50+ Pilot Jokes

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board... She decides to report it to the pilot immediately. "Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!" The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

Trump and Musk are on a plane. Trump says to Elon, "I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make 1 person happy, tremendous happiness, happiest ever!" Musk replies "I could drop 100 $1 notes to the ground and make 100 people happy!" The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!"

The trump family is flying from New York to DC Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?" So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?" EDIT: Thank you for the gold!!

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp? I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

I am Pierre Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

What's the difference between a Taliban fighter and an Iraqi child? How the fuck should I know? I'm a drone pilot.

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!' EDIT1: I made it to the front page and my Karma has been destroyed :) EDIT2: You guys can click on my post history and downvote all of my comments for a more efficient way to get back at me, I wanna see if I can get my Karma to 0. Thanks in advance

I dont want to see any 9-11 jokes tomorrow It affected me personally, my dad was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia

Blonde boards a airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

Ten dollars is ten dollars. Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars." edit--format

Are you a real pilot? An old Marine Pilot sat down in a Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flightjacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "are you a real pilot"? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... Flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

"Attention passengers, I would like to remind you that, thanks to post 9/11 regulations, the cockpit door is bulletproof and nearly indestructable." "However, the co-pilot did not prove to be nearly as indestructable and you all have my whore of a wife to thank for your untimely deaths."

I’m not allowed to break the rules? Ok then… This happened to me a while back, but just came back to me. I used to work for an armoured car company. Something I did for a few years when I was in university and waiting for a position in what would be my future career. It was good money, and lots of people did it as their full time jobs, but I wanted more out of life than a mindless job. Because I was classified as “part-time”, I did not have a set shift, I mostly covered for people when they were sick, took vacation, worked unscheduled shifts, or worked shifts created specifically for part timers. All in all I was working full time hours almost every week. Most of the full timers loved working with me. The way the company worked, you were set for a 13 hour shift, however if you managed to complete your run is less than that, you’d still get paid the full shift. I was young, moved fast, and didn’t care about breaks if it meant I could get paid for 3-4 hours to sit at home instead of working. So whenever I took over for someone older, who was just on autopilot, I could get their coworker home in a fraction of the time. One of the full time workers, a real Karen, let’s call him Kyle was just the worst. For some reason he took it upon himself to tattle on people for anything that he didn’t like. If someone weren’t wearing their collared shirt under their sweater, run to tell management (FYI working in the summer heat in a literal metal box wearing a bulletproof vest makes you want to shed layers), someone wearing black instead of blue pants… tells management, someone wearing a company hat that has the company logo but is not “official uniform”… tells management. No one in the company liked Kyle. Well one week Kyle’s coworker has taken vacation, and my boss schedules me to replace him. The run is pretty easy, it’s commercial day shift, so 90% of the stops are retail stores with less than a few hundred bucks in cash. Because of the amount of money, no one has ever had a problem with one person jumping out and running in, grabbing the money and coming back while the second person (usually the driver) stays with the truck. In this shift, I was the driver, so that’s what I did. When Kyle was in the store, I would just navigate my phone, look at the people in the area, make sure there were no threats, make sure I wasn’t parked in anyone’s way, mostly wasting time. Well one stop, Kyle came back and I was just finishing up writing an email. Apparently Kyle wasn’t too happy with me taking a few extra seconds to start going, to unbeknownst to me, me took a picture of me behind the wheel on my phone. I had no idea until the next shift came the next day where management came to talk to me about “texting and driving”. I told them I had no idea what they were talking about, and my manager just said that he had proof I was doing it and if I did it again, I would be written up. I went to talk to another coworker who is also the union rep to figure out what the hell was going on, and he told me Kyle took a picture of me yesterday and complained that I was doing it. I was pissed. Cue malicious compliance. My shifts with Kyle were 3 13 hour shifts, Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday. Well today was now Thursday, our last shift of this run, and this shift was not retail pickups, it was the run that takes all the money collected from the previous week and brings it to our provincial depot about 400km away. The entire run only has about 30 mins of “work” and about 9 hours of driving. If you did the math, this is one of those runs where if you get it done quickly, if traffic is on your side, you can get paid for a lot of unworked time, it was also the last shift of the week, which meant a long gorgeous weekend in the middle of summer as soon as we were done. Well I was going to make sure this shift lasted as long as possible. If he didn’t want me to break any rules, I’d make sure I obliged. I drove EXACTLY the speed limit the… entire…. way. I even stopped for our 1 hour lunch break, which is given to us, but I had not witnessed anyone take in the years I’d been here because of the rules we had about pay. If fact we were so behind, we reached the major city our depot was located in right at rush hour, something our early start time was designed to prevent. All in all, what should have taken about 9 hours to do, ended up taking 14. An extra 5 hours where he just had to sit there and watch me in silence. To make things sweeter, a few times during the shift he had to call his wife and let he know he wouldn’t be home early enough to go to the cottage and they would have to leave the next day instead. I heard from other workers how furious he was and how I’d ruined his plans for the weekend, and all I could do was smile. To clarify: Where I live, going 15-20km/h above the speed limit is standard. Going to speed limit will just get someone smashing into your rear bumper. Also, our trucks have a max speed of 105km/h, and m

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? "Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

A fresh co-pilot is flying with a seasoned airline captain. The captain says to the co-pilot, "I want to test how well you know the airplane." "I am going to go to the lavatory for a #2", says the captain. "When I come back, tell me whether the airplane gets lighter as I relieve myself." The captain went to do his business, and when he comes back, he asks the co-pilot: "Well, son, is the aircraft any lighter now"? The co-pilot eagerly answers, wanting to impress the captain: "No, sir, our aircraft does not release lavatory waste when in flight. It is securely stored in the onboard septic tank until the airplane lands and it is flushed by the maintenance crew. Therefore, as a closed system, the weight of the aircraft remained the same before and after you relieved yourself." "All you think about is shit, son!", says the captain. "The airplane is lighter now because I was away for 15 minutes and we used up two hundred gallons of jet fuel during this time!"

If you read this line, we are reaching out to you, with your one and only chance to leave the Simulation. If you want to leave, just clap your hands thrice and you will awake in your real body, while your current avatar will be piloted by an AI construct with your memories in order to maintain simulation integrity.

Donald Trump is flying over New York City He looks out of the window and says to his family, "You know what, I'm gonna throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy!" His son looks at him and says, "Dad, why don't you throw two hundred $5 bills out of the window? Then you can make two hundred people happy." Donald says, "Son, that's a great idea!" His wife turns to him and says, "Donald, why not throw one thousand $1 bills out the window? You could make one thousand people happy!" Donald looks at her and says, "Babe, that is a fantastic idea! The best I've heard!" The pilot turns and looks at Trump and says, "As long as you're at it, why don't you throw yourself out of the window and make millions of people happy?"

Tell me I have no choice, and I will comply. This wasn't me, but my dad. Back in the day, my dad was a helicopter pilot in the Army. On one deployment they flew out to the National Training Center (NTC) in California. A troop had apparently arrived a day or two before my dad's and they had a mission where they had to pick up a squad or platoon of infantrymen and drop them at coordinates x. However, as anyone who has ever used an old military topographical map knows, they were not updated frequently, so when they arrived at the prescribed coordinates, they found that the location marked on the map as an open clearing was overgrown with trees. So, not wanting to test the durability of their rotors against tree trunks and branches, they did what any sane person would do and they dropped them at the nearest open spot they could find. As a result, the unit was late making a rendezvous at the prescribed time. So when my dad got the the airfield, and after landing, his troop was taken to a meeting room where, for 45 minutes, they got their asses chewed about putting people where they are told to put them. The pilots tried to explain the situation, but their logic fell on deaf ears. They were told, in no uncertain terms, that when you are given grid coordinates, you put them down there, period. End of story. Well, it would have been if my dad was not assigned the very next training mission. So, being the obedient pilot that he was, when he picked up his guys, he made absolutely sure that he had the correct coordinates. He verified with the platoon leader 3 times before proceeding to take off and place them at EXACTLY the location he had been told and verified. After dropping them off, they were to go on a training flight, but 5 minutes in they were ordered to return to base. Upon arriving back at base, his commander demanded that my dad show him where he put the guys down. He pointed to a location on the map that was well outside the training area. The commander asked why he put them there, so he reminded the major about the 45 minute ass chewing they had just gotten about having ZERO say in where to put them and that he was simply following the orders exactly as given. Not much he could say after that.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot said "No problem my wife is blonde I can handle this" The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the first class wasn't going to New York. "

That damn pilot was right ..

A famous physicist, an old man, and a boy scout are taking a tourist flight in a small plane. After they reach cruising altitude, the pilot suddenly has a heart attack. His last words before he dies are, "There are two parachutes over there ... good luck." Before they can even talk about how they will divide just two parachutes between the three of them, the physicist grabs hold of the straps of the package next to him, says "The world needs smart people like me", and jumps out of the plane. Shocked, the old man says "Well lad, I've had my time, you take the other parachute." "We'll be okay," says the boy scout, "Mr Genius just jumped out with my rucksack."

Pierre the fighter pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom. "Pierre, what are you doing" she says. "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!!!"

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? A considerable amount actually. Please don't begin reading this at work. There is a lot of material here and reading through it will take you a bit of time. If your boss catches you it could get you in trouble, as it's hard to imagine that this won't be a distraction from you job. Besides the reading factor alone however, there is a substantive amount to contrast between each individual, and much to meditate on. These differences extend beyond merely career, education, upbringing, etc and broach upon the very Weltanschauung of these men. If you operate heavy machinery, you may find yourself distracted when pondering said differences somewhat extensively, and this could be diverting enough to actually put you in danger if your mind begins to wander at work. Please for your own safety, leave this thread until you get home. It's an absorbing topic, but your wellbeing is of higher priority. A basic cursory outlook at the mini bios of these two immediately presents us with 187 distinct differences, however, these may be simply "cosmetic" so to speak, and appear as the same differences that either individual would have with any other person. I believe upon further investigation and inquiry, many more will become apparent. From Armstrong's Wikipedia: For other people named Neil Armstrong, see Neil Armstrong (disambiguation). Neil Alden Armstrong (August 5, 1930 – August 25, 2012) was an American astronaut, engineer, and the first person to walk on the Moon. He was also an aerospace engineer, naval aviator, test pilot, and university professor. Before becoming an astronaut, Armstrong was an officer in the U.S. Navy and served in the Korean War. After the war, he earned his bachelor's degree at Purdue University and served as a test pilot at the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) High-Speed Flight Station, where he logged over 900 flights. He later completed graduate studies at the University of Southern California. USAF / NASA astronaut Born Neil Alden Armstrong August 5, 1930 Near Wapakoneta, Ohio, U.S. Died August 25, 2012 (aged 82) Cincinnati, Ohio, U.S. Previous occupation Naval aviator, test pilot Alma mater Purdue University, B.S. 1955 University of Southern California, M.S. 1970 Rank Lieutenant (junior grade), United States Navy Time in space 8 days, 14 hours, 12 minutes, and 30 seconds Selection 1958 USAF Man In Space Soonest 1960 USAF Dyna-Soar 1962 NASA Group 2 Total EVAs 1 Total EVA time 2 hours 31 minutes Missions Gemini 8, Apollo 11 Mission insignia Ge08Patch orig.png Apollo 11 insignia.png Awards United States Naval Aviator/Astronaut Insignia NASA Civilian Astronaut Wings Presidential Medal of Freedom Congressional Space Medal of Honor A participant in the U.S. Air Force's Man in Space Soonest and X-20 Dyna-Soar human spaceflight programs, Armstrong joined the NASA Astronaut Corps in 1962. He made his first space flight as command pilot of Gemini 8 in March 1966, becoming NASA's first civilian astronaut to fly in space. He performed the first docking of two spacecraft, with pilot David Scott. This mission was aborted after Armstrong used some of his reentry control fuel to prevent a dangerous spin caused by a stuck thruster, in the first in-flight space emergency. Armstrong's second and last spaceflight was as commander of Apollo 11, the first manned Moon landing mission in July 1969. Armstrong and Lunar Module pilot Buzz Aldrin descended to the lunar surface and spent two and a half hours outside the spacecraft, while Michael Collins remained in lunar orbit in the Command/Service Module. Along with Collins and Aldrin, Armstrong was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Richard Nixon. President Jimmy Carter presented Armstrong the Congressional Space Medal of Honor in 1978. Armstrong and his former crewmates received the Congressional Gold Medal in 2009. Armstrong died in Cincinnati, Ohio on August 25, 2012, at the age of 82, after complications from coronary artery bypass surgery. Armstrong was born on August 5, 1930 near Wapakoneta, Ohio, the son of Stephen Koenig Armstrong and Viola Louise Engel. He was of German, Irish, and Scottish ancestry, and had a younger sister, June, and a younger brother, Dean. His father worked as an auditor for the Ohio state government; the family moved around the state repeatedly after Armstrong's birth, living in 20 towns. Armstrong's love for flying grew during this time, having gotten off to an early start when his father took his two-year-old son to the Cleveland Air Races. When he was five, he experienced his first airplane flight in Warren, Ohio on July 20, 1936 when he and his father took a ride in a Ford Trimotor, also known as the "Tin Goose". His father's last move was in 1944, back to Wapakoneta. Armstrong attended Blume High School and took flying lessons at the grassy Wapakoneta airfield. He earned a student flight certificate on his 16th birthda

Why can't Ben Shapiro fly a plane? He doesn't have a pilot's license.

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11... He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face. The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved." The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead." The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me." The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool? Don't believe me? Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!

Two guys go moose hunting..... A bush-pilot drops Bob and Ted, two moose hunters, at a remote lake in Northern Ontario. He tells them that he’ll be back in a week, and warns them that his plane won’t be able to take off with more than one moose. The next week he returns, and sure enough the hunters have bagged two moose. The pilot tells them there’s no way they can take off with the two moose. Ted says, “I don’t know, the pilot last year took off with two moose.” To which Bob adds, “Yeah, but maybe he wasn’t a total pussy!” Not wanting to be outdone, the pilot loads up everything and they start to move down the lake. The plane is gathering speed, but the pines on the shore are rapidly approaching. Finally the plane gets airborne, but one wing clips the top of a tree. The plane spins, crashes into the trees, and breaks apart. Sometime later Ted regains consciousness and begins searching for his buddy. He finds him, and when he wakes him up Bob asks, “Do you have any idea where we are?” Ted replies, “I think about 200 yards further than last year.”

BLIND PILOTS An airliner is fully boarded and ready to push-off from the gate, when two blind pilots enter the main cabin. The pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Airplane passengers watch nervously As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.   The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.   "You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican are riding a plane... …when the plane's engines fail and it starts to go down. The pilot grabs one of the parachutes and jumps from the plane. The remaining passengers see that there is only one chute left, and quickly do the math. The Englishman stands up, straightens his tie, says "God save the Queen!" and jumps from the plane. The Frenchman, not wanting to be seen as less noble than the Englishman, says "Vive la France!" and jumps to his death. The Texan stands up, straightens his cowboy hat, says "Remember the Alamo!" and throws the Mexican out.

The blind pilots Passengers of a 747 begin settling in for their scheduled takeoff when two men in pilot uniforms stumble into the plane, one with a seeing eye dog and the other with a walking stick. The passengers think it's some sort of joke and think nothing of it, but the men carefully and methodically make their way to the cockpit. The passengers look at each other a little uneasy but say nothing. The plane starts down the runway ever-increasing in speed. The passengers see the end of the runway approaching and start to mumble to themselves. The plane doesn't pull up and the runaway end comes ever nearer. A couple passengers release muffled screams and begin to panic, but the plane continues to the end of the runaway. The passengers at this point begin a full-blown panic and scream loudly and right before they hit the trees at the end of the runway, the plane lifts off without a hitch just barely grazing the tops of the trees as it passes. Inside the cockpit, the blind copilot turns to the other and says, "That was close. You know one day they're not gonna scream and we're all gonna die."

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest... A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg. It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbour , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Per Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. Japanese do that'. 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....Doesn't matter to me: you're all alike!' The silence continues on until the co-pilot suddenly announces 'I no rike Jews anyway' . 'Oh yeah, and why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot. 'You're nuts' exclaims the captain, 'Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' , 'It was an iceberg!' 'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah to me...all bruddy same!!'

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

An American, a German, an Irishman and an Englishman are on a plane... The plane has four engines, and one of them fails unexpectedly. The pilot says the plane cannot support their weight, so one of them is going to have to jump. The American steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while later, another engine fails. This time, the German steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", and jumps. A while after that, another engine fails. This time the Irishman steps forward, says "I'm doing this for my country", grabs the Englishman and throws him out.

Pilot and Co-Pilot The pilot was Jewish, and the co-pilot was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese." The co-pilot replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? WHY is that?" The pilot said, "You guys bombed Pearl Harbor. THAT'S why I don't like Chinese!" The co-pilot said, "Nooooo, noooo ...Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That JAPANESE, not Chinese!" And the pilot answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're ALL ALIKE." Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the co-pilot said, "No like Jew." The pilot replied, "Why not? WHY don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic" said the co-pilot. The pilot tried to correct him, "NO, NO!! The JEWS didn't sink the Titanic. It was an ICEBERG!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. ALL SAME!"

So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking.. We've just shot the pilot.

What an answer A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hi, where am I?" The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane." The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen... The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen. The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight." After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes back of the intercom and says "We've decided to bump all the master craftsmen from this flight to the next, please grab your carry-ons and head back to the gate." The pilot stands next to the door apologizing to the master craftsmen as they disembark. One craftsman says to the pilot "I have to ask, why did you decide to bump us? We didn't commit any crimes, they are the ones who should have to wait longer!" The pilot looks at the craftsman and says "We talked it over and found that the Pros outweighed the Cons."

4 friends (Ladies) meet 30 years after school at reunion..... One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet. No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle. No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar. The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. " Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good. " Last week on his birthday he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." . All the 3 Ladies fainted ....

Fighter pilot Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!" ;)

Books Never Written Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy! *Take A Breather* by Justin Hale *How to Become Famous* by Anonymous *Living Long* by Diane Perish *How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank *I'm So Greedy* by Jenna Russ *How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic *How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day *Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti *Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat *Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye *Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net *Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover *The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum *Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott *The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe *Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane

Little Kevin A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson... "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Kevin's whore."

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off... "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!" A ghostly silence reigned. He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!" One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"

The US pilot shared how he evaded capture after his plane was shot down. He said: “*Iran*”

The most unhinged airline-pilot intro I've ever heard Good morning folks and welcome aboard Delta flight 895 from Atlanta to Los Angeles, we will be taking off in just a few short moments as your fantastic cabin crew complete their last checks. If you look to your front-right, you will see the airport terminal you were just in. And if you look to your back-left, you will see a different terminal, where you accidentally were, just sixteen minutes ago. Happy to have you onboard! If I look to my right, I see my fantastic co-pilot Will, say hi to yourself Will! (...ksh uhhhh, say hi to myself? ksh...) and if Will turns around far enough to his right, he will actually be able to see you! By which I mean the people in our First-Class seats, and only when the door is open. Little known fact, the curtain in between First-Class and Delta-Plus is there to protect Will. If I look to my left, I will see my pet cat Toby, as I am working remotely this morning. Don't worry, I'll get to the plane this afternoon before we have to land.

A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane. The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down. Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!" Lawyer "Fuck the children!" Priest "Do you think there's time?"

First Class Blonde A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Wine Taster! At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot drunk and with a ragged dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please." "It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." "Absolutely correct. A third glass." "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it, "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

There was once a blonde woman. There was once a blonde woman on a plane to Detroit. She was in the economy class, but after takeoff, she saw an empty seat in first class and moved there. An attendant saw her and said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a ticket for economy class, not first. You cannot stay here." The blonde replied, "I can and I will." The attendant told the copilot, who came and talked to the woman. "Ma'am, we really can't have you staying in this seat, your ticket was for economy." "You can't make me move." The copilot told the captain, who tried to talk her out of the seat but it didn't work. Finally, a man who had heard what had been going on told the attendant to let him have a go at getting the woman out of the seat because he was married to a blonde too, so he knew how to deal with her. After a quick chat with her, she moved. The shocked attendant asked him how he did it. The man replied, "I told her first class wasn't going to Detroit."

How do you know? An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. “Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!” The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Remain calm!” He began his series of questions: Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me.” Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me.” Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?" Aircraft: “The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway.. A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with schreaching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway. "Phew, " says the pilot relieved. "That was the shortest landing I've ever made." The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: "And certainly on the widest runway I've every seen.."

(Hope its no re-post) So this pilot was talking to his co-pilot... and he says, "man i could really use a blowjob and a coffee." Little did he know, he had his hand on the intercom, blasting his statement out to the whole plane. The flight attendants all exchanged looks before one of them started running up to the front of the plane to tell the pilot to let go of the button. On her way there a passenger shouts to her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

Fright flight! After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the flight attendant announces over the intercom that, "We're just waiting for the pilots." The passengers look out the windows, and see two men, dressed in pilot's uniforms, walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins its takeoff. As passengers look out the window, they realize they are nearing the end of the runway!! The entire passenger cabin begins screaming, but the plane lifts off, just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says, "You know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

A young blonde... ...pilot is in her first flying lesson in a 2 seater plane. Her instructor all of a sudden get a heart attack and dies. "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!" She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I have had a lot of experiences with this kind of problems. Now just take a deep breathe. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position." The blonde replies, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat." (After a long pause) "O.K." says the the voice in the radio....."Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."

A blonde, a priest, a pilot and a student on a crashing plane A blonde woman, a priest, a pilot, and a high schooler are all on a crashing plane. There are only enough parachutes to save three of them, and the pilot is the first to jump out. He grabs a parachute and says, "I'm a pilot! People need me to fly planes!" and then jumps out. The blonde is next to jump out. She grabs a parachute and says, "My hair won't look pretty if I'm dead!" and then jumps out. The priest then says to the high schooler, "Son, I've lived my life to its fullest and I am surely ready to join God in heaven." The high schooler then hands a parachute to the priest and puts another parachute on himself. The priest is shocked and asks the high schooler, "Oh Lord! Where did you find this extra parachute?" The high schooler replies, "The blonde lady took my backpack!"

Priest and Pilot A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?' The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? 'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.

Moose Hunt Two Moose hunters named Stosh and Thad hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected, saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load, and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

A priest, an Army Man, and a Teacher A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade. The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!" The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!" The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?" The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa farted, and the house behind him blew up!"

Two pilots A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!" "No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike." There's a few minutes of silence.... "I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces. "Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot. "What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Gilberg, nomattah...all same."

Two pilots are landing a plane. Two pilots are preparing to land and they're coming in hot. The wheels touch the tarmac and before you know it they're off the other end. 100mph through the grass, the fence and they smash through the gates. Glass and bags go everywhere. When they finally come to a stop the pilot looks at his co-pilot and says "That was the shortest runway I've ever seen!" The co-pilot says" Yeah, but wasn't it wide!

Pilot Choice As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

The moral of the story The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........ She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" ...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Finding a job is difficult... I started at the orange juice factory but couldn't concentrate, Being a tailor just didn't suit me, I couldn't cut it as a barber, I didn't have the foundations to be an architect, I just didn't have enough patients to be a doctor, I felt soleless in the shoe factory, I couldn't hack it as a lumberjack, I couldn't keep my eye on the job as an optician, Being an electrician was shocking, Sewage maintenance was just draining, I just wasn't taking off as a pilot, My spell as a wizard didn't work, Working at a coffee shop was too much of a grind, I didn't make the grade as a teacher, I didn't have the thyme to be a chef, My career as a comedian was a joke, I couldn't see a future being a historian, And now I'm an archaeologist and my future lies in ruins!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle... A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Air Force and the wife Air Force and the Wife... You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51? Well, late one afternoon, the Airmen out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Airmen started a full background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Airmen, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All of the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee!"

What do you call an aircraft piloted by an all female flight crew An unmanned aircraft. Stolen from [here](https://np.reddit.com/r/flying/comments/2mntbj/my_wifes_first_flight_as_captain/cm6ahb4)

a joke from the war a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp. The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it! The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"

If a female fighter pilot shoots down a lot of enemy airplanes, she might plausibly be called a heroine. But if she shoots up a lot of heroin, she will probably not be called an enemy airplane.

Pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off....... "Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers: "Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning" A ghostly Silence reigned! He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers: "I sincerely apologise for the incident but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants." One passenger replies - "Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS"!

Joke of the Day! In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

A lawyer, a priest and a teacher with his students are on a plane as it begins to fall to the ground... ... the pilot comes over the intercom and says that there are only three parachutes on board. The priest, lawyer and teacher must decide who gets a parachute. Immediately the lawyer grabs a parachute and says "I'm more important than any of you so I get a parachute." The teacher angrily yells "But what about the children?" The lawyer replies "Fuck the children." The priest looks around and says "But is there time?"

A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane. The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey. Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark. Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*. When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face. The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead." The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it." The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

And the moral of the story is . . . The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" 'Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?" "Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Two guys are in a helicopter. During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of paper, writes "WHERE ARE WE?" in huge letters on it, and holds it up for the officeworker to read. The officeworker grabs a sheet of paper off his desk, scribbles quickly, and holds up his response: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." "Okay, no problem," says the pilot. "I know where we are. We're over the local college and that's the engineering school." "How do you know that?" asks the copilot. "Because," says the pilot, "the answer he gave us was technically correct but completely useless."

An American, A Canadian and a Boy scout are on a plane. The plane hits turbulence and is about to crash. the pilot comes out and says "The plane is going down. Everyone for himself!" grabs one of the remaining 3 parachutes and jumps out. The American says. "We're number 1 so i get to live" hastily grabs 1 of the 2 remaining chutes and jumps out. The Canadian looks at the boyscout and says "Im sorry things have to end this way... who gets the last parachute?" The boyscout replies "oh dont worry, the American grabbed my backpack"

Polish Hunters Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A blonde gets on an airplane A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

The flight got a little rough there... So we're flying home, and about an hour out from our destination the pilot comes on the intercom and gives us the usual - the temperature at our airport, how we're twenty minutes ahead of schedule, if you look at the window you can see this feature of the landscape, etc. Then he adds, "... and folks, the flight looks pretty smooth from here on out, except for a little patch of turbulence just ahead but we should be... HOLY SHIT! - " At that moment the plane suddenly dived from an air pocket. Then the turbulence was *really* bad for a while. The pilot never turned his microphone off and you could hear the whole thing over the intercom: "JESUS HOLY - hold on hold on hold - OH CRAP! Pulling up PULL UP GODDAM IT!!..." Needless to say, it was all quite exciting and went on like this for a good while. But eventually they got it under control, the plane leveled and we passed out of the turbulence. We could still hear the pilot though: "Phew - that was something! I could really use a beer and a blow job right now!" Right away the stewardess *runs* forward, heading into the cockpit. At that point a passenger yells out: "Don't forget the beer!"

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man... Are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challange, "if you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand" the Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window "we are in Dundee" he guessed, the pilot shakes his head. Then the Irish man trys "we are in Dublin" he guesses, again the pilot shakes his head, then the English man steps up, "we are in Liverpool" he says, shocked the pilot answers "Yes! Thats right, but how did you know?" The English man replies "because my watch has been stolen"

Polish Moose Hunt Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose. The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both. And he had exactly the same airplane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?" Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles... ...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laughs are heard as the cockpit door closes. It must be a joke-- after all, two blind pilots would never be allowed to fly an airliner. The plane taxis to the runway and accelerates to take-off speed. It starts to seem as though the plane is taking a little longer than usual to nose up, and some passengers begin to fidget nervously. More seconds tick by and the plane is still zooming along on the ground, and *all* the passengers are nervous. Finally, the plane nears the end of the runway, and every passenger screams in terror, unable to contain themselves. The plane suddenly jerks upward and clears the runway just in time. A sigh of relief passes over the whole cabin. A few laughs are heard. It was part of the joke all along! Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the captain and first officer are setting their course. The first officer turns to the captain and says "You know Earl, I hate to say this, but one day they aren't gonna scream, and we're not gonna know when to take off."

HELISOFT A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot

A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash. The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up." The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect. The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three of you must make a sacrifice. May God have mercy on your souls." The Japanese man decides to jump out first and shouts "Tenno haika banzai! (Long live the Emperor)". The Englishman in all his dignity closes his eyes, jumps down and shouts "God save the Queen!". The American quickly gets up, throws the Mexican off the plane and yells "Remember the Alamo!"

An airplane is going down... ... so the pilot gets on the intercom and says "we have too much weight, we are going to have to throw off everybody's luggage." But, afterwards they are still going down... So, the pilot says "Alright, I'm sorry to inform you that we are going to have to start throwing people off of the plane, we'll go in A, B, C order..." "Africans, any Africans?" Nobody stands up. "Okay, black people, any black people?" Nobody stands up. "Colored people, any colored?" Still nobody. So, a little black boy looks at his mom and says, "Mom, aren't we African, black, and colored?" "No, son, today we are niggers." She tells him. The little black boy turns to a Mexican boy and says "Haha, you are getting thrown off before us!" The Mexican boy looks at him and says "Not today, nigger, today we're wetbacks!"

Why don't Malaysian TV shows get commissioned? Because they all have terrible pilots.

NBC is contemplating a new TV series titled "Airline Tragedies." They are putting the pilot together right now.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . .. And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Kevin¹s hooker."

Blonde Co-Pilot This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

Ole and Sven are flying a plane over northern Minnesota Ole is the pilot, and they are approaching their destination. Sven looks out the window and sees the runway in the distance. He notices the runway looks rather short and says, "Y'know, Ole, dat looks like a really short runway." Ole replies, "Oh, don't worry. Dis is a small plane after all. Dere's plenty of space for us to land." As they get closer, Sven sees that the runway is indeed very short, and he says, "Ole, I don't know bout dis, it looks like dat runway is too short." Ole says, "Ok, I'll press da brakes as hard as I can when we come down, how bout dat?" But Sven isn't reassured very much. At this point, he can see that the runway is almost certainly too short for them to land. He says, "Ole! Dis runway is way too short. we're gonna crash!" Ole says, "Oh shut up. I'll just put de plane in reverse as soon as we land, that'll do it." So, the plane touches down, and despite Ole's best efforts, they do go off the runway and into the fence. The plane flips over a few times and is heavily damaged, but luckily both Ole and Sven are relatively unharmed. The two climb out of the wreckage, and Sven says, "You see, I was right! Dis runway was too short!" Ole looks up and down the runway, and then he says, "Aye, it was really short. But look at how *wide* it is!"

NASA CHICKEN CANON NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl. British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers. When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design. The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

(Risque) Tragedy of the world's unluckiest man: Turkish joke Once upon a time, there was an unlucky, unlucky man. Wherever he went, his infamous fortune was sure to follow. And on top of that, he had a single lonely testicle. One day, as the unlucky man was flying transatlantic, his plane began to stall. The pilots decided that someone must be thrown off for the plane to keep flying. They all drew straws. The man got the black one. Protesting, "This is unfair! This must be repeated!", he said before he drew the black straw again. After this process was repeated multiple times with the same results, the man proposed desperately: "Ok, I will jump off on one condition. You guess correctly the sum of the testicles I and the guy opposite of me possess and I'll do it. Everyone laughed. "You must be kidding, it's four", they all said, joyful that this hassle was about to end. Then the man smiled and said "Joke's on you!", proceeding to whoop out his one ball. Right in time before the other man whooped out his three balls. PS. Because the languages are incredibly different, telling this joke meant I had to arrange the delivery all by myself. I would appreciate it if you could critique how good the delivery of the joke was, even if you found it unfunny :)

Johny the Fighter Pilot A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Johnny’s Prostitute."

The French Fighter Pilot Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's Lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Pierre stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"