50+ Science Jokes

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."

“Do all the work yourself or get 0%” In high school I was in a science class that I did very well in. I was top of the class and scored nearly 100% on every test and assignment. The teacher assigned a big group project that would take about a week to complete with a team of four students. Groups were randomly assigned, and unfortunately, I was paired up with three kids who were barely passing the class. In class we are given time to make plans together as a group to divide up work, examine the instructions, schedule times outside of school to meet up, etc. It was at this point my teammates decided to tell me that they weren’t going to do any work on the project. I asked why, and they said they knew I really cared about my grade, so they figured I would do it on my own. They were so lazy they were banking on the fact I wouldn’t tank my own grade, so they could benefit off of my hard work when I inevitably got a good score on the project. I was pissed and said that was unfair. They dug in and said “Too bad. Now you either do this project yourself or you’ll get a 0%.” Cue malicious compliance. Now, I could have gone to the teacher and he probably would have sorted this out, but a better idea struck me. So I said “Fine, you win. I’ll do what you say.” They smiled smugly and thought that was that. But you see, this teacher had a policy that at the end of the semester your lowest grade (excluding finals) would be taken off your record. So, if you forgot to turn in an assignment or did really bad on one test, you got a mulligan so it wouldn’t ruin your final grade. I had never done poorly on an assignment all year, so I never needed my mulligan. However, I knew that these shitheads all did. If they got a big fat zero on a crucial assignment, they would probably fail the class. So, I did exactly as they instructed. I did no work on the project all week. Just sat on it and bided my time. At the beginning of the next week all the students turned in their assignments. My team watched as I sat in my chair, unmoving. Finally one said: CLASSMATE: Hey OP, aren’t you going to turn in the project?” ME: Oh, I didn’t do the project. They were shocked and asked why the hell I didn’t do it. ME: You said do all the work or get a 0%. I choose 0%. They were all royally pissed. They all had to do credit recovery over the summer. They hated my guts, but I couldn’t have cared less. It was the most satisfying failing grade in my entire life.

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world... One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world. On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!" The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein "Lets switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein, goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eyes and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Penis Contest Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?" The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

Water main burst, maintenance guy told me to stop dumping water out the window I'm a high school science teacher and a few years back a water main burst in my classroom. I saw the drain was clogged so I sent the majority of the class to the library and grabbed some students I knew could handle themselves from coaching wrestling and football. I had them help carry water to the window in trash cans while I called Building and Grounds. A few minutes later a maintenance guy came in and yelled at me, told everyone to leave and that we should let the water fill the class until the pressure cleared the blockage in the drain. The water pressure did not clear the blockage in the drain. The whole hallway on both sides flooded, as did the hallway beneath it, mold grew and we had to shut down over 40 classrooms for over a year. There wasn't enough classroom space and we had to split the student body in half and have one group come in from 5 am to 11 and the other come in from 11-5 pm. The repair cost the district over $15 million. All spring sports were cancelled for the year, the next year's fall sports were cancelled too and in a lot of ways the district never recovered. I got a load of crap from my supervisor, a VP and the school principal in the immediate aftermath and wasn't brought back the next year. I got offered my old job back when they realized how much damage I was trying to prevent but had already moved on to greener pastures.

What's the difference between science and religion? One builds planes and skyscrapers, and the other brings them together.

Science pun

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size... The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

I have to teach in my classroom? Bet. I first started teaching over 20 years ago at a high school, so this was roughly May of 2004. As a new teacher, I was the low man on the pole and ended up in a portable classroom instead of the main building. If you don't know, it is what it sounds like. Kind of like a small mobile home trailer. They are meant to be used temporarily at best, for overcrowding or emergencies and the like. The big problem is that Florida is hot as hell. We have two seasons: Summer and Hot Summer. This particular year, our AC in the portable couldn't keep up. The insulation in the building had been damaged in a hurricane the previous year and had not been repaired yet. As a result of those two things, it was hotter inside the portable than it was outside in the shade with a breeze. So I said "fuck it" and moved class outside and taught math in the courtyard for a few days. One of the assistant principals saw us, and asked to see me later. He asked why I was teaching outside, and I explained. "Teach in your classroom." I tried to negotiate. What if the front office has my cell number? What about the media center, can I teach there? "Teach in your assigned classroom." Bet. That weekend, I went to the home improvement store. I bought a 50 gallon trashcan, a large standing fan, a small pump and some copper tubing. I rigged it up so the chilled water would be pulled through the tubing that was zip tied to the front of the fan. Then Monday I went to work early and got a bunch of ice from the cafeteria to put in the trash can. I filled the cooler with water and dumped that in there with the ice. I now had enough ice water to make cool air. When the kids showed up for first period, we had some air. It wasn't as good as a real air conditioner, but it helped. The kids thought I was a mad scientist, and that actually made me think about switching subjects to science later. No kids I am not a mad scientist, just basic thermodynamics here. By third period kids are telling each other about it. We went that way for about a week and a half before it ended. I got called in to the office. "Why am I getting phone calls from parents about some science experiment in your MATH CLASS, Mr. Cobb?" It seems some of the kids had been talking about my DIY solution at home. "It's a home made air conditioner. I told you ours was crappy. You didn't want to address the situation, so I did." I was told to disassemble it, and by some miracle, I had a newer AC unit in my portable the next day. The principal was PISSED I "made the school look bad" and she non-renewed my contract at the end of the year, so I had to find a new school. My son goes to that high school now. Those same portables are still in use.

What body part grows 10 times it's size when stimulated? The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Always remember, Science flies you to the moon But religion flies you into buildings

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed" Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed. Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing. Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

Student made demands regarding a project and found out the hard way. One of the degree modules I teach involves students working on a group programming project. Nothing too elaborate, but the aim of the module is to develop skills they will need if they go on to work in the IT field. After all if you're doing a Computer Science degree, you must be thinking of going down that route? This one student is an absolute entitled nightmare. He uses GenAI for a lot of his work and it really does show. He always pushed back on the written remarks on his work but every time I sit him down and ask him to explain the code he produces, he struggles and often has no idea how the code he submitted works. In this project he came up and told me he cannot work with others in the group and must work alone. I explained that there are specific group activities and efforts I would be marking and that I needed to see his input within the group. There was no way I could excuse him from the group activities in the module, however I could see he was not going to budge and therefore complied with his demand to work on the project alone. All the students in my class had been assigned to their groups and I did check in with all of them on a weekly basis. This one guy was steadfastly refusing to work with the rest of his group and as I had complied with his request, he was working on his own project alone. In my interim feedback at the end of each stage I repeated that he really should work with the group or he risked a failing mark for the module. I made sure this feedback was sent to him both in hardcopy and also via email with read receipts which I kept. Cue the end of the module and the submission for marking. Sure enough, the one student submitted a project based just on his own work and had not engaged with the group he was asked to work with. There were several issues with his project, first and most important was it didn't meet the brief. The code simply didn't do what we asked for. He lost marks for that aspect of the project. As he had not worked with others in the group, he was not awarded any of the group marks allocated for the work. Because his code was so far away from the specification, I called him in for a Viva Voce to explain the code and he demonstrated a complete lack of understanding of the code he submitted, more marks dropped. His eventual mark for this assignment was a hard fail. He must now resit the entire module. There is of course one real downside of this whole thing that affects me. I've got him in my group again for the resit of the module.

I need this report earlier! So i work in a science lab, and normally we write up our results for the day around 2pm when all of the testing is done, we leave at 3:30. the bosses boss being mostly admin and managerial works 9-5 the bosses boss wants this report magically earlier in the day before were done with all of our testing, he walks into the lab holding one of the reports (this is paraphrased),"I need this earlier, you guys are always giving it to me after the days already over and I cant make any changes, I need to know whats going on sooner rather than later to make adjustments. 11 would be much better." I try explaining the reports done at 2 because thats when all of the numbers are in, if I do it earlier it wont be complete. he says back what will be missing?.... (this and this, i point to the sections) he says oh those arent important, we dont make changes based on those. So I ask him to send me an email as a reminder to me, and to the rest of the lab as well so they can make this change. "will do" He walks back down to his office and sends it. im floored. So I ask my direct boss and she smiles too knowing what would happen. For the full month we comply, but we leave 2 uninteresting numbers off the daily report every day simply because the numbers arent in yet, the testing hasnt been done, everyone in the lab is on board with this. so the end of the month comes around and the boss is looking to print out his monthly compliance report and he has a big empty section for two pages. he cant figure it out. all of us have left by 3:30, and what should be a simple 5minute print and hole punch job he does at the end of every month he has to go find where 2 points of data are kept. bosses boss was stuck staying late on the last day of the month to get the report in. my boss ignored his calls for a few hours but finally gave in around 7 to get back to him to tell him where he could find the numbers. (everything is labeled in the lab, he shouldve been able to resolve it himself) he was there till about 8 putting data in.

What body part grows ten times its size when stimulated? The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10. The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better

What do you call boobs that got a degree in science? Scientits.

I REALLY fixed the football jerseys A few days after I (F) graduated from high school (10+ years ago) I was helping my mom in her Family & Consumer Science Classroom. She was a teacher for 30+ years & through my whole childhood she was the teacher that was in her classroom until late at night because she had so much stuff to do all the time. That day the football coach appeared in her doorway to ask if she would fix the practice jerseys for the football team & bake him some cookies. Of course she said yes to fixing the jerseys (& laughed at the cookie request for the Nth time) then passed the task to me. Mr Coach was also the shop teacher so I had taken his classes. (This is back when "sewing was for girls" so we were treated terribly by the guys & the teacher let it happen even when we had to take the shop class) He would also ask me when my mom would make him cookies. And I mean ALL the time. I heard this request 100+ times. He would say it when I was in his class & my classmates would snicker. He would say this when he saw me in the hallway. It got SO old. He thought he was being funny all the time but I had just graduated & decided it was time for some payback. I had a big box of his football practice jerseys that were nothing but shredded chunks of mesh. I fixed them all. It took me more than a week. While I was at it I sewed all the head holes shut. Then I folded them nicely & staked them all in the box. I put the box on his desk. I asked my mom later if Mr Coach said anything about fixing the jerseys. She said no. Years later I asked her if he had ever asked her to fix his practice jerseys again. Also no! I finally confessed to my mom what I did & it was pretty obvious she had no idea. Thinking about it still makes me fell all warm & fuzzy inside. Edit: I'm not a bot/AI. I just finally joined reddit & don't know WTF I'm doing yet. This really did happen. I grew up in South Dakota & graduated from HS in the early 00s. I tried to post this story in petty revenge 1st but don't have enough commenting points yet.

How does a computer science major pick up chicks? Oh shit I thought this was google

An atheist runs in to a bear while hiking in the woods An atheist is hiking in the woods when suddenly a huge bear pops out from behind a bush. Right as the bear is about to attack, time freezes and god appears. God says, “you have spent your whole life as an atheist. But if you finally believe in me and become a Christian I will stop the bear from eating you.” The man say, “that’s really nice of you, but I don’t really believe in a higher power.” God: all you have to do is believe your eyes and accept me in your heart. Man: that’s just to hard for me to do. I mean science has already answered how we came about through evolution. Not only that, but with all the bad things happening in the world right now, it’s just too difficult to believe that there is a god. I’m sorry but I just can’t do it. God: are you sure? I will give you one more opportunity to believe in me. Man: as I said, not thanks. God: ok you have made your choice… Man: wait… how about you make the bear a Christian instead? And then he will have morals. God: very well. After god left, time restarted. The bear suddenly stopped and the man started to believe that his plan to save himself had worked. The bear knelt down. Bear: thank you god for this meal I am about to receive.

Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code This all happened about 20 years ago when I was in 7th grade (12-13 years old for those not in the US school systems). I remember this day vividly, as it was one of my most rebellious actions against authority I had done in my school years. My seventh grade science teacher was a curmudgeonly lady that we will call Mrs. Evans. Now, Mrs. Evans had no joys in her job of teaching preteens the foundations of science, but did enjoy sending students to the principal for minor infractions. An easy way of getting sent to the principal was through dress code violations. Throughout the entirety of the school year with her, I’d seen Mrs. Evans send no less than 75% of the class to principal’s office for dress code violation, with most being the girls in class wearing shirts that were “too revealing” because their shoulders were showing, with the others usually being something easily fixed like wearing a hat. I showed up to class in my standard outfit that I had been wearing up to that point in the school year, a t-shirt and jeans. However, being the outdoorsy kid I was, I had a slight tear on the knee of one of the pants legs. Mrs. Evans honed in on this slight tear, and instructed me that I would need to be wearing jeans without a tear in them for her to be able to teach her class without distraction, and to go to the principal if I was unable to do so. Being a smartass 13 year old, I decided to comply by going to my locker, getting my stapler out, and stapling the tear shut on my jeans. Upon return to class, this was not good enough for Mrs. Evans, Keeper of the Dress Code. She repeated her previous instruction, and said that if I returned without the torn jeans being replaced I was to go to the principal. Cue compliance #2: I went straight back to my locker, got a pair of scissors out, and cut off the entire leg of the jeans with the offending tear (much to my mother’s later dismay). Upon my re-return to class, Mrs. Evans was quite unhappy. The rest of the class was now properly distracted from her doing, much to her chagrin. But, Mrs. Evans was the Keeper of the Code for a reason one supposed. She cited a line in the school handbook stating “no frays on any clothing allowed”. This time, I was sent to the principal. I had never gotten in too much trouble in school, was in a lot of advanced placement courses, and played football and track for school, so my record was pretty clean. The principal was confused as to why I was sent, until I told him I’d just come from Mrs. Evans class, which told him enough after he saw one pant leg normal, with the other pant leg completely cut below the knee. He told me to please just wear my gym shorts and have this be the end of it. Cue compliance #3: I returned to class wearing my gym shorts for the day… wearing them over the offending jeans. Mrs. Evans, keeper of the code, decided this warranted a call to the principal from the class phone to report me and get me into further turmoil. However, I think the principal was just done with getting his time wasted that day. After Mrs. Evans got him on the phone and spoke her piece, there was a long silence while he assumably responded to her. She then hung up the phone, her face slightly flushed, and proceeded with the lesson. I never once got called out on any dress code violations by the Keeper of the Code for the remainder of my middle school years.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

Only buy from educational suppliers? Sounds good. Former teacher science department head here. We were told to use our budget only using specific science catalogs. We could not order off Amazon, or other websites, or even go to the grocery store. Granted, the science budget is higher than in other core subjects, but that’s because we use a lot of stuff and we have to clean a lot of things. So, we asked if we could buy some inexpensive stuff off Amazon and other websites, and even possibly go to the grocery store to get things for a reasonable price. We were told absolutely not, we needed to have a proper paper trail, and that would be done through only two specific science catalogues. OK, so we need paper towels. These are eighth grade students, so we need a lot of paper towels. In the grocery store, they may be a dollar, but in the science catalog, they’re about 4 to 5 dollars. I need 30 of them. So instead of $30, I’m spending $150. For paper towels. When that went through it raised quite a ruckus and suddenly we have a grocery store budget. And access to Amazon.

All in on Python... You got it! This might be a bit long but it needs some set up. TLDR: New manager decided that Python was the only language to be used in a C/C++/C# software team. Productivity drops to zero. Manager is no longer around. Preface: Please don't bash any programming language in the comments. This is not a post about the merits of various programming languages. It's just a story of what happened. I worked for a VERY long time at a small company that created some niche products. The company had a lot of scientists and engineers around to develop and refine the products this company made. Over the years, the people in the science and engineering departments changed but I still stuck around. They paid well and I got a lot of time off. I also only had to work 40 hours per week, which was nice. My job in software was to support the production of equipment. I wrote custom software that calibrated and configured the devices. At the click of a button someone could run the software with minimal human interaction needed. When I started I was the only developer. By the time I left, there were four developers. That should give you an idea about the size of the company. Not large. But profitable. At the beginning of my time at the company, each piece of software was originally developed by a scientist or engineer. Each and every one had their own pet language they preferred to use. They would start the software and, when they felt that it was ready for prime time, they would hand it off to me. I would then make it actually ready for use. This included things like error handling and streamlining the user experience. Also finding the massive amount of bugs that were in the code. This also meant that originally the company used dozens of different programming languages. Towards the end of my time with the company, they had decided they were going to mostly focus on Windows computers. So we used primarily C derivatives (C, C++, C#) and web technology (Javascript, HTML, CSS, PHP). There were other languages floating around but this is what we mostly used. All four of us were proficient in these languages and I was the only one that could handle the edge cases of old programs from before this consolidation. By the time of this story, we had been using these languages for nearly a decade. For most of my time at the company, we had worked under the Engineering department for a person that wasn't really a software manager. So we were left to run ourselves. One day the company decided they needed to hire an actual Software manager. So they found one that came with excellent credentials. He had a lot of experience managing software teams. He actually came in and didn't change things right away, for which I was grateful and held out hope that it would all work out. Then came the fateful day. One day he pulled us all into a conference room and told us that company would be making a shift. One of the scientists was complaining that they couldn't understand the software we were writing and needed to be able to edit it. So, instead of teaching the scientist C and such, we were going to, shift 100% of all new code to Python. Starting immediately. Any new code written needed to be in Python. I brought up the fact that none of us knew Python. I was told that we could take classes in our own time on our own dime if we wanted. I pointed out that learning a new language would slow down our delivery of software. Python isn't hard so I had no doubt we could get there. But we had libraries written of common code that we just plugged in when needed. None of those could be used. In fact, we had to figure out how to plug Python into existing programs that needed updates. Any updates had to be done in Python. And, not only that, all our code had to be "Pythonic". Meaning that it had to be done in the proper way for Python and not utilizing techniques that would technically work in Python but weren't necessarily the "correct" way in Python. Any code we did write had to be submitted to the complaining scientist to verify that it was "Pythonic". Which most of it wasn't. So, we did exactly as we were told. All of us stopped writing in any language except Python. Everyone stopped working and started writing very simple programs to figure out how Python worked. I was working on a plug-in for an existing program to try and resolve some U/I issues. However, I really struggled with this because the U/I was written in C# and the new code had to be in Python. When I brought this up, I was rebuffed and told it MUST be done in Python. So I was trying to figure out how to change an existing C# U/I by using new Python code. Our productivity dropped to zero. Not a single bit of software made it to production for the few months this manager was around. After a few months of nothing at all getting done, he decided to leave the company to pursue other opportunities. We weren't told that they fired him. But I'm sure that's what happened. Af

At the Enclosure we liked to call him John, even if he would never know that name, nor science or art or language, or the faces of his biological, non-chimp parents. Only now as he stands over me erect and panting, having killed or castrated all the male scientists, do I realize my son should never have become my experiment.

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?" The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

​The Science of Sound

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver (who looks a bit like him): ’I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!’ The driver agrees: ’You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.’ ’ That's a great idea!’ says Einstein. ‘Let's switch places then!’ So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, sits back and enjoys the deception. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So he stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says: ’Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me.’

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe... ...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child! The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation... ... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead. A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment. Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle. Instead of his lost arm, they gave him an arm from a gorilla. Instead of his lost penis, they gave him an elephant trunk. A month after surgery, he had a checkup to see if there was any rejection or whatnot. And since this was a medical science breakthough, there were a lot of interested doctors that had come to see what had happened. The surgeon who performed the transplant asked the man how his eye had worked? The man says "Oh, it's great! My vision has improved a lot. I can spot people miles away, and I find anything I'm looking for without any problems." "How has the gorilla arm woked for you?" "It's great! It really helps me at work lifting heavy things, and I am more popular; When the guys want to arm wrestle, I win every time, and it also seems to attract the ladies as well!" "Alright, how has the elephant trunk worked out for you then?" "Well, I don't want to complain or anything, but it keeps trying to stuff grass into my arse..." *ed: speling*

How many redditors does it take to answer an /r/askscience question? [deleted]

An American spy decided to give himself up to the Soviet authorities. Coming across the first KGB office building he could find, he entered, went past the reception desk, entered the first office he could find, and introduced himself. "Good afternoon, I'm an American spy," he said before he was cut off. "My apologies, but this office is for internal affairs only," they said. "We process double agents and defectors here. You'll want to go to the east wing, take the first right there, and go to the door at the end of the hall." He walked to the east wing, following their instructions until he reached the office. There, he opened the door and once again introduced himself. "Good afternoon, I'm an American spy. My conscience is torturing me, so I've decided to give myself up." "An American, you say?" they asked him. "We only deal with Englishmen. Go down the hall until you come to the second door on the left. Ask for Colonel Muchin." "Good afternoon, I'm an American spy," he said after entering Muchin's office. "I was dropped by parachute into Soviet territory—" "By parachute?" the Colonel interrupted. "That's not my jurisdiction. The only spies I handle are American frogmen. You should be in the other ward, across the way on the third floor at Room 1223." The American wandered around the building until he finally found the room he needed. He stopped to catch his breath before entering. "Good afternoon, I'm an American spy dropped from a plane to blow up a bridge of strategic—" "No, no, no," they told him. "We have nothing to do with explosive specialists. We only handle photography of military bases and missile silos. You'll want to head to that little building in the courtyard. There's an entrance in the street." He got up, slowly walking to the next office, clearly tired. Before he entered the courtyard office, he bought a glass of soda with syrup from a nearby vending machine before drinking it and setting the glass back. Then he entered the office, introducing himself yet again. "Good afternoon, I'm an American spy dropped from a plane to blow up a bridge of strategic importance," he said. "It's one of the bridges across the Volga." "Not my jurisdiction, I'm afraid," they replied. "I handle matters with the Moskva, not the Volga. You'll want to go back inside the main building and head to the top floor, then go to the furthest office on the left." He went back in, heading up to the top floor. By the time he reached it, he was exhausted and dragging himself to the office. Opening the door, he stumbled inside. "Good evening," he blurted out. "I'm...an American spy...dropped from a plane...to blow up a bridge...across the Volga...of strategic importance..." "Oh, to hell with it!" the head of the office cried, throwing his hand down in annoyance. "No one gives me any time to finish my annual report! Well, why did you roll in here, anyway? You've been given a mission, so carry it out!"

A computer science student... ...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note. The first student tried to grab it back. “You can’t see that, it’s private!” The second student protested, “But we’re in the same class”

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?" "Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

"i" before "e" except after "c" was disproven by science

In a grading system of A+, A, B+, B.....so on, I think for computer science student grade 'B' should be called 'C++'

I before E except after C has been disproven by science

What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals? Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.

The 6th grade science teacher The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Going to Italy A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. "With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A Sea Story A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science 0: Naming things 1: Cache invalidation 2: Off by one errors

Best Computer Science Joke! A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts. "Hey!" she says. "Those are private!" The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

A Free Trip to Italy A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.” With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?” asked the captain. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .” “I see,” the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.” “He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”'... A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”' The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.” The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

A science graduate asks the question why? A science graduate asks the question why? An engineering graduate asks the question how? An arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Four Majors... The science major asks "Why does it work?" The engineering major asks "How does it work?" The business major asks "How much will it cost?" The liberal arts major asks "Do you want fries with that?"

I asked my friend to stop making dumb science jokes. he told me to "fluorine, uranium, carbon, potassium, oxygen, fluorine, fluorine."

One, day little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy where do i come from?" The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time. "Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..." After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child, "Well son, does that answer your question?" "Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."

A Greek and an Italian... are arguing the virtues of their respective cultures in antiquity. The Greek says, "Us Greeks had great armies and built a great empire that expanded throughout the Mediterranean and Asia Minor." The Italian says, "And the Romans had greater armies and a much bigger empire, encompassing most of Europe and parts of Asia and Africa." The Greek says, "But the Greeks made great advances in art and philosophy!" And the Italian says, "Yes, and the Romans made even greater advances in architecture and science!" The Greek is getting frustrated now, and blurts out, "Well, we discovered the pleasures of love and sex!" The Italian responds, "Yeah, but we introduced the concept to women." Edit: Formatting

How to put 7 holes in 1 hole? Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole. Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer. "Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero." "This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children. The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?" "Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

Science Jokes A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar." The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do." An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar." The infectious disease says, "well, you're not a very good host!" Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here." The bacteria say, "but we work here! We're staff." Some helium gas drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gases in this bar." The helium doesn't react. A room-temperature walks into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve superconductors here." The superconductor leaves without offering any resistance. A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve neutrinos here." The neutrino says, "that's okay, I'm just passing through." I stole these from Brian Mallow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-iP5dh54T8

The science teacher asked the student at the back of the room, "What weighs more, 454 grams of apples or 454 grams of oranges?" The student said, "I don't care."

How do you hide money from a Republican? Put it in a science textbook.

Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are driving together in a car. A cop pulls them over. Heisenberg, Schroedinger, and Ohm are driving together in a car. A cop pulls them over. "Do you know how fast you were going back there?" the cop asks. "No, but I know exactly where we are," replies Heisenberg. "I clocked you going 85 mph," says the cop. Heisenberg bangs the steering wheel. "Now we're lost!" The cop gets suspicious. He searches the car. "Hey, do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?" "We do now, you jerk!" exclaims Schroedinger. The cop decides to arrest the men. Ohm resists. xposted from r/Sciencehumour

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke) A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry." So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics." So the student later takes a quantum mechanics course and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment? They have a big carbon footprint...

My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor. Imagine my surprise when a girl with a penis appeared.

A science experiment. In a science class, 3 worms were placed into 3 separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of whisky. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in whisky ---dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead. The third worm in soil --- alive!! So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment?" Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink and smoke , you won't have worms inside you."

A genius high school chemistry student takes a test A genius high school chemistry student takes a test, gets his score back, and is dismayed to find that he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his University of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was "how many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have?" In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2. Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach, and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a brass oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface a genie suddenly appears! The genie thunders, "I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?" The student immediately replies, "I wish I had gotten that question right," and the universe explodes. **x-post from r/ScienceHumour**

Medical science still doesn't have a cure for premature ejaculation, but researchers say it's coming quickly.

The Albino and the Black Sheep A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance. Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.

What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

A man dies and goes to hell... A man dies and goes to hell. As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. Joe, he replies. Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level. Oh, it won't be that bad then, joe replies. Joe, that's the hottest level because heat rises. You'd know that if you studied for your test.

So a man is sitting on a plane... And he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in the aisle. He gets excited as he realizes she is coming to sit down in the seat beside him. The most beautiful woman he's ever seen is coming to sit down beside him! Once the woman sits they wait in silence for a moment before beginning to have some small talk. "Hello..." the man uttered. "Hi there! I'm Mary Jameson. Nice to meet you. I'm a sexologist." The man was bewildered by her willingness to let him know her profession. "Well..." the man said, "what does a... sexologist do?" "I study the science of sex." Ecstatic, the man couldn't help but ask for more. "Such as?" "Well, for starters," the woman began, "it's a common misconception that black men are the best at what they do. It's actually the Native Americans such as the Cherokee or the Sioux." "I see" said the man, anxious for more, "anything else?" "Another mistake people make is thinking the French are the best lovers. It's actually the Irish who are the most intimate." The woman paused. "Oh how rude of me, I've been talking to you and I haven't bothered to ask your name!" The man outstretched his arm and replied... "The name's Tanto. Tanto O'Sullivan."

The one to your dumb friend... A guy sees an ad on the window of a store with the words "Selling brains". Curious, he walks in and asks the shopkeeper what kind of brains he's selling. Shopkeeper: "I've got Einstein's brain who won a Nobel Prize and discovered the Universe's secret equation. He was the world most brilhant physicist. I can sell it for 3k." Guy: "What about that one?" SK: " That's the brain of Galileu Galilei. He was the great astronomer who supported that the Earth revolves around the Sun. He was the father of modern science. It's worth 2k." Guy: "And what about that one?" SK: "That's the brain of [*random friend*] . It costs 20k." Guy: "20k?!? That's a lot! Why is it worth that much?" SK: "Well, it has never been used." Edit: Formatting

Hear are sum morre punny science jokes How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically. Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si. The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction. Chemistry puns Im in my element. What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon! Edit 1 just thought of this. What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make? BaCoN

Science flies you to the moon Religion flies you into buildings

I was taking a biology test a few years ago Science was never my strong point and I was totally stumped on the following question: "What are two things commonly found in cells?" I went to go and copy from the guy sitting next to me, but I decided "niggers and addicts" probably wasn't the right answer.

A science teacher stood in the front of the class and asked... "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

When I die I want my body to be donated to science Specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

I am completely outraged by JJ Abrahms saying the next Star Wars will have an openly gay character in his science fiction franchise Star wars is Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction

What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say to pickup a lady? "Hey, would you like to get astro physical with my dark matter?" Edit: I hope Neil sees this. That's my dream. I love everything he has done for the science community.

Religion or science? Science flies you to the moon, Religion flies you into buildings

They say there's no opinions in science But I've seen people get real heated over thermochemistry And they really melt down when you bring up nuclear engineering Have you seen how twisted people get when it comes to DNA? Cartography is the worst, people are just all over the map You should see how hormonal people get about endocrinology You can really feel the pressure in the room when someone brings up hydraulics.

A sciencey joke for y'all. An American nuclear engineer is talking with a Japanese nuclear engineer about a new material they're planning on using for gamma radiation shielding. The Japanese engineer asks if he can see it in action, so the American takes a piece of iron about 3 inches thick and puts in front of a gamma source. The American pulls up the data for the counts detected by the gamma detector on the other side of the iron. The American says, "So, on a scale of one to ten, we'll call iron's shielding capabilities about a seven." The American then takes away the iron and puts a 3-inch plate of lead in front of the gamma source. He once again allows the system to collect data, and after the same amount of time, shows the Japanese engineer how the counts have gone down significantly. The American engineer says, "We'll say that's about a nine." Finally, the American engineer replaces the lead with a 3-inch thick slab of their newly-developed material, and allows the test to run for the same amount of time. When he shows the data to the Japanese engineer, the counts are almost zero--far below the counts recorded for lead. The Japanese engineer, astonished, asks, "So what do we call that?" The American responds, "A ten, you Asian." Edit: It works better if you read it aloud.

A young computer science student is on the phone with his father... His father says: "so how have your classes been going?" The son replies: "not bad. I did really well on my test on hexadecimal today! It was only worth fifteen points, but I'm still happy about it." "Oh yeah? What grade did you get?" "An F!"

After a long consideration I have decided to donate my body to science because I need room in my freezer.

My science test was like Jesus and the Cross... I fucking nailed it. Ok, I'll go now.

When I die I want my body to be donated to science ...but more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

How do you get to a position of power in a science lab? Work over time

A 9-year-old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string... He walks up to the pimp, slaps $100 dollars down and shouts "I want a girl!" The pimp looks down at the boy, slightly amused, and politely tells him to go back home. The boy then takes out $1000 dollars, slaps it down and shouts even louder "I want a girl with Herpes!" Now the pimp is really confused and conflicted. First of all, he had never seen anyone ask for a girl with herpes and second of all where did this kid get all this money. But his conscience wins out and he insists that the boy return home. The boy then takes out $5000 dollars, slaps it down and declares: "I want a girl with extra, extra herpes." At this point the pimp is dumbfounded, the businessman in him gives in and he hooks the poor kid up with his most herpes laden girl. As the boy is walking out of the whorehouse with a proud smile on his face, the pimp asks: "Why did you want a girl with herpes?" The boy replies with a coy smile: "When I go home I'm going to have sex with my babysitter. Then, later tonight, when my dad takes her home, hes going to have sex with her too. After he gets back home, my dad is going to have sex with my mom. Then tomorrow while my dad's at work, my mom is going to have sex with the mailman. And he's the douchebag that ran over my frog."

If Isaac Newton discovered gravity Why isn't he in the credits? (Crossposted from /r/shittyaskscience)

Can anyone help me with starting a rocket science club at school? I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.

What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties? A dic-tater.

A programming joke There are three hard problems in computer concurrency. science. Cache invalidation, naming things, off-by-one errors, and

Best science jokes I need a great list of the dorkiest geekiest nerdiest science jokes ever. Here's one to start you off: Why was Heisenberg a terrible lover? Because when he had the time, he didn't have the energy. And when he had the energy he didn't have the time

Two guys were working at a sawmill... Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!" Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday." The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

I would talk about computer science... But it makes my mother board

Bon voyage... A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

I got mugged yesterday... The mugger said, “Give me your money or you’re science.” I said, “Don’t you mean history?” He said, “Don’t try and change the subject.”

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26) Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days. Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?" Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants. In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station. Bad news, a marijuana tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over. In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave. And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills". Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.

Science jokes Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below. Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it. Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic? A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out. Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

My Science Book's Favorite Joke Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. They find a beautiful spot and set up their tent. After a full day of enjoying nature, they go into their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes Watson and says, "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson is awestruck. After a moment, he says, "I see countless stars." Mr. Holmes replies, "What does that tell you?" Watson considers for a moment and says, "It tells me that the universe is vast, and it will probably take us several lifetimes to gain even a small amount of understanding as to how it functions and what our place in it is." Holmes asks, "Anything else?" Watson thinks for a moment and says, "Based on the position of the stars, I would say that it is approximately two o'clock in the morning." Once again, Mr. Holmes asks, "Anything else?" Desperate now, Watson replies, "Because the sky is so clear, we will probably have a beautiful day tomorrow." Once again, Mr. Holmes asks, "Anything else?" Frustrated, Mr. Watson says, "I can't think of anything else. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment and then says, "Someone has stolen our tent."

How do you get the political science grad off your lawn? Pay for the pizza

The sport of choice ... After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The more money you make, the smaller your balls become.

I'd love to tell you a science joke... ...but all the good ones argon.