50+ Prison Jokes

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence Edit: i am aware he isnt a mumble rapper

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back. And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian. The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was. They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country. They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?" "How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

A college girl once had a very active sex life... She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, she was on birth control. Only, one day, her period didn't come as expected. She thought it was probably nothing, but she was suspicious nonetheless. She went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and, lo and behold, she was indeed pregnant. Well, shit. Due to her active sex life and having slept with all those prisoners and frat boys, she didn't really know, which one of them had gotten her pregnant. She thought about what she was to do. Should she keep the baby? How could she find the father? And then it hit her. She had to make a list of all the bros and cons.

Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? You know he's guilty.

The hardest part of living alone with my wife who has Alzheimer’s is receiving my lunch for the twentieth time today. My body stays quiet, a prison built by my stroke, as she fills my my feeding tube once more and I can’t even tell her to stop.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book. "What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard. "I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man. "Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here." "I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man. "How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard. And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she says to a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work so hard he's exhausted!" The officer laughs: "Work? Ma'am, he only eats, sleeps, and stays in his cell" The wife replies: "That's strange.. he told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"

Why should you fear white people in prison instead of the blacks? Because you know that whites are in for actually comitting something.

What’s scary about a white man in prison? You know he actually did it.

I killed a child molester in prison I can't have competition.

Why don't black people get sunburnt? Cause prisons are indoors.

Jesus loves you. A nice thing to hear at Christmas. A terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

If prisoners took their own mugshots, They would be called 'cellfies'.

Hey guys, don't you just hate it when you're woken up in the middle of the night for sex? can't wait to get out of prison.

The man begged, “por favor, soy inocente,” but the executioner’s apprentice still swung his axe. The executioner breathed a sigh of relief, it really was easier to start them on prisoners who didn’t speak English.

Three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement, but each is allowed to take one luxury with them to their cells. The first man asks for as many law books as will fit in his cell. The second man asks for every medical book that has been published within the past five years. The third man asks for 300 packs of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, the three men are released from prison. As the first man's door opens, he comes out and says, “I studied so hard, I can now become as a lawyer!” When the second man's door opens, he comes out and says, “After all the learning, I can now become a doctor!” Finally, the door to the third man's cell opens. He comes out and says, “Anybody got a match?” ----- EDIT: I accidentally made the first man come out twice.

"Here's how rehabilitation works at our prison: You do everything we tell you for one year, and it doesn't matter what your sentence is, you're free to go." Staring down at a puddle, I struggled to place why I was feeling such intense deja-vu, until I noticed a gray streak that wasn't in my hair yesterday.

Only in a sleep deprived state, may you find this funny. The guy with a big orange head... A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with **a big orange head.** Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, **my** **first wish** is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for **my next wish** , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible." The genie booms, 'You have **one wish remaining**.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."

I spent 20 years in prison for a crime that I didn't even commit, praying that I might someday see my kids again. And when I finally did, I beat them to death with a bat, just like they did to their mother before they pinned it on me.

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

The prison monitoring system on Sol 3A, silent for millennia, suddenly sent a burst of extremely disturbing data. We are still analysing the information, because it defies all logic how the original two prisoners on Sol 3 now number over eight billion.

It's midnight and a woman awakes to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15", he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears because her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and realizes that her husband is not in bed. She gets up and finds him in the kitchen. The man is staring blankly while drinking coffee, his mind far away. And there are tears running down his face. “What’s wrong, my love?” the woman asks. “Do you remember our first date 20 years ago?” the man says. “Of course,” the woman replies. “We were 16 back then. Your father caught us making out in the back seat.” “Yes, I remember.” “Do you also remember your father pointing his gun at my face and saying, ‘You will either marry my daughter or spend 20 years in prison’?” “How could I forget…” The man wipes the tears from his cheek and says: “You know… I would’ve been getting out of prison today…”

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted of eating his wife. The soldiers arrested him and brought him before Caesar. "Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caesar asked. The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy. Caesar was shocked. He told the guards, "To commit such an act is bad enough, but to be happy about it? As a punishment, keep him in chains, and every day make him fight armed opponents, using only the minimum of weapons! Report back to me in a week, we'll see if he's still smiling." The guards dragged the man off. He was still smiling. As they were commanded, each day they made the prisoner fight. On the first day, armed with only a net and a stick, he fought an opponent with a spear. The next day, with only a small rope, he fought two swordsmen. And so on, he was forced to fight every day. At the end of the week, the prisoner was in a real sorry state. He could barely blink, let alone smile.  The head guard came to Caesar. "Oh, Caesar, I  have come to report on the prisoner. We made him fight each day, using the most basic weapons, like a, er, you know, whaddaya call it?" "Gladiator?" said Caesar. The guard snickered, "No, he actually quite regrets it now."

Why wouldn't you find my father in a gay bar? Because he's in prison.

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison. The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time." The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling down." The third guy pulls out a box of tampons. "What the hell are we supposed to do with those!?" ask the first two. "Well, it says on the back that I can ride, swim, ski, *and* play tennis with these."

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Why did all the prisoners at the AT&T jail escape? Because they had no bars on their cells!

Uncle was sentenced to 1-5 years in prison. \*Ba dum-tsss

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up medication for her sick husband. When she got back to the car, she found she’d locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his bike and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and was in such a rush I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man." The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent a professional!”

Why is 6 afraid of 7? It's a fairly common question, mostly because when people see 6 and 7 next to each other, it doesn't really make sense. 6 is large, muscled, and trained in multiple martial arts, while 7 is fairly average, physically, and short. However, 6's fear of 7 has its roots in childhood. See, 6 and 7 grew up together, and for a few years, they were best friends. But then 6 kissed 3, and they become childhood sweethearts. But 7 secretly had feelings for 3, so 7 decided he needed to destroy 6 to win 3's affection. He started subtly, undermining 6 whenever possible with passive aggressive comments, and compli-sults. But over time, things got much more insidious. 7 started messing with 6's performance in school, bringing down his grades and turning teachers against him. Even worse, 7 became great friends with 6's parents and slowly turned them against their own offspring. At night, 7 would sneak into 6's bedroom, and whisper depressing and hopeless things into his ears. And every time 3 was around, 7 would pants 6 and make fun of his genitalia, or try to body shame him in other ways. However, 3 was both smart and compassionate, and saw through 7's schemes, and stuck with 6, trying to counter 7's phycological tear-down with compliments, and friendship. Finally, 7 decided that he would never be able to win 3, so he drugged both 6 and 3, and took them to an abandoned cobbler's hut on the edge of town. There, he proceeded to torture and maim 3, forcing 6 to watch in horror, unable to do anything to save his sweetheart. 7 didn't kill 3, but instead, put her in a semi-vegetative state. 7 cleaned the scene of his presence, then called the cops, and 6 was blamed for 3's condition. 6 was sent to prison, and because they believed 6 was guilty, 6's parents fell into a deep depression, eventually committing suicide over what they believed 6 had done. After serving 17 years of a 30-year sentence, and getting out on good behavior, 6, now muscled and skilled as a fighter, thought he might get revenge on 7. But when he finally tracked 7 down, he found out that 7 had installed a micro-bomb into 3's body, and should he be killed, the bomb would automatically go off and kill 3 as well. And though she was still in a mostly fugue state, 6 couldn't bring himself to hurt her any further, and decided to try and move on with his life. However, being an ex-con, it was hard to get a job. 6 finally found employment at a diner, which 7 then bought, and proceeded to again undermine and toy with 6 at every turn. 6 tried to find employment elsewhere, but 7 contacted any potential employer and soured them against 6. 6 finally realized that no matter what he did, 7 was going to try and ruin his life, and he resigned himself to living as a broken, lonely man, never able to stand up to the depraved, amoral 7.

Speeding motorist A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Jesus could walk on water.People are 75% on water.I walked on people therefore i am In Prison

WHY I AM SO TIRED For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. Now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me . . . and you're sitting there reading jokes.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? 10 years in prison for violating ethical genetic research law.

For a month now, my ex-wife has been taking pleasure in tormenting me when I try to sleep. She keeps describing in detail what my life will be like in prison, when her body is inevitably found.

Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed... ...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

In the prison shower A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly "With or without spit?!" The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers "With spit" To which the giant shouts to another inmate. "Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!" *Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*

Two Teenage Boys Were Arrested For Doing Drugs When they went to court, the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs. The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?" The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison..."

why should you be afraid of a white man in prison? because you know he's guilty.

The world rejoiced when scientists discovered a way to make humans virtually immortal. But now, 477 years later, some of the worst of humanity have finished their sentences and are being released from prison.

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines. My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it: --- A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners. He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter. "What's going on?" he asked his cellmate. "Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier." "Oh," he says, "can I try?" "Sure, go ahead." So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes *nuts*. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. "Wow, good joke huh?" "Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!" --- And here's the other punchline that threw me for a loop after years of hearing this joke: --- So, he yells out "102!" and the place is dead quiet save for a few groans. Confused, he looks at his cellmate who is just shaking his head. "Hey, what happened?" "Well, some people can tell a joke, some people can't." --- Thanks for reading! I'm much better at telling this out loud, I promise.

Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross, but they were actually pretty good… Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time... After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall and thought that it was a little condescending

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

I got a prison tattoo of mitochondria Now I truly am the powerhouse of the cell

A Man Escapes From Prison A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

White guy goes to prison... (NSFW) To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife. I'll let you decide." The white guy is shaken, and thinks for a moment through all of the ramifications of his decision. Finally he says, "Okay, I'll be the husband." The black guys says, "That's fine with me. Now get over here and suck yo wife's dick."

"How long are you inside for?" I asked my prison inmate. He said, "Until I ejaculate."

An old farmer wrote a letter to his innocent son in prison: "This year I'm unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me." His son replied: "You idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden guns there." Pretty soon, the Police read the letter, and the very next day the ground was dug by the police, and searched for guns but nothing was found. The son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here."

A guy goes to prison and on his first day his inmate asks him what he's in for. The guy says, "Dealing drugs to the wrong people." Six years later, the guy goes home to his astonished wife, who says, "Oh my goodness...You were meant to do thirteen years! How come you got out so early?" The guy says, "Dealing drugs to the right people.

No way warden Several years ago Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay he got along with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person. He made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized has one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, Andy refused Gosh, I'd really like to help you...he told the warden, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.

I asked my friend about his time in prison. "I have mixed feelings. On one hand I was surrounded by the worst society had to offer. I shared cells with thieves, murderers, and rapists. On the other hand the prison library was filled with the best collection of literature that I've ever seen. I don't know. It has its prose and cons."

90% of Men in Chicago have had shower sex The other 10% have never been to prison.

A prisoner escaped.. And snuck inside a house nearby. The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post. The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom. The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!" Then the woman replied.. "He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

A farmer has to go to prison for theft. The farmer's wife writes to him: "Don't you dare think I'm going to dig up the potato field all by myself now." The farmer writes back: "Hands off the potato field! That's where all the loot is." A week later, the farmer's wife writes: "Someone in prison must have read your letter. Yesterday, there were countless police officers here. They dug up the whole field. But they didn't find anything." The farmer writes back: "Great, now you can plant the potatoes.

How much cocaine can a smuggler sneak into prison? a buttload.

20 Long Years A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. “What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?” The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.” She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.” Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'” “I remember that too,” she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Italian father with son in prison An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. "Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa." A few days later, he received a letter from his son. "Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie" At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from this son. "Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie"

An old Italian man lived alone in the country... It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: "Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad" A few days later he received a letter from his son: "Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love Vinnie" At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. "Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie"

Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.

Saying that you were touched by Jesus... ...is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta... Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down. "Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks. "No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook." "How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too." "Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?" "Three prison camps so far."

A Pole, a German and a Russian go to prison... A Pole, a German and a Russian are sent to prison. They each receive a 50-year sentence with no parole. The guard, when putting them in their cells, shows mercy on them and offers to give each of them a small supply of their favourite things to occupy their times. The Pole picks a collection of books by his favourite author, the German picks a case of strong beer, and the Russian picks a huge pack of cigarettes. After the 50 years pass, the guard checks on his prisoners. The Pole thanks the guard for allowing him to gain knowledge in his time, the German complains that he ran out of alcohol a week into his sentence, and the Russian asks the guard for a lighter.

My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play] A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.

SFW Joke my Granddad used to tell, i was the only one who ever found it funny A guy gets sent to prison. His first day in the yard they are told to walk in a circle, no talking allowed between the prisoners. After a few minutes somebody yells "16" and the whole yard errupts with laughter. They continue walking in circles when someone else shouts out "54" and again everybody starts dying laughing. The new guy, being confused, whispers to the guy in front, "Hey whats with the numbers?" The other prisoner tells him , "well since we arent allowed to speak to one another we've memorized jokes and assigned numbers to them all. When somebody shouts out a number, we think of the joke and then laugh". Wanting to make a good impression on his first day, the new guy waits his turn. More numbers are called and everyone is laughing as they walk. Finally the new guy decides to make his mark, "18" he yells....but nobody laughs. After a few minutes he whispers to the guy in front again, "Hey what the hell man?" The guy turns to him and says, "ahh well its all in the way you tell it". Thanks for listening Reddit. RIP Grandad

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 70% water. I can walk on babies. I'm... In prison.

I was visiting my asshole twin brother in prison today and he said "Hey, do you remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

Pirates and the lost treasure In 2010, a group of pirates buried their treasure and earlier this year tried to recover it.. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure. One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion. "Captain, we should break R Kelly out of prison". The Captain said "This is the dumbest idea I've ever heard, but go ahead. why?" "Captain, if anybody can find 15 year old booty, it's this guy!".

My Husband died... After he died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years. But now that I'm out of Prison I can honestly say it was worth it.

I asked my students what their parents do on Career Day. "My mom is a librarian." Says John. "That's very nice John. What about you, Ryan?" I said. "My dad runs the prison." Ryan says. "That's great. Is he the superintendent?" "No, he's just the hardest motherfucker in there."

Satisfying the escaped convict. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. **While he's in there, the husband tells his wife..** *"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.*" **To which his wife responds..** *"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"*

During one of our lessons, I asked the children what their fathers did for a living. "My Dad runs the fire station. He's the station officer," said Simon. "Very good, Simon. Anyone else?" "My Dad runs the local prison," piped up Billy. "Excellent, Billy. Is he the prison governor?" I asked. "No, sir, he's just the hardest cunt in there."

Doing Drugs O o Going to Prison o O Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday.” On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?” "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?” ”I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, “This is your asshole before going to prison.................."

Why do prison guards use Proactive? To prevent further breakouts.

I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

98% of black people love having sex in showers The other 2% haven't been to prison yet

The fellas at the pub declare war Putin was sitting in his office when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!" Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How large is your army?” "Right now," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!” said Paddy. “I'll have to ring ya back.” Sure enough the next day Paddy called again. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We managed to get some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Putin asked. "Well, we have 2 combines, a bulldozer & Murphy’s farm tractor." Putin sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, I have 6,000 tanks & 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" “Saints preserve us!" cried Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya." Sure enough Paddy rang the next day. “Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well." Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes.” “My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000.” "Jesus Mary and Joseph!" said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring ya back." Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," said Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?" “Well," said Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 Russian prisoners."

78% of black men like sex in the shower The other 22% haven't been to prison yet

Italian spy joke A German spy, Italian spy, and Russian spy are all caught while on duty and are going to be interrogated. They are being held in a prison cell with no windows and barely any food. The German spy goes first. He is sat down in a chair with his hands tied. He resists being tortured for 2 hours, before he finally is broken and gives up who he is working for. When he goes back to the cell, the other spies are impressed with how long he lasted. The Russian spy goes next. He is vigorously tortured for 12 hours, until he finally is broken and gives up who he is working for. When he is sent back to his cell, the other spies wonder how he lasted for so long. Then the Italian spy is sent to the interrogation room. He is tied down and tortured for, an hour, 2 hours, 4 hours, 12 hours, a day, after 4 days of torture, he still had not given up who he was working for. He is sent back to his cell. The German and the Russian are baffled at how he managed to survive 4 days of torture and not give up any info. When they asked him how he did it, he said, "I tried to talk, but I could not move my hands."

Air Force and the wife Air Force and the Wife... You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51? Well, late one afternoon, the Airmen out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Airmen started a full background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Airmen, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if she needed some help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You, God, for sending me such a very nice man." The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday. I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

A man is spending his first night in prison... He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter. Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter. "What's going on?" he asks his cell mate. "Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them." A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws. The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!" He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?" His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."

Recreational tampons Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said; "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease. "Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-dogs are likely too stupid to count zat high. So instead, one person vill say 'tick,' and the next vill say 'tock.' Is zis clear?" The prisoners nodded, begrudgingly. And the warden started pointing at each one in turn. "Tick," said the first prisoner. "Tock," said the second. "Tick." "Tock." "Tick." "TICK!" The warden glared at the defiant prisoner, who had a huge grin on his face. The warden shouted at all of them, "START OVER!" And so they did, but again, the sixth prisoner 'Tick'ed. The warden, still glaring, strode over to the troublemaker. "Ve can do zis ze easy vay," said the warden, "or ze hard vay. Ve haf vays of making you 'Tock.'"

I was touched by Jesus once Worst field trip to a Mexican prison ever

A woman awakes at night... A  woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in  bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She  finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front  of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She  watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15." Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do  you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either  you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in  prison?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Guy applies for a job as a Prison Officer The interviewer says Hello, can I offer you a coffee before we start?" The guy says "No thanks, I don't drink coffee. The interviewer asks "Is there anything about you that would hinder your ability to do your job?" The guy says "I have no testicles, I lost them in Kabul, but this shouldn't stop me performing my duties as a Corrections Officer". The interviewer is impressed with the remainder of the interview and offers the candidate the position. He says "The hours are 0800 to 1700, but you may as well come in from 1000 til 1700. The guy asks why and the interviewer says "Well, for the first two hours we all stand around scratching our balls and drinking coffee, and there's no point you coming in for that.

Two Mexican Brothers So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted. Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reaching out his hand. "Emelio, look!" Emelio looks, he sees nothing. "Ramon, what's wrong? What is it?" "Look at that tree, Emelio! Bacon sprouts from its branches! We are saved!" "Ramon, it's just a mirage, there's nothing there!" Ramon summons up all his strength and runs for the tree, Emelio still protesting that it's nothing but a mirage. Five prison guards pop up from the sand and fire on Ramon, knocking him to the ground, fatally wounded. Emelio runs to his brother's side. "Jesus, Ramon, are you okay?" "Emelio...it wasn't a bacon tree...it was a hambush"

It's a convicts first day in prison It's a convicts first day in prison. He's a young convict and he's crying. An older convict comes over and sits down. He says look it's not so bad here. For instance, do you like movies? The new guy says, "Yeah I love movies." Every Monday we have movie night, first run movie. Do you like Italian food? The new guy says, "Yeah I like Italian food." On Tuesday in the cafeteria, it is all Italian food. Do you like baseball? The new guy says, "I love baseball." Every Wednesday we have a pick up game and everyone plays even the guards, it is really fun. The old guy says, "One more question, are you by any chance a homosexual?" The new guy says, "no I'm not." Ah, you're not going to like Thursday.

I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards.

How I feel on reddit... A reporter went in to a prison to to report on conditions there. He was standing in the chow hall, next to a guard. All the prisoners were silently eating their grub. All of a sudden one of the prisoners shouted “24!”. All of the other prisoners started to laugh. A minute later another prisoner shouted “77!”. Once again, the other prisoners laughed . The reporter was a little puzzled by this, so he asked the guard about it. The guard explained that it was against the rules to tell jokes in the chow hall. So, the prisoners assigned numbers to all the jokes they knew. When someone shouted a number, everyone would be reminded of the joke, and laugh. The reporter thought that was pretty cool, so he decided to try it out for himself. “37!”, he shouted... Silence. Blank stares. “Some people just can’t tell a joke”, said the guard. Another prisoner then shouted “89!” The guard busted out in laughter. His eyes started to water, and he turned red from laughing so hard. The reporter asked him what was so funny. “I’ve never heard that one before!” said the guard .

Just beyond the Gates of Hell an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner found themselves standing in front of three identical doors. ​ There to greet them was none other than Satan, who them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each of them must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice and if they do, so, they he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, a lifelong alcoholic, got a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies were there along with infinitely replenishing liquor of all kinds. He was ecstatic and ran inside, slamming the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the horndog. felt his blood start pumping as the 2nd door opened. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about was there, ready to obey his every command. Without a word he rushed inside and shut the door. The 3rd man, a pothead for most of his life, got a room with a plot containing every strain of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs were the most beautiful green, the ground was littered with the highest quality nuggets, the dirt is was hash rocks and kif. Smiling, he closed the door. 1,000 years passed. Satan, being a man of his word, decided to check on each of the men. He opened the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids in an odorous miasma throughout the room. Broken glass littered the floor and the man's once-friends were lying dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happened upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stopped and his trembling lips worked to form a sentence: “P– please get m-me out of here..." Satan, a man of his word, reminded the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man was trapped inside eternally. Satan the opened the 2nd door. Hundreds of thousands of people came flooding out, men, women, children, along with the scent of human waste & burnt flesh. Satan saw the man riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" the man screamed. Satan laughed & sealed the door forever. Satan went to the 3rd door, opened it and saw the stoner meditating in the center of the room surrounded by a pool of tears. None of the plants had been touched. The stoner opened his eyes, ran over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar, cried, "Hey man, you got a lighter?