50+ Panda Jokes

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat? BAMBOOM!

Don't touch my Garbage! hey all, friendly neighborhood Trash-Panda here (the giant kind, not the bandit kind, it'll make sense in a minute). backstory: i work as a sanitation engineer with a primary focus on residential communities (i'm a garbage collector for houses (see, it makes sense now)). our collection is handled "automatically", our trucks have a hydraulic grabber that we control from inside the cab to grab carts and dump them into the truck, we generally do not need to get out of the truck, we're not manually lifting and tossing garbage, it's a pretty easy gig. what most people don't realize is the RULES for garbage collection, there are A LOT of rules placed on homeowners/residents: what materials are acceptable, size limitations, if your garbage bin lid isn't fully closed, and a "big" one is bin placement. all bins need to be 1 meter away from, basically anything else, parked vehicles, other bins. this is to ensure ease of using the hydraulics to grab the bins, and also to prevent possible damage like scraping someones car or busting a headlight or something. generally this isn't an issue in that, with a bit of practice you get good at grabbing bins even if they're parked right beside each other, or we'll just hop out of our truck, move the bin a little so it's easy to grab and then move it back. reasoning for this is 1: we're not Aholes, and it's just the nice neighborly thing to do since myself and most of my colleagues live in the same community we work and 2: it's actually A LOT of paperwork for us to fill out for violations, so it's significantly easier to just take the 30 seconds to move the bin then the 5 minutes to do all the paperwork to issue a violation ticket. story: we service a community that does both garbage and recycle on the same day, 2 bins, 2 trucks, 2 drivers. most residents will put both bins side by side touching each other (a violation) so what we'll do is which ever truck gets to the location first will grab their bin, dump it then move it maybe a foot or 2 away from the other driver's bin so the second driver has an easier time grabbing it, it saves time for for us, and makes things run smoother. and we don't get complaints from people.... until we do. a resident complained that we were "moving her bins" and word travelled to the higher ups myself and my colleague got disciplined, instructed to places bins back "exactly where we got them from" and then were monitored via our dash cams for a few weeks to ensure compliance and out supervisor would take a trip out to the specific resident who complained after our shift to ensure the bins were not moved. not appreciated being discipled so severely because someone had to take 2 extra steps to get one of her bins we complied to the letter with her request. unfortunately for her she had a habit of placing her bins side by side, which is a spacing violation. so for 2 MONTHS, every week we would get to her residence, bins are side by side, so we can't grab them due to not enough space, fill out paperwork for a violation and place the violation ticket on her bins, and not dump her bins, she finally got the hint after about 2 months and started spacing her bins 3 feet apart, and never complained about us moving her bins again. she also had to pay several small fees for extra pickup, since by the time she figured it out she had several bins full of garbage and regulations are 1 bin dump per resident, anything extra is a not insignificant fee per extra bag. TLDR: woman complained that we moved her garbage bin while collecting her garbage despite us bending the rules to dump her garbage, so we followed rules to the letter and she lived in trash for 2 months. \-edit- fixed words Update: i have a new story i posted [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/EntitledPeople/comments/1przoni/dont_touch_my_garbage_redux/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button). - fair warning, it's not satisfying in the least and does not have a happy ending.​

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie... The man decided to try it out at dinner. Dad: Son, where were you during school hours? Son: At school. The robot slaps the son. Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD. Dad: Which one? Son: Kung Fu Panda The robot slaps the son again. Son: Ok! It was a porno. Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was. The robot slaps the dad. Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all! The robot slaps the mom.

Today i learned that in order to open a zoo, you must have at least 4 pandas, 2 grizzlies, 3 black, 4 brown and 1 polar. Apparently that’s the bear minimum

Looking for jokes that seem inappropriate but turn out to be wholesome. Example: what’s black, white and Asian? A panda!

I have just found out, to start a zoo, you need 2 pandas, 2 grizzlies, 3 polars and a koala. Apparently this is the bear minimum.

A Panda Walks Into A Bar A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Panda Definition A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!' The Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!' At this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street. The manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads: 'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.' Source : A joke book I read somewhere -might be repost... I don't know, I'm new-

A panda walks into a bar... A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie. Dad: Son, where were you at school hours? Son: At school. The robot slaps the son Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again. Son: Okay I was watching violent movies! Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad. Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

Panda A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager and left the restaurant, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!" "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up! "The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

What do you call a bear with diarrhea? Panda Express.

A panda walks into a restaurant A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons. "Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie. A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie. Dad: Son, where were you at school hours? Son: At school. The robot slaps the son. Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda! The robot slaps his son again. Son: Okay I was watching porn! Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad. Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

A panda bear walks into a resturant.. And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

What's the stupidest joke you know? Here's mine: A panda walks into a bar and orders his food and drinks. When he's done, the panda gets up and pulls out a gun, which he then shoots into the ceiling. He promptly leaves. The next day, the panda goes into the same bar, at which point the bartender says, "Hey! You can't come in here after what you did yesterday, you didn't even pay!" To which the panda says, "bartender, look up the definition of a panda in the dictionary." The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads aloud, "panda - eats shoots and leaves."

A panda walks into a bar... Panda sits down and starts eating some peanuts out of a dish on the bar. A few minutes later, he pulls out an uzi and starts firing at all the customers. Panda gets up, and lumbers out of the bar. A few days later, the same panda walks back into the same bar. He sits at the bar and starts having some pretzels. A few moments later he pulls out a shotgun, and BLAM! BLAM! More dead customers, and off our panda goes into the night. A week later, same panda, same bar. Panda sits down, picks up a handful of macadamia nuts, and the bartender says, "Hey! Panda! What the hell do you think you're doing? I've barely got any customers left after what you've done. You've got a lot of nerve coming back in here." The panda eats a few more nuts and stares blankly at the bartender. The bartender yells, "Well don't you have anything to say for yourself?!?" The panda stands up and says, "What can I say? I'm a panda. Look it up." Pulls out and AK-47, kills everyone but the bartender, and out the door he goes. The bartender is beside himself, but the panda has piqued his curiosity. He goes and gets an encyclopedia. He opens to the entry on pandas and reads: Panda: Mammal. Eats Shoots and Leaves. Edit for spelling

So a panda walks into a bar Orders a salad and just after paying his bill whips out a Gloc and shoots one of the other bar patrons. The bartender asks what the hell his problem is and the panda says "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" then grabs his coat and walks out the door. The bartender not knowing what else to do looks up "panda" in the dictionary it reads pan·da ˈpandə/ noun a large endangered bearlike mammal with characteristic black and white markings, native to certain mountain forests of central and western China. Eats shoots and leaves.

A panda walks into a restaurant A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

A panda walks into a bar sits down and asks the bartender for food. after eating, gets up, takes out a gun and kills the bartender. as he is leaving, a shocked onlooker asks him "why did you do that?" and he answers "Hey. I'm a Panda. It's what I do." in confusion, they look it up in an encyclopedia. Panda. Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.

A panda goes to a prostitute A panda goes to a prostitute because he was feeling a bit horny. He goes down on her for about 10 minutes, ejaculates all over her, and heads for the door. She yells at him to stop because he owes her money. She tells him if you look up prostitute in the dictionary it says a person who gets paid to engage in sexual acts for money. To which he replies, if you look up Panda in the dictionary it says an animal that eats shoots and leaves.

A panda walks into a bar He tells the bartender, "I'll have a scotch and....................................................a coke, thank you." "Sure thing," replied the bartender, "but why the big pause?" "I was born with them," says the panda raising his paws.

So a panda walks into a restaurant.... sits down and begins looking at the menu. The waiter quite taken aback by this panda decides he doesn't look dangerous and takes his order. The panda eats his meal, takes out a handgun, shoots a few rounds off and gets up to leave. The waiter now freaking out asks the panda "Why would you do that?!?" In which the panda replies "look it up" and hands him a really crappy looking dictionary. The waiter thumbs through it and finds the word "Panda" It says: Panda: a bear-like mammal that Eats, shoots and leaves.

They are going to rename Air Force One, Panda Express because it’s got Orange Chicken onboard.

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich... After finishing his meal, he tries to pull out a gun, but the owner shoots him dead because he's seen this joke on /r/jokes a hundred times.

I found a substance that works like catnip, except only for Chinese bears I'd release it, but that would cause pandamoanium.

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She comes over and talks to the panda, and eventually the two of them go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" says the panda. The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A panda walks into a restaurant A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door. " Hey, you just shot my waiter and didn't even pay for your meal!" screams the manager. The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up." As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary: Panda- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia. Eats chutes and leaves.

Panda Joke A panda walks into a brothel and is looking for a girl to have sex with, he looks through all the people and eventually picks one. The panda and the woman go upstairs and do what brothels are meant for, but when they finish the panda runs away as fast as he can This happens several times until the owner of the brothel finally stops him. "You need to pay all the money you owe!" "What?" replied the panda. "These are prostitutes! Do you know what that means?" asked the owner. "No" says the panda. "Well look it up!" screams the owner. So the panda looks it up and it says "Has sex for money." The panda then gets a brilliant idea, "I'm a panda, look it up." The panda then leaves. The owner, so furious, looks it up and it says under panda "Eats bush and leaves."

So a panda walks into a bar A panda walks into a bar one day and orders a sandwich. The server brings it over to him, and he eats it quietly. The panda then pulls out a gun, and shoots the server. The bartender stands up in shock and ask him just what the hell he thinks he's doing. The panda simply replies, "I'm a panda, dumbass, look it up". Then the panda gets up and exits the bar. So the bartender goes home, fires up his computer, and Googles 'panda'. He looks on Wikipedia and the description reads: Large black and white bear. Eats shoots and leaves. EDIT: ****shoots instead of chutes. I'm not that good at connotations

WALKS INTO A BAR... RANDY PANDA A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A panda goes out to dinner A panda goes out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. After finishing his meal he stands up, pulls out his gun, shoots the waiter, and begins to leave. Frantically, the manager stops the panda and says, "what did the waiter do? ! Why did you shoot him? You can't just shoot people, I'm calling the police". Confused, the panda replies, "Um, I'm a panda. It's what I do. Look it up". So the waiter pulls out his smartphone and looks up panda. Sure enough, right there before his eyes he sees 'Panda - indigenous to southern China. Eats shoots and leaves'.

A married pair of Biologists are camping in China... And after a long day of cataloging the various flora and fauna, they get down to a little love making... When suddenly, the man feels an ungodly pressure in his stomach. He leaves hastily to the woods to find a suitable place to relieve himself, leaving his wife alone in the tent. Outside the tent, she can hear a rustling, and after a few tense moments, a Panda sticks its head through the tent flap. It lurches in, tears off the woman's blanket and swiftly goes about licking her lady parts with incredible skill. Needless to say the woman is flabbergasted, but is taken by the sheer skill of the Panda's tongue, when suddenly, the Panda perks up its ears and scurries out of the tent and into the wilderness. The man returns moments later, having heard her cries of passion... Amid gasps, she tells him about the Panda and its strange behavior. The man flips through his handbook to the section on Pandas to glean further information... "Panda: An Asian species of bear, native to China. Eats bushes and leaves."

Why do pandas have black eyes? SHE FELL, DAMNIT! God! What is with all the fucking questions?

A koala, a bear and a panda owned tea shops... But which one was the best? The Koala's, as it was the most Koala-Tea.

What did the doctor tell the panda bear after the results of his child's paternity test came back? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the results are a bit grizzly.

A panda bear walks into a fancy bar... The Panda Bear is seated at the finest table in the place and is greeted by the bar's best waitress. The Panda Bear orders the most expensive bottle of wine and steak on the menu. As he finished his last bite of steak, the waitress asks, "How was your meal?" Without saying a word the Panda Bear pulls out a gun and and shoots the waitress and begins to walk out the door. The owner of the bar quickly confronts the Panda and says, "What the hell did you shoot my best waitress for?!" The Panda replies, "it's my nature" and walks out of the bar. Stunned the resourceful owner runs to the back and grabs his encyclopedia and reads...Panda: large bear that eats shoots and leaves

A panda walks into a bar Sits down orders a sandwich. Bartender gets the sandwich from the cook in the back shortly later. The panda finished his sandwich. Gets up. Walks to the back. Shoots the cook in the head and leaves out the back door. The guy at the end of the bar freaks out "what the hell is going on man". Bartender shrugs his shoulders "it's a panda, eats, shoots, and leaves".

Walks into a bar. .... A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."

A list of hilarious ambiguous headlines All of these are from http://www.fun-with-words.com/ambiguous_headlines.html PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS 12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

Well played panda, well played. A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats, shoots and leaves."

A panda walks into a bar... A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Where do Pandas live? On the road to Extinction.

A man buys a lie detecting robot. A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people that lie and decides to try it out at dinner Man: son, where were you today? Son: at school. The robot slaps him. Son: OKAY, I watched a dvd at my mates. Man: which one? Son: Kung fu panda 2. The robot slaps him. Son: OK! It was a porno. Dad: What?! When I was your age I didnt even know what porn was. The robot slaps him. Mother: hahahaha, after all he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

Why do Pandas have such a hard time mating in captivity? Because all of their broads are in Atlanta

What's the most obvious name you can give a Panda? Pan, duh!

What goes Black-White, Black-White, Black-White? A panda bear rolling down a hill.

What's a panda's favorite kitchen dish? A pan....duh

"Prostitute: Has sex for money." A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.” ― Various, 101 Dirty Jokes - sexual and adult's jokes

Good News: The Giant Panda is no longer considered 'Endangered'. Bad News: It's now considered 'Extinct'.

Have you heard that China's panda project is disastrously failing? All of the pandas are dying of pneumonia. It's causing pandaneumonium.

A panda walks into a restaurant... A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A panda walks into a bar and orders a bowl of beer nuts from the bartender. After finishing his meal, the panda whips out an enormous .45 Magnum and lets off six rounds into the ceiling. !BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG! As soon as the report of the last round had finished echoing around the bar, the panda rose from his stool. He looks around the bar, then hops onto all-fours and hobbles out of the building. The other patrons of the bar were paralyzed with fear, even after the assailant had left. Finally, breaking the silence, the bartender pulls out a dictionary, flips open to a page, and puts the book on the bar. "Here," he says, and invites the others to come have a look. _____ pan-da, *noun* \ˈpan-də\ :Eats chutes and leaves.

What do you call it when trash pandas pleasure each other orally? Coonilingus

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you". "Sure thing" the bartender replies and asks "but what's with the big pause?" The panda holds up his hands and says "I was born with them"

What's a panda's favourite drink? Bambooze

What do you call an all panda furry orgy? Panda-moan-ium

What's black, white, asian, and mexican? A lazy panda.

How many pandas does it take to screw in a light bulb? Technically, just two, but it is really hard to get them to breed in captivity.

A panda walks into a restaurant A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a zebra steak. Halfway through the waiter comes to check in if the food is ok. The panda stands up, pulls out a gun and planta a bullet between the waiters eyes, blowing his brains out, then proceeds to walk towards the door. The owner of the restaurant comes running out from behind the bar, screaming "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? KILLING MY WAITER AND LEAVING WITHOUT EVEN PAYING FOR YOUR STEAK?", To which the panda replies "Dude, chill, Im a panda, what did you expect?". The owner quickly gets up the wiki page for panda on his phone and reads the description "The panda is a shy animal of asian origins, eats: shoots and leaves"

Panda Two guys are walking in a bamboo forest when the spot a panda. One says to the other "Dude, that panda just ate an entire bamboo shoot!" The panda then pulls out a gun and shoots the one man. The other man says "Why did you shoot my friend?" The panda tosses him an encyclopedia and says "I'm a panda, look it up." The panda bear walks off as the man skims through the pages. He finds the panda entry and reads it aloud. "Panda Bear: Eats bamboo, shoots, and leaves."

Look it up in the dictionary A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door. The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand." The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door. So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads: "panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves."

3 Bears walk into a bar I made up this joke in the shower the other day and have been trying to decide if it is a Great Bad joke or an Awful real joke. I hope you have an opinion on it. A Black Bear, a Grizzly Bear, and a Panda walk into a bar. The Black bear walks up to the bartender and says, "Excuse me sir, do you have any honey?" The bartender says, "Sorry man, this is a bar. We don't serve honey." The black bear says "Fine then! I'll take my business elsewhere!" and storms out. After a moment, the grizzly bear walks up to the bar and says "Excuse me, do you have any salmon?" The bartender sighs, and says "sorry man, we don't have any salmon." Irritated, the Grizzly bear says 'Well then, I'm going to have to take my business elsewhere" and storms out. The panda bear, who'd been watching the whole time walks up to the bar and plops down on a stool. He looks at the bartender and says "Jeez - those guys. Bunch of Amateurs, right?" The bartender is a bit relieved as he says "Totally dude. Anyway, what can I get for you?" The panda thinks for a minute and says "Oh, nothing fancy. I'll just take some bamboo."

Punctuation! A panda escapes the zoo and hooks up with some chick at a bar. They start out with 69. He's eating this chick's pussy, but the blow job is so good he cums. Then he just gets up and starts to head out the door. Chick says, "Hey, where you going?" Panda says, "I'm a panda, look it up." So she gets a dictionary....looks up panda. Sure enough it says: panda. Pronounced pan-duh. Noun. Bear-like animal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

A Panda walks into a bar where a man and a woman had already been sharing drinks. They whip their heads around and exclaim, "A panda! Bartender, there's a panda in here!" Not wanting to be rude, the bartender invites the panda to have a seat at the bar. The panda, to the disbelief of those watching, orders a beer and some wings and enjoys his tasty meal while the man and woman gawk in amazement. When it comes time to pay the bill, the panda gets up, pulls out a gun, shoots the bartender, and runs off into the night. Police are on the scene immediately and have trouble believing the man and woman's story, that a panda had come in, ordered wings, and shot the bartender. It wasn't until a zoologist was brought onto the scene that the story became clear. After hearing the full story the zoologist seemed to understand perfectly. "Aw, that makes perfect sense," said the zoologist. "Really? How does it make any sense at all," asked the police officer. "Well, you see," replies the zoologist, "It's just the panda's nature. A panda eats shoots and leaves."

Why do trash pandas always get into a fight? They trash talk.

Did you hear about the gangster panda? It eats shoots and leaves.

A panda walks into a bar... A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the bartender, and leaves. As he gets outside, someone on the sidewalk asks why he would do such a horrible thing. The panda replies, "Look up panda in the dictionary. It says eats chutes and leaves."

I told my parents I wanted a panda for christmas. all I got was a white x6

Adult Panda “A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

Hey good looking, you remind me of a panda bear it seems like you haven't had a good fuck in years.

Punctuation matters The panda eats shoots and leaves. The panda eats, shoots and leaves. #thuglifepanda

The Lie Detector A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people that lie and decides to test it at dinner. Dad: Son, where were you during school hours? Son: School! The robot slaps the son. Son: Fine! I was watching a dvd at my friends! Dad: Which one? Son: Kung Fu Panda The robot slaps the son. Son:Ok! It was porn! Dad: What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was at your age! The robot slaps the Dad. Mom: After all he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

What do you call a Bear who is just learning to use the force? A PANDAwan learner.

What do you call a Panda who eats, shoots, and leaves? A Pandit. (bandit) OC by BatManBenJamIn

What do you call a con artist panda? A bamboozler

Panda and a Prostitute A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?" The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. ' The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

What was Rudolf Hess' favorite band? Spandau Ballet

What happens when an aquarium leaks into a zoo? It becomes OTTER PANDA-monium

Panda in a restaurant A panda walks into a restaurant, asking for a table for one. The waitress takes him over to his table and he starts to make his order....... "1 bamboo shoot with leaf salad, please". She walks off and within minutes she is placing his fresh food on his table. As the Panda finishes his meal, he stands up, pulls a gun out and shoots the waitress in the head, then walks out casually. 10 minutes later the police are questioning the manager. All he can say is "w..w...well... o... officer.... A pa... pa... pa... panda bear just walked In here a... a... and shot my beautiful waitress in the head. This has scarred my soul!" The police officer turns to the manager and says "Awh is that all?". "What do you mean?" says the manager. "Just check the dictionary for panda". *checks dictionary * Panda. Eats shoots and leafs I'll show myself the door... Edit: spelling

**Chat up line** I make love like a Panda, Baby !!! I eat, shoots & Leaves ...

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action forthe night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex,the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house."You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up:"Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm apanda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads,"Panda: Eats bush and leaves.

A clothier opened a business in Utah He is selling exploding clip-on ties to mormons. I asked how is business? He said prophets are blowing up. Source: This is a corruption of a joke from sexypandalord. Most mormons are fine upstanding people and i do not advocate violence against them. Except for Bill.

A Basketball player walks into a bar... ...sits down and orders a club sandwich. He eats the club, gets up, drools, spins around, pulls out a pistol and shoots the newly hired piano player and starts to run back home! The bartender dumbfounded and angered that this is the third time this happens this week, "not this again, fucking pandas and koalas what's up with this ball player" So he chases the player down and yells "Hey you just ate my club sandwich, drooled all over the place, spun around and shot my new piano player" The player replies "hey I'm a basketball player look it up". The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up basketball player. The dictionary said " a man who dribbles spins and shoots and then heads home side"

>> Sorry, Lars got out of the car during the drive-thru Safari Park. is lying on a panda bear right now. I want one. It's going to be safe. I know it's going to be safe. >> Meanwhile, his head's going to come off when he's 58.

What's black and white and as hard as a rock? A panda that's fallen in cement.

What's black and white and red all over? A sunburnt panda.

Yo mama so black, fat, and hairy she had sex with a white boy and gave birth to a panda bear.

Why do pandas have fur coats? Because they'd look stupid in denim jackets.

What's a Chinese bear's favorite expendable organ? The panda-creas!

What goes white black white black white black red? A panda that falls from a cliff.

Why did the panda date a Victoria Secret model? She had really big bamboobs.

What do chinese bears eat for breakfast? Panda-cakes!

And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.'

Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo? It was Panda-monium.

The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."