100+ Political Jokes

The 2016 US Presidential Election That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens. Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair. EDIT: epic

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?" Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes." For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted. For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too. And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun. A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, duck!”

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Trump "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump. The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Trump might finally get what he wants the most He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?' 'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.' So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .' The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.' Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

The first female president The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

In honor of former president Donald J. Trump [removed]

"My favorite president is Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson ran for president in 1828 on the idea that if he won, he would kill Native Americans. And then he won and he killed Native Americans. That means that not only is Andrew Jackson the only super villain to be president... But he's also the only president who actually did what he said he would do before he was president." Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles

If Trump replaces Obama as president, Orange will be the new Black.

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . . and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people." She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that." On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?" The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!" Edit: Wow! My first Silver and my first Gold! I am honored. What an amazing community. It's a great place to visit after a challenging day.

If I don't like it, tell it to the news? I guess we're going to the news then (video evidence) My mother was a truly inspiring woman. Her favorite phrase was "why say bleed when you can say hemorrhage" because she never did anything halfway when she knew she could go all the way. We couldn't even ask for help with homework because you'd be up till 3 am on a school night, adding one more thing. Then you'd go to school with this magnum opus while everyone around you phoned it in and still got an A. She would rarely get angry, but if you activated her righteous indignation, the repercussions would be legendary. There was one such story of malicious compliance that she always loved to tell, and I just found the receipts, so I wanted to share it with everyone. It all started one day when I found a dagger in my brother's room. It was an ornate sort of fantasy-style dagger. Not something you would find just anywhere, and it was very sharp. We were not old enough to have something like that at the time; he was only 11. Immediately, my mother walked up behind me and caught me red-handed, so I did what any self-respecting little brother would do and threw him under the bus. My brother wasn't at home at the time, so she went through everything and found more of these knives. She laid them out on the table, and she was psyching herself up for the hell she was going to bring down upon him. By the time my brother gets home, he walks in and sees her sitting there with the knives out. He goes white as a sheet. She immediately asks where he got them. This was the late 90s, and my brother was pretty into Magic: The Gathering. The card shop he went to for his fix was just down the street. He spent a great deal of time there and bought boxes and boxes of these cards from them, so they knew him and knew he was too young. They had sold it to him, knowing full well that he was underage, no questions asked. My mother's jaw dropped, and moments later, we were pulling up to the place. She drags my brother into the store and puts the knives down in front of the woman who owns the place. She tells her that they had sold it to him. "Yeah, so what?" "He is not 18, and he shouldn't have access to these. You need to tell your employees to check IDs before they sell weapons to minors." She was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before she snapped back with "It's a joke, it's humor, don't you get it?" ahhh so the problem is you. "I am his mother, and I don't think it is funny. If you won't follow the law at the very least, I need you to stop selling weapons to my son." "I'll do whatever I want! If you don't like it, TELL THE NEWS!" Surely this woman doesn't know who she is talking to, or the lengths that my mom was willing to go for her kids. I don't know why on earth that would be the phrase you'd use. Now you are just asking for it. Mom gives her one last chance before the hammer drops. "So you are saying that even without my permission, having asked you not to personally, and knowing it is illegal, you would still sell a knife to him?" "Of course, this is a business; maybe raise him better if you don't like what he is doing." It was like the air left the room. There were 3 of us boys in Elementary, Middle school, and High School around the time. She was president of all 3 PTAs for 3 different schools miles apart from each other. She was practically moming as a sport and crushing it by every conceivable standard. This woman had just slighted her to her core, and now had to deal with the consequences of her ignorance. My mom didn't say another word. She gathered the knives, and we walked out. Even the woman behind the desk looked a little shocked that she was just walking out. So was I. We all went back to the car, and no one said a word. Then you could almost visibly see the resolve set in, and she says, "I guess we are going to the news then." I don't remember her saying another word the rest of the night. The next day, I woke up and she had papers all around her that she had downloaded and printed off, and highlighted. She was on the phone explaining the story to a news station who'd just opened and responding to emails she'd sent overnight. I don't think she slept. She had been up researching the laws and building her case. The first reporters she talked to didn't seem to see what she saw in the story, and told her they wouldn't pick it up. Every time she was told no, she would ask for references to someone who would do something like this. It took weeks of phone tag. She called the next reporter, then another, then another, leaving messages and following up. Finally, she found an investigative reporter who would work with her. They decided that the best course of action was to put a hidden camera on my brother to send him undercover to buy something larger. Believe me, I am well aware of how outlandish that sounds. They met up down the street and gave my brother some money to buy the biggest weapon he could get. I see

A little boy was sitting in class... The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly. The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?" Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!" Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt". "Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?" Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!" Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy" "Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?" Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!" Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!" Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

It's the end of the 2016 Presidential race The people of the US hated all the candidates so much that no one voted. The government is in a panic, trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: A literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the white house, and the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes 24 minutes. Trump goes next and posts a time of 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can in an effort to beat Trumps time. She finally crosses the finish line in just under 10 minutes. "Aha, that must be some kind of record!" she exclaims. "I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president. You could say they are going toupée for it.

HOA President wanted heat! I manage a NYC condo with central A/C that, once switched to winter mode, can’t go back to cooling until spring. NYC law requires heat starting October 1st, but October swings from chilly to unseasonably warm, so we usually wait for a real cold stretch before turning it on. Tenants were fine with this for years — one chilly day was better than being unbearably hot for ten. Last year, the board president lost it over a slightly chilly day towards the middle of October . She sent an email demanding we turn on the heating system immediately and that going forward, the heat must always be on by October 1st — she didn’t care if other units would be uncomfortably warm and that she’s the board president, & she should be comfortable in her unit. This year, we followed her orders , on October 1st — heat on. At the annual meeting, tenants were furious. They wanted to know why a system that had worked for years was suddenly “broken.” The president started chewing me out forgetting her email the previous year. Not wanting to deal with her nonsense, I got the green light from my boss to pull up her own email on the projector. Her exact words, her exact demands. She went pale and, for the first time ever, had nothing to say. She lost her position in the election. Her replacement was very happy we called her out, and we renewed our contract for five more years

Donald Trump is chatting with King Charles III. He says “Listening to all these people talk about your United Kingdom, I think I will rename the USA to ‘The Kingdom of America’.” King Charles says, “Ah, but President Trump, to be a Kingdom you need to be led by a King. And you are not a King.” Trump says, “You’re right Chuck, lots of people don’t know that, but I’ve always liked you. So how about the Principality of America?” “No again Mr President, I’m afraid. To be a Principality you would need to be led by a Prince. And you are not a Prince.” “This is a pickle then Chas, no doubt. I’m not a King and I’m not a Prince. What do you think I should do?” “I think you should remain a country.”

If the next president is white.... That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

Four former U.S. presidents... Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas. Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz. “What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?” Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.” ”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?” Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” ”Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?” Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” ”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?” ”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

The President of the United States and the Prime minister of China are comparing their bodyguards. The president orders his secret service agent to jump off a 40 foot platform. The agent heisitates and does so. The prime minister immediately orders his bodyguard to do the same. The guard jumps without batting an eye. The president, feeling a little defeated, orders his bodyguard to jump off a hundred foot platform. The agent turns to the president and, with teary eyes, pleads:"Mister president, please don't do this, I have a family!" The president hesitates and retracts his order. The chinese minister snorts and orders the same to his body guard.The chinese bodyguard starts climbing without a second thought. The president grabs his arm and says, "Wait man, this is too much! You don't have to do this!" The chinese bodygaurd shakes off his arm and says:"Mister president, please don't, I have family." Edit:words.

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash. A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes. The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped. The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute." Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The world's smartest man just took my backpack."

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton. That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Australia's smartest man An airplane was about to crash.. There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes. The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Tony Abbot said, “I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest man in Australian history, so Australia’s people don’t want me to die.” He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry said, “I’m a Senator and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America.” He grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W Bush said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl; “I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little girl said “That’s okay, Mr President. There’s a parachute left for you..., Australia’s smartest man just took my schoolbag.”

Donald Trump is president of the USA.

President Obama visits the Pentagon... President Obama visits the Pentagon to test out the latest in military technology. A scientist says to him "We have two projects that we are very proud of. One is a powered exoskeleton and the other is an invisibility cloak. Which would you like to try first?" Obama replies, "Uh, let me be clear."

Obama went on a run and fell in a river. - three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it. - The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it. - The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so. - The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine". - The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office. Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

A wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars. “The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.” The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?"

What was the president's name in 1985? Donald Trump.

Everyone Knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "The President," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, the president spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Make me do labor for free? Explain to the Inspector why your office door is bright pink. So I am a highschool student, and I am the president of the art club in my school. I can say I do decent things. the principal and my art teacher asked me to paint some white and peeling walls however I want, and I'd get free lunches.( I need to add that my school doesn't have a cafeteria and just a canteen. ) and since I had nothing better to do and I'd get out of chemistry and maths, i said yes. I painted some of the walls and a door for the chemistry lab. whenever I finished painting, they'd ask me to do something else. Like paint the old benches or draw custom designs on doors. once I was done, I went to the principal and he said he couldn't give me free lunches. so, when they asked me to paint the principal's office door since it was old? I painted it bright pink. and since they asked me to do it and didn't tell me what to do exactly, they couldn't say anything. But there was something I forgot. I was doing all of this because the inspector would be arriving. (so, this part of the story comes from my homeroom teacher who is a part of the disciplinary committee.) when he finally arrived with his 3 secretaries, everything went well and he praised the paintings and intricate work. But when he got to the principal's office.. it's door was Bright pink. he left in a hurry and our school got some maintenance people sent. (sorry for my Grammar, English isn't my first language) And quick edit: my school is supposed to be the most funded and the most disciplined school in the whole district. So, we can say I caused them a lot of headaches. Don't play with my lunch of chicken nuggets shoved into a piece of bread. Edit: Thank you everyone for the love on this post! And I'd really appreciate you guys scrolling down to see my replies before asking questions, because I am EXHAUSTED from answering the same questions again and again ^~^ UPDATE!!!!!: so..this is awkward..my art teacher saw this post and recognized. Well..I got an envelope with 300 bucks inside. Plus, 200 bucks because I'm an orphan and it was Eid. So, here's some more add-ons! Q: what country? A: I would like it to remain anonymous, but I am not in USA or UK, I am in a country in Asia. Q: why is pink so bad? A: well, in my country the elder men have VERY embraced toxic masculinity, and as you know..pink is a "girly" color. Thank you all for the attention, I hope you all the best!!!

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me.... ....Like the words President Bush.

You want me in 3 places at once? You got it! A little over a decade ago, I worked up in the oil patch in Northern Canada on different IT contracts. The current contract I was on was maintaining virtual meeting rooms. The oil company had decided that if you didn't need to be on site, they would move your job south and pay you 25 to 50 % less. When you needed to meet with people on site, you'd book a meeting and all is golden. The IT company I was with was amazing, but they lost the contract to an international IT company "A", servicing oil company "B". I was one of the fortunate few that got a job with IT company A; which was so unbelievably stupid. Most of the rest of the talent that had been working IT under contracting companies for 10 plus years took a walk. I think the management literally sat down and said "What's the absolute worst way we can mess things up", and then they did that. They hired a bunch of fresh out of college or unqualified people and within a few months our ticket count had gone from averaging around 50 at any given time to well over 600 and growing with no end in site. This is all well and good, and we got chewed out for the ticket count being high, we got chewed out for bringing it down low, because our ticket closure rates weren't similar, it didn't really matter; good, bad, we got chewed out. Company A was hemorrhaging money to Company B. Like every ticket outside of the allowed failures that was a failure and not resolved was a fine, and there were multiple sites. Basically IT company A ended up paying Oil company B to do IT for them. Most salaried oil company employee who had computer problems took weeks or months to get problems solved, but they were salaried and it didn't affect oil coming out of the ground, so it didn't matter. Except for the meeting rooms. Managers couldn't have virtual meetings with staff, things were getting delayed, and it was going to affect oil coming out of the ground, so it was a problem. The 12 of us working there were given full time work and 6 vehicles. The supervisor took one for himself for driving too and from town and wouldn't let anyone use it during the day, so that left 5 vehicles. It used to be that we were dedicated to a specific type of work, but now everyone did everything, and we were expected to just "Check the meeting rooms" as we drove by, or "if we had a ticket in that building". So all the meeting room maintainance was just not being done and the new guys that would get a ticket to facilitate a virtual meeting of the vice presidents, directors, etc... of the oil company would just not show up and the meeting would fail. During this time I had been loudly and constantly complaining about our inability to "check meeting rooms in buildings that we don't have tickets for when we don't have a vehicle to get there anyways", a coworker told me that one of IT company A's managers had come North to review the situation, was at lunch, saw one of my emails, said "I'm not reading that", tossed down his phone and ate his lunch. So I just gave up, gave in, and did what I was told. I had been busting my ass to keep everything working for all the execs of oil company B for months, and it was time to "cue malicious compliance". There was a building in town with meeting rooms, our building on site was around 45 minutes North. Every morning, rather than being on site and working at 7, I would be at the town building at 8, checking a meeting room, stocking it with supplies, and fxing problems; except I wasn't because it was in use and I couldn't get in. So I would drive North and get to our building around 9 and start my day, do a few tickets, be one of the only ones that the oil execs saw that could actually make meetings run successfully, and then leave at 2 to go check a meeting room I couldn't get into, and then go home. This lasted about a month before the oil execs called in my supervisor, manager, and manager's manager and said something along the lines of "Put I_IdentifyAsAstartes on doing just meeting rooms and meetings". I got called into a meeting with my supervisor, most of my other work was taken away, I was given my own vehicle, and I was told to check all the meeting rooms every week (a 4 person job) and to take care of all of the exec meetings. I told my supervisor that it wasn't physically possible for me to be in 3 or 4 places at once to check all the meeting rooms, he didn't care, he didn't care how I did it, just get it done. So I got it done. Every time we checked a meeting room, we had to scan a QR code with a company phone that we would then export into Exel and submit as the rooms we checked. Every minute of every day I clicked the scan button and scanned nothing. At the end of the week I would export to Exel, then get the list of all the room codes, randomise them, paste them in, save, and submit. *Click* I'm in town checking a room. 1 minute later *Click* I'm 30 kilometers

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump? Because orange is the new black.

What do the president and the pope have in common? They were both mentioned in the setup of this joke.

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenny," he says. "And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?” Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?” A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "What is your question, Johnny?" she asks. "I have five questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

A little boy was sitting in class... The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly. The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?" >Little Timmy was bouncing up and down in his seat, arm raised: "OOH! OOH! I KNOW!" Before the teacher could call on him, little Julie stood and said: "Franklin Roosevelt". "Very good Julie, you can go." the teacher replied. "Okay class, which president said: 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country'?" Again, little Timmy's hand shot into the air and he waved his arms excitedly. "OOH! OOH! I KNOW! PLEASE!" Again, before she had a chance to call on anyone, little Sally stood and said: "John Kennedy" "Very good Sally, you may leave also." The teacher asked again "Okay class, which President said: "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall?" Before Timmy could answer, little Jennifer jumped up and shouted: "Ronald Reagan!" Frustrated, little Timmy mumbled to himself: "I wish these bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher heard and shouted: "WHO SAID THAT!?!" Timmy jumped up: "Bill Clinton! Can I go now?"

Donald Trump is not my president Because I live in the Netherlands

One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn. He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results. "Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "The urine belongs to the Vice President." "What could possibly be worse than that?" "The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

A greedy businessman, a felon, and a pedophile walk into a bar Bartender says “what’ll it be Mr president?”

Finally, a smart blonde joke. A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

The 2016 Presidential Race is ending... It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated all the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential race. The three candidates would run a lap around the White House and the person with the best time would become president. Bernie Sanders goes first, but being as old as he is, he takes about 24 minutes. Trump goes next and arrives with a time of 14:26. Hillary Clinton goes last, running as fast as she can, trampling the flowers and shrubs in her way in an effort to beat Trump's time. She finally crosses the finish line at just under ten minutes. "Aha!" She exclaims, "That must be some kind of record!" "I don't think so," says Obama, "Bush did 9:11"

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. -The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. -Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. -President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that he had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if they were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is fucking the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

It was only three times... promise. Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Smith came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 26 votes short..?"

Trump is not my president. I live in Europe.

Cheating for "Good" Reasons An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'" Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?" Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." "I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time." "Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

What did Trump say after he won the election? Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. Sorry to keep you waiting; complicated business; complicated. Thank you very much. I’ve just received a call from Secretary Clinton. She congratulated us — it’s about us — on our victory, and I congratulated her and her family on a very, very hard-fought campaign. I mean, she — she fought very hard. Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely. Now it’s time for America to bind the wounds of division; have to get together. To all Republicans and Democrats and independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together as one united people. It’s time. I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans, and this is so important to me. For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few people. . . . . . I’m reaching out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify our great country. As I’ve said from the beginning, ours was not a campaign, but rather an incredible and great movement made up of millions of hard-working men and women who love their country and want a better, brighter future for themselves and for their families. It’s a movement comprised of Americans from all races, religions, backgrounds and beliefs who want and expect our government to serve the people, and serve the people it will. Working together, we will begin the urgent task of rebuilding our nation and renewing the American dream. I’ve spent my entire life and business looking at the untapped potential in projects and in people all over the world. That is now what I want to do for our country. Tremendous potential. I’ve gotten to know our country so well — tremendous potential. It’s going to be a beautiful thing. Every single American will have the opportunity to realize his or her fullest potential. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. We are going to fix our inner cities and rebuild our highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals. We’re going to rebuild our infrastructure, which will become, by the way, second to none. And we will put millions of our people to work as we rebuild it. We will also finally take care of our great veterans. They’ve been so loyal, and I’ve gotten to know so many over this 18-month journey. The time I’ve spent with them during this campaign has been among my greatest honors. Our veterans are incredible people. We will embark upon a project of national growth and renewal. I will harness the creative talents of our people and we will call upon the best and brightest to leverage their tremendous talent for the benefit of all. It’s going to happen. We have a great economic plan. We will double our growth and have the strongest economy anywhere in the world. At the same time, we will get along with all other nations willing to get along with us. We will be. We’ll have great relationships. We expect to have great, great relationships. No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best. We must reclaim our country’s destiny and dream big and bold and daring. We have to do that. We’re going to dream of things for our country and beautiful things and successful things once again. I want to tell the world community that while we will always put America’s interests first, we will deal fairly with everyone, with everyone — all people and all other nations. We will seek common ground, not hostility; partnership, not conflict. And now I’d like to take this moment to thank some of the people who really helped me with this, what they are calling tonight, very, very historic victory. First, I want to thank my parents, who I know are looking down on me right now. Great people. I’ve learned so much from them. They were wonderful in every regard. I had truly great parents. I also want to thank my sisters, Maryanne and Elizabeth, who are here with us tonight. And, where are they? They’re here someplace. They’re very shy, actually. And my brother Robert — my great friend. Where is Robert? Where is Robert? My brother Robert. And they should all be on this stage, but that’s OK. They’re great. And also my late brother, Fred. Great guy. Fantastic guy. Fantastic family. I was very lucky. Great brothers, sisters; great, unbelievable parents. To Melania and Don. . . . . . and Ivanka. . . . . . and Eric and Tiffany and Baron, I love you and I thank you, and especially for putting up with all of those hours. This was tough. This was tough. This political stuff is nasty and it’s tough. So I want to thank my family very much. Really fantastic. Thank you all. Thank you all. And Lara, unbelievable job, unbelievable. Vanessa, thank you.

After the Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share. A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A considerable amount actually. Please don't begin reading this at work. There is a lot of material here and reading through it will take you a bit of time. If your boss catches you it could get you in trouble, as it's hard to imagine that this won't be a distraction from you job. Besides the reading factor alone however, there is a substantive amount to contrast between each individual, and much to meditate on. These differences extend beyond merely career, education, upbringing, etc and broach upon the very Weltanschauung of these men. If you operate heavy machinery, you may find yourself distracted when pondering said differences somewhat extensively, and this could be diverting enough to actually put you in danger if your mind begins to wander at work. Please for your own safety, leave this thread until you get home. It's an absorbing topic, but your wellbeing is of higher priority. A basic cursory outlook at the mini bios of these two immediately presents us with 187 distinct differences, however, these may be simply "cosmetic" so to speak, and appear as the same differences that either individual would have with any other person. I believe upon further investigation and inquiry, many more will become apparent. From Armstrong's Wikipedia: For other people named Neil Armstrong, see Neil Armstrong (disambiguation). Neil Alden Armstrong (August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012) was an American astronaut, engineer, and the first person to walk on the Moon. He was also an aerospace engineer, naval aviator, test pilot, and university professor. Before becoming an astronaut, Armstrong was an officer in the U.S. Navy and served in the Korean War. After the war, he earned his bachelor's degree at Purdue University and served as a test pilot at the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) High-Speed Flight Station, where he logged over 900 flights. He later completed graduate studies at the University of Southern California. USAF / NASA astronaut Born Neil Alden Armstrong August 5, 1930 Near Wapakoneta, Ohio, U.S. Died August 25, 2012 (aged 82) Cincinnati, Ohio, U.S. Previous occupation Naval aviator, test pilot Alma mater Purdue University, B.S. 1955 University of Southern California, M.S. 1970 Rank Lieutenant (junior grade), United States Navy Time in space 8 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes, and 30 seconds Selection 1958 USAF Man In Space Soonest 1960 USAF Dyna-Soar 1962 NASA Group 2 Total EVAs 1 Total EVA time 2 hours 31 minutes Missions Gemini 8, Apollo 11 Mission insignia Ge08Patch orig.png Apollo 11 insignia.png Awards United States Naval Aviator/Astronaut Insignia NASA Civilian Astronaut Wings Presidential Medal of Freedom Congressional Space Medal of Honor A participant in the U.S. Air Force's Man in Space Soonest and X-20 Dyna-Soar human spaceflight programs, Armstrong joined the NASA Astronaut Corps in 1962. He made his first space flight as command pilot of Gemini 8 in March 1966, becoming NASA's first civilian astronaut to fly in space. He performed the first docking of two spacecraft, with pilot David Scott. This mission was aborted after Armstrong used some of his reentry control fuel to prevent a dangerous spin caused by a stuck thruster, in the first in-flight space emergency. Armstrong's second and last spaceflight was as commander of Apollo 11, the first manned Moon landing mission in July 1969. Armstrong and Lunar Module pilot Buzz Aldrin descended to the lunar surface and spent two and a half hours outside the spacecraft, while Michael Collins remained in lunar orbit in the Command/Service Module. Along with Collins and Aldrin, Armstrong was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Richard Nixon. President Jimmy Carter presented Armstrong the Congressional Space Medal of Honor in 1978. Armstrong and his former crewmates received the Congressional Gold Medal in 2009. Armstrong died in Cincinnati, Ohio on August 25, 2012, at the age of 82, after complications from coronary artery bypass surgery. Armstrong was born on August 5, 1930 near Wapakoneta, Ohio, the son of Stephen Koenig Armstrong and Viola Louise Engel. He was of German, Irish, and Scottish ancestry, and had a younger sister, June, and a younger brother, Dean. His father worked as an auditor for the Ohio state government; the family moved around the state repeatedly after Armstrong's birth, living in 20 towns. Armstrong's love for flying grew during this time, having gotten off to an early start when his father took his two-year-old son to the Cleveland Air Races. When he was five, he experienced his first airplane flight in Warren, Ohio on July 20, 1936 when he and his father took a ride in a Ford Trimotor, also known as the "Tin Goose". His father's last move was in 1944, back to Wapakoneta. Armstrong attended Blume High School and took flying lessons at the grassy Wapakoneta airfield. He earned a student flight certificate on his 16th birthda

Hillary Clinton is elected President. On her first night in the White House (not counting when she was first lady), she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Washington replies "Serve your country selflessly and always be honest" *Hillary laughs in his face* On her second day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Jefferson replies "Remember that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed, and that the individual is to have sovereignty over himself." *Hillary laughs in his face* On her third day in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks, "What can I do to help America?" Lincoln replies "Go to the theater."

A $50 Lesson A $50 Lesson I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed with pride. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.' She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

The Pope visits Texas The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say no so he obliged and exchanged seats. It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph! Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor. The trooper called in and told the sergeant, "Sergeant, I'm afraid I pulled over someone very very important." In which he replied," Well, who is it, the governor?" "No, no, much more important than that!" "The President?!" "I'm afraid even more important than that!" "Well, who the hell is it then?!" "I don't know, but his chauffeur is the freakin' Pope!"

If Trump is elected president... He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.

A wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars. “The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.” The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After the man leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the wealthy man man returns, want to repay the $5000 plus interest and request his Rolls Royce back. Upon which the loan officer does the fully tally: * Loan closing fee $ 178 * Car storage fee $ 26.68 per day for 15 day * Special collateral processing fee $ 216 * Collateral Protection Insurance fee $ 110 * 15.59% annual interest for 15 days $ 31.95 Total: $ 936.15 The man replies, "I think I fucked this up big time. Why did I not simply park my car in the assigned garage spot of my condo, where I regularly park my car?"

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado... Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas. Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz. “What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?” Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.” ”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?” Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.” ”Done,” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?” Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.” ”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.” There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?” ”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq." "Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar... ... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'

Arthur Guinness The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted... ...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications. The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

Why I didn't get the job... I applied for an executive position at a major corporation. They called me in for an interview with the board of directors, and it went pretty well. The next day I got a call... it was the vice president on the line! "Listen, sir", he told me, "you left me very impressed yesterday. But there's another candidate for the job. Very similar education and work background, impressive interview... it's practically a tie between you two". "Really? So which one of us are you going to hire?" I asked. "Well," the VP responded, "the Board of Directors has decided to have you both come in to answer a ten question test about our company. Whoever gets the higher score will get the job. Be here at 9am sharp tomorrow morning". So the next morning I go to the VP's office. The other candidate is there - a very charismatic guy, and obviously really smart. So we get sat down at two desks, side by side, and are given the test. A little while later, the VP calls me back into his office. "Listen... we've scored the tests. You both got nine out of ten, and both missed question #5. But we're going to have to go with the other guy." "What?" I asked, shocked. "But we got the same question wrong!" "Yes," the VP answered, "but it had more to do with your answers to #5. The other candidate answered, 'I don't know', and you answered 'Neither do I'."

Donald Trump has just announced his candidacy for president Sorry for putting the punchline in the title.

Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president. I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

I think I'll vote the NSA for president... ...because at least they'll listen to the voters even after the election.

A mexican kid tells D. Trump: I want to be President! Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded? Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

The amount of unqualified candidates in this election is unpresidented

Donald Trump is still running for president because it is the only race he hasn't offended yet.

Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much We may as well call him the "Not Si" President

What are they going to use to build the wall? The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.

The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for... When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.     *credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast*

Hillary Clinton goes t o a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. I have three questions," he says. "1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi? 2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? And, 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary of State?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny," he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks. "I have five questions," he says. "1st -- whatever happened in Benghazi? 2nd -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? 3rd -- whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? 4th -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?" And 5th -- where's Kenneth?"

Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection... But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.

3 surgeons walk into a pub... ...The first claims to be the best surgeon of Texas: "the world's best piano player lost 7 fingers in an accident. I sewed them back on and yesterday, he played a private concert for the queen of England." The second one answeres: "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and both legs in an accident and I sewed them back on. 2 years later, he won a gold medal at the olympic games." The third physician, who had been silent to this point says: "Amateurs! A couple of years ago, a young businessman overdosed on coke. He rode his horse in front of a train, tried to stop the train and was ripped into pieces. The only thing left was the man's butt and the horses forelock. I patched him up and two weeks ago, this man was sworn in as President of the United States.

The pope goes for a cruise The pope arrives in new york and is getting into his limo when he pauses and asks the driver if he could drive. The driver says of course, you are the pope who am I to tell you no. So the pope is driving around New York with his driver in the back. It's been far too long since since he's been behind the wheel and his driving shows it. His eyes are old and can't see very well, he's swerving in and out of his lane. Inevitably he ends up getting pulled over. The cop comes up to the car sees who's driving and without saying a word slowly turns and walks back to his cruiser. He goes to his partner and says "we've got an extremely important person in the limo." his partner replies "who is it, the mayor?" "Bigger" the cop says. "what like the governor?" "BIGGER" the cop replies again. "It isn't the president, is it?" "I don't know who's in the back, but whoever it is has the fucking pope driving them around!"

A man finds a bottle A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared. Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?" "Yes," said the genie. "But all my wishes come with a price." "I want to be rich," said the man. And the genie replied "Very well, but it will cost you your good name, and all the people will dislike you." "Who needs friends when you have money?" said the man. "Do it." The genie waved his hands and said, "It is done. What is your second wish?" The man thought for a minute and said "I wish for a beautiful wife." "This will cost you your looks," said the genie. "You will be ugly and strange." "With a beautiful wife, I no longer need to be attractive," said the man. "Do it." The genie waved his hands and said, "It is done. What is your final wish?" The man thought for a moment and said "I wish to be ruler of the whole world." "I can grant this wish," said the genie, "but it will cost you all of your intelligence. You will be like a newborn baby, unable to speak or know what's happening around you." "That's no good," said the man. "I want to be able to enjoy it. What can I get for half my intelligence?" "Well, I could help you run for president..."

Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?

I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States

You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health? I'm voting for the dying one.

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!" Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

When Trump visited the White House before his presidency... He asked then president Obama how he managed to run two successful terms. "Simple", Obama replied, "Just get an intelligent wife" "How do I know my wife is intelligent?" Trump asked. "Just ask her intelligent questions and if she answers correctly, then you know she is intelligent". Obama then called Michelle and asked "Darling, your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child?" "The child is certainly me", Michelle replied. "You see!", Obama told Trump, "that is how I know my wife is intelligent." On return to his home, Trump called Melania and asked her, "Darling, your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child?". After serious thinking and scratching her head, Melania is unable to get the answer, she tells Trump to give her some time to think. She goes around asking all her friends but she is unable to get the answer. At the washrooms, she meets a cleaner and asks her "Your parents have a child, the child is neither your sister nor your brother, who is the child? "Simple, the cleaner replies, the child is me". Amused with herself, Melania walks to the husband and says, "I now know the answer, the child is our cleaner!" "WRONG!" Trump yells at Melania, "the child is not our cleaner, the child is Michelle Obama!"

Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early... and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today. The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early. The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early. As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"

Take that back Olympics Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back.... 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing." 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother." 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious." 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces." 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew." 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?...:)