50+ Pirate Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading

My 6 yo asks: “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?” I think to myself ‘Oh I used to say this joke’. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, “R!” Smirking, my 6 yo replies, “Aye, you’d think so, but it ‘tis the C!” Proud moment right there folks!

What's a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally.... So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a costume party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a high-end costume store to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Enclosed please find a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look exactly like a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note. Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Enclosed please find a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. Now the man is furious, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Enclosed please find a bottle of excellent grenadine syrup. We suggest you pour the red grenadine syrup over your bald head, let it harden, and then stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple.

As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter? Me: ARRRGH! Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

This is how bad the economy is: * My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. * Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries. * CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. * Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. * A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. * If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them. * McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer. * Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. * Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. * A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. * A picture is now only worth 200 words. * When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. * The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally…. * I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

The origin of pirate talk

What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table? Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.

Where do pirates smoke their weed? The high seas.

How do people breathe when downloading movies from illegal websites? They Res-Pirate

A cat pirate walked into a saloon, and wanted to fit in. Unsure of what to say, he stammered... "M-meowdy parrrrrrrtner" Ik I hate myself for this one too

A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR." A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

Since We're Doing Pirate Jokes. What Does Every Pirate Hate? A small chest with no booty.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… \- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail. \- CEO's are now playing miniature golf. \- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. \- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. \- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. \- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. \- A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. \- A picture is now only worth 200 words. \- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. \- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty And finally... \- I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, social security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. PS: Source - Unknown PPS: Reposting after three years…what would we joke about differently?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his penis. The bartender asks him “Is that a steering wheel on your penis?” The pirate replies, “Aaaar, yes! It’s driving me nuts!”

What's a pirate's favorite letter? A letter from their family. They probably haven't seen their wife and kids in years.

A pirate goes to a doctor... A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!" (sorry if repost, haven't seen it on this sub)

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Let me celebrate my birthday with this song I just downloaded." Edit - alternate punchline: "Let me celebrate my birthday by playing this song I downloaded and eating cake with me hearties."

What is a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter? [Please help me find the answer here](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1F8WsUJGvMfNsFiGwnO0YYBUjew7HhwRVxxZ-i0QN-Gw/) **Edit 1:** Thanks for your responses! I'm analyzing the result based on the first 1800 answers, but I'll still accept more answers and do another analysis later. **Edit 2:** 1110 out of 1800 responses were done by pirates, which is about 62%. And there is an intense battle going on between Q and R; Q got 295 votes from pirates and R got 297 votes, so R is winning by just 2 votes! There are only 6 letters that got less than 200 votes: L with 190, M with 193, N with 197, O with 195, S with 191, and T with 195. It's interesting that almost all of them are adjacent. Some pirates might not like non-alphabet characters, so there was the "other" option. Here are a few examples of voted letters: * & * Numbers like 2, 7, etc. * Greek letters like Ξ, ξ, Ω, etc. * Currency symbols like £, €, $, etc. * Ñ, Å, Ö, etc. * Æ * 🐙 * Dear Sir/Madam, we are writing to inform you that you are in violation of the DMCA... * Love letters * Why are you doing this * I lied, I am not a pirate * The star wars movies * Your mum Don't be disappointed if you're not a pirate though, I'll also analyze non-pirates' responses next time! TL;DR: Q and R are the strong candidates for a pirate's least favorite letter, and R is winning. **Edit 3:** About 3800 responses! It's a lot more than I expected. I'll do the second analysis in a few hours. **Edit 4:** 2417 responses out of 3824 were done by pirates, which is about 63%. Q got 690 votes from pirates and R got 607 votes, so Q is winning by 83 votes now! Next to R is Z, which got 561 votes. The most friendly letter is L, with only 418 votes. People have pointed out that R being second is strange since pirates say "Arrrrrr" all the time, which sounds similar to R. Ironically, many pirates have said that R was the only letter that they didn't like. But other pirates have said that they didn't like any letter except R, so I guess that depends on how they treat the letter. How about non-pirates? Q won by a large margin, getting 341 votes. The next is going to be either X or Z, with 223 and 226 votes respectively. Unlike for pirates, R is just a normal letter with 149 votes. Most friendly letters are M and T, with 91 and 90 votes respectively. So when someone asks "what is a pirate's least favorite letter?" then we could say: "It's Q." I'll do the third analysis when things are settled down, with a complete graph showing how many votes each alphabet got. TL;DR: It's Q. **Edit 5:** Very slighty edited the above update. **Edit 6:** It's been more than 2 months now, and I noticed that I still get about 20 responses each day. I'd like to thank you everyone for spreading pirates' and non-pirates' favor in letters to the world. I'll someday do the third analysis later. Also, I'm thinking of linking the spreadsheet of entire responses before this gets archived; should I do that? **Edit 7:** [Before this gets archived...](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Xtbl8zzBsR8UK0COGWEM3Meo6LNMLs3WzKSLgnKtdyE) **Edit 8:** TIL I can edit archived posts

"Bite me, asshole" "Bite me, asshole" - grammatically correct and scathing "Bite me asshole" - kinky pirate

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

What did the pirate say when he turned 81? Nothing. He stood alone and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing that he could exchange all of his loot to get back the family and friends who all died long before him. Unable to bear his sorrows for another lonely year, the old pirate kicked the stool out from underneath himself and smiled for the first time in years. He would see them again soon.

What's a pirates favourite letter? P, because without it they're irate

What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested that most pirates would have been illiterate.

Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet? Because they often spend years at C EDIT: made it more punny

What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.

So I met a Pirate... - Mobile user, please excuse phrasing. So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it. "Can I ask how you got the peg leg?". "Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying for land, when a giant shark came up out of the briny and took me leg clean off!" "WOW! That's quite a tale!" I said, "and what about you hand?" "Aye," he continued, "I was on the lower deck, inspecting the cannons, when a giant squid reached up through the porthole and tore me hand clean off!" "UNBELIEVABLE", I said, and I had to know more. "So what about your eye?" "Arr, twas not long after the squid, I was back on deck preparing to invade a small clipper ship, when a bird flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Wow and that cost you your eye?" "No, it was me first day with the hook..." Edit: Pirate lingo.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head

What's a pirate's favorite letter? Ye'd think it was R, but his first love be the C.

What's a pirates least favorite letter? T, because the East India Company primarily transported tea, creating national economic incentives to increase the power of the navy at the time. This directly enabled the military pressure that would lead to the demise of their pirate society.

What’s a pirates least favorite letter? Dear sir or mam, We are writing you to inform you of your third copyright strike violation.

Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet? Because their life of crime never offers them the opportunity for education.

A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship... So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"   The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".   Guy: "Great when can I use it?"   Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".   Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"   The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."

Never take the 'P' out of a pirate..... as he becomes very angry.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? U. Because U keep reposting this joke.

What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero? A sea señor.

What is a pirates favorite letter? P. Because without it, he'd be irate.

how do pirates have sex? they peg

A pirate walks into a bar, and noticing that the pirate looks different than usual, the bartender asks him "What's up?" "Nothing much," says the pirate. "But your leg! What happened to it?" asks the bartender. "Ah, just a mishap while boarding a ship, when I slipped and it got eaten by a shark," explained the pirate. "But your hand! You've got a hook, where did did the hand go?" persists the bartender. "I lost it in a heated swordfight", says the pirate casually. "What about the eyepatch?" asks the curious bartender. Chuckling, the pirate replies, "Believe it or not, when I was cleaning the deck, a bird pooped right in my eye." The bartender is puzzled. "How do you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye?" "Well," says the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

Just watched a pirated movie On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14

Just saw a pirated movie On a scale of 1-10, I'd give a 3.14

I saw a pirate on the street the other day "Oh my gosh, are you a pirate?" "Aye, I be a pirate." "Wow, cool! I see you have a peg leg. How did you come to need that?" "It was during a mutiny. Me crew threw me overboard and a shark bit me leg off." "Ouch. And your hook? How'd that happen?" "During the mutiny, boy. My crew threw me overboard and the very same shark bit me hand off, too." "Oh man. And your eye patch?" "Bird poop." "Bird poop?" "Aye. A bird pooped in me eye, and it was the first day with me hook."

Two pirates, Morty and sol are at a bar Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.” “And yer hand?” asks Marty. “When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.” “OK, but what’s with the eye patch?” “I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.” “But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.” “True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”

Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads? 'Scurvy

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date? A sunken chest with no booty.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”

What's a pirate's favorite explosive? M80

A pirate goes to the doctor A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 'Aye matey"

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet? Because he was always lost at C! [ I'm^so^sorry ]

A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!" "Why?" says his wife, a little surprised "Because it's holding me back!"

What did the retired pirate say? 'I'm too old for this ship!'

Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.

What is a pirates least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connections for the following reasons: 1. Illegal downloading. Thank you, and have a nice day.

How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None.

What's a pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty.

A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

If pirates say "Arr", What do software pirates say? .RAR

Hey A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says " hey, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?". The pirate says" aargh, it's driving Me nuts"

What's a pirates least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location. Sincerely, Comcast

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced? A buccaneer.

A pirate talks with his captain... 'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?' 'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.' 'What about your hook hand?' 'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.' 'And what about your eye patch?' 'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.' 'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???' 'It was me first day with the hook!'

Pirates and the lost treasure In 2010, a group of pirates buried their treasure and earlier this year tried to recover it.. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure. One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion. "Captain, we should break R Kelly out of prison". The Captain said "This is the dumbest idea I've ever heard, but go ahead. why?" "Captain, if anybody can find 15 year old booty, it's this guy!".

A pirate walks into a bar… …and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Arrh!" says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really." "Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them… arrgh, he, pooped in me eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!" "Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”

A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up." "That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?" "We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it." The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?" "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

What's a pirate's favorite letter? The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate

Where do pirate mothers deliver their babies? In the Sea-section 🏴‍☠️

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.

What is a pirate's favourite letter? He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.

What did blackbeard the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye, matey."

What is a pirates nightmare date? A girl with a sunken chest and no booty

How much do pirates charge for piercings? A buck an ear.

What's a horny pirates worst nightmare? NSFW a sunken chest with no booty!

What kind of music does a pirate like? Arrr'n'B

What did the pirate name his pet clam? Michelle

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced? A buccaneer

What direction did the pirate go to get his bread?? Yeast!!

My favorite Pirate joke my dad always tells A young pirate is talking to an older pirate and he says, "wow how did you lose your hand?" pointing at the pirates hook. "Arrr me young lad twas fighting off some scurvy attackers trying to take me ship and in the sword fight I got me hand cut off." "Well how did you lose your leg?" he asked pointing at the wooden leg. "Arr me young lad was cooling my feet off in the ocean one fine sunny day and a shark came and bit me leg off!" "Well how did you lose your eye?" the young pirate asked, pointing at the eye patch. "Arrr me young lad, twas lying on a beach sunning me self when a bird flew over me and shit in me eye!!" The young pirate asked, "how do you lose an eye from bird shit?" "Arrr me young lad twas the first day with me hook!"

A pirate walks into a bar.. Walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Bartender recognizes the man and gets him a round of his usual. He gives him his drink and says to the pirate, "How are you doing old friend? If you don't mind me asking, what happened with your leg? You had two good legs last time you were in here." Pirate: "Well unfortunately I happen to be walking the poop deck one day and caught my leg in a hole in the boards. But, the doc fixed me up with a nice peg here. I'm fine!" Bartender: "Well that's all well and good but what happened to your hand? Last time you were in here you had drinks in both." Pirate: "My crew mates and I happen to get involved with another ship and as I was fighting the wretched sailor caught me right at the wrist. But once again the doc fixed me up with a nice hook. I'm fine!" Bartender: "These are both some truly rough injuries. However, I must know what happened to your eye?" Pirate: "It was a nice sunny morning and as I look up to check the clouds, a bird shat right in my eye." Bartender: "Then what's the reason for the patch? A shat in the eye won't make you blind." Pirate: "Ar, it was my first day with the hook."

Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They keep getting lost at sea.

The Pirate and the alphabet Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet? Because they spend years at sea.

How do pirates cover their booty? With plunderwear.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

The Pirate A man walks into a bar and finds a pirate seated at the bar. The man takes a seat next to the pirate and notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man strikes up a conversation with the pirate and eventually works up the courage to ask him about his deformities. "I'm terribly sorry if this is too personal, but how did you come to get your peg leg?" The pirate shifted in his seat he looked back at the man and said, "Aye. 'Tis no trouble, lad. Lost me leg from cannon fire during a ship fight!" Pressing further, the man asked, "Wow, that's incredible. And your hook? What's the story there?" "Ah. The hook! The hand went during a sword fight. Lost me hand, but got the booty!" Astonished, the man said, "You must have a crazy story for the eye patch then!" "Aye the eye. Lost it after a seagull crapped in me eye!" "You can lose your eye from seagull poop? I never knew!" "No no no. Twas the first day with me hook." Edit: Formatting.

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender: doesn't that bother you? Pirate: Yes

Pirate in a Bar A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?" "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that limb to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum." "That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said. "Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." " Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?" "Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate. "A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye, matey." Happy 80th to my mother-in-law, who has the coolest birthdate ever: 12/3/45.

A pirate goes to a doctor... A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? Arrr son!

What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis? Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.

What does a pirate from Boston say? Aaahhh.

How do you save a pirate's life? C P Arrr!

A pirate walks in a bar... A pirate walks in a bar with a paper towel on his head, the bartender says "whats with that" the Pirate says "ARR!! I have Bounty on me head"

A pirate ship is voyaging at sea. First mate: Captain there is an enemy ship on the horizon preparing for battle! Captain: Bring me my red shirt! The two ships got to battle and the enemy ship ends up being destroyed. First mate: Captain why did you ask me to bring you a red shirt before the battle? Captain: Well, if I were to get shot during battle, the red shirt would disguise the blood and you would continue with the battle. First mate: Wow, that is very honorable. Captain there are 20 enemy ships on the horizon! Captain: Bring me my brown pants!