50+ Painter Jokes

Bet you’re sorry now! Many years ago, after decades of saving, my husband and I were doing well enough to finally build our dream home. After we moved in, we still had to have our yard leveled and sodded and arranged it early the next spring. That night, I was out watering the backyard sod when I saw my neighbours wife, Chris, using a measuring tape between our homes. I asked her if everything was okay and she said that we had sodded a section of their yard. I told her we had followed the sticks that the builder had left. She said the builders must have screwed up and rudely insisted that we had stolen part of their yard. Not wanting to have an ongoing beef with her and her husband, Keith, we agreed to have our property re-surveyed. When we did, we got one hell of a surprise. The actual property line wasn’t halfway between our two houses as we believed, it was about a foot and a half away from the side of their house. They owned a construction company and had built their house too close to the property line. This was an insane mistake for a professional! Still wanting to be good neighbours, we offered to split the cost and labour of a “good neighbour” fence using one of the 4 accepted fence styles allowed. My husband kept asking Keith when he wanted to start but he always had one excuse after another. Then Keith rudely told Dan to stop bothering him. Dan was furious. He bought all the materials and built the fence himself. He had been planning to put the fence halfway between our houses but our neighbour was so rude that Dan built the fence just inside our property line making the neighbours house look terrible. The neighbours husband came over pissed as hell but Dan reminded him that HE and his wife wanted a new property survey and HE had put off the fence for months. Our fence was magnificent, because Dan was a carpenter and I’m a great painter. The neighbours husband built a fence next to ours but it was ugly, badly built and not one of the approved designs. He was forced to tear it down later. Edit: Changed names for privacy

Sometimes it's not really smarr to be safe I used to work in the oilfield and safety is actually enforced a lot. But sometimes people are too zealous. We were working in south Texas near the border. In the summer it's 100°+ with raging humidity. Heat index can hit 110°+. You had to wear flame resistant gear, pants and long sleeve shirt that are really thick, if you were near a well. We were working on a location before they drilled, before they even brought the rig in. Nothing is out there. That means regular clothes. We have the company we're working for safety manager pull up on us and demand we put on our frs (flame resistant clothing from earlier). Mind you were in the middle of nowhere, with nothing around us, just land. I explained that, but he wasn't having it. So due to safety concerns we take a 15 minute break every 5 minutes of work. What was a couple hours job took a couple days. I made sure and got the safety guys signature, but after the second day he got real nervous and asked what was taking so long. I told him we couldn't be too safe. I then asked him to monitor our urine to make sure we were hydrated, didn't want to get dehydrated. He balked at that lol. When the company man got the bill for setup he lost his shit. I got to see the safety guy get berated and they explained how dumb he was. The rules were then changed to include frs only around well sites. I have another run in with the same guy demanding a tyvek suit when refueling equipment. That's a painter's overall suit that doesn't breathe at all. Mind you diesel won't catch fire without a lot of help. It's flashpoint is super high. We agreed that safety must come first, so in the same heat we charged $500 an hour and took the same breaks bc that was really hot as shit. I paid the guy doing it $85 an hour for his troubles. We got about 45 minutes in before that rule got changed as well. Guy that worked for me was pissed he didn't get more hours doing that. Point to these is you have to use your brain when thinking about safety.

A not so shitty story A man walks into the doctor's office stating "Doc, I haven't had a shit in weeks". The doctor, does a normal check up, and upon finding the man to be okay, prescribes him some laxatives. Two weeks later, the same guy walks into the office saying "Doc, I still can't shit". The doctor does another check up on him, and this time prescribes him some extremely powerful laxatives. Another two weeks pass and the same guy walks in saying, "Doc, I still can't shit". Fearing the worst, the doctor then starts asking him about his family history and his background. The doctor then gets to the question, "What's your occupation?" "Well I'm a artist," he states. "A painter by trade." The doctor then laughs, "That makes sense! Here's five dollars, go eat something".

Two men contracted to paint a small community church. Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of thesteeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

The Dead Painter A detective was called to investigate the death of a house painter. The case seemed pretty open-and-shut... it appeared the painter had broken his neck after falling from his ladder. But, just to be thorough, the detective asked around to see if there were any witnesses to the tragedy. A young boy replied that he had, indeed, witnessed the death. The detective asked him, "Did you see how he died?" "Yes sir," the boy replied. "He died because he took the Lord's name in vain." The detective was confused. "How did he die from that? What did he say?" "He said, 'HEY KID, QUIT SHAKING THE GODDAMNED LADDER!'"

My friend decided to take up wood working and he heard this joke at his new work place A joiner makes sure that what he makes fits with the rest down to the tenth of a millimeter. A carpenter makes sure it fits down to a millimeter. A mason makes sure it fits down to the centimeter. If the painter makes it to the right address, it's a good thing.

Lenin in Poland An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." The artist is confused; "Lenin never went to Poland" he claims. The commissioner doesnt care about the facts however, and just wants the painting. When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Nadezhda Krupskaya (Lenin's wife) naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. One guest asks, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic... He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated. The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter, and Rembrandt was crap at making violins."

Custer's Last Thought There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all. One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore. He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a picture of Custer's last thought." The painter thinks for a moment, agrees, and tells the man to call back in a week. The next week the man gets a call from the painter, inviting him to come over to his gallery. The man quickly drives over to the painter's gallery, and looks at the painting. It was of a fish jumping out of a small pool of water, with a halo on it. And surrounding the pool, there were literally hundreds of native Americans engaged in sexual intercourse. The man admires it for a bit more, then asks the painter, "what does this have to do with Custer's last thought?" The painter says "It does look complex, but the concept is quite simple. Holy mackerel that's a lot of fucking Indians."

Colonel Custer's widow [NSFW, language] Heard this on the Sopranos, hopefully won't screw it up. A few weeks after his death, Col. Custer's widow felt it necessary to commemorate her late husband. She found one of the best painters of the time and asked him to paint a mural of Custer's final moments. A month goes by and the painting is finished. When the widow goes to see it she is shocked. "What is this?" she asked. "It's just a cow with a halo and a bunch of indians having sex." The painter replies "I did what you asked and portrayed Custer's final moments, this is a depiction of what he was thinking. 'Holy cow! look at all those fucking indians.'"

Painting in the nude "Meister Rembrandt," said Lady Catharina, "thank you for agreeing to paint me, but there is one thing we have not yet discussed." Rembrandt stopped his preparations and looked up enquiringly. "Yes," she continued. "I would like you to paint me in the nude." The old painter was about to object when she continued, "No, I insist. I will pay 1000 gulders extra. Please do not think to refuse me." He replied, "Well, this is a very unusual request, so please give me a moment to consult with my wife." He returned smiling a few minutes later, and said, "All right, my wife says it is fine, but you'll have to let me keep my socks on, because of my bad chest." (source: theoddestbox.com)

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes. End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says. Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks. End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?" "Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.

I can use some help with some painting . . . A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm. When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, “Can you spare me something to eat? I haven’t eaten in several days and I'm not picky.” The farmer says, “I never give anything away for free. I can give you food and even a place to stay tonight in the barn, but only if you're willing to work for it. The porch out back really needs a new coat of paint. Interested?” "Oh, yes sir," the man says. An hour later the newly minted painter returns. The farmer is impressed. “That was fast! Come on in and sit down, and I'll bring you a nice bowl of soup and some fresh bread.” The painter says, “Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it the opportunity to earn this food. But there's something I need to say. Please don't be offended, but I have to tell you something important; you need to hear this. It’s not a Porsche you got there. It’s a BMW.”

What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.

Everyday my wife is complaining about something, Last week I came home from a hard day at work, only to be awaited by my wife who was ready to spit some complaints at me. The stairs are almost falling apart, go fix it! she says. Do I look like a handyman I say. She storms angry out of the room. The next day I get home from work again to be awaited by my wife, she says: The walls upstairs are getting yellow because of all the cigars you smoke, go paint the wall! Do I look like a painter, I say. Furiously she walks away. The day after that I come home again from an exhausting day at work. My wife says: the shower is leaking and the toilet doesn't flush anymore. I look her in the eyes and say: Do I look like a plumber? This time she remains calm and leaves the room quiet. The following day I come home from work, only to see the stairs fixed, the toilet working and the walls painted white. I say to my wife: Wow, you have been pretty busy I suppose! No she replied, the neighbour next door helped me do all this. I ask her: What nice of him, what did you have to do in order to get him so far? Well, she says, I could either bake him a cake, or give him the time of his life. I ask her: Well what kind of cake did you bake? She replies by saying: Do I look like a baker?

A painter got a call... from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I sad yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."

Made this up while laying in bed and yes it's bad. I apologize in advance A 35 year old house painter walks out of his home on a snowy winter day but quickly scurries back inside and says with a grin on his face "It likes like I'M the one that needs another coat today"

Shlemiel the Painter Shlemiel gets a job as a street painter, painting the dotted lines down the middle of the road. On the first day he takes a can of paint out to the road and finishes 300 yards of the road. "That's pretty good!" says his boss, "you're a fast worker!" and pays him a kopeck. The next day Shlemiel only gets 150 yards done. "Well, that's not nearly as good as yesterday, but you're still a fast worker. 150 yards is respectable," and pays him a kopeck. The next day Shlemiel paints 30 yards of the road. "Only 30!" shouts his boss. "That's unacceptable! On the first day you did ten times that much work! What's going on?" "I can't help it," says Shlemiel. "Every day I get farther and farther away from the paint can!" Source: http://www.joelonsoftware.com/articles/fog0000000319.html

I started studying art history. I'm really learning a lot. This painter named 'Renaissance' is just amazing.

There was a Scottish painter... There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Road Painter A man wants a line painted down the middle of a private road, so he posts an advertisement for a road painter. Only one person calls him to apply for the job. When he interviews the applicant, the man can tell that the guy is dim-witted, but since he is the only person available for the job he decides to hire him anyway. The next day, the man shows the guy where he wants the line to begin. "Start here," he says, plunking down five buckets of paint and a roller, "and paint a four inch line down the middle of the road." The man comes back the next day, and is amazed to see that the guy has painted a clean white line down the middle of the road, nearly the length of a football field. "Great job!" he exclaims, "Well done!" The man comes back the following day, but is dismayed to see that the guy has only added a quarter of the length of a football field to his first effort. "What happened?" he asks, "The first day you covered a fantastic distance, but today only a little more." "Well," replies the dimwit, "I kept getting farther away from the buckets."

How do painters stay warm? They add another coat.

A rich snail goes into a car shop... He picks out a super fast car and says, "I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, "Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, 'Wow! Look at that escargot!'"

Why was Hitler such a bad painter He could only paint reichtangles

A man is wakes up in a strange place... And the only landmark is a fence. Seeing as he has no idea where he is, he follows the fence hopin there is a phone or something to help him get out of there. As he's following the fence, he starts noticing how beautifully made it is. Exceptional woodworking, perfectly complimentary staining, etc. He continues to follow the fence until he reaches a bar. As he's walking in he notices how beautiful the sign is. Excellent paint job, perfect framing, etc. He walks in and sits down. "What can I getcha?" asked the bartender. "Actually, do you have a phone?" replied the man. As the bartender left to go fetch a phone the man noticed the quality of the bar. Great heft, classic look, etc. The bartender comes back with the phone and the man compliments the bartender on his bar. "Thanks, I made it myself." "Really?" the man paused, "it's very beautiful." "Well thanks, but do they call me John the barmaker? Nooooo! I made the sign out front, too." "Both of them? You're very talented," remarked the man. "Maybe, but do they call me John the signpainter? Nooooo!" "You wouldn't happen to have made the fence leading here? It was the nicest fence I think I've ever seen!" the man complimented. "Actually, I did. It's my masterpiece. But do they call me John the fencebuilder? Nooooo!" The man continued dialing the phone as the barkeep under his breath says, "but you fuck one goat..."

Needed a new paint job My house needed a new paint job on the outside so I called up a painter and he came and a did a couple hours of work. Knowing how expensive painters usually are I begrudgingly asked "So how much is this gonna bankrupt me" He replied "Nothing it's on the house!"

What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam? Muhammad Dali

DAY LABORER One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

A man hires a painter to paint a mural on his wall... He wants the mural to be about Custer's Last Stand and instructs the painter he'd like to have it done within the week. A couple days pass and the painter shows the man his final painting, who is shocked at what he sees. A giant cow with a halo on his head, surrounded by a bunch of Native Americans participating in sexual acts graced his old wall. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" screams the man. "I was trying to figure out what Custer would've been thinking." replies the painter. "And exactly what did you think he was thinking?" "Holy cow look at all these fucking Indians!"

There was this really talented female painter and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend over to show it to her. The friend saw it and said, "Wow this is really great! But I have just one question, why was this painted mostly in red?" "Well I used my menstrual blood to paint most of it." The painter replied. Her friend just stared at her in horror. She continued to explain, "Its a period piece you see."

What do you get if you cross a Boxer and a Painter? Mohammed Dali

What did the car-painter say to the carpenter? "You sound just like me!"

Custer's Last Thought There was a man who was a fanatic and collector of Old Western artifacts, documents, etc. Cowboys and Indians, this guy wanted it all. After a while of staring at his already large collection, he thinks for a moment and suddenly gets and idea on how to increase it furthermore. So he calls up a painter and asks "I want you to paint me a picture describing Custer's Last Thought." The painter thinks for a moment, and replies with "Alright. I'll tell you when it's done." After a few days, the collector receives a phone call from the painter asking him to come to his gallery. The collector drives over to the painter's gallery, and the painting is on display. The collector marvels at it for a bit, but is confused on the concept of it. The painting had a small pool of water in the center of it, with a fish jumping out of it while wearing a halo. And around the pool, there were literally thousands of Native Americans engaged in sexual intercourse. The collector marvels at it for a bit more and then asks what the concept of the painting was. The painter replies "Well the concept is quite simple. 'Holy mackerel that's a lot of fuckin' Indians.'"

Blonde painter A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. "I'm here for the paint job," she said. "Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house." The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating. After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a Ferrari.

I just got my roof painted. The painters worked all day long, when I asked them how much I had to pay, they just replied, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house. "

What did the painter do when he was angry? He made a scene.

Why did the painter from Boston have trouble making friends? He was way too autistic for his own good.

Custer's Last Stand For the anniversary of Custer's last stand, a historical society decided to commission a painting of the fateful day. They hired an impressionist painter to paint the huge mural that would hang at the site of Little Big Horn. The particular painter they hired said he would do it, as long as no one could see the painting until the unveiling. The day comes, and everyone is waiting for the big reveal. When the painter removes the covering, everyone is extremely upset by what they see, a cow in the sky with a halo above it, and on the ground, hundreds of Native American's fornicating. The historical society asks 'What were you thinking?!' and the painter responded. 'I wanted to capture what I felt Custer was thinking when he came across the battlefield that morning, which was, 'HOLY COW, WHERE'D ALL THESE FUCKING INDIANS COME FROM?'

Why Couldn't the Painter Make Money at Comic-Con? Nobody wanted to deal with a con artist.

What do you call a painter with a brown finger? Picasso

Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter? Vincent Van Cough

Painting contractor.. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Did you hear about the Mexican painter who lost two fingers? After the incident, he could only tres.

Painter sees a critic standing in front of his painting... Walks up to him and asks "What's your opinion of my painting?" Critic: "It's worthless!" Painter: "Yeah I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway"

Road painters are not the kind of friends you should be around... They do lines all day.

A man is recruited to paint another man's porch... ...And he agrees to do so. After a few hours, the painter rings the doorbell, and the man answers. He sees his work, and is completely furious. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" yells the man. The painter replies, "I've finished painting. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a ferrari."

A model asked a painter girl "Why do you always paint me in black and white" "There is no u in color" She said

What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? One is a carpenter and one is a car painter

A Well Cezanne'd Joke Two French painters walked into a bar because they're down on their luck and they heard that at this place in particular the drinks were cheap and the women were Toulouse. They were having a great time, probably too good. The painters were getting a bit rowdy, and the bartender handed them their tab and told them get out. The men reached into their pockets only to realize they had no Monet, so Degas up and left.

Hospitalized Painter Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? His doctor says it was due to too many strokes.

A Romantic Novel for Artists I wrote a romance novel. It's called, "She Fell In Love With A Painter, But He Gave Her The Brush."

Giotto, the painter, was still in school when his father went to look out for his final results. He went to the Italian teacher and asked "Miff, How if my fon doing in Italian?" and she replied: "You son can't write a single sentence without mistaking something, he can't even read properly!". Pissed off, he went to the maths teacher and asked: "Fir, how if my fon at mathf?" and the teacher replied: "I consider it a lucky day when your son can count to 10 while his classmates are already studying calculus!". Even more sad, his father went to the Arts teacher and asked: "Miff, how if my fon at painting?" and she, with a big smile, replied: "Your son, Mr, is a genius. One day he dew a butterfly on the blackboard and it looked so real that everybody went to catch it", to which his father replied: "Don't tell me Miff, one day he drew a puffy on the ftove!". Sorry for my bad English, the original joke was meant to be said verbally, to better accentuate the burnt-tongue effect.

What do post-impressionist painters sing when painting a Frozen landscape? Let it Gogh!

House Painter I was a house painter for five years, I never thought I was going to get that house painted.

Jackson Pollock - great painter piss poor pictionary partner

A landscaper, roofer and painter are all arguing with each other about how to start renevating a house Meanwhile the owner is wondering why the Hispanic is sitting there yelling at himself

I was a house painter for five years I didn't think I'd ever finish that fucking house

The blonde painter A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats ". et. goofyjokes.com

Who is the richest painter ever? Monet.

What do you call a painter with a mental disability? An autist.

Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he didn't have an ear for music.

What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya.

Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares! Well if I were a painter, I'd put you down in paint. I'd hang you by the Mona Lisa and put that girl to shame. Mo Monet.....More Problems. If it aint Baroque, then don't fix it. The Earth without art is just Eh. Lark Voorhies was halfway done with her portrait when she ran out of paint. She opened her drawer and was "Saved By The Pastels". Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.

Painter Meets His Maker A painter and decorator has been thinning down his paint for years, but charging his clients the full price. There is a roll of thunder and a voice booms from heaven – Re-paint, re-paint, and thin no more!!

Well if I were a painter, I'd put you down in paint. I'd hang you by the Mona Lisa and put that girl to shame.

Two weeks later he returns asking for the gynecologist. They tell him that he has found employment and is no longer with them and that they now have painters looking for work. The owner of the painting company tells them that he really needs the gynecologist. They ask him why? He tells them that two weeks earlier he took the gynecologist down to the job site and the front door was locked - he had no key. That guy painted the entire house through the keyhole!

Why did the painter butter his toast with his fingers? To feel its texture.

What does a painter sing when he's in Dire Straits? "Monet for Nothing".

Robert Russell = Jack (Excellent wicketkeeper/ batsman for Gloucestershire and England. Also an excellent painter)

Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art.

What's the main difference between an electrician and a painter? An electrician washes his hands AFTER he has gone potty, but a painter washes his hands BEFORE he goes potty.

Did you hear about the painters messy house? It was "a work-in-progress.....

Who was the shark's favorite Norwegian painter? Edvard Munch!

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Here are marriage jokes about good husbands as well: The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. ‘You did a great job,’ he said and handed the man his money. ‘Also, in order to thank you, here’s an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie.’ Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the painter had forgotten something the man asked, ‘What’s the matter, did you forget something?’ ‘Nope.’ replied the painter. ‘I’m just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked.’

What is the definition of disgusting? Seeing a painter bite his nails.

Q: What's red and goes up and down? A: A tomato in an elevator. Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue? A: We have to stick together. Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster? A: Hello, hello. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer. Q: When is a baseball player like a thief? A: When he steals a base. Q: What did the can say to the can opener? A: You make me flip my lid. Q: What is a volcano? A: A mountain with the hiccups. Q: What do you find at the end of everything? A: The letter "g". Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe? A: He called a toe truck. Q: Why do two skunks argue? A: Because they like to kick up a stink. Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier? A: You can count on me. Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street? A: Put them in a barking lot. Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on? A: He wanted to be a cool cat. Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack and I'll plaster you. Q: Why is baseball like a cake? A: They both need batters. Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion? A: Take me to your weeder. Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins? A: Slippers! Q: What did the rug say to the floor? A: I've got you covered! Q: How do you make antifreeze? A: You steal her blanket. Q: Why does a cow wear a bell? A: Because her horns don't work.

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? A: Eileen. Q: What do you call a boy with one foot in the door? A: Justin. Q: What do you call a girl who gambles? A: Betty. Q: What do you call a girl with one foot on either side of the river? A: Bridget. Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a girl with only one pants leg? A: Jean. Q: What do you call a man who's a talented painter? A: Art. Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head? A: Jack. Q: What do you call a lady in the distance? A: Dot. Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? A: Lily. Q: What do you call a man with numbers down his front? A: Bill. Q: What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? A: Russel. Q: What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head? A: Warren. Q: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? A: Cliff. Q: What do you call a man who steals a lot? A: Robin.

Painter: "Y'are a dog." Apemantus: "Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"

60 The famous British one-eyed Admiral was Nelson 61 The earlier name of Sri Lanka was Ceylon 62 The UNO was formed in the year 1945 63 UNO stands for United Nations Organisation 64 The independence day of South Korea is celebrated on 15th August 65 `Last Judgement'was the first painting of an Italian painter named Michelangelo 66 'Paradise Regained' was written by John Milton 67 The first President of Egypt was Mohammed Nequib 68 The first man to reach North Pole was Rear Admiral Peary 69 The most famous painting of Pablo Picasso was Guernica 70 The primary producer of newsprint in the world is Canada 71 The first explorer to reach the South Pole was Cap. Ronald Amundson 72 The person who is called the father of modern Italy is Giuseppe Garibaldi 73 World literacy day is celebrated on 8th September 74 The founder of modern Germany is Bismarck 75 The country known as the land of the midnight sun is Norway 76 The place known as the Roof of the World is Tibet 77 The founder of the Chinese Republic was San Yat Sen 78 The first Pakistani to receive the Nobel Prize was Abdul Salam 79 The first woman Prime Minister of Britain was Margaret Thatcher

In the city of Gilacopa during the year of 1832 there was a great poet. He wrote some of the most beautiful poems the world had ever known. One day his assistant was in his office and he noticed a sheet of paper on his desk and he figured it must of been the poets newest work. The assistant could not understand the poem so he took it over to the neighbor whom was much wiser than he. The neighbor looked at the poem and declared, "It is clearly a tribute to the troops in Iraq", but this could not be so since this was the 1830's and there was no war in Iraq yet, so they took the poem to the psychologist who was much wiser than they. The pychologist looked at this and said, "This is obviously a poem about a woman whom he loves", but this could not be since there were only two females in this town one that was 75 and another that was only 4, so the assistant, the neighbor, and the psychologist took the poem to the painter whom was much wiser than they. The artist looked at the poem long and hard and finally stated, "This is obviously related to the poet having financial issues", but this could not be since the poet was a very wealthy man. The town argued for 3 hours over the meaning of the poem when a hobo saw the ruckus. He asked what the problem was and the townspeople explained to him their confusion and showed him the paper. After only a few seconds the hobo said, "This is a receipt for wine and a $5 lap dance at The Pimps Titty Bar".

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine. Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn. Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. "What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?" "The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'." "Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!" "That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper

Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he'd been recommended to paint him in the nude."No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that sort of thing.""But what if I double your fee?" he pleaded."Nope, sorry. Won't do it.""How about I give you five times what you normally get?""Oh, okay then," said the artist, "but I'm keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes."

Painters wear all white while they paint like they don't give a fuck.

Who is the richest painter? Manet.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

Who is a bodybuilder's favourite painter? [Gainsborough](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Gainsborough) ^Pronounced ^"Gainz, ^brah"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend? "I love you with all my art!"

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack, and I'll plaster you.

Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough

I'm so happy Leonardo finally got an award, he was such a brilliant inventor and painter.

We get it, painters: you love naked women and bowls of fruit.

Who was the fattest Renaissance painter? Donutello * I love pun jokes give me some more

hi What did the painter say to the paint can? A lot of good you are . (the joke is that the paint can is empty)

What did Obama say to his depressed painter? It's going to be all white.

Who is the greatest painter of this century? Pigcasso!