100+ Shark Jokes

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans... "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them" "But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?" "Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?" Edit: Obligatory "thnx 4 front page guis!"

What do people and sharks have in common? All the great ones are white

Why do the sharks feed pineapples to the people lost in the sea? Because it makes sea men taste better!

I reassured my daughter that the sharks out there couldn't get us and that we were perfectly safe in this underwater restaurant. "No, Mommy, *that*!" she exclaimed, pointing at the growing crack in the glass.

I told my new neighbor, "I've got a half brother." He asked, "Different dads?" I said, >!"No - shark attack."!<

A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR." A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking... Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just Eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

What do you call a construction worker who’s lost both arms and a leg in a shark attack? An ambulance, you fucking sociopath.

An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party... Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly: An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

So I met a Pirate... - Mobile user, please excuse phrasing. So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it. "Can I ask how you got the peg leg?". "Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying for land, when a giant shark came up out of the briny and took me leg clean off!" "WOW! That's quite a tale!" I said, "and what about you hand?" "Aye," he continued, "I was on the lower deck, inspecting the cannons, when a giant squid reached up through the porthole and tore me hand clean off!" "UNBELIEVABLE", I said, and I had to know more. "So what about your eye?" "Arr, twas not long after the squid, I was back on deck preparing to invade a small clipper ship, when a bird flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Wow and that cost you your eye?" "No, it was me first day with the hook..." Edit: Pirate lingo.

If you're attacked by a shark, where should you punch it? In the ocean. Don't try dragging it to shore first... you'll just bleed out or drown trying. Punch it in the ocean.

Two great white sharks . . . Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day.... And sharks get a whole week. It's probably because they are great whites.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

A pirate walks into a bar, and noticing that the pirate looks different than usual, the bartender asks him "What's up?" "Nothing much," says the pirate. "But your leg! What happened to it?" asks the bartender. "Ah, just a mishap while boarding a ship, when I slipped and it got eaten by a shark," explained the pirate. "But your hand! You've got a hook, where did did the hand go?" persists the bartender. "I lost it in a heated swordfight", says the pirate casually. "What about the eyepatch?" asks the curious bartender. Chuckling, the pirate replies, "Believe it or not, when I was cleaning the deck, a bird pooped right in my eye." The bartender is puzzled. "How do you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye?" "Well," says the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!! I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

I saw a pirate on the street the other day "Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?" "Aye, I be a pirate." "Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?" "It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off." "Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?" "During the mutiny, boy. My crew threw me overboard and the very same shark bit me hand off, too." "Oh man. And your eye patch?" "Bird poop." "Bird poop?" "Aye. A bird pooped in me eye, and it was the first day with me hook."

Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them" "But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?" "Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Sea captain joke A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg." The sailor then asks "How did you get the hook?" To which the captain replies "I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand." "Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?" "Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye." "Why didn't you wipe it out?" "Twas me first day with the hook."

"I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

A fisherman catches a shark... as soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling "wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go. "Alright" says the man, "i want my penis to reach the floor". So the shark ate his legs.

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up." "That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?" "We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it." The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?" "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans... A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them" "But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?" "Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

I saw a man at the beach yelling, "Help, Shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

My favorite Pirate joke my dad always tells A young pirate is talking to an older pirate and he says, "wow how did you lose your hand?" pointing at the pirates hook. "Arrr me young lad twas fighting off some scurvy attackers trying to take me ship and in the sword fight I got me hand cut off." "Well how did you lose your leg?" he asked pointing at the wooden leg. "Arr me young lad was cooling my feet off in the ocean one fine sunny day and a shark came and bit me leg off!" "Well how did you lose your eye?" the young pirate asked, pointing at the eye patch. "Arrr me young lad, twas lying on a beach sunning me self when a bird flew over me and shit in me eye!!" The young pirate asked, "how do you lose an eye from bird shit?" "Arrr me young lad twas the first day with me hook!"

Capsized While sport fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of crocodiles kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting a beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted, There wouldn't by chance be any crocodiles in these waters he asked in a panic. No, the old man hollered back haven't been any for years! Feeling relieved the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward the shore he asked the old man, say how'd you get rid of the crocodiles anyway? We didn't do anything, the old man said, the sharks got em.

Pirate in a Bar A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that limb to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum." "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said. "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." " Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate. "A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

Saw a man at the beach yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

One of my favorite hockey jokes On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers' jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth." As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said. "He may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know nothing about shark fishing... How's the bait holding up?"

Why sharks circle before they attack... Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!"

The good news is that it isn't sharks The bad news is that its eye is as big as me

A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg and asked, “How did you get that? The pirate said, “Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.” The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked, “How did you get that?” The pirate said: “Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.” The sailor pointed to the pirate’s eye patch and asked, “How did you get that?” The pirate said, “Aye, a bird came by and left droppings in me eye.” The sailor said, “That’s not as impressive as the other two. …” “Aye,” the pirate answered. “It was me first day with the hook.”

A Pirate's Life A pirate goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender says: "Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?" " Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading a canon it blew me hand clean off". "What about the eye-patch?". "I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped on me eye". "Well, that doesn't qualify an eye patch, now does it?" "Arrrgh, it was the first day I got me hook".

I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him. Heard from my 10 year old cousin.

A lawyer, priest and doctor... (pretty long joke) A doctor, priest and lawyer have a wealthy friend on his deathbed. The wealthy man tells them "I know they say you can't take it with you but I'm willing to try. I'm going to give you duffel bags with 5 million in cash each and at my funeral I want each of you to put it in my grave". Sure enough the wealthy man passes and the 3 friends meet up at the wake. The doctor, looking sullen, says "listen guys, I feel so guilty. I borrowed a lot of money from a loan shark to start my practice, I had to pay off two nurses I was having affairs with and I had to buy a new car. I had to use most of the money." The priest says "I too have a confession to make. My church was falling apart, my flock was leaving and I had to compete with the new mega church so I had to use a lot of the money." The lawyer looks at both of them in disgust. "I'm ashamed of both of you! He was our friend and you should have honored his wishes." Wagging his finger at both of them he says "I for one took his wish to heart and when the time came, I wrote him a check for the entire amount!"

It was a fine day out on the sea... when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks. "Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?" "Garr," he conceded. "Well, I can't help but notice that you have a peg leg. Mind if I ask what happened?" "Garr, it were a fine day out on da sea when I fell o'er board and a shark swam up 'n' ate me leg." "Oh, I see. Best have my sea legs when the time comes," he replied. "But it looks like you lost your right hand. How'd you get that hook, old-timer?" "Garr, it were another fine day out on da sea when me ship were boarded by buccaneers. Fought 'em off best we could, but I lost me hand in da fray." "My swordsmanship could be improved." The young sailer looked appraisingly at his hands. "But tell me about that patch and how you lost your eye." "Garr, it were another fine day out on da sea when a seagull flew o'er 'n' pooped in me eye." The young sailer was at a loss. He had never heard of anyone losing an eye over a bit bird droppings. "I don't understand," he replied. "You lost your eye because of seagull poop?" "Garr," the old pirate said matter-of-factly. "It were me first day with me hook."

Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?

So a shark and his son are going to get some food.... They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, "I'm going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Finally, you go in and eat them." The father and son swim over to the vessel, and the son executes the meal with ease. The father is impressed with his son, and commends him on his excellent performance. But the son is troubled and asks, "Why do we raise our fins out of the water and circle around them? Wouldn't it just be easier to go in and eat them?" The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

A shark is teaching her son how to eat a human Shark: First, do a full circle around him, then go forward a bit. Repeat this step until you are very close to the human, then eat it. Baby shark: Ok but why do we have to turn around it? Can't we just eat it normally? Shark: Well... I guess, but why would you want to eat it with all the shit inside?

I'm allergic to sharks.. ..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

Pirate joke! So Long John Silver's was looking for a mascot to sell their fish on T.V and they were looking for a pirate. So the first audition walks in and he is the perfect pirate! Peg leg, eye patch and hook for a hand, the perfect pirate look. The interviewer talks to him for a little bit and finally decides to ask how he lost his leg. The pirate says, "I had to walk the plank, and a shark came and took me leg!" Next the interviewer asks about his hook The pirate says, "some scalawag took it from me in a sword fight!" Finally he asks about his eye patch Pirate says, "we'll I was on the poop deck and saw a seagull fly over head and poop right in my eye!" The interviewer says"that can't possibly have taken your whole eye out!" The pirate replies sadly, "No, but it was the first day with me new hook..."

What do you call an octopus that fights sharks? An octobrave. I'm sorry.

Who would win a fight between an octopus and a shark? The octopus because it is well armed.

A sailor walks into a bar He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg. The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm, a wave crashed over the deck and swept me off inter the sea. Before I was rescued, a shark swam up and bit off me leg!" "That's quite the story" the sailor responds. "What about the hook?" "Arr, we were boarding a vessel, swords were flying, and in the fray, I got me hand chopped off!" "Wow, that's another impressive story. What's the story behind the eye patch?" "It twas a beautiful day, while I was gazing up at the clear blue sky, a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" "You lost your eye to bird poop?" the sailor asks incredulously. "Well," responds the pirate, "It twas the first day with me hook..."

A pirate walks into a bar... Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub. The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches, "Are you really a pirate?" he asks "Aye, lad, that I am. Captain Killigan at yer service." "Wow, so is all this stuff real? The hook and the leg and all?" "Aye, aye, and I'll tell ye the story of 'em all for a drink." Eager to hear his story, the man buys the pirate a drink and sits to listen. "Well, first, me leg. Aye, 'twas a great gale in the midst of the Atlantic, and one of my men and fallen over board after a rogue wave hit the ship. I was haulin' him in off the netting when I great white shark leapt out of the water and bit me leg off at the knee..." "Wow," says the bar patron, "that's amazing! And your hand?" "Aye, me hand... We were searchin' fer buried treasure off'a the Florida Keys, when while hackin' through the brush, I stumbled upon a great alligator who was right bothered about me beein' there. I fought the beast valiantly, but the bastard took me hand..." "Oh this is incredible!" The man exclaims, "So the eye-patch...how's you lose the eye?" The pirate pauses, a little reticent to reveal this last injury... "Well...a seagull pooped in me eye..." "What? Seagull poops in your eye and now you need an eye-patch?" "Aye...T'was me first day with the hook..."

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we charge at them while half of our backs is showing and we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Why do sharks like salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze

Two Pirates My mom just sent me this one, thought it was good Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic. Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?

A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, eyepatch, and a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender asks how he got the peg leg. "Well", says the pirate, "I fell into the sea and had to fight off a shark, but he ate me leg." "What about the hook hand?" Pirate: "Me vessel got boarded by some scallywags and I lost me hand in the fight." "Well, how about the eyepatch?" "Ol' Polly here pooped in me eye!" The bartender was confused and asked how that could possibly make him lose his eye. The pirate responds: "First day with the hook."

Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because clowns rarely swim in the ocean where sharks live and feed. If a clown were to swim in the ocean, they likely will not be wearing their clown gear. But is a clown without gear still a clown? This is a better question.

What is the most polite shark in the world? Whale shark, because it's whale-behaved.

A shark will only attack you if you're wet

Mama shark and baby shark One day the mama shark decided that it was time to teach her baby how to hunt for food. She spots a cruise ship pulling into port and soon after the people are beginning to play in the water. Mama shark tells her baby "See those people in the water? I want you to go over there and swim three circles around them and then you can go in and eat" The baby shark does just like his mama told him. When he gets back, he asks " Mama, why do I have to swim around the people three times before I can eat them?" The mama shark replies "Because people always taste better when they aren't so full of shit!"

I saw leaked footage of Finding Dory yesterday Bruce the shark is now called Caitlyn.

A father shark and a son shark come across a shipwreck... The son shark immediately starts swimming for the people, anxious for the easy meal. The father shark stops him. The son shark asks "Why can't I eat the people?". The father explains to him, "In a moment son...watch me". The father shark proceeds to swim around the people, showing his fins. He swims around them again, showing more fins and all his teeth. He says to his son, "OK, you can eat them now". His son asks "why couldn't I eat them before?", his father replies, "They taste better without the shit in them."

The pirate and the sailor A sailor walks into a bar and sees a pirate with a peg leg, a hook hand and an eye patch. His curiosity leads him to approach the pirate and ask, "Why do you have a peg leg?" "I was washed overboard and a shark bit me leg off." the pirate responds. "Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your hook hand?" "Me first mate tried to kill me with his sword but only got me hand instead." "Okay," says the sailor, "but what about your eye patch?" "I was walking along the beach and a seagull pooped on me eye." the pirate explains. "A seagull pooped your eye out?" the sailor asks incredulously. "No," the pirate explains, "it was the first day with me hook."

What do you get if you cross a shark with a skunk? As far away as possible.

What's the soft stuff between sharks' teeth? Slow swimmers

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive. The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter. The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died. The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She'd taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive.

Did you hear about the man who had his whole left side bitten off by a shark? He's all right now.

Bill and George buy a small boat... and Bill has a stutter. So they're out in the middle of the sea and George decides that they should each watch opposite sides of the boat and warn the other if they see anything. After a few minutes Bill starts saying: "Sh-sh-sh-sh." But before he could finish his sentence a giant ship hit their boat and smashed it to pieces. George looked at Bill in such a rage and yelled: "YOU FUCKING IDIOT! YOU COULDN'T SAY SHIP!?!?" George and Bill didn't talk to each other for the next few months, but when they finally did Bill proposed that they buy another small boat and go out to sea again. So they did. Out at sea, George tells Bill: "If you see something this time, say it faster." After a few minutes, Bill starts saying: "Sh-sh-sh..." But before he could even finish, George already jumped overboard! When finally Bill yells out: "SHARK!"

What is the soft stuff between sharks' teeth? Slow swimmers

A young sailor is listening to an old pirate tell his stories... ...and notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The young man asks the pirate, "How did you get your peg leg?" "Well you see," says the pirate, "I once got so rip, roaring drunk, that I stumbled and fell overboard. The crew scrambled to fish me out, and just as I was being lifted, a shark came and took a huge bite of me leg!" The young sailor is impressed, and asks the pirate "Well, how did you get your hook?" The pirate responds "We were fighting another ship and we managed to get on their boat. In the heat of battle, the captain swung his sword and cut me hand clean off!" The sailor is shocked. After a short pause he then asks the pirate, "So how did you get your eyepatch?" To which the pirate responds, "We were at port and seagull flew overhead. I looked up, and a huge crap fell on me eye." "You got your eyepatch because a seagull shat on it?!" asks the young man. "That's very ironic considering you've survived a shark attack and had your hand cut off!" "Well it was me first day with me hook!" replies the pirate

Falling vending machines kill more people per year than sharks. I've never even seen a shark near a vending machine.

What's a sharks favorite game? Swallow the leader. *This joke has been brought to you by my 8 year old's math homework.*

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, try swimming with sharks, because it can cost you an arm and a leg.

I was just at the beach and heard someone yell "Help! Shark!" I am pretty sure that shark wasn't going to help him...

Mama shark and baby shark Mama shark and Baby shark are swimming in the ocean. Mama shark turns to Baby shark and says "Baby shark, do you see those swimmers up there on the surface? I'm gonna teach you how to hunt. Watch this". So Mama shark swims up, sticks her fin out of the water, circles them 3 times, and then eats them. She comes back down and says "You see what I did there Baby shark?" Baby shark says "yes I did! that was great! but why did you stick your fin out of the water and circle them 3 times?" and Mama shark replies, "Well I find they taste much better when the shit is out of them"

How Black Tooth McPhee Lost His Eye It was a typical evening at the pub by the bay when a young man walks in and spots old Black Tooth McPhee sitting in a corner. The yound man walks up to the old pirate and gives him a rowdy hi ho and says, "Ah McPhee, you're not looking so good since the last time I saw ye. What happened to ye Mate?" McPhee, replies in a raspy voice, "Ye see Lad, I lost me leg when I fell overboard and a shark took it off below the knee. And I lost me hand in a card game that went wrong." Says the young fella, "But yer eye, McPhee?" The old pirate explained, "Arghh, I lost it when a bird shit in it." Replies the young fella, "But how can that be?" "Well, it was the first day I had the hook ye see," he says, smiling with his black tooth a showing.

Why were the other fish calling the shark gay? He swallowed all of the seamen.

One I heard in 4th grade and remembered out of the blue today. A sexy pirate captain had been at sea for 6 months, she was the perfect woman, a huge rack, a tight waist, long slender legs that lead up to nice tight ass. She was perfect except for her one wooden eye of which she was extremely sensitive. After 6 months at sea she was hot for it and ready to break her own rule of not sleeping with her crew. Now they were mostly older grey haired men that had gotten fat and pretty sloppy over their careers on the high seas. But their was one cabin boy who had a sculpted tan body that caught her eye, the only problem was he had a peg leg where his had been bitten off by a shark. Deciding she could get passed the leg, one day she sent for the cabin boy to join her in her quarters. He walked in to find her perfectly curved body naked and glistening on her bed. Immediately aroused the cabin boy was overwhelmed with thoughts of things to come. The captain asked "would you like lay with me?" To which the cabin boy exclaimed "WOULD I!" The captain enraged snapped back, "Well it's not like you're perfect PEG LEG!" And had him thrown overboard.

Bad Christmas cracker jokes. Where do you find reindeer? It depends on where you leave them! What do reindeer have that no other animals have? Baby reindeer! Knock Knock Who's there? Snow Snow who? Snow business like show business! Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws! What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective? Santa Clues! What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause! Why was Santa little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem! What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic!

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

What is a shark's guilty pleasure? A mouth full of seamen.

A shark walks into a bar, and the bartender leaves because sharks are dangerous.

I often go to fancy dress parties dressed as a shark.... Quite honestly, the novelty is wearing a little fin

Seaman A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off". "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. "Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables? They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath. Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

Need some rhyming help! Hey r/jokes. I need some help making this cute saying work, since you have such a great way with words on this subreddit I figured I'd come here for some help. So tomorrow a girl that I really like and I are going to the zoo. Her favorite animal is the sharks so naturally I want to take her thee and I was thinking that that's the spot where I ask her out at. I think I will buy a large stuffed shark and put a not in it's mouth. I will say something along the lines of hey it looks like he took a bit out of something. I need help on what that note would say. I want it to be funny and a good joke but I also want it to get the point across that I am asking her out. My best attempt to far was you can take a bite out of me, will you go out with me. So as you can see I need a ton of help. Please help me out guys!

Why hasn't any lawyer ever been bitten by a shark? Professional courtesy.

Surf's up? A Californian surfer visiting Australia was having a good time catching the breakers at resorts along the Gold Coast, but wanted a special experience. He wanted to surf a beach where nobody, or almost nobody, goes. So he gets in the car, drives north. At the first remote beach he hits, he has his board in hand as he's walking toward the water, when one of the locals warns him: "you don't want to be surfing here, mate: there's too many sharks". So he heeds the warning, and drives to one remote beach after another - and it's always the same warning: there's too many sharks. Finally, he finds a perfect beach. It's so perfect, film editors would cut it out because the audience would never believe it's real. He asks the first person he meets if there are any sharks here, and was told, no. Two more locals give him the same answer: no sharks here. So he splashes into the water and paddles out toward the breakers, when the alarm goes off in his head. This is a perfect beach, the water temperature's perfect, the breakers are to die for... and not only are there no surfers, nobody is in the water. Something's got to be wrong. So he turns his head and cries out to a sunbather catching a tan: "Hey, why aren't there any sharks at this beach?" And the guy answers: "because they're bloody afraid of the crocodiles, mate!"

What's the gummy stuff between sharks teeth? Slow swimmers.

What is the most important thing for a hungry shark? A-fish-in-sea.

Homework! Oh, Homework! I hate you! You stink! I wish I could wash you away in the sink, if only a bomb would explode you to bits. Homework! Oh, homework! You're giving me fits. I'd rather take baths with a man-eating shark, or wrestle a lion alone in the dark, eat spinach and liver, pet ten porcupines, than tackle the homework, my teacher assigns. Homework! Oh, homework! you're last on my list, I simply can't see why you even exist, if you just disappeared it would tickle me pink. Homework! Oh, homework! I hate you! You stink!

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat. Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says “sshhh sshhh Shark!!”

A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar. The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook..."

One knight a king, a queen, and a dog sailed on a boat. The queen and king fell off and drowned. The dog tried to rescue them but was eaten by a shark. Who survived? The knight. (It's a better oral joke since knight and night are interchangeable)

How to escape a shark attack What you need is a knife, the size of the knife doesn't matter. This is what you do. When you see the shark swimming around and you see the hunger in his eyes, you take out your knife and wait... You notice him swimming toward you, just hold to your knife and prepare yourself... You see him getting closer, just keep holding onto the knife... When he is close enough for you to see the hollow hunger in his eyes and he just keeps swimming toward you, you take your knife and.... stab the guy next to you and swim away, just stab and swim.

Why do the sharks only swim in salt water? ......because they would sneeze in pepper water.

If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale.. Would they..Hit it off?

Why do sharks live in saltwater? Because pepperwater makes them sneeze.

Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional Courtesy.

Why do sharks like stoners? Because they're baked snacks.

Why did the shark go to the doctors? Because he didn't feel very whale

Why don't sharks eat more than one dentist at a time? They're filling.