100+ Programmer Jokes

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be a programmer," said the balloonist. "I am" replied the woman,"How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman,"You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow "it's my fault."

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer? One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

Stripped of Manager Position ... OK I Can Do That This happened decades ago -but after reading another MC I figured I'd post this. I was a manager of a programming department. I initially had 5 programmers reporting to me and I was able to spend half of my time programming and half managing. I had always gotten exceeds or far exceeds expectations on my annual reviews. About 10 years later my team had 25 people and I was spending less and less time programming. Fast forward a few years and I missed 2 months during the year for a surgery and hospital stay and in my annual review my boss (who knew nothing about programming) told me I was not doing a good job and the programming department was missing deliverable dates (probably because I was in the hospital). They wanted me to go back to just programming and I was stripped of my manager and only focus on programming. I was pissed off but I told him that I can do that. I told my former staff what had happened and told them to direct ALL questions to my boss (who knew zero about programming). He was overwhelmed and soon senior management figured out that my boss was the problem not me. They canned him and replaced him with the VP of programming in the UK (I am in the US). She was great since she started as a programmer and was an excellent boss in general. Since I was just a programmer now - all of the managers were in the UK and I told my former staff to direct all questions to their new bosses in the UK. Since there was 6 hour time difference and we only overlapped 2 or 3 hours each day that made getting questions answered in a timely fashion quite difficult. In the meantime my health wasn't the best and my doctor told me I should go to a 4 day/32 hour work week so I my health wouldn't continue to suffer. Since my employer was a strict 40 hour week company I looked for another job and got 8 job offers in about a month. I was ready to resign. Finally after a few months my new boss asked me to be a manager again because of the time difference between US & UK and because I most experience as a programmer in the company. Instead I gave her my resignation and explained why. She asked me what it would it would get me to stay and I told I wanted a 10% raise and wanted to work 4 day/32 hour work work. I gave her 24 hours to respond. She spoke to higher ups and finally came back the next day and agreed.

Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

OK - I won't answer my old staff's questions and help them ... Before I retired I was manager and programmer in a department located in the US. I would program, manage, assign projects, create timelines, answer questions that my staff had, etc. The company I worked for decided to consolidate the US and UK programming departments and the new boss decided have only managers in the UK oversee the programmers in the US. This meant that I was only supposed to keep programming (I had the most experience among all the US/UK programmers) and no longer needed to do the management side of things (but I still got the same pay I used to). Due to a 6 hour time difference between the US and UK that meant that there were only 2 or 3 hours each day that we overlapped. This left the rest of the day for my old staff to either wait until the next day to ask their new boss or come to me and I could answer immediately. The latter made more sense so they could keep working - but eventually the UK managers complained to US/UK boss that the US staff wasn't coming to them to help and were still coming to me - which the UK managers were having a conniption about. My boss told me to stop helping my old staff when they asked me questions and that they needed to ask their new manager. So it was time for malicious compliance... I went back to only programming and when my old staff came and asked me questions (usually in the afternoons US time since the UK was done for the day). I told them I was told to no longer help them and they should ask their new UK manager the next day or send their UK boss an email with their question. I told them it was time for malicious compliance - since the US programmers knew exactly what would happen. So my old team started deluging their UK bosses with questions, problems, etc. and then had to wait until the next day or 2 to get answer. Within 2 weeks the US team was missing deadlines, etc. and the UK managers had to answer for why their team was missing deadlines. After a couple more weeks my boss and the UK managers came to the realization that due to the 6 hour time different there should be manager in the US (which is exactly what I told them weeks ago). Finally my boss asked me if would like to be a manager again and I told her I was happy just programming and didn't need the other work. They ended up giving me a raise in order to get me go back to managing the US programmers.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.

A wife tells her programmer husband: “Go to the store and buy a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get six.” He comes back with six gallons of milk. When she asks why, he replies: “They had eggs".

Use the API as provided? Ok. I have been a computer programmer for about 25 years now, and it's crazy how people can become so territorial and controlling over their little kingdoms. I was on a project about 10 years ago that, when my team was assigned to the project to program the front end orchestration services and UI, we were handed a backend API that stored nearly 0% of the data that Design said we needed to display. We went to the team that set up the backend with a list of all of the features that were missing and were told that the comments period ended six months prior, and what we had was the final version. We pointed out that was six months prior to us even hearing about the project, but they wouldn't budge. We racked our brains for a while, and eventually someone noticed that of the fields that were there but generally useless to our needs, there was a freeform "notes" field. We came to the conclusion that we would take all of the data we needed, model it how it was useful to us, JSON encode it, and stuff it all into the notes field. We took the approach to our manager, and since there was literally no other way for us to proceed, he approved it. We started working on that approach, but word of what we were doing started moving up the chain of command. About a week into it, we were told that the backend team was re-reviewing the needs of this particular API and would like our input as to what we needed for this project. I guess someone didn't like the idea of us using the "final" version.

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.

A programmer’s wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread." "If they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with twelve loaves of bread. She asks why, and he says, "Because they had eggs."

Cool, Embarrass yourself the perfect way! Used to work in an startup as the lead developer managing a team of 8. I had this manager (calling him B from now), who had a long history of jealousy and in any occasion used to mention he used to be a programmer in his youth as well and he knows much better than everyone (believe me, he was a 50 years old kid). At some point our company got a project from one of the banks, with deadline of two months. The project was somehow complex mathematically but doable in two months with right choice of people and planning. I was explaining this in a mutual meeting with B and CEO, when B jumped in my speak: "This is a serious project, unlike other projects you are in charge of. I will manage this project personally and will hire new team reporting directly to me, it's better if you do not get involved in such a serious projects". Thing is, I had a successful experience in rich mathematical projects and CEO got that project exactly because of it's similarity with our other project which involved same mathematics. I exactly knew what must be done there. but B? it was the best opportunity for him to embarrass himself. "Perfect! I'll focus on our own products then and you take charge of this project" I told to B, in front of the CEO. B started inteviews and asked me to participate. I helped him a bit, but it was a challenge for him to accept people I rejected, just because they answered nonsense questions asked by him (like, how many doors did you see coming to our floor, what was the color of the third door, like, really?!). The project started, and after one month not hearing anything from them, I had a request from B: "my team has done everything, but we need a little help, can you give us these APIs to return some data?". Told him let me see our plannings to see if I can dedicate time for this. Then sent him a letter in our system somehow like this: "As per our discussion, Our team can deliver the APIs in a short time. We just need you to respond to this letter with a short description of inputs and expected outputs of whatever API you need. it doesn't need to be lengthy, so we are ready to start as soon as we get the documents." No response was given and I forgot about it until next month, when the deadline had been passed by a week. while shopping at a weekend night, I received a call from the CEO, with the angriest tone I had ever heard, screaming: "WHY HAVEN'T YOU GAVE B THE APIS, THE PROJECT CAN NO LONGER WAIT AND B SAYS YOUR TEAM FAILED TO GIVE THEM WHAT YOU PROMISED". I responded "Look, stop screaming and give me 5 minutes, and then you can do whatever is needed." \+"Ok, tell me", \-"Search for this letter in the system from me to B at that time range. Open it and then I'll continue". \+"Found it" \-"So B requested this last month, all he had to do was to respond to this letter in 10 minutes and I could give him whatever he needed. But not only he didn't, he never again mentioned it in person as well" \+"Got it, will call you back soon". One hour later I called again to see why didn't he call me. CEO responded with: "He and his team didn't do anything except some mockups for the bank. Not a single line of backend code was written and they were looking for a victim to blame him. He didn't respond you because he couldn't wirte they need all the backend fully be implemented by you". Due to friendship B had with the CEO, he wasn't imediately get fired, but next month he left the company on his own. During that month his team was merged into my team, they were good people despite previously being rejected by me. Just they were not suitable for a 2 month deadline project. And I got the role of him right after. Still one of my best stories so far.

A programmer goes shopping A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping. "hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12" So the programmer went shopping. When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked "why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!" The programmer responded. "they have eggs"

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread... On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue.

Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C#.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train... A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!" Edit: Fixed wall of text.

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register... A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk: > $2.50 Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky? > $4.99 Excellent. 20 oz soda? > $1.59 Perfect. How about this box of cigarettes? > ERROR Huh? Maybe try this can of snuff? > ERROR Shit. So he looks through the code again, making sure he checked every parenthesis and spelled every function correctly. He checks. Double checks. Triple checks. Finally, he sees the problem. It was a sin tax error.

A programmer's wife A programmer's wife says: "go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 12 loaves of bread.

A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread." He never returned.

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread. On his way out the door his wife says, "And while you're there, get a carton of eggs." The guy never returned.

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping. Wife: “Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.” Husband: “O.K., hun.” Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted. Wife: “Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?” Husband: “They had eggs.”

A programmers wife asks him to go to the grocery She says "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get 12." The programmer returns with 12 gallons of milk.

Why are Communists bad Java programmers? They don't like classes.

Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible? No comment.

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.” “Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.” Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?” God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

Five cannibals hired by an IT firm Five cannibals are selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees. Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks, we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no one would notice anything. Why did you have to go and eat the cleaner?!"

Problem about being in IT. You go by requirements and logic. Husband is a programmer. Wife : Honey, please go to the super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6. He came back with 6 bottles of milk. Wife: Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?!?! Husband (confused): BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS. He still doesn't understand why his wife yelled at him since he did exactly as she told him.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife. He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff. His wife looks at him angrily and says, "You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'" The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says, "I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

A Software Programmer is going to the store..... His wife says "get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." The guy comes back with 12 loaves of bread. His wife says "why did you get so much bread?" He says, "they had eggs.

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb? None, it is a hardware issue!

Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread." He never returned.

A programmer is going to the grocery store... A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

Why do computer programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25

A programmer's wife sends him to the store for a loaf of bread. On his way out she adds, "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". He returns home with 12 loaves of bread.

Why don't programmers go on panty raids? Because they get undie find errors.

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

A hooker decides to marry... After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman." He replied, "This is true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get".

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed. His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen." So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

Information Technology cannibals Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand rise hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything. Why you just had to go and eat the cleaner?!"

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem. [source](http://nerdfighteria.info/video/54/Zrnd63DAH8o)

Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.

Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers? They have a history with codeine.

What's a programmer's favorite drug? Codeine.

Programmers How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem.

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified... He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

Why are C programmers never invited to parties? They have no class

A programmer heads to the shops His wife says "grab a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get a dozen" He comes home with twelve loaves of bread.

What does a programmer have during sex? An ||gasm.

[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown? Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)

People think being a programmer is super exciting But sometimes it's just null and void.

Problem about being a Programmer Wife said, "Honey, please go to super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6". He came back with 6 bottles of milk. She said " Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?" He said "BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS". He still does not understand why his wife scolded him after his reply.😟😕😦

There are 2 kinds of programmers Those who understand pointers and Segmentation fault (core dumped)

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect... ...but they fried me for no raisin.

Job Interview A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts. As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's résumé and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom. He turns the résumé over, but finds that the other side is blank. The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your résumé?" The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"

What is a computer programmer’s favorite type of clothing? Soft Wear

A programmers wife tells him... A programmers wife tells him: Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes back with 12 loaves of bread...

A programmers wife tells him to buy groceries She says buy bread, and if there are eggs get a dozen. He came home with twelve loaves of bread

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? none, that's a hardware problem.

Why can't java programmers see well? Because of the eclipse.

I don't often tell Dad programming jokes But when I do he does not get them, since he is not a programmer.

What do you call a nation of programmers? A developing country

I use to work as a programmer for auto correct, then they fired me for no raisin.

How do programmers like their snacks? Byte-sized.

Why are C programmers poor? They don't have any inheritance. Or... Why should you not date a C programmer? They have no class.

Jesus VS Satan Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves"

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table... ...one full of water in case he gets thirsty, one empty in case he doesn't.

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop... A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop. The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!" "That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer" "So? What's that got to do with anything?" "Errors are serious, warnings are nothing...".

Why was the NSA computer programmer late for work? Because he got Snowden

Why do programmers always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 25 DEC = 31 OCT.

A physicist, a biologist, a programmer, and a mathematician .... are sitting at a café across from an empty building. They observe two people enter and then, later, three leave. The physicist says, "Apparently there was some error with our measurements." The biologist says, "Obviously, they reproduced while in the building." The mathematician opines, "If now one more were to enter the building, it would again be empty." And then the programmer replies "they must've used a backdoor".

A programmer... A programmer’s wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, “get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, “they had eggs.”

QA engineer walks into a bar ...(x-post from r/programmerHumor) Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.

Reading between the lines. 1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

There are 10 types of programmers: Those who understand binary and those who don't

Jokes generated by AI at the University of Edinburgh I like my relationships like I like my source: Open. I like my coffee like I like my war: Cold. I like my boys like I like my sectors: Bad. http://www.i-programmer.info/news/105-artificial-intelligence/6210-ai-is-funny-a-generative-joke-model.html

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

A nerdy sysadmin joke for today Why do programmers think Halloween's the same as Christmas? Because 31OCT == 25DEC (thank you very much)

Why did the PHP programmer go to the optician? because he didn't C#

How many agile programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One to write the web page. One to make the video proclaiming the changing to be the next step towards the singularity. One to upload the video to Kickstarter. One to send out invitations to a meeting to decide whether to use Scrum or another method. One to argue that the way the invitations were sent out was a privacy violation. One to suggest that the team should have used a different framework for the JavaScript on the web page. One to insist that everything be open source. And finally one to note that it's impossible to change the bulb in the dark anyway so the focus of the project really needs to be about new lighting technologies.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue.

It's OK to go number 1 in the shower... ...unless you count like a computer programmer.

A programmer's wife... ...says to her husband that she wants him to go to the grocery store. She says "I need you to get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer later returns with twelve loaves of bread.

Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever? Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"

A programmers wife tells him... "Run to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 12 loaves of bread. @SciencePorn tweeted this, I saw it there, don't know the original source.

Jesus and Satan are having a furious argument... Jesus and Satan are having a furious argument as to who is the better computer programmer. They decide to hold a competition and ask God to be the judge. They set themselves up on their computers and begin. They type furiously, likes of code steaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored and God announces that the contest is over. God asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset and cries 'I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.' 'Very well, then,' says God, 'Let us see if Jesus fared any better.' Jesus entered a command and the screen comes to life in a vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, 'But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact? How did he do it?' God chuckles, 'Everybody knows.. Jesus saves.'

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb? None, that is a hardware problem.

Why do programmers drink coffee so much? So they aren't lying when they say they like Java.

What's the programmer's favorite drug? A line of code.

Programming logic The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer? Because they'll always let friends access their private members. Ba dum tiss.

What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop? A Stack Overflow

A Job Wanted A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.' The woman looks up, amazed, and says, 'Good heavens, a talking dog! Er... well, let's try the circus in town. I'll give them a ring.' The dog says, 'The circus? What on earth would the circus do with a computer programmer?'

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer? Ask them what "!" is

Why did the programmer quit his job? He didn't get arrays... edit: After googling I found out this joke already existed :|

Why do java programmers need to wear glasses? Because they can't C#!

A mother to her programmer son... "Son, go to the shop and buy one milk bottle, also, if there are eggs, buy 12" Says the mother. So the son goes to the shop and returns with twelve bottles of milk. The surprised mother asks: "Why in the world did you bring 12 bottles!?" "Because there were Eggs"

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store 'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.' Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?' He responded 'They had eggs.'

How do programmers get a sixpack? int[][] abs = new int[2][3]