50+ Snake Jokes

I used to smoke pot and go to class. Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to god nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever. Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnake

Batman is built on the unbelievable premise that a human being could train themselves to peak physical perfection without giving a shit about Instagram. Nathan Anderson: @NathanTheSnake

I read a post on the internet about a guy who overcame depression, then went on to beat Dark Souls using only a dance pad controller. Far be it from me to criticize anyone's personal journey - But overcoming depression is by far the easiest part of that process. Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnake

Libertarians are the smartest people ever. Until they keep talking. Every conversation goes like this: "We should stay out of Syria!" Sounds reasonable. "Legalize marijuana and gay marriage!" I totally agree. "Every child has the right to work in a factory!" Wait, what? "Do you want Uncle Sam reading your email?!" Hell no! "Then who is he to tell you what is and isn't flammable?!" Nathan Anderson @NathanTheSnake Photo: KL Thomas

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous? Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all *Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified* Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is (I'm so sorry)

What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

The world's toughest cowboy. Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales commences. The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

My stepmother locked me up in my bedroom for a week, because she hated the fact that I shaved my head on a daily basis as she thought it was very unladylike I now carefully step around my stepmother's lifelike statue that was blocking the door, and prepare to shave off the tiny snakes that were crawling around the top of my head

What do you call a snake that’s 3.14 meters long? A long fucking snake

A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff Baa-Dumm-Tsss

[NSFW] What do snakes and condoms have in common? I don't fuck with either of them.

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff ba-dumm-tss

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror... The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!"

A couple of dude friends are walking in the woods when they encounter a venomous snake The snake feels threatened and bites one of the friends on the penis Both panicking, the friend who got bit says “do something!” So the other friend decides to call his doctor. He says “hey doc, my friend got bit by a venomous snake and I don’t know what to do!” The doctor says “you do the same thing with any venomous bite, you have to suck the poison out.” The friend that got bitten looks at his friend and says. “Well, what do we do?” The friend hangs up and says “he says you’re gonna die”

Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles... "Peter, Peter!" Jesus cries. Peter, down at the bottom of the Calvary hill, hears his lord's call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he's spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter's left arm off and kicks him back down the hill. Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening "Peter, Peter." Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter's other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lays, bleeding out, when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again. "Peter... Peter" Jesus beckons. Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn't notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross a third soldier draws his sword and cuts off Peter's left leg and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time. Now just a whisper, Jesus calls "Peter..... Peter...." Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his lord "my lord Jesus, Why dost thou beckon me?" Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says "Peter, Peter... I can see your house from up here."

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss

Is a snake that's exactly 3.14 metres in length considered a πthon?

What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? "Everyone got seat belts on back there?"

My pet snake just lays around and won't move I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves... So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A snake walks into a bar And the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A πthon

Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island... ...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray every Sunday. But after a little while, everyone gets, well, restless. To be blunt, they're all horny and have no sexual outlets. Being devoutly religious people, pre-marital sex is out of the question. So, they come up with a system. The woman marries one of the men for a week, then gets a divorce and marries the other man for a week. They just go back and forth like this. This way, each of the guys get seven days full of sex every other week, and the girl gets laid whenever she wants. This situation works out great, and their three-person community is thriving. But after eight months of this, the woman gets bit by a poisonous snake and dies. The first week is really rough. The second week is even worse. The third week is just plain terrible. The fourth week is practically unbearable. So on the fifth week, they decide to bury the body.

Little Johnny Little Johnny was in school and his English teacher had the students write short poems. When everyone was done, she asked the students to read them for the class. Little Jeremy: "I took a walk down by the lake and there I saw a long brown snake." Very good Jeremy! Little Susie: "My oh my! I looked to the sky, and there I saw a butterfly." Very good Susie! Little Johnny: "I couldn't think of one." Teacher. "You go out in the hall and let me know once you do!" Little Johnny goes and sits in the hall. He's looking around and figures one out. He jestures to the teacher who comes and asks him what his poem is. "As I sat out in the hall, a big cockroach ran up the wall." The teacher wasn't pleased, because she knew Johnny just loved slipping in curse words, but said "Ok, but leave cock out of it." Little Johnny comes back in front of the class and reads his poem: "As I sat out in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall. With his cock out!"

"Look, it's like a snake!" my daughter yelled, curious hands outstretched as she toddled across the unkempt yard. Hearing a thud, I turned in time to watch the slithering parasite burrow its way forcefully into her eye socket, tears stinging my eyes as I dashed inside and locked the door before she turned.

2 original jokes Here's 2 (bad) jokes I made up a few years ago. With all the reposts on here some new ones might be nice even if they are bad! 1. What do you call a long snake-like poo? A Poothon 2. A family of poothons were floating down a river. The son poothon asks his mother "dad told me that we're just a by-product of the human digestive system, is that true?" The mother replies "don't listen to him, he's just talking shit!"

Why can't some snakes get boners? Because they have a reptile dysfunction.

The annual physical During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said,"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

A man is lost in the desert. (Not Nate the Snake) A man is lost in the desert. He tired and has he's stumbling up another sand dune he comes across a lamp. "What the hell." He think and rubs it three times and a genie pops out. "Thank you so much!" The genie tells the man. "I've been trapped in that lamp for thousands of years! Since you set me free I will grant you one wish." The man kinda grumbles thinking he always thought it was three wishes but quickly gets over it. A wish is a wish. He pulls out a map from his back pocket and asks the genie, "You see this part of the world right here?" He points at the Middle East. "There's so much violence and turmoil that has lasted thousands of years there that I would like there to be peace for as long as the world exists." The genie simply responds to the man with a tear coming out of his eye, "I'm sorry my man. Even with all my magical power I cannot make that wish come true." A tear drops out of the mans eye. He really wanted to make a difference. "Cheer up!" genie says, "You still have a wish! what else might you wish for?" "Well... You know Mariah Careys vagina? How it's all blown out and used up? I wish it was nice and tight again. Like when she was younger." The genie responds, "Let me take a look at that map again."

A little old lady went to the grocery store... A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.  Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog." So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.  The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit." The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

Two friends are hiking through the woods.. When a snake jumps up and bites one of the men on the penis. Thinking quickly, the other man calls the doctor to explain the situation. The doctor tells the man "Well the first thing you need to do is suck the venom out, or your friend will surely die." The man thanks the doctor, hangs up, and looks to his friend. "What'd the doctor say?" the bitten man asks, breathing heavily. Looking his helpless friend in the eyes he replied "They said you're gonna die."

What does a German snake say? ßßßß

Three old cowboys... Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fishing for trout attacked me. I wrestled with that bear for three hours before I finally was able to draw my knife and kill it." "Aw, that's nuthin'" says Raph, "once when I was ridin' across the prairie, my horse stumbled in a gopher hole and I fell off into a draw plumb full of diamondback rattlesnakes. I started shootin' em in the head, fast as I could till I ran outta bullets. Then when they'd strike, I'd grab em and bite their heads off." Jed just stood there stokin' the fire with his penis.

the knights What is the name of the knight who moonlights as a geologist? Sir Vey What is the name of the agreeable knight? Sir Tenly What is the name of the Knight who used to be a slave? Sir Vent What are the names of the Knights who run the graduation ceremony? Sir Amony and Sir Tiffy Cashien What is the name of the Knight who is also an OB/GYN? Sir Vix What is the name of the Knight on LSD? Sir Real What is the name of the Knight who makes pottery? Sir Amik Vaze What is the name of the Knight who also works in the OR? Sir Jen What is the name of the Knight who is totally radical? Sir Fer What is the name of the Knight who is a great trader? Sir Plus What is the name of the French Knight? Sir Render. What is the name of the Knight who never loses? Sir Vivyn What is the name of the Knight who enjoys practical jokes? Sir Prize! What is the name of the Knight who is always in the lead? Sir Pass What is the name of the Firefly class Knight? Sir Renitee What is the name of the really sketchy Knight? Sir Spishus (all credit for those above goes to /u/NedryOS) What's the name of the knight who is always sure of himself? Sir Ten (creds to /u/loufizzle) what is the name of the knight who loves snakes? Sir Pent (creds to /u/Space_Bucket)

i've just bought an english snake. Sir Pent

A snake walks into a bar And the bartender yells, "How the fuck did you just walk in here?!"

Two snakes walk into a bar. Turns out they were lizards.

Allegedly the longest joke in the world: The story of Jack, and Nathan the Snake It's actually so long that it won't fit into a Reddit post, but it's [worth the read if you have like an hour to kill.](http://www.wattpad.com/2012108-the-longest-joke-in-the-world-a-man-in-the-desert#.Uaa7x8qwUgk)

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing... And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

On a whim, I bought a snake yesterday at the local pet store... Last night, I attempted to feed it a freshly grilled hamburger. Just the patty, no bread. The thing is, he wouldn't eat it. As it turns out, my anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, Hun.

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . . One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, then spit it out." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're going to die."

What do you call a pair of snakeskin trousers? Serpants.

What did you call a Mexican snake? Hisssspanic

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff. Baa-dum-tssss.

How do you measure a snake? In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Camping with your friend Two friends are camping and they're sitting around the fire when one gets up to take a leak. He starts screaming "A snake bit my dick! A snake bit my dick!" His friend calms him down and ensures that he'll call a doctor. Once he calls the doctor, he starts to relay the doctors instructions to his friend: "Okay first, he says pull your pants down" so he does. "Next, cut two slits with your knife where the snake bit him" so he tells his friend and he does so. Next, the doctor says "Okay you're going to suck the venom out of the cuts." He turns and his friend asks what the doctor said to do next. He looks at his friend and says "Doc says you're gonna die".

Why don't snakes have balls? Because hardly any of them know how to dance.

A man and his wife were riding to town on a horse driven carriage....(old one i heard from my grandpa) they come upon a snake in the road. The horse refuses to move any further so the man gets down, throws the snake in the woods and gets the horse moving "that's one" he says. They continue down the path until they come upon a fallen tree, and the horse won't go around. So the man pushes and pushes on the tree to clear the path, climbs back on the carriage and says "that's two" he says and they go on their way. Then they come upon a river, shallow enough for them to cross but the horse simply won't go. So, the man climbs down, and attempts to make the horse go, but it just will not cross the water. The man says"that's three" and shoots the horse there on the spot. His wife, looking on in disgust says to him "that's the terrible! You didn't have to kill the horse! The man looks at her and says"that's one"

A Brief History of Medicine **Patient:** "I have an ear ache." **Doctor:** 2000 B.C. - "Eat this root." 1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1750 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1960 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2010 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial, eat this root."

Big Chief Joke Old as dirt but still funny. A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, He continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him ?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

What does camel and snake have in common ? Nothing

A teacher is teaching vocabulary... ...and asks the children to use the word "urinate" in a sentence. Little Suzy stands up first and proudly says, "When I was little, I used to say peepee, but now I say urinate." "Very good," says the teacher. "You are very mature. Anyone else?" Fat Carl stands up confidently and says, "Bear Grylls taught me to urinate in a dead snake's skin and put it around my neck to keep cool." "Um, ok. That's a little strange, but you still used the word correctly. Good job. Anyone else?" Dirty Johnny stands up, looks the teacher up and down, and says, "Ms. Jones, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a 10."

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet. They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."

Three cowboys are camped out under the starlight in the old west. While waiting for their dinner pot of beans to heat up, the first cowboy, a young upstart still looking to make a name for himself, decides to test his mettle against the others. He says, "Why, I bet I'm the manliest of the three of us, and I've a tale to prove it! Just last week while walking my new mustang through the bush a rattlesnake snapped out and took me in the ankle! I kicked it off, squatted down, and sucked that venom right out in two hard pulls, and here I am today none the worse for it!" The second cowboy, a few years older and wiser, decides to play along. "Oh, that's nothing," he says. "Do you remember that wild bull that had been ravaging all the wildstock between here and New Mexico? Big as a grizzly, horns as long as your leg there, and meaner than old Wyatt Earp himself on a good day! Well, I went out there and wrangled it up with the finest lassoing I've ever made, brought it down and knotted it up good. M' folks back home have been feasting fine on jerky ever since!" The third cowboy, the oldest of the three with gray in his beard, simply kept his silence, stirring the coals with his penis.

While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake... The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!" So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. The Lieutenant tells the soldier "Okay listen, we fucked up and didn't bring any medical supplies, so you're gonna have to run back up there, locate the wound, and suck as much of the venom out - that's the only way you can save that soldier up there, so GO - NOW!!" The soldier who got bit is on the floor writhing in pain and he sees his partner walking up casually, taking his sweet time. He says "About time you got here! What did the Lieutenant say?" The other soldier replies "Sorry bro, he said you're gonna fucking die!"

Have you heard this joke of a snake walking into a bar? Well not heard, but I have reddit.

Two men are hunting in the woods... ...when one has to take a piss. After a couple of minutes he comes back screaming that he'd been bitten by a snake on his dick. He begs his friend to call for help. His friend calls 9-1-1 and they tell him that he is going to have to suck the poison out. He hangs up and returns to his friend. The man said, "What'd they say?" And his friend says, "That you're going to die."

What do you call a snake that has been knighted? Sir Pent...

What do you call a broken snake? A reptile dysfunction.

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply." After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!" Noah rubs his chin for a few moments, and then goes into the forest, cuts down a couple of trees, and makes a table out of them. Then he puts the snakes up on the platform he has made, and says "Now you should be happy. Everybody knows that adders can multiply with log tables!"

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff together. Ba-dum-tss

Did you hear about the epileptic snake? It had a hissy fit.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot? Pretzalcoatl

After the Great Flood After the Great Flood, Noah sends the animals to go forth and multiply. A pair of snakes stayed behind. Noah asked, why they stayed. The pair of snakes replies “We can't multiply, we're adders” ... so Noah builds them a log table

After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!" Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them. "We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes. Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carrying a felled tree over his shoulder. After flattening the sides, he placed it on the ground next to the adders, and said "Here's a log table, now even adders can multiply."

snake joke A guy wearing a snake walks up to a hot dog stand and asks for a hot dog for his snake.The woman running the stand says they don't have any buns so it just would be the meat.He says that sorry My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the Varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses. "Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, He continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him ?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers." The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!" The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall." Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake." The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!" The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!" "No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast!"

Rattlesnakes and Condoms ...two things I don't fuck with.

Two Australian men are in the Outback Two Australian men are in the Outback to survey land that they'll build a mine on. Suddenly, one of the men screams out in pain, and his friend runs over to him. "What the hell happened mate?" "That bloody snake over there bit me on the dong!" The man points to a rattlesnake some ways away. "Well, no worries, I'll just call up the doc and see what to do." So the guy takes out his phone, calls a doctor, and tells him about the snake that bit his friend. The doctor replies, "Yes, I'm afraid that snake you've just described is very venomous. Your friend will die if you don't help him immediately." "Alright, what do I have to do?" the man asks. "Well what you want to do is make an incision on the wound and suck out all the poison." So the man thanks the doctor and goes back to his friend. "So what did the doc say?" asks his friend. "You're gonna die mate." __________________________________________________ Old joke I heard that I thought was funny. Sorry if I butchered it too much.

So yet another snake walks into a bar... He asks the bartender, "Gimme a shot of Jack!" "No sir." "Well why not?" The snake said. "You can't hold your liquor!"

What do you get when you mix a fly, a snake head, and Mickey Mouse? The hell out of there.

Walking around in The Garden of Eden One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

How do you turn a cobra into a rattlesnake? Give it to Michael J Fox

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake? He had a reptile dysfunction

I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms. The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!" "I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

A blind rabbit So there is this blind rabbit hopping around the jungle when he trips on a snake. The rabbit says , 'Oh im so sorry sir, i didnt see where i was going because I am blind'. The snake says ' Hey its ok , i understand , I am blind too'. So the two strike up a rapport and get a few drinks and are talking. 'It sucks , being blind', says the rabbit, ' I don't even know what i look like'. So the snake says ' hey no big deal , why dont i feel you up and i can tell what you look like. so they both agree and the snake starts feeling up the bunny. "hey you are all furry" , says the snake , " and u have long ears and a small tail, small feet. Hey you know what you must be a rabbit. my mom told me about them , they are really cute." The bunny is really happy. He's like wow, he gets a warm fuzzy glow and all that. So he goes, 'hey why dont i return the favour and feel you up'. They agree and the bunny starts feeling up the snake. So the bunny goes ..." lets see..'you have a scaly skin, you have no heart, no balls, you have a forked tongue... "ah, I get it now.. You are a lawyer. "

A sheep, a drum, & a snake fall down a cliff... BA-DUMM-TSS!

Our guru told us this joke when my mom told him I got scared by a stray cat at night while taking out the garbage. There was this one cowardly guy who was scared of many things and once he took a journey to another town. While at it, he came upon a tunnel. He quickly got scared of the tunnel and started to look around for help. He saw a person standing by and asks him for help. The person says he's a guide and you came to right person. So, they enter the tunnel with the guide leading the way. After a while, they came across spiders and the coward got scared. "Don't worry, there are rats upfront. Rats will eat all the spiders" says the guide. The coward with full courage moved forward slowly and after few meters the rats start appearing. "Rats! I'm also scared of rats" said the coward and again the guide comforts him that there is snake upfront and snake will eat all the rats. The coward now has come so far now that he cannot return back so he thought it is better to move forward. Both walk for minutes and suddenly big snakes start crawling. "Snakes! I'm most scared of snakes" said the coward. Again, the guide tries to comfort the coward and says "Don't worry, a bit ahead there are ghost of dead ones. They will kill the snakes." The coward asks " What if the ghosts don't kill the snakes?". Then, the guide says "I don't know. I was eaten by snakes a while ago. So.."

What do you call a Russian snake that's eating its own tail? An ouroboris

Two hunters are on a safari ..then one guy has to pee so he finds a bush and start doing his duty when he got bit on the crouch by a cobra snake. He yells to his friend to call for help, so his friend calls emergency line. After describing the snake, he's told that he needs to suck on the wound to get venom out or his friend will die. He comes back to his friend who asks what they said, he answered : "they said you're gonna die".

An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from someone whose cock is on his face". And the elephant replies: "Says the one with vaginas on his feet".The snake laughs at them. The elephant and the camel yelled: "Still better than someone with eyes on his cock".

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff badum tss

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some while, Noah happened upon two snakes sunning themselves. "Why aren't you multiplying?" Noah asked. The snakes replied, "We can't, we're adders." So Noah and his sons went into the nearby forest and felled some trees. They made a platform of logs onto which they placed the snakes. You see, even adders can multiply on a log table.

I love indie movies Me too, the best one is the first one with the snakes

Babys In Mothers Woom Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that thing in half!”

A sheep, a drum, and a snake all fall off a cliff... Ba-dumm-tss

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today." The third cowboy remained silent, staring into the fire, silently stirring the coals with his dick.

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat,tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied,"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes,Ms. Walters cried,"Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and the fuckers run too fast.Me No fuck deer!"

What do you call a snake that works for the government? ~~A civil serpent~~ Senator.

John and Larry were out hunting one day. John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out. "A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!" Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and Larry said, "My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake! What should I do?" "First of all, stay calm," said the doctor. "Do you have a pocket knife?" "Yes." "Good. You'll have to locate the two fang marks." "Check." "Take your knife and make a shallow incision right across the marks." "Okay." "Then put your lips over the incision and suck. Keep it up for a minute or so. That should get all the venom out, and your friend will be fine." "Gotcha, thanks!" He hung up and went over to John. "What did the doctor say?" asked John. "He said you're going to die."

The tale of Big Bad John This fellow was out looking for work. He sees a sign in a bar window that says "bartender needed-no experience necessary" so he goes in and takes the sign to the bar and begins to ask "Is the position still open...?" "You're hired." The bartender says and throws his apron at the man and heads for the door. "What's going on here?" He asks. "You'll find out when Big Bad John gets here." So, he starts serving beer and cleaning glasses. Then a fellow comes through the door and yells "Big Bad John is on his way." People leave by the front door, back door window, fire escape, every which way. 30 seconds later the bar is empty. The fellow looks out the window and sees a 7 foot tall 400lb man riding a lion and beating it with a live rattlesnake. Big guy rides the lion right into the bar, throws the snake on the bar and says "Gimmie a drink." Bartender slides a shot across the bar and the big guy swallows it glass and all. "Gimmie another one" He snarls. So the bartender does. "Can I get you anything else, sir?" He asks. "Are you kidding, I gotta get out of here before Big Bad John shows up."

What do you call a knitting snake? A nanaconda.

"Two men walk into a desert..." Two men walk into a desert and a very venomous snake clenches it's teeth in one of the men's dick. Panicked man: *"I'm going to die!"* Friend: *"No you're not!"* The friend immediately calls 911 and asks the operator what he should do. Operator: *"There is only one way your friend can survive: you have to suck the poison out."* *"What did she say?!? What did she say!!???"* yelled the distressed man. His friend looks at him and says: *"I'm sorry man, she said that you're going to die."*

What do you call a snake that works in the government? A civil serpent

A snake met an elephant one day and laughed 'Look at you, you have a dick on your face!' The elephant replied, 'Better than you, your face is on your dick!'

Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms... Because I don't fuck with either of them.

Why couldn't the snake have sex Ereptile dysfunction

Two guys and a snake .... This is a true story. Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What happened?" Jerry, who's starting to feel some numbness creeping up along his member explains that a snake bit him on the end of his dick. "What kind of snake?", Ralph inquires. "I don't know, spotted ... with flecks of orange, red on it .... fuck, does it matter? Just call a doctor and hurry. I feel like shit." So Ralph moves off and pulls out his cell and calls his doctor explaining the situation. The doctor asks, "Did you get a good look at the snake?" Ralph repeats what Jerry said to which the doctor replied, "Oh my, that's a very poisonous snake. You have to get the venom out as quickly as possible or your friend will die." "How do I do that?" asked Ralph. "You're going to have to suck it out with your mouth", the doctor instructed. "Okay, okay. Thanks Doc", Ralph responds as he quickly hangs up and runs over to his friend Jerry. Jerry has deteriorated quite a bit by now and is starting to sweat and shake uncontrollably. He sees Ralph running up and in a weakened, anxious voice asks "So? What did the doctor say?" Ralph looks at his friend and replies "He said you're gonna die." (A variation on an oldie but goldie joke)