50+ Queen Jokes

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

The Queen's breasts Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.  Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.  The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story - Pay your bills !!

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275: A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not. The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places, and it is easy to tell from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good." On his turn, the knight asks "Lady, answer me without deceit. Is there hair between your legs?" When she replies, "none at all", he comments, "Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path."

The king of france...[NSFW] ...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one. The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!" The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!" The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!" Edit: I posted this whilst high, The title of the post is part of the joke the ellipses symbolise this

Why are there no transvestites in space? Because there is zero drag.     ^^I ^^literally ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^2 ^^hours ^^ago.       Edit: ***SANITIZED VERSION***   Q: Why are there no drag queens in space? A: Because there is very little drag and whatever drag there is in LEO is caused by miniscule amounts of athmospheric gasses and tidal forces! HAHAHAHAHAH!     ^^I ^^figuratively ^^came ^^up ^^with ^^this ^^one ^^while ^^banging ^^my ^^head ^^aginst ^^a ^^wall.

Royal Wedding On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a queen But she's French, so I chopped her head off

“If you don’t want to be here then leave, because I don’t need you” The shift lead who said it, Adriana 20-something, tried to get me fired after dismissing me from my shift. I got the job at 16 because I was dating one of the other shift leads, already off to a terrible start I know. My boyfriend was one of those characters that people either loved or hated. mostly hated if you come from a loving home, because he was admittedly a terrible person. And Adriana especially hated him. I’m sure she had her reasons. One Saturday morning I showed up to work to find Adriana yammering about my bf calling out that day. He didn’t tell me he was calling out, and since Adriana was visibly upset already about his absence, I texted him to ask “what’s up? Why did you call out? Adriana is really mad about being short staffed on a Saturday and now she’s going to be yelling at me about it all shift. “ My boyfriend was a *real* shit stirrer and I was somehow incredibly fucking oblivious to this at the time. I texted him mostly to vent, but of course he used this as an excuse to start an argument with Adriana. He texts her something accusing her of “talking shit”, which for the record I DID NOT say she was doing, and I can hear from the kitchen she immediately started yelling into oblivion about how if I have something to say I should say it to her face. And how I’m a “stupid fucking dumb bitch” “literally so fucking stupid” “this bitch is the dumbest girl I’ve ever met why are you even with him” So valid queen, I was a little dense back then I guess Amidst her tirade about how stupid she thinks I am, she comes into the office, where I’m eating my pre-shift breakfast of boston market macaroni in total silence. This whole time I was just dissociating into my mac, because what the ever loving fuck else would I do? No only did I come from a home where yelling often lead to me dodging flying lamps and drawers, but I was genuinely scared she’d have her cousin jump me if I pissed her off, well before this even happened. So she’s standing there, I’m eating, kinda smiling out of discomfort, just watching her tear into me even more about my intelligence. Why? Because *my boyfriend called out of work*. It was honestly *so* bizarre, had escalated *so* quickly, and I was *so* dissociated, life kinda felt like it was moving in slow motion in that moment. She eventually says the magic line that snapped me out of my dissociation and freed me from my wage slave chains that lovely Saturday morning. “if you don’t want to be here then leave, because I don’t need you”. Now again. This is Saturday morning. At a Pizza Hut. That is already short staffed. I knew for a fact that she was bullshitting not needing me. But I also knew that she said it right in front of the office cameras. So I’m thinking, that sounded like approval to leave early didn’t it? Especially after being fucking berated for 15 minutes straight, AS SOON AS I WALKED IN THE DOOR, for something I DIDNT EVEN DO. She later tried to get me fired for walking out on my shift, and the first thing I did was tell the general manager to check the cameras. I should’ve just let them fire me honestly. Adriana, if you’re out there, I live every day thanking god that I didn’t have to experience a phase of life that included screaming at 16 year old girls first thing in the morning at my big fancy *Pizza Hut shift lead job*. I heard you also got fired for assaulting a customer. It’s okay, I understand that being a shift lead at Pizza Hut is a very high stakes environment to be working in. No really, you don’t look insane at all screaming your head off inside a fast food joint on a near daily basis. Completely sane and *very* intelligent behavior right there.

“It’s a girl, my lady,” the midwife said as she handed the squalling infant over. The queen forced a smile, clutching the child to her breast, and prayed the king’s next punishment might finally make her barren and end this farce.

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart? Because noble gases are nonreactive.

The Queen and the Metal Panties One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole. "SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk. They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. "Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless. **EDIT:** obligiTory edit, thAnks for the front paGe, guys! I aPpreciate it. It's so cRazy hOw I could make the front page. thanks again!

"Make me the queen of all I see," the woman demanded of the djinn she had summoned. As the woman wept over her newly ruined eyes, the djinn smiled and said, "Your kingdom is beautiful, isn't it?"

A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut. One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole. "SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk. They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. "Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless. Edit: First page guys, thanks! Edit 2: My inbox has never received so much attention

I was cuddling with my wife when she said, "Treat me like I'm a queen!". So I married her off to our neighbor to strengthen our political alliance.

A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari... Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them. "Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people." "Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?" "Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook you, eat you, and use your skin to make a canoe. However we're not entirely uncivilized. We will let you choose the manner of your death, and perform it yourself, if you'd like." The Frenchman steps forward first. "I will take a sword, s'il vous plaît." The cannibals hand him a sword. The Frenchman shouts "Vive la France!" then runs himself through with the sword. Next the Brit steps forward. "I'll have a pistol, chaps." The cannibals hand him a pistol. "God save the Queen!" shouts the Brit, and blows his brains out. Finally the New Yorker steps forward. "Gimme a fork." The cannibals are a bit mystified, but nonetheless give him a fork. He proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork. Arms, legs, face, torso. Anywhere he can stab himself with it, he does so. The chief is aghast. "Good Lord! What are you doing?!?!?!" The New Yorker bellows, **"SO MUCH FOR YER CANOE, YA FUCKING JERKS!"**

If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep? On an heir mattress.

If a king sleeps on a king sized bed, a queen on a queen sized bed, what kind does a prince sleep on? An Heir mattress

GM didn't like the new owners making change A few years ago I decided to get a second part-time job for some extra cash at a well known Burger place. When I started I heard that the GM, we'll call her Tammy, was pretty new at her job and no one seemed to like her much. I soon found out why. She was demanding, didn't know how to talk to people at all. She like to screamed instead. And acted like she was the queen bee that everyone had to wait on. When breakfast was over and I went to throw away all the extra sausages, one of my co-workers rushed over and said "no, wait you have to save one for Tammy. She'll be here soon." So about 11am Tammy comes waltzing in and goes straight to her office. All my coworkers start rushing around to make her a large iced tea and a sausage breakfast sandwich. Someone takes it in to her. She comes barreling out of her office screaming that the sausage wasn't fresh for her liking so make her another. I was just like wow. Then she comes out and walks around, and just yells at people. About everything. I was already thinking at this point that I don't think I will be here long. But thank goodness I only worked morning shifts so only had to deal with her for a couple of hours. Tammy was the worst boss I have ever encountered in all my working life. Our site was recently sold to another company and they sent in "Kevin" to make some changes. He was a nice enough guy but every change he made, as soon as he left Tammy would yell at us for doing things differently (Kevin's way) and not the way she likes them done. We would say, but Kevin said we are to do it this way from now on. And Tammy would yell, "I don't care what Kevin wants, this is my store, I'm the GM and I wants things my way." She told us not to worry about kevin, she would handle him. And I'm thinking, um okay Tammy but aren't these people your boss? You don't own the store, they do. But okay Big Boss Tammy, whatever you say. So the next day Kevin comes in early before miss Tammy. I continue to do things the way Tammy wants them done because that's what she told us to do. When Kevin approached me and said "why are you doing things the old way,I thought I showed you the changes that I have made?" And I answered "yes Kevin, I know and I tried to do things the way you showed us but, Tammy said she is the GM and this is her store and she told us not to worry about what you say and to only worry about what she tells us to do." Kevin said nothing but made a strange face. When Tammy came in they went into her office. I wish I were a fly on the wall. He left not long after and she came out screaming at everyone about the times in drive thru. I swear she just liked yelling, it didn't even matter what it was about. I left that day and just never went back. I'm too old to deal with some Manager that is way too big for her britches. About month later I go to another fastfood place nearby and lo and behold Tammy is at the window. She looks visably embarrassed when she sees me. She hesitates as she starts to hand me my food and I hear a woman in the back say to her in an impatient voice "Tammy what are you doing, we have times to worry about?" she whispers "I know" and hands me my bag as I smile and drive away. The next day I went to my old place for lunch and asked them what happened to Tammy. They gleefully told me that just a couple of days after I quit that Kevin fired her because she kept refusing to do things his way. He also told her he didn't like how she talked to people. They all seemed so happy and I would make sure to visit Tammy's new place every now and then because it's fun to see her have her big ego crushed.

I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

A Frenchmen, A Englishman and an American are traveling in the Amazon When suddenly a cannibal tribe captures them. The cannibal leader steps forward and states "It is nothing against you men. We all have been raised cannibals and need to eat. Every scrap will be used including your skin to make a boat. We will, however, give you the option on how you want to die. Frenchman how do you wish to die?" The Frenchman mulls it over for a minute and declares "I'll use a gun." The tribe gives him a pistol with one bullet. The Frenchman's last words were "Vive La France" and shoots himself. "Englishman how do you wish to die?" The Englishman thinks it over for a few minutes and states "I'll use some poison." The tribe provides the poison. The Englishman says "Long live the Queen" drinks and dies. The tribe then turns to the American. Then American demands "I want a fork" without waiting for the question. Confused, the tribe provides him with a fork. The American then begins to stab himself all over. With a horrified look on their faces the American yells "NOW TRY TO BUILD A BOAT BITCH" and dies.

Got a pen? I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy." I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said "Yes." I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... ... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'

Mary Queen of Scots was my favorite one, but She was found guilty of high treason and the Head of the Monarchy was then.. [removed]

If a King sleeps on a king mattress, and a Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, what does a Prince sleep on? An heir mattress

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane... …when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math. The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane. The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death. The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok, your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".

Choose Your Death A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe. The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out. The Irishman says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole. The chief screams, "What are you doing?" He looks at the chief and says, "Fuck your canoe, asshole!"

And now it’s stuck in my head You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen

What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins! (Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

We thought the shaman in our village was a powerful one as she correctly predicted every disaster one day before it happened. We never considered the possibility of her words being the reason for everything before demons invaded our homes to take their queen back.

3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A couple of years ago, a young businessman overdosed on coke. He rode his horse in front of a train, tried to stop the train and was ripped into pieces. The only thing left was the man's butt and the horses forelock. I patched him up and two weeks ago, this man was sworn in as President of the United States.

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won... Local paper read: "KING'S ASS WON".. The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen . The local news paper then reads: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN" The queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$. Next day paper read:"QUEEN SOLD HER ASS FOR 10$" The next day the king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in the jungle. The next headline was: "THE QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE AND WILD"

The Queen's Surprise The Queen of England is taking a tour of one of America's best hospitals. They are going through different areas, and occasionally meeting with some of the patients. They walk into a room, and inside, a patient is intensely masturbating. The Queen is shocked. "My heavens, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor explains, "I'm sorry your majesty. This patient has a serious medical condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve the pressure several times per day, his testicles will explode, and he'll die." Embarrassed, the queen apologies for her reaction, and they continue on with the tour. A little later, they enter another patients room. Inside, she see a nurse giving a patient a blow job. The Queen is outraged. "By heavens, what on earth is going on here?" The doctor says, "Your majesty, this patient has the same condition as the previous man. But he has a much better health care plan."

King or Queen

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman get captured fighting abroad And the leader of the captors announces 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn, the Englishman first, then the Irishman, the Welshman and lastly the Scotsman. But first, you each can make a final request, seeing as you all hail from honourable nations.' The Englishman responds with a hand on his chest, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one last time to remind me of the old country, played by the London Symphony Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, kissing his clover picked from County Cork, 'I'd like to hear "The Soldiers' Song" just one last time to remind me of the old country, sung by a strapping Irish Girl, with Irish dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, clasping his daffodil pinned to his jacket, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the old country, sung as if by the Tom Jones.' Moving lastly to the Scot, the captor asks his last request as well. The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition. The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes. After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads: "My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

Mafia attorney A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back , "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A King enrolled his donkey in a race and won.. Local Newspaper read: "King's ass won". The King was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the Queen. The local paper then read: "Queen has the best ass in the kingdom". The King fainted. He asked the Queen to get rid of the donkey. Queen sells the donkey to a farmer for $10. Next Day paper read: "Queen sells her ass for $10". The Queen fainted. King ordered Queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in the jungle. Next day's headlines: "Queen announces her ass is free and wild".

My flight was being served My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

I broke two of my dads Queen records... Now I want to break three.

The Magic Cure[NSFW] In a royal court the jester and the court physician are close friends. one day the jester expresses his fantasy of sucking the queen's tits to the physician. the physician says he can make it happen as long as the jester does what he says and pays him 10 gold coins after it is done, the jester agrees. during a routine exam the physician puts irritant in the queen's shirt. in the evening the king calls the royal physicians and tells him about the rash the queen has on her upper body the physician after through examination tells the king that there is only one cure. to get the affected area licked by a man who has eaten a lion's tongue. turns out the jester has recently told the king about him eating a lion's tongue in Africa years ago. The jester is called and gets his hearts desire. afterwards the physician demands payment from the jester who blatantly refuses to pay.the physician leaves without saying a word. a few days later the jester is woken up in the night by a runner "wake up the king is calling you" Jester: why Runner: "the king has a rash on his balls"

The Deaf Bookkeeper A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?'The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger'.

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England. The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics. The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs”. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the Horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Kim Jung il are entering the gates of hell Obama sees that there is a phone at the Devils office and asks him if he could use it to make one last call to his family. The devil says its ok and Obama makes the call. He spoke for 10 minutes and the devil then said it cost 1 million dollars because it was a long distance call. Obama obviously didn't have a choice so he payed up and then entered the gates of hell. Queen Elizabeth then said she wanted to make a call and the devil said it'd come at a price as well. The devil knew that she had a lot of money so after she spoke for 10 minutes he charged her 10 million dollars for her call to England. Queen Elizabeth easily payed the money to the devil and then entered the gates of hell. Kim Jung il was then allowed to make a call. He lost track of the time and talked for over 50 minutes on the phone with his friends in North Korea. After hanging up he realized his mistake and was extremely worried about how much the devil would charge him. The devil went up to him and said 3 cents. Kim Jung il was shocked and then immediately questioned the extremely low price. The devil then replied "It's because making a local call is cheap."

A long time ago in a faraway kingdom the queen was a huge slut. One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why, doesn't that just defeat the whole purpose?" asked the King, and the magistrate promptly picked a pencil off his desk and inserted it into the hole. "SNAP!", the pencil had cleanly sliced into two! "Anything that enters the hole will be sliced off, sire", said the magistrate. Thoroughly impressed, the King instructed the Queen to wear it for the entire year and left for his expedition. Upon his return, the King called for a meeting of all his country folk. They were all instructed to drop their pants, and the King made his rounds noticing that many were missing fingers as well as their most vital part. Then, he saw the quiet knight Sir Xavier, fingers and all still intact. "Xavier, the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But alas, Sir Xavier was speechless.

Obama travels to England to visit the Queen.... As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in the jungle. Suddenly they're captured by cannibals, dragged off and tied to a tree. Shortly the Englishman is untied and brought before the chief of the cannibal tribe. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to make a canoe. Any last requests?" "Yes," says the Englishman, "I'd like a knife." They bring him one and he steps up before the chief, says "God save the Queen!" and slits his own throat and dies. They drag him away. Next the Frenchman is untied and brought before the chief. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to make a canoe. Any last requests?" "Yes," says the Frenchman, "I'd like a knife." They bring him one and he steps up, says "Vive le France!" and slits his own throat and dies. They drag him away. Finally the American is untied and brought before the chief. The chief says "Okay, here's the deal: we're gonna kill you, we're gonna cook you, we're gonna eat you, and then we're gonna use your skin to make a canoe. Any last requests?" "Yes," says the American, "I'd like a fork." They bring him one, and he steps up before the chief and begins stabbing himself over and over in the chest and stomach. "What are you doing?" asks the chief. Still stabbing, the American replies "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"

A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash. The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up." The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect. The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three of you must make a sacrifice. May God have mercy on your souls." The Japanese man decides to jump out first and shouts "Tenno haika banzai! (Long live the Emperor)". The Englishman in all his dignity closes his eyes, jumps down and shouts "God save the Queen!". The American quickly gets up, throws the Mexican off the plane and yells "Remember the Alamo!"

I was going through my old stuff when I broke two Queen records. Now I want to break three.

A maid asks for a raise A maid asks for a raise from the queen. "Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands. "Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?" The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.". The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason. "I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise. The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?". The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did." The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar... An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds." "No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It’s far too expensive." "How ‘bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull. "Whose skull is that?" "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

Saudi Arabia is banning chess, calling it Haram. Reasons are : 1. Queen doesn't wear burkha. 2. Queen roams freely wherever it wants . 3. Queen is more powerful than King 4. Queen alone goes to other army's side 5. And.... Most importantly there's only one queen..

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? "Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal? Darth Vader.

The Gay Flight Attendant A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch. EDiT : Changed narration from 1st Person to 3rd.

Men Will Be Men Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ), in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours.... He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him. "What's wrong ?" King asks. . . . . Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid... so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

A joke for Donald Trump - what do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel

Did you hear some people are saying listening to Queen causes autism? Apparently it's because of the unusually high Mercury content.

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king" "Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are walking through the jungle when they are captured by cannibals. They are brought before the cannibal chief. He says, 'I have some good news, and some bad news. Bad news is when you are dead, we are going to eat you, use your bones for tools and make canoes out of your skin. Good news is that you choose how you die.' The Englishman asked for a sword, said 'God save the Queen" and ran himself through. The Frenchman asked for a gun, said 'Viva La France' and blew his brains out. The American asked for a fork and started stabbing himself all over till there were thousands of tiny holes spraying blood. The cannibal chief exclaimed 'What the hell are you doing?!?' The American looked up and with his final breath said, 'There goes your god damned canoe'

So Prince Charles is hunting in the woods When he notices a rustling in the bushes. After shooting at it he hears a yelp and goes to see what he's shot. To his horror, he's accidentally killed one of the Queen's corgis. "Oh Mother will be so angry" he thinks to himself. It is at that moment that he stumbles and knocks over a lamp on the ground and a genie appears and says "You freed me from the lamp, so I shall grant you a wish!" Delighted by this amazing coincidence, Charles says "Yes could you bring this dog back to life?" Sadly the genie replies, "I'm sorry but I cannot raise a living thing from the dead, it is too great a task even for me." Crestfallen, Charles decides he may as well go for a selfish wish then and says "If that's the case, could you make Camilla beautiful?" Awkwardly, the genie responds "So you shot your dog, huh?"

A British guy, a French guy, a Texan, and a Mexican are all on a boat together. They sail on for a while, when suddenly a storm breaks loose. The boat begins to fill with water. Realizing that sinking in inevitable, the Brit screams "God save the Queen!", and then jumps off. They remaining three are fine for a while, but water is still pouring into the boat. Realizing that sinking is once again inevitable, the French dude screams "Viva la France!" and jumps into the water. Once again, the boat survives, until even more water starts to pour in. Worried, the Texan screams "Remember the Alamo!", and throws the Mexican off the boat.

Let's make it Aussie joke day. A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

A king suspects that his queen has ....been fucking around with his 7 ministers. So, one night after sex, he inserts a small blade in her vagina in such a way that even she wouldn't know of its presence. One week elapses. During their administrative session in the Grand Hall, he asks the first minister to show his penis. Just as he suspected, there is a cut on his penis. Furious, he orders his men to chop off the minister's head right there. He then checks the next minister's penis. The same finding and beheading occurs. The pattern repeats for the next 3 ministers as well. He then checks the penis of his last minister. There is NO cut. The king was relieved that at least one of his ministers wasn't fucking his queen. Delighted, he confers various gifts to him and gives him a small city as gift, to which the minister responds gratefully, "Flank you my king, flank you."

Face the Music A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?" "Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies. "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the fuckin Clarinet." "We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the fuckin Clarinet. "Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the Fucking Clarinet!"

I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo. That's Abba-rigonal

Queen of England Obama was talking to the queen of England and he asked her how she runs her country so well. The queen replies quite simply that she chooses the best people to run it. Obama considers this for a moment and then asks, "how do you ensure that they are the best people for the job?" The queen answers that she quizzes them, and as an example she calls in Tony Blair. She asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" Tony replies "well of course, it's me". Obama thinks this is smart so he repeats the question to Joe Biden. Biden runs around Washington all day trying to find an answer but no one can figure it out. Finally he comes to the Attorney General and asks him, "your parents have a child; it's not your brother it's not your sister, who is it?" The general replies "of course, it's me". So Biden goes back to Obama and says "it's general so and so", Obama replies, "no you idiot, it's Tony Blair"!

So Queen of Englad was bored and summoned an American, a frenchman and a russian... They gather at the palace. The queen says: "Bring me your greatest weapon!". And so they went and came back. The frenchman brought a pistol, the american - an assault rifle while the russian is nowhere to be seen. The queen got tired of waiting and said the rest: " now take those weapons and shove them up your arse!" The frechman takes the pistol and shoves it up no problem, didnt feel a thing The american is stuffing the rifle as hard as he can and keeps crying and laughing, crying and laughing The queen asks:" why are you alternating between crying laughing?" The american answers:" I'm crying because this hurts, jesus fucking christ. I'm laughing because the russian is driving over here with a fucking tank" edit: forgot some words

So there's this terrible shipwreck, with only three survivors - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. So there's a terrible shipwreck, and there are only three survivors that wash up onto a desert island - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. They're immediately captured by cannibals and spend days locked in a cage, awaiting their fate. Finally the Chief of the cannibals comes to them, after days of starvation, and says "We're going to kill you, eat you, and make canoes out of your skin." "Oh no," they cry. "Won't you reconsider?" "No," says the Chief. "But I will let each of you choose how you will die." So the British guy says, "Very well, if I must die, give me a pistol with a single shot." So they do, and he bravely puts it to his head and says "God Save The Queen," and blows his brains out. Next the French guy says, "Oui, if I must go, give me ze noose." So they do, and he throws it around a tree branch and bravely says "Viva la France," and hangs himself. Lastly the guy from Jersey scratches his junk, spits, and says "Hey yeah, uh, gimme a fork." So they do, and he stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, all over. He says "Fuck your canoe."

NSFW A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island.. A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island when they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The chief delivers good and bad news to the three men. "The bad news is you men will be killed, we will eat your intestines and we will use your skin for our canoes. The good news is you can choose how you'll be killed." The Frenchman says, give me a sword and declares, "Vive la France" and stabs his heart. The Englishman requests a pistol and says, "I die in the name of my country and queen" and shoots himself in the head. Finally the New Yorker barks, "give me fork" and starts stabbing himself repeatedly while shouting, "I don't care what happens but fuck your damn canoes!"

Lancelot! Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him. "I want to be with the Queen, help me" So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Queen starts to feel the effect. Arthur, desperate, calls Merlin to advise him on what to do. "Your majesty, this is an enchantment which only the saliva of noble knight Lancelot can cure. He must apply it to the Queen for three hours" The King concedes, and Lancelot has his wish granted. The next day, Merlin goes to Lancelot: "I've kept my part. Pay me" "What? I won't pay you for only three hours!" This angers Merlin, who leaves, then puts itchy powder on the King's boxers. Arthur, in pain, calls out: "Lancelot!"

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen? Killed in a tunnel.

Why are fire engines red? Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight makes twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was a ruler, and Queen Elizabeth was also a ship, and the ship sailed the seas, and there were fish in the seas, and fish have fins, and the Finns fought the Russians, and the Russians are red, and fire trucks are always “Russian" around, so that's why fire trucks are red! Edit: [the jig is up!](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CjVBbALUoAAb6r_.jpg)

In honor of HRH on her birthday A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does. "I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies. "Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep asks. "After so much in-breeding to keep the bloodlines pure, I'm working with some of the stupidest, most stubborn things on Earth." the dog trainer says. "Ah, I can see how that'd be frustrating." "You want to know the worst part of it all? The dogs aren't that bright either."

A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked at sea... They wash up on an island where they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The Chief of the tribe says to the three men,"We are going to sacrifice all of you, eat you, and use your skins for a canoe. We will allow you each to choose how you die." The Brit asks for poison. The Chief hands him a cup and before the man takes the sip he exclaims, "God save the Queen!". He quickly falls to the sand. The Frenchman gets up and asks for a knife. The Frenchman shouts,"Viva la France!" and then he slits his throat. The American jumps up and asks the Chief for a fork. Confused, the Chief grants the man's final wish. The American begins stabbing himself repeatedly all over his body, and blood gushes everywhere, all over the sand. The chief shouts, "What are you doing?!" to which the American replied, "Fuck your canoe!"

4 men entered a plane... ...an Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and a Texan and were flying across the country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

The Queen and the Chastity Belt One day, King Arthur had to leave the kingdom for an extended period. He took his most trusted knight, Lancelot, aside for a moment. "Lancelot, I fear Guinevere is not entirely faithful to me. Therefore, I have placed a chastity belt upon her. Now I entrust you alone with the key", and with that, placed the key in his hand. Soon Arthur was on his way. Before he left behind sight of the castle, however, he heard a galloping horse racing up to him. It was Lancelot. "King Arthur! King Arthur! You've given me the wrong key!"

What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal? Darth Vader.

What do you get when you cross the Queen of England and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel.

Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years That's one hell of a dodgy curry.

The benefits of good health insurance Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn't do this five times a day his testicles will explode". "Oh, I didn't know a condition like that exists". Ten minutes later the queen see's a man receiving oral pleasure from a nurse. "What is this!" she yells out. The nurse giving the tour calmly says "same problem, better health insurance."

Two chefs go on vacation (OC) Two chefs decide to take a vacation together. Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to kings and queens." One chef says to the other, "Wow, I hope one day I can be a legendary chef like that guy, this is really inspiring." The other chef responds, "You know what, I'm going to steal that whisk, once I have it, I'll be the greatest chef in the world!" The first chef, trying to convince him otherwise, says, "Are you nuts!? Look at all the security around here, you'll be arrested and never cook again!" The second chef replies, "Well...that's just a whisk I'm willing to take."

Why did Elton John have to go to hospital after the Queen concert? They found traces of Mercury in him.

I once went to an open air Queen concert. It was good, but there was a terrible electrical storm during the set Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening...

How do Australian bees please the queen bee? They bee hive

Why doesn't the queen's farts smell? Because it's a noble gas.

How would you tell if the Queen was stoned? Her Highness will tell you

The Queen of England dies and goes to heaven. Naturally, she spends her first few hours there catching up with all of her dead friends and family members. Eventually, she sees Princess Diana, and they start chatting, but Queen Elizabeth is clearly distracted. Eventually, she finally asks, "Diana, dear, why is it that nobody else here has a halo except for you?" A furious Diana responds, "That's a steering wheel, bitch!"

A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven... St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven. The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots." So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five." The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10" "That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?" "Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."

The Middle Ages Queen: Babe come to bed its late. King: Not until I can come up with a cool name for my soldiers! Queen: k night. King: holy shit you're a genius!

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." ... The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart. The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

Say what you will about drag queens... but they get into more woman's pants than I do.

Donald Meets The Queen of England! Together the Queen of England and Donald Trump proceeded to Buckingham Palace in a carriage drawn by six white horses. Regrettably, the rear horse let go of a putrid and lingering fart. The coach stunk like a sewage treatment plant, and the Queen turned to Donald and said: "Mister Trump, please accept my humblest apologies, but there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Donald quickly replied: "Please don't give it a second thought Your Majesty; but I must tell you, I really thought it was one of the horses".

Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died.

Prayers A WOMAN'S POEM: Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand.. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with Big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, And loves to send me fishing and drinking. This Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The Queen of England visits a hospital.... And while she is there, the doctor is showing her his most peculiar patients. He brings her to the first patient, and they catch the man inside masturbating ferociously. The Queen is clearly outraged while the doctor doesn't appear to be phased at all by this. The Queen turns to the doctor and says, "Why are you not doing anything about this? This is disgusting!" "Don't worry, " said the doctor "this man just has a rare disease where if he doesn't ejaculate constantly, his testicles will explode." The Queen calms down, collects her composure, and requests that they continue on with the tour. They go to the next door down and they open it up to see an attractive nurse performing fellatio on a patient. The Queen asks the doctor why he is allowing this crude act to be performed, and the doctor said,"He has the same disease as the last man you saw, but he has better insurance. "

How does Queen Elizabeth win a game of poker? She goes to the bathroom.