100+ Relationship Jokes

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.

@marleyfromcle "My husband is white and I'm black. I love being in an interracial relationship because I teach him about soul food and why Black Lives Matter; and he teaches me about filing taxes and showing up to places on time."

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.

Fuck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines: Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back. Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship? I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started going out. You and me love, we're like six balls in cricket. OVER! I'm leaving you on religious grounds. I've decided to become a Jew, and you're a fucking pig.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging. Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

She thought I was working that day. I was-just not at that store. This is pretty complicated so sorry it’s going to be long. TLDR at the bottom. In the early years of being a pharmacist, jobs in my city were hard to come by. I managed to get full time hours by working for a couple of pharmacist friends at both of their stores. They would work out my schedule together and put an X on my schedule on the days I was at the opposing store. One store was downtown and one was in the suburb I lived in. At the suburb pharmacy I had a coworker “Dee” who could just not wrap her brain around the fact that if there was an X by my name I was in fact working… just at the other store. Multiple times I would have call after call on my cell phone and hang ups on my answering machine at home because she wanted me to cover her shift at the suburb store when I was already working downtown. Worst thing was my cell phone charged me for every single call so after the second time of her pulling this I would get downtown and immediately pull the battery off my phone. This made her angry at me for “ignoring” her and we had a tepid relationship after that. Time went on and the suburb store started expanding their nursing home operation so I was able to work there full time instead. I still had a great relationship with the downtown store and they had me keep the keys in case of emergencies. They would occasionally come up and the X would be on the schedule by my name. Sadly Dee became the assistant manager and now thought she was “the boss” of me. Now downtown pharmacist’s daughter was getting married and suburb pharmacist was invited to all the festivities. I got scheduled to work the Thursday before at the downtown store. The X went by my name on the suburb schedule. I was also going to the wedding -I was good friends with the daughter but missing the Mendhi party on the Thursday I was working for her mum. I was on the phone with her on my break one time and she was saying how sorry she was I was missing it and I said “don’t worry I’ll just doodle brown sharpie all over my hands and pretend I was there when we aren’t busy”. Now at that exact week we were getting new pharmacy software downloaded. Nursing homes are run on a batch system where all the labels are run about 5 days before and then all the bubble packs are made up during that time and then the actual billing is done on the Thursday for the meds to be delivered Friday. Dee decided that she did not want the batch to be done and just wanted everything to be processed and made up on the Thursday for just this first week. My technician was freaking out so I just told her to make up the usual drug cards (Lipitor, aspirin 81, multivitamin, Altace etc) without any patient data just to help speed things along. Dee overheard and told the tech that she wasn’t allowed to do that and “this younger generation is just scared of hard work”. I panicked a bit because I was the only one of my age (gen X) as all my coworkers were boomer aged or older. I went and checked the schedule… yep there’s an X by my name…. I won’t be there for the sh*tshow but somehow Dee thinks I am? Why should I tell her any different. Thursday rolls around and at 12:30 my cell phone starts blowing up. It’s in my purse in the safe because I don’t get a lunch break (only pharmacist) and everyone can hear it. Out comes the battery. I get home after work and there’s screaming and swearing on my answering machine. A locum pharmacist worked the morning shift and wasn’t instructed to do anything so everything was left for Dee when she arrived at 12:30. She had to work late to finish over 500 prescription drug cards. I come in the next day and she’s still furious. “You said you were working! I heard you talking about the effing mendhi thing”. I told her I was working just not at that store as evidenced by the X by my name. I learned then that she could eavesdrop on the break room from one place in the pharmacy when she herself was the only pharmacist working at the time. All my breaks were taken in my car after this. TLDR Co-worker tried to make my day absolutely hell by trying to make me do 5 days of work in one day…. a day that I wasn’t working so she had to do it.

It's a healthy relationship My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today. "Really!" I exclaimed. "No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle." That'll teach her to try and be funny...

My girlfriend hasn’t made a single joke in the 10 years we’ve been together. We are in a very serious relationship.

I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

The Judge says to the defendant, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "*You dirty rat!*" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "*You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!* At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

Supervisor says phones are all that matter. Okay then! So this actually happened a few months ago at my job. Long story short, coworker got promoted to a new supervisor position for all the wrong reasons (she’s besties with the boss and gives him relationship advice on the side). Our team handles many types of incoming requests; phone calls, emails, tickets, and even printer jobs that get printed out automatically. We have a really chill system that actually works: everyone helped where needed, and the manager trusted us to get the work done. Nobody tracked individual stats or micromanaged. We just got everything handled and kept things running smoothly and its been that way in this department for probably 30 years now. Then my new supervisor comes along and I guess decides she wants to tighten things up or increase accountability or something. Her big idea? “From now on, I'll be tracking phone calls for performance metrics. Make sure everyone's doing their job and no ones slacking.” So of course we asked, “What about tickets and emails? Those take most of the time.” She says, *“Well, there’s no way to measure those right now so we can't really track that.”* Umm, ok? So of course, everyone does exactly what she asked. Phone rings? Answer it immediately. If we were working on an email and a phone call comes in? Put it on pause and answer the call. Working on a ticket? Pause, gotta answer a call. So naturally emails start piling up in the shared mailbox, tickets sit untouched in the internal portal (which management still doesn’t know how to run reports on), and the printer starts piling up paper in front of it. After a couple of days, people from other departments, people from our satellite offices, and even some of our external customers start emailing and calling asking if we're “backed up” because nobody’s responding to tickets or emails. One guy even came down in person to ask why no one has reached out to him about the email he sent in. When asked what was going on we just repeated what supervisor told us. "Focus on the phones since thats what matters." A few days later, I saw the supervisor get called into a meeting with the boss. When she comes out, she’s clearly annoyed and sends out a message on teams saying: “Please remember that *all work types* are important, not just phone calls.” And just like that, the “performance tracking” policy quietly vanished. We’re back to doing all the work again, the same way we’ve been doing it successfully for years. Edit: It seems a lot of people do not understand workflow. Before, if a ticket or email comes in, you take yourself off the phone queue to work it. But now, why am I going to take myself off the phone queue to work a ticket if it'll look like I'm doing no work?

You wanna throw a fit over the property line? No problem! So I bought a house in 2018. I had to in a hurry so I could get my mother in my old home before her chemo got intense. My family had outgrown the one we were in, and we found one that needed some work but had 5.25 acres and a chicken coop. Neighbor (Dan) obsessively manicures his property and it is much nicer as a result, but the price and features worked for us on our side. We fix up and paint the chicken coop, only interrupted once by Dan asking us to tear it down or move it. Surely the coop was well on our side of the property line, I thought. I politely declined and described how the only thing I'd be doing is building an enclosed run toward my house to protect the birds from predators after fixing some things inside the house that have been neglected. The previous owner was a serious alcoholic and there's a lot of work to do. Dan walks away angry but defeated. A couple of years pass and the run is built exactly as described and our informal survey shows the property line about 20ft back, and I build gardens roughly the same distance from the property line. Dan has a survey done that suspiciously puts the back corner of the coop and about 1/3 of the run over the property line, but we agreed that it could stay so long as I don't encroach any further and I eventually move it which WAS my actual plan. He said to take all the time I need, declining my offers to buy the dirt or trade easements and reimburse him for the cost of the survey. Another year goes by and Dan has changed his tune. He interrupts a target practice session with my two foster kids to demand that I demolish the coop and run soon, to which I said "I suppose I could push that project up to next fall (2024)". He isn't happy but seems pacified. I wasn't thrilled either but I'm a reasonable guy and would prefer to have a good relationship with a neighbor I don't like much. Enter May 2024, six months before I agreed to do anything, and this guy shows up in my back yard wanting to talk about the god damned coop again. "You know, Dan. You said I could have all the time I needed and then demanded I tear it down, going back on your..." Cue the most childish temper tantrum I think I've ever seen. He was literally stomping on the ground with elbows out, screaming about suing me and how he'll own my whole house by the time he's done with me. Malicious compliance: fuck you, Dan. I decided the best place for that coop is exactly where it is. It's been there about 20 years and adverse possession only requires 10. I can take that 12sqft of dirt from you and you'll even have to pay my legal fees. Only the run needs to move since it's only been there 5 years. That's exactly what I did. The new run connects to the gardens and the roof funnels the roosters' crows right to his house. Setback requirements say structures must be 5' from property lines. The back corner of the run is now exactly 5'2" away from the supposed property line and he gets to hear and smell my chickens every single time he's outside. He will not have peace until he dies or moves. I am well within my rights and while I do struggle with medical and PTSD issues from my service, I learned very well from the Navy how to be *technically* correct in a way that works only for me.

Micromanagement isn’t cheap I'm an IT consultant. Customers pay my employer for me (or my colleagues) to work on their IT systems. It’s not cheap (around 1500 per day), but we're good at what we do. We bill by the "day" which should *technically* be an 8 hour shift dedicated to a single customer, though in reality things are kinda fluid.. I might need to e-mail or have a quick meeting with another customer during the day and make the time up elsewhere etc. All my customers understand this, and they trust me to get their work done/ not rip them off. In 8 years, I’ve never had a complaint. I was midway through an 18-month project with a long-term client. We billed them 2 days a week, which pretty much lined up with the work I was doing for them. The project was progressing nicely and everyone was happy. Then they hired a new project manager. From the get go he was a nightmare and clearly wanted to throw his "authority" around/ show off for his new bosses. He wanted to micromanage all my work.. putting in twice-daily meetings, constant emails, the works. After a couple of weeks, he decided they weren’t getting their money’s worth and demanded a detailed breakdown of exactly how my time was being used. Fine by me. I started tracking every single minute: * Meetings he scheduled * Emails he sent * Time spent responding * Time spent logging all of this The bill nearly doubled. His director (who I had a good relationship with) called me directly to ask why costs had suddenly spiked. I explained I was just following the new PM's request for detailed time tracking and regular "updates". About 30 minutes later, we got an email saying we could go back to the previous arrangement and that the new guy had been "reallocated to another project", a few weeks later I noticed his account had been disabled.

A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

Raise denied for not working overtime A couple years ago, I was working for a corporation as an analyst. Company culture was that working insane overtime was bragged about and praised - when in reality, these people are working overtime because they do so much meaningless work that could be automated in a dozen different ways. I’ve always been very flexible with my time, because my management has been flexible with me - if I needed to take a long lunch, leave early for an appointment, etc. And I’ve always been very forthcoming about this. However, if I don’t *have* to work late, I’m not… I finish all of my responsibilities during normal work hours and wrap things up neatly at the end of the day to have a smooth start the next day. I had been in this position for a little over a year and went into it knowing I was being severely underpaid, and I’m very confident in the output of my work - always got great marks on performance reviews and constant praise for what I was doing. So I felt deserving of a raise, and I requested it. (20% which is large, I understand, and I debated that for awhile because I knew I wouldn’t get the full amount. But this is how severely I was underpaid, and I knew 20% was the cap by our company’s policies.) I was immediately rejected any raise because I come into the office at 8 and leave right at 5 while everyone else works late and I never offer to help others out when they are overloaded (meaning they work late and I leave on time). The first part of this “feedback” actually came from someone else who worked on our floor, never worked with this guy in my life. My manager was all about perception > reality. Which I understand is general corporate culture, but that doesn’t mean it’s not bullsh*t. Ok. I can change that. Around 4:30 everyday, I would ping my manager asking if there was anything she needed help with to finish out the day. I documented all of this in a word doc. Day in and day out, there wasn’t a single thing she ever asked me to do in addition to the work I was already doing. I would test things out and stay until 5:15/5:30 some days to see who all is working late. Very seldomly was anyone ever in the office past 5:05. Eventually, my manager said I don’t need to be checking in with her at the end of everyday. I said ok no problem, but I just want you to know that you can always reach out if you need help with something, because I can’t be expected to know your workload if you don’t communicate. Our relationship stayed very strained after that. I was desperate to leave the company, especially once the raise was fully rejected after receiving above average performance review for being in the job for only a year. Finally got another offer about 5 months later that was a 60% raise. My prior company offered me the same 60% raise and a promotion. Took the new company’s offer and have never been happier in a job.

Their relationship was strained

UPDATE: "Make it so a person with zero knowledge could understand it"? Ok. About a year ago, I wrote a [very messy and awkwardly worded post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MaliciousCompliance/comments/1c4y2qi/make_it_so_a_person_with_zero_knowledge_could/), describing how my old boss had me fired due to being a whistleblower, citing my (very proven) unorthodox methods, among other bogus claims, while demanding that I create a document for my future replacement, and "make it so a person with zero knowledge could understand it", which... I did. I didn't expect to even write a follow-up, and definitely not this one. I couldn't have come up with this chain of events if I tried. Predictably, as soon as I left the organization, things quickly began to unravel. Projects fell apart. Partnerships I built disintegrated. Volunteers left (some did so in protest). Community engagement, trust and support from target groups pretty much vanished. My replacement was not only completely clueless, but also a non-functional alcoholic, who didn't even want the job (apparently she was lied to), and drove every single programme to the ground. All of which, in turn, alienated donors as well. But that's not all. One of the comments (u/[SeanBZA](https://www.reddit.com/user/SeanBZA/)) on my old posts suggested I contact IRS, because odds are they would find some fraud going on. Well... You weren't very far off. While I didn't contact any authorities, and generally tried to not escalate anything - I ACCIDENTALLY tipped the manager of the org's biggest funders that something was off. I didn't even realize it until much later. I just ran into him at an event and chatted with him, mentioning that I was fired from the org that December. The manager looked confused. "What do you mean? They said you worked there until March, and left on your own!". After a bit of a puzzled exchange, I also noted that the crew of one of the flagship programmes decided to shut it down a few months earlier... Yeah, the organization reported as if the programme is still running. Long story short... The foundation looked into it, and it was not pretty. **But wait, there's more.** The other biggest funder of the org was a government program. On my very first day at work, I flat out told them this grant was extremely unreliable, and that will last 2-3 years at most before the program gets shut down for being too "progressive", and that they should prepare a backup for when this inevitably happens. Well... Guess how this worked out. And now, for the weirdest plot twist. Ultimately, the CEO decided to jump the sinking and burning ship, and quit (or maybe they got fired?). When I saw the open call for CEO, I decided to be a bit of a troll, and apply. It was mostly just for my own amusement - I wasn't expecting to hear back. Both because of my strained relationship with the org, and because, frankly, despite my expertise in my own field - my relevant experience for this kind of position is fairly limited. I just wanted to rub it in a little. I sent my resume and cover letter, and mostly forgot about it. Well... After a couple of months, they called back. Asked me if I'm still interested in the position, and asked for an interview. I thought about it for a few minutes - and decided to politely decline. It was tempting, honestly. But ultimately, I realized I will hate it, and would probably suck at it, too. My skills are in other places, and my heart is in other places as well. I recently decided to take a break from work altogether to focus on my physical and mental health, and while I'm at it, get a Masters degree. Best of luck to whoever decides to take that position - they're going to need it.

Need all the equipment back, fine, this project is all yours too! Good morning, Inspired by another post of removed admin privileges, here is one of my tales of internal concepts not meeting external realities. I was working(remotely) for a European based manufacturer of (at least my division) high end broadcast processing equipment. They also made other pro equipment, but this area was the highest-end and by far the most technically demanding. Very nichey, very configuration dependent, etc. Great technical staff and developers in Europe, we had great relationship being a bunch of tech nerds who could talk about IP ranges and capacitor values for hours. The US office just took orders from HQ over there. Had some good basic techs, but not set up to do any high end troubleshooting(which is exactly why I existed) There was an acquisition coming up, and auditors started to be involved. We had to send in inventory of all of our computers and test gear, etc. Fine, whatever. Well remember that "setup dependent" part: I was right in the middle of a huge project with one of the largest US broadcasters, (which had already resulted in one of the largest upgrade sales this division had ever made) and was testing some "fresh from the sandbox" SNMP features. This is pretty old tech that is still being used, so I enlisted an older Supermicro server I had been barely using for remotely accessing some kit in my workshop, to do some basic SNMP functions to make sure these new features didn't bung anything up before I literally put them in air on 50+ stations. Things were working fine with tests, I'd get a new revision first thing in the morning, bang on it a bit, send it off to my tech contact by my EOD at the network(which was his morning) Not terribly difficult, but pretty nichey, and also one reason I worked for this company, no one knew at all what any of this was in North America. So, auditors are involved, and the North American office that just takes orders sees this Supermicro server on the inventory list, and it's just the end of the world. Why is there a server out in the field? Why do you need so much test equipment? Who approved this? Etc. My first couple replies were just disregarded because no one knew what I was talking about. A decision was made that this server HAD to go back. A third insistence from me that this was actively used, and who else would take this over? fell on deaf ears. It was the most important thing in the entire world that they get this server back. It's a junky old Supermicro 1RU utility beast that cost maybe 1k at most. For whatever reason I was feeling extra snarky the day I should have boxed the server up, so I wrote an extra friendly note to all the techs, the decision makers at the US office and to my tech contact and his boss at the network introducing everyone thanking them for taking over this critical project, and thanking HQ for helping take on this time sensitive test phase that would really help me get to other critical projects About 25 minutes later I sent tracking information for all the kit (still didn't box up the server) I was supposed to send back. About an hour later I get a really odd email from one the the decision makers in the US office. He doesn't want to admit that no one at HQ doesn't know what the hell I was talking about technically, and simultaneously realized this is a huge account that would totally affect their bonuses if another nice sale came through. They were trying to save face and cover for their techs by suggesting maybe I get them up to speed on the project before we do anything drastic. I just replied to his email with the tracking information again and mentioned I had suggested this 3x now. 25 minutes later I get a freaked out phone call from the head tech at the US HQ. Him and his superior (the decision maker) have ust got a very nice call from my contacts boss at the network. They were so happy with the service so far (I had a great relationship at this point) and excited that having someone else checking these updates would allow me to be onsite more, big future plans, etc. He is wondering who is going to do this work now? NOW this comes up? I just repeated that 3x this was brought up now so clearly this decision was educated, they know best. So now there's full blown panic at US HQ. Knowing this, I send a note to the developers in Europe to make sure the new updated code goes to the catch-all address for the US HQ tech team and not me because they will be doing the testing going forward. This has the desired effect because now the head of development in Europe is on the horn with the decision maker in US wondering about who they recently hired (without approval) to be able to have these in-house resources now? By the time that UPS pick up was supposed to have happened,, somehow having this old server back was no longer the highest priority. In fact, I never heard about the server again.

​Planting the Seeds of a Relationship

My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship.. But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911? Because her angry boyfriend took her phone. It’s important we get out of abusive relationships early and seek help.

My boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I kept singing "All Star" by Smash Mouth. So I left him and found myself a guy who is actually invested in his relationships and wouldn't risk losing ours over a meme.

All the single ladles Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her all the more curious. Joe noticed his mother's suspicion. "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Julie and I are just roommates." A week later, Julie came to Joe and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't seem to find the gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it on accident, do you?" Joe agreed that it was a reasonable possibility, and wrote a letter to his mother inquiring about the ladle. It read, "I'm not saying you 'did' take the ladle, nor am I saying you 'did not' take the ladle,' but the fact is it's been missing since you came to dinner last week." Several weeks later, a reply came. "I'm not saying you 'do' sleep with Julie, nor am I saying you 'do not' sleep with Julie. The fact is if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now."

My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke. We are in a serious relationship.

Relationship advice

You want wine? I’ll give you wine. (Probably not the dunk I think it is but I still feel happy with the result) For context, I work as a salesman in a wine store. It’s not a normal wine & liquor place, it’s a curated selection, meaning we pick out all the wine that we sell (this is irregular in retail, most selections are curated by the distributor). As a result, all the employees have to really know their shit and we are regularly asked a lot of questions and need to give detailed and honest answers. Our customer base really likes us and new customers are either pleasantly surprised by the experience or endlessly mad we don’t carry their name-brand thing they like (damn you whispering angel). The other day a couple came into the store at the recommendation of a friend (I will call them Asher and Blake). Asher was very excited and was super happy when we had the bottles they had taken pictures of at a party the other day. Blake however immediately started making comments like “really? That one” or “that tasted awful you want that?”. Asher was clearly a little upset at this but I gathered this was just a normal dynamic in their relationship as it was brushed off rather quickly. After we put those bottles aside, they tell me they are going to do a garden party since its warm. Nice sunny day, light apps and snacks, average spring party. So they ask me to recommend some wine and I start going through the store and showing them some options. I hit all the big guys, loire and new world Sauvignon blancs, provencal rose’s, albarino’s, toscana’s and new world pinot noir for the red drinkers. A good selection for the food they had described. Well Blake did not think so. Every suggestion I made was met with a counter. I show them a nice floral unoaked white burgundy “I think we should do chablis”. Pinot noir “don’t you think pinot is too heavy?” Sauvignon blanc “too sweet”. Albarino “too heavy”. At this point im at a loss, i’m running out of stuff to give Blake so i scale up a bit, offer some fuller bodied wines. Not great pairing to the event or the food, but not destructive. Blake is still not happy. Asher is clearly pissed at this point, they’ve been holding their tongue but every denial makes their face a darker shade of red until they finally pop. Asher apologizes to me and says they are going to go with my suggestions, and tells Blake that they can pick out a bottle they want because clearly they are not willing to listen to me. I go through and put their cart together, listen to them argue a bit at the register, and then check Blake out after Asher storms out of the store. Whatever, I’m free of it, Asher is a saint for dealing with B, it’s done. It was not done. The next morning when I show up Blake is waiting for me with the three bottles they picked (got three of the same thing). “The wine is off” Blake says, holding the bottle out like its some sort of weird bug. I tell them that yeah it happens sometimes, I’ll check it out. To be clear, it is rare that the wine is actually off, most of the time the customer just doesnt like it. It doesnt hurt us and we want the business so we always accept exchanges and just agree that it wasnt right. The customer has been right twice that I have seen, and I was one of the two customers (compromised cork). So I open up the store with an impatient Blake standing over me before finally taking the bottle. I kid you not this thing is like 80 degrees, it is HOT. The sun hasnt been out long enough to do this either, so im pretty confident they did something to it. Anyway, i pour myself a glass and taste it. Even through the mire of hot booze, i can tell its good. All of the flavors i expect stand out, it smells fine, no evidence of oxidizing or mildew. Good bottle. Feeling petty I tell Blake as much, wanting them to admit that they just don’t like the wine. Blake turns a bit red and says as much. Good. Lets pick something else out then. “Where are your super tuscans?” Blake asks. I Iight up, because this is the perfect chance to fuck with them. We have two true ones in the store. One is a very accessible price, pretty standard, sangiovese, cab franc, merlot, syrah. Really nice and medium bodied. Wouldnt be too bad for the garden party, but still on the heavier end. The other? Expensive as hell, syrah and cab franc. It is the inkiest, blackest, heaviest wine you could imagine. I love it, but I think it might kill anyone who drinks it in 80 degree weather. Well, I give Blake the heavy one. Blake of course is in love when I tell them about it. Big bold flavors, heavy, crushes the flavor of whatever you eat with it? Perfect for Blake. They get three to replace the bottles they returned, and end up spending an extra 130 even with the cost of the refunded wine deducted. Now I know I’m way more sensitive to wine and food than others are, but this was perfect. Even somebody who’s demolished their palate with years of cigar smoking would be able to tell that wine is aw

Guy walks into a bar The bartender goes, "Hey, you're a Muslim, aren't you?" The guy goes, "Yeah, how could you tell?" The bartender says, "Well, okay, so, I know this is 2020 and everything and we're all trying to be really politically correct and not assume things, but I'm still somewhere on the curve, and I'm learning, but, well, you've got brown skin, a beard, and I could overhear you speaking in either Urdu or Arabic outside, so, yeah, I assumed. I'm sorry. Was that racist?" The guy says, "Since Muslims aren't a race, that wasn't racist. But that was you stereotyping, which in most circumstances wouldn't have been cool, but I've had a really long day and I couldn't give a damn. Can you pour me a beer please?" The bartender says, "Forgive me, but isn't drinking prohibited in your religion?" The guy says, "Well, yes, but I thought we were in America." The bartender says, "You're right. You're right. You can drink here. But I'm just wondering, like, I don't know much about that culture and that lifestyle. Will you feel guilty after drinking this beer?" The guy says, "I've drank beer plenty of times. You see, I'm what you might call a moderate Muslim. I'm not perfect. I've had premarital relationships with a couple of girls. I've eaten the odd pork pie every now and then. And on weekends I drink. I'm a Muslim, but I'm also very much a citizen of the Western world, where these things are okay. Does that answer your question?" The bartender says, "So I do not have to feel guilty about pouring you this here beer?" The guy smiles. "About as guilty as you'd feel for pouring the same drink to a Jewish person, a Christian, or a Hindu." The bartender smiles back and hands him the glass. The guy takes a sip and smacks his lips. "Thank you for this. I've had a really long day. There's this MERN stack app that I've been developing, and it's been really taxing. I haven't slept in more than eighteen hours." The bartender says, "You're a web developer?" "Yes," the guy says. "And I drive Lyft on the side to supplement my income. I'm not really that great of a web developer." "So where are you from?" The bartender asks. "North Carolina," the guy says. "No, I meant, like, where are you really from? Like where did your family come from?" The guy frowns a bit and takes another sip from his glass and puts it down on the bar. "Now that I mind. Why would you think we came from anywhere?" "Oh, I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean anything by it. It's just that I was wondering where your family immigrated from," the bartender says. His face is a bit flushed. "That's all right. Okay, so I was born here. In North Carolina. Born and raised in Raleigh. My dad moved here from Pakistan. He's a systems engineer. My mom's from India. She'd come here for her Master's. Does that answer your question?" "Pretty much. So you're an American," the bartender says. "As much as you are," the guy says and raises his glass. "I'll drink to that," the bartender says and clinks his shot glass with the guy's. Later when the guy takes out his wallet from his pocket to pay, the bartender shakes his head and says, "It's on the house. And listen, my friend, I'm a democrat. I would have voted for Obama a third time. And I'm not Islamophobic or xenophobic at all. You're welcome here anytime." The guy smiles and shakes the bartender's hand and says, "Only if you let me pay for the drinks from now on. I'm not one to trigger your white guilt for free drinks." "This is dialogue. We need more dialogue like this to heal our country, to bring people together. You know?" the bartender says. "You're very right, sir," the guy says and tips his cap to the bartender. Guy walks out of the bar. ​ Edit: Oh my God, thank you everyone for your overwhelmingly awesome response. The comments made my day, this is the most upvoted any post of mine has ever gotten, and I got my first award! Thank you u/kirkaug for the award. Very cool. You're all awesome. This was the best day of my life.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I quoted Arnold Schwarzenegger one more time. So of course I changed my behavior. Despite my love of the actor and the movies he's in, it wasn't worth ending a relationship over something so trivial.

My new thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship" I still wish she didn't have one though.

What did Trump say after he won the election? Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. Sorry to keep you waiting; complicated business; complicated. Thank you very much. I’ve just received a call from Secretary Clinton. She congratulated us — it’s about us — on our victory, and I congratulated her and her family on a very, very hard-fought campaign. I mean, she — she fought very hard. Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely. Now it’s time for America to bind the wounds of division; have to get together. To all Republicans and Democrats and independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together as one united people. It’s time. I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans, and this is so important to me. For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few people. . . . . . I’m reaching out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify our great country. As I’ve said from the beginning, ours was not a campaign, but rather an incredible and great movement made up of millions of hard-working men and women who love their country and want a better, brighter future for themselves and for their families. It’s a movement comprised of Americans from all races, religions, backgrounds and beliefs who want and expect our government to serve the people, and serve the people it will. Working together, we will begin the urgent task of rebuilding our nation and renewing the American dream. I’ve spent my entire life and business looking at the untapped potential in projects and in people all over the world. That is now what I want to do for our country. Tremendous potential. I’ve gotten to know our country so well — tremendous potential. It’s going to be a beautiful thing. Every single American will have the opportunity to realize his or her fullest potential. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. We are going to fix our inner cities and rebuild our highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals. We’re going to rebuild our infrastructure, which will become, by the way, second to none. And we will put millions of our people to work as we rebuild it. We will also finally take care of our great veterans. They’ve been so loyal, and I’ve gotten to know so many over this 18-month journey. The time I’ve spent with them during this campaign has been among my greatest honors. Our veterans are incredible people. We will embark upon a project of national growth and renewal. I will harness the creative talents of our people and we will call upon the best and brightest to leverage their tremendous talent for the benefit of all. It’s going to happen. We have a great economic plan. We will double our growth and have the strongest economy anywhere in the world. At the same time, we will get along with all other nations willing to get along with us. We will be. We’ll have great relationships. We expect to have great, great relationships. No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best. We must reclaim our country’s destiny and dream big and bold and daring. We have to do that. We’re going to dream of things for our country and beautiful things and successful things once again. I want to tell the world community that while we will always put America’s interests first, we will deal fairly with everyone, with everyone — all people and all other nations. We will seek common ground, not hostility; partnership, not conflict. And now I’d like to take this moment to thank some of the people who really helped me with this, what they are calling tonight, very, very historic victory. First, I want to thank my parents, who I know are looking down on me right now. Great people. I’ve learned so much from them. They were wonderful in every regard. I had truly great parents. I also want to thank my sisters, Maryanne and Elizabeth, who are here with us tonight. And, where are they? They’re here someplace. They’re very shy, actually. And my brother Robert — my great friend. Where is Robert? Where is Robert? My brother Robert. And they should all be on this stage, but that’s OK. They’re great. And also my late brother, Fred. Great guy. Fantastic guy. Fantastic family. I was very lucky. Great brothers, sisters; great, unbelievable parents. To Melania and Don. . . . . . and Ivanka. . . . . . and Eric and Tiffany and Baron, I love you and I thank you, and especially for putting up with all of those hours. This was tough. This was tough. This political stuff is nasty and it’s tough. So I want to thank my family very much. Really fantastic. Thank you all. Thank you all. And Lara, unbelievable job, unbelievable. Vanessa, thank you.

So, my lesbian friend asked how I view lesbian relationships. In Hd was not the correct answer.

My gf said that my obsession with Linkin Park is ruining our relationship so she broke up with me but in the end I was heart broken that she would end something amazing over a band I like

My wife asked me to stop playing wonderwall... I said alright. I’m sorry if that got annoying. She then told me that it was really causing a strain on our relationship and after all these years of just listening to it in the car, in the shower, while cooking dinner it was driving her mad and she was seriously considering divorce. I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten and it hit me hard. We both cried and held each other that night, saying things that we hadn’t said for a long time. We both felt so much lighter and closer. I told her I’d still be listening to it as often as I can when she wasn’t around though. Hearing that, she said that she was really worried about me and that I should go see a counselor. I said maybe...

Let me get this straight, you want to leave Minnie because she's very silly? Mickey: Yes, her inability to take anything seriously has been a constant strain on our relationship and I can't take it any more.

You want all my correspondence? Had a narcissist GM. I was in a a senior role in a small company. The GM hounded staff and expected me to join in, while I did my best to protect them. After huge staff turnover it was my turn to be the target. One of my tasks was to liase with our agents in China. We had a multitude of manufacturing projects under way from initial design to shipping. I'd communicate with the agents via WeChat which is similar to Whatsapp. And because I'd been working with the agents for a while, when we were talking about projects there would be side chats about the weather or holidays or family. Now I was under the microscope, the GM demanded I share ALL my communication with her. I have no idea why but I did exactly what she said. I took a screenshot of each message sent or received separately and sent it to her via slack. Our conversations were not very exciting but I made sure to send her each and every message. A simple conversations like the following which would be 10 separate slack messages. I made sure to get the name and time stamp so she could see exactly what I was doing. Hello / Hello, how are you / I'm good, how are you going? / Great! Things are busy / Oh here too! / I'm looking forward to the weekend / Do you have plans? / Nope / Just relaxing? / Yes ✋🏼 Obviously relationships are important in business so I made sure I was extra chatty, and in the interests of efficiency kept the messages as short as possible. The first day I'd sent her several hundred messages on slack within a couple of hours. Even sent her "haha" and emojis. The next day she told me she didn't need to see all my correspondence after all.

A gay man walks into a bar It is a gay bar and he is looking to meet someone, and potentially start a relationship

Today I ended a long term relationship. I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

A tense relationship

How I got My (CDL) Commercial Drivers License If you've seen my other posts in this sub- Reddit, they all seem to do something with trucking. Trucking and diesel mechanics which was my entire adult careers. I think truck driving is mostly about compliance and malicious compliance. I hope this fits here. In high school I went to tech school for auto mechanics. Since I was little, I always wanted to be a mechanic. Upon graduation I went directly to work as a mechanic. The work didn't bother me so much, but I hated the shop, One day I realized the best part of my day was the test drive. So, I thought being a truck driver would be the perfect job for me. So, I worked towards that goal. Soon after my 20th birthday I got a job driving a truck. I loved the open road! Back then Pennsylvania used the class 1, 2, 3, license system. Class 1 was for 18 wheelers. Class 2 was for large trucks over 30K lbs. gross vehicle weight; Class 3 was passenger vehicles. The company I worked for had 2 delivery trucks and I was driver #2. All was great, till.... About 3 and a half years after I started Pennsylvania decided to go with the Federal Commercial Driver's License. The classes all worked the same, with differences. Instead of 1, 2, 3, it is now A, B, C. Class A is 18- wheelers, Class B is all other trucks over 27k lbs. And Class C was passenger vehicles. Class 3 and class C vehicles only needed a regular driver's license to drive them. All other classes required extra testing to get the proper license. Once you had your truck permit you had to be able to get a truck and licensed driver to test drive and practice with. Then take the driving test. Followed by the written test, to get your license. I have a problem. I don't know another CDL driver, nor anyone who will allow me to borrow a truck to take the test. My only other option is to enroll into a truck driving school. At 20 living on my own, that was not an option. Our trucks were originally rated at class 3 because they had no air brakes and weighed 28k lbs. The company chose this route so they could pay drivers less. However, with the Federal class system, our trucks are now class B requiring a CDL So, the characters. There is me (OP). A 20M truck driver. Fred 40ishM (the company part owner) John 30ishM (my manager under Fred). Pennsylvania had a 3-month deadline to get your CDL, or you cannot drive. One day John asks me "Are you going to get your CDL"? I say "I don't know. Is the company goanna pay for it?" "I don't know" said John" "Lemme talk to Fred". At this point I am the only driver they have. John and I work together well. I have a great working relationship with everyone in the company, and our customers as well, well, everyone but Fred. Fred bought into to the company a year ago. From day one he had an issue with me. He always assumed I was doing the wrong thing but never had true cause. Since day one, he would only speak to me if he had to. No small talk, no smile. A month passes and I do not get an answer one way or the other. Till Fred asks me one day. "Are you going to get your CDL"? I say, "Are you paying for it"? "No" he says. So, I reply "No" as well. Another month goes by, and Fred and I have the same conversation. But this time Fred asked," What are you going to do for work"? I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "This isn't the only job"! The malicious compliance. What I knew that Fred apparently didn't realize was that in just over 2 weeks they could not deliver product unless they hire someone for a lot more money to drive. So, they were going to have to comply to my demand or lose 85% of their business! With almost 2 weeks to go till the deadline John says to me," On Saturday take the company pickup, drive to Harrisburg, and get your permit. You will be paid for your time"! I found a few weeks earlier that if I drove the same truck for 3 years, I could get a waiver of the permit. As long as the company owner is willing to sign an affidavit that I drove there 3 years or more, I could skip all of the driving portion, get my permit, then take the written test and get my CDL. I did not tell Fred that. Instead, I went to the other owner of the company and had him sign. Saturday comes, I get on the road at 4am to be in Harrisburg DMV by 5:30 or 6am. When I get there, I am surprised. The line for the DMV runs out the door and around the block! I estimate when they open at 7:00am I will be about 500th in line! It took another 2.5hrs, but I walked out with my permit. Now for the test! To Pennsylvania's credit, they had a firehouse in every county as a temporary CDL testing site. Due to the volume of people who needed testing. I tried to get into 3 different testing sites, but they were packed and closed before I navigated the line to get in. After that my office called around to reserve a spot for me. Finally on Thursday afternoon I get a call to get to a particular testing site in one hour, and I have a seat to

Old relationships are a lot like algebra...have you ever looked at your x and wondered y ?

I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.

I just ended a 5 years long relationship I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes. The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long." The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night." The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

Solution to erection problems I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

I could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

My favorite joke of all time. Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a lady who'd obviously been there for a bit. After a while they start talking and the conversation eventually turns to relationships. He says, "I'm actually here tonight because my girlfriend just left me - she thought I was too kinky in bed." Her eyes light up. "My husband just left me because he thought *I* was too kinky." They make eyes at each other and she asks him if he'd like to go back to her place, and he agrees. They get to her apartment, she excuses herself to the bedroom to "slip into something more comfortable." She puts on a tight leather outfit, whips, chains, nipple clamps, the whole bit. She walks out just as he's about to leave. "Where are you going?!" "I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse. I'm outta here."

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home... It read as follows: --- *Michael*, *I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.* *Love, Elizabeth* *P.S. Please return the picture you have of me* --- The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter: --- *Elizabeth,* *I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.* *Take care, Michael*

Two old men sit on a bench (NSFW) Two old men sit on a bench chatting about their relationships. The first man moans how his wife never wants sex and has been turning him down for years. He eventually turns to the other man and sighs, "Well, anyway, how's that new wife of yours?" The second man breathes deeply and looks down at the ground, "Terrible", he replies, "just terrible" "Oh, how so?" The second man turns and looks almost tearful in his confession. "Well she's 22, blonde, huge tits and always wanting sex! And I mean it's just constant. Suck and fuck and suck and fuck and suck and fuck..." The second man becomes quiet as the first man stares in disbelief, finally the first man has to open his mouth. "Well that sounds amazing! What's so terrible about that!" The second man looks to the sky wistfully... "I can't remember where I live..."

My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship. I still wish she didn't have one.   EDIT: to draw attention to new Gender Studies section in comments.

Today, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships... Apparently "in HD" was not the right answer.

I would never cheat in a relationship Because that would require two people to find me attractive.

Why are relationships complex? Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship 1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job. 2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie. 4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you. 5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

Relationships are like Algebra... You look at your X and wonder Y.

They Say 1 out of 3 People Cheat in a Relationship Not sure if it's my wife, or my girlfriend.

I just ended a 5 year relationship I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship :P

A Girl once asked me how I view Lesbian relationships... I told her "In HD". Apparently that was not the right answer

Lawyers -- Be wary of Grandma . . . Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?” She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.” The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

You have some explaining to do... A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate..... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.... Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son. Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow… Love, Mom.

My girlfriend asked me how do i see lesbian relationships Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the right answer.

Why is it so hard to have a guys night out Why it is hard to have a guys night out when you are in a relationship.Last Friday night I was invited with the boys for some fun. “I told my wife I would be home by midnight,….I swear !!! Well the hours passed and the beers and shots went down to easily…around 2:30 am and a wee bit drunkin, I took a taxi home. just as I got in the door…the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times…Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up , I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her (even when totally hammered…3 cucckoos plus 9 = midnight !!! Well the next morning my wife was in a good mood and she asked what time I got in….I said twelve Midnight….she didn’t seem mad at all ( I was thinking I got away with one)…. then she said we need a new cuckoo clock…I then asked her why…and she said….well, last night our cuckoo clock cuckooed 3 times, then said oh $hit….cuckooed 4 times, cleared it’s throat and cuckooed 3 more times…laughed and cuckooed twice more and the tripped over the coffee table and farted

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing... ...whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Redneck boy meets his dream girl! A young boy comes home to his father one day after school. "Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny." Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much." "That's not the best part, Dad. She's a VIRGIN." At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had." Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!" "Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

I was asked by a feminist how I viewed lesbian relationships I guess in HD was not the answer she was expecting.

How do you feel about sex? An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore... I'm moving the fridge to my room.

What is white and gold and black and blue? A blonde in a physically abusive relationship. See you guys in hell.

If you're an astronaut.. and you don't end every relationship with "I need space" then you're just wasting your time

Grandma in Court! In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him". The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

man and woman relationship Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

They say that 1 out of 3 people has cheated on their relationship I'm not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

I am in the S&M period in my relationship She sleeps, I masturbate.

I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship. My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.

Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love... But only if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic...

Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently "in HD" isn't the right answer.

Feel like a woman On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a business man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

They're finally making a movie about that guy who had a romantic relationship with his clock. It's about fucking time.

Wife: We're not talking over the radio. This relationship is over. Husband: This relationship is what? Over.

My relationship is complex part real, part imaginary.

Only men who wear the pants go to heaven. I am translating this joke from Spanish so pardon any errors. There is a terrible accident and 100 couples were killed. They find themselves in front of St. Peter and the Pearly Gates. St. Peter decides to divide the group into two and declares: "Every man who wore the pants in the relationship stand on the left line, and all the men who let their women boss you around stand on the right." Much to his surprise, 99 men stand on the right. St. Peter is very stunned and curious about the sole man standing on the left. He goes up to him and asks, "okay son, why are you in this line?" The man looks very frightened and he caves in, "I'm sorry, my wife told me to stand here."

Trial in a small town. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me." She continued "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships? Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either.

In a lesbian relationship , which of the two does the cooking? Neither. They always eat out.

A woman had been in a bunch of bad relationships... So she puts an ad out. "I want a man who isn't violent, won't run away from commitment, and can satisfy me in bed." Simple and to the point. The next day, her doorbell rings, and she answers the door. On her doorstep is a man with no arms or legs. She has a skeptical look on her face, but before she can say anything, the man interrupts. "Before you say anything, I want to say that since I have no arms, I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I'm certainly not running from anything..." "Well, how do I know you can satisfy me?" She asks. "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

I'm in a complex relationship My girlfriend is imaginary.

Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW? Because they have high double standards.

The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went..... My Engaged Friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The Mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I Had To Share My Story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said.... v v v v v v v "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

I heard it said that one in every three people will cheat in a relationship. I just can't tell if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

My relationships never worked, because I like my women how I like my coffee... I don't like when my coffee fucks other people.

Why do horses have such a low divorce rate? Because they're all in *stable* relationships!

My Thai Girlfriend says a small dick shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship But I still wish she didn't have one.

How are relationships like algebra? You look at your X and try to find out Y

Mixed Signals Ben is sitting at home reading a magazine or something, I dunno, and his phone rings. He answers, "Hey, who's this?" "Sup, Ben. It's Frank," is the reply. B: "Hey, what's up, man?" F: "Listen, I need some relationship advice. Can you help me?" B: "Sure." F: "Cool, thanks. Anyway, I've been seeing this girl lately. I'm really starting to like her, but I don't know what she's thinking. She's giving me mixed signals." B: "How so?" F: "Well, she said that she 'loved me like a brother.'" B: "That seems pretty clear to me. She obviously just doesn't have a romantic attraction to you." F: "Yeah, well that's the thing: she's from Kentucky."

Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out.

Why can't astronauts stay in a long term relationship? They need space.

A Young Irish Couple A young Irish couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship." With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!" She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Relationships are like algebra You always look at your x and try to figure out y.

The Black Bra The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, “What's for dinner, Zorro?"

One Wish A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish. "Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I could drive and visit them." "What!" cried the genie. "Have you any idea what building such a bridge would involve? The gigantic pillars all the way to the sea bed? The hundreds of gas stations to be supplied? The chaos to the shipping lanes? Are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like?" The man thought for a moment. "Y'know, I've never had much luck in my relationships. Could you give me a complete understanding of women?" The genie replied, "Was it four lanes you wanted or six?"