50+ Owl Jokes

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

A farmer buys a young cock As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!" The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes! For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot… Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. " The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author" Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date."*

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. (Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English) A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other, and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house. When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, "Please untie her, please, let her go!" The thief responds with, "No, I'm not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don't worry, your neighbours will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration" The man yet again pleads, "Please, just untie her, I'll do anything!" The burglar once again explains his reasoning, "I need to get away with this crime, I'm sorry, I can't leave anything up to chance." The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims, "I'm begging you man, just let her go, she won't call the cops, I promise!" The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife. "Wow," he said "You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately" "No," The man replied, in a state of frenzy "My wife will be home in 15 minutes"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.

I apologise if this isn't allowed. New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them. I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them! UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🤩

If the Super Bowl went into overtime, does that mean the first 4 quarters were just a really long commercial since the game was Tide? I really hope Tide had another commercial ready just in case. Edit: Thank you for the Reddit Gold, kind stranger! My first!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out... So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" "Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden." The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked. "If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author." Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain." They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven. "Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?" The man puts down his fruit and responds, *"It's a date!"*

Don't want to pay 4 guys to not work for 6 hours? OK, you can pay 30 guys to not work for 6 hours. To make an already long story as short as possible, some background. I am a manager for a North American railroad, and a lot of our work involves different crafts of employees. Different crafts have different unions and different work rules. The managers of the other crafts and I work together well to get done what we need to get done, especially when some of the work needs to get done at night. The track guys can have a crew assigned to nights, while the signal guys can't. Even better, the signal guys who work overnight have to be let go after 12 hours, and if it's now their regular shift because they came in last night, they get paid the rest of the day to go home and sleep. Track guys have all three shifts, but we only have a day shift and an evening shift, but no night shift, because the big hats don't want to hire enough people to do it. Now, the company has decided that paying guys to go home 2 hours early on a Thursday, come in and work overtime all night at 10pm, and go home at 10am, getting another 4 hours pay to go home and sleep is the ending of all that is good and pure in the universe, and will eventually lead to the collapse of capitalism, the nation, and indeed the universe itself. So they decide that the second shift guys have to stay 4 extra hours, and the first shift guys have to come in 4 hours early. I point out that: 1) I can't force employees to work overtime unless it's an emergency, and the union isn't likely to agree that "we want to do this at night so we don't affect traffic" is an emergency. 2) Not all employees are qualified on the same things. 3) Since they took half of my trucks away 5 years ago (because savings!!) I don't have enough vehicles for an entire second crew to show up at 2am and relieve the guys working in the field so they can go home. The guys currently working will have to stop work, pack up the tools, drive back to the office, let the (smaller) relief crew load up, drive back out to the work site, do the starting paperwork and briefings, and begin the work. And most importantly: 4) That while we aren't there, the track guys can't work, because we have to keep taking things off of the rail so the track guys can do their work, and then put them back when the guys are done so we can run the trains in the morning. All of it falls on deaf ears, because the freckle-faced college kid (who opens every conversation with "I have an MBA, dammit") who has somehow gotten to a position where he's in charge of the estimates wants to complain about those 24 hours a night. So, after having gone on the meeting record for all of it, I get out of the kids way. I decide that if my boss isn't going to have my back, I'm not going to stop this inevitable disaster. After all, I have only been doing this for 27 years, but he graduated with a 3.6 GPA from UTEP, so he must know better. So, the first night, the job grinds to a halt like clockwork at 1am, the second crew shows up at about 4:15, and they get to work. The track folks pack it in, because by the time anything gets dismantled, there won't be enough time to get anything done and put it all back together to start moving trains by 7. Second night, the shift change was a little smoother, so they got out there at 3:45. Managed to get a little work done before packing up. Third and fourth night it rained REALLY hard, so the drive back to the shop and out to the jobsite took extra time. No work done after the new crew showed up at 4:30. Bright and early Monday morning we show up at our morning meeting to find that the track guys got about 30% of the work done that they'd planned for the week, and at this pace would finish a 6-week job more than 15 weeks behind, and over budget by more than 300% Mr. MBA proceeds to launch into his carefully-rehearsed speech about Key Metrics, Percent Spent vs Percent Complete, and all sorts of other nonsense. Then he decides to start in on me. Since I obviously conspired and colluded with my employees to "egregiously erode progress" for an entire week. I held up the meeting minutes from the previous week, told him in no uncertain terms that he had asked, in fact *demanded* that we have a full shift change in the middle of the track department's work. I looked across the table at him, and asked him if he wanted to revise that position. Completely unwilling to let this lowly *engineer* tell him what to do, he said no, and I was supposed to somehow magically make the shift change FASTER. Next 3 weeks were the same story. They've now been out there for a month, and have managed to accomplish just shy of a week and a half of work. Mr. MBA shows up on the site one night, just in time to watch my night guys walk off, watch the track guys shut down the machines and gather outside to smoke, hang out, and generally carouse, because they know they now have 3 hours to screw of

Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” Son; “Go on, then.” Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Son; “That’s Superman.” Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

My best dad joke... I did it to my wife I made my bowl of Yogurt, I then squeezed some honey on it in a "B". I told my wife, from across the kitchen "there's a honeybee in my yogurt!" She comes over, looks in the bowl, and says only "its 6 o'clock in the morning." I could hear her eyes roll. It was great! I'm 42 btw.

You want me to participate in Sunday School? Enjoy my extensive knowledge of your holy book. So my relatives and parents are very firmly a part of this cult, it’s mostly in the states but it does have some worldly presence. Not gonna say which one it is cause I don’t want my parents to find this post. I left the cult about two years ago now, after they refused to acknowledge that I had several medical problems and the religion believes that people can become like Jesus and heal their own bodies. Wack, right? And I’m not talking about a little scratch or a cold. I’m talking about cancers, contagious diseases like measles, polio, whooping cough, broken bones, psychological disorders. It’s really crazy. But whenever I come back they always make me go to Sunday school to ‘show respect for the family’. Bullshit, it’s cause they want to convert me back and whenever someone from the cult finds out someone has left they make it their personal mission to bring them back. So this past Sunday I didn’t have work and my dad told me I had to go to church with the family. He said I’m still able to go to Sunday school since I’m just in university. We arrive to the church, I’m super dressed up. Like very fancy looking. The women when I come in are very pleased (they know I’ve left) and are like “wow it’s so nice to see you back! Hope you come more often now we’ve missed you.” I go down to my Sunday school class and it’s a bunch of uni kids and an older woman, strict looking teacher. Perfect. She sits me down and starts talking about the Bible and what’s wrong and right. Cue malicious compliance. I took two years of intensive Bible classes, I’ve translated from Hebrew and Greek, I’ve actually read the whole Bible cover to cover. Some ‘points’ were made. Teacher: “And so God said that we most never lie in bed with another of the same sex.” Me: “And where does it say that ma’am?” Teacher: “Well in this verse here” *shows* Me: “That was actually mistranslated from Hebrew. It actually says man shall not lie with boy.” Teacher: *frustrated* “No that’s not true. And besides, there’s this verse here which says homosexual sex is wrong.” *shows other verse* Me: “So…by that logic, wouldn’t that mean that anyone, male on male, female on male, or female on female, who was having oral or anal sex would be gay?” Teacher: *horrified* The whole class went on like this. I refuted claims about the killing of children, the uselessness of prostitutes, about immigration, and so on. After church, my dad was pulled aside by the teacher and when he came back he sighed and shook his head and said “Fine. You don’t have to come anymore.” I replied with “is she not impressed with my thorough knowledge of the Bible?”

If you could get rid of one race which one would it be and why? I would get rid of the marathon. Running 26.2 miles is just crazy! EDIT: thank you for the 100 upvotes! I’m telling my gf I’m famous! 2nd EDIT: I work the night shift at my job and I just woke up to fricken 5.8k arrows pointing up!? This is awesome!! 3rd EDIT: request for a third edit, currently it’s 13:41 (central time) And I’m drinking coffee reading the comments. There’s a lot of people that thinks this is a f1 and or nascar question. 4th EDIT: the celebrity status is overwhelming me. People are stopping me on the streets asking for my autograph and selfies. About to go in for work now. I had to hire a bodyguard to follow me around. Thank you all. This is a blessing and a curse at the same time. If I don’t have a 5th edit later that means a crazy fan has held me captive. 5th EDIT: made it to work safe thank god. Elon musk himself sent me a tweet congratulating me on my accomplishments on Reddit the last 18 hours since this post, also told me to buy a doggy coin or something… anyway I find myself checking my phone every minute reading new comments. The popularity has consumed my mind. I cannot get any work done and the manager on duty is getting upset with me but then I remember I am the manager on duty for the night shift so I’m ok. I’m slowly going crazy for the need for more of those red, pointing up arrow thingys. It’s destroying me.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology... ...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal. The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

A man joins an order of Monks. A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!". 9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom... The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"

Daughter's vibrator A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.   What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.   "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.   "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Unauthorized Software? Happy to remove it! I work as a contractor for a department that aims high, flies, fights, and wins occasionally I'm told. A security scan popped my work laptop for having Python installed, which I was told wasn't authorized for local use at my site. Edit: I had documentation showing it's approved for the enterprise network as a whole, and I knew of three other sites using it. I was not notified it was not approved at our site until I was told to remove it and our local software inventory (an old spreadsheet) was not provided until this event. This all happened within an official ticketing system, so I didn't even have to ask for it in writing or for it to be confirmed. I simply acknowledged and said I would immediately remove Python from any and all systems I operate per instructions. Edit: The instruction was from a person and was to remove it from all devices I used. I was provided no alternative actions as according to this individual it was not allowed anywhere on our site. The site lost a lot of its fancier VoIP system capabilities such as call trees, teleconference numbers, emergency dial downs, operator functionality, recording capabilities, and announcements in the span of about 30 minutes as I removed Python from the servers I ran. The servers leveraged pyst (Python package) against Asterisk (VoIP service used only for those unique cases) to do fancy and cool things with call routing and telephony automation. And then it didn't. I reported why the outage was occurring, and was immediately told to reinstall Python everywhere and that they would make an exception. A short lived outage, but still amusing. Moral of the story: Don't tell a System Admin to uninstall something without asking what it's used for first. Edit: Yes, I should have tried to argue the matter, but the individual who sent the instruction has a very forceful personality and it would have caused me just as much pain to try and do the right thing as it did to simply comply and have to fix it after. My chain was not upset with me when they saw the ticket. Edit: Python is on my workstation to write and debug code for said servers.

Wordplay is fun. As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.” The priest says, “I will say a prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.” And the engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?” [Shamelessly taken from Malcolm Gladwell](http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/the-engineers-lament)

The FBI had an open position for an assassin After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

Not a word from you about your resignation until I approve it! (Not in the US btw) I used to be an operations engineer on a 1-year contract in a small department. There were only 4 of us and the seniors absolutely hated doing additional work, so when there was additional networking stuff required as part of a new project, it was dumped unto me. I didn't mind doing it as I was learning new stuff, but the lack of appreciation from the rest of the team and being underpaid made me look for other jobs when my 1 year contract was almost up. Fortunately I was able to get a much better offer from one of my ex employers with about a month to go for my current contract. My current company never reached out to me to talk about renewing my contract, so I thought i'd just give them a heads up that I'm resigning and not renewing my contract. My manager at the time used to be an engineer like us but was promoted 6 months prior and was incredibly cocky because of that. I went into his room and handed him my resignation letter, told him I was resigning and would be happy to hand over my stuff and train the others before leaving. He takes a look at the letter, gets really pissed, and tells me he isn't going to sign and acknowledge the letter until he decides what date I'm allowed to leave. He said this will happen after he's found someone to replace me and when he's in a better mood, essentially trying to hold me hostage. "But, my contract only has 1 month...", before I could say 2 words he says NO MORE TALKING, DID U NOT HEAR ME SAY I WON'T APPROVE IT UNTIL I'M HAPPY! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A WORD ABOUT THIS FROM YOU UNTIL I'M READY!!! (Note this was very long ago where resignations via email weren't as common) I thought about explaining to him when he had calmed down, but decided fuck it, if that's what he wants then I'll comply. So I continued working for the rest of the month, with absolutely no handover done until the last day. On the last day of my contract, I head into his room and hand him my laptop, badge etc. "What's this?" "My stuff, today's my last day" "Stop fucking joking around, I told you that I haven't acknowledged your resignation letter yet. Which by the way, I've just decided your last day will be 2 months from now because we need to look for a replacement, train him up and get a proper handover before you can leave. So keep your stuff and get back to work" He gives me this incredibly cocky look like he got me. "Nope, my contract runs out after today. I'm not paid to work beyond that" "You...what?" "Yup, I've been trying to tell you from the start, my resignation letter was a courtesy since my contract runs out anyway, but u didn't allow me to talk" "You're fucking bullshitting me!!!!" "Nah go call HR and check, seeya!" I watch his face turn from anger and cockiness to shock as I walk away from his room. A few months later I find out that he got a stern lecture by the director even though he tried to put the blame on me, ended up hiring a network engineer that cost triple what they paid me, and breached multiple SLAs for the period before the new hire joined.

Hallways had "lanes" for students to get them to class faster I was a teacher at a middle school in 2014/2015 that was Title 1 School (extremely low income and test scores). The state government actually removed all administration staff two years prior, for the whole district, as the student outcomes were so low. The new admin came in with a micromanagement authoritarian directive to improve test scores. One of their brightest ideas was to put lanes in the hallways to manage flow and gets students to classes faster. There were three lanes. Two one ways along the walls, and a middle "teacher only lane." Within about three days all the students were driving imaginary cars. They orderly followed one another, would let people in to merge, used turn signals, and generally was pretty fun for a few days. The teachers would direct students at intersections and played along for a bit. The flow did slow down though as students wouldn't pass each other and would have trouble merging into traffic around doorways. Another thing taking time was the students parking their imaginary vehicles outside the classroom. They would spend time backing them into spaces, or have trouble parallel parking. The admin didn't like this and really started getting angry at the staff and students as so many kids were still tardy to class. They actively were handing out detentions and pretty angry at staff for playing along. This really triggered the students to start getting malicious. The students couldn't cross the middle lane, so they would have to walk down long hallways and make u-turns to see their friends or get to their lockers/classrooms. They started cruising the long hallways with their tricked out imaginary low riders. They would have shock noises even. Some of the really popular kids started a bus system where they had a schedule to pickup other students and deliver them to other classes. They would hold shoulders and move as a block. Sometimes the bus broke down at an intersection and blocked traffic for everyone. Drag racing started where they held up traffic and raced down the hallways. Police would pull people over and write tickets. The most annoying part was students needing to leave the classroom to check on their cars to make sure no one stole it. Sometimes a student would come back from the bathroom and ask if anyone was driving a type of car as it was being towed. The disruptions in class started to really get out of control. Admin thought it was going to be a phase and students would get bored. The best part about school for the students turned out to be the time in-between classes. Everyone was tardy constantly. Eventually the lanes (tape) were ripped up and they shortened the passing period time by 2 mins so students had to rush to class and couldn't spend any time in the hallways. The cars slowly died out and the new 'fad' was needing to use the restroom during class time because the passing period was like 3 mins long and not enough toilets to satisfy all the students legitimately. Students were written up for needing to use the bathroom so kids just started clogging toilets and peeing wherever. Other car things: flat tires, emergency sirens, car accidents, gps problems, no gas, lost license, couldn't find keys, stole other kids cars, repo cars, towing cars

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. 'What are you doing?' she exclaimed. He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.

She grabbed her voodoo doll, ready to inflict pain on her worst enemy. Dragging a pin slowly across the doll’s arm, she savoured every moment as a red line appeared on her own.

It is/was/will be my Cake Day, so here's a favorite: A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed ... They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth." "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his 'willie' points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She smiles and says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

One time my girlfriend asked me if we should go bowling or have a romantic evening together. I said, I really don't feel like putting my fingers in holes where dozens of other guys have put their fingers, let's go bowling

A cop pulls an 80-year-old woman over for speeding. Officer: “Ma’am do you know why I stopped you?” Woman: “Is there a problem, Officer?”   “Ma’am, you were speeding.”  “Oh, I see.”  “Can I see your license please?”  “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.” “Don’t have one?  “Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.” “ I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.”  “I can’t do that.” “Why not?” “This car is stolen.” “Stolen?  “Yes, I stole it, then I killed and hacked up the owner.” “JFC YOU DID WHAT??  “I just told you.  If you don’t believe me, his body parts are wrapped up in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.” The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 6 squad cars are on scene and 3 officers, led by their Sergeant approach the woman's car with guns drawn. The Sergeant addresses the woman: “Ma’am, would you step out of your vehicle please!”  The woman steps out of her vehicle. Is there a problem sir? Sergeant: “One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.” “ Murdered the owner?” “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.” The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. “Is this your car, ma’am?” “Yes, here are the registration papers.” The Sergeant is perplexed. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.” The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a wallet and hands it to the officer. The Sergeant examines the license. He looks bewildered. “Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.”    “Sure, and I bet the lying sonofabitch told you I was speeding, too.”

How does Harry Potter get down a hill? By running. J.K! Rowling.

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?” “Are you nuts?!” she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asks again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?” “Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole... I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

Provide a offer? Don't mind if I do A few recent stories on here reminded me of a friend of mine, we'll call Dave. Shared, with his permission. Dave was working for a company for a few years, liked it there, liked the job, liked everything but the pay. His company pretty much only gave raises if you had a competing offer. Dave's boss knew this, and advised him as such since he wanted to keep Dave. Dave didn't want to interview anywhere else. However, the supervisor had hired him, we'll call him Bruce, had moved on to another job. Dave called Bruce, told him the situation and Bruce was just like " I've got an idea, I'll send you an offer letter, how much should you be making?" Dave was making $85k at the time, and based on his skills, experience, etc., should have been making about $110k so that's what he told Bruce. Bruce said not to worry and that he'd take care of it. Dave gets an email from Bruce, doesn't look too hard at it, and tells his supervisor the next day that he has an offer and was wondering if his job would counter. Dave forwards the letter from Bruce, and Dave's boss gets back to him offering him $130k to stay. As it turns out, Bruce, because he didn't actually need to budget for this position (because it was fake), put $125k in the offer letter. He also had a knowledge of Dave's unit's budget, having formerly worked there and knew they'd afford it to keep Dave. And that is how Dave maliciously complied with a fake offer later to get a raise. Post script: Bruce moved to a third company about five years ago and has since hired Dave there in an executive role he's doing well in.

Won’t let me help you with complying with DOT regulations? Have fun with that Out of Service ticket and fees, buddy! This happened about 6 hours ago, and the fallout resolved roughly 3 hours ago. I, a 38 year old male over the road trucker, was at a truck stop about 150 miles from my destination, and about 30 miles from a DOT weigh station. This other driver was getting fuel, and as he was, I noticed he had hazmat on his trailer, as evidenced by the placards he was displayed on said trailer. Upon further look, however, I noticed that he had one placard displayed sideways, 2 others upside down, and 4 others mounted with duct tape. As someone who has been in the industry for over a decade, I knew the above was not correct, and I wanted to help him out, to make sure he didn’t get dinged by the DOT(Department of Transportation), for incorrect display. I approached him, was friendly about it, and said that his placards were mounted wrong, and (us being in my home state, I knew how DOT operated around there), told him he might want to fix it before he left. He asked me how long I had been driving, and I told him I had a decade. He scoffed and said that he had been driving for only 2 years, but “knew better than me”, and said while he appreciated my advice, told me to run my own truck the way I see fit, and “let me do my job my way.” So, I complied. Wished him well, and went inside to grab something to eat. Fast forward a couple of hours later, when I go to take off. I head south, and right before I get to the state border, there’s a truck weigh station. As I’m approaching, my stomach starts turning cartwheels, forcing me to exit to use the restroom. There, in the parking lot, is the guy I spoke to at the truck stop, ripping his placards off his truck, with a DOT officer standing beside him with new ones, and a roll of clear tape. I asked him what happened. He scowls at me and said “I got an improper display out of service ticket.” I asked him how much that was. He said it was $2500, 15 points to his CSA score(The scorecard used for truck driver evaluations, along with company evaluations), and 15 points to his company’s CSA score. Officer approached me, and asked me how I knew the guy. I told the DOT officer that I tried to help him to avoid that situation, but he said he knew more than I did, despite me having 8 years more experience than he did. Officer laughed and told the guy, “maybe you ought to listen to people, especially when they are trying to save you money.”

They made me come in Was working for a place back in the 90's, I worked my own shift and picked up plenty of others too, and whether people liked me or not, acknowledged I was a hard worker. Compared to many who called off all the time, I rarely did. But, I caught a bug and had horrible nausea/vomiting/diarrhea, and nothing was staying down. There was no way I could work like that. Night Supervisor said you have to come in, no exceptions. Tried to tell him I'm losing it from both ends every 5 minutes, he didn't care. Fine. Somehow didn't sh\*t my pants driving in the 2 miles, but did vomit out the side door at least once. Walked through the building, looked ashen as hell, horrible stomach cramps, and went to his office. He made me sit there for 15 minutes till he was ready to address me. By then, stomach rumbling, sweat on the brow, I turned a vomited all over the place. Watery vomit with whatever color Gatorade and chunks of yogurt came up. And a little leakage on the back end too. It wasn't subtle. It was a lot. He just looked at me, looking a little peaked then too, and said 'you made your point, you can go.' I stumbled home and pretty much spent the next day or so in the bathroom. I do remember my neighbor bringing me some baby wipes at some point which I greatly appreciated. But no points, I came into work like I was told, and they sent me home. I was willing to stay. :>

society is like a bowl of jelly beans nobody likes the black ones

"I need an answer RIGHT NOW" This might not be the biggest story in this sub but I still reminisce fondly of it. So a couple of years ago I took over a restaurant in the centre of the capital city of our country with a couple of friends. We are 3 associates and one chef cook. This restaurant was mainly a tourist trap for the past decennia and was also known to cater to big groups from either companies (business dinners) and tourist agencies where they would just serve some decent slop in an historical setting for a fixed menu price. Our concept was to bring this establishment back to the locals, the neighbourhood and lovers of traditional food and drinks. So we tried a soft opening and limit ourselves to 30 customers per evening but the previous owner hadn't even communicated towards his customers that the restaurant would be taken over nor had he closed the online reservation system (to which we didn't have any access) so we got constantly flooded with requests for big groups (between 20 to even 50 persons) and here our story begins. As we just started we tried to please most people and cater to what was possible. One day I got a phonecall off some white collar already quite condescending on the telephone as I probably am just a lowly server on the phone, with a request to come with over 20 persons in two days time. I told him politely over the phone that I couldn't make the decision to take this reservation on my own but that he could send us an email with the request and we'd talk it over with the chef cook and my associates to see if we could cater them. He didn't like this one bit and told me he couldn't wait that long for an answer. I immediately assumed he probably forgot to make a reservation for such a big group on time and that he failed his responsibility but now tries to push it off on me. Like I always say "Sounds like a you problem, not a me problem" but instead I ensured him he would get an answer on his email on the day itself. "No, this is not acceptable, I need an answer RIGHT NOW!" My patience was running out with this unrespectful fat neck so I politely answered: "So to my understanding you need an answer immediately?" -"Yes!" (With a clear sound of superiority and thinking he had won) "Okay sir, if you need an answer immediately it will be very simple. That answer will be no." Sounds of crickets for a couple of seconds -"So to what email address can I send the request?" We got his request by email and he got an answer within 2 minutes. "We're sorry but we can't accept your request to cater your group. Kind regards, name restaurant"

I found my husband hanging from a rope in our bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "**I can't stand the critism anymore.**" I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and thank God he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

“It really seems like much of your emotional trauma stems from your being homeschooled, but we’ll have to address that in the next session, as we’re out of time,” her therapist said slowly as she looked at her watch. Esther looked up at her therapist, wiping away tears, and asked, “Mom, do we have math next?”

Throwing Watches Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch. "How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow."

Three sports fans leave a bar... (Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.) Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up. The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch. The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book. The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."

My boyfriend said he doesn't feel anything sexually and asked me for help. I said, "What can I do? I'm just a computer engineer." "Oh, come on," he said, "you can try." "Okay," I said. So I slowly unbuttoned myself, removed my bra and shirt, and started unzipping. He was starting to get turned on... and then I immediately stopped. "WTF?" he said. "Just trying to turn you off and on again," I replied.

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says: "Ya know, I'd herd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed it done

What do you say to a hit man who’s paid in chicken that fails his mission? No harm, no fowl.

My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded the gold medal. The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Three women convince their goofy husbands to go to clown college for a year. The men go off, graduate, and return, and now the women are gossiping about it over tea. The first woman sets her tea down, sighs, and says, "It's horrible. Ever since my husband got back from clown college, he's been pranking me! Look at this!" She pulls out a small flower and sets it on the table, where it squirts water at her. Scowling, she swats it away. The second woman goes, "You think *that's* annoying?" She pulls out a little gift bag full of tissue paper, and starts pulling it out, but the tissue just keeps coming and coming. They both turn to the last woman. One asks, "So, has your husband pranked *you*?" And the last woman blushes and crosses her legs with a *honk*.

John sat down in the snow, slowly pulled his soaked boot off and flipped it over to remove the rock that had been bugging him for the last five miles. It dropped into the fresh powder, and he chuckled as his exhausted brain slowly processed that the little black object was shaped very much like a pinkie toe.

While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife,"How do you spell Hawaii?" Karen replied, "You need two i’s." Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big fucking joke to you, isn’t it Karen?"

An Australian walks into a US bar... ...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!" "Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!" He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin. "Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks. A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."

The woman smiled at me as I gave her another shot, and I watched as she took it without hesitation. I pulled the needle out of her arm and turned around to wipe it clean, as it slowly dawned on me that the amount of tranquilizers she's injected would have killed a human by now.

'It's good US money......' Years ago, working your basic convience store gig. Guy comes in, wanders the stacks, and comes to me with about $7.50 worth of stuff, and hands me a $100 bill. 'Dude, please tell me you have something smaller. I just opened up about 45min ago. I don't think I can break that.' All true, I knew my till was on a razor's edge for this one. I see *that* look on his face, hear *that* tone, 'No, it's all I've got.' Those in customer service know that voice, that, 'I'm the customer, you're the peasant,' tone. Right, okay then. I knew the type, but I try begging off, giving him an out before I turn on my Gen X lack of fucks. Still polite & professional, 'Well, I can't make any promises, and I can't check while the sale is on the screen.' 'Well, you have to take it. It's good US money.' Ah. That isn't how this works. If I ain't got the cash, I have every right to refuse service. But hey, you set the rules, so, malicious compliance it is. I will make you regret this. Pop the drawer, and the gods smiled upon me. Three $20s, two $10s, and assorted $5 & $1 bills and coins later, he has his change. 'What's this?' 'Your change. I wasn't sure I could pull it off, but we got lucky. Enjoy your afternoon.' He's just standing there, unsure how to respond or act. 'Is everything okay? It's good US money.' All sweetness and charm. Never saw anyone go from one to completely impotent 100 so fast. He wanted to chew me out, or bitch to my boss, but knew I'd done nothing wrong. I gave him what he demanded- $90+ change from a $100 bill. What's he gonna howl about? 'Your clerk gave me exact change!' The boss, 'And you're angry, why?' I watched each and every thought run across his face, trying to make me look bad, and just couldn't. So he tust turned around and sulked away out the door. I've put in 40+yrs behind the counter, in four states & dozens of stores, and this is, by far, my single most favoritest customer exchange, ever..

A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

The mother cried into her husband' chest as they both watched the fae take their firstborn son, as payment for healing the illness that would had killed them both. As the fae disappeared forever, she continued to cry tears of joy with the knowledge that the Anti-Christ was now the Fae' problem to deal with.

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table. She opens it and reads: *"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."* When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: *"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."*

"You want to trade places with ME?!" the confused demon sputtered, as the sick scrawny priest vigorously nodded. And so: Hell got to deal with an extremely virulent virus strain, while lovely downtown Minneapolis got a dedicated new youth pastor with very intimate knowledge of the temptations of sin.

My brother thought it would be funny to hide a One Chip Challenge Carolina Reaper chip in my bowl of Doritos. He doesn’t realise his challenge will start tonight when he uses the sports sock he keeps under his bed.

You will forget. An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Daughters vibrator A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

UPDATE: "Make it so a person with zero knowledge could understand it"? Ok. About a year ago, I wrote a [very messy and awkwardly worded post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MaliciousCompliance/comments/1c4y2qi/make_it_so_a_person_with_zero_knowledge_could/), describing how my old boss had me fired due to being a whistleblower, citing my (very proven) unorthodox methods, among other bogus claims, while demanding that I create a document for my future replacement, and "make it so a person with zero knowledge could understand it", which... I did. I didn't expect to even write a follow-up, and definitely not this one. I couldn't have come up with this chain of events if I tried. Predictably, as soon as I left the organization, things quickly began to unravel. Projects fell apart. Partnerships I built disintegrated. Volunteers left (some did so in protest). Community engagement, trust and support from target groups pretty much vanished. My replacement was not only completely clueless, but also a non-functional alcoholic, who didn't even want the job (apparently she was lied to), and drove every single programme to the ground. All of which, in turn, alienated donors as well. But that's not all. One of the comments (u/[SeanBZA](https://www.reddit.com/user/SeanBZA/)) on my old posts suggested I contact IRS, because odds are they would find some fraud going on. Well... You weren't very far off. While I didn't contact any authorities, and generally tried to not escalate anything - I ACCIDENTALLY tipped the manager of the org's biggest funders that something was off. I didn't even realize it until much later. I just ran into him at an event and chatted with him, mentioning that I was fired from the org that December. The manager looked confused. "What do you mean? They said you worked there until March, and left on your own!". After a bit of a puzzled exchange, I also noted that the crew of one of the flagship programmes decided to shut it down a few months earlier... Yeah, the organization reported as if the programme is still running. Long story short... The foundation looked into it, and it was not pretty. **But wait, there's more.** The other biggest funder of the org was a government program. On my very first day at work, I flat out told them this grant was extremely unreliable, and that will last 2-3 years at most before the program gets shut down for being too "progressive", and that they should prepare a backup for when this inevitably happens. Well... Guess how this worked out. And now, for the weirdest plot twist. Ultimately, the CEO decided to jump the sinking and burning ship, and quit (or maybe they got fired?). When I saw the open call for CEO, I decided to be a bit of a troll, and apply. It was mostly just for my own amusement - I wasn't expecting to hear back. Both because of my strained relationship with the org, and because, frankly, despite my expertise in my own field - my relevant experience for this kind of position is fairly limited. I just wanted to rub it in a little. I sent my resume and cover letter, and mostly forgot about it. Well... After a couple of months, they called back. Asked me if I'm still interested in the position, and asked for an interview. I thought about it for a few minutes - and decided to politely decline. It was tempting, honestly. But ultimately, I realized I will hate it, and would probably suck at it, too. My skills are in other places, and my heart is in other places as well. I recently decided to take a break from work altogether to focus on my physical and mental health, and while I'm at it, get a Masters degree. Best of luck to whoever decides to take that position - they're going to need it.

Hearing my daughter cry in hunger after I’d sent her to bed without supper, I took pity and brought her a small bowl of cereal. Surely a little breakfast won’t matter before her surgery… right?

As the dragon slowly closed its mouth around her grandson, the grandmother cried pleadingly: ”Please, let me take his place instead!” The chief dragon in response shook his head and said “Sorry old bag but kids first,” as the last evacuation dragon took off seconds before the volcano erupted.

“No wife of mine is bringing another man’s child into this world!” he snapped. Placing an open palm firmly against the baby’s crown, he slowly pushed it back inside.

The exorcist arrived at the Victorian manor with his kit of silver and scripture, only to find the demon had already been living there for forty years, paying the mortgage, shoveling the walk, and slowly learning to love the cold. He lowered his cross when the thing looked up from its crossword puzzle and asked if he wanted coffee, its voice carrying the unmistakable exhaustion of something that had stopped being a monster long before anyone thought to stop hunting it.

Ask us to do you a favour and then complain? We can work to rule. TLDR at bottom, SFW. I've tried to simplify some of the processes so if something doesn't make sense, let me know and I'll elaborate. Appreciate this is wordy, but most of my anecdotes are! I (F33) used to work for a company that, among other things, made a particular product that was sold in reasonable quantities to a number of customers. These products were quite large and expensive, but had a (relatively) short service life, so there was a predictable trend to when customers would order replacements. Let's call the customers in this anecdote Lombard and Orange. The products for each company were slightly different, so we had to change some tooling and machining processes when swapping between the two. Furthermore, as part of the manufacturing process, we painted the products. Orange's were, unsurprisingly, orange but Lombard requested we left the products unpainted. This was due to some form of copyright issue with their paint swatch, but it wasn't a big deal as they were happy to paint the products themselves. Lombard was a larger company than Orange, and their orders used to outweigh Orange nearly 2:1. The product lifecycle was well-established at this point, so we knew roughly when orders would be placed, and could tailor manufacturing to suit. We had a minor issue when Lombard placed an order on behalf of a subsidiary company they were starting up - it wasn't anybody's fault in particular, but the subsidiary company wanted products painted yellow, whereas the first few batches we completed were accidentally left unpainted, assuming it was a Lombard order. Because of the way the products were made, we didn't have the ability to paint them once fully assembled, so we just left them in storage pre-empting another Lombard order, and re-made the products for Lombard Jr. No problems. Orange got in touch one day, and said they had an issue where they'd got their paperwork wrong or something, and urgently needed a (smaller) batch of products as soon as possible. Our contracted lead time for the product was 12 weeks; however because the contracts were so mature, we could generally get that down to about 4 weeks (as we'd start manufacturing ahead of an official order being placed). This particular issue with Orange came up whilst we were in the middle of manufacturing components for Lombard, so we didn't have an easy way to stop production and switch to the Orange tooling. We gave Orange two options. Option one was to pay a 33% premium and we would start manufacturing straight away, which would technically take 12 weeks but realistically would be about 6 weeks. Option two was to take from the unpainted Lombard stock we'd previously made at the normal price, available immediately, but we would also supply the add-on bits (at a minimal cost) that they would have to swap themselves, and then paint if they wanted to. Orange took option two. No issues so far, we still had a small amount of Lombard stock left and Orange were happy to sort out the extra work from their side. Everybody wins, right? Well, that's what we all thought. A short while later, our senior management organise a conference with us. We turn up for this conference, expecting to be congratulated for appeasing a customer in a tricky spot, or at least given some form of acknowledgement for reducing stock. Instead, we were given a dressing down because the seniors from Orange had complained to our management that the last order they received was wrong, and wasn't in their colours. They'd written as such in their official customer satisfaction reports, which were open across the industry as part of ethical practices. So, any company that wanted to order from us would now be able to see that Orange had received unpainted products in the wrong configuration. To say we were pissed off would be an understatement. The general feeling was quiet, simmering rage - the kind where you know everybody is absolutely livid, and wholly displeased at what should have been a positive outcome. The management listened to the explanation and took notes of the screenshots we shared (of emails agreeing to taking the Lombard order). They sympathised with us and confirmed we'd done nothing wrong, even going as far as to say that they knew this particular process worked well and had therefore left us alone, so they were surprised to hear of an issue. Technically yes, we were breaking our contract by supplying non-conforming parts, but as this was a rush order, they (our management) appreciated we'd done our best to help Orange, even if they threw it back in our faces. It was actually our management's idea for malicious compliance - going forward, everything ordered by Orange would be 100% to specification. Including lead time. They told us to keep doing what we were doing, but instead of sending orders to Orange, send them to our warehouse down the road. They could hang onto them until the 12 week d

Immortality does not dull the pain of being eaten by a mother bear nor spare you the darkness that comes from eyes being ripped from your skull. You just slowly lose yourself as you merge with cubs drinking their mother's milk, flowers fertilized with her droppings, and a river made slightly larger with her urine.

“Don’t pull it out, leave it in.” she said in a soft yet urging tone. Through blurred vision he could see her hands planted firmly on the knife’s handle, slowly driving it further into his abdomen.

GET RID OF THOSE F#&KIN' DANDELIONS!!!! When I was 24 I got first place on my own. I'd rented a townhouse (this was back in the late 80s even when poor people could rent entire houses) and was putting myself through college. Not a lot of money to spare, but I was getting by. The townhouse was not detached, and I had 2 neighbours whose homes were directly attached to my own. I got along fine with my southern-most neighbour (aka we said "hi" when we saw each other and that was about it) but the other neighbour, he had a chip on his shoulder. Generally rude if we bumped into each other, I'd say "hi" or "good morning", he'd ignore me, scowl, turn away, etc. Whatever, no big deal, I just took it in stride. Being a struggling college student, I didn't have a lot of money for non-essentials. Most of the people in the neighbourhood poured weedkillers on their lawns every spring. I didn't do this, for several reasons. Most important, I think it's a shame to poison the local water table, and while I love a nice lawn, I don't think you have to cater to grass. I prefer a more natural look. Back then, that meant regular grass, but with some crabgrass and dandelions. One day Bob starts berating me over my dandelions. "It doesn't fit the neighbourhood! Don't you have any self respect? You bring down the tone of the neighbourhood!" Every time he'd see me, he'd tell me I need to pour poison on my lawn (which I explained I couldn't afford and didn't want to do). At first I was polite as I wanted to be on good terms with my neighbours, but Bob started getting angrier and angrier, and more and more unreasonable, started calling me "poor white trash". One day I'm coming home, parking in my driveway with some friends from school in my car. As we're getting out, Bob comes outside and shouts, at the top of his lungs, "GET RID OF THOSE FUCKING DANDELIONS!!!" He looks over and now spots my friends getting out of the car, and he's clearly embarrassed, but he doubled down and started talking directly to my friends. "Did you know your friend is an embarrassment to the neighbourhood? How's it feel to be friends with white trash?" I had just about had enough of his anger by then, and I snapped back, told him to fuck off and mind his own business. Several days later I get a knock on my front door. Open up the door, and it's a bylaw enforcement officer. Says he's responding to complaints of "noxious weeds" in my backyard, and asks to come take a look for himself (being a middle unit, the only access to my backyard was through the house). I invite him in, offer him a drink of water (which he gratefully accepts; hot day!) and take him through to the backyard. Lots of lovely white and yellow dandelions peppered over the yard. He takes one look, and gives a deep sigh. There were no "noxious weeds", which I knew full well, as I had long ago taken the precaution of checking with the city to see what was and what was not acceptable in the weed department. And I knew I was well, very comfortably, within compliance. The bylaw cop apologized for wasting my time, said my yard was "Nowhere near" a problem. He left, and went next door to chastise my neighbour for wasting his time. I stood at my front door and listened, it was glorious listening to Bob sputtering and angry, trying to defend himself and vilify me, all to no avail. "My wife and I can't even sit out and enjoy our back yard, because of all those stupid dandelions!" Bylaw cop told him to stop harassing his neighbours and left. But listening in gave me an idea. I knew Bob liked to sit out on his back deck in the afternoons, so I waited. As soon as I spotted him out there, I walked out into my backyard, ignoring Bob as I gathered up a nice bouquet of white-topped dandelions, seeds ready to disperse to the wind. We had a 4-foot high chain link fence between our properties, so the view between yards was pretty much unobstructed. I stood at the fence, locked eyes with Bob, and started blowing thousands of dandelion seeds into his yard. The wind was at my back so the seeds were traveling quite far into his yard. He grew red-faced and started yelling at me. "What's the matter Bob? I'm just doing what you asked, and getting rid of my dandelions." He yelled more, and I just ignored him. After depositing several dandelions worth of seeds he went back inside. From that day forward, for the next several weeks, every single time I saw him out on his deck, I'd go out and send more dandelion seeds into his yard. Eventually dandelion flowering season ended. I wanted to think that Bob learned a lesson about bullying. But he didn't. I'll post some of his other bullying attempts at some other time.

A woman walks into a hospital wheeling her husband with her in a wheelbarrow She stops at the front desk and talks to the admitting nurse. "Good day," she says. "Something is wrong with my husband. He was very difficult to wake up this morning, he barely touched his breakfast, and he hasn't done anything all day. Can you find out what's wrong?" She and her husband are whisked into a room. A couple of big, burly orderlies come in and lift her unresponsive husband onto the examination table. A doctor walks into the room and begins examining her husband. He puts on a stethoscope, then gets out a sphygmomanometer and measures his blood pressure, nodding grimly as he takes the measurement. Then he uses this stethoscope to listen carefully to the husband's chest, then he gets out a tool and uses it to peer into the husband's eyes. Then he sighs, steps toward the woman and delivers his verdict. "Madam, this man is dead. That will be fifty dollars, please." "He's dead? Really? Are you sure?" "Yes ma'am, he's definitely dead. Fifty dollars, please." "But how can you be so sure? You haven't run any tests or anything." The doctor sighs, goes to the back door of the room, and knocks on it twice. He opens the door, and a black Labrador retriever comes into the room and trots quickly up to the examination table. The dog walks around the table, sniffing the husband thoroughly. He walks around the table twice, sniffing as he goes, and licks the man on his cheek. Then he looks down at the floor, gives off a soft, plaintive woof, and trots back through the door, which closes. The doctor knocks on the door again, three times this time, and opens it. An orange-and-white cat comes in, walks to the table, and with a graceful leap lands on the husband. The cat walks around on the husband's body, kneading and purring loudly. It walks up to the man's chest and flicks Its tongue out several times, lightly tasting the husband's neck. Then it lets out a sad meow and shakes its head slowly before jumping down and leaving the room. The doctor turns back to the woman. "Yes, he's definitely dead. That will be $1,500, please.* *$1,500?! I thought you said it was fifty bucks!" "Yes, but that was before the Lab report and the cat scan. Those can be really expensive."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things... Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' (EDIT: formatting)

A ninety-five-year-old man married a twenty-three-year-old girl prompting fears for his health from the wedding guests. They were afraid that the wedding night might prove fatal because he was a frail old man and she was a vivacious young woman. But the next morning everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairwell of the hotel very slowly, step by step, and painfully bow-legged. Eventually she managed to hobble to the front desk. The clerk looked very concerned, and asked the bride: “What happened to you? You look as if you’ve gone ten rounds with Evander Holyfield?” “It’s my husband!” she gasped. “Oh, my God! When he told me that he’d been saving up for seventy-five years, I thought he meant his money!”

Don't tell your mother my father said as he entered my bedroom and locked the door behind him. Handing me a small bowl of rice, I ate hurriedly out of fear my mother would discover I was eating without her permission.

A guy walking down the street sees a girl with perfect breasts A guy walking down the street sees a girl with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?” “Are you crazy?!” – she says and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he requests again. “Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?” She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.” So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?” “Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

When we knew we were in trouble My son, 4-5ish (who is an adult now) came walking into the living room one day carrying an entire box of cheezits. "Nuh uh. That box stays in the kitchen." This kid takes a slow look around the room between myself and my spouse, then runs into the kitchen, grabs a bowl, dumps the entire box into a bowl, drops the box, runs back into the living room and presents the bowl triumphantly like he's presenting the birth of a new king at pride rock. We look at each other and say in unison "Uh oh" This kid has spent his entire life with this mentality. We have to be very careful with our wording when talking to him sometimes.

Ghosting and loving it... Recently, my company introduced a new process for supplying customers with expensive consumables. Previously, this process involved a lot of direct communication — numerous emails and face-to-face meetings with customers to understand their needs. However, while I was on PTO, everything changed. Without any notice or consultation, a completely new system was implemented. My team, which used to handle about 65% of the previous process, had no involvement whatsoever in designing or approving this new method. Now, instead of collaborating directly with customers and colleagues, I’ve been given a standardised form divided into four sections — one for me, one for Sales, one for Logistics, and one for Territory Assistants and Managers. My section of the form is minimal: all I do is indicate how many boxes to supply. Critical details such as who the customer is, where the order is going, pricing adjustments, and preferential rates — information I used to manage — are no longer included. To make things worse, customer details on the forms are often incorrect. I used to fix those errors in the system, but I no longer have permission to do so; that’s now handled by head office. Even though I know my customer base well and try to provide accurate updates, my emails now bounce back. When I raised these issues, I was simply told to “follow the form” and not deviate. So I did. I completed my section, sent it to the designated address, and moved on. Nothing happened — until months later, when a customer called to say they were running critically low on consumables. I escalated the issue to my manager, but by that point, I had already submitted 24 forms without any feedback or visible results. Recently, while I’ve been off recovering from surgery, I received an email asking for the same data I used to provide under the old system. I’ve chosen not to respond — that information is scattered across old emails and records, and it’s no longer my responsibility. Ironically, the new process that was supposed to reduce costs and simplify operations has left three department heads confused and unable to proceed. They don’t know the customer names, product details (we have 197 different products), or order history — only the number of boxes. The system they rely on can’t function without accurate data input, and since I’m now strictly following the form as instructed, that data isn’t being entered any more. In short, the new process has stripped away the practical knowledge and collaboration that once made the system work. It’s inefficient, confusing, and ultimately counterproductive.

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan: Why so glum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell! Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway. Guy: Gee, that sounds great! Satan: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it! Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow... that's awesome! Satan: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs?? Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean... Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares. Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place! Satan: You gay? Guy: No... Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.

Kitchen-duty This is starting to be a long time ago now. I was working on IT support for a municipality, traveling around and fixing incidents and fulfilling requests. My team was at the office a varying amount, but I would say 80-100% traveling between tasks. As many who work in offices probably have experience from… the kitchen is always a mess. Coffecups and plates just laying around. We had even bought an industrial dishwasher, either easy to load trays. One for plates, one for bowls, and one for cups and glasses. But people are stupid/lazy, and put things on the bench or in the wrong tray. So a genius found out that we need a rotating «kitchen duty» plan. So everyone has 1 day where they are responsible for the kitchen. This wasn’t a kitchen for making food. So it was basicly just a coffe machine, fridge and microwave. The list came out. And I saw my team on the list. So I immediately contact the ones responsible and explain that my team is traveling most of the day. We are rarely at the office, and usually grab a lunch while traveling, so we shouldn’t be on the list. They reply that «everyone will be on the list». So again raise the issue that we’re not at the office…. And I get a reply saying we’ll just have to come to the office to take our responsibility. Here my malicious compliance kicks in My day comes up. So i go to the office, turn on an audiobook. And take my place in the kitchen. Whenever someone came into the kitchen to place something on the counter I would make a noise, pointing to the trays. If they put it wrong, I would point to the PICTURE of where to place the thing. I did this for 7 hours that day. I got some questions about my workload. In which I replied I had a lot to do. But I had kitchen duty, so wouldn’t be able to go out to any of the incidents. After the second time I did this, and the big boss asked questions, the list was finally changed, and my team was removed! :D The person responsible for the list still thought it was unfair that we didn’t have to do kitchen duty :p

At the campfire last night I said, “How about I tell a spooky story?” My wife goes, “Please, honey, don’t. Every time you do it’s just about a ghost who has sex with an owl. It upsets the whole family!” I said, “Well boo fuckin’ hoo!”

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin... She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

I'm using too much of my PTO? I work at a massive company in corporate. Great place but unfortunately was stuck under a micromanaging director who had random neurotic episodes Our team was always burnt out because if mr. Director saw you leave your desk for any reason like to go to the bathroom, get water, or take a lunch break, he took that as you not being busy enough and would pile on even more useless work. And if you left a minute before 5:05 he got *really* upset. Oh, and forget about working from home (everyone else did) Finally the time came for the big international trip I had been planning for *years* that was now possible after covid. I hardly took time off and slaved away the whole year while my friends on other teams enjoyed life. We were more pressured this year to always be working and not take time off. *We had so much work we couldn't even take time off.* I ensure everything is wrapped up first, plus it's december so most people are out anyway. Take my 1.5 week trip and had an amazing time Fast forward a month and my manager (who reports to mr. Director) tells me that I need to watch out and not take so much vacation. He states matter-of-factly that I need to be more careful about using my days and I've actually run out of time to take off What? We're checking vacation days? I was shocked as we were repeatedly told that we should **not** log our days in the system because they aren't checking. It's an "honor system". And nobody cares how many days you take if it's reasonable I ask what should I do differently? I always check well in advance and add it on your calendar. Should I start logging my days in the system? How is that possible if I have at least a week left? (I keep track myself) He won't give me a straight answer and is super vague Okay. Since we're now tracking vacation days, I'll make sure I log everything in the system I went in and backlogged all of the days I had ever taken off prior years. Weeks upon weeks of PTO. Even needed HR approval since some were so long ago. Manager had to go in and approve every single request since it notifies you and requires you to respond. Going forward I submitted everything. And yes, I had plenty of PTO left Manager starts getting annoyed. Says that I really don't need to log time off. I stop him right there, "but I thought I was taking too much vacation? We all need to be sure that we're being truthful about the honor system" He doesn't know what to say Later a teammate tells me what really went down. Turns out one day, Mr. Director decided that his team was taking too much time off. That all the useless work he assigned was "not getting done". He had one of his tantrums and started freaking out and tracked down every day off, doctor's appointment, sick day, etc. that our team of 8 people had taken going back at least a year. He was checking calendars, digging up emails, asking other people if they saw us this day or that. Even though he had told us time and time again "you don't need to log your days, we're not checking" But because Mr. director was a B-cluster narcissist, he was much too busy and important to take up his concerns with us lowly employees directly. Or to talk things through like an adult and get all the facts first... but not too busy to account for every hour I wasn't at work This would be one of many "infractions" that came out of nowhere. Mr. director was also an extremely difficult person to work with. Other teams did not want to work with our team. He treated people poorly and I can't tell you how many people flat out hated him And guess what? Nobody had used anywhere near all their PTO. There were zero performance concerns and we were an extremely high performing team due to the constant fear of setting him off. I always asked for feedback and got nothing Yet coworkers with planned family trips were getting pressured into pushing them back again, and again, and again, because mr director needed them there sitting at their desk in case something important came up! Meanwhile mr. Director made sure to use more than his allotted PTO days and frequently took week-long trips I made sure to use the rest of my PTO days since they were now being tracked. Mr. director actually tried to stop it, but I threatened to take it up with HR since I had plenty of time left and he backed off Thankfully I escaped that team and moved internally. I was doing so much work, much of it technical for a non-technical team, that nobody knew how to do it. Mr director was frantically reaching out to me and *demanding* me to fix stuff. Even though I spent my last 2 weeks documenting and transitioning over everything. I chose to ignore him, and it felt great My old teammates still there are miserable. The people that replaced us are already trying to leave. One guy, who'd been with the company for years, completely left the company a month after joining this team when realizing his mistake

"Use your personal phone as work equipment"? Okay, but when it dies I have no other backup so don't expect me to finish the job. Some years ago I did a brief stint as a mail carrier with the postal service. Every Sunday, people were mandated to come in on rotation to do Amazon deliveries, and the rotation was usually split in two groups 1:3 ratio, with 1 person from the tenured carriers and 3 people from the contract carriers per branch, with 3-4 branches reporting to our location as we were the sorting hub. This particular Sunday, we had the following complications: * All four people from my branch were new/contract carriers, including myself, because it was Labor Day Weekend and the tenured folks could not be mandated in. This was only my second Sunday delivery and I hadn't really been trained * our postmaster was subbing in at an out of state location, so we had someone filling in for her. the sub postmaster was out this day, so we had one of the lower supervisors filling in for him. a sub for the sub. this person had just come back from a two-month suspension for threatening to kill someone *in writing* * our scanners weren't working that day, which also meant the auto-generated routes weren't populating on them (because it was Sunday, they were dynamic routes that changed every week based on what packages we had/where they were going). we had to go by printed routes (with no directions on them). When we brought it up to the sub supervisor that the scanner gps wasn't working, she told us to "just use your phones." We were like what? No, absolutely not, it's bullshit to expect us to use our personal devices as work equipment and not get compensated for us, especially for those of us who don't have unlimited data plans. She insisted, so we called our union reps from our respective branches, who told us we were well within our rights to pack up and go home but that we'd not get paid for the day, but if we stayed and couldn't finish we'd get paid the full day+any overtime. Three people walked out and went home and I don't blame them, but it did mean the rest of us had to pick up their slack. I stayed because I couldn't afford to lose the pay. I did warn this supervisor that as a young femme-presenting person I didn't feel comfortable going without any sort of communications so as soon as my phone died I'd be coming back and going home, regardless how many packages I still had left. She brushed me off, but off I went. Sure enough, my phone died around 3pm. I messaged her when I had 1% left and told her I was on my way back; she frantically tried reaching out to me to tell me she figured out the gps and was sending another carrier out to meet me to show me how to do it on my scanner. I ignored them. When I returned she tried to write me up for insubordination/refusal to deliver. I refused to sign the write up, and wrote up my own undeliverable report detailing everything that had happened, including the instructions she gave and what our union rep told us. She refused to sign THAT in retaliation. I took her pen and wrote MANAGER REFUSED TO SIGN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT in all caps, and called the rep back right in front of her to let them know I'd be filing a grievance the next day, and went to go unload my truck. As I was unloading, I saw other carriers also coming back and having the same conversation with her; apparently they'd heard me tell her in the morning what I planned to do and decided to do the same. The sub postmaster AND the district postmaster both had to come in to finish delivering the packages. I quit not long after this, but I heard from other carriers she was fired by the end of the year. I now have a newfound understanding for the bullshit the mail carriers put up with and have since started leaving snacks/waters for my mail carriers.

A guy walks into a bar with a box... He sits down and starts ordering several drinks. "What's in the box?" Asks the bartender "Ugh, just get me another drink...? Grumbles the man. Bartender says "show me what's in the box and the next ones on the house." The man nods places the box on the bar and takes out a small piano and a man about a foot tall comes out and starts playing the most beautiful music he has ever heard. "where the hell did you get that?" Asks the bartender. The man replies "There is a genie out side granting wishes but..." Before he can finish the bartender runs out side and sees the genie, and yells "I wish for a million bucks!" After a puff of smoke there are a million ducks walking around quaking. The bartender runs back inside and yells at the guy "Hey you didn't tell me the genie was hard of hearing!" The guy turns around slowly and says with a smirk, "Did you think I really wished for a 12 inch pianist

My best friend loves Batman. So I said to him after our 6th beer: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” Him (rolling his eyes): “Go on, then.” So I growl: “**NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!**” Him: “That’s Superman.” Me: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.

10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident.... When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!" 9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

Show me your best, most expensive product. When I was working in retail, the stuff we stock are generally meant for everyman use. That means that they are not very highly priced, and the quality is also average. Not poor, mind you, but definitely not "Fortnum and Mason" kind of quality. Product for the masses--affordability is key. In comes this lady, who tells me about a problem she has. I recommended several solutions, which, like I said, are everyday brands which are affordable. "Hmm," this lady wrinkles her nose, "why are you showing me all this cheap stuff? Show me the most expensive stuff you have. I only want the best stuff. Price really is no object." "Sure!" I grin, knowing this is the time I put all my store knowledge to good use. I lead her behind the store. "Here Madam are all our premium products. We have this Premium Product, which works amazing and has plenty of good reviews. And it is simple and easy to use, too! Unlike the Cheap Product and Mid Product that I showed you earlier, this one just needs to be used once or twice, and your problem will all clear up." (Note: Premium Product is 5x the price of the Mid Product.) "And over here, we have Deluxe Product, which you'll just need to use once! And look how easy it is to use..." (Deluxe Product is even more expensive than Premium Product.) Now our dear customer has gone very, very, quiet, and is starting to look a little uncomfortable. "Wow," she mutters under-her-breath-but-also-in-a-voice-loud-enough-for-me-to-hear, "that's expensive." "Shall we return to looking at the Cheap and Mid Products?" I ask with a smile. "Yes please," she says, looking relieved. She becomes much more receptive after that to my suggestions. Well, I guess price *was* an object after all.

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs. I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original. Thanks for the gold !

My HOA's battle with the community cat Last year a cat started talking to mine through a window. I thought this was cute that they decided to be friends, but when I opened the door, the stray cat ran off. I assumed I would never see him again since no cats survive very long outside where I live. We have coyotes, hawks, and owls which have all lead to me never seeing the same cat more than once in the eleven years I've lived here. This cat, who we've since named Blue, is just different. He kept coming by to visit every day for a month. Eventually, he walked inside the house. My wife caught him and took him to the Humane Society assuming they would put him up for adoption. Instead they told us about their community cat program. They spayed and vaccinated him, clipped his ear, and told us to return him where we found him. We released him and assumed after kidnapping him and chopping his balls off that he'd never want to have anything to do with us again. Instead, he kept coming by. He would come inside, snuggle our dogs and cat and sleep with them all day, then go out at night and do whatever he wanted. Then we'd be walking the dogs around the neighborhood, and he would start following us which everyone who saw thought was hilarious. Everyone except my HOA that is. They got pissed, claimed the cat was mine, and told me that I couldn't let him out unsupervised. We started keeping him inside and just taking him on walks with the dogs to get his wiggles out because when he didn't get outside time, he would start destroying everything in the house. This was working pretty well, but he kept eating any low lying bird families, and this pissed off a couple of the neighbors who again complained to the HOA. So then the board proposed a change to the neighborhood rules that would require all pets to be leashed, not just dogs. A lot of people wrote in saying this was idiotic, joking about leashing their turtles and guinea pigs, etc. Nevertheless, the board passed the new rule. When I read it, I realized it didn't say anything about the length of the leash or that it needed to be held. So we got him a ridiculously short leash that he now just drags along behind him. I also contacted the Humane Society and told them how ridiculous my HOA has been, and they are going to send their social media team over to make some videos of the cat for their channels. Edit: so I think cat tax means photos. Couldn't figure out how to include photos on this post, but here's some for you [https://www.reddit.com/r/SleepingCats/comments/1cgbqej/mass\_hysteria/](https://www.reddit.com/r/SleepingCats/comments/1cgbqej/mass_hysteria/)

In Order To Couple Trains, The Book Says To Make Them Kiss This story of malicious compliance was shared with me by my grandfather many years ago, so some details may be lost, and I am not sure about all of the job titles. However, I will do my best to convey the main idea as I recall it. My grandpa used to work for the railroad as a Signalman. His role was to ride on the back of the train and use a lantern to communicate through signals to the train driver at the front. At that time, trains were much shorter than they are today. In modern times, safety regulations are written in blood and have good reasons behind them. My grandpa said that back in those days, safety protocols were still being developed, and those working on the trains had a better understanding of what was truly safe and effective, as opposed to what the rulebook suggested. A bit more information: the mechanism that connects trains is called a 'coupling,' and the two parts come together, lock, and they're solidly connected. Now, to compare the situation to LEGOs, you don't just delicately set one LEGO on top of another and expect them to connect. You have to put these bits of plastic together firmly enough to get that **Snap!** noise. Train couplings are similar, only we're talking about metal carriages that are weighed in tons, not tiny plastic bits measured in grams. So instead of a **Snap!**, you need a good, proper **Bang!** Onward to the actual story! The train depot had recently hired a new manager (I'm not sure if they have an official title, so I'll just refer to him as a manager), who decided to be very By The Book. He very quickly became hated by everyone, because the rulebook of the time was written by someone more concerned with creating arbitrary rules rather than ensuring that things would actually work. Grandpa grabbed his lanterns and jumped into the caboose at the end of a line of trains. The engine backed up along the track to prepare for coupling, and the manager came running out, yelling and waving his arms. The engine driver and the manager argued back and forth, and even Grandpa could see the engine driver's exasperated sigh from the back of a train. Malicious compliance was initiated! The engine slowly backed along the track until the couplings came together in a gentle kiss (or as gentle as two multi-ton titans can kiss). The chain of trains didn't even shudder. The engine driver then moved forward, leaving the line of trains behind. The couplings touched, but there was no **Bang!** to signal their connection. Grandpa signaled that it didn't work. The train stopped, then slowly and gently reversed again. Another kiss, but no coupling. Pulled forward, backed up, tried again. Kiss. No coupling. This repeated for fifteen minutes before the engine driver and the manager got into another argument. Grandpa said he could guess the argument: Engine Driver: "This isn't working, and we're wasting time! We need to get back on schedule!" Manager: "Nope! Keep following the book exactly! No deviation. The book says this will work, so follow the book until it does!" Fifteen more minutes passed of Kiss. No coupling. Pull forward, back up, try again. They had been at it for 30 minutes by now, and the train was officially behind schedule. However, the manager was still insisting that they MUST keep doing it by the book. Finally, someone higher up (the Depot/Station Master?) came along, trying to find out why the engine was acting like the slowest pendulum in existence and why they had wasted half an hour. After getting the story from both the Engine Driver and Manager, Depot Master finally told the manager to shut his howling screamer and let the people who actually work on trains get the job done. This stupid process had gone on long enough, and it was painfully obvious that the book was wrong. The manager crossed his arms and was steaming. The engine pulled forward a bit more than by the book. The whistle blew its warning call, and then came in reverse at a good clip. Obviously not at full ramming speed, but fast enough to get the job done. **Bang!** The line of trains shuddered gently, then the engine pulled forward. The trains were FINALLY coupled. Grandpa signaled "All good," and the train got underway. Grandpa didn't get to hear the reaming, but the manager looked like a little boy getting the scolding of his life as the caboose passed him on its way out of the depot.