50+ Plumber Jokes

Boss said I must use my vacation before month end but also “no one can take time off”, so I read the policy Company sends a shiny HR email, subject line all caps, USE IT OR LOSE IT. We had to burn our remaining PTO by the 30th or it evaporates into the sun. Same day, my manager announces in standup that due to quarter end “no one can take time off until the 1st.” I asked how to reconcile that, he shrugs and says talk to HR. HR says talk to your manager. Cute loop. So I opened the handbook, because I am a petty librarian when annoyed. Page 14 has this little sentence I never noticed. “PTO requests not explicitly denied in writing within 48 business hours are considered approved.” There is also a note that partial day PTO is allowed in 1 hour blocks. Thank you, legal team. I submitted ten separate requests. Two hours every morning next week, two hours every afternoon the week after, a random Friday 3 to 5 to watch a plumber, and one full day to visit my mom. I sent the requests in our HR portal, which auto emails the manager and CCs a shared mailbox nobody watches. Then I went back to my tasks and set reminders. Forty eight business hours pass. No denial. The portal changes each request to approved, green checkmark, confetti gif. Monday comes and at 9.58 I put a cheerful note in the team chat. “Heading out, see you at noon.” Manager pings me to hop on a client call, I reply with a screenshot of the policy and the portal approval. Silence. Then three dots typing, then nothing. By Wednesday our calendar looked like cheese. Half the team remembered they also had PTO sitting around and started filing it in little blocks. Meetings kept colliding with green bars. Finance realized that if we did not use the days now, they would be paid out at separation later, which they hate. HR wrote a new post saying we should “coordinate” but that approvals already granted stand. My manager called a huddle to ask why productivity dipped. I said we are following HR’s instruction to use PTO. He said he meant in November. I sent him the original email timestamped this month. He sighed and said he never thought anyone would actually read the handbook. I used every hour, took my mom to lunch, and my plumber fixed the cursed sink at 3.40 while I drank tea. Next week a new policy appeared. PTO must be requested in full day increments during quarter end, and managers must respond in 24 hours. Thanks for clarifying, truly.

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic." I said, "Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid." "Not that," she explained, "It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks."

Chemist n Plumber

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask him/her to pronounce unionized Edit: Gets 3000+ upvotes, Karma remains at 20...

A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. A math professor noticed his kitchen sink at home was leaking. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, tightened a couple of nuts, and the sink worked perfectly again. The professor was delighted. But when, a minute later, the plumber handed him the bill, he was shocked. “This is a third of my monthly salary!” “Yeah, I get it…” said the plumber. “Why don’t you come work for our company as a plumber? You’ll make three times more than you do as a professor. Just remember: when you apply, say you only finished seventh grade. They don’t like hiring educated people.” So the professor got a job as a plumber, and his life really did improve. All he had to do was tighten a nut here and there every so often, and his salary was much higher. One day, the management of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to attend evening classes to finish eighth grade. So our professor had to go too. By chance, the very first class was math. The evening school teacher, wanting to check what the students knew, asked for the formula for the area of a circle. They called the professor up to the board, and he suddenly realized he’d forgotten it. He started frantically reasoning it out, covering the board with integrals, differentials, and all sorts of fancy formulas to re-derive the result. In the end, he got: S = –π r² He didn’t like the minus sign, so he started again. Again he got a minus. No matter what he did, it kept coming out negative. He cast a panicked look at the class, and all the plumbers were whispering: “Swap the limits of integration!”

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink ..... so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

Don't believe me that I have severe bowel issues enjoy having it clogged and fleece toilet Background: do to medications and bad genetics I am not in any way regular. Anytime at a new job or new location I look for the most powerful toilet there to not inconvenience people you know those air pressurized ones that sound like a jet's going off those usually can survive. Years ago I worked in an old three story building. 3rd floor employee bathroom has your standard low flow worthless. Anytime nature called I would make my way down the stairs to the lobby and use the more updated pressurized toilets and let me just say that with all of the supplements I take to make the job easier you could have days if not weeks of filler for the toilet in a matter of seconds. Of course new manager comes in not liking that I'm taking 30 minute toilet breaks walking all the way down to the lobby walking all the way back up he demands I use the employee toilet down the hall. Que:Malicious Compliance Now you can imagine the problems this now causes at least once every two weeks toilet is stuck plumber stuck and not the best smell of course it shuts down that employee toilet so now everyone has to go down at least one floor to use someone else's toilet so everyone's taking more time he finally believes me that hey I don't have a doctor's note that I need a more powerful toilet because that's stupid but maybe just let me go down to the lobby to not inconvenience every single person here and make their rest of their day for two or three days more miserable nife EDIT: Voice to text\ edit: everyone should=downvote every poop knife post. It is weird.

How Do You Make A Plumber Sad? You kill his wife and kids.

How to make plumber cry? Just break his legs and kill his family

What did the little Syrian boy do with his dad on bring your kid to work day? He watched his dad fix pipes because his dad is a plumber

Don't touch the DeWalt! Going back through the mists of time to the days of working with my father in law as a builder's labourer for this little story. To start this, my fil/boss had a habit of going to B&Q for [insert random non critical item], when in actual fact it was a handy excuse to go to a cafe for a sausage and bacon sarnie while the rest of us got on with the work. He had one golden rule; all other tools were whatever, but his precious DeWalt drill was his baby. Never, ever, ***ever*** touch the DeWalt! This fine morning, he decided to toddle off, leaving me, the plumber, and the plasterer to our various jobs. My task was to sort out the arcatrave and hang a door. After getting the hang of builders banter while being a *gasp* girl (give as good as you get, and you're sorted lmao), I thought I'd sort out the cheeky bugger. You see...don't touch the DeWalt. The only drill in the building. Fine, suits me. Fil waltzes in, suspicious stains on his shirt, and what looked to be ketchup on the corner of his mouth. 'Why the hell isn't the door done?!' 'Well, I did what I could, but you said I wasn't to use the DeWalt' He spluttered a fair bit, the plasterer fell off the steps from pissing himself laughing, plumber quietly giggled, and I stood there pulling the most angelic face I could manage. And then I was finally given permission to use the damn drill.

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain... ...can a hooker get laid off?

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

A math professor, John, has problems with his sink ..... so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door My plumber has a funny sense of humour

When I was teenage boy At first I wanted to be a gardener. Then I wanted to be a pool cleaner, afterwards a plumber. Then I stopped watching porn movies and went to college.

Russian Car Joke [This thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1sv7r1/old_russian_joke/) reminded me of this joke I'd heard years ago: We're in Soviet Russia in the early 80's and Vladimir has been hoarding his spare rubles for years and years in order to be able to purchase a car. The big day finally arrives; he's finally saved up enough. He goes to the Ministry of Motor Vehicles and after waiting in line for 5 hours, he is finally face-to-face with a bureaucrat and Vladimir proudly announces, "I would like to purchase a car!" The bureaucrat takes Vlad's rubles, counts them, counts them, counts them again. Then he wordlessly throws Vlad a pile of paperwork which Vlad dutifully fills out (in triplicate!) so that they can proceed. The bureaucrat examines all the paperwork, makes Vladimir re-do some of the pages he screwed up, and then makes his determination: "I have examined your paperwork and it is sufficient. The rubles you have paid me are sufficient. You can purchase a car. Come back 10 years from today and your car will be ready." Unfazed by this, Vlad asks, "Will it be ready in the morning or the afternoon?" The bureaucrat is stunned... "Morning or afternoon? Morning or afternoon? It's 10 years from today! Why do you care if it's in the morning or afternoon?" Vladimir replies, "Well, it's just that the plumber's coming by in the morning..."

Three dumb guys are in a bar talking about their cheating wives... First guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with a plumber. Yesterday when I came home I found a lot of plumbing equipment under our bed that don't belong to me." Second guy says, "I'm sure my wife is having an affair with an electrician. I came home yesterday to find an electrician's toolbox under our bed." Third guy says, "You guys have it easy. My wife is having an affair with a horse!" - "A horse?! How'd you find that out?" - "Well, yesterday I came home to find a horse jockey hiding under our bed!"

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronouce unionized

A plumber rings the doorbell "Come in", says the homeowner, Stacy. "Hi, I am the plumber, sorry for being a bit late" "That's fine, my sister must have called for you" "Alright. So where's that disgusting clogged up mess?" "Her name actually is Rita, and she's not home at the moment".

A dog goes into a hardware store... ...and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire talking dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”. -Steven Alan Green

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce the word "unionized."

A newlywed couple moves into their new house... A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

A North Korean farmer is finally rewarded after fifty years of hard labour for the State A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims "Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car" The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciation, the party official continues; "As you know, North Korean industry is the the most powerful and efficient in the world, and as such we will have your car delivered to you in exactly 8 years" The humble farmer then signals to the official to wait, and he crosses the room to check his calendar. After flipping through for some time he finally says; "Morning or afternoon?" The party official is rather offended, and remarks "comrade, you are being given a car! And that privilege aside, delivery is 8 years away, what does it matter if its morning or afternoon?" To which the farmer responds "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning..."

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word, "unionized".

How do you tell the difference between a physicist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word 'unionized'.

This morning I woke up to a tap on my front door. My plumber has a weird sense of humour.

Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan... Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you. On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up. Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?" "It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer. "Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man. Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?" "The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.

What does a plumber call screwing his wife [NSFW] Servicing the dishwasher

Porn gives unrealistic expectations. The plumber took his usual £60 per hour, even though I sucked his cock.

What's the difference between a plumber and a scientist? Pronounce this word: unionized

Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.

Everyday my wife is complaining about something, Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room. The next day I get home from work again to be awaited by my wife, she says: The walls upstairs are getting yellow because of all the cigars you smoke, go paint the wall! Do I look like a painter, I say. Furiously she walks away. The day after that I come home again from an exhausting day at work. My wife says: the shower is leaking and the toilet doesn't flush anymore. I look her in the eyes and say: Do I look like a plumber? This time she remains calm and leaves the room quiet. The following day I come home from work, only to see the stairs fixed, the toilet working and the walls painted white. I say to my wife: Wow, you have been pretty busy I suppose! No she replied, the neighbour next door helped me do all this. I ask her: What nice of him, what did you have to do in order to get him so far? Well, she says, I could either bake him a cake, or give him the time of his life. I ask her: Well what kind of cake did you bake? She replies by saying: Do I look like a baker?

Husband Wife joke :) A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

What’s worse than two naked plumbers in a cornfield? The holocaust.

I think my wife is having an affair with a horse. Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.” His second friend says, “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.” Paddy says, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. “No, I’m serious,” Paddy says. “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”

Why do women make such great plumbers? They like to bring up shit from the past.

A Newlywed Couple A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing." He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet. The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, “That will be $200.” The surgeon was astonished. He says, “I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.” The plumber says, “Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."

Why don’t plumbers argue for long? *They always find a way to pipe things down.*

How do you tell the difference between a Chemist and a Plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

So I was watching an interview of Ronald Regan... ...and apparently he heard this joke from Gorbachev. A Russian man living in the Soviet Union wants to buy a car. He goes through the application process and scrapes together enough cash, and after a few weeks goes to the town hall to pay. He gives the money the clerk tells him to come back and pick up his new car in ten years. The man replies, "Morning or evening?" The clerk says, "What difference does it make, it's in ten years!" The man frowns and says, "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning." Apologies if this has already been posted.

What's a plumber's least favorite type of shoe? Clogs.

What do I look like? A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day, the husband comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking in the upstairs bathroom. Could you fix it?" The husband says: "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says: "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like? Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says: "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. The wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like?" she says. "Betty Crocker?"

After a long day at work, I come home to my nagging wife. "The sink's leaking, fix it," she says. "I'm not a plumber," I say. "The electric's broken, fix it," she says. "I'm not an electrician," I say. She stomps off in a huff. The next day, I come home from work again and... everything's fixed! "What happened?" I ask her. "I got a man in to do it," she says. "How much did it cost?" I say. "Well, he asked for either an apple pie, or a blowjob," she says. "I hope you gave him an apple pie!" I say. "I'm not a baker," she says.

When I was about 14/15 I wanted to be a plumber, then I wanted to be a firefighter, then pizza delivery man,then I stopped watching porn.

Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them... Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.. The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed. The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed. The third guy says, "That's nothing! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe my wife is screwing a horse."

Why are Plumbers always so tired? Because their job is draining.

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!

I used to be a plumber on the International Space Station Shit was outta this world.

Why are dyslexic zombies such good plumbers? Because they're always looking for drains.

Niagara Falls A guide was showing Niagara-Falls to a man from Texas and said; I’ll bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas. The Texan said; nope, but in Texas we have plumbers who can fix it.

Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites) A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and adds the woman's name to the long waiting list. "Come back two years from now on March 17th," he says. The woman consults her calendar. "Morning or afternoon?" she asks. "What difference does it make?" the surly dealer replies. "That's two years from now!" "The plumber is coming that day," she says.

A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist ask them to pronounce the word 'unionized'

[OC] What did the blind plumber say? I cant see shit.

Soviet buy car Go to Lada dealer. He choosing red one. They filling out papers. When finishing, dealer saying: You taking delivery in 23 years. Soviet: Is in morning or afternoon? Dealer: What difference is making? Soviet: Plumber come in morning.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized. **x-post r/ScienceHumour**

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door... My plumber sure has a strange sense of humor...

A Jewish couple is about to consummate their marriage... But before they get to business, they both have to use the restroom. The groom goes in and goes pee, and after he is done, he forgets to put the seat down. The bride, not realizing the seat was still up, sits down and gets stuck in the toilet. She yells for help, and her new husband comes in to see what's the matter. She says, "I'm stuck in the toilet, do something." The groom responds, "What am I supposed to do?" to which the bride replied, "For crying out loud, call a plumber, and get that damn Rabbi in here." So the groom calls the front desk of the hotel and they reach out to a plumber. In the meantime, the Rabbi arrives in the room and speaks to the bride. She tells him, "quick the plumber is about to get here, and I need to guard my private parts. Hand me your Yarmulke." The plumber arrives a few minutes later and the groom asks, "can you save my wife?" The plumber says, "sure, I can definitely save your wife, but the Rabbi is a goner."

Three men are captured by a group of terrorists, and are to be tortured. They shout at the first man, demanding to know what his job was before he was captured. "I was a butcher!" He says. The terrorists get a meat cleaver, and hack his dick off with it. They shout at the second man, demanding to know what his job was before he was captured. "I was a plumber!" he says. The terrorists use a lead pipe to beat his dick until it no longer functions properly. They turn to the third man, but much to their surprise, they find him laughing so hard he's crying. They demand to know why he's laughing - to which he replies: "I used to put together vacuums!"

My German plumber accidentally hooked up my gas line to my shower... Looks like old habits die hard.

What are a plumbers least favorite kind of shoe? Clogs.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke) "What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."

What do a plumber and a walrus have in common? They both like a good, tight seal.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

do not be racist Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

100 kisses A miser wrote a letter to his wife saying that he can’t send her money this month, so he sends hundred kisses instead. She replied a month later saying: “Thanks for the kisses, dear, because they helped me a lot. Here’s how I spent them: 2 kisses for the milkman, 7 for the grocer, the landlord comes everyday and takes a kiss or two, the butcher and the greengrocer weren't satisfied by the kisses and so I gave them other material, and gave the doorman and the plumber about 40 kisses. I still have 35, and I hope it will last me for the month. I will follow this way for the next months, because it solved many problems for me. Regards, your loving wife”.

I hired an old German plumber when remodeling my apartment He was a great guy, very reliable and thorough. But it seems old habits die hard. He connected gas main to my shower.

My plumber insists on personally using every toilet he just installed. His mission is to boldly go where no one has gone before. Sorry Gene. We still love you.

I've always wanted to be a plumber... but my friends all say it's just a pipe dream.

Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers? Because they only use half pipes.

A lawyer calls up a plumber to come out to his house... The plumber takes a look and says, OK, I can fix it today, and it will be $800. The lawyer raises an eyebrow and asks, how long will it take? The plumber responds, "well, I need about an hour round trip to the supply house for a part, and then it should take me about an hour for the repair" The lawyer smirks and says, "two hours? For $800? Thats $400 per hour! I'm a lawyer and my hourly rate is $350 / hour!" The plumber nods and says, "yes, sir, I understand. Why is it you think I gave up my law practice?"

There must be a special discount store for plumbers... There pants are always 50% off

When I lose my glasses I become a horrible plumber because I can't see shit.

Did you hear about the mechanic who dreamed of being a plumber? It was all a pipe dream.

Is my ambition to be a plumber just a pipe dream?

Why was the plumber sad? He had a shitty job.

There's a lot of nasty jobs out there Butt plumbers have seen some shit.

How can you determine which of two people is a chemist and which is a plumber? You ask them to pronounce unionize.

Why was the plumber stressed? He had a high pressure job

I always wanted to be a plumber when I grew up but in the end it was just a pipe dream.

Why should you never hire a Jewish plumber? They all seem to get a bit weird around showers.

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.

Plumbing My German plumber accidentally hooked up the gas pipes to my shower.... I guess old habits die hard.

What did one plumber say to the other plumber? Pipe down.

Dont be a racist, be like Mario... he is an Italian plumber created by Japanese people, who speaks English, looks like a Mexican that jumps like a black man and grabs coins like a Jew.

Why don't plumbers like to work on instant hot water heaters? It's a tankless job!

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Apparently this was one of the jokes from East Germany before the fall of the Berlin Wall. A citizen orders a Trabant car. The salesman tells him to come back to pick it up in nine years. The customer asks: "Shall I come back in the morning or in the evening then?" "You're joking, aren't you?" "No, not at all. It's just that I need to know whether the plumber can come at 3pm or not." (Credit to anonymous)

The difference between a scientist and a plumber... The way you pronounce unionized.

My German plumber accidentally hooked up a gas pipe to my shower Old habits die hard

"McDonald's sales soar thanks to all day breakfast" In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.

How do you make a plumber sad? You kill his family

How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his whole family

A dog walks into a bar........ ...and asks for a beer The barman is astonished and says "Bloody hell! A talking dog! You should be in the circus!!" "The circus?" replies the dog, "Why would a circus need a plumber??"

Sean Connery the plumber Sean Connery the plumber, available 24/7, rain or shnow. Becaushe the shitty never shleeps.

The plumber comes to fix some things in the house... ...and little Ernie follows him everywhere. When the plumber pulls out a screwdriver, little Ernie says, ”My Dad has two of those.” The plumber smiles and pulls out a wrench. ”My Dad has two of those,” says Ernie. The plumber smiles again and carries on working. When he goes to the bathroom for a pee, little Ernie goes along. Taking out his prick, the plumber asks, ”Has your dad got two of these too?” ”Yes, he has!” replies little Ernie. ”He has got one small one like you to pee with, and a big one which he chases Mum around the kitchen table with!”

Why did the plumber kill himself? He was sewericidal.