50+ Religion Jokes

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'" "That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!" **EDIT: Thanks a lot to** u/Green_Justice710 **and the 5 anonymous redittors who have awarded me for this... thank you! I'm glad I could make you guys laugh!!** **EDIT 2: Thanks also to** u/darknep u/JMetcalf3 **and 5 other anonymous posters... you're too kind!! Thank you!** **EDIT 3: Just spent the last hour reading up on all the comments and appreciation... this thing really blew up, huh??? Well, you know what that means right?? More Edits, lol... thanks to u**[**/BlackBeard\_727**](https://www.reddit.com/user/BlackBeard_727) **u**[**/Hirsty\_92**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hirsty_92) **u**[**/Cparman9**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cparman9) **u/**[**WeHaSaulFan**](https://www.reddit.com/user/WeHaSaulFan) **u**[**/Serg2778**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Serg2778) **u/**[**Official\_Vsauce**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Official_Vsauce) **u**[**/Jocombs**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Jocombs) **u/**[**throwRAnoitsmydog**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnoitsmydog) **u**[**/walmartlifer**](https://www.reddit.com/user/walmartlifer) **u/**[**GregHawkwind**](https://www.reddit.com/user/GregHawkwind) **u/**[**OneBraveBunny**](https://www.reddit.com/user/OneBraveBunny) **u**[**/reddit\_guy88**](https://www.reddit.com/u/reddit_guy88) **u/**[**PolarJumper**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PolarJumper) **u/**[**NetworkMick**](https://www.reddit.com/user/NetworkMick) **and the multiple anonymous redditors as well. Glad I could tickle your funny bones!! (;**

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it’s.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it's..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That's nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes! For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis

Putting it in. A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing... After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

Getting Married in Heaven On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

Masturbating An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

A boy goes into confession... The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl." "Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?" "Oh I can't say." "Was it Mary Jane?" "No Father." "Adalina Mozarelli?" "My lips are sealed." "How about Cindy King" "I can never say." "Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?" "No." "It has to be Tracy Cummings though!" "Father I will never tell you." "Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months." "Ok, Father" The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?" The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been with a loose girl. The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I can’t say." "Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I promised not to tell." "Nina Capelli?" "My lips are sealed." "Cathy Piriano?" "I’m really sorry, Father. I can’t." "Rosa DiAngelo?" "I’m not saying." The priest sighed. "Well, Joey, I admire your honesty and loyalty, but you’ll have to take a little break from altar boy duties - four months." Joey returned to his pew. His friend Franco leaned over and whispered, "What’d you get?" Joey grinned. "Four months off… and five great leads."

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar sitting behind the cross, but none give to the beggar sitting behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially if you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite!" The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: “Forgive me father for I have sinned”. “What have you done?” asked the priest. “A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping. “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest. “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried. “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest. “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried. “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest. “So what should I do father?” the man asked. “Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.

10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!". 9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "That's my dad outside." Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?" Boy: "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." Man: "How much did you say the glove was again?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Two priests are out driving one day.. when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters" The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says; "Alright officer, we'll do it"

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor... They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest "Father, please come with me . Come & witness God & Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery" They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said: "What about the two at the gate?"

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.” The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.” And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?” [Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)

Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ? Become a Catholic priest and get them now

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, and then says "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp. "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that fucking smirk off your face!"

So I went to a mixed religion seminar... The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!” I smiled and told him I was not paralysed. The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today! I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me. The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!” I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me” The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!” I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me. After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. Edit: Thanks for the upvotes 😊 If I have inadvertently upset anyone, I apologize. It was just meant as a joke intended 2 give u a chuckle.

After yet another failed exorcism, the priest desperately pleaded, “Who are you, foul demon, who has tortured this boy for months until he behaved as a wild beast, foamed at the mouth and spoke as if not truly himself?” Despite the village's best attempts to save him, everyone bitten in the boy's fits of madness would soon follow, for the demon's true name would not be known to this era.

Why can't black people be priests? As soon as you call them Father, they run away.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Forgive me Father for I have sinned.............. "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

When I was younger, my priest always said I was the nicest boy he ever saw I was touched

A doctor, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic... As it’s going down the doctor shouts “We need to get the children to the lifeboats!” The lawyer, thinking more for his own hide shouts “No! Fuck the kids!” The priest says “Guys we don’t have time for both!”

Adultery Code There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

What is reverse exorcism? When the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"  "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”  The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”

A priest goes to the mechanic He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."

Why are there no black priests? We called them "father" and they suddenly disappeared

What's the difference between Acne and a Priest? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're a Teenager

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops... a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke edit: whoops, rip inbox. don't get sucked in by priests, kiddies.

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar He orders a beer Edit: The mods are so gay so they’re deleting comments

I just saw a priest raping a black child! Holy fucking shit

What does the Bible and a penis have in common They were both shoved down my throat by a priest at a young age.

A pedophile and a priest walk into a bar He orders a drink

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis. The priest is in jail now.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud "THUD," he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. "Surely I can't run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!" he thought. Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying "Thud." "Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?" the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly. "No," said the priest. "But I got him with the door."

forgive me father for i have sinned... ... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

A woman spends the day with her lover while her husband is at work Her husband arrives home unexpectedly, and the woman shoves her lover into the closet. She doesn't know that her 9-year-old son is already hiding in there. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's good." "Do you want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "My dad's outside." "Okay. How much does it cost?" "$1000." "Fine, here you go, and keep quiet." A few days later the father says to the boy: "Bring the baseball. Let's go outside and play a little." "I can't. I sold it." the boy replies. "Sold it, for how much?" his father asks "For $1000." "That's terrible! That's a lot more than they actually cost. I'll take you to church to confess." the father says. They go to church, and the father puts the boy in the confessional and closes the door. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." To which the priest replies, "Don't start this shit again."

What did one Catholic priest say to another as they entered an orphanage? Let us prey.

How do priests stay fit? They exorcise.

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane, reading their books, when the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I'm curious about something. Does your religion still forbid you to eat pork?" The Rabbi replies, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The Priest nods and asks, "Rabbi, have you ever eaten pork?", to which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, I succumbed to temptation once and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nods sympathetically and they both go back to their reading. A bit later, the Rabbi turns to the Priest and asks, "Father, does your faith require that you remain celibate for life?" The Priest replies, "Yes, Rabbi. Celibacy is still very much part of our faith." The Rabbi thinks for a minute and asks, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest answers, "Yes, Rabbi. I was weak once and broke my vows." The Rabbi nods understandingly and falls silent for a few minutes, then says, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

What do you call a cross between a Toyota and a Honda? A cross. Some priest must have dropped it

“Tonight we eat bread,” the high priest announced. Unsheathing the sacrificial blade, he laughed, “For this sacrifice appears to have a bun in the oven.”

A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early... "Quick, hide!" she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy. "Sure is dark in here." "Indeed it is," the man responds. "I have a baseball," says the boy. "That's nice," he says. "I'll sell it to you for $50." "$50? That's a little steep for a baseball, son." "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?" "Tell you what, you have yourself a deal," says the man, and he pays the kid $50. A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman's husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet. "Sure is dark in here," says the boy. "Oh, it's you again." "I have a baseball glove." "Alright, how much do you want for it?" "$700." "$700? That's absurd!" "Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?" "Alright, alright, $700," so he pays the kid. That Sunday, the father says to his son, "Go get your mitt, let's throw the ball around." The boy says, "I can't, Dad. I sold my ball and glove." "For how much?" he asks. "$750." "$750? Son, it's wrong to rip off your friends. I'm taking you to church for confession." They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth. "Sure is dark in here," he says. The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

Priest walks into a bar Priest: *takes a seat near bartender* "Gimme a shot of whiskey and leave the bottle" Bartender: *pours him drink* "Rough day?" Priest: "I had to preform an exorcism this morning. The girl kept screaming profanities, throwing up all over the place, and on several occasions, she actually tried to attack me." Bartender: "Sounds like some of my regulars" Priest: "Afterwards, I had to spend the day listening to people confess their sins" Bartender: "Sounds like my average night here" Priest: "And to top it all off, for the past few weeks, I've been getting stalked by a demon. Whether I'm at the church or sleeping in my bed at night, I can feel it watching me. At first, it tried to lead me to temptation, but now it has grown crazy" Bartender: "Sounds like my ex"

A man at a funeral interrupts the priest and says, "Excuse me, do you have the WiFi password?" The priest stares at him and says, "Good God man, have some decency. This is your mother's funeral!" And the man says, "Is that all lower case?"

A man walks into confession and says “forgive me Father, for I have sinned.” “Go on, my son.” The priest replies. “I have taken the Lord’s name in vain and used profanity.” “Tell me more about this my son.” The man says “I was playing a par four this past weekend. I shanked the tee shot to the left and into the woods.” “I see.” The Priest says. “And this is when you used profanity and took the Lord’s name in vain?” he asks. “No. Not then. The second shot I overshot the fairway and the ball went into tall grass and settled behind a rock.” “Ah.” Says the Priest. “Then you took the Lord’s name in vain and used profanity.” “No.” The man says again. “The third shot hooked back over, hit the ball washing station, bounced off a branch and somehow landed on the green just a foot from the cup.” The Priest pauses for a second. “Jesus Christ, don’t tell me you missed the fucking putt.”

"Leave this child!” the priest commanded. “I've been trying to,” the demon whispered, “but his parents won’t let me.”

"You want to trade places with ME?!" the confused demon sputtered, as the sick scrawny priest vigorously nodded. And so: Hell got to deal with an extremely virulent virus strain, while lovely downtown Minneapolis got a dedicated new youth pastor with very intimate knowledge of the temptations of sin.

A greedy old business man was dying, so he called his priest, his lawyer, and his accountant to his bedside. “They say you can’t take it with you, but I am certainly going to try” wheezed the business man. “When I die I want each of you to take one third of my money and throw it into my grave as they are burying me!” The three started to protest, but the business man stated “It’s my money and I will do what I want with it!” The three reluctantly agree.  A few days later the man dies. At his funeral the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant do as directed and each throw in a bag of money into the grave just as the coffin is being buried.   After the funeral, they start talking as they walk back to their cars. “I have a confession to make” says the priest. “When I thought of all the poor that could be helped by that man’s money, I decided to take a portion of it and donate it to the orphanage.”   As long as we are confessing” says the lawyer, “I need an oceanside vacation home, so I too took a handful of that geezer’s cash to use as a down payment.”  “Gentlemen, I am ashamed of both of you” replies the accountant. “I will have you know that I threw in a check for the full amount!”

Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice

A priest, A pastor and a Rabbit

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ you're here again?" EDIT: Thanks!

A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!" The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave. The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

A man and his wife die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates "Please could we get married again in heaven?" "I don't know about that, let me have a think" says St Peter A day goes by, and Peter agrees. He says, "I won't be long, let me just go and find a priest and let him know about what you want." A month and a half go by, before Peter arrives back at the pearly gates. The couple say "well actually Peter, because you've took so long, we have thought to ask you, if we don't want to stay married forever or if it doesn't go well, will we be able to get a divorce too?" "Are you being serious? It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?!"

Lawyer joke There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins. He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!" The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

My "classic" joke. A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!" So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in. The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!" The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?" The bartender says, "Yeah.." The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?" The bartender says, "It's across the road."

A nun, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive. The nurse asks the rabbit what’s its blood type. The rabbit replies, “I’m probably a Type O.”

An Italian Boy's Confession "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"

A housewife takes a lover during..... A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,... "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Two priests decided they needed a break, so they booked a vacation to sunny Hawaii. Wanting to fully relax and go incognito, they made a promise: no collars, no black suits, nothing that screams "clergy." As soon as they landed, they hit a local shop and stocked up on the wildest tourist gear they could find — think neon shirts, loud floral shorts, flip-flops, oversized sunglasses, and straw hats. They looked like walking postcards. The next morning, they strolled down to the beach, drinks in hand, soaking up the sun and enjoying the freedom of anonymity. That’s when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini walked by, gave them a sweet smile, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” She nodded at each of them and kept walking, calm as can be. The priests stared at each other, stunned. How did she know?! Determined to be unrecognizable, they doubled down. The next day, they returned to the store and bought even wilder outfits — mismatched patterns, tourist hats with dangling beads, socks with sandals — the works. Feeling completely undercover, they headed back to the beach, confident no one would suspect a thing. Right on cue, the same blonde appeared — this time in an even skimpier bikini. She walked right up, smiled again, and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” One of the priests jumped up. “Alright, young lady — we give up. Yes, we’re priests. But how on earth did you know?” She laughed, leaned in, and said, “Oh, come on, Father… it’s me — Sister Angela!”

A joke I heard at mass A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol" The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Confession... An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

a nice Italian couple . . . At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary? Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.” The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes. Finally the rabbi quietly observed, “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”

10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident.... When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!" 9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests... A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi... ...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes. The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear". The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him." The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands. "Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!" The Priest walks through the metal detector and gets shot dead after security believed the hair dryer was a gun.

A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

An altar boy looks at the priest and says "god damn my ass really hurts' The priest replies "Yeah we really should get padding on the pews"

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving.. As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?" "No my son. Why would you ask that?" "Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you." "Oh my son, that's just holy water." "OK father. So why is it in a bag?" "Well my son, that is to protect it from the suns rays." "Mind if I take a sip?" "Not at all my son." As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out... "Father, this is wine." The preacher, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional... 'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!' 'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest. 'Hell no.' 'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks. 'What sins?' asks the man. After a slight pause the priest says, 'my son, what kind of Catholic are you?' 'I'm not, I'm an Atheist.' Confused, the priest finally asks, 'so why are you telling me this?' 'Are you kidding?' replies the man. 'I'm 90 years old and I fucked two young girls at once. I'm telling EVERYBODY!' Edit: proper paragraphing an such

If every joke happened in the same universe... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A horse walks into a bar... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Son of a Bitch Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

A newly ordained priest... A newly ordained priest is walking down the street on his way to his assignment at a parish in the bad part of town. On his way he sees a prostitute who says "Hey father, how about a blow job. $25." The young priest shyly hurries along past the woman. Further down the street another prostitute propositions him. "Blow job, father? $25" Again he hurries past the lady of the evening. He eventually arrives at the parish door and is met by the Mother Superior. The old nun shows him around the church and rectory explaining where he will be living, when meals are served, and the Sunday mass schedule. As she is about to leave the young priest to settle into his quarters, she asks if he has any questions. Thinking about his experience on the way to the church, he asks, "Mother Superior, what's a blow job?" The old nun answers, "$25, same as they charge on the street."

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church." "Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church." The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman. The following day the priest is preparing for a visit from the local bishop. As he is weeding the gardens, he cuts his hand. Calling the nun over he says "there's a bottle of rubbing alcohol in my quarters somewhere, could you fetch it for me?" The nun nods and goes looking for it. It is as the priest is greeting the bishop that she returns from the church and loudly announces "father, don't worry about the weed, the alcohol was under our bed!"

Three priests and their wives die in a plane crash... So three priests and their wives are flying back from an interdenominational conference when the plane crashes and they all die. They all arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter says to the first priest, "I am sorry, but I cannot let you in. You adored sugar and sweets. You had the biggest sweet tooth, and was so involved with sugar and sweets that you married a woman named Candy." Off they go to hell. St. Peter then addresses the second priest, "I am sorry but I cannot let you in. You truly did not love the Lord, you only loved money. In fact, you loved it so much that you married a woman named Penny." Off they go to hell. The third priest says to his wife, "Fanny, we don't have a chance."

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest) A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

A married man goes into a confessional... A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"

A married Irishman went into the confessional... ... and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped. The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

A kid goes to church to confess... "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

There were three young priests... about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!' The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower.' The belly dancer had stripped as far as her last veil for the second guy when the chief heard 'Ting-a-ling!' 'Joseph, I'm very disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go for a shower,' said the chief priest. The belly dancer started dancing totally naked around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of but no bell rang! 'John, I'm delighted. You've passed! You can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph.' 'Ting-a-ling!' Edit: grammer

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today. "Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?" He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad" "Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

Catholic girl goes into confessional Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, "I think I am pregnant." He asks, "How did this happen my child?" "I think it must be the second coming," she replies. The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?" She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

A priest is in his church, placing prayer books among the pews when a man with no arms walks inside. The priest say, "Can I help you my son?" The man says, "Father, it's been my life long dream to ring the steeple bell. I was wondering if you would allow me the honor." The priest says, "Well, I don't mean to be indelicate, but you have no arms. How on God's Earth would you pull the rope?" "Well I think I have that figured out", the man said, "if you would allow me to demonstrate." "Very well." The priest said and he lead the man up the staircase to the steeple where the bell is. Without a word the man bends over at the waist and runs face first into the bell. It lurches forward with a loud BONG, but on the way back it hits the man and knocks him off the steeple and he falls all the way to the ground. The priest in a panic runs down the stairs and out the church doors, where a small crowd was gathered. The priest looked at the man and he was clearly dead, Just then a fellow from the town looks at the priest and says, "Father, did you know this man?" The priest says, "I don't but his face rings a bell." ____________________________________________________________________ The next day a man walks in the church and says, "Father, it was my brother that fell from your steeple yesterday. All he ever wanted to do was ring that bell. I wonder, would you allow me to ring the bell in his honor?" The priest notices that this man has both arms, so he agrees and leads him up to the steeple. Once they get up there, without a word, the man bends at the waist as his brother did, and runs face first into the bell. It goes BONG, and on the recoil, it hits the man and knocks him off the steeple to his death. Once again the priest is mortified and runs down the stairs and out to the street to where the townsfolk are gathering around the body. Once again the same fellow looks at the priest and says, "Now I don't suppose you know who this man is father." The priest said, "I don't, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? ..... a father in law.