100+ Nurse Jokes

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!” Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.” Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

Three friends bragged about who has more sex.... Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100." An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me my $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to try to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I can’t remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!” Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup... I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet." --- Edit: Oh wow! Gold - thank you! Maybe I'm ready after all...

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup... I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry eachother. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O” said the rabbit.

There once was a woman who had 100 children.... She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

My very first dad joke as an actual dad. *On the day my daughter was born* Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

True Story My wife and I went to the hospital today for our final follow up after she had a miscarriage earlier this week (sad face). The room was full of 2 nurses, 2 interns doing residencies, and our doctor. He told us the good news that we can start trying again as soon as we’re ready. I immediately replied “well can you give us the room or do you want to stick around and watch?” That got a real belly laugh from everyone, including my wife, and broke up a lot of the tension in the room. Just thought I would share this dad (to be) joke

The Unemployed Engineer An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Woman in a coma Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that oral sex will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."

A Chinese doctor moved to the U.S. and couldn't find a job at a hospital. So he opened a small clinic and put up a bold sign that read: “Cure for any disease for $20 — If you’re not cured, get $100 back!” One day, a clever American lawyer saw the sign. “This looks like a scam,” he thought, “but maybe I can make a quick $100!” He walked in, feeling confident. Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my sense of taste.” Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops in his mouth.” Lawyer: “Ugh! That’s kerosene!” Doctor: “Perfect! Your taste is back. That’ll be $20.” A few days later, the lawyer came back. Lawyer: “Doctor, I’ve lost my memory. I can’t remember anything.” Doctor: “Nurse, Box 22 — three drops.” Lawyer: “Wait! That’s kerosene again!” Doctor: “Wonderful! Your memory is restored. That’s $20.” Still determined, the lawyer tried one last time. Lawyer: “Doctor, my eyesight is failing. I can’t see a thing!” Doctor: “Ah, sorry — no cure for that. Here’s your $100.” The doctor handed him… $20. Lawyer (squinting): “Hey, wait a minute — this is only $20!” Doctor: “Fantastic! Your eyesight is back. That’ll be $20.”

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Im just fucking with you. This woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it. Smashing it around the hospital room, dropkicking it, etc. The mother is freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging and asking "WHYYYYY?!?!". The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says "Im just fucking with you. It was born dead."

John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I? Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you don't. Edit: double enter

I stake my reputation on the fact we don’t need any extra staff! Years ago I was a union delegate for a hospital that underwent expansion. More services , more beds, an extra operating theatre etc. before the expansion opened the usual fight between the unions and management started over staffing. We went in really well prepared and management took it well offering staffing we wanted. We had a final meeting with about 40 people In the room, HR , department heads and the various unions. We get to a department I will call ABC and the department head say we don’t need any extra staff except for nurses. I argued you have more space and more beds and you need more cleaners , wardsmen admin staff etc. He fires back “ I stake my reputation on it that we don’t need any extra staff”. I ask the minutes record this specifically. A meeting is set down for four weeks after the hospital expansion opening. We let him have his way knowing he wouldn’t be successful. Guess whose department turned into a complete farce? Nothing terrible just lots of little issue. At the next union meeting again with all people Previously present I read out the list of issues department ABC has. I then read out the last minutes with him stating they didn’t need any extra staffing and that the department head had staked his reputation on it. I then asked the head of ABC to justify all of this. He couldn’t. I asked him as he staked his reputation on this and the outcomes have been poor , what does that mean? He gave no answer. I look towards the CEO and said you were here last time and buck stops with you. He agreed to review the situation urgently. The union placed the hospital into formal industrial dispute at the meeting over the lack of staffing in department ABC. The next day the CEO sends out an email stating after a brief conversation with the head of department ABC, he has chosen to seek different career opportunities.

A sign at a Nursery...

The nurse had been rough, rude, and nasty the entire evening in the ER, to the point other nurses were commenting on it. As I was leaving, I looked her dead on the eyes and said "I'm glad you're having a quiet night."

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic.. An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

I'm at the sperm bank and the nurse just asked me to masturbate in the cup I said "well I'm pretty good, but not quite ready to compete yet"

You don't want to see the doctor right here? No problem. I was an ER charge nurse a few years back at a busy facility. In order to increase capacity during busier times, we frequently would bring patients to hallway gurneys to be seen by the doctor. It's not a great setup, literally just a journey in the hallway in front of the nursing desk. But, if the rooms are clogged with patients waiting on beds upstairs, etc, it's a commonly used workaround. So, one night a few years back, we're busy, and non-emergent patients are waiting for hours in the lobby. I am using hallway gurneys to increase throughput. I'm putting stable patients who don't need cardiac monitors into the hallway. So, I bring the next patient from the lobby to a hall gurney. Let's call her "Karen." Karen is bitching because she's been waiting hours. Since American healthcare is all about kissing ass and patient satisfaction, I can't tell her that she's been waiting because her medical complaint would be dumb to take to urgent care, let alone an emergency room. We get to the hallway spot and she pitches a fit. "I've been waiting for hours, I deserve to be in a room, not the hallway," and other shit like that. She sees an open doorway to an empty room and demands that we go there. I say that a different patient will be going into that room, and explain that Karen doesn't need a cardiac monitor for her visit. Karen crosses her arms and says something like, "I don't care, that room is available, so you have to let me use it." I had a department to run, and I was tired of her entitled bullshit. Pointing at the hallway gurney, I said, "Are you refusing to see the doctor in this space?" Her eyes lit up, apparently thinking she had won, and Karen said, "YES, I won't be seen right here!" I said, "No problem." I waved at the security guard a few yards away and said, "Hey Tom, this lady would like to leave now." Karen looked shocked, then started saying she never said that. I reminded her that she clearly stated that she refused to be seen in this bed, and so she was going to have to continue to wait in the lobby until a room became available. She tried to backtrack and said something like, "Fine, I'll see the doctor here." I just shook my head and said, "It's too late for that. You have already refused. Tom will escort you back to the lobby and we'll call you back to a room as soon as we can." Security walked her to the lobby, and she pretty quickly decided to just leave without being seen. ETA: I'm being vague on some points on purpose, #HIPAA. But, her particular complaint was a bullshit reason to come to the ER. She was NOT going to have to disrobe or change into a gown, so visual privacy was not a real concern (it was a more private environment than a crowded lobby, that's for sure). I would also like to say that I was doing her a favor by letting her be seen in the hallway. I had real emergencies that needed the monitored beds, and it would have been negligent of me to give her one of those beds while making a real emergency wait longer. I was putting non-emergent patients into hallway beds to do them a favor so that they could be seen and discharged sooner. My staff was already busy with their own patients. So, these were my own patients that I was fitting in while running a 50 bed ER.

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

"There's no anaesthesiologist listed for this surgery," the nurse pointed out. Their supervisor had a look and said: "The patient is an infant, they don't feel pain."

She gently rocked her newborn, whispering lullabies, ignoring the nurses pounding on the locked nursery door. “They said you died during birth,” she cooed, smiling at the bloodied bundle—“but what do *they* know—because they said I died too.”

The doctor forced a calm voice as he told the pregnant woman, “The ultrasound confirms it’s a boy.” Behind him, the nurse stifled a scream as the monitor showed the foetus waving at them.

The whale jizz on my doorstep 5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum"

[Jun25] Jealous and bitter at not being able to have any biological children of her own, the nurse headed into the park’s public toilets. She was due to administer five preschool booster shots today, but so far she’d only managed to find two needles.

"Don't worry, it's pseudomenstruation which is normal in newborn female babies", the nurse smiled reassuringly. Hell, I wished I knew that before I threw my husband in the pigpen.

We received a patient with a aggressive lung cancer—the nurse who treated him collapsed, followed by three more staff coughing blood. By the time I realized the cancer was airborne, the entire hospital was infected.

A bear and a rabbit are conscripted into the army, and waiting for their medical checkup. The rabbit says to the bear, “listen, I really don't want to go to war. Can you just kick me in the leg, so that when I go in to see the doctor I've got a limp?” The bear says “sure. But can you do the same for me when you come out? I don't want to fight either.” The rabbit agrees and the bear kicks him in the leg. It's a good kick— the rabbit only just manages to keep himself from falling over or crying out— and when he goes into the doctor's office he is, indeed, noticeably limping. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you. Not with that leg” and sends him home. When the rabbit comes out, he returns the favour and kicks the bear in the leg. Unfortunately, however, the bear is a bear and the rabbit is a rabbit— the kick doesn't even hurt. The rabbit tries kicking him again, harder. Tries punching him, biting him, even hitting him with one of the waiting room chairs. By the time the bear gets called in for his check up, the rabbit has spent a good ten or fifteen minutes beating him up all over, and the most he's managed to do is give him a light nosebleed. Sadly, the bear thanks him for doing what he could, and heads in to see the doctor. The doc takes one look at him and says “nope, the army can't use you.” The bear, thrilled but surprised says “what? Because I've got a bloody nose?” And the doc says “no. Because that nurse over there says she just saw you get your ass handed to you by a limping rabbit.”

She found her husband hanging in their freshly-decorated nursery, a rolled up letter poking out of his jeans flies. Pulling the letter free, she unrolled it and read the first line: Semen Analysis Report.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if i'd like to masturbate in the cup... I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but i don't think i am ready to compete just yet"

Penny wise, Pound foolish Every so often, hospitals examine their financial reports and decide that their profits problem is staffing. Never the supply contracts, manager salaries, perks, redecorating the front lobby, advertising costs, or moving the admissions department to a new location for the 3rd time in 10 years. Supervisors at the psychiatric hospital where I worked were told "No More Overtime!" It wasn't a suggestion. The problem was that the pool of qualified staff in the community willing to work there was not that large. As a result, some of our lower paid staff technicians worked 60-80 hours a week to bring staffing levels up to the required minimum, as well as make ends meet at home. Most of the need was during non-program hours on off shifts, which required routine safety checks, and paperwork. One weekend, I had to replace 3 staff on the same night at short notice. I was able to get 2 techs from the in-house pool at regular rate. After spending 2 more hours calling every other staff person on the roster, I scheduled a full-time tech for overtime. I caught hell later in the week when timecards were reviewed for payroll. Nobody wanted to hear my reason for incurring overtime. "Don't do it again or it's going to be a formal reprimand." was the CFO's advice to me. Cue Malicious Compliance. The next pay period, the same thing happened on a weekend. I needed 3 techs for minimum staffing on both Friday and Saturday, but nobody would take the shifts unless I gave them OT. Sorry no can do. I called the most expensive nursing agency in town and ordered 3 RNs at weekend rate with night shift differential for both nights. Agencies charge not only the staff salary but bump up the cost to make a profit since they incurred all the cost of background checks, training, and license verification. To make our lives easier and comply maliciously, I asked the evening and weekend supervisors do the same thing to staff call-ins for the rest of the schedule. All shifts were filled with nurses, even if a "1:1 sitter" for extreme suicide risk was needed. That required constant observation, but no medical skills. It just so happens this was required for a mandatory 72-hour psych observation hold initiated by the police that very morning. Once word spread to the regular staff that agency was getting all the hours, call-ins accelerated, and the agency was supplying almost half of the staff - all LPNs or RNs When the pay period closed, the timecards and agency bill were sent to payroll. Salary cost for the 2 week period was over 300% the normal expected amount. The organic digestive matter hit the oscillating cooling blades at a high rate of speed in the CFO's office. The Nursing Director called me to explain my part in it. I simply told him in my sweetest voice ever that I had no choice. "My only option was to use the agency. After (CFO) threatened me with disciplinary action, I didn't tell him that a technician at time-and-a-half cost $4 less per hour than a pool RN at straight time, let alone an agency nurse. I could have saved a small fortune, but I guess his accounting degree is better than mine." Of course, the other 2 supervisors gave similar answers. A new memo came out that day stating that OT was once again approved, provided certain "financial guidelines" were followed. The CFO went back to counting beans and we supervisors went back to doing what we did.

An elderly man lay on his deathbed An elderly man lay on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife, three kids, and a nurse. With a deep breath, he began speaking: “Bill, you get the Beverly Hills houses. Mary, the offices in the Center Center are yours. Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are all yours. And my dear wife, you take all the residential buildings near downtown.” The nurse, wide-eyed, said, “Wow, your husband must’ve been an incredible man to amass so much property to leave behind.” The wife sighed and replied, “What property? The guy had a paper route!”

Our new resident called it a miracle: a 101-year-old back on her feet and singing show tunes after months of wasting away! The other nurses are arguing over who has to tell him.

A woman is in a coma and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says, ’ i think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma, it will arrouse her enough to bring her out of the coma.’ so the nurse closes the cutains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. the husband says, ’I don’t know, I think that she started choking.’

A Mexican man is found unresponsive... A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana. Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within a few minutes and the attending physician marks the cause of death as "1/2". Curious, the nurse asks him what this seemingly unrelated fraction has to do with this man's death. The doctor responds "Juan over-dos".

"Thirty new cases just this morning, all under the age of ten," the paediatric nurse sighed to her coworker at the coffee machine. "To think that there was I time when I was convinced we were about to eradicate measles."

“He’s going to make a great performer by the feel of it,” the mother beamed, as the nurse prepared for her ultrasound. They looked at the foetus seemingly dancing on screen, its limbs entangled in a giant knot of parasitic worms, all constricting and pulling like engorged marionette strings.

My son was just born, and another dad at the nursery, congratulated me, and said his daughter was born yesterday said maybe they’ll marry each other someday. Sure, only if my son is into marrying someone twice his age…yeah right!

A woman walks into a hospital wheeling her husband with her in a wheelbarrow She stops at the front desk and talks to the admitting nurse. "Good day," she says. "Something is wrong with my husband. He was very difficult to wake up this morning, he barely touched his breakfast, and he hasn't done anything all day. Can you find out what's wrong?" She and her husband are whisked into a room. A couple of big, burly orderlies come in and lift her unresponsive husband onto the examination table. A doctor walks into the room and begins examining her husband. He puts on a stethoscope, then gets out a sphygmomanometer and measures his blood pressure, nodding grimly as he takes the measurement. Then he uses this stethoscope to listen carefully to the husband's chest, then he gets out a tool and uses it to peer into the husband's eyes. Then he sighs, steps toward the woman and delivers his verdict. "Madam, this man is dead. That will be fifty dollars, please." "He's dead? Really? Are you sure?" "Yes ma'am, he's definitely dead. Fifty dollars, please." "But how can you be so sure? You haven't run any tests or anything." The doctor sighs, goes to the back door of the room, and knocks on it twice. He opens the door, and a black Labrador retriever comes into the room and trots quickly up to the examination table. The dog walks around the table, sniffing the husband thoroughly. He walks around the table twice, sniffing as he goes, and licks the man on his cheek. Then he looks down at the floor, gives off a soft, plaintive woof, and trots back through the door, which closes. The doctor knocks on the door again, three times this time, and opens it. An orange-and-white cat comes in, walks to the table, and with a graceful leap lands on the husband. The cat walks around on the husband's body, kneading and purring loudly. It walks up to the man's chest and flicks Its tongue out several times, lightly tasting the husband's neck. Then it lets out a sad meow and shakes its head slowly before jumping down and leaving the room. The doctor turns back to the woman. "Yes, he's definitely dead. That will be $1,500, please.* *$1,500?! I thought you said it was fifty bucks!" "Yes, but that was before the Lab report and the cat scan. Those can be really expensive."

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital... An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital. A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?" The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minutes later walks out with what is obviously a Pakistani baby. The Pakistani man stands up and shouts "What do you think you're doing?!" And the Englishman said "Look, one of those babies in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

A nun, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood drive. The nurse asks the rabbit what’s its blood type. The rabbit replies, “I’m probably a Type O.”

After birth, the nurse bundled up the babe and left without ever showing the mother. She rose up out of bed bloody, limped to the nightstand, grabbed the twelve thousand dollars and left the motel saying, "See you in another ten months, doc."

Johnny was in class one day... and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."

A woman was in a coma, and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room. A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

One last blow job Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fine, I'll find some one who will." He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into a another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them. Once again bullets flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers. "What the hell happened to you!?" The soldiers ask. "Fellas you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!!" One of the soldiers asks, "Well did you get your blow job then?" "No, I couldn't find her head!"

So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . . And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says, "I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma." The husband nods and asks for a little privacy. The nurse leaves, but after a few minutes she hears a horrible clatter followed by the woman flat-lining. The nurse runs in and yells, "What the hell happened?" The husband replied, "I don't know! I think she choked!"

My son was just born My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday... said maybe they'll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Easy as 1,2,3.....4. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

“My girlfriend Jessica and I were driving along Highway 1 when this SUV—” I began to tell the nurse, but then I overheard a doctor in the hallway tell two police officers something that gave me pause. “We were able to save him; he is stable now, but his friend didn’t make it.”

Nurse - are my testicles black? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

After my prostate exam.... After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came. At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the fuck was that?"

A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward... A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom. The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his arms. The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!" to which the Irishman replies: "One of those babies is Jewish, and I'm not taking any chances!"

I'd been in a serious accident. Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.' I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

Grown-up words. A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term. >"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first." So Jamie excitedly stood up and said >"I went on a choo-choo!" The teacher grimaced and replied >"No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?" Sarah stood up and exclaimed >"I went to see my granny!" Again the teacher pulled a face and said >"No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You're not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let's hear you?" Jimmy got up and said >"I read a book!" The teacher smiled. >"Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?" Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted >"Winnie the SHIT."

A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island.. A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.

A Chinese Doctor... A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

An Engineer was jobless for long time... He could not find a job so he opens a clinic and puts a board outside.. get treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100. One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to clinic. Doctor : I have lost taste in eating Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth. Patient (Doctor) : This is Petrol Engineer : Congrats.. you got your taste back ..give me $50 Doctor gets annoyed, goes back after some days to recover his money Doctor : I have lost my memory, can not remember anything Engineer : Nurse , bring medicine from box no 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth. Doctor : But this medicine for taste of the tongue Engineer : congrats. you got your memory back.. give my fees $50. Doctor goes back angrily and comes back after some days Doctor : My eyesight is become weak. Engineer : Well I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $100 Doctor : But this is $50 Note Engineer : Congrats .. you got back your eyesight .. give my fees $50 Doctor shocks...Engineer Rocks..!!!

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery. As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said. 'Do you know what the key to comedy is?' Then I smiled and passed out. When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'. I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :) Great success.

Little Johnny and the neighbor Little Johnny is in his room when his mother enters. "Johnny," she said, "Tonight we're going to the neighbor's house for dinner. They've just had a baby and we're going to have dinner and then see the newborn." "Okay, mommy," Little Johnny replied. "Now listen," said his mother, "The baby was born without ears. I don't want you making and jokes about ears or missing ears or not hearing things. If you do, you'll be grounded for a month!" "Okay, mommy," Little Johnny said with a note of disappointment in his voice. So they went over and had a lovely, 3-course meal. Little Johnny was extremely well-behaved and his mother was very proud of him. After finishing supper, they made their way into the nursery to see the baby. He was sleeping soundly in his crib. Little Johnny stood on his tiptoes, his fingers curled around the bars of the crib, eyeing the baby with intense curiosity. The baby's mother noticed Johnny's interest and smiled. "What do you think of the baby, Johnny?" she asked. "Oh miss! Your baby is just lovely." "Why thank you!" the new mother beamed. "No, no. I mean it," Johnny said, "He's got lovely hands, lovely feet, lovely eyes. Does he see okay?" "Why yes," the mother smiled, "The doctor says he'll be blessed with perfect 20/20 vision." "That's a relief," said Johnny, "Because if he needed glasses, he'd be fucked."

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?" The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday." The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!" The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The old lady said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit!!!”

A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!” The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath. “Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?” Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!” The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly ,”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… "A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?"

Prostate Exam After my recent Prostate Exam - one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had – the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in. After she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.... She said...."Who was that guy?"

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital. As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred. However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be turned up, so it goes up to 20%. Again, he says the pain is bearable and more or less non-existent, so it goes up to 50%. Eventually, the pain transfer gets turned up to 100%, and the husband is coping very well, allowing his wife to have a pain free child birth. "This is so easy!" he says. Eventually, a healthy, adorable baby is born, and they get to take it home. They drive the whole way back smiling. They pull into their driveway and go to the front door, only to find the postman, dead on the doorstep.

A mans hurt real bad. A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

A nurse walks into a bank... A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "well, that's great...some asshole's got my pen."

A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket. She thinks to herself, "Some asshole has my pen."

Chinese Doctor A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

I told the nurse that I was bitten by a wolf. she asked "Where?" I replied "No. Normal"

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back... A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!" The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand." The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!" The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor. "Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

The Chinese Doctor A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks." "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby... Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

So, Schrödinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."

"Listen to the Professionals" This one is admittedly long, true, and something I need to get off my chest... I was on TT starting to scroll through videos when I got hit with that song everyone puts in the background of their dead spouses/kids/grandmas, etc. - *If I would have known* It caused me to write this comment below, and eventual post on my TT, which will give context to this MC story (it's a little sappy, as I was feeling some type of way, so if you want to skip this the MC is less so): *In late July, 2001, my wife of four years, mother of my two sons, collapsed in front of me. "Oh My God OP I think I'm having a seizure!" Were her last words. She knew it was coming a second before, and the way her final syllable had an uptick and reverberated as she hit the ground echoes through my life, weaving in and out of remarriages, children's births, pill addictions, lawsuits and new houses, fights with my oldest child, and now here I am just staring off into the middle distance. I'm not having thoughts. They're having me, dancing around me, bullying me, inviting me over to the deep end. I just finished walking my 4th graders to the buses and I come back and open my phone to this: another reminder of the regrets I have. I signed that DNR without so much as batting an eye. I just went along with whatever they said. "Trust the professionals. Listen to the professionals". Nothing makes sense, man.* *Nothing.* *How am I with an amazing woman who is truly the love of my life, married her 21 years ago, always thinking of her and how thankful I am for such a strong, wise woman of God and mother to three of my five children, as she says she's a mother of five (totally right), feeling the joy that is being married to her while simultaneously feeling the pain of losing my first wife? It's like being stabbed at the same moment I'm at the height of pleasure. It's the only way I can describe it. And it still doesn't do it justice. It's not exacly simultaneously. It's more like a see saw. The first one is the joy, with the pain seeping in as I know that it's coming. RIP SJJ.* *And thank you GAJ for being such an amazing woman who I'm madly in love with. Every day excites me to be with you. The dichotomy would be difficult for anyone to understand, but here you are just going with the flow and loving me anyway. You deserve the very best of everything. All the time. All I can do is promise that no matter how broken I am, my pieces will come together beautifully just for you. For US.* Okay, now to the actual story: In 2001 my wife had a grand mol seizure while she was getting ready to go to her mom's. She knew it was happening as it started happening. She hit the ground pretty hard, and was seizing two feet away from our 11 month old son who was napping in his playpen. I also had my 3 year old with me. The ambulance came and got her. I told them what I told the 911 operator: she had a seizure. My mother in law came to our trailer in Glendale AZ to watch the kids while I drove to the hospital. When I got to the hospital she was being evaluated by the medical team there, and an ER physician decided to put her under for a CT (or MRI, or catscan, something medical). I had told them and especially the ER physician, that a) she had a seizure, b) she has a history of seizures, and c) she doesn't do drugs. Even when the tox screen for her came back clean, the ER physician said "there's some things that don't show up on the screening, so it still could be Serotonin Syndrome" I didn't know that serotonin syndrome was basically an overdose of medication or drugs or alcohol or a combination of. If so I would have fought harder against this argument at the time. The ER physician never popped in for more than a solid minute at a time, and very infrequently. Most of my concerns were heard by the team of nurses. One particular nurse who I'll call Jane, seemed very frustrated with my frustrations. Whatever she did, she did so in a huff. Everything seemed to bother this woman. But she was all I had. My only connection to the doctors, surgeons, whoever is going to work with my wife who was literally dying as I watched nurse huffington Jane her way around the hospital. I was desperate. I told her full details of our history, the fact that she had both of her children at this hospital, and when I found out that they fully suspected that my wife overdosed, I adamantly, vehemently denied this to her. That's when Jane said to me: "Hey! You need to stop worrying and just Listen to the Proffesionals okay?! Trust the Professionals!" She didn't yell it so much as snarked it. Her bedside manner was nonexistent. I felt horrible already not knowing what I can do, and she slaps this mood onto the whole room as she said this. That phrase reverberates to me, even now: "Listen to the Professionals". Okay, time for some MC She said to Listen to the Professionals. But what professionals? The ones who wouldn't listen to me when I s

"Of course I won't laugh." Said the nurse. "I am a professional. In over 20 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay, then," Said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as well as she could. "I am very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "Its swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.

Shingles Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?" Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Are My Testicles Black? A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?' Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.' He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?' Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!' The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

That will be $20 please! A new doctor can't find a job in a hospital, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside. It reads: Get treatment for $20 - if not cured get back $100. A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to make $100 and goes into the clinic. Lawyer: I have lost my sense of taste. Doctor: Nurse, bring me medicine from box number 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth. Lawyer: Ugh, this is kerosene! Doctor: Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. That will be $20 please. The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything Doctor: Nurse, bring me medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth. Lawyer annoyed, this is kerosene. You gave this to me this last time for restoring my taste. Doctor: Congrats you got your memory back. That will be $20 dollars please. The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back his money back. Lawyer: My eyesight has become very weak, I can't see at all. Doctor: Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here is $100 Lawyer: staring at the bill but this is only a $10. Not a $100!! Doctor: CONGRATS, your eyesight is restored. That will be $20 please!

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

Raped by an elephant A man crawls into the emergency room profusely bleeding from his anus. "Somebody help! I've been raped by an elephant!" The staff was able to get him into surgery to stop the bleeding. Examining the initial hole, the nurse was amazed. It was as as wide as a dinner plate! She questioned him, "Sir, this hole is big. I mean, it's REALLY BIG. And I know that an elephant's penis is long and slender, not thick like this. An elephant certainly did not do this." The man replied, "He fingered me first."

I was in a really bad accident. When I regained consciousness, the nurse told me i couldn’t fell anything from the waist down. So I squeezed her boobs.

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby. A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.' 'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way. 'Good grief,' he thought. He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess. As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'

The clever Doctor A Doctor can't find a job in any Hospital in USA, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic... Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene." Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money... Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $1" not $100!!" Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20".

My daughter’s imaginary friend, “Mr. Grim,” used to stay in the corner of her nursery. Today, she led me there, smiled, and whispered, “He says it’s your turn now, Daddy.”

John Cena wakes up from coma Cena: Where am I? Nurse: I C U Cena: No you don't

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I could masterbate in the cup. I said I’m pretty good, but not ready to compete yet.

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

Little doctor Johnny A woman brings 10 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that she caught him playing Doctors and Nurses with her 10 year old daughter, Mary. Johnny's mother says, 'Lets not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.' 'Curious about sex? He's taken her fucking appendix out!'

The Queen's Surprise The Queen of England is taking a tour of one of America's best hospitals. They are going through different areas, and occasionally meeting with some of the patients. They walk into a room, and inside, a patient is intensely masturbating. The Queen is shocked. "My heavens, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor explains, "I'm sorry your majesty. This patient has a serious medical condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve the pressure several times per day, his testicles will explode, and he'll die." Embarrassed, the queen apologies for her reaction, and they continue on with the tour. A little later, they enter another patients room. Inside, she see a nurse giving a patient a blow job. The Queen is outraged. "By heavens, what on earth is going on here?" The doctor says, "Your majesty, this patient has the same condition as the previous man. But he has a much better health care plan."

A man is laying in a hospital bed... He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything. “Would you like anything?” She says. The man says, “Yes, are my testicles black?” The nurse is very confused. “I don't know, sir.” She says. “Please check,” He says, “if my testicles are black”. The woman is still confused, but she decides to check. She lifts up his hospital gown, sees that everything is in order, and puts it back down. “Well, sir,” she says, “you are fine. Your testicles are not black”. “That's great, now listen closely,” the man says, removing the oxygen mask from his face, “*are my test results back?*”

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid." The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'" Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

A mans wife goes into a coma. After about two weeks of being in a coma a nurse enters her room to give her a sponge bath. As the nurse starts to clean her pelvic region the woman's pulse increases and shows a sign of acknowledgement. Excited, the nurse runs from the room and fetches the head nurse. The head nurse watches as the nurse shows her the positive reaction this woman is having to the contact in her pleasure zone. The head nurse immediately contacts the husband and gets him to the hospital. When he arrives the head nurse says, " you need to give her oral sex, this may bring her out of a coma." The husband gets overly excited and agrees to do it. The nurse show the husband in, and closes the drapes around the bed for privacy. The nurse is in the next room monitoring the patients heart rate. The pulse increases and suddenly flat lines. The nurse immediately runs into the room to see what had happened. She finds the husband panicking. He looks at her and says, "I think she choked!" Did not expect to get such amazing comments!

A nurse reaches into her pocket and finds a rectal thermometer... "Ugh, some asshole has my pen", she thought.