50+ Old People Jokes

The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting... He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

Gay Couple on a Plane A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane. "What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a napkin, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. Flight attendants pretend to not hear them, as they also don't give a damn. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Timothy. So Jeremiah and Timothy have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a napkin and he got fucked in the ass..."

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?" "We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

An old man is selling watermelons... His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10 A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..." EDIT: my first gold :O Thansk!

"All modifications must be restored to the original." I told this story to a friend. She suggested I share it here. My family and I moved into a house in 2008 - 5 bedrooms, 3,200 sq ft, $1,600 a month. It was a decent price in 2008, and the rent stayed the same for many years. Since I'm reasonably handy, I would fix things myself rather than bother an old man. I lived there so long that I also made quite a few upgrades. In 2024, the owner passed away, and his son inherited the property. A week later, he gave notice of intent to inspect the property. During the inspection, he kept trying to open drawers and look through my belongings, which isn't legally allowed, and was rude when I stopped him. As he left, he handed me a notice that my rent was increasing to $4,000 monthly, about $1,000 over market value. I would have paid higher rent if it had been reasonable, but I wasn't paying that much. My month-to-month lease was worded to require three months' notice to raise the rent. I pointed out this fact, then gave him notice that I would be moving out at the end of that three months. A few days later, I was served with an eviction notice. The month-to-month lease also required three months' notice to evict me without cause, so he tried evicting me with cause. He claimed I had made "unauthorized modifications" to the house and cited the back door with a dog door installed. I still had the original door in the garage and the previous owner's permission, so it was neither unauthorized nor a modification. Regardless, the judge decided I needed to move out within 30 days, or he would grant the eviction. Additionally, he explicitly ordered that all modifications be restored to the original. This is where the malicious compliance comes in, and I'm sure you already see this coming. All the "Smart House" additions I made were removed. The tool shed in the yard was removed. The pond was filled in. Closet organizers were torn out. Garage organizers were removed. The updated appliances were replaced with basic models. Every update I made was removed, and then I moved out. He sued me for removing everything. His lawyer cited a law that says any changes to the property become part of the property, and it's illegal to remove them when vacating the property. However, my lawyer pointed out the order from the previous judge, stating, "All modifications must be restored to the original." I provided receipts for all the things I had removed, proving I had added them and was required to remove them. I won the case, and he had to pay my legal fees. A few months later, I got a call from his sister. Some of my mail had not been forwarded, and she wanted to ensure I got it. We had a short conversation about the entire ordeal. She told me the house was actually inherited by four siblings. Her brother had lied to everyone. First, he had raised the rent, knowing I would move out. He already had a deal to sell the house to one of those big rental companies. He told his siblings the house had negative equity and nobody would get anything from the sale. In reality, the house was paid off and worth about $700,000. They had made an offer on the house, which included all the stuff I later removed. He couldn't afford to replace everything, so they took him to court over the sale. Since all four siblings were listed as owners, all were named in the lawsuit, which is how they learned the truth. In the end, the house sold for $550,000. In exchange for not pressing fraud charges against him, his three siblings split the proceeds, and he got nothing. **Edit:** A lot of people asked the same questions. Rather than respond to them individually, I will post them here. **Q. How did everything happen so fast after the landlord died?** A. I guess my wording wasn't clear. I don't actually know when he died. I only talked to the guy once or twice a year. This all started about a week after I was notified of his death in February of 2024. I moved out in early June. We went to court over the removals in September, and I spoke with his sister in December. Everything I posted happened over the span of nearly a year. **Q. Why did I rent for 17 years instead of buying a house?** A. I moved into the house during my divorce in 2008. Buying a house during a divorce is not easy. I chose this house because it was large enough for me and three kids and close to their schools. By the time they moved out, I was set in my ways. I planned to buy another place at some point but was in no rush. **Q. How did his siblings not know what he was up to?** A. I don't know. Everything involving me was my firsthand experience. Everything that happened after that was secondhand information I got from his sister. I can't confirm what she told me; I can only share what she said. **Q. Why did I do so many upgrades in a rental?** A. I wasn't tearing out walls or replacing floors. Everything I did was reversible and done to make my life easier. Also, the landlord was re

Two gay men are travelling... ...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve. "You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..." "Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

I apologise if this isn't allowed. New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

Old man and the prostitute [NSFW] A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to..." Prostitute: "c'mon man.... give it a try... " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to...." "...pay you" replied the old man.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife... The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon." The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book. "What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard. "I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man. "Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here." "I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man. "How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard. And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."

An elderly man in Louisiana ... ... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Some old men can still think fast....

The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the poor creature. Shocked beyond words, the woman went around the man as quickly as possibly and drove on. Speeding toward some lights in the distance, she discovered a bar with a sheriffs car parked outside. "It figures", she thought, and resolved to go inside and file a complaint. On a rocking chair near the door, an old man was sitting and masturbating openly. Horrified, she stomped into the bar and straight away went up to the sheriff, who was sitting at the bar. She shouted at the sheriff: "What sort of town are you running here?! You've got people running around the desert fucking coyotes, and- and just outside there was an old man masturbating openly! How can you explain this?!" The sheriff sipped his beer and said, "Ah well, you can't expect him to catch a coyote at his age"

Didn't I??? A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Satan appeared at the front of the church A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

A rich old man goes golfing with his friends And he brings along a gorgeous young lady. "Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty. After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!" "I lied about my age" "And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?" "I told her I was ninety" EDIT: Spelling

How did the 90 year old man know his wife died? The sex was the same but the dishes started to pile up.

How old do you think I am? A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." “Oh, yes,” she says, "I remember it well." “Okay,” he replies, "How about taking a stroll around again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, ‘I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them and make sure there's no trouble.’ So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, ‘this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.’ As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.”

A bear joke An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Irish fisherman It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man. 'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub. Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth.'

A small geographical difference An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant Lucas Carton in Paris with his girlfriend. He orders a bottle of Rothschild Mouton 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount in a glass for tasting. The man barely smells the wine before putting the glass down and stating: "This is not a 1928 Mouton!" Soon, almost 20 people are standing around the table. This includes the chef and the restaurants owner. Every single one is trying to convince the old man that it is, in fact, a 1928 Mouton. The waiter then asks: "How can you be so sure this *isn't* a 1928 Mouton?" The elderly man then states: "My name is Phillip de Rothschild, and I produce this wine!" The waiter then admits that the wine actually is a Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear the thought of us parting with the last bottle of Mouton 1928. You know, Clerc Milon is produced in the exact same village, with the exact same grapes, the same type of baskets and aged in the exact same barrels. The wines are *exactly* the same, the only difference is that the vineyards are on the other side of the village." Rotschild turns to the waiter and says: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to undress, and put one finger in each hole. Pull them out, and smell them. You'll then understand the importance of a small geographical difference."

The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye: "Honey, please be honest with me. I'm not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while. I've always found our 6th son a bit weird...different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn't he?" The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, asks for forgiveness and buries her face in her hands, while nodding. The husband, curious: "So, who's the father?" The wife, very sincere, answers "It's you..."

A man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car!" he yells. "You're going to give me $10,000 right now, or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!" "Oh my," says the old man. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son. He trains dolphins, and he will know what to do." "Dolphins?" the other driver huffs while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man. "So you're a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car, and I need 10 grand right now, or I'm going to beat you and your old man to a pulp!" "I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end. Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up, and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said, "For the last time, Dad, I train seals. Navy Seals, not dolphins."

You will forget. An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

An elderly Jewish man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "And my beautiful grandchildren ... are they here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. The old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Buying Condoms.... A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?" "Sure. What size are you?" "I don't know," he replies. "Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter." A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?" "Well, I don't know." "Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter." A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store. Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he says nervously. "Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

A couple in their 80's A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!" Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things... Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure..' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' (EDIT: formatting)

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

An old man is dying.. His grandson asks him, "papa.. What will happen to your body when you die?" the grandfather looks up weakly at him and says, "I decay...". Just then his monitor flat lines and the boy sat wondering why his grandfather didnt know what would happen to his corpse.

A ninety-five-year-old man married a twenty-three-year-old girl prompting fears for his health from the wedding guests. They were afraid that the wedding night might prove fatal because he was a frail old man and she was a vivacious young woman. But the next morning everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairwell of the hotel very slowly, step by step, and painfully bow-legged. Eventually she managed to hobble to the front desk. The clerk looked very concerned, and asked the bride: “What happened to you? You look as if you’ve gone ten rounds with Evander Holyfield?” “It’s my husband!” she gasped. “Oh, my God! When he told me that he’d been saving up for seventy-five years, I thought he meant his money!”

An 85 year old man had to go to the doctor for a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

So there was a stork carrying an old man.. ..and the old man turns to it and says: "Would you at last admit it that we are lost?"

A woman in a supermarket watched as a grandfather struggled to control his badly behaved grandson. The child screamed for sweets, biscuits, and other treats. Despite the child’s outbursts, the grandfather remained calm and composed, saying, “Easy, William, we won’t be long now… easy, boy.” After another outburst, the grandfather calmly said, “It’s okay William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there boy.” At the checkout, the child threw items out of the cart. The grandfather again spoke calmly, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We will be home in five minutes, stay cool William.” After witnessing this, the woman approached the grandfather and complimented him on his patience. “William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.” The old man looked startled for a second, then turned and said, “Oh no, my name is William, this little bitch is Kevin.”

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger woman by his side He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.' ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "*my grandmother told me that the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.*" The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He said, "But what about all of this money? How did you manage to save all this money?" "Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

On his 70th birthday, an old man received a coupon from his wife... The coupon paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Don't assume I am a crook This happened a few years back, when I was between jobs, a mini-recession was underway, and I wanted a who-cares job in a high-energy environment. I ended up managing a food stand at the local NHL hockey arena. In the stand there was myself (Stand Lead), one head cashier, a cook, a runner, and a number of cashiers. This company started from the position that all their employees were crooks - sorry to be so blunt, but that was their reality. It was not an unfounded position - refilling beer cups and pocketing the cash from the sale was not a rare practice. I had two of my cashiers fired after secret shoppers caught them. The trick was to do this with non-inventory items. At the start and end of a night I counted everything: Beer cups, the cardboard triangles on which pizza was served, popcorn bags, bags of potato chips, etc. Bulk items could not be counted: Popcorn, draft beer, nacho chips, etc. At the end of the night we garbaged the bulk items that cannot be carried over to the next night: Cooked hot dogs, pizza sliced, popcorn, etc. We may have wolfed down a few items. "We're closed, I'm going to toss these three leftover slices in the bin, anyone want one?" I recorded the waste (three slices), but they may not have all made it into the garbage. Apparently some suit envisioned that stands might loading up with extra food from the delivery folks, or cooking extra hot dogs. Manglement got their panties in a twist about us eating the garbage, and sent a memo that all waste was to be boxed up and carried down to the warehouse. So we did as told. After counting the waste, into the box went a random assortment of pizza slices, hot dogs, and popcorn. It wasn't put in neatly. There was always lots of popcorn. Manglement probably didn't care about the popcorn, but the directive was vague so they got it anyway. The box was stuffed with popcorn. If the warehouse ever did anything with what was in that box, it would be a fermenting fly-infested mess by the time they got around to opening the boxes. At the after-work beer party the directive was discussed, none of the stand leads liked the assumptions made regarding our integrity, and they adopted the practice. A month or two later I had reason to chat with the warehouse on another topic, and I asked them what they did with all the food waste that was brought down. Answer: We toss it right into the dumpster, we're not digging through that mess. "You never go in and count anything?" Nah, the suits tried to make us, but we refused, we already have full time jobs and they wouldn't hire anyone whose job description was to dig through garbage. It's just the suits trying to intimidate you stand leads. I resumed binning my waste, and not lugging anything down to the warehouse. Nobody noticed. I passed the word. Neither we, nor the warehouse, told management. The empty suits never noticed.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Dyslexia wins! Hey yall it's your friendly neighborhood meat counter guy. I had an order waiting for a customer who we'll call John. He ordered a whole ham. It was waiting all by its lonesome in our meat back room, untagged for some reason. I get it for him and weigh it out and the price comes to 46.31. He begins to take the ham and then asks me to cut it in half. I said "well okay sure", but the second I agree to this he says "oh could you trim it off the bone ??" This carving is not only something I can't do, but it's a different price . I end up throwing out the original ticket instead of tagging it, mainly because I forgot. He took the ham from me and said "well I'm sorry your such a funking idiot and can't figure out how to cut a ham ... when does the butcher come back?" I told him that he comes in at 7am. He leaves without (additional) incident and I eventually get a call from the cashier who asks my dyslexic ass for the price. I said "31.46". Then he said "really?" Which should have been N indicator. I suddenly hear the customer in the background grumbling his Dennis the menace Mr Wilson grumble as the cashier tells me that the customer doesn't think that's the right price and I better change the price. Enter MC. I thought as this was going on that the cashier questioning the price was more like an "oh wow that's cheap" and I realized the price I said was wayyy too cheap. I told him "hey tell the customer I'll happily change the price for him, and he can even come with to see the price change. Old man river (John, Mr Wilson, what have you) saunters back to the meat department along with his ham in a handbasket , looking like little red riding hood , with equally naive expectations of the next few moments of his life. In comes the big Bad wolf to weigh the ham I even say what I'm ringing up as I look up the code ... so whole ham, farmers, not spiral sliced ... 2.49 a pound, here ya go ! Tag is for $46.31, which is visible to his side as well as mine. "Oh I see what happened. My bad sir my dyslexia kicked in over the phone. It was 46.31, not 31.46. Here ya go". The audible exhale of breath was enough to energize me for the rest of the shift , just like ScreamJuice or whatever it is fueled monster inc. TLDR. I changed the price of a ham. Twice.

A rich man on his deathbead... calls his three lawyers in for a final consultation. "They say you can't take it with you, but I'm going to prove them wrong! I'm giving you each a third of my money. At my funeral, I want you to throw it in my grave so that it's buried with me." After the funeral, the lawyers are gathered for a drink when one of them says "I have a confession to make. I'm really behind on my mortgage, so I took 1/4 of the money and threw the rest of it in." The second lawyer responds. "I have to confess, I'm also having money problems. My Mercedes just broke down and the repair bills are killing me. I took half the money and threw the rest in." The third lawyer indignantly blusters at the other two "I'm ashamed of you both ripping off an old man like that. Why I'll have you know I threw in a check for the full amount!"

Semen Sample An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad." Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

So three old men met on a Sunday morning... "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock: no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

New Manager Forces Me To Take Lunches, So I do. So the place I work at had mandatory lunch hours we're supposed to take between certain hours based on what hours we're working. I'm an operator, so it's not like I can just walk away from the job if somethings going on. My duty is to keep the plant running, and make sure nothing bad is happening to the equipment. So, after constantly having to call the old manager about missing my clock ins or clock outs because I got busy with something, he told me about this survey I could fill out whenever this happened that basically said "I took my lunch, I just didn't clock out for it" and payroll would adjust it accordingly. So, on that note, if you're on an official clocked out lunch as an operator, and an alarm goes off or you're interrupted for any reason, you have to clock back in and address the issue, and then either clock out again and retake your entire lunch, or just call a manager/fill out the survey and you're basically paid for your lunch. So, I filled out the survey every single morning, choosing to just skip the whole ordeal of trying to remember my lunches. That's literally what the survey is for. Now, onto the MC. New manager comes in, a month in he pulls me aside and says I haven't been clocking out for lunches. I inform him of the survey. He tells me that's only for the occasional missed lunch. I disagree with him, the writing clearly states "I voluntarily choose to skip my meal". He basically orders me to start clocking out for lunch. Sneaky MC ensues. So for the next two weeks, since I have a two hour window to take a half hour lunch I waited until about the last half hour and then specifically wait until I see a certain piece of equipment drawing close to a nuisance alarm level, and then clock out for lunch. Somewhere between 5-10 minutes later the alarm goes off. Oops, guess I have to clock back in, and go silence that alarm. Oh no! Not enough time left to restart my lunch! I did that for two weeks straight, forcing the company to pay me for my half hour interrupted lunches. New manager tried to ignore it. Until HIS boss (who was like..old old manager, but got promoted a few years back) comes down to ask me why I stopped filling out the survey. I inform him of New Managers instructions, to which he rolls his eyes and tells me to go back to using the survey. Never heard another word about it. And the cherry on top? We just got all new time clocks a few weeks ago. The survey lingo pops up when we clock out now, instead of just a name and a time. . So I STILL don't have to clock out for lunch. Now I just click 'Ok', agreeing that I took my lunch at some point, and I'm good to go. \*fist pump\* Edit- Alright let me add some stuff because y’all seem to think I’m giving the company free money. First of all- I’ll be honest, a lot of my job is sitting around doing nothing. The plant runs itself for the most part. I’m paid to REACT to upsets, not sit here and do a task nonstop for 8 hours. So IMO a lot of my time is a break. Second of all- this is a union job. Third of all- I AM taking my lunch, I’m just choosing not to clock out for it. My hours remain the same whether I clock out for it or not, the survey just ensures I don’t get paid extra for a “missed” lunch. If I do legitimately miss my lunch because of an upset, the survey also has the option to say I missed my lunch, and I’ll get paid an extra half hour for the day. The new time clocks have the survey embedded in them when we clock out, defaulted to “I took my lunch”, if I missed my lunch that day, I can change the clock out checkboxes to “I missed my lunch” and I’ll automatically get paid for them. So basically- no I’m not “working for free”. I still take my lunch, and probably take a bit longer than half an hour to cook everything and eat it, but I’m still actively monitoring the system.

Wife has hearing problems A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing." That night, he's sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he's about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, "What's for dinner?" She doesn't respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, "What's for dinner?" She still doesn't respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, "What's for dinner?" She still doesn't say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, "What's for dinner?" She says, "For the fourth damn time we're having chicken!"

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish! When your partner can take no more sex, all she has to say is '1234', and it will go down. But be warned, you will not rise again for another year." That night the old man slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, and says "123" and suddenly, he has the hugest erection ever, just as the medicine man promised! His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for ?

Biting Boobies An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you *$1,000* to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you **$10,000** to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."

An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples... An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of. He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!" Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!" The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer." To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!" The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!" The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...." The old man says "Great! Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!" The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar. She says, "Let's get this over with." She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed. The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts. She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!" The old man replied, "Nope! Too expensive!"

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise... An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man. The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire... **An old couple gets pulled over and...** Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?" Old man - "ugh, what did she say?" Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear." **The old man hands it to the lady cop and...** Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had." Old man - "ugh, what did she say?" Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you." *Cue my grandmother scolding my grandfather for telling a dirty joke in front of the kids.*

Random Drug search A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional... 'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!' 'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest. 'Hell no.' 'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks. 'What sins?' asks the man. After a slight pause the priest says, 'my son, what kind of Catholic are you?' 'I'm not, I'm an Atheist.' Confused, the priest finally asks, 'so why are you telling me this?' 'Are you kidding?' replies the man. 'I'm 90 years old and I fucked two young girls at once. I'm telling EVERYBODY!' Edit: proper paragraphing an such

A famous physicist, an old man, and a boy scout are taking a tourist flight in a small plane. After they reach cruising altitude, the pilot suddenly has a heart attack. His last words before he dies are, "There are two parachutes over there ... good luck." Before they can even talk about how they will divide just two parachutes between the three of them, the physicist grabs hold of the straps of the package next to him, says "The world needs smart people like me", and jumps out of the plane. Shocked, the old man says "Well lad, I've had my time, you take the other parachute." "We'll be okay," says the boy scout, "Mr Genius just jumped out with my rucksack."

old man goes to the Dr.... An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Two gay men were on a train trip During the night when everyone in the train were sleeping, one of the gay men got horny. "Come on, lets do it!" "No, let's not" "Why?" "Maybe the other travelling people will be bothered and awoken by it." "No, they won't! They're all sleeping like pigs. Let me show you. ANYONE GOT A LIGHTER?" See, no one answered, because they are all sleeping." "Alright, let's go." The morning after, the conductor of the train asked the travelers if they had a good night of sleep. Then, a drowsy and disturbed-looking old man in the back of the train replied. "No, I didn't sleep very well at all." "Why not?" Replied the train conductor. "I was freezing." "You could've asked for a blanket." "I was afraid to ask. There was a guy asking for a lighter, and he got fucked in the ass by someone for three hours."

an irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

On the outskirts of town, there was huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. “Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery." He cycled down the road fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The man said, "Shooo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me......." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

90 year old man hears a knock at his door, he opens it to see a stunning woman. She says “I’m here to give you super sex”. He replies… … “I’ll take the soup”

Post Tortoise Politician While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, " When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise." The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

A frog walks into a bank A frog walks into a bank, and approaches the teller. He sees the tellers name tag read Paddy Black and says "I'd like to take out a loan, Mrs. Black" "Certainly," says the teller, "how much would that be for?" "One million dollars." replies the frog. "Don't worry, it's ok, I know the manager." The teller is understandably taken aback by this, and asks if the frog has any collateral to cover this. "As a matter of fact, I do!" says the frog, and he reaches into his pocket and hands over a tiny ceramic elephant. "What?!" says the teller, "This is garbage! I can't take this!" "Well, take it up with my father then!" The frog retorts. "Oh yeah, and who might that be?" The teller is quickly getting more and more annoyed at the frog. "Why, it's Keith Richards!" The frog is waiting impatiently, tapping his toe on the ground. "Now, can I have that loan or not?" "Wait right here" the teller says, as she storms into the back room, looking for her manager. "There's a frog out there who claims to know you, and wants a million dollar loan. He claims his father his Keith Richards! He even gave me this as collateral," she says, holding up the elephant. "I mean, what even is this?" The manager takes a look at the elephant and replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Black, give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"

An 80 year old man goes into a brothel.. Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute nap, and while I'm asleep, I need you to hold my old pecker.". She agrees, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, just as vigorously as before. The girl is amazed at the old man's stamina, and repeats her freebie offer, the old man tells her that once again, he'll need a 20 minute nap and she'll have to hold his cock while he's asleep; she does as he asks, he wakes up 20 minutes later and goes at it again, with even more enthusiasm than previously. The hooker catches her breath, and needing to satisfy her curiosity, asks the old man "I can understand why you need the nap, but why do I have to hold your dick while you're sleeping?" The old man replies "Oh, that's just so you don't steal my wallet."

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow." The next day the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too—first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin' it between her knees—but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"

A sweet couple in their 80's... A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!" Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

Divorce An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked and said, “asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

He Asked His Wife To Bury Him With ALL His Money, So This Is What She Did There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money. He was a real cheapskate when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife: "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him. When one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Just a joke about the devil Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles screaming "I AM BEELZEBUB LORD OF HELL FEAR ME!" Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head. The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted. "I AM BEELZEBUB WHY AREN'T YOU AFRAID OF ME!?" The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said "I've been married to your sister for 60 years."

An old man walks into a bar... ...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball. "I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?" The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid." "That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?" "Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."

At the dentist The wife says, -I have to get a tooth pulled and I have no time for any anesthesia. Just pull the tooth out as quickly as you can so we can get going! The dentist was really impressed, -You are indeed a brave woman! Which tooth is to be removed? She turned to her old man, -Show him your tooth, dear!

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor... An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead." "Now, what do you think of that?", asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." [Not OC of course, but I haven't seen this posted here yet.]

An old couple gets in the mood. There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging... ...that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Missionaries. A priest and a nun are traveling across the Sahara on a missionary trip when the camel they were traveling on died, falling and crushing their water supply. The priest looks at the young, attractive nun and thinks "If we are to die in the service of our lord, surely he will forgive an old man one indulgence." He looks to the nun,takes of his pants, and tells her, "I have something to show you." "My Goodness!" the young, naive nun exclaims. "What is that?" The priest responds "It's my staff of life. A man puts it inside a woman to bring life into this world." "Staff of life?" she says. "Thank God! Shove that thing up the camels ass and let's get the hell outta here!"

Kid with Chicken Wire This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy." The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens." The old man says "You can't catch no chickens with no chicken wire." Later on the kid comes back dragging about a dozen chickens by the chicken wire. The old man looks at him and says "I'll be damned." The next day the boy is walking down the street with a roll of duct tape. The old man says "Say boy, where you goin' with that roll of duct tape?" The boy says "I'm going to get some ducks." The man says "You can't catch no ducks with no duct tape." Later on the kid comes walking down the road with about a dozen ducks stuck to the tape." The old man is astonished. The next day the boy comes walking down the road, with a basket of pussy willows. The old man sees him and says "You wait right there boy, Imma go get my hat."

An old man goes to confession.. An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?". Courtesy of my Dad!

Old man goes to a doctor... Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says: "Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar levels, your ECG is perfect... How is that possible?" "Well" old man replies "probably because I'm physically active. You see, I walk every day, I go fishing regulary..." "No" the doctor interrupts him "that couldn't possibly explain this phenomenon. This must be genetic. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?" "My father is not dead! - the old man replies - He's alive and well just as I am. We go fishing together." The doctor is gobsmacked. With a shaky voice, he asks: "How old is he?" "Almost a hundred. He married young." "Wow! This is phenomenal! Now, how about your grandfather? Can you remember how old was he when he died?" "He's not dead either! He's almost 120." Now the doctor is skeptical. "I guess he too goes fishing with you and your father?" "Oh, no, this week he'll be at home, he's preparing for his wedding" "He's getting married at 120?" "Well, he doesn't really want to, but his parents are nagging him..."

An old man is pulled over... An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife."

An elderly man in Florida . . . An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Old man's wife has hearing problems An old man goes to his doctor. Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out? Doc: Well, how bad is it? Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything. Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is. Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon. So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!" Nothing. He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!" Nothing. He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!" Nothing. Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!". "FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

A pun loving old man forgot to order his tombstone before he passed away This was a grave mistake

3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... (NSFW) 3 grumpy old men are sitting on a park bench... First old man says "Oy, I HATE gettin' old. It's getting to now where I can't take a good healthy piss anymore!" Second old man nods: "You ain't lyin'. Getting old sucks. Just ONCE I wish I could take a big healthy shit like I used to when I was a young man." Third old man shrugs and says, "Well, fellas I gotta say...every morning - regular - right at 6 o'clock - I take a nice, long piss. And every morning at 7:00 - like clockwork - I take a really big healthy shit... I sure wish I could wake up before eight."

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?” The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.” “OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.” “Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.” “Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed. A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old. The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people." The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous." The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife... He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

A frog goes into a bank... A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $10000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $10000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "But I won't be able to..." Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "But you said you won't be able to...." • ⁠ "...pay you." replied the old man.

An old Native American man needed to borrow some money, so he went to the local bank and ... An old Native American man needed to borrow $500, so he went to the local bank and asked to speak to the Loans Officer. The banker welcomed him and began filling out a loan application. Banker: “What are you going to do with the money?” Old man: “Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it.” Banker: “And what do you have for collateral?” Old man: “I don’t know what collateral is.” The banker explained, “Collateral is something valuable we hold in case you can’t pay back the loan. Do you have any vehicles?” Old man: “Yes, a 1979 Chevy pickup.” Banker: “That won’t work. How about livestock?” Old man: “I have a horse.” Banker: “How old is the horse?” Old man: “Don’t know… it has no teeth.” After several more questions, the banker decided to approve the loan. A few weeks later, the old man returned, pulled out a roll of $100 bills, and handed the banker $500. Banker: “Business must be good! What are you going to do with the rest of the money?” Old man: “Keep it close to me.” Banker: “Why don’t you deposit it in the bank?” Old man: “I don’t know what deposit is.” The banker explained, “You put the money in our bank, we take care of it, and whenever you need it, you can take it out.” The old man leaned across the desk, looked the banker in the eye, and asked: “What do you have for collateral?”

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "things are great, and I've never felt better! I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that, doc?" The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun." "As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he left his gun at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled 'bang bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell dead." "Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old replied, "logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "my point exactly."

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants. Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

A frog walks into a bank... ...and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."