do that work any more, because it's not your trained specialty..." When I was in the military, my military occupational specialty (MOS) was power generation equipment repair -- or generator mechanic for all the civilians. I was trained on the mostly 5kW and 10kW generators, but when I get to my permanent duty station, they only had a few scrawny 1.5kW and 3kW generators that we occasionally used in the field. Once our motorpool captain found out that I was computer savvy, he had me in the office doing reports and memos and other computer related work. After a while, they even sent me away with another sergeant for a week of training to manage a new application to track vehicle repair work in the motorpool. Things were good for a year or so, and then we had a change of leadership in the motorpool, including me losing my immediate boss (the sergeant who had trained with me). The Sergeant First Class (Big Sarge) was known for doing shady stuff, and they wanted me to be comfortable with a lot less accuracy on reporting through the computer system. I didn't feel like being setup to be the scapegoat for the nonsense I knew they were doing. Due to my lack of cooperation, Big Sarge took me away from that work, and put me back on generator duty, **"because that's your MOS."** Even when we had nothing going on with generators on a regular basis, that's all they had me working on each day. Well, things were fine with the computer stuff for almost two months, until it came time to do all the end of quarter reporting. And none of these dummies in the new clique had ever been trained on the system. So, they fumble around for two or three days, and then Big Sarge tells me right at the end of a motorpool formation that I need to go and help them run the reports -- while we are still in formation. Me: *"I don't know how to do that, Sergeant!"* Him: *"What do you mean? Of course you do!"* Me: *"It's not my MOS, Sergeant!"* Him: *"Drop!! Give me 50, soldier!"* He dismissed everyone else and left me out there until I did the pushups. He was heated, but didn't say anything else to me that day. The next day, he called me aside, privately, and asked if I could *please* help them out. "Sure," I said. He treated me a whole lot better at that point, and I did run the reports they needed. Totally unrelated to this incident, I was transferred to HQ company about 3 months later, and then all his guys had to report to me for these motorpool reports. That was a whole other barrel of laughs, and Sarge always swore I somehow orchestrated that, when I have absolutely zero power, clout or influence to make any such thing happen. But his boys were unable to get away with anything any more, once I was in charge of consolidating the motorpool reports for the whole battalion.

"Close your eyes, Alice..." I said, holding the little girl as the soldiers pointed their guns at us. My eyes took on an infrared glow, "There's a 72% chance of mental trauma if you see what I do to these people."

Marines Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted of eating his wife. The soldiers arrested him and brought him before Caesar. "Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caesar asked. The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy. Caesar was shocked. He told the guards, "To commit such an act is bad enough, but to be happy about it? As a punishment, keep him in chains, and every day make him fight armed opponents, using only the minimum of weapons! Report back to me in a week, we'll see if he's still smiling." The guards dragged the man off. He was still smiling. As they were commanded, each day they made the prisoner fight. On the first day, armed with only a net and a stick, he fought an opponent with a spear. The next day, with only a small rope, he fought two swordsmen. And so on, he was forced to fight every day. At the end of the week, the prisoner was in a real sorry state. He could barely blink, let alone smile.  The head guard came to Caesar. "Oh, Caesar, I  have come to report on the prisoner. We made him fight each day, using the most basic weapons, like a, er, you know, whaddaya call it?" "Gladiator?" said Caesar. The guard snickered, "No, he actually quite regrets it now."

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the toughest soldiers around and decides to check them out. After reviewing the troops on parade he visits the medical tent to meet the soldiers. The general barks at the first soldier, "Why are you here, soldier?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir!" "And how are you treating that?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To kill the enemy Sir!" Impressed, the general asks the next soldier, "Why are you here?" "Genital warts, Sir!" "And how are you treating it?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To kill the enemy, Sir!" Once again the general is impressed and moves on to the last soldier. "And why are you here?" "Gum disease, Sir!" "And how are you treating it?" "Wire brush and disinfectant, Sir!" "And what's your goal in life?" "To beat those other two to the fucking wire brush, Sir!"

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation... ..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"*Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!*" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"*No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!*" - answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "*Wait...where are your balls*?!" -"*I lost them in Vietnam*"

One last blow job Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fine, I'll find some one who will." He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into a another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them. Once again bullets flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers. "What the hell happened to you!?" The soldiers ask. "Fellas you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!!" One of the soldiers asks, "Well did you get your blow job then?" "No, I couldn't find her head!"

Back during the Cold War, Heinrich, who was just drafted into the West German Army, asked his superior Major Schmitt for a three day pass. The major says, "Are you crazy? You just got here last week and you're wanting a three day pass? Those aren't just given out to anyone. They must be earned!" So Heinrich left dejected but comes back a day later driving a brand new Soviet tank! Major Schmitt was very impressed, he said, "For that act of bravery you are getting your three day pass. By the way, how did you do this by yourself?" "Well", said Heinrich, "I jumped into one of our tanks and drove to the East German border. When I got there, I saw an East German soldier sitting alone in this tank. I waved a white flag. He waved a white flag. We met right at the border and I asked him 'Do you want to get a three day pass?'. He said, 'sure' so we swapped tanks!"

So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers... A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The American squad leader turns to the British officer and says, "My Marines are so much braver than your SAS." "I doubt that very much," says the SAS officer. "They are much braver," says the American. "Watch this." The American squad leader turns to one of his Marines and shouts, "SERGEANT!! Climb to the very top of that building and jump off." "SIR, YES SIR," shouts the sergeant. The sergeant runs inside the building, runs to top and, without a second's thought, jumps off the top of the building and smashes into the ground. He survives but is very badly injured and gets taken away on a stretcher. The American leader turns to the SAS officer and says, "Now that's bravery." "Yeah? Well watch this," says the British officer. He turns to his men and bellows at the top of his voice, "YOU, PRIVATE, CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THAT BUILDING AND JUMP OFF." The private looks at the officer and says, "Sir, GO FUCK YOURSELF, Sir." The Officer turns around to the American and says, "Now THAT'S fucking bravery."

One American Soldier My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home: One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier. "One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!" The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes quiet... "One American soldier can take out 100 Iraqi soldiers!" The Iraqi general is rightfully impressed, so he laughs and sends 100 of his soldiers over the hill to finish the job. A large battle is heard over the hill that lasts much longer than the previous fight. Finally, everything calms down... "One American soldier can take out 1000 Iraqi soldiers!" The Iraqi general is furious, and sends over 1000 of his best soldiers. A massive and lengthy battle takes place over the hill. During the fight, a wounded Iraqi soldier comes crawling back over the hill toward the general. "Sir! Do not send any more men! It's a trap! THERE'S TWO OF THEM!!"

Grammar Nazi. "Sir, we are mining too many useless cores" [Hitler rubs chin] "So, mine less. [Grammar Nazi bursts through the door] "MINE FEWER!" [Hitler looks up] "Yes, soldier?"

Ten solders Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. Nine of the soldiers are laughing their butts off except for one of them, so they tell the thief, "Sorry, you were funny but not all of us laughed so we have to kill you", and they kill him. The second thief isn't as funny plus now he's nervous so he tells a very boring story. Now nine of the soldiers aren't laughing except for the one who didn't laugh before, so they kill the second thief as well. After killing him the soldiers ask their friend, "Why did you laugh when it was a boring story but not when it was actually funny?", "Oh," he said, "when the second guy was talking, I understood what the first guy said, and it was damn funny" ^sorry ^for ^the ^bad ^english edit: Changed solders to soldiers (thanks /u/Clutz)

Why the hell did they name them 'Soldier ants' and not 'Combatants'?

A soldier ran up to a nun A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq . The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!

Confucius say: Nazi soldier who popular with ladies may be Hungaryan.

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans

I drew my gun as fast as possible and shot at the wave of enemy soldiers, praying I could hold them off on my own. When I came back to my senses, I saw my nephew's blood-spattered birthday party, the TV still loudly playing Call Of Duty though the players no longer moved.

A General wants to reserve a Jeep from the motor pool. A general wants to reserve a jeep from the motor pool. His assistant is out so he makes the call himself. "Motor pool" "Hello, yes, I'd like to reserve a jeep for General Franklin" "Well it better be a big jeep if fatass Franklin wants to go for a ride in it." The General is furious over the insult. "SON! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE ADRESSING?" "No" replies the motor pool attendant "THIS IS GENERAL FRANKLIN!" "Well General, do you know who you are adressing?" "NO! WHO?" the geneal screams. "Bye fatass..." and the soldier hangs up the phone.

The Nun A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?" The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!" The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face. The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved." The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead." The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me." The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

Yes, General, No, General When I was a trooper, many, many years ago when you were on guard duty at the camp's main gate every person had to be challenged and show their ID. EVERY ONE. In fact this meant that field officers and generals would drive up and expect the pole to be raised so they didn't even have to slow down. One guy in our platoon was Trooper Koos Coetzee (care to guess which country?). Koos took life in the army very seriously indeed and followed orders to the letter. Which meant that sensible sergeants never put him on watchhouse duty - until the new guy showed up, demanding Koos do 'his share' on the day the big passing out parade was held. You can see where this is going can't you? However as the Briagadier-General swept up to the post and Koos stopped him, demanding to see his papers he shocked us all, complimenting Koos on strict attention to detail and being a 'conscientious chap'. Luckiest soldier I ever met, Koos.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles... "Peter, Peter!" Jesus cries. Peter, down at the bottom of the Calvary hill, hears his lord's call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he's spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter's left arm off and kicks him back down the hill. Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening "Peter, Peter." Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter's other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lays, bleeding out, when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again. "Peter... Peter" Jesus beckons. Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn't notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross a third soldier draws his sword and cuts off Peter's left leg and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time. Now just a whisper, Jesus calls "Peter..... Peter...." Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his lord "my lord Jesus, Why dost thou beckon me?" Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says "Peter, Peter... I can see your house from up here."

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician. The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death. The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious. The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan. After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant. "Private, how is everything?" he asks. "It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women?" The Staff Sergeant motions towards the south end of the base and says "The boys have some camels tied up over there. No one's gonna judge you out here, son." The Private shook his head in disgust, telling himself he would never stoop that low. A few weeks later, the Private is pent up. He needs release. He finally decides to join the club, so early one morning he gets up, walks over to the camels, and unties one. He begins pumping away at the camel from behind, when the Staff Sergeant and the Major discover him. "Private, just what in the fuck do you think you're doing?!" the Staff Sergeant asks. "But, you said.." the Private stammers, still inside the camel. "You said the boys have these camels tied up!" "You idiot," the Sergeant says. "The boys ride the camels into town to hire a prostitute."

How do you stop a North Korean tank? Shoot the soldier pushing it.

I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier but it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

Two soldiers are in a tank… …one turns to the other and says, "blubblublbublub".

Two soldiers are walking through the desert... And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?" Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

Camouflage training The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning." "Thank you very much, sir."

What did the soldier shout when he found out his girlfriend had an STD? Fire in the hole.

What do you call a soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray attacks? A seasoned veteran.

Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup

What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.

There was a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's now a seasoned veteran.

The army had to fire three of their generals.. They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said: "You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another" The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said "Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand." they paid the general and went on to the next. The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said "Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes" he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general. They got to the final general, who promptly said "I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut" The soldier with the measuring tape didn't understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said "Sir, i don't understand. I can only see your right nut" The general said with a big smile on his face: "I know, i lost my left nut in 'nam"

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet. I defeated him.

Military joke A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed? A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry

What do you call it when ISIS soldiers run for cover? 100 meter Daesh

Why did the Romans pay their soldiers in salt? So they would end up with seasoned veterans.

What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die? **Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman get captured fighting abroad And the leader of the captors announces 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn, the Englishman first, then the Irishman, the Welshman and lastly the Scotsman. But first, you each can make a final request, seeing as you all hail from honourable nations.' The Englishman responds with a hand on his chest, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one last time to remind me of the old country, played by the London Symphony Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, kissing his clover picked from County Cork, 'I'd like to hear "The Soldiers' Song" just one last time to remind me of the old country, sung by a strapping Irish Girl, with Irish dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, clasping his daffodil pinned to his jacket, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the old country, sung as if by the Tom Jones.' Moving lastly to the Scot, the captor asks his last request as well. The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

A joke from WWII A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier: "How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?" "Half a million within two days." "And if we invade with a million troops?" "We shoot twice and go home."

The wire brush One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English: During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed. "What's wrong with you, son?" "Gonorrhea, Sir!" "What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?" "The wire brush, Sir!" "What is your fondest desire?" "To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!" The general then turns to another soldier. "What's wrong with you, son?" "Hemorrhoids, Sir!" "What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?" "The wire brush, Sir!" "What is your fondest desire?" "To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!" The general then turns to a third soldier. "What's wrong with you, son?" (softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!" "What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?" (softly) "The wire brush, Sir!" "I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?" (softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."

One soldier. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill sergeant?"

Camouflage training "Soldier!" "Yes, sergeant!" "I haven't seen you at camouflage training today!" "Thank you, sergeant!"

A Bulgarian, French and US soldier died and went to hell. The devil was in a good mood so he offered them a deal: > I have two simple task for you. If you pass them I will let you go to heaven, if not - eternal damnation. Having no other option, the soldiers agreed. > For the first task go away and bring back the weapon you defended your country with. So the soldiers did. The Bulgarian came back with a small gun and the French with a bazooka. > For the second task - shove them up your as and fire them once. The Bulgarian shoved the little gun up his backside, pulled the trigger and instantly was granted wings and ascended to heaven. Seeing this, the Frenchman started pushing the bazooka in. As the devil watched, he saw that the soldier will push-cry-laugh, push-cry-laugh... > Why are you crying? Asked the devil. > I'm in pain. > Then, why are you laughing? > Oh, don't mind me... The American is bringing a tank.

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.” General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“ Obama: “No I am not.” General: “Tanks, Obama.”

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.... But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

vintage Bush joke Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Why are soldiers always so tired on April 1st? Because they have just finished a 31 day March.

At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson The next day, the teacher asks: 'So, what's your story Timmy?' 'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.' 'And what's the moral of this story?' 'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket.' 'Very good. And what about you, Megan?' 'This one time when we were taking milk to the neigbouring town the donkey stumbled and all the milk spilled.' 'And what's the moral of the story?' 'That you shouldn't put all your milk in one bottle.' 'Very good. And you, Johnny, what's your story?' 'Well, my uncle was a soldier during the Vietnam War. One time, they shot his helicopter down. All he had was a gun, a knife and a bottle of whisky. While he was falling down, he drank all the whisky so it wouldn't go to waste. Once he reached the ground, he saw 100 soldiers of the Viet Cong around him. He killed 50 with his gun, but he didn't have any ammo left after that. Then, he killed 30 with his knife, but then the knife's edge got blunt. So he killed the remaining 20 with his bare hands.' 'Oh dear God! And what's the moral of this horrifying story?' 'What do y'think? Don't fuck around with Uncle Bobby when's he's drunk!'

Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes. * Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm. * Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already rape by soldier. * Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, “Why so long face?” Latvian say, “I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby. “ * Three Latvian are brag about sons. “My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as want,” say first Latvian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Latvian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad. * Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato? * Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food. * Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.

Wilson's nails Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'. Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.

A large group of Taliban soldiers in Afghanistan are moving down a road when they hear a Voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Newfoundlander soldier is better than ten Taliban". The Taliban commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Newfoundlander is better than one hundred Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence. The Newfoundlander calls out again: "One Newfoundlander is better than one thousand Taliban." The enraged Taliban commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought .... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's A trap. There's two of them!

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police He's now a seasoned veteran.

So a little old Polish lady lives on the German/Russian border in the 19th century... After a whole lot of war happens one day, there's a knock on her door. She opens the door and a Russian soldier is standing there. He says "After many battles we would like to welcome you back as a citizen of mother Russia." The old lady bows and nods and gets back to her housework. A year later there's fighting noises outside her door again. When the noises cease a German soldier knocks at her door. "We would like to welcome you back as a citizen of Germany" he says. She nods and smiles and goes back to her housework. Another year passes... More fighting is heard outside the old Polish lady's door. Finally, a young Russian soldier comes to welcome her back into the Russian empire. She just nods and goes back to housework. 20 years pass. Once again the old Polish lady hears gun fire and bombs outside her house. When the sounds finally subside a young German soldier welcomes her back to the German empire. She promptly says "Thank God. I couldn't stand another Russian winter."

One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease. "Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-dogs are likely too stupid to count zat high. So instead, one person vill say 'tick,' and the next vill say 'tock.' Is zis clear?" The prisoners nodded, begrudgingly. And the warden started pointing at each one in turn. "Tick," said the first prisoner. "Tock," said the second. "Tick." "Tock." "Tick." "TICK!" The warden glared at the defiant prisoner, who had a huge grin on his face. The warden shouted at all of them, "START OVER!" And so they did, but again, the sixth prisoner 'Tick'ed. The warden, still glaring, strode over to the troublemaker. "Ve can do zis ze easy vay," said the warden, "or ze hard vay. Ve haf vays of making you 'Tock.'"

When I got depressed, I joined the Army. I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!" —Henny Youngman

I put army men in my mug before I go to sleep Because the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1 Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive". A German soldier called out, "Hey, Luigi!". An Italian soldier stuck his head out and replied, "Ya?" BANG! This went on for a while. "Hey, Luigi!" "Ya?" BANG! It wasn't too long until the Italians figured out what was going on. One of their officers came up with an idea. He said that a lot of Germans were named Hans, and all they had to do was call out "Hey, Hans!" and they'd be shooting Germans, too. It seemed like a good plan so first thing next morning they tried it out. "Hey, Hans!" "That you, Luigi?" "Ya!" BANG!

Russians are going to war with germans So russia declares war to germany... they plan out an attack... the soldiers start getting ready the day before.... and get thinking "Most of us will probably die tomorrow... we should get drunk". And so they do... they get completely wasted, sell all their tanks for more vodka, sell their guns, grenades EVERYTHING..... wake up the next morning hungover as fuck... but you still gotta go to war... and so they go out with no weapons... walking through a forest one of them gets the idea "Hey lets grab some sticks and at least pretend they're real guns"... Well what have they got to lose - they do it. A few minutes later they see a german in a tree... one of the soldiers points the stick and goes "BAM BAM"... waits a second and goes "Fall to the ground, I shot you"... the german looks at him, also hungover as fuck "Fuck you I'm in a tank"

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse. Captain: What’s that horse for? Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex. Captain: Oh! all right. One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain done with the horse, looks at his soldier Captain: It’s so hard! How do you do it? Soldier: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are. Captain: ...

What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher? As a soldier, it is your job to kill people. As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.

A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence" says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

I met a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray. Crazy conversations, he was definitely a seasoned veteran.

A North Korean soldier runs across the DMZ and yells to the US Army "Kim Jong Un is an idiot!" and gets thrown in a labor camp for 16 years by the government. 1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and the other 15 for revealing a state secret.

Misunderstanding A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse. Captain: what’s that horse for? Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex. Captain: ah, ok. One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. When the captain done with the horse, he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent. Captain: it’s so hard! How do you do it? Soldier: we ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are

Translated Slovakian joke A guerilla fighter is caught by the Nazis during the uprising and is being interrogated. In his defence he says: "look my Grandpa was a great fighter, he shot 46 Soviet soldiers, so dont kill me please!" The Nazi guard asks him: "How do you know they were Soviet soldiers?" "Well, they all had SS on their helmets!"

A joke that I heard from a German Friend. In World War 1 there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. Until one day an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explains his plan to his trench mates, and they figured 'why not?' its not like they have any better ideas. The next day an american soldier calls out, "Hans!?" A German pops up and shouts back, "Ja?!" *Boom* The German is shot dead. The next day another shout from the Americans, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continues over the next couple of days. The Germans are losing large numbers, and are now finally catching on. The Germans have an emergency meeting, Maybe they can come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. So, a German asks "What ist a Popular Amerikan Name?" "John!" replied another. The next day the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouts, "John!?" An American calls back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray He was a seasoned Veteran

A quote from a WWII veteran... If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react. If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British. If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German. If they try running away they're Italian. If they throw their guns on the ground and surrender they're French. If nothing happens at first but five minutes later the area you shot the bullet from is bombarded with airstrikes and mortars they're American.

What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and mustard gas? A seasoned veteran

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".

Guy joins the Army... ... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!" Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him. Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"

What do you call a squadron of baby soldiers? Infantry.

A mother walks in on her son playing with his privates... "You really like those new toy soldiers, don't you?"

Wartime injuries (NSFW) A general is visiting troops in the hospital during wartime. He walks up to the first bed and asks the soldier what he is in for. The soldier replies, "Chronic gonorrhea, sir." The general asks how he is treating it. The soldier replies, "15 minutes a day with a wire brush, sir." The general asks what his goal is. The soldier says, "To get back on the front line, sir." The general moves on to the next soldier and asks him what he is in for. The soldier says, "Severe anal polyps, sir." The general asks how he is treating it. The soldier says, "15 minutes a day with the wire brush, sir." The general then asks what his goal is. The soldier replies, "To get back to the front line, sir." The general moves on to the the third soldier and asks him what he's in for. The soldier says, "Chronic gum disease, sir." The general asks how they are treating it. The soldier says, "15 minutes a day with the wire brush, sir." The general asks what his goal is. The soldier sighs and says, "To get that fucking brush before those first two guys, sir."

After years in the Military After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?" ..."I'll explain later." The nun nods in agreement. A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask: "Sister, have you seen a soldier here?" The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..." The nun nods and smiles. The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

Fatherhood A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.

Patriotism A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital. "How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said. The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind." "Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said. The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag. "Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance and says: "Look Peter, I can see your house from up here!"

Bang Bang There was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle. "That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the enemies, and go 'Bang Bang'." "But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young recruit. The sergeant tapes a stick to the handle end of the broom. "Here, use this. Just go, 'Stab Stab'." The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his stick. Suddenly, a soldier charges at him. The recruit points the stick. "Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead. More enemies appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bang Bang! Bang Bang!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens! Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bang Bang!" shouts the recruit. The enemy soldier keeps coming. "Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bang Bang! Stab Stab!" It's no use. The enemy keeps coming! He stomps the recruit into the ground. As the recruit lays there dying he hears the soldier saying "Tank Tank. Tank Tank."

Grammar Nazi vs. Hitler Soldier:"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores." Hitler:"So mine less!" [Grammar Nazi busts in] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?"

A soldier with needs A soldier has been deployed overseas almost a year ago. He's a single guy and, well after all this time, is starting to have certain sexual needs. They are in a place that is a bit far from civilization so it's kind of hard to meet women. He mentions this to his superior: ''Sir, I've been here for almost one year and, well, I feel I have some needs, if you know what I mean...'' ''Well, there is the camel over there in the shelter, you could...'' ''Eww, no! Thats disgusting!'' The soldier, after being proposed this, decides to wait, he was kind of turned off anyways. After 3 months or so, he feels his need resurfacing and goes to see his superior again: ''Sir, the need are coming back, don't you have any other suggestions?'' ''Well, the camel is...'' ''No way!'' and he storms out. After another 2 months, he goes to see his superior again and once again, asks his about what he could to to satisfy his needs. ''The camel is available if you...'' The soldier just leaves, a bit disgusted but finally realizing that there aren't many possible solutions. He peeks into the shelter and sees the camel. Taking a deep breath, he says ''Fuck it, I've got needs, I have to do this''. So he starts doing his thing. After about 2 or 3 minutes, his superior walks in on him and, startled, yells: ''What the hell are you doing?!? The camel is to go to the village, you idiot!!''