50+ Samurai Jokes

The Jewish Samurai There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals... The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want". The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably killed himself through 'hara-kiri'. All of a sudden the guy from Boston took a sharp rock and started stabbing himself all over his face and body. The tribe leader gasped and said "what are you doing! That's the longest and most painful way of killing yourself!" "Yeah well fuck you and your canoe!"

Sam Loved Ninjas Little Sam loved ninjas. He'd think about them all day and watch ninja movies all night. He had a ninja costume, throwing stars, the whole shebang. One day he's playing around and whacks himself in the eye with a nunchuck, he runs downstairs to his mum bawling "Mummy mummy mummy look what happened!." She sees the welt on her little boy's face and freaks out "Oh my god sam! Your eye!" Suddenly Sam stops crying, looks up and says "For the thousandth time mum, I'm not a samurai, I'm a fucking ninja."

A Japanese shogun is looking for a new samurai. He summons three swordsmen, one of them Jewish, to his palace to showcase their skills. The first swordsman stands before the shogun with a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, a small box. When he opens the box, a fly flies out. With one swing of his sword, the fly is dead. The second swordsman again brings a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, an even smaller fly comes out, and he kills it with one swing. The shogun is impressed. At last, the Jewish swordsman walks up. He is also carrying a sword and a small box. He opens the box and an even smaller fly comes out. He swings his sword around many times, but it doesn't seem to affect the fly. "I am disappointed," says the shogun. "You didn't kill the fly." The Jew replies, "A circumcision is not meant to kill."

A Jewish Samurai [Long] Once upon a time there was a competition in Japan to decide who would be the new head samurai. There were 3 contestants, A Jewish Samurai, and Christian Samurai, and a Muslim Samurai. The emperor of Japan says to the Muslim Samurai to go first, so, The Muslim Samurai spots a bee and slices it clean in half. Next, the emperor asks the Christian Samurai to go. The Christian Samurai spots another bee and slices the bee's wings clean off. Finally, The emperor asks the Jewish Samurai to go. The Jewish Samurai spots a bee and slashes quickly through the air, but it seems like no visible damage has been done to the bee. The emperor says "You clearly have missed, the bee is alive and flying well" And the Jewish Samurai responds "Of course the bee is fine, circumcision isn't fatal".

A Chinese Samurai, a Japanese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai... There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! “The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword. The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect halves. The Emperor and the people of his court applaud. The second samurai, of middle-age, comes out on stage. Again, the boy releases a fly, and it buzzes toward the samurai. In a blink the katana slices through the air and returns to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage, and the boy rushes to it, excitedly exclaiming: "The fly lives, but the samurai removed its wings!" The Emperor and the people of his court applaud and cheer in wonder. The third samurai, the eldest and most respected in the service of the Emperor, walks onto the stage. The boy opens the final box, and the fly travels toward the samurai. With the sing of metal, in one fluid motion, the old samurai draws and returns his sword to its sheath. And the fly keeps buzzing through the air. The Emperor and the people of his court turn to each other with embarrassment on their faces. The Emperor sighs, thinking his most faithful servant has finally lost a duel: to Father Time. But then the samurai speaks: "Friends, I have done something terrible. That fly will never have children."

Why did the bride's best friend become a Samurai... because she was made of honour.

Little Sam loves ninjas He has a ninja costume, throwing stars, the whole shebang. One day he's playing and whacks himself in the eye with a nunchuck. He runs downstairs to his mum, bawling. "Mummy, look what happened!" She sees the welt and screams, "Sam, your eye!" Sam stops crying, looks up and says, "For the thousandth time, Mum. I'm not a samurai, I'm a fucking ninja"

(real news) In Virginia, a man stole a samurai sword from a store by hiding it in his pants. He later denied having the sword, telling police he *was* just glad to see them.

The New Samurai The head samurai of Japan has died, the Emperor is searching for a replacement. He puts out word that all should try out to become the next head of the samurai. 3 men show up, a Samurai from China, a Swordsman from Mongolia and a Jewish samurai. The emperor greats the Chinese samurai and tell him to show his skills. He opens a small wooden box releasing a fly. He proceeds to slice the fly in half. The emperor is impressed and calls upon the Mongolian samurai. The Mongolian also opens a wooden box, releasing a fly and with 2 swipes of the sword, quarters the fly. The Emperor, even more impressed, but calls upon the last samurai. The Jewish samurai opens a woods box, releases a fly, and takes one grand slice. But to the Emperor's disbelief the fly is still flying. He proclaims, "what is this? you could not hit the fly?" To which the Jewish Samurai replies, "anyone can slice a fly, but I have circumcised it".

Why are Japanese swordsmen great at taking meeting minutes? Because they know how to samurais.

Why are Samurai so easy to kill? There are only chinks in the armor

How do Japanese people ask for rice? Samurais?

Japanese Banking Crisis Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry. In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.

Why is Forrest Gump as a young boy without his leg braces like a Samurai without a master? Because everywhere he went, he was Ronin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll see myself out...

One of the Funniest Jokes I've Heard Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?" And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."

European Knights vs Japanese Samurai Who would win in a fight between a European knight and a Japanese samurai? The knight because the samurai has a chink in his armor.

What do you call a group of sky diving samurai warriors? Ninjas With Altitude

(x-post from r/OnePiece) Why did the marines win marineford? Because Akainu had an Ace up his sleeve! X-post from r/onepiece courtesy of DrenchedSamuraiDog

What did the Samurai bring to the christmas party? Ninjabread men.

What do you call a blond who never took a shower A dirty blonde submissons by: laurajjenner, tisubanda, melissa427, rotadog, samuraikid2005, waugh6213, liongwilym, jennifer_ges_05, aceymartin, lilmrmexicanx3, bailey71263, bob

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF. A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position; 1. a Japanese Samurai 2. a Chinese Samurai 3. a Jewish Samurai (You snicker!? It is, apparently, possible!) The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!" The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

What's Samurai Jack's favorite fish? Swordfish

"Honey, we're out of bootleg DVDs, and Samurai swords." - Flea Market attendees.

Why did the samurai hate nonsense? Because he was a sensei.

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything. Ninja: So does a samurai sword. L: But does it make a cool noise? N: *cuts off Luke's other hand*

I just finished reading a scholarly book exploring the African American experience in samurai culture- I highly recommend it! It's titled, "Ninja, Please."

She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword

I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters. If you want, I can samurais it for you.

Why did the Samurais armor break? There was a chink in it.

What did the samurai do...? Q: What did the samurai do when he was dishonored by his inability to complete the crossword puzzle? A: He committed ritual sudoku.

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror] [ever so slightly later] ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

What do you call a bond...? *Note: This actually happened in my classroom just now Professor: What do you call bonds issued by a foreign entity in the canadian market, in canadian currency? Students: ... Professor: Maple Bonds. What do you call bonds issued by a foreign entity in the japanese market, in japanese currency? Students: ... Professor: Samurai Bonds. What do you call bonds issued by a foreign entity in the US market, in US currency? *One student slowly raises their hand, looks the professor dead in the eyes, and says loudly:* Obesity Bonds?