100+ Parent Jokes

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys. Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

I wore a suit to work and got my supervisor soft demoted I’m posting mainly because I’m not a passive-aggressive type and I’m in disbelief that this actually worked.   Ever since I started at my job a few months ago, my supervisor—we’ll call him Josh—has been micromanaging me. When I’m the subject of criticism (which is often), I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him to clarify. What are your expectations? What specifically should I have done differently? Josh’s responses are always vague, often something to the effect of “Just do better.” I even had a meeting with Josh and HR to address this, but to no avail. Yesterday, Josh comes to my desk to tell me I need to dress better. Now, I work at a small company, and the vibe is unusually casual. A not-insignificant number of people come to work wearing jeans, hoodies, t-shirts, and/or baseball caps. I have never worn a hat to work, and I make a point of wearing a button-up shirt with a collar every day. This particular day I was wearing a long-sleeve button-up flannel, chino pants, and Adidas gazelles. Other days I wear loafers and dress shirts that are tucked in. So, I ask Josh to clarify. Should I be wearing dress shoes? Dress shirt? Tucked in? What specifically do you want me to change? Josh tells me I just need to dress better and that I should talk to HR for clarification. So I go in to HR and ask, what is the dress code? I get a standard answer: pants, close-toed shoes, no sleeveless shirts, etc. I ask, have I ever worn anything to work that poses a problem? HR says no, you’re fine.   Because I’m mad, and because my repeated efforts to resolve this kind of problem had gone unheeded, I decided to be petty. The next day (today), I showed up to work in a full suit. It’s one I keep for events like weddings, so it’s fitted and I look really sharp in it. It’s also wildly and conspicuously overdressed for the office I work in. I had several interactions with people coming to my desk to comment on my outfit and ask what the occasion was. When anyone asked (only if they asked), I told them I had been told to “dress better.” This was always met with disbelief and incredulity. Two people even said they like the way I dress normally. When anyone asked me who the order came from—again, only if they asked—I told them it came from Josh.   I was expecting to pull my little stunt for a week just to prove a point, and then go back to wearing what I had been wearing before. Word got around the office fast, apparently, because the CEO (Josh’s direct boss) came to my desk later in the day to tell me I would be reporting to him now, and that he’d be having a talk with Josh about this and other issues. It’s important to note that I was Josh’s only underling, so he effectively went from being a supervisor to just a regular employee. I’m on a bit of a high now, I think I’m going to come in to work tomorrow wearing a different one of my flannels! Edit: This blew up! Thank you for all the support. No, this isn't AI and I didn't use ChatGPT to edit for style or grammar. I genuinely like em dashes and I use them regularly in writing—I promise!

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it. There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. ​ Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting. Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me. So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay. I say to them, “Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you" They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.” I shouted upstairs, “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared. Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head? Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it. There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised. Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date."*

Afternoon Sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not. - Edit: Thanks for the gold (gild?), kind stranger.

Having homosexual parents must be terrible Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

Disney World is reopening because they know that kids with dead parents will relate more to their movies. Sasha Rosser @POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters.. Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

My parents have never caught me smoking pot... ...but they do know sober people don't give their parents goodnight handshakes

My wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month... To my surprise, the calendar skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we're missing a month. She said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed..." She's apparently been waiting a month for this set up

I was an awkward kid, I never looked anyone in the eyes, not even once- I have no idea what my parents look like. For all I know, they could be a pair of wool blankets. Except I know that's ridiculous & impossible- wool blankets make you feel safe and secure.

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name. Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

Trying to performance manage me out of a job? I'm up for the challenge Years ago I worked for a supervisor who just didn't like me. No reason why since I just came to work, did my job, and went home at the end of the day. But he decided that I was terrible at what I did and decided to performance manage me out of my job. Game on. He wrote me up for some vague bullshit and asked me to sign it but since it didn't show any hard facts and data I asked for examples of this. Meeting ended with document unsigned since he didn't have an example for this. Tried it again with an example this time and I asked how often this would be reviewed for feedback, how the feedback would be given, and how the improvement or non improvement would be measured. He hadn't have a solid answer so again no document signed and the meeting ended. The next time me had HR in the meeting and had all his documentation and the answer to my questions from the prior meeting. He decided to be so smart on how feedback would be given daily via email. I signed the paper and he gave a smug smile. Next day comes along and shockingly there was zero feedback given. No email sent for the rest of the week. Get called into a meeting with boss and HR with a paper saying there was no improvement and I was being put on warning for termination and oops I'm sorry but can you show me the emails where feedback was given daily as outlined? There were none. Meeting ended. Next day email sent with feedback. I responded with facts and data. No response. Day after email sent with feedback. Again responded noting that I hadn't gotten any follow up for the day before and responded to that day's email with facts and data. 3rd day I again noted that I hadn't gotten any answers to the prior 2 days questions and added facts and data for this one. Then I cc'ed the HR person and sent it back. Apparently after much discussion boss decided that it was too hard to performance manage someone out of a job and my work was suddenly just fine after all.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo. Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out... So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden." The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author." Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date!"*

William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie. Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.

“You’re Not Paid to Think”—Okay, So I Didn’t. A few years ago, I worked as a copywriter at a small PR agency run by a tyrant of a boss—let’s call her Marcy. She was all about control. One day during a strategy meeting, I pointed out a huge flaw in a campaign that could have cost our client major money. Her response? “You’re not paid to think, you’re paid to write what I tell you.” Cool. Got it. From that point on, I followed her instructions exactly. No suggestions, no edits, no heads-up when things were obviously going sideways. Just pure, flawless compliance. Within two months, two major clients left over tone-deaf campaigns—ones I had tried to fix but was explicitly told not to. Guess who got blamed? Me. Guess who kept receipts? Also me. I forwarded my “just doing what you told me” email chain to HR. Turns out, this wasn’t the first complaint. She was “restructured” out of the company three weeks later. Edit: Sorry for using a "-". Apparently that's a no no.

How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents? One Buck.

You want me to participate in Sunday School? Enjoy my extensive knowledge of your holy book. So my relatives and parents are very firmly a part of this cult, it’s mostly in the states but it does have some worldly presence. Not gonna say which one it is cause I don’t want my parents to find this post. I left the cult about two years ago now, after they refused to acknowledge that I had several medical problems and the religion believes that people can become like Jesus and heal their own bodies. Wack, right? And I’m not talking about a little scratch or a cold. I’m talking about cancers, contagious diseases like measles, polio, whooping cough, broken bones, psychological disorders. It’s really crazy. But whenever I come back they always make me go to Sunday school to ‘show respect for the family’. Bullshit, it’s cause they want to convert me back and whenever someone from the cult finds out someone has left they make it their personal mission to bring them back. So this past Sunday I didn’t have work and my dad told me I had to go to church with the family. He said I’m still able to go to Sunday school since I’m just in university. We arrive to the church, I’m super dressed up. Like very fancy looking. The women when I come in are very pleased (they know I’ve left) and are like “wow it’s so nice to see you back! Hope you come more often now we’ve missed you.” I go down to my Sunday school class and it’s a bunch of uni kids and an older woman, strict looking teacher. Perfect. She sits me down and starts talking about the Bible and what’s wrong and right. Cue malicious compliance. I took two years of intensive Bible classes, I’ve translated from Hebrew and Greek, I’ve actually read the whole Bible cover to cover. Some ‘points’ were made. Teacher: “And so God said that we most never lie in bed with another of the same sex.” Me: “And where does it say that ma’am?” Teacher: “Well in this verse here” *shows* Me: “That was actually mistranslated from Hebrew. It actually says man shall not lie with boy.” Teacher: *frustrated* “No that’s not true. And besides, there’s this verse here which says homosexual sex is wrong.” *shows other verse* Me: “So…by that logic, wouldn’t that mean that anyone, male on male, female on male, or female on female, who was having oral or anal sex would be gay?” Teacher: *horrified* The whole class went on like this. I refuted claims about the killing of children, the uselessness of prostitutes, about immigration, and so on. After church, my dad was pulled aside by the teacher and when he came back he sighed and shook his head and said “Fine. You don’t have to come anymore.” I replied with “is she not impressed with my thorough knowledge of the Bible?”

Dress more appropriately for church. Sure, I’ll follow the rule literally A couple years ago, I joined a small but tight knit church community. Everyone was pretty relaxed, people came in jeans, dresses, even T-shirts sometimes, especially at youth services. No one was disrespectful, just comfortable. I usually wore long skirts or dress pants and nice tops. Nothing flashy and definitely nothing revealing. But apparently, that wasn’t churchy enough for one particular elder, an older woman. After service one day, she pulled me aside and said, with that sweet fake smile: Sweetheart, I just wanted to encourage you to dress a bit more appropriately. We should always look our best for the Lord. I was confused. I asked what exactly was inappropriate about my outfit, a long navy skirt, a tucked-in blouse, and flats. She said: It’s not bad, but, you know not quite holy attire. Maybe think about what you’d wear if Jesus was sitting in the front row. The next Sunday, I showed up in my most over the top church outfit. Full floor length choir robe. White gloves. A wide brimmed hat with a fake bird and a little veil. Bible in hand, stockings, low heels and pearls. I looked like I was either about to preach, get baptized, or time travel back to 1954. People stared. One usher asked if I was part of the clergy now. Someone whispered, Is she in a play? And bless her heart, the elder gave me a stunned little nod when I sat close to her and said: You look very reverent today. Thank you! I figured this is how Jesus would want me to show up. Next week. Back to my usual outfit. Never got a comment again.

My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose. I was being transparent.

Apparently not a joke I'm a son without a father... I lost him a few days ago to a heart attack and I just... can't stop crying We both used to check out this sub daily for amazing dad jokes and laugh at them together... We'd try to form our own stupid stuff I used to wake up for college early in the morning I'd cook some breakfast for him get ready and before leaving I'd wake him up and tell him a stupid dad joke... I'd want to see him start his day with a smile I just want to thank you all in this sub for giving me and my dad happiness your jokes made us laugh at our worst times Out of habit I keep getting up to go to his room with a dad joke... Only to see it empty I'm never gonna get to mess around with my dad again... I'm never going to hang out with him again he's not going to be there to see me grow up and buy a house of my own ... He's not going to see me buy a car of own ... He's not going to see me get married... He's gone forever and I will never get to start my day with a smile again from a silly dad joke with him He wasn't the greatest dad but he certainly was the best I could ever ask for ... I will miss you dad Thank you r/dadjokes to all the amazing dads here and their funny and stupid jokes Edit : thank you so much dad's for your overwhelming support I love you guys and I just want to take a moment to thank all the people here who shared their experiences as well of having lost a parent... Your story inspires me to continue forward with the torch Also I'm seeing quite a few comments saying the post is not funny and that they came for a laugh... I'm truly sorry about that, I just really wanted to honor my dad in this sub since we spent so much time together here scrolling for jokes and I needed the push from you dads to get back on my feet I'm never going to be the same that's for sure knowing a peice of me has been lost forever... The void will never be filled in my heart But your support is just what I needed, once again thank you dads I love you Edit 2: thank you so much dads for your overwhelming support I know I haven't been able to respond to all the dms and messages here but I've been reading them all and it's just made me smile in the worst Thank you dads you guys are the best

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago.

Tough to be Irish "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

My daughter is apparently going to be a future member. My wife told her to stop putting stickers all over the house, and she should only put stickers on paper. My daughter argued with her but my wife was just done picking stickers up all over the house, especially the kitchen, so it wasn't going anywhere. An hour or so later I walk into the kitchen and see stickers on post it notes, and the post it notes were stuck all over the refrigerator! She was so proud of herself it was hilarious. Edit: to add some context... She was 3 almost 4 when this happened. It happened 4 years ago, it popped up in my Facebook feed. We also didn't have an issue with our kids putting stickers up, but she had emptied a sticker book like 3 days in a row, so it was getting old. My wife and I both thought it was hilarious. My wife got a picture of her next to her work with the biggest shit eating grin you can imagine. I showed her the pic today, she's almost 8 and she cracked up saying that sounds like something she would have done.

Blow a minor incident out of proportions? Dont mind if i do! I work as an engineer for a company that assigns me to various client projects. For one such assignment, I was added to a project that wouldn’t start for a few weeks, so in the meantime I stayed focused on other ongoing work. A few days before the project was due to begin, the external project lead sent me a ZIP file containing technical documentation: diagrams, requirements, and other materials relevant to the upcoming project. I skimmed through it briefly, then moved on with my day. Nothing unusual. A couple of days later, I got an email from the external company’s scheduling manager saying that “a document” had been sent to me which apparently contained some confidential company information, and asking me to delete the email. That’s it. No file name, no explanation, just a vague “please delete it.” I shrugged, deleted the ZIP file, and replied asking if they could resend it without the problematic part. Then I forgot all about it. That is, until I got a call from the most condescending, passive-aggressive person I’ve ever dealt witt, the scheduling manager from the client’s side. She went on a 30-minute tirade about how the previous project lead never should’ve sent me that document, how serious the situation was, and, most memorably, how she couldn’t trust that I had actually deleted it. I quote: “I can’t just take your word for it. I’m not just going to trust you because you say so.” Right. So at that point, I figured: Im done with you, If you’re going to act like I’ve just been handed nuclear launch codes, then I’ll treat it like I’ve just been handed nuclear launch codes. I said, “You’re absolutely right. I’ll contact our Security Operations team and report a formal security incident. They can coordinate with your SecOps team, and together we can do a full scrub of all relevant mail servers to ensure the document is completely gone. It’s really the only way to be certain.” Suddenly, her entire tone changed. “Oh no no no, that won’t be necessary. It’s fine, I believe you!” She practically stumbled over herself trying to shut it down. Because escalating this to both companies’ SecOps teams would’ve turned it into a bureaucratic nightmare: incident reports, compliance reviews, and probably someone getting thrown under the bus. I politely reiterated that I really didn’t mind escalating it if it would give her peace of mind. She very quickly decided she had enough peace already. We ended the call, and life moved on. if you act like I’ve compromised national security, don’t be shocked when I offer to treat it like a national security incident.

Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar... Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews. Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!" To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history." Jesus then says, "and I bet I could get it for most followed person in history." Hitler raises his beer and proclaims, "and I could get the record for the worst person in history!" So the three gentlemen make their way to the Guinness head quarters where they are put to the test. First Chris Pratt goes into the record-recognizer room and walks out with a big smile shouting, "Yes! Yes! I did it! I'm a world record holder!" Next, Jesus walks in and then five minutes later comes out smiling as well shouting, "Woohoo! I did it, I'm the most followed man ever!" Finally Hitler walks in and then five minutes later comes out führerious and yells, "Who the fuck is Ellen Pao?" Edit: misspelled "their" because apparently I never made it past Ms. Johnson's 6th grade English class and I added führerious because people commenting on this thread are a lot funnier than I am

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school. His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

On a scale of Alligator to Gorilla.... How shitty of a parent are you?

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish ## I say ofcourse he was Jewish + 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents + Working in his father's business + His mother thought he was God's gift ## He's Jewish. Give it up **** _by Robin Williams_ Happy Birthday Robin!

I bumped into an old school friend today I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician." Edit: apparently people don't like the fuck. Too fucking late.

Hipsters I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

You want to review every client interaction? Perfect, your Inbox is about to blow up I've been working at this small marketing agency for just over a year now. It's my first "real" job after college, and I've been thrilled to have actual clients and responsibilities. Well, I was thrilled until we got a new account manager, Debbie (not her real name, obviously). Debbie came from one of those corporate mega-agencies where apparently they micromanage the living daylights out of everyone. From day one, she had "concerns" about my communication style with clients. Mind you, I'd been praised by these same clients for being responsive and helpful. Last month, after I sent what I thought was a perfectly normal email to our biggest client about a small scheduling change, Debbie called an emergency meeting. "From now on, I need to approve ALL client communications before they go out," she announced with that fake smile managers use when they're being unreasonable but pretending they're helping you. "Everything. Emails, phone call notes, text messages, meeting agendas. Send them to me first for review." When I pointed out that this would slow down our response times, she just waved her hand dismissively. "It's about quality control. Better to be right than fast." Fine. You want ALL communications? You got it. I started that very afternoon. Every. Single. Thing. If a client asked what time a call was scheduled, I drafted an email response and sent it to Debbie. "Awaiting your approval on this time confirmation." If a client texted asking for a quick file, I'd screenshot it and email Debbie. "Please approve my response to this text message." I even created a special folder in my drafts called "Awaiting Debbie's Approval" and set up an automated counter. By the end of day one, I had sent her 17 approval requests. By the end of week one, it was over 100. The best part? I stopped answering my phone when clients called. Instead, I'd let it go to voicemail, then email Debbie: "Client X called about Y. My proposed response is attached. Please approve." After about two weeks, Debbie was drowning. She'd fallen behind on approving my communications, which meant clients weren't getting responses. They started escalating to her directly, which doubled her workload. The breaking point came when our biggest client emailed both of us complaining about delays. I responded to the client with: "I've forwarded your concerns to Debbie for approval of my response. Once approved, I'll get back to you promptly." The next morning, Debbie stopped by my desk looking exhausted. "I think we need to adjust our approval process," she said, trying to maintain her corporate dignity. "Moving forward, just use your judgment for routine communications. Only send me things that involve project scope, timeline changes, or budget discussions." "Are you sure?" I asked innocently. "I have about 30 draft responses waiting for your review right now." She visibly cringed. "That won't be necessary anymore." I've been happily sending emails without approval for two weeks now. Debbie barely makes eye contact in the hallway, and honestly, that's fine by me. The best part? My quarterly review is coming up, and all those approval emails are documented proof that I've been trying my absolute best to follow company protocol. Sometimes malicious compliance is the best teacher.

Daughter's vibrator A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.   What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.   "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.   "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

A biology teacher asked me what is inside a cell. Apparently, black people wasn’t the answer.

a black kid complemented my shirt He said : nice shirt faggot.... I said yea, it's 100% cotton. tell your grandparents I said thanks

Joke from Spain (forgive my English) There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child. "I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife. "That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband. "Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife. "No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband. The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that. "Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest." "And?" She asks. "And I did!"

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby EDIT: Holy shit my first front page! Also RIP inbox

A Teacher asks the students.. "Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?" Nobody is able to answer Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer." The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question. Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple." *Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.* Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer." The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?" Teacher: "No, that's impossible." Students: "It is possible, my father said." Teacher : "How?" Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."

My brother in law told me to stop asking where everything goes in his house and "just use common sense" My sister and her husband bought a house last fall, and ever since then visiting them has felt like walking into a very nice Airbnb run by one irritated man. He has a rule for everything, but only after you break it. Shoes by the bench, except not that side of the bench because that side is for the dog leash. Mugs in the blue cabinet, except not the front half because those are "for guests." Dish towels on the oven handle, except one of them is decorative, somehow. Last weekend I was there helping my sister paint the spare room, and by noon I had already been corrected four times for putting things in the "wrong" place. When I asked where he wanted the paint tray washed, he sighed and said, "You don't need a guided tour every ten minutes. Just use common sense and act like you live here." So I said okay. I really did say it nicely, because at that point I was getting annoyed too. So I acted like I lived there. I rinsed the tray in the big utility sink, used the roll of paper towel under it, put the dog food scoop back in the bin with the food, and stacked the dried dishes in the cabniet that was literally next to the sink. About twenty minutes later he came downstairs looking like his soul had left his body. The paper towels were apparently for garage spills only. The scoop "cannot" touch the food because of germs, even though it lives in the food bin. And the cabinet I used was not for plates, it was for "serving pieces." My sister started laughing so hard she had to sit on the stairs. He said I was being smart with him, and I told him no, I was using common sense and acting like I lived there. Now there are labels inside half the kitchen, which honestly seems definitley easier for everybody.

My friend stayed overnight, parents told us don’t wake them up for anything. When I was about seven years old, my best friend came to stay overnight on the weekend as usual. Right before bed, my parents told us to not wake them up for anything. You got it mom and dad! So our festivities included the ultimate 90’s kiddo experience; video games and snacks until our eyes couldn’t be held up anymore. My friend’s snack choice happened to be an entire box of cheez its… which apparently he was not built for unbeknownst to the both of us. That was, until he gurgled up saying “I think I’m going to be sick.” And sick he was, over half of the futon we always dragged out for him was covered in orangey clear evidence of a great night over-indulging on that crispy salty square. He curled up in the only spot that was left, for the last time that the futon could provide. My parents only had this to say… “Why didn’t you wake us up? We could have cleaned it and saved the futon.” I never saw my friend eat cheez its again.

Restaurant parking lot was for customers only so I made the owner's daughter go find street parking 4 blocks away. Inspired by the recent post of making a CEO sign in as a visitor, it reminded of a college job. Years ago I worked as a parking lot Attendant for a high end restaurant. Parking was for customers only. Not even employees could park there. I got chewed out by a manager one day because I let a cook who was running late park there (the cook apologized to me because I got in trouble). One night the owner's daughter (completely spoiled brat) showed up and I told her "Sorry, Customers Only." She flipped out on me but, again, "Sorry. I Was Just Yelled At By Tony (the manager) And He Said CUSTOMERS ONLY." She wound up having to parallel park four blocks away and apparently scratched her bumper backing into a street sign. Tony promptly showed up and fired me on the spot. This was a beer money job so I told him where he could stick it. A couple days later the Owner called me and apologized for the whole thing. He said the whole situation caused restaurant drama because employees took my side. I did the right thing by letting the cook park there and then Tony overreacted by yelling at me. He obviously knew I was being a hardass because I had been yelled at and wouldn't let his kid park there. He offered me my job back but I politely declined. A couple months later I found out that the guy who replaced me got fired for taking bribes from people to park in the lot and never go into the restaurant. Tony then got fired because turns out he was fudging sales numbers and stealing money from the till every night. And the wheels on the bus go round and round. TLDR: Got yelled at for letting an employee park in a Customer Only parking lot. Denied the owner's daughter parking and got fired for it. Guy who replaced me took cash to let anyone park there.

Ok let’s call the park officer This happened July 4th weekend. I am a member and have a place in a self contained camp community. Nice quiet place with a lake and pools and a restaurant and things like that. I love it because my kid can be a kid like I was and go wander with friends and disappear until dinner time and I don’t have to worry. Our place is on a small cul de sac that is grassed in and we use it for kids to play and set up cornhole and all that. Because it’s July 4th a bunch of people have guests so the park is more full than normal, and a guest of someone on the circle parked at the edge of the grass. Well my kid and another kid were playing catch and one of the kids missed the ball and it hit the parked car. Owner of the car comes out hot and going at the kids. Me and the other kid’s parent both go over to calm the situation. Obviously if there’s damage we’ll take care of it because it’s from our kids. But this guy starts going off about all these dents and this big scratch and a crack in the windshield and all this is the kids’ fault. I was willing to be reasonable but when you start saying you want a ton of extra work done trying to blame my kid I get a little less reasonable. So we’re going back and forth and then he says the magic word that if we aren’t willing to pay for everything he’s going to call the park safety office to come deal with it. Knowing where this was going I smiled and said yes ok let’s do that. So the officer comes out and to no ones surprise but this guy the area his car is parked is a no parking area, so not only does the officer tell him to deal with it because if he had followed the rules and parked in an actual parking zone this wouldn’t have happened, and because they guy told him he’d been parked there for 2 days with no issues before now, he got a nice fat ticket and order to move his car. He turned bright red but didn’t say another word and moved his car and we didn’t see or hear from him the rest of the weekend.

Take you to court? Okay... This was many years ago, so I apologize if some of the details are incorrect. Twas was the year of our Lord 2006, my big sister had just started driving on her own. My parents did as most parents did at the time, they bought her the biggest pile of shit car that they could find. Relatively reliable, but it was a mid-80s gold Geo Metro. It was a beater, rusty, dented, and dinged, very ugly, and importantly for this story, one of the mirrors was duct taped on. One afternoon in the fading light she was driving to our local Pizza Hut to pick up her paycheck. On that fateful day, as the sun was going down, someone in a big black suburban type of vehicle backed into her front driver's side pretty hard. So hard in fact that the car was completely totaled. But luckily my sister was fine. Both parties had insurance, they called the police to take an official report, and my parents started the hunt for a new car. Some time passes and they get a letter from the suburbans insurance agency asking for our insurance to cover the cost of the damage done to the suburban. The suburban driver was alleging that my sister had been speeding through the parking lot and was therefore at fault. This was news to them, they grilled my sister, who swore up down and sideways that she was not speeding, and actually that she was going much slower than normal because as the sun was setting it was hitting the windshield in such a way that made visibility difficult. After some digging they found in the police report the sheriff's deputy had noted that the mirror that was duct taped on fell straight down. So not only had my sister not been speeding, but she was very nearly or completely stopped at the time of the accident. My parents insurance sent a letter back stating that my sister had not been at fault for this accident, and they were willing to accept the total they had paid for the car several months earlier, a paultry sum of $350. The lady who hit my sister responded back that she would not be paying for anything as she was very confident that she was not at fault, and told my parents that they would just have to take her to small claims court. My parents responded "bet" and did just that. In order to get all of the paperwork in line for small claims court they had to take this shitty little geo metro to an auto body shop and get an estimation for how much it would cost to replace the panels that this lady had totaled. Well, a car that old was difficult to find parts for, and so they were unable to find anything to replace the panels and the door. So they gave her a quote for how much it would be to repair those panels, as well as replace the tire and suspension bits that she messed up by backing into it. About $4,000. Just before court they did attempt to go to mediation with her to attempt to get her to just pay the $350 that they had initially bought the car for. Unfortunately, or fortunately, she was still convinced that she was not at fault... Long story short, my parents were awarded the full four grand, as it was determined that the lady did not check behind her thoroughly enough before backing out of the parking spot. And that's how my parents made three grand on a $300 car.

This Is Your Name (Malicious compliance by passive resistance.) Midway through the the school year when I was in the second grade we suddenly got a new teacher. She went around the classroom and asked each of us to stand up and say our names. Now my name is Fredric because my maternal grandmother was named Frieda and she passed away a few days after my birth. But neither of my parents wanted to call me Fred so my nickname became Ric. So when asked I stood up and said my name is Ric. "WE DO NOT USE NICKNAMES IN MY CLASS! YOUR NAME IS RICHARD!" When I attempted to use my correct name I was shut down and told there was no exceptions and I was to use the name Richard. To this day I have no idea why she didn't look at any paperwork to see my name but I simply obeyed her demand and answered to Richard. A couple of weeks later came PTA night and my parents went to meet with her. I was told things went wrong the moment she said she was happy to meet Richard's parents. My mom was a very formidable woman who didn't suffer fools gladly. My father was a delegate in the teachers union so he had some pull of his own. After that Ric was just fine thank you.

Having gay parents must be horrible You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"

I took a biology test today. The question was, "what is something commonly found in cells?" Apparently, "black people" was the wrong answer.

The hells angels are riding.... On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped. John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to kill myself!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," John also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' John here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, John gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" She explained, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. Wow front page cool...a lot of you need to chill out tho

Threw away over $1000 worth of candy and got a raise In the early 1990s when I was in my 20s I worked at a grocery store in the Midwest whose name rhymes with herbs that was owned by the chain Kroger. After working days for about six months I was eventually move to working the 11 to 7 or 10 to 6 overnight shifts and found that I really preferred them both for the clientele and for the different pace and not having to deal directly with the clueless general manager. One of the duties of the lone overnight checker was to restock all of the candy and snacks at the multiple checkout lanes. The candy was stored in the stairwell giving the only access to the second floor office near the front of the store (which was an obvious fire hazard). Just picture \~10 opened cardboard boxes stacked along a not particularly wide stairwell and you could imagine how messed up the whole thing was. A lady who worked in the morning who inventoried the candy remaining on the shelf was a different person than the afternoon lady whose job it was to occasionally(read never) inventory remaining candy in the stairwell. Then, daytime checkers who were supposed to fill the lulls between customers by cleaning their check stations and restocking candy would just grab whatever was handy at the bottom of the stairs, including opening brand new packages to take out the individual sale packages inside to top up their aisles displays meaning that over time those \~10 large cardboard boxes of candy each had a bunch of partial boxes and loose pieces inside of just random candy with no organization. Because I worked as the overnight checker I was constantly getting notes attached to my time card from the general manager (who only had his job because he was golf buddies with the district manager and had never worked in a grocery store before three years before that) reminding me to sort out the mess by stocking the candy. One of the banes of my existence was the ordering lady in the morning ordering a bunch of Cherry Nibs. Apparently it was part of a discount deal to buy a bunch of them yet we barely sold any of them. There were unopened and partial boxes of them in every one of the larger boxes that held candy as well as the mad assortment of other candy. Finally after about a dozen notes attached to my time card over the course of a month I decided to act. One night I pulled all the boxes down off of the stairs and told the night manager that I was going to sort it all out for good and he said fine. He was actually a cool guy who let me get work done and ran a very relaxed yet efficient shift. I sorted all the candy into chocolate, gum, suckers, basically by category labeled about six of the boxes, put all the stuff back in their proper boxes, and then put all the rest of the candy in a cart along with the trash that it was my job to take out from the registers at night. I then proceeded to throw what I can only estimate was $1000 or more worth of candy, including 90% of those damn Nibs, into the trash compactor in the back of the store with all of the trash on top of it so the next person who used it wouldn’t notice a bunch of crushed candy and report me. The next night when I clocked in I was pleasantly surprised to find that instead of being fired there was a note on my time card letting me know good job, and that I would be getting a $.25 an hour raise starting on my next paycheck. Let it be known that nothing containing chocolate went into the trash as I am not a heathen!

I sent my son to a camp to help him with his ADHD Apparently yelling “To the concentration camp with you” in a German accent is frowned upon.

Boy walks in on his parents going at it... Father turns around, smiles, and winks. Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father. Boy smiles, winks, and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

I thought vasectomies were supposed to keep me from getting my wife pregnant?? Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby. Go figure.

Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. 'What are you doing?' she exclaimed. He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.

I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes. Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.

Manager Says I Must Chat in the Group Chat … So I Do. In Every Language but English. So, I’ve been working remotely for almost six years now, but I recently joined a new company with a new team leader. I could tell right away this guy was freshly promoted, you know that vibe when someone’s trying a little *too hard* to flex authority? Yeah, that. My job is to talk with clients. That’s it. My team leader isn’t even looped into those conversations, so honestly, I barely have any reason to chat with him day-to-day. Naturally, I don’t really hop into the team group chat unless it’s work-related or someone tags me directly. Fast forward to my third monthly review: all my KPIs were perfect. However, my team lead docked my score because I “wasn’t engaging enough in the team chat.” Apparently, saying good morning and joining in on non-work chatter was “required” to show team spirit. I pointed out it’s not in the metrics, never has been, and in six years of remote work I’ve never once been penalized for not spamming greetings into a chatbox. His response? *“As long as you’re on my team, you need to chat. Even just a hello or goodbye.”* Cue malicious compliance. Every morning I started posting “Good morning” and every evening “Goodbye”... but in a different language every day. Monday Korean, Tuesday Spanish, Wednesday Greek… you get the idea. At first, my lead thought it was funny. Then the rest of the team joined in, but they were all using Google Translate, and, well… let’s just say a LOT got lost in translation. Some sentences even got flagged by our system, and eventually the General Manager (his boss) had to ask what on earth was happening. Suddenly my team leader wasn’t laughing anymore. He DMed me saying *“Please just greet in English from now on.”* Then he threatened that if I didn’t stop, he’d report me to the GM. So far? I’m three weeks in. Still greeting the team in whatever language I feel like. Still waiting for that “GM call.”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks: 'Dad, what's Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Making them cold just seemed like the right thing to do. I used to work in a retirement village with a communal restaurant/dinning room. There was this awful family who despite being only a 15 minute drive away from the village would almost never visit their mother, we can call the mother Sam. Sam was kind. Sam's family were constantly neglecting to provide items such as clothing and most of Sams valuables had in my opinion been stolen by them. As they were the power of attorney for financial, personal and health matters nothing legally could be done apparently... Fast forward to a hot Australian Christmas day. The village is hosting a Christmas lunch for the old people who didn't manage to go out for the day. Family's were welcome but you had to book ahead. The invitation clearly said to "bring a jumper" as the AC was very cold to cater for the constant opening of the dinning room doors with guests coming and going. Naturally Sam's family failed to book a seat and had to be accommodated last minute. Naturally they were the only ones without a jumper. I got the privilege of finding them a place to sit so I dressed Sam in an extra warm nice outfit and set up the table under the big main AC vent. 10 minutes later Sam's annoyed son and daughter in law approached me and asked "can you please turn down the air conditioning it is too cold." "Yep no problem I can do that" I said. And I did. I turned that AC down and extra 4 degrees (I think to 16 degrees Celsius if memory serves). Sam's family left earlier than any other family and Sam was able to spend the rest of Christmas with people who spoke to her like she was a human being. Edit: Jumper = sweater or jersey. We also used jumper cables to warm up the old people until the age care commission decided it was a crime 😉

This is how bad the economy is: * My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. * Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can’t afford batteries. * CEO’s are now playing miniature golf. * Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. * A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced. * If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them. * McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer. * Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. * Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names. * A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. * A picture is now only worth 200 words. * When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. * The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally…. * I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Customer complained I was "rude"; TL;DR at end So, a couple weeks ago my boss gave me a taking to. For reference I work at a very small independent neighborhood coffee shop. I know most of the regulars by order and the newbies I can generally give a good time to. This particular customer, regular though she is, is absolutely garbage. Rude, entitled, belittling, disrespectful; you name it. Usually I try to give minimal interaction, but one day I apparently didn't do things *just right* So I get to work one day, and the boss tells me he's gotten a complaint. Now, I've been there for almost 13 years, and aside from the growing pains of starting what is the equivalent of a coffee shop version of a dive bar, I have had complaints that I can count on one hand. Anyway, he goes on to tell me that a customer has complained that I've been rude/dismissive, etc... I say, okay. I will definitely be mindful of things with this customer moving forward Cue malicious compliance Every. Single. Time. I have seen her since, she gets the absolute, over-the-top, stepford barista treatment. Think June Cleaver ratcheted up to 13. Just pouring on the 'midwestern nice' like a thick saccharine syrup. I've been doing this for at least two maybe two and a half weeks. And, believe me when I say that it drives me absolutely out of my mind to do it. It takes so much energy to treat this human this way. Except today. Today I gave her the exact same treatment as I have been. Except today she made a crucial error. She let it slip that the way I talk to her is irritating. When I tell you I haven't had such a rush of happy brain chemicals in almost a decade, it's not a lie. And, now that I know it annoys her, it'll keep happening. Because now, it's not going to take excess energy to do it. Now it's fueled by spite. TL;DR: customer complained I was rude, so I'm "killing her with kindness" and she finds it irritating. Ergo, I will never stop Edit: someone pointed out an error in my recollection timeline. Mea maxima culpa

I saw a kid crying and I asked where his parents were god I love working at orphanages

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.

You want me to resign? Well, good luck without me! Disclaimer 1: On mobile and English is not my first language, so apologies for any mistakes and bad formatting. Disclaimer 2: Labor laws in my country probably differ from labor laws in your's, so I'll try to explain them when they are important to the story. It is going to be a long one, sorry about that For the last 10 years I've been working from home as automation engineer for a relatively small company what produced custom-built industrial gas treatment units (industrial chillers, compressors stations, that sort of thing). My job was to write algorithms for PLCs, design HMI, and setting up data transfer for customers SCADA systems. Basically I was the person who told machines what to do. I was getting significant below market pay for such position, but with only 4-5 project per year and each taking me 2-3 weeks to complete, I wasn't arguing, since I was getting paid for mostly doing nothing and I was fortunate enough to have considerable passive income thanks to lucky investments of my inheritance. Everything was great until couple years ago, when owner decided to retire and sold the company. So here comes new managment with new policies. In my country every worker entitled to at least 4 weeks of paid vacation time per year all unspent vacation is rolled other to the next year, but you have to take at least 2 uninterrupted weeks per year, so if you only take your mandatory vacation, you accumulate 14 additional days per year. Given how much free time I actually had I rarely used more than mandatory 2 weeks per year, always making sure what there be no commissioning or maintenance planned during my vacation (During these events I would remotely access maintenance engineer's laptop to make neccessary adjustments to the algorithms, so everything works perfectly in real working conditions). But one of the first policies new managment implemented was schedule based vacations. So now O had to decide when I take my 2 weeks at the start of the year. I chose first weeks of April. In early March I get a call from manager of the development team who asks me to come on a quick 3 day work trip to help maintenance engineer switch plc and upload new project. Apparently thanks to new maintenance team manager a lot of maintenance engineers quit and they are short stuffed and the only one they can send atm is bad with computer. "Where isn't much for me to do, since we had identical station going through the same plc switch month prior, so I'll just fly there, chill, until electrical panel is rewired, new plc is installed, when I just upload new project to plc and fly home" - I thought for myself and agreed to go. Apparently maintenance engineer not only bad with computers, but also knows nothing about electrical work, so I had to do everything myself which I am not actually qualified to do, but at this point I don't want to disappoint client, who turned out to be a bunch of really nice people, so after a week and with only 3 burned down fuses I finished. After returning home I inform my manager what I am not going to any more business trips since I don't get paid enough to also do maintenance engineer's work. First say of my vacation comes and I get another call. Despite my poor judgment I decided to answer: - Hey, we need tou to go on another business trip starting next Monday, it will just take a week, it for *this project* - I'm not familiar with that project, it was done while I was on paternity leave (in my country either parent can take paternity/maternity leave up to 3 years and after first 6 months my wife asked me to switch). - Yeah, we had to contract a specialist to do that project while you are on leave, I'll send it to you along with documentation right away. *disconnects* I check recieved project and it is huge - 7 PLC's, 6 HMI panels, everything has to work as a single system, and project is a total mess, nothing would work, you just has to do everything from scratch, will probably take me close to a month to finish. And that is with doing everything from comfort of my own home where I am more productive. So I call back: - Yeah, I looked at this project and that's a mess, it's not in the working condition and no way to finish it in a week. I'll do what I can do, but as I said last time, I'm doing it remotely, as always, I won't go on another business trip, especially now, I have to many things planned for the next few weeks, I can't go. - But reception on site is terrible, you won't be able to access it remotely. And we already missed all deadlines on this project, client is pissed and we are looking at huge fines. CEO is breathing down my neck, we need it fixed yesterday. - Then I'll email maintenance engineer project with changes each eavning once he is in hotel with decent reception and he can email me list of things what need fixing, it's not the first time we done it that way. - Ok, I hear you, I'll have to speak with CEO abo

My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime: "God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa." He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

No more drugs in the workplace? OK! My pet peeve is poorly written policy. If you are going to go to the effort of writing the rules, you may as well do it properly and not get the intern to do it. My wife came home one day and showed a printout of her company's new workplace fitness for work policy that had been sent to all employees to sign and return. My wife, being my wife, decided to run it past me before she signed because I am, well, me. It was mostly an amateurish document that was ultimately a waste of ink and trees but did have a little bit to say about drugs in the workplace which was essentially "Do not come to the work under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and do not bring drugs or alcohol to work". I told her not to sign until they at the very least defined what "drugs" were. Were they including Tylenol? Antibiotics? Ritalin? or just the illegal ones and recreational pharmaceuticals? Fast forward a couple of days, v2.0 of the document is presented. They fleshed out the drugs policy a little, basically using the dictionary definition, something along the lines of "A non-prescription substance which has a physiological or mood altering effect when ingested or otherwise introduced into the body." OK, time for malicious compliance. She signed and presented it to HR the next day and went about her work. During the morning there were increasing amounts of confusion and frustrated loud voices in the office. Apparently it only took an hour before zero work was being done and there was a crowd of workers around the break room. The manager eventually zeroed in on my wife, apparently the only one who wasn't looking confused and asked if she had anything to do with stealing all the coffee in the break room. She admitted it was her, and pointed out the new fitness for work policy which prohibited the consumption of "mood altering substances" in the workplace. He tried to argue that it was "just coffee" but she pointed out that it was definitely mood altering substance, as per company policy and as such was not allowed to be on the premises without a prescription. She'd made her point. She retrieved the coffee she'd stashed in the store room, the office mood was altered, and the company actually commissioned a functional fitness for work policy based upon the published government guidelines.

I called the Rape Hotline Apparently it's only for the victims

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word... I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

He said nobody touches the price tags without his personal check and presence, so we didn't I used to work at a small retail place where the owner had this habit of making one big dramatic rule every time he caught the tiniest mistake. One week somebody printed a shelf label with the wrong promo date on it, nothing huge, easy fix, took maybe two minutes. Instead of just telling us to be careful, he came in annoyed and said from now on nobody changes any price tags, promo signs, or labels without his personal check and presence. He said it twice because he liked hearing himself say stuff like that. We all knew this was stupid because he wasn't there half the time, and prices changed constantly. But fine. His store, his rule. I asked him right there what we should do if a promo ended while he was gone and the old tag was still up. He goes, "Leave it. If I haven't checked it myself, and I'm not here, you don't touch it." Real clear, real confident. So that's exactly what I did. A couple days later one of the weekend promos ended, and the old discounted price was still sitting on a pretty popular item near the front. Normally I would've swapped the tag in under a minute and moved on with my life. Instead I left it there, because I had very recently been informed that touching price labels without his personal check and presence was apparently a crime. People started grabbing the item and bringing it up front expecting the lower price. I explained that the shelf still showed the promo price and I needed him there to check and approve any label change. Since the tag was on display, we had to honor it for the customers who'd already picked it up. This happened again. And again. By the time the owner finally showed up later that day, we'd sold a decent stack of them at the expired promo price. He saw the label, got pissed, and immediately asked why nobody had changed it. I just repeated his exact rule back to him. Nobody touches the price tags without your personal check and presence. You said leave it if you hadn't checked it yourself and weren't here. He stood there for a second like he was trying to find a loophole in his own sentence, then said "Well obviously I didn't mean this." Yeah, I know. That's what made it funnier. After that, the rule quietly changed into "use common sense, and message me if it's a big one." Which, amazingly , was the normal policy before he decided to perform management in front of everybody.

I asked my dad at what age it's okay to have sex. He said "when they leave school, they are legal." Apparently 3:15 is not what he meant.

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." Edit: My second consecutive post to hit over 1000 upvotes! Thanks everyone. I'm so happy right now! Edit 2: 3000+!!!!!!!!!!!

If you’re going to watch TV, you have to include your little sister. When I was around 10, my parents had a rule. If the TV is on, your little sister has to be allowed to watch too if she wants. I usually wanted to watch cartoons, and she always wanted those annoying sing along shows. Arguments every day. One Saturday morning, I turned on the TV, plopped her down in front of it and immediately put on a wildlife documentary about ants. I sat there with the remote in hand, patiently explaining every single scene to her like it was the most exciting thing in the world. She lasted about 6 minutes before running off. My dad poked his head in, saw her already running off to play and asked why the TV was still on. I told him shee didn’t want to stay. I don't know if my parents knew what happened but for some reasons, my parents quietly dropped the “you must include her” rule for the rest of that summer. Cartoons were mine again.

I got my manager yelled at by a customer over his dumb rules Obligatory first-time poster and all that. To understand what happened, you first need to understand two people: Susan and Jack. See, I used to work part-time at a burger joint that has a drive-through, and I was often the one at the window. Susan was a regular customer, and everyone there had an opinion about her. She's very particular, and has a tendency to snap at you if you don't do it right the first time without being asked. I was her favorite employee, though, because I would always take the time to chat with her if we weren't busy. She was actually quite pleasant once you got to know her, just a bit prickly. Now, for Jack. He was the new GM, brought in to "fix the restaurant". Now, I don't think there was anything that needed fixing, but the owner disagreed. He was originally meant to be the assistant GM, but then the owner fired our old GM, and Jack was put in charge. He was a piece of work, the kind of manager you don't want to have. My favorite Jack Moment was when he pulled all the staff on shift into the back while we were still open to lecture us on not smiling enough. You know the type of manager. On to the story. Now, one thing we had to do in the drive-through is put a numbered sticker on the car's side mirror. This sticker was used by the runners who took food out to identify the car, so it's very important. Susan, however, didn't like having the sticker on her mirror. She was convinced she would get in an accident if the mirror was covered even a little, and always insisted on having it put on the car door instead. This wasn't out of the ordinary, we put stickers on doors all the time when we couldn't reach the mirror. However, Jack decided he wasn't having it, and made a new rule that we could only put stickers on mirrors. I figured, okay, but if the customer asks for it, it should still be fine, right? Wrong. I got chewed out for putting the sticker on Susan's car door. I tried to explain to Jack why I did it, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually, he just huffed at me and said, "Look. You need to put the stickers on the mirror, not the door. No exceptions." Well, fine then. Cue malicious compliance. The next time Susan came in, I put the sticker on her mirror, as ordered. She was confused, as I always put it on her door without being asked, and snapped, "What are you doing? Don't put it there, I'll get into an accident." I explained to her the new rule, and that my hands were tied. I didn't want to get in trouble, after all. Then, I told her that it was Jack's rule. I didn't get to witness the next part directly, unfortunately. However, I heard about it second-hand from my coworkers. Apparently, when one of the runners brought her food out, she stopped them and asked them to grab Jack. She then proceeded to give Jack the ass-chewing of a lifetime about his dumb rule. One particular quote that was relayed to me was "What point is there to force them to put it there? They can see it just fine on the door!" My thoughts exactly, Susan. Anyway, the rule was later amended that customers could request for the sticker to be placed on their door. Sorry it wasn't as dramatic as most posts on here, but I wanted to share my bit of compliance.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting a dog that looks exactly like her old one Apparently it just made her even more upset. She kept on screaming at me about what she was supposed to do with 2 dead dogs.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together to make a king. edit: OK, so, apparently this joke was made 10 months ago by some other person. I never knew about that, I thought this was an original joke, so all you people busting a nut because you think I copied someone, go complain elsewhere. I had no idea this joke had already been made.

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size... The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

My friend recommended me a sex position called "The Batman" I asked "What on earth is that?", he responds with "You kill her parents". He's a bit of a Joker.

Security starts with "S", but begins with "U"! Not my story, but needed to share. A friend of mine is the GM for a manufacturing facility, and he reports up to the corporate level. The corporate VP of Operations was a big stickler about following the rules, especially related to security. This isn't a bad thing, but he would often try to set up chances to catch employees in security violations for write-ups. Things like holding open the exterior door for an employee so the following person didn't have to badge in. My GM friend gave his notice recently, and one of the things the VP demanded was to be added as an admin to all security systems, including the badge/lock system. VP meant to set an expiration date of the GM's account. But accidentally deleted it outright, which also removed any permissions he assigned, which included all current employees. Well, the team showed up the next morning to find that no badges worked. My friend told everyone to clock in as normal using their phone, but wait until the badges worked. Because entering the building without an authorized badge went against security rules. Their shift started at 7 AM, but VP wasn't online until 9 AM. He freaked out when he saw that there were no machines running, and then had to figure out how to add everyone back to the door badge system. Apparently, the VP isn't a real tech guy, so it was 10 AM before everyone was added back. They all sat in their cars and would badge in once the VP sent an email. UPDATE: VP sent a facility-wide email to have at least one door "propped" open while people are in the building. Exiting GM pointed out that this violates so many security policies and that the email would be reviewed in an upcoming audit that would find it a "major fault."

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities... "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

IT wanted process over results. I gave them process — and panic. A couple of years ago, I got shuffled out of the business side and into IT during a re-org. The official reason was “better alignment with software delivery.” The real reason? I’m expensive, I don’t do sales, and IT has a bigger budget. Also, and this is educated speculation, I kept not approving IT’s builds for not meeting specs — which, apparently, makes me “difficult” and not “solution oriented.” So now I report to the executive I had previously challenged over the quality of his team’s work. Since joining IT, everything has to be a ticket. Doesn’t matter if it’s a question, a clarification, or divine revelation — no ticket, no work. PMs handle ticket creation and prioritization, which sounds fine in theory, except my actual job is to consult with business analysts and developers. I know more about the rules, regulations, and use cases of our software than anyone in the company and my work doesn’t easily fall into a ticket as it’s more of a problem solving role for existing tickets. Still, no ticket = no work. Bureaucracy over brains. Clients — especially senior ones — tend to reach out to me directly because I can actually answer their questions. Normally, I’d just respond and, if needed, make a ticket afterward for tracking. But management didn’t like that. After one particularly “spirited discussion,” over delays to close low priority tickets in leu of responding to high priority client emails, my boss told me to stop responding to client emails altogether. I was to forward them to PMs, who would create, prioritize, and assign tickets. I explained, patiently, that these emails often come from executives and need quick turnaround. Boss’s response? “Follow the process or we won’t know how overworked you are.” Okay then, boss. Let’s follow the process. A week later, I get an email from the CFO of one of our biggest clients asking for details about a customized build. Normally I’d get an estimate out in a couple of hours. Instead, I cc’d my boss and PM, confirmed I’d received the request, and politely asked them to create and assign a ticket. A few days later, the CFO followed up: “We need this by Friday.” I replied again — cc’ing everyone — apologizing for the delay and asking that the assigned resource take note of the urgency. (Knowing full well no one had assigned the ticket.) Behind the scenes, I had already done the estimate and informed the client what was happening. Spoiler: nothing. Suddenly, my boss is frantically pinging me: “Why haven’t you gotten back to the CFO?!” I calmly reminded him that: 1. He told me to only work on assigned tickets. 2. He was cc’d on every email. 3. He’d have to ask the PM for a status update. There was a long, delicious silence before he finally replied: “Okay… you don’t need a ticket for everything. In the future, if it’s from an executive, just respond and make a ticket afterward.” Sure thing, boss. Glad we cleared that up. I sent the estimate, everyone was happy, and peace was restored. And better yet, management now puts results over process. Well the first part anyway, but peace and results? Well, that’s a malicious compliance story for another day.