50+ Parrot Jokes

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'" "That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!" **EDIT: Thanks a lot to** u/Green_Justice710 **and the 5 anonymous redittors who have awarded me for this... thank you! I'm glad I could make you guys laugh!!** **EDIT 2: Thanks also to** u/darknep u/JMetcalf3 **and 5 other anonymous posters... you're too kind!! Thank you!** **EDIT 3: Just spent the last hour reading up on all the comments and appreciation... this thing really blew up, huh??? Well, you know what that means right?? More Edits, lol... thanks to u**[**/BlackBeard\_727**](https://www.reddit.com/user/BlackBeard_727) **u**[**/Hirsty\_92**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Hirsty_92) **u**[**/Cparman9**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Cparman9) **u/**[**WeHaSaulFan**](https://www.reddit.com/user/WeHaSaulFan) **u**[**/Serg2778**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Serg2778) **u/**[**Official\_Vsauce**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Official_Vsauce) **u**[**/Jocombs**](https://www.reddit.com/user/Jocombs) **u/**[**throwRAnoitsmydog**](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwRAnoitsmydog) **u**[**/walmartlifer**](https://www.reddit.com/user/walmartlifer) **u/**[**GregHawkwind**](https://www.reddit.com/user/GregHawkwind) **u/**[**OneBraveBunny**](https://www.reddit.com/user/OneBraveBunny) **u**[**/reddit\_guy88**](https://www.reddit.com/u/reddit_guy88) **u/**[**PolarJumper**](https://www.reddit.com/user/PolarJumper) **u/**[**NetworkMick**](https://www.reddit.com/user/NetworkMick) **and the multiple anonymous redditors as well. Glad I could tickle your funny bones!! (;**

A lady walks into a pet store... She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."

A woman goes to buy a parrot and notices the prices are $100, $200, and $15. Curious, she asks why the last one is so cheap. The shopkeeper replies, "That one used to live in a brothel." Amused, she decides to buy it for $15. When she brings the parrot home, it immediately says, "Well, I'll be damned, a new brothel!" The woman can't help but laugh. Later, when her daughters arrive home, the parrot chirps, "Well, look at that, two new ladies of the night!" The girls burst into laughter too. But when the dad walks in, the parrot exclaims, "Well, I'll be damned, Pete! Long time no see!"

A black man and a parrot walk into a bar “Where did you get it from?” asked the bartender “From africa” said the parrot

A woman Goes to buy parrot…the prices are $100 , $200 and $15…she asks why the last one is cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

A woman goes to buy a parrot from the bird store The store keeper shows her parrots for 200$. 100$ and 10$ She asked why the last one was so cheap and he said it used to live in a brothel She took the parrot home and he screamed " oh shit! New brothel" she laughed Her daughter came home and the parrot screamed " oh shit! New prozzies" the girl laughed Then the husband got home and the parrot went "fuck me! Pete! Haven't seen you in weeks"

I won my first cage fight last night... Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.

I have bad news and good news. Yesterday, my obese parrot passed away. The good news is that it’s a lot of weight off my shoulders.

A burglar broke into a home... He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued his search. Again "Jesus is watching you" He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said, "Yes". He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said Moses. The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said "The same kind of people who would name their Pit Bull Jesus". e: to the people writing that it's an old joke....I don't give a shit.

Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer. They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift. Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks." "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."  "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’” “The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler ‘Jesus.’

You want these ads done 3 months in advance? No problem, boss. Long-time lurker, but I finally have something to share that’s happened within the last few months. I work as a senior graphic designer for a company for 5 years now. Originally it was only a team of 3: a marketing manager, a marketing executive, and myself. The former two have since quit, and you’ll find out later why. A huge part of my job is to handle a huge advertising schedule in a project management system (PMS) for which I design print/ digital ads for. Enter, my difficult micromanaging manager. He’s the VP of Sales and Marketing who’s been with the company for 30+ years. His way of quality control is to force all our marketing materials to go through an “approval process” in our PMS in which everyone else has to give their feedback and only then will my manager will give the final sign off once it reaches him. On top of that he insists on being copied on every notification for every single step of the way. So every single ad I produced had to be sent through our PMS while tagging the product managers and proofreaders. Those individuals would then comment feedback for changes needed, or if the ad is approved, they’d mark it complete and then send it along to the next person. It would end with this micromanaging manager, who’d have the final say on whether it’s good to be sent out or not. Sometimes the process would be flawless as everyone would approve it the first time with no changes needed. But when it got to my manager, he’d reject it and I’d have to do it over pending his remarks. The thing with our PMS is that you can see timestamps of when people viewed updates. He’s on our project board so he gets all the updates, and he could’ve easily interceded earlier and let me know if changes were needed to pass his check so I’d not waste my time. But because of the way he is, he only wants to see the final drafts after everyone else sees them. Everyone else always seems to move things along in a timely fashion, but when it finally gets to my manager he'd just let it sit and then you'd have to constantly check to see if he marked it off. When I pushed back and stated how arduous this all is, his tone-deaf reply was to “have it done 3 months in advance.” He also insisted that the ads I produced have to look different each time for each publication’s insertion order. So after 4 years of handling all this by myself, I was barely meeting deadlines, and the quality of my work started slipping as I was making really stupid mistakes. Every few months I would ask my manager if we’re going to hire an additional designer for our department since we’re doing more marketing, and every year I’d hear, “It’s not in our budget right now.” Things came to a head during one of my biannual reviews, where I told my manager bluntly, in front of HR, that we desperately needed to hire an additional designer, as there was no way for me to hit the “3 months ahead” goal that he keeps parroting. He actually asked me, and I quote, “Is it typical for companies to have more than one graphic designer?” I’m dead serious. I showed how I handled everything by myself as best as I could at that point, and I was getting burnt out. For those that may ask why I stay, they compensate me VERY well without having to commute into a major metropolitan city. A golden handcuffs situation, if you will. By the end of the meeting, my manager finally caved and gave me permission to hire an additional designer who started with us this past January. While showing him the ropes on our design systems, he told me the manager said something snarky to him along the lines of, **“I never imagined having to hire TWO designers. You guys should have no problem being 3 months ahead on ads now.”** Are you kidding me? Over the years, I watched my manager as he hired a plethora of account executives and replacements for our department, most of whom quit within months under his watch, but he’s going to give me crap for needing ONE designer after I made things work for 4 years by myself? I was so infuriated by his comments that I decided: **He wants ads done 3 months in advance? Okay, bet!** I trained the new designer on our approach to the advertising schedule in the PMS and the ins and outs of the approval process, and we went to work. We both proceeded to BURY my manager in notifications as we churned out ad after ad after ad, pushing items through the pipeline with my manager receiving notifications on EVERY. SINGLE. UPDATE. When the tasks ended at him and we got no response, we set up automations to ping him every hour calling for his approval. We also would send detailed weekly reports stating our progress and also made it inherently clear to mention our goal was **“to be 3 months ahead of deadlines.”**  By this past May, in time for one of my biannual reviews, my manager made an announcement. He announced my coworker, the marketing assistant, would be promoted to the vacant marketing manager pos

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,... "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician simply performed the same tricks over and over again… There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting out in the middle of the show. “Look, it’s not the same hat!” “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” “Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean and, of course, the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

A magician worked on a cruise ship... .....the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot... They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"

The Captain's Parrot ** A friend of mine just sent me this one A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?

A woman went to a pet shop.. ..and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then said.. "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

Once there was a girl who always wore a green ribbon around her neck. There was a boy who liked her, and she, in turn, liked the boy. But he was curious. "Why do you wear that green ribbon around your neck?" he asked. "I cannot tell you" she said. "But why not?" the boy insisted. "It's not important" said the girl. The boy and the girl grew up, and were married. After the wedding the boy said "Now that we are married you must tell me about the green ribbon." But the girl said, "No, I will tell you when the time is right." And the boy sighed heavily. "What?" said the girl. "Nothing" the boy replied. "It's obviously not nothing" said the girl. "It's just that I feel like you don't communicate with me," said the boy. "Oh come on," said the girl, "Name three things I don't communicate about." "The green ribbon," said the boy, "other things I can't think of right now." "You always do this, you try to take one small thing and pretend like it's a recurring problem. Just because I don't talk about the green ribbon doesn't mean I 'don't communicate' in general," said the girl. "Don't turn this around on me. You're the one who's being weirdly secretive about the ribbon," said the boy. "What's the big deal? I just like it," said the girl. "You won't even take it off when we have sex," said the boy. "You're going to bring our sex life into it now?" said the girl. "I'm just saying I don't know what's going on in your head. Are you sensitive about the way your neck looks. Is it a body issue thing?" asked the boy. "Oh, fuck you. I'm PERFECTLY comfortable with my body, and I don't need you telling me I shouldn't be," said the girl. "That's not what I meant," said the boy. "Then why don't you say what you mean," said the girl. "I AM SAYING IT! I want to know why you wear that ribbon!" said the boy. "WHO CARES?! It's just a thing I do. It's a fun affectation," said the girl. The boy rolled his eyes. "What?" said the girl. "Nevermind. I'll tell you when the time is right," parroted the boy. "Fuck you," said the girl. "Fuck YOU! See how it feels?" "I don't want to do this," said the girl. "Fine by me," said the boy, "let's go to bed." "No," said the girl, "THIS. I don't think this is working out. I want a divorce." And then their marriage DIED BECAUSE OF MEANINGLESS BULLSHIT

THE BOSS One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

A black man walks into a bar... A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?" "Africa," replied the parrot.

Cheap Parrot Cheap Parrot A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing. When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Bob!"

A burglar breaks into a house at night, shining his flashlight around the living room looking for valuables, when he hears a voice say: "Jesus is watching you." He turns his flashlight off and freezes. After a couple minutes, nothing happens, so he turns the flashlight back on, and immediately hears: "Jesus is watching you." He whirls around and shines the flashlight towards the voice, and sees a parrot sitting in a cage in the corner. "Was that you?" he asks the parrot. "Yes", says the parrot. "But I'm telling you, Jesus is watching you." "Thanks for telling me”, chuckles the burglar, relaxing. “So what’s your name?" "Moses," replies the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughs, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" "The same kind that would name a Pit Bull Jesus."

Mom's birthday gifts 3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday. The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well." Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a penthouse apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in." Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!" 3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read: "To my 3 dear boys: Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new penthouse is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."

So a woman walks into a pet store... and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "I guess that's fine. I'll take him". So she brings the bird home and sets its cage up near the front door. When he knows what's going on he says, "new house, new madame!" The woman thinks to herself, "it came from a brothel, so I guess it's just learning". The woman's daughters get home from school and the bird says, "new house, new girls, new madame!". "It will just take time" she thinks. Then the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "hi Jeff!"

A man boards an airliner A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate. "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!" Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!" The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, “I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.” The man says, “Well, thank you. I forgive you.” The parrot then says, “If you don’t mind my asking, what did the chicken do?”

Jesus is watching you. = Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Jesus is watching you A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’ ‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks. One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic show. Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the magician in his act. The bird would say, "The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under his shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the Captain's he couldn't do anything about it. Late one night, the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes. Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left alive! As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around, what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log--his arch nemesis, the parrot! They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days and neither said a word, just glared. On the fourth day the parrot finally broke the silence and said, "Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

A magicians working on a cruise. A magician was working on a cruise ship. Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said "Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the man. The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer." The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!"

A Farmer buys a young Cock....... A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed. At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now. Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too. Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, half-dead & Vultures circling over it's head. Farmer Says: U Horny bastard u deserve this! The Cock opens 1 eye, says: Sshhh! Don't shout, let them land...!

A man buys a parrot... And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him. In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage. "I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

The Farmer's new cock. A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, geese and the lone parrot too. That evening, the farmer finds the cock lying out in the open field, pale, half-dead and vultures circling over its head. "You horny bastard! You deserve this." He tells the cock. The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, "Sshhhh! Don't shout.. Wait for them to land.."

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot... The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?" "Africa", says the parrot.

Catholic parrots. A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. "I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!" "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

A Burglar... A burglar breaks into a house when he hears "Jesus knows you are here." He shuts his flashlight off and looks around. When he finds nothing he proceeds to unhook the TV when he hears "Jesus can see you" He looks around the room with his flashlight to find a parrot in its cage. Burglar: So that was all you? Parrot: Yep Burglar: So whats your name? Parrot: Moses Burglar: Who in the hell names their parrot Moses? Moses: The same kind of people who name their Rottweiler Jesus. EDIT: Fixed formatting

A black guy with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Hey, that is really something. Where'd you get it?" "Africa," says the parrot.

Four Irishmen Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head straight to the bird section. Dermot nudges Pat and says, “Dat’s dem.” 🐦 The shop owner comes over. “Can I help ye?” Dermot says, “Yeah, we’ll take four o’ dem budgies up dere.” The owner boxes the birds, they pay, and off they go — driving to the top of Connor Pass. When they reach the edge of the 1,000-foot drop, Dermot says, “Dis looks like a grand place.” He puts a budgie on each shoulder… and jumps off the cliff. 🪂😳 The budgies fly away. Dermot doesn’t. He hits the bottom — stone dead. Pat shakes his head: “Fook dat. Dis budgie jumpin’ is too feckin’ dangerous.” BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE! Moments later, Seamus shows up with a cardboard box and a shotgun. “Watch dis, Pat!” He frees a parrot… then leaps off the cliff with the gun. Halfway down, he shoots the parrot, then continues plummeting until he smashes into the bottom. Pat sighs: “And I’m never tryin’ dat parrotshootin’ either…” STILL NOT DONE… Just as Pat’s recovering from losing two friends, Sean appears with a box… and a chicken. 🐔 Sean grabs the chicken by the legs and hurls himself off the cliff. Down he goes… until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Pat shakes his head once more: “Fook dat, lads. First Dermot with his budgie jumpin’… Den Seamus with his parrotshootin’… And now Sean and his feckin’ hen-glidin’!” 😂🪂🐔🤣

'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered"

Cheap parrot A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most family friendly of pets. Thinking this deal is too good to pass up, she buys it without hesitation. She gets home and places the parrot near the entrance. The parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madame!" The woman is startled by this but laughs it off. Later, her two teenage daughters get home, the parrot looks at them and remarks, "New house, new madame, new prostitutes!" The girls are shocked by this but after some explaining by the mom, they all laugh it off. The woman is delighted and eagerly awaits her husband so she can see what his reaction will be. The husband arrives moments later. The parrot looks at him and says,"Hello Keith!"

A black man walks into the doctors with a fancy parrot in his shoulder The doctor says "what a magnificent creature, where did you get that?" The parrot replies "Africa there's millions of them"

A magician was working on a cruise ship... A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean -- with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared. Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Guy goes into a pet store, looking to buy a parrot... All the parrots were pretty expensive, except one. He asks the owner of the shop why is this one so cheap? It was a beautiful one to boot! the shop owner explains the the bird has a really dirty mouth and wants to get rid of it. The guy thinks to himself that he can teach it to be polite and not to curse anymore so decides to buy the parrot. When he get home with his new pet, the parrot starts calling him foul names, and will not stop no matter what the man tries. finally sick of the damn thing, the the man snatches the parrot up and puts him in the freezer. The parrot continues to curse and yell at the man for a few minutes, but then sudden stopped. No noise or anything, so the man feels so bad thinking he killed his parrot, he rushed to the freezer and swung it open as fast as he could! When he opened it the parrot calmly steps out and says, "I'm so sorry for calling you horrible names and spewing profanities, I promise I will never do it again." Shocked, the man just stared at the parrot and before he could think of anything to say the parrot says, "Sir, if I may ask, what did the chicken do?" :D

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot.

David received a parrot for his birthday The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

Magic Trick A cruise ship hired a magician to entertain the passengers. Since the passengers changed every four or five days, the magician was able to perform the same tricks over and over. Unfortunately, the Captain of the ship had a parrot who sat around and watched the magician perform his tricks, over and over. Eventually, the parrot learned how the tricks were done and would interrupt the act. "It's in his sleeve," the parrot would say. "He switched balls." "It's in his pocket." Etc., etc. Naturally, the magician was quite disturbed by the parrot but could do nothing about it, since it belonged to the Captain. Unfortunately, the cruise ship had the misfortune of hitting an iceberg and sank to the bottom of the sea in a matter of minutes. As fate would have it, the magician and the parrot managed to grab hold of the same floating piece of furniture. For 3 days, neither said anything. The magician stared at the parrot and the parrot stared back. Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot cracked and said, "OK, I give up, where on Earth did you put the ship?"

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother." The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes and the driver is so rude." She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse.. A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet. As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter. Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter. Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. "Cool, where'd you get that?" says the bartender. "Africa", replies the parrot. "They're all over the place."

A Burglar Broke Into a House... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Joke Time:The Boss One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals? He got a woodpecker.

The phone rings... "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane?? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man???" "The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club." SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... "Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep trouble!!!"

2 parrots A woman tells her priest, “Father, I have a problem. My two female parrots only say, ‘Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?’ ” “Don’t worry,” says the priest. “I have two male parrots who only pray and read the Bible. We’ll put them in the same cage—your parrots are sure to stop saying that horrid phrase.” The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest’s home. The male parrots are inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. When the woman places the female parrots in the cage, they cry out, “Hi, cutie. Wanna have some fun?” One male says to the other, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it? The parrot says: Africa

What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. :^)

A black guy with a parrot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "wow! That is beautiful! Where did you get it?" The parrot responded, saying, "there are millions of them running around in Africa."

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

Bad Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

The Boss. One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one. The man asks, “How much is the yellow one?” The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. “This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.” “What about the green one?” the man asks. “He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.” “What about the red one?” the man asks. The assistant says, “That one’s $10,000.” Curious, the man asks, “What does he do?” The assistant says, “I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

Jesus is watching you. A burglar had been planning to rob a couple for awhile. He was sitting outside their house, knowing they would be leaving soon for vacation. They leave, and he enters the house. On the first floor, he's looking around and he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you. He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and continues to the next floor. On the next floor, he's looking around and hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you." He shines his flashlight around, doesn't see anything, and goes to the last floor. On the last floor, he's going through their stuff, and he hears the voice again. "Jesus is watching you, and he's not happy. He shines a flashlight around, and sees a parrot. "So you're the voice I've been hearing" "Yes, my name is Moses." "What kind of people name a parrot Moses?" asks the burglar. The parrot responds with "The same kind of people that name a rottweiler Jesus"

Pet-store parrots. A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a parrot, he sees 3 next to each other. He goes to the cashier and says, "How much for the first parrot on the left?" the cashier replies "2000$" " 2000$! What can it do for that price?" "It can write and take notes" the owner says. The man nods and asks the price of the second parrot, "5000$" What can that one do? The man asks again. "Oh that one can use the computer and send emails." The man nods again, "Ok how about the last one?" "The last one? 10,000$." The mans jaw drops. "What can that one do?" The pet store owner shrugs and says "I don't have a clue but the other two call him boss."

A black man enters a bar... with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender, all surprised and shocked, said; - That's cool! Where did you get that? - In Africa, replied the parrot.

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot. One day the woman was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.'' The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot damn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''

Jesus is always watching. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder ... approaching the bar, the bartender asks "What can I get for you?" Immediatedly the parrot squaks and says "Two Budweisers please and a round of drinks for the ladies at the end of the bar". Totally impressed, the bartender replies "Holy shit, thats amazing, where did you get it?" Again the parrot squaks and says "Africa.... they got millions of 'em there."

Jesus knows you are here. Jesus Knows you are here A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, Looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, He shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking For the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, His flashlight beam came to rest 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

A magician goes on a cruise... Every night he does tricks for the crew. Unfortunately there is a parrot that belongs to one of the crew members who always say how the tricks are done. This goes on for a few weeks and the two developed a hatred for each other. One night when he is doing a trick the ship unexpectedly sinks. The magician and the parrot survive by floating on a piece of driftwood. They float for a few weeks without talking. Then one day the parrot finally says "ok where the fuck did the ship go"?

A burglar broke into a house one night... He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’ ‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ ‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

2 men and their thirst for extreme! 2 men are standing on the ledge of a cliff... One man has a Budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot on his shoulder and a gun attached to his hip. The first man with the Budgie, jumps off the cliff and as he falls the Budgie immediately flies away. The man plunges to the ground, miraculously he survives but he is no doubt crippled. The second man with the Parrot and the gun, now jump off the cliff and as he falls the Parrot flies away but the man quickly pulls out his gun and shoots the Parrot with pinpoint accuracy. The second man then plunges to the ground and he too manages to survive but is crippled. The two men then begin to crawl toward each other and the first man says - "You know, I don't see what the big fuss is about this Budgie Jumping >(" - The second man says "I agree, this free fall Parrot shooting isn't all that its cracked up to be either >("

Prostitute Parrots A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Penitent Parrot A young man named Alan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Alan tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, Alan was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Alan shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Alan, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Alan quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Alan's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." Alan was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow. I also taught it to say, "Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

The nasty parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.” John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?” EDIT: John: Son of a b***h!

Is it racist if it's true? Read and answer. A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "hey that's neat where'd you find him?" The parrot replies "Africa, they're all over the place."

A couple is getting ready to go out for the evening... They call a cab, and finish getting ready to go. They cover their pet parrot's cage with a blanket and put the cat out the backdoor. Their cab pulls up outside. They're walking out the door when the cat slips in the door from around the back of the house. The wife continues on to the cab while the husband runs into the house after the cat, as it can't be left alone in the house with the parrot. The wife acknowledges the cab driver's inquiring look and, not wanting to reveal that the house would be empty for the evening, says "My husband just went back inside to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab, looking frustrated. "Sorry I took so long," he explained, sighing, "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out. She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her up in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

A burglar breaks into a house... He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses". "What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?" "The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"

The parrot A woman walks in to a pet shop, looking to buy a parrot. -We have a couple of parrots for sale, the shopkeeper says. -This one is 1000 bucks, he says, pointing ro a red parrot. -This one is 500, pointing to a yellow parrot. -Hmm, that's expensive, the woman says. -You don't have anything cheaper? -Oh, I almost forgot. We have one in the back. It's really beautfiful. The only drawback is that it used to live in a brothel. You can have it for 5 dollars. -Great, I'll take it. The woman brings the bird home. As soon as the bird is taken out of the cage it screams: - Fuck yea, new brothel! The woman laughs. Then her two daughters enter the room. The parrot screams again: - Fuck yea, new hookers! All three women laugh. Later on that day, her husband comes home, eager to see the new bird. And the parrot screams: - Frank, I haven't seen you for weeks!

A bunch of groan-worthy one-liners - Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. - Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive!" - Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Something's fishy about this." - Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, "Oh man, it's hot in here." The other shrieks, "OH MY GOD! A talking muffin!" - How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator? Open the door and shove him in. - How do you get two giraffes in a refrigerator? Open the door, move the first giraffe over and shove him in. - How do you get a rhinoceros in the refrigerator? Open the door, take out the two giraffes and shove him in. - What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. - What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. - What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on your doorstep? Matt. - What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the swimming pool? Bob. - What do you call a man with no arms or legs laying on the grill? Frank. - What do you call a woman with no arms or legs hanging on your door frame? Belle. - What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen. - Simba is calling together a meeting of all the animals at Pride Rock. As he's taking role, he notices that everyone is present except one. Who's missing? The rhinoceros, he's still stuck in the refrigerator.

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... and the bartender says: "hey where'd you get that? It looks exotic." And the parrot says: "Africa."

A lady walks into a pet store A lady walks into a pet store and immediately sees a parrot in a cage. The parrot sees the lady and starts talking to her; Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!" Lady: " What is it?" Parrot: "You're ugly." The lady gets offended and leaves the store. The next day the lady comes back to the same pet store and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the day before, starts talking to her. Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!" Lady: "What is it?" Parrot: "You're ugly." The lady becomes furious and decided to talk to the manager. She told the manager that if they don't do anything about that parrot she will sue them. The manager apologizes and assures her that it will all be fixed and the parrot won't say anything offensive anymore, for it is a very smart parrot. The lady returns to the same pet store the next day and sees the same parrot. The parrot, just like it did the last two days, starts talking to her. Parrot: "Hey lady, hey!" Lady: "WHAT?!" Parrot: "...You know."

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Where'd ya get it?" The parrot says, "Africa." (I don't know if you know this one, but I just heard it today)

Used to date a girl with a parrot. Thing never shut up Parrot was cool though.

The Parrot Says ... A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."

A black man goes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder... The bartender looks at the parrot and says, "Wow! That's a beauty. Where'd you get him?" The parrot replies, "Africa".

A guy buys a parrot... And he has been told in the pet store, this parrot can say 2 phrases. If you pull a string on its right foot, it would say: "Good morning". If you would pull a string on its left foot, it would say: " How are you?". So this guy decides to test these ones out at home. Sure enough, parrot says: " Good morning" as the guy pulls the right string and "How are you?" as he pulls the left one. The guy is so thrilled about his new pet, but he starts to wonder out loud: " Well, but what would happen if I pulled both of the strings at the same time?" And the parrot goes: " I would fall down, you motherfucker."

A black guy walks into a bar... A black guy walks into a bar and he has a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender looks at him and says, "Where did you get that?" The parrot squawks, "Africa! The fuckers are everywhere over there."

Parrot Joke A woman is passing by a pet store when she sees in the front window, a lovely big parrot. Next to which is a sign which says has been marked down from $2000 to only $50. Curious, she enters the shop and asks the shopkeeper why it is so cheap. 'Well' he says 'There is a bit of a problem with that one... See, it was sold to woman who returned it because she couldn't keep up the payments on it. Problem is, she also happened to be the owner of a brothel, and it's happened to have picked up a bit of bad language. If you don't have a problem with any of that you can have it for only $50' The woman, never one to pass up a bargain, thinks 'how bad can it be?' and pays the $50 and takes the bird home. She hangs the cage with the large and beautiful bird up in her living room when she gets home. The parrot says: 'New house. New madam!' She thinks this isn't too bad, and is beginning to think she's got a great bargain when her teenage girls come home from high-school. 'New house. New madam. New whores!' Screeches the bird. The girls are a little shocked, but their mum explains the situation and they have a bit of a giggle about it and think nothing more of it. Later that evening the woman's husband comes home. As he comes in the front door the bird says 'Hi Frank!'

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' ''What about the green one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' ''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

The parrot A young man decides to take a look around a pet store one morning. As he is walking through the store, he notices a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. "Pssst, Pssst" the bird said as he motioned the man over to him. "You should take me home, I would make great company". "But you're defective, you have no legs. How do you even stay on that perch?" The man asked. "Aw that's simple" the bird replied. "I just wrap my dick around it, keeps me secure". The man laughed to himself and decided he had nothing to lose and brought his new companion home. When the man returned from work the next day, the bird motioned him over once again, "Pssst, Pssst". The man approached the bird and asked "what's the problem?". The bird replied "I don't know how to tell you this, but right after you left for work your neighbour came over, and him and your wife started kissing, and touching, and rubbing..." "Oh my God, then what happened?!" "I don't know, I got a hard on and fell off my perch".

On the night the titanic hit the iceberg... there is a magic show. And the magician calls up a volunteer from the audience and asks him for his watch. He takes the watch, puts it in a bag and smashes it to pieces, At that moment a Parrot in the audience calls out "It's in 'is pocket, it's in 'is pocket". The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician and finally the magician pulls the watch out of his pocket and hands it back to the man. The magician calls another volunteer from the audience and puts him a dissapearing box, he spins the box around and ta da the box is empty The parrot goes "he's out the back, the guy stepped out the back" The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician and finally the man sheepishly steps out from behind the box. At that moment, the Iceberg hits, the ship goes down, the Magician is swimming around and grabs a bit of flotsam and who's on the other end of the piece of wood but the Parrot. The magician looks at the parrot, the parrot looks at the magician, the magician looks at the parrot, for three days this goes on and finally the Parrot says "alright I give up what did you do with the Fuckin' ship!"

A pirate captain walks into a bar... ...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!" Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

One day, the wife welcomes her lover... ...but before they start their adulterous activites, the wife says: 'Honey! Let's put a blanket on the parrot's cage, because last time he almost busted us!' So they put a blanket on the parrot's cage. However, before they start, the lover comes up with a new idea: 'Honey! I just invented a new position! You'll go on all fours, I'll jump up on the chandelier, swing in, and I'll penetrate with a deep thrust from behind!' To which they hear the parrot's voice: 'You can cut out my tongue for all I care, but I wanna see **that**!'

A farmer buys a young rooster As soon as it comes home, it screws all the 153 hens... The farmer is impressed thinking about the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the young energetic rooster again screws all the 153 hens. The farmer got tensed up now. Next day, he finds the rooster screwing the ducks & the geese and parrot too which scared the hell out of him. Later that day, the farmer finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead & vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "You deserved it, you Hot little bastard! you deserve this "The rooster opens one eye, points up & says "Ssshhh. Let them land, I've never screwed a vulture in my whole career".....

Jesus is watching you A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Two parrots were sitting on a perch... One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"