50+ Retirement Jokes

"If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." OK then. *I first wrote this four years ago for this sub, when a lot of you enjoyed it. I've re-written and updated/expanded it and corrected some mistakes. Enjoy. This took place around December 1992-January 1993.* I got a job as a security guard after leaving the Army, because I wasn't qualified to do much else, and I hadn't decided if I was going to college yet or not. The company refused to pay very much so they had high turnover. Because of the turnover, they had small raises built in at 90 days, six months and a year as an incentive to stay on. I needed a job, and until I had my shit together, this would do. So I showed up and worked. My one year anniversary rolls around and I don't see my 50 cents an hour raise in my paycheck, but something more like 35 cents. So I called the boss. My three and sixth month raises had been delivered with no issues, so I was surprised my one year anniversary hadn't shown up. Supposedly they wanted to give all employees a raise, so they did. And yes, I got a small raise, along with all the other guards - a few hundred of us. It was something like 35 cents an hour for each of us. Ok, fine, but what about my promised 50 cents an hour? As far as I was concerned, this 35 cents an hour was something you initiated, after promising me more, so this is bonus. When I called the manager, I was told I wasn't going to get a raise for my one year raise because, "You just got a raise. No one gets two raises at once. If your pay raise isn't enough, quit." In other words, they were trying to claim a 35 cent an hour raise for every employee somehow was over-riding the fact that I was owed an additional 50 cent an hour longevity raise. I'm sure there were others caught up like that. Fine. They want to give me 35 cents an hour of a raise and tell me that is equal to the 85 cents an hour? I'll find something better. I spent the next week calling in sick and showing up late while job hunting. Called the office at the end of my last day, and told them I was done and they could find someone else, giving them no notice at all. Panic mode ensued. Everyone else was at 40 hours for the week and they hated paying overtime. One of the salaried managers had to cover for me. They told me to quit, so I did. I'm a teacher now, near retirement. My raises are still shit. But at least I can (barely) live off of it and I have a (shitty) union for now, which is more than I had then. A few more cents an hour and they could have kept me as a wage slave. Crazy that I would even consider it now, looking back on it. At least I enjoy my job today, as crazy as the kids are.

Making them cold just seemed like the right thing to do. I used to work in a retirement village with a communal restaurant/dinning room. There was this awful family who despite being only a 15 minute drive away from the village would almost never visit their mother, we can call the mother Sam. Sam was kind. Sam's family were constantly neglecting to provide items such as clothing and most of Sams valuables had in my opinion been stolen by them. As they were the power of attorney for financial, personal and health matters nothing legally could be done apparently... Fast forward to a hot Australian Christmas day. The village is hosting a Christmas lunch for the old people who didn't manage to go out for the day. Family's were welcome but you had to book ahead. The invitation clearly said to "bring a jumper" as the AC was very cold to cater for the constant opening of the dinning room doors with guests coming and going. Naturally Sam's family failed to book a seat and had to be accommodated last minute. Naturally they were the only ones without a jumper. I got the privilege of finding them a place to sit so I dressed Sam in an extra warm nice outfit and set up the table under the big main AC vent. 10 minutes later Sam's annoyed son and daughter in law approached me and asked "can you please turn down the air conditioning it is too cold." "Yep no problem I can do that" I said. And I did. I turned that AC down and extra 4 degrees (I think to 16 degrees Celsius if memory serves). Sam's family left earlier than any other family and Sam was able to spend the rest of Christmas with people who spoke to her like she was a human being. Edit: Jumper = sweater or jersey. We also used jumper cables to warm up the old people until the age care commission decided it was a crime 😉

This is how bad the economy is: * My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. * Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries. * CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. * Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. * A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. * If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them. * McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer. * Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. * Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. * A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. * A picture is now only worth 200 words. * When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. * The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally…. * I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished… ok Most of these events happened years ago. A few of the details I only found out about recently. So there was a soldier we’ll call ‘Jo’. Jo and I were in the Army together. Jo was late for formation and unfortunately, other people had been late earlier that month so the chain of command was looking for someone to make an example of. Our Sergeant Major always said, “Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished”. SGM would go on about even if other people didn’t get caught or punished if you got caught you should be punished and eventually it would catch up with the other people… He would tell us this in formation all the time. So Jo ends up with extra duty and looses about $2,000 in pay. What I only found out recently and thought was karma turned out to be Jo’s malicious compliance. Turns out the Sergeant Major was having an affair with a woman in town who just so happened to be Jo’s cousin. Jo’s cousin sends Jo incriminating texts and pictures and Jo sends them to the Sergeant Major’s chain of command and wife. Adultery being a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Sergeant Major was forced to retire, career ENDED, finical loss projected at approximately half a million in retirement to the ex-wife. But in the end Jo followed Sergeant Major’s direction that, “Regardless of the circumstance if you did ‘it’ you should get punished”.

Alright, game on. I’m not sure this exactly malicious compliance, but here goes: As a military officer, it was required to apply to retire 12 months out from your retirement date. I was in what I would call a mid-level manager job. I had about 40 employees and we had a $500M annual budget for our program. My team was really great with very professional and competent people and rarely any issues. We performed really well. They would come to me with their issues and over time I saw patterns and we would fix them. For instance, one issue we solved saved the organization $64M over a four year period. We had a lot of other smaller wins (a few million here and there), but that was a biggie. My boss, who was bucking for General, was a jerk. For lots of reasons, but just a sour and unhappy person. About 7 months from my retirement in the following spring we decided to move my spouse and kids to my home town to be able to start the new school year. We had a house and just needed to move and get setup. I asked for three weeks and the boss would only give me two weeks. That only gave us a week and a half to get my family settled after the four day drive with kids, animals, etc. plus the furniture and everything to arrive just two days before I had to be on a plane back. So I was salty. Game on! I was prior enlisted and knew how to play the game by the book. It is important to note that I only missed about ten days of work in 23 years due to illness. Two things happened. No more multimillion dollar savings ideas that made the boss look good came out of my office and it was time for me to take care of stuff I neglected over the years. In regular meetings, when asked where the next savings was going to come from, it was always crickets. I knew I needed surgery for an injury I had and had some other medical issues I had been neglecting due to work and just life. I planned to take care of all that post retirement, as it would give me time to recover and figure out what I would do for a living because we couldn’t survive on just retirement. Since my boss wouldn’t let me get my family settled, it was time to take care of all my medical issue. I made medical appointments to get checked out for all my issues. I had two procedures that had me out of work for a week each. But the cherry on top was I got surgery the day before Thanksgiving and the doctor had me on convalescent leave for 4 weeks. When you are on leave like that, you have to have a form signed by your boss and it indicates the address where you will be taking that time to recover. Of course I used my hometown address so my wife could help me recover. Boss was pissed and tried to deny the leave. It went to our version of HR and they said he had to allow it. That made him even more pissed. In the end, I got to spend the holidays with my family across the country and only had about three weeks left on the job before taking my terminal leave (that he could not deny) when I returned. I didn’t want a ceremony or anything, I just rode off into the sunset.

When the metric becomes the target (a cautionary tale on being careful what you measure) This happened about eight years ago, when I was still working for a North American class 1 railroad. I worked in IT, specifically in a department whose primary role was to generate metrics and regulatory reporting (for the Surface Transportation Board and their ilk). Most of our measures were inward-facing, though, covering such things as volume, dwell, revenue, and productivity. This story involves a problematic dashboard in the last category – specifically, a measure of the productivity of our unionized office workers. The managers loved it because it gave them a weekly graph of who needed corrective punishment for under-performing. Our toxic CEO of the day was all about punishment. They even had quotas to meet. It was in regards to this last one that (I'll call him B) made the short walk across to our building so that he could ask me about the metric. He'd just come from an uncomfortable meeting with his direct manager who showed him how he was the lowest-performing employee on their graph. By a wide margin. His manager told him to pick up the pace, or he'd face potential repercussions, possibly even a one-week suspension. B came to me because he knew I had access to the back-end of the metrics, and he wanted to know what they were measuring him on because he was never *not* busy. Some important background on B is that he was a very senior, conscientious employee. He had as much experience as the rest of his group combined, and he came to me because we went back about 20 years from my time in the union before I moved to IT. The job of their group was to "work the queue" – that is, go into the failure queue of events that had cacked for one reason or another, resolve the issue, and allow the automated functions to flow properly. A couple of trivial examples would be a train lift failing because the cars had not been properly reported into the customer's track or, conversely, they'd been reported in, but the customer had not electronically released them out yet. Because he had so much experience, B took it upon himself to hand-pick the really messy, time-consuming ones from the queue; ones where somebody had back-dated events, and it took some faffing about to figure out what was wrong, and what needed to be fixed. Or where a conductor took all the paperwork home and forgot to update this tablet with the switching that he'd done. Basically, if it was something that might require phone calls and deep research, he would deal with it rather than let inexperienced folks struggle with it. I pulled up a pre-production version of the dashboard and scrolled through the source code to find the important bits. We discovered that it was looking for clusters of specific event types reported under an employee's User ID with at least a two-minute gap between the clusters. He was puzzled over the last requirement, but I explained that it was so that a single train being processed would only count as one event. It might take a few minutes to fix the train, but the reporting was at the car level, and as long as no more than two minutes elapsed between the report on one car and the next, it would all count as a single incident to the dashboard. "So, it doesn't look at how many records you handle, only that they happen more than two minutes apart?" He paused for a moment before adding, "That's *really* dumb. They don't care about complexity? They're seriously just counting how many times a person clicks OKAY? Somebody could game that pretty easily if they wanted. Hm." He walked away without saying anything else, but I could see the mental gears turning. He came back to me a couple of weeks later to give me the good news. He'd gone from being the most under-performing person in his group to being their top employee by just as big a margin. "It's great," he told me. "Forget all the complicated shit – I'm just grabbing the biggest trains from the queue. I work one screen of cars, then sit back and drink my coffee for exactly three minutes before I process the next. I finally have time to complete the crossword puzzle in my paper. Sadly, the company attributed his miraculous turn-around to their draconian discipline practices, and never clued in that while their numbers went up, their actual productivity had tanked a bit. The only real consequence to him was that his job became a lot easier, and he got to slide into retirement on a high note.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… \- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail. \- CEO's are now playing miniature golf. \- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. \- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. \- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. \- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. \- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. \- A picture is now only worth 200 words. \- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. \- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty And finally... \- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. PS: Source - Unknown PPS: Reposting after three years…what would we joke about differently?

An Elderly Couple An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village. About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank. The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?" Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Starting salary. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

My old boss used to work at a job where he loaded boxcars. I don't know how universal this is, but for the specific factory yard they were working in, they had a particular way of making sure loads wouldn't shift in transit; they would pack all the empty space with custom-cut cardboard structures or boxes. One day though, they were told they had a new reporting requirement; they would have to take a *picture* of each boxcar with the door open, after packing it, and those pictures would have to be submitted to some federal agency or other. Like, honestly I can see some good reasons for wanting people to take those pictures, but I guess at the time it just seemed dumb as Hell to my boss and his boss at the time, because the point was to make sure they were doing it right, but even with the door open, you could only see a tiny fraction of the boxcar. He was going to roll with it, but his boss had something else in mind. So they load up the first box car post-regulation, and his boss gives him the camera, sets up the shot, then before giving the go-ahead to take the picture, he goes over to the box car and ***drops trou and moons the camera***. He did that for ***every fucking boxcar*** that day. Obviously the company fired him/"gave him an early retirement", since he was pretty close to retiring already. But they ***had*** to submit that batch of pictures for the day because they were the only pictures they had, and as far as that part goes, there was zero regulatory fallout, because the pictures were technically in compliance with the regulation. There just also happened to be a guy showing his whole ass and possibly other parts in every shot.

My uncle retired this week after being a lumberjack for 40 years. At his retirement party he said he knew that in his career, he cut down exactly 27,419 trees. I asked him how he knew, and he said, "Every time I cut down a tree, I keep a log."

Retirement bonus The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?'' The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR asks ... a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement. He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through lingerie on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it. He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"Fuck him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea

$125,000 Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Three Old Ladies Three elderly women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping for groceries in the old days, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, too, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Reaching the end of a job interview.. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Coming out of retirement A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana." "Good grief; is that where the job is?" "No sir; that's where the end of the line is right now."

A Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife said to Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years.” “How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word ‘appiness!”

The postman's last day The postman was retiring and on his final day, some people on his route decided to thank him by giving him gifts. On his last house on his route, a beautiful blonde lady comes out and asks if he'd like to come in with her. The postman agrees and he ends up spending the night with her. He wakes up the next morning to see her cooking breakfast for him. He eats but when he finishes his coffee he sees a dollar bill at the bottom of the cup. He asks her about it and she replies:: "Oh, when I told my husband we should do something for your retirement, he told me 'Fuck'em, give'em a dollar!'." The blonde turns and smiles to the postman, "Breakfast was my idea!"

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.

My Sight A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try." "That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help." "He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife. The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" he asked. "Where did what go?" Edit: I Improved the formatting and changed the last line

Three Old Men Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm 75 years old. Every morning at 7:00, I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm 80 years old. Every morning at 8:00, I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas, I'm 90 years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 sharp I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra? To keep them from rolling out of bed

A Postman's Last Day A Postman, after years on the same route, was on his last day before retirement. He was cherished by all on his route. And every door was one gift after another, celebrating the beloved postman. He received gift after gift. Then coming up to another home on the route, he sees a blonde in sexy lingerie. She invites him inside, gives him the best sex of his life. And then serves him breakfast. Afterwards, he sees a twenty beside him on the table. The postman, confused, asks, "What did I do to deserve all of this?" The blonde looks at him and says "Well I told my husband last night you were retiring, and I asked him what I should get you, and he said 'Fuck him. Give him a a twenty or something.' But breakfast was my idea."

The blonde and the mailman A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door. "I hear you're retiring," she says. "Yes, ma'am. I'm turning 65, so it's time for me to enjoy my golden years." "I see," says the blonde. "Well... would you like to come upstairs with me?" So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they're done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way. That afternoon she's having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning. Her friend is aghast. "Why in the world would you do something like that?" "It was my husband's idea." "Your husband's???" "Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar'."

Retirement (sorry) ! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

An old man and his wife go to the fair... *Sorry for long post, but it's worth it* They come across a stunt helicopter ride. The old man watches in awe as this helicopter does flips and various other tricks. "I'd love to go do that!" Says the man. "But dear," says his wife "it's $50 and I want our retirement money to last" "You're right honey." And the man leaves. They go the the fair again the following year. Again, the helicopter ride is there. The old man looks at his wife with longing in his eyes. "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks" says his wife. He hangs his head and they leave. This goes on for a couple years and each time his wife says "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks" Then one year the helicopter pilot notice the couple and walks over to them "I've seen you two look at my ride every year and never get on it. Why not." "Well, sir, the price is a bit steep for our budget." "Well, in that case how about we make a deal?" The old man looks quizzically "I'll take you up there for free, but the catch is: you can't say a word. One yip or yell and you have to pay up." The man looks at his wife then back to the pilot "Deal." And his wife sighed. The old man had a blast. The ride made him feel like a kid again! It was amazing, but he didn't make one peep. Back on the ground, the pilot says "Wow, I really tried make you scream or say something, but you earned it fair and square." The old man shrugged "Yeah, I ALMOST said something when Ethel feel out, but...fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

First Jewish President The first Jewish president becomes elected in the United States. After a couple months in office, he decides to fly his mother up for a visit from her retirement home in Florida. A limo arrives at the mother's door to pick her up, and she is driven to the airport where Air Force One is waiting to fly her straight to Washington DC. Another limo picks her up from the D.C. airport, taking her to the White House. The gatekeeper at the White House, not knowing whom the guest is, exclaims to the mother, "Wow! you must know somebody very important to get special treatment like this!" "Well of course", the mother replies, "the president is brother to my son, the Doctor!"

Giving up golf Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?" "That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help." "He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife. So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asked Arthur. His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"

Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring... At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?" "Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

Steve the Mailman Steve the mailman is retiring and was making his last route. The first house he stopped at a little boy ran up and hugged him. The Boy's father then handed Steve an envelope full of money and said "I hope you have a good retirement my old friend" The second house he stopped at, an older couple opened the door and said "I heard you liked golf, so we decided to get you a new set of clubs." Steve took the clubs and thanked them and went on his way At the final house on his route a beautiful woman opened the door grabbed Steve and told him she had a gift for him. They went up to bedroom and Steve had the best sex he's ever had. The next morning Steve went downstairs to the smell of bacon and eggs. He sat down and started eating and it was delicious. He looked over at a cup of coffee the woman just laid down in front of him and noticed there was a dollar taped to it. Puzzled by this he asks the woman "You know, that sex was amazing, and this breakfast is delicious, but I need to ask you, why is there a dollar taped to my coffee?" The woman laughs and says "Well, the breakfast is a gift from me, but yesterday I asked my husband what to get you for your retirement and he told me "Fuck him, give him a dollar".

THE AGING EXPLORER A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

I'm trying to write a joke about retirement but it's not working

What do mathematicians call retirement? Aftermath

Reaching the end of a job interview, the .... Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

My wife woke me up all excited this morning... She said honey look at all the pounds I've lost. I told her that she was looking at our retirement account not her fitbit.

Salary Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Sam and Bessie Sam and Bessie were friends with benefits in their retirement community. One day, Sam and Bessie are sitting on the bench outside of the old folks' home. "Hey Bessie?" Sam asked. "Yeah, Sam?" Bessie replied. "Do you mind putting your hand on my penis?" He asked. "Sure," she said. Two days later, Bessie comes out of the retirement home and sees Sam sitting on the bench with Sadie, with her hand on his dick. Upset, Bessie approaches Sam later. "Is she prettier than me?" she asks. "No," he says. "Is she smarter? Funnier?" she asks. "No," he replies. "Then what does she have that I don't?" she asks. "Parkinson's," he says.

Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home... Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are." "How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred. "Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants." Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred unzips his pants, and Marie puts her hand in there and feels around for a few seconds. She pulls her hand out. "You're 93." she says. "That's amazing!" said Fred. "How on earth did you know that?" "You told me yesterday."

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day,and then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case!!

Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement? He's taking another stab at it.

He's going to fall down! A 90 year old man was in a retirement home. While sitting on a chair he started leaning to the left, so much that the nurse was afraid he would fall down. So she straighten him up and put a pillow on his left side to keep him up. Later he started leaning to the right. The nurse straighten him up again and put another pillow on that side too. Later the old man started leaning forwards, so the nurse put a pillow on his lap to keep him up. Later the old man's son came to visit. He asked "Hey Dad, how do you like this place?" "It's not bad", said the old man. "But this bitch won't let me fart."‎

Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

Moses and Jesus are standing on the bank of the Red Sea in their retirement Jesus turns to Moses and says, "Hey Moses, remember when you parted the Red Sea? That must've been amazing to see! So upset I missed it. Do you think you'd be able to do it again?" Moses blushed, "for you?! Of course!" So he stands up and hobbles over to the water and hit his staff on the ground. And nothing happened. He turns back to Jesus, a little embarassed, "Let me try that one more time.." He moves closer to the water and clears his throat, hits his staff on the ground, and says "Let my people go!" The water started to ripple and Moses smiled. "Here we go! Third time is the charm!" Hits his staff on the ground and bellows out, "let my people go!!" And the water parted! It only lasted a moment. Jesus started clapping and gave Moses a pat on the back once he say back down. Moses looked sheepishly to Jesus and said, "remember the time you walked on water? That was so amazing and would love to see it. Would you mind?" And Jesus smiled, "of course I wouldn't!" Jesus wanders to the waters edge and walks out into the water, sinking. He shook his head and came back out. This time, he pulled up his skirts and got a running start, but just sunk again. He turned to Moses, "third time worked for you!" And he runs out again, but sinks. Drenched, Jesus comes back to Moses and says, "yknow Moses, this was so much easier when I didn't have holes in my feet." I'll see you all in hell.

Happy Retirement My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes. When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and said, "Wow, officer! I didn't spend more than five minutes in the store! God would reward you if you made a kind gesture toward an old, retired man, such as myself." He completely ignored me and continued filling out the ticket. The truth is, I went a little overboard, so I apologized. The cop looked at me coldly and started to fill out a second ticket, saying that besides being double-parked, my license plate was crooked. I then raised my voice and called him every name in the book. He finished the second ticket and placed it under the windshield wiper. I didn't desist, and continued to insult him with all I had. To every insult, he smiled vengefully and filled out yet another ticket. After the fifteenth infraction, I told him, "I'm afraid I must leave you, officer - my bus has arrived!"

Husband and Wife A husband and wife are on their honeymoon and laying in bed the wife says, "I am so happy. We are going to have a wonderful life together. Is there anything I can do for you?" The man replies, "Please give me a blowjob." His wife quickly tells him, "I can't do that, honey. You wouldn't respect me." Every anniversary the wife asks the same question and every year the husband asks for head. Each time she replies, "I can't do that. You wouldn't respect me." Finally, on their 50th anniversary the husband says, "Look, we have spent 50 wonderful years together and raised a beautiful family. We are proud grandparents and both enjoying our retirement. Could you please give me a blowjob? It's all I ever wanted." The wife thinks about it for a moment and despite her worries of her husband not respecting her, she decides to do it. This blowjob was 50 years in the waiting and the man was thoroughly enjoying it. A few moments into it and the phone rings. The husband picks it up and looks down at his wife and hands the phone to her and says, "Here. It's for you, cocksucker."

An elderly man who just retired Went out and purchased a Porshe. He decided that he would go take his brand new car for a ride and see what it could do. As he was speeding around the country side he sped past a police car on the side of the road. The officer noticing him going well above the speed limit gave chase. The elderly man looking in his rear vision mirror noticed. Swearing he put his foot down easily outpacing the police car. Only one minute later the elderly man said to himself "what am I doing. This is no way to live my retirement I could get killed doing this" and proceed to pull over and wait for the police car to catch up. As the officer got out and asked for his Licence and registration the elderly man looked up and said "I'm very sorry officer I just retired today and purchased this new car, I was just trying to have fun" The officer thought for a moment and said " Look sir I do understand belive it or not today is my last day on the job as well. I tell you what if you can tell me a good reason for speeding off when I gave chase I will let you go." The old man thought for a moment and replied "Well officer you see my wife recently cheated on me with a police offer and left me. I saw you in my mirror and thought you were trying to give her back" the officer smiled and replied. "Have a good day sir"

Starting salary Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineering graduate said, "In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The HR person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a brand new BMW?" The engineering graduate sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal "I remember a time when Harass was two words.

he just loves golf Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replies the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I don't remember."

Bob and Francis lived in a retirement home together... They had quite a bond and would frequently hang out and spend time with each other. One of their favorite things to do would be to go out on the patio at night, gaze at the stares and reminisce on the good times. One night when they were on the patio Bob asked Francis if she would hold his penis while they talked. Not do anything beyond that, simply hold his penis and continue to talk. She was hesitant at first but obliged and she held his penis and they resumed talking as per usual. This started to be a nightly routine, Francis would hold Bob's penis on the patio and have pleasant conversation. Until one day Francis went out to the patio and Bob wasnt there. She looked in the lounge. Wasnt there. Went to the bingo room. Wasnt there. Finally she found Bob at the pool, and he was with Agnes!! Infuriated Francis asked Bob "What does Agnes have that I dont have?!" And Bob replied "Parkinson's"

M.I.T Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." -Techinverted

666 is the Number of the Beast This from Todd Lewis, who has a great sense of humor. We all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: * $666.95 - Retail price of the Beast * $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax * $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul * $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast * 6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast * 00666 - Zip code of the Beast * 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please. * Route 666 - Highway of the Beast * 666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast * 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast * 6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National Bank, $666 minimum deposit. * i66686 - CPU of the Beast * 666i - BMW of the Beast * DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast * 668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast * 2x4x666 - Lumber of the Beast

unbelievable job seeker Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Shovels, Asses and Camels Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

Adrian Peterson just announced his retirement from the NFL and will be joining the Minnesota Twins as a switch hitter. (Sorry, news was too depressing not to joke about it)

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement **JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it? **MOSES** Have it? **JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do. **MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it. Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly separates them. The lake parts and the boat sits between two enormous waves. Moses holds the water with extreme precision for a 10 count, and slams the waves back together. **JESUS** WOW! Not bad for an old timer. **MOSES** Well listen there J-Star, I wasn't gonna bring it up, but since you started it, do YOU still have it? **JESUS** Moses...... I'm Jesus Christ. OF COURSE I still have it. Fundamentally I have to have it or you can't have it, ya know? **MOSES** Well the shoreline is only about 50 feet, I suppose you could -- Before Moses can get the rest of his sentence out of his mouth, Jesus sets down his wine, casts off his robe, moves to the front of the boat, and takes his first step out into the water... *SPLASH* Jesus sinks like a stone. Not ever having to be much of a swimmer, Jesus flails to the surface of the water and Moses reaches overboard and hauls him back up. **MOSES** What happened ?!? **JESUS** Last time I did this, I didn't have holes in my feet!

The city's top donut baker announced his retirement today Apparently he'd grown tired of the hole business.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!

Job Interview to a Young Engineer Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

His wife left him. A man lived a struggled life. He worked for every dollar, had a wife that never appreciated his efforts and never even had a chance to smile. His wife left him at 40, and he continued to work hard until retirement, struggling to build his savings. At retirement, he had enough saved to buy the fancy car that he always wanted, so he thought "What the hell, you only live once!" He took the car out on the highway and quickly reached the speed limit. Unimpressed by the limit of the law, he increased his speed by 10, then another 10, and so on and so on. He was travelling at 70 over the speed limit when he noticed the red and blue lights and the siren in his rear view. When he came to a stop the policeman approached the vehicle looking a little frustrated. The policeman said "You were travelling at a hugely excessive speed. I could take your licence and your car on the spot if I wanted to. But you know what? It's my last day. I retire tomorrow. Therefore I'll give you one chance. Give me one good reason why I should let you off, and I will." The man didn't hesitate, and quickly exclaimed, "My wife left me for a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

Two old ladies are outside of their retirement home smoking. All of a sudden it starts to rain. The first lady pulls out a condom, snips off the tip, and puts it over here cigarette. The second lady asks why she did this. The first responds, "it keeps my cigarette from getting too wet." The next day, the second lady goes to her local 7-11 and asks the cashier for a box of condoms. The cashier is surprised due to her age, but asks "what size do you need?" The lady responds, "doesn't matter, as long as it can fit a Camel!"

Depression I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything that I called the Suicide Lifeline. I was forwarded to a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck...

Not part of the retirement plans. A man takes early retirement and leaves the big city for a crofter’s cottage in the Scottish Highlands. After a month of isolation he hears a knock on his door. He answers it and sees an enormous Scottish farmer standing outside. ‘I hear you’re new around here,’ says the farmer, ‘Yes, I am,’ replies the man. ‘I thought I’d introduce myself and ask you to a party I’m having,’ says the farmer. ‘That’s very nice. I’d love to come,’ says the man. ‘I’d better warn you there’ll be lots o’drinking,’ says the farmer. ‘I don’t mind, I like a drink,’ replies the man. ‘And nee doubt they’ll be a few fights breaking out,’ says the farmer. ‘That’s okay, I can take care of myself,’ replies the man. ‘And things get a bit frisky in the wee hours,’ says the farmer. ‘There’ll be lots of sex.’ ‘That’s fine by me,’ says the man. ‘I haven’t had any female company for a long time.’ ‘Och, there’ll be no lassies,’ says the farmer. ‘It’s just the two of us.'

One of the Best Retirement joke You cant control Your Self... An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you."

Job Interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Three elderly men at a retirement home were complaining to each other of their constipation issues The first one said "I wake up everyday for breakfast at seven in the morning and I can't take a piss until ten". The second man replied "You think you have it bad? I can't take a piss or a shit until the afternoon even with all the laxatives!". The third elderly man told the two "You think you two have it bad?! I piss and shit at eight in the morning!". "Well what's so bad about that?" They asked. "I usually wake up at nine".

An older gentlemen gets a new car with his retirement... Man: I don't have much longer living. Let's see what I can do! The man gets onto the highway and goes about 15 miles over the speed limit when he sees blue lights behind him. Man: As I do not have much longer, let's have fun! The man drives faster and faster while the cop stays right on his tail. The man reaches about 120 mph before he thinks. Man: What am I doing this is crazy! Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in prison? The man pulls over and the cop comes to his window. Officer: Sir, it's Friday and I have only a half an hour before my shift ends. If you tell me something that makes me laugh that I've never heard before, I'll let you slide. Man: Years ago my wife ran away with a police officer. I thought you were trying to bring her back. Officer: Have a good day sir.

America How to rescue the economy: Dear President Obama, Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations: 1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed. 3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed. All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

Retirement Home Donation A man is going from door to door. He stops at one house and knocks on the door. A man opens the door. The door-to-door salesman says, "Hello sir, today we're going door-to-door looking for those who might be interested in making a donation to the retirement home." "Sure, that sounds great!" exclaims the man. "Grandma, grab your coat!"

Alan Finkelkraut goes to Israel to die... Alan Finkelkraut, an upstanding member of the Teaneck Jewish community, upon his retirement at the age of 70 from the family furniture business decides that finally the time had come for him to make the move that he couldn't have before - to move to Israel where he can end his days. Over a smorgasbord of pickled herring and gefilte fish Alan Finkekraut announced his intentions to all his relatives and friends: "With my retirement the time has finally come for me to go to the land of my people. I'm going to Israel to die." With arched eyebrows and enthusiastic applause, the guests downed their brandies while looking at Alan with a mix of disbelief and envy. The very next day, Alan packed up all his belongings and found himself on the first flight to the Holy Land. When he returned six months later, the entire community was very surprised to see him. "Alan, what are you doing here?" they asked, "We thought you went to Israel to die?" "I did go to Israel to die. The only thing is, I can't *live* there.

Retired golf vacation in Hawaii... A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf. The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club. After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, they catch up to the party ahead of them and need to wait for them to finish the seventh before they can play it. A tall man with a beard tees off and hits his ball right into the water. His companions all hit their tee shots into the fairway. The retired man watches as the bearded man actually walks on to the water to find his ball. He can't believe his eyes. To the golf pro, he blurts out, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" The pro answers, "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods."

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).

An old man lives in a retirement home... An old man lives in a retirement home and realizes that he has only but a few years left to live. In the retirement home, all the other senior citizens realize they share the same fate. So, without much care, everyone is sexually active. Because they are old and close to death, they see no need to wear condoms and the home doesn't provide them. Eventually, STDs run rampant in the retirement home. The old man doesn't want to live with the discomfort of STDs, but he still wants to be sexually active like everybody else. He meets this nice old lady who seems to fancy him. So, to limit the risk of spreading a disease she satisfies him with handjobs. Unfortunately, she can't stroke his member because of the painful arthritis in her wrists, so she just sits there and holds his dong. The old man didn't seem to mind. After all, she was the prettiest woman in the retirement home, and he wasn't getting any diseases. But one day the nice old lady walks into the old man's room and catches him with another woman. She felt very betrayed. "How could you?! What does she have that I don't?!", she exclaims. "I'm sorry sweetheart, but she has Parkinson's."

Retirement Joke An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Three Elderly ladies are sitting on a bench outside of a retirement home... When suddenly a man wearing nothing except a trenchcoat walks by and gives them a quick flash. In awe, Lady number 1 had a stroke as he went by. Lady number 2 also had a stroke shortly after. Lady number 3 couldn't reach.

Some software developers were deciding on a retirement gift for a co-worker and decided to give him something reminiscent of all the work he'd done over the years. They treated him to a spaghetti dinner.

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!" A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and replies, "Close enough!"

Stretching those Retirement Dollars Shirley and Abe, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Shirley says, "Abe, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?" Abe says, "I don't care." A few minutes later Shirley says, "Abe, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" Abe says, "Your choice." A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Abe, love, shall I wear my five-carat pearl diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?" Abe says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."

Retirement As many of us know, 'Retirement' is different for everyone. One day, while driving to do some shopping, I passed by a newer retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her, "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," she said, "aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a yard sale..."

A rabbi is retiring... During his illustrious career, he had saved every foreskin from each circumcision he had performed. By the time of his retirement, he had collected hundreds of jars filled with preserved foreskins. Wanting to commemorate his retirement, he went to his friend, a taxidermist, to ask if he would craft something out of them. The taxidermist thought for a moment, and finally agreed. For weeks, he did his best to craft something memorable for the Rabbi. Finally, he returned to the Rabbi and showed him what he had created. The Rabbi opened the box and found a finely made wallet. Surprised, the Rabbi said, "All of that foreskin, and you could only make this small wallet?" "Well, yes..." said the taxidermist, "but if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase."

What's the best benefit of working for ISIS? early retirement

So a man is driving bus full of old people... ...who have to be moved to an entirely new retirement home. An old lady walks up to the bus driver while he's stopped for gas and says, "Excuse me, would you like these almonds?" The man looks at the can of almonds and says, "Sure!" Before long, he's eaten all of the almonds out of the can. Two hours later, another old woman approaches the driver and asks, "Would you like these almonds? My gums are too soft to chew these." The man says, "Sure, but why do you buy them if you can't chew them?" The old woman says, "Oh, we just like to lick the chocolate off of them..."

How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA. I'll see myself out.

How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement? Collecting stocks and bonds.

I asked my mother to get me a coke "What's the magic word?" She asked "Retirement home"

A retired Marine Chesty, a retired Marine, takes a job at a local hardware store for something to do in his retirement. He's been working there for about a month when his boss notices he's been late every single day. The boss walks over to Chesty and says "Chesty, you've been late every single day. If you can't make it to work on time tomorrow I'll have to fire you." The next day Chesty shows up ten minutes late and the boss says "Chesty like I said yesterday, if you can't make it to work on time I'll have to fire you. I just have to ask how you can always be late and have been in the military your whole life. What did they do when you were late?" Chesty says "They stood up and said Good Morning, General."

Geezer An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make an easy $500. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

They should make a tabletop game about space marines saving for retirement Call it Warhammer 401k

How do dogs save for retirement? With a Ruff IRA.

Jackpot! I'm working as a clerk in a retirement home's activity center. I notice Bob, one of our residents, is feeding a dollar into the change machine. "Jackpot!" he says as he collects his quarters. This goes on pretty much all day. Bob even came up and turned in about $100 worth of quarters into dollar bills throughout the day. Each and every time he'd feed in a dollar, we'd hear "Jackpot!" ring out with glee. It was awesome at first, seeing how excited he was, but it got a bit annoying towards the end of the day. He must have finally either emptied the machine, or gotten tired towards the end of my shift, as he finally stopped. The next day, when I came into work, I saw a tech working on the change machine. I asked him if anything was wrong. He says to me, "I would hope so. The damned thing has been giving out 8 quarters for every dollar!" Well played Bob!

Two old ladies were having tea together in a retirement home when a naked old man streaked past their room. "What in heavens name was that?" Said Dorothy. Fay replied, "I don't know, but it needed ironing!"

My Grandpa Raymond and his wife live in a retirement community for swingers. What are his favorite underwear made out of? Ray on Paulie's Ester

Gold chains would make a great retirement gift. For a VERY good slave.

18 Kids in the Family Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies. The other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'"