50+ Rabbit Jokes

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." Guy replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!" Edit: Thanks for the my first Reddit gold!

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.........? Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

A bear and a rabbit are conscripted into the army, and waiting for their medical checkup. The rabbit says to the bear, “listen, I really don't want to go to war. Can you just kick me in the leg, so that when I go in to see the doctor I've got a limp?” The bear says “sure. But can you do the same for me when you come out? I don't want to fight either.” The rabbit agrees and the bear kicks him in the leg. It's a good kick— the rabbit only just manages to keep himself from falling over or crying out— and when he goes into the doctor's office he is, indeed, noticeably limping. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you. Not with that leg” and sends him home. When the rabbit comes out, he returns the favour and kicks the bear in the leg. Unfortunately, however, the bear is a bear and the rabbit is a rabbit— the kick doesn't even hurt. The rabbit tries kicking him again, harder. Tries punching him, biting him, even hitting him with one of the waiting room chairs. By the time the bear gets called in for his check up, the rabbit has spent a good ten or fifteen minutes beating him up all over, and the most he's managed to do is give him a light nosebleed. Sadly, the bear thanks him for doing what he could, and heads in to see the doctor. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you.” The bear, thrilled but surprised says “what? Because I've got a bloody nose?” And the doc says “no. Because that nurse over there says she just saw you get your ass handed to you by a limping rabbit.”

A priest, A pastor and a Rabbit

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods. Suddenly, they see a fairy tied to a tree.. They both stop, look a the fairy and decide to help her out. They go over to untie her. Thankful for being rescued, the fairy offers them each three wishes. Bear immediately shouts: *“I wish I was the only male bear in the area! That’s sure to get me some ladies”* Rabbit thinks for a moment, and says: *“I’ve always wanted to be rich, make me a millionaire!”* The bear, still thinking with his little head, says: *“Actually, I wanna be the only male bear in the country, all the ladies will want a piece of me”* Rabbit doesn’t take long for his next wish, says he wants a brand new motorcycle, along with some gear. The bear, horny bugger that he is, decides that for his last wish he might as well go big: *“What the hell, Make me the only male bear in the world!”* The fairy obliges, and asks the rabbit what he would like his last wish to be. Rabbit puts on his gear, gets on his new Harley, smirks, and says: *“I wish the bear was gay”*

A CIA agent, an MI6 agent, and a KGB agent are walking through a forest.. They end up arguing about which service has the most skilled intelligence officers. As they argue, a little rabbit runs across the path in front of them. This gives them an idea for how they can settle it. They'll catch the rabbit. Then, for each agent, they'll set it free, and see how long it takes him to track it down and bring it back. The American goes first. They set the rabbit free, then wait 5 minutes, then he goes chasing after it. He puts on his heat-sensing goggles, calls in a surveillance drone on his phone, and finds it in no time. He comes back with the rabbit 10 minutes later, and hasn't even broken a sweat. Then the Brit. Without the American's fancy gadgets, he has to use his best tracking skills, and some logic and deduction to guess where the Rabbit might go. Eventually he comes back with it, a bit out of breath and covered in mud, 20 minutes later. Then the Russian. He runs off into the forest. The other agents wait, first 10 minutes, then 20, then an hour. Just as they're about to give up and go home, a bear stumbles out into the forest clearing in front of them. It's not in a good way: bloody and bruised, with a big black eye. Astonished, they watch as it walks up to them, followed by the KGB agent with his rifle. He pokes the bear with it. "Go on. Tell them what you told me." The bear looks up miserably. "I'm a rabbit. My parents were rabbits."

The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

A nun, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive. The nurse asks the rabbit what’s its blood type. The rabbit replies, “I’m probably a Type O.”

Sex After Death A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion .... Marion" "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!” "Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?" "No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.”

What's the difference between Hitler and a rabbit? Hitler preferred mass murder to carrots.

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa... There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?" Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter." Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!" Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."

A rabbit gets into a bar and asks the barman: a glass of carrot juice, please. The barman: what the fuck...

A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate. A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow. Rabbit: What are you? Cow: Do you really wanna know? Rabbit: Yes! Cow: Let's have sex first. --love making-- Cow: I'm a cow. So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spotted a chicken. Rabbit: What are you? Chicken: Do you really wanna know? Rabbit: Yes! Chicken: Let's have sex first... --Love Making-- Chicken: I'm a chicken. And the rabbit went HOP HOP HOP until it ran into a sprukotok... Girl/Guy you are telling the joke to: What's a sprukotok? You: Do you really wanna know?

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye. Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion was about to leap, the old dog exclaimed, "That was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Upon hearing this, the young lion stoped mid-stride and hurried to safety in the trees. A squirrel who had been watching from a nearby tree, knew the dog's tricks and decided to trade his knowledge for protection from the lion. Catching up with the lion, he explained what happened and struck a deal. The young lion was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" The old dog spied the lion coming with the squirrel on his back. Instead of running, he sat down with his back to the pair, pretending he hadn't seen them yet. When they got close enough tohear, the old dog said, "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!"

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D... Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." The guy replies: "If I say 'why the rabbit?' I will get the job, am I right?" The inspector, baffled, asks: "How did you know that?!" The guy replies: "Because I read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes".

Two Blondes are out on a hike.... ....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

The Rabbit A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A traveling salesman hit a rabbit while driving. He stopped and pulled over, along with some other people. The traveling salesman went to his trunk, pulled out a bottle, walked to the rabbit and poured the bottle on the rabbit. The rabbit popped up, hopped about 10 feet, turned around and waved. It hopped another 10 feet, turned around and waved. It kept doing this until they couldn’t see it anymore. The other people said, “That was amazing. We’ve never seen anything like it. What did you give the rabbit?” The salesman answered, “Just some hair restorer with a permanent wave.”

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." Guy replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

The magician dropped the rabbit back in the hat and *POOF*, it was gone. I didn’t believe him until I felt something trying to chew its way out of my stomach.

A rabbit is running hastily through the forest And suddenly sees a deer relaxing under a tree smoking some hash. "What're you doing here, are you crazy?" says the rabbit, "We're in nature in the clean air, and you're smoking hash? Get up so we can run together and clean out our lungs!" "Youre right!" says the deer, and he gets up and starts running with the rabbit. As they were running, they can across a fox hopped up on cocaine. "Mr. Fox!" says the deer "aren't you ashamed of yourself? We're in nature filled with clean air, and your snorting coke? Get up and run with us so we can open up our lungs!" "You're right!" Says the fox, and he gets up and starts running with the other two. A little further down the path they ran into a wolf getting ready to shoot up some heroin. "Mr. Wolf are you crazy?!" yells out the Fox, "We're in nature filled with clean air, and you want to get strung out? Get up and run with us so we can exercise and clean our lungs!" "Why don't you all go fuck yourselves." says the wolf "Every time the rabbit takes ecstasy we have to go running like jerk offs in the forest?"

To determine a rabbit's sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it's a boy. If *she* runs, it's a girl.

One morning, His Majesty the lion calls all the animals in the jungle to a meeting. "Right," says the lion, "I want every one of you to go out hunting and bring me back as much meat as you can. Anyone who fails to bring me meat I will batter to death with my dick!" Later that day, a rabbit turns up with a basket of carrots. "You have to understand, Your Majesty, I'm a rabbit, I can't hunt, but I've brought you a basket of carrots." The lion towers over the rabbit and starts battering it with his dick. The rabbit cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs, and cries, and laughs... "Why are you crying?" says the lion. "It hurts," says the rabbit. "And why the fuck are you laughing?" says the lion. "I've just seen the hedgehog," says the rabbit, "and he's gathering mushrooms."

Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!! Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test: Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got? Little Johnny : SIX. Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Little Johnny : SEVEN! Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!

A Bear and A Rabbit Walking Through the Woods A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a magic lamp. Rabbit rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "You know the drill," he says. "You both get three wishes. What's it gonna be?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the entire forest were *lady bears*." And poof, it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." And one appears in his paws. Bear says, "I wish all the other bears on this continent were *lady bears.*" And so it's done. Rabbit says, "I wish for an electric scooter." And the genie makes it appear. Then the genie says, "All right, time for your last wish. What does your heart *really* desire?" Bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the whole *world* were *lady bears.*" And then Rabbit straps on his helmet, gets on his scooter, powers it up and says: "I wish Bear was gay."

Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees. After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that awful stuff and come run around with us." The elephant agrees and they resume running around. After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."

wife's insisting to quit job The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose... I work in a hammer factory.

5 Jokes about Boiling Water 1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy. 2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist. 3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies 5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?" The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals." And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar." Bonus Related Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

A little girl walks into a pet store... A little girls walks into a pet store and looks up at the owner with her big brown eyes. "Mister," she said in a quite voice, "I would like a little bunny rabbit". The owner looks down at her with a smile. "And what type of bunny rabbit would you like?" He responded, "A brown little bunny rabbit or a white little bunny rabbit or a black little bunny rabbit?" "Mister," the little girl replied, "I don't think my python gives a shit."

the bear and his list It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor. The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list. Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?" Bear: "Yes, that's true." Deer: "And is my name on the list?" Bear: "Yep." In panic, the deer runs out of the cave and into the woods. The next day the other animals find the deer's corpse in the forest - brutally murdered and without his head. Then boar also decides to ask out the bear about his list and visits him in his cave. Boar: "So there's your list..." Bear: "Yes, that's my list." Boar: "You know... is my name on it?" Bear: "Yes, your name is on my list." Same as the deer, the boar flees in panic and the next day the animals also find the boar's corpse in the forest. So the rabbit starts to think about the situation. He decides also to visit the bear. Rabbit: "So, bear, I heard you have a death list." Bear: "Yes, I have a deathlist." Rabbit: "And is my name on this list?" Bear: "Yes, your name is also on my list." Rabbit: "Okay... is it possible to delete my name from the list?" The bear just responds: "Sure, no problem."

A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the middle of the woods... The Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all." So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.

Three blondes are walking through the woods shortly into their walk, they find tracks on the ground. "Look at the size of these rabbit tracks!" Said the first blonde. "You moron, those are raccoon tracks." Said the second blonde. "You two are so stupid, these are obviously coyote tracks!" Said the third blonde. Two minutes later, they were all run over by a train.

What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards? A receding HARE line!

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest... The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist. The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming." The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

A man was driving along the highway... ... and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 yards. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave!!..

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline

I saw a guy going up the hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit feet. ​ He was really pushing his luck.

A hunter sat in a bar. A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal. This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After wagering him a beer for every correct answer, they blindfold the hunter and start handing him animal skins. The Hunter lets his fingers brush the fur gently. "Lion. Shot with a 30 caliber." He exclaims." The crowd is amazed and pushes another skin in his hand. The Hunter frowns. "Rabbit. Choked in a trap." The evening progresses and the hunter ends up completely drunk. While staggering home he keeps mumbling about animals and weapons to himself. Finally he arrives back home and gets into bed. When he wakes up the next morning, completely hung over, he notices that he has a shiner of a black eye. Confused he turns to his wife asking what happened to him, since he's sure he was fine when he got into bed. His wife gives him a dirty look. "You came home drunk as a skunk yesterday. And when you finally found your way into bed, you shoved your hand in my panties and exclaimed: 'Beaver. Killed with an axe'" Thanks /u/mandaquila for cleaning it up and fixing the grammar. I still insist it was a badger!

Sam goes to the doctor... Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor. Doctor: How are you doing, Sam? Sam: Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child. Doctor: Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently. Sam: Oh yeah? What? Doctor: Well I was walking in the woods one day and I came across a rabbit. I lifted my walking stick, pointed it at the rabbit and yelled 'BANG!' Suddenly the rabbit fell over, dead. What do you think about that, Sam? *Sam thinks for a minute* Sam: Well, I think somebody else must have shot that rabbit! Doctor: My point exactly!

Three blondes are walking through the woods... They come across a pair of tracks. The first blonde says, "I think these are bear tracks!" "No", the second blondes goes, "these are definitely deer tracks!" The third blonde says, "I think they're rabbit tracks!!" Then the train hit them... This is my favorite clean joke by far.

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick? Fucks Funny.

Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?" His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter." Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap." His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."

Classic Eddie Murphy Joke: A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit offended replies "No I don't have a problem with shit sticking to my fur" So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

Bedroom animals A pair of newlyweds are out for drinks with a middle-aged couple who have been married for twenty years. Having knocked back a few, the older husband turns to the newlyweds and remarks with a wink: "I bet you two are like a couple of rabbits in the bedroom." The newlyweds laugh awkwardly at this, and then the young husband asks "Well, what kind of bedroom animals are you two then?" The older husband screws up his face and thinks about it for a moment, then exclaims wryly: "Don't know about me, but Margaret here would have to be a camel: she can go for weeks and weeks without sex." Without missing a beat, Margaret replies: "That's funny because I was thinking George here would also be a camel: two humps and it's over."

Tortoises's Birthday All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went first and told the funniest joke he knew and everyone laughed... Except the tortoise. So the lion ate him. The gazelle was next and nervously told her funniest joke. Again everyone laughed but the tortoise so the lion ate the gazelle. After a few more times of this happening it seemed the tortoise didn't find any of the jokes funny. It was the rabbits turn and he told the funniest joke any of the animals had ever heard, but the tortoise would still not laugh. The lion was starting to get a little annoyed that the tortoise wasn't laughing. Finally it was board turn and he told a mediocre joke and only got a few laughs. However, the tortoise started laughing hysterically. The lion, confused, asked the tortoise how he found the boar's joke funny but not the other ones. The tortoise said "No...I just got the monkey's joke."

What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hairline!

Baking Cakes A mother and her young daughter were walking through the park one day when they came across 2 dogs having sex. The daughter asks her mom, "what are they doing?" the mom not wanting to explain sex to her young daughter just says "oh they're making cakes" Further on they come across 2 rabbits having sex, again the daughter asks her mum what they are doing and again the mum goes "oh they're just making cakes." further on the daughter says, "you and daddy were making cakes on the sofa last night weren't you?" the mom, horrified, asks "did you see us?" and the daughter replies "no, but I licked the whipped cream off the sofa afterwards"

The Bear and the Rabbit Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other. One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each. Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighboring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears in the world were female, leaving him the only male bear in the world. Mr. Rabbit revs the engine of his motorcycle and says, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rides off.

A rabbit is running around the forest... when he comes across a lone wolf rolling up a joint. He says to him: "Hey wolf, that's terrible! Don't do that, come with me and lets run together." The wolf is bewildered, yet agrees to go. So now they both run through the forest when suddenly they encounter a timid bear about to mainline some heroin. The rabbit shouts: "Stop bear! You don't want to do that. Come along with us, and we shall run together. The bear is hesitant but eventually caves in and joins them. Now all three of them are running together when they come across a lion doing rails of blow. The rabbit says: "Hey lion..." And immediately the lion smacks the shit out the rabbit, and knocks him unconscious. Then he says: "This fucking rabbit makes me run around the goddamn forest every time he pops ecstasy!"

A guy applies for a job with the N.Y.P.D. Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit." Guy replies "Why the rabbit?" Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"

Sex After Death A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.': 'Is that you, Steve?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' That's wonderful! What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.' 'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!' 'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

A man goes to get a few things for his wife before their party On his way back from the store a beautiful blonde woman starts flirting with him out of nowhere. Him and his wife haven't been getting along lately and he finds himself flirting back with her, suddenly hooking up with her and finally finding himself the next morning in her apartment naked, Desperate, he shakes her awake and yells "Where's baby powder do you have any baby powder?" She tells him where it is and he gets it, shakes some of it on his hands and runs as fast as he can back to his place. Once he's home his wife is standing there looking mad as all hell, so he explains, "Listen, baby, I'm so sorry I missed your party, I met this beautiful blonde girl and we fucked like rabbits all night long-" When she grabbed his hand and looks at him and says "Don't give me that shit! you've been out bowling all night haven't you?!"

Texas Sheriffs Deputy Exam A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" the man asked. "That's the attitude we're looking for." said the Sergeant, "When can you start?"

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Why don't rabbits make any noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls

The CIA the FBI and the KGB hold a competition The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

A Frog, A Bear, and A Rabbit One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog is hopping towards a water hole. The forest is so enormous that the frog have never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear is chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female." The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in a forest The bear turns to the rabbit and asks "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" replies the rabbit. So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods The bear turned around and asked the rabbit, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" the rabbit replied. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

5 corny jokes 1. How do you follow Will Smith in a snow storm? Just follow the fresh prints. 2. What do you call a man that irons clothes? Iron Man. 3. What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality. 4. What do you call a parade of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hare line. 5. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

The Pet Rabbit One day I came home to find my dog burying something under the steps of my front porch. Upon closer inspection, it was the neighbor's family pet rabbit. I felt terrible. Since it was only a little covered in dirt and the dog had not torn it up noticeably, I decided to make it as presentable as possible and place it back in the cage on the side of the neighbor's house where they kept the rabbit. I was hoping they would find it and think it was natural causes. It was the next day while replacing the spark plugs on my car that my neighbor walks over to have a chat. I was nervous that he would know about the rabbit. He made some small talk for a few minutes and I started to chill out. But then he says "Did I tell you that the kid's rabbit died?". I attempted to look concerned while saying "Oh, no! Poor kids, I bet they are upset." He says "They were but they got over it pretty quick...until this morning." "What happened?" "That rabbit died last week so we buried him. But then some asshole digs him up, gives him a bath and puts him back the cage!" -- Hope you liked it! The wording isn't as good as I remember hearing it from someone else.

How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat? One. It's a trick question.

Dump in the woods A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear leans over and says to the rabbit, "Hey rabbit, do you ever have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." The bears picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass

Today I saw two rabbits racing down the road.. They were the fast and the furriest.

What do you call a family of 8 rabbits? One rabbyte

A classic from my grandfather. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. Unique up on it.

What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards? A receding hareline.

Smart pills One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?'' ''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter. So he ate them and said, ''These taste like crap.'' ''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.''

Bear and a Rabbit So a bear and a Rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear leans over to the rabbit and says "Hey, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "why no, I don't." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

What do you get if you cross rabbits and termites? Bugs bunnies!

As told to me by an indian bus driver overseas... Why don't rabbits make noise when they fuck? Because they have cotton balls. Apologies if it's a repost.

A priest and a rabbit walked into a bar. The bartender motioned to the rabbit and said, “Sorry, we can’t serve him.” The priest launched into impassioned plea about how the bartender was being racist and that rabbits deserve equal rights. Then the bartender said, “No, I just meant, he’s not 21.”

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist? A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

A blind rabbit and a blind slug A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other. The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."

Another blonde joke Two blondes were analyzing some tracks. The first one insisted they were rabbit prints, while the second blonde was certain they were made by a raccoon. Back and forth they argued, rabbit tracks, raccoon tracks, rabbit tracks. Then they got hit by a train.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?” The rabbit just sat there, so they drew its blood and checked in the lab.

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the forest All of a sudden they come across a golden turtle. The turtle looks at them and explains that today is their lucky day because he happens to be a magical golden turtle and is going to grant each of them three wishes. The bear, who is a horny fucker, goes first and wishes they he was the only male bear left in the forest. He's going to be a very busy bear come springtime. The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. It comes with holes for his ears. For his second wish the bear, who is also a bit paranoid, wishes all the bears in the next forest were female too. The rabbit then wishes for a rabbit sized motorcycle. For his final wish the bear wishes that all the bears the world, except him, were female. The rabbit looks at bear, revs his motorcycle and wishes that the bear was gay.

So, Mr Rabbit is going for a run through the woods. . . . . . When he comes upon a clearing with a weasel about to light a joint in it. "Oh Mr. Weasel, that's not good. You should come running with me! It's MUCH more fun!" Said Mr. Rabbit. The weasel takes one last look at the joint, and says "Eh, screw it", throws it away, and goes running with Mr. Rabbit. A little while later, they come upon another clearing, with a deer about to crack open an ice cold beer. "Oh Mr. Deer, that's not good. You should come running with us! It's MUCH more fun!" Mr Deer takes one last look at the beer, thinks 'whatever', throws it away, and goes running with Mr Rabbit and Mr Weasel. They run for a little longer when they come upon a clearing with a moose about to take a big line of coke. "Oh Mr Moose, that's not good" says Mr Rabbit "You should come running with us instead, it's MUCH more fun!" Mr Moose takes one last look at the cocaine, thinks 'Eh you're probably right', knocks it away, and goes running with the rest. The group runs a little more until they come upon a clearing with a bear about to take a huge bong rip in it. "Oh Mr Bear, that's not go--" But before Mr Rabbit can finish, Mr Bear turns around, bitch slaps him across the clearing, and says "Fuck you Rabbit. Every time you drop acid, you want EVERYONE to go running with you!"

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they made no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Three statisticians go out hunting together... After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and ends up shooting too far to the left of the rabbit. The second aims, misses, and shoots too far to the right. The third shouts out "We got him!"

I stole this joke. But My dad loved it. A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear looked at the rabbit and said "do u have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?". The Rabbit said "no, why?". So the bear picked him up and wiped his ass with him.

A Bear and A Rabbit A bear and a rabbit are in the woods taking a dump by the same tree. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks, "Do you ever have a problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No!" and the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Cool Joke So there is this bear and this rabbit walking together in the woods. They come across this mysterious lamp. Of course they rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says they get six wishes, three each. Meanwhile the bear is like "Oh yeah! Time to get some wishes!" and the rabbits just like "Oh this is cool I guess." So the bear goes first, he wishes that all the male bears in his forest are turned into females. The genie grants his wish. The rabbit goes and he says "I guess I want a helmet." The bear thinks to himself "Why would you wish for a helmet when you can have anything." The bear takes his second wish. He wishes for all the male bears in the neighboring forest to be females. He gets his wish. The rabbit then wishes for a motorcylce. The bear is now excited at his wishes and is really wondering why the rabbit is getting all of these stupid things. The bear then goes on to wish for ALL the bears in the world, except for him, to be female. His wish is granted. By this time the bear is super excited. Now the rabbit takes his last wish. He gets on his motorcylce, puts his helmet on, and says "I wish that bear was gay" and drives off. *EDIT- Changed pot to lamp.

An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

Smartenin' pills This little kid Jimmy was frustrated, because every day as he walked to school with his lunch, the big bully Buster would stop him and ask him what he had for lunch. Then he would take the lunch and eat it! So one day Jimmy decided he had enough, he had to do something about this. Now his Aunt Matilda had a little organic farm in her back yard, and grew rabbits. So Jimmy had a bright idea. He went to Aunt Matilda's and scooped up about 1/2 pound of rabbit turds - those little black-brown pellets that look like overgrown TicTacs but not shiny. Next day, he took a sandwich baggie, filled it up with those nice little pellets, and started off to school. Sure enough, like usual, Buster stopped him on the street and asked him, "Whatcha got in your lunch today!?" Jimmy replied, "Smartenin' Pills! Wanna try some?" "What are Smartenin' Pills?" asked Buster. Jimmy said, "When you eat them they make you smarter, real fast!" "I need to get smarter more'n you. Gimme the bag!" Buster barked, as he grabbed the bag from Jimmy, opened it up and grabbed a bunch of turds from the bag. He tossed them in his mouth and started to chew. "What the ...! These taste like shit!" "See, you're gettin' smarter already!" Jimmy volunteered, as he began to run to school.

I can't pull a rabbit out of a hat. But I can pull a hair out of my ass.

Why does the rabbit hide Easter eggs? Because he is ashamed of fucking the chicken.

A man tells his friends a story how he was chased by a bear in the woods. "So there I was, hunting rabbits, when all of the sudden, a huge fucking grisly bear comes out of nowhere, and starts chasing me. Of course, my first instinct was to run. But that bear was faster than he seemed. As I kept running, he came closer, almost at his arm's range. I thought I was going to die, but the bear slipped and I had a few seconds to get ahead. But the bear was a tough fucker. He came closer once again, barely inches away from me, but he slipped again. Now I had enough time to run to my cabin where, I stayed until the ranger came." "You're a lucky man," says one of his buddys, "And you reacted better than I would have. I'd probably piss my pants or soil myself if a bear came after me" The man looks at his friend and says: "Well what do you think the bear was slipping on?" Edit: spelling

Scotland Yard x FBI x Brazilian Police To settle once and for all the discussions about what is the best police in the world a competition was held between the FBI, the Scotland Yard and the Brazilian Military Police. The test was as follows: the organizers would release a rabbit in the forest and the police force that could find it faster would be the winner. The FBI was the first. Using satellite photos, DNA analysis of fur samples and helicopters the rabbit was found in 3 hours and 14 minutes. Then it was the turn of the Scotland Yard. Using behavior analysts, psychologists, scholars of the species of rabbits and carrots with soporific, they captured the bunny in 1 hour and 30 minutes. The FBI was devastated. Then it was the turn of the Brazilian PM. They entered the forest with a bag and a rope. They came back in 23 minutes, leaving everyone impressed. Then they opened the bag, inside it there was a skunk, curled up, bruised, crying: —I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! I swear I'm a rabbit!

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation... ... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming quite irate with the Texan at this point and decides to take a detour. The Texan excitedly points at some kangaroo and shouts "What the hell are those?" "What? You dont have jackrabbits in Texas?"

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites. MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a bar. "What's your blood type?" The bartender asked the rabbit since there is a discount for people with certain blood type. The rabbit didn't answer because it couldn't talk.

Why can't you hear rabbits have sex? because they have cotton balls.

Animals on drugs A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Rabbit is running through the forest... when he sees Fox rolling a joint."Don't do drugs, Fox" Rabbit says. "Come jog with me instead and enjoy life for what it is." Fox has a sudden clarity that her drug indulgence is not worth it, so she starts running with Rabbit. Running together they see Bear getting his crack pipe ready. "Bear, don't smoke crack dude!" Rabbit says. "That shit is bad for you! Come jog with us instead." Bear joins Fox and Rabbit in their healthy life. Running through the forest, they see Raccoon filling a syringe up with some grade A heroin, ready to fill his fury veins with heavenly juice. "Raccoon man!" Rabbit says. "Why would you do this to yourself? Stop shooting up heroin and come run with...." Without even letting Rabbit finish, Raccoon takes out his gat and pops the nigga in the face! Dead! Fox and Bear freak the fuck out! "Why the fuck would you do that to Rabbit? He changed our lives and made us stop doing drugs!" Raccoon proceeds sticking the needle in his vein and says "I just hate it when that fucker is on ecstasy."

A blonde, brunette and ginger get lost in the woods They make a shelter but start getting hungry so the brunette decides to go out hunting. She returns with a rabbit and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the brunette replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it" The next day the ginger decides to go out hunting, she returns with a deer, and the blonde asks "how'd you get that?", the ginger replies "Oh I just followed some tracks and found it" The next day the blonde decides to go out hunting, she returns covered in bruises and cuts, the brunette asks "what happened to you?" The blonde replies "I followed some tracks and got hit by a train".