50+ New Years Jokes

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years I don’t have 2020 vision This is the only day you can upvote this EDIT: Thank you sm for r/all ! Happy New Years!

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was. She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was. She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.

Is this sub still active? Haven't seen anyone post all year! (Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)

Told me I couldn't get time off to go home for holidays, fine I quit. Several years in a row till they couldn't be bothered with the paperwork. Was reminded from a recent post. I worked part time throughout my studies (UK) on a zero hour contract at a club/pub/events venue. This was over a decade ago. They didn't let folk have both Christmas and new year's off, you had to work one of em. I joined and was made supervisor shortly after cause I had common sense and figures stuff out quickly. I went home for the holidays and when that time came the first year I just said I'd quit. And did, there was no issue with finding another almost minimum wage part time job. Reapplied in January as they were looking for staff. Rehired. Next holidays come around and I tell them the same thing. Same thing all over again. Next year, they just tell me please don't leave, just take whatever days off and we'll see you again next year. I'm also great friends to this day with my favourite GM from those days, though I went and got a job in my field.

The Irish Prostitue An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

I used to have sex daily... Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia... Edit: Holy donkey balls this blew up during my daily 8 hour nap. Thanks everyone for making my New Years..

an irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father questioned her mercilessly. “Where have ye been all this time? Why didn’t you write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old ma through?” The girl, crying, replied, “Daddy … I became a prostitute.” “Ye what?! Out of here, ye shameless girl! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.” “OK, Daddy… as ye wish. I just came back to give Ma this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club and… an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera.” “Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad. Girl, crying again, says….”A prostitute, Daddy.” “Oh! Be the Hokey! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said … a PROTESTANT! Now, come here and give yer old man a hug!”

My new years resolution is to stop seeking the approval of strangers... is everyone OK with that?

Haven't done that in a year.. A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes: "Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year." The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice: "Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. " both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate. "Good morning Wif--" The son interupts: "OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY" The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says: "Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today." Edit: He winks Edit Edit: Wife winks back Edit Edit Edit: "In a year" to "all year"

Probably old, but I got it in email and it made me chuckle. An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"" The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad. The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff." "Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

Irish Prostitute- An old joke but still a good one! An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

Sex & Superheroes It's annual superheroes new year's party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting. All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed. "Whats up?" asked Batman. "Well I was upstairs looking for the toilet and I passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!" "Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman. "Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution. Happy new year! Edit: Apparently I've offended some overweight people. If you feel offended, why are you even on /r/jokes? Chill out and eat less.

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds Only 13 more to go

I'm doing well on my New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds I only have 15 more to go.

New Year's Morning A young man was drunk and staggering about with a key in his hand. A policeman walks up and says, "What's going on here?" "They stole my car!", answered the drunk. "Where did you last see it?", asked the policeman. "On the end of this key!", the man replied. The policeman looks him over and says, "Sir, are you aware that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?" "Holy shit!", the drunk cried. "They got my girlfriend too!"

An Irish Daughter Had Not Been Home For Over 5 Years. She Shocked Her Father When She Came Home And Said This Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?‘ The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....l became a prostitute...‘ 'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.‘ 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ...... .. (takes a breath) ........ .. And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and....' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?‘ says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.‘ 'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.‘

What was the console gamer's New Years Resolution? 1280x720

I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week. I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids." I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch." She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher." Edit: children → kids

I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune Walk in with a big fortune. Happy new year

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 3840x2160

Saying Goodbye to Mother We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.

Saying goodbye to mother We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to takeoff, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!” The cab driver hit a parked car.

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go.

The Irish Prostitute An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 1 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

I got arrested... I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.

Accordion and Tuba Duo A party planner has organized a huge new year's eve party. At the last minute, the band he hired has to pull out because of death in the family. The planner is totally stressed out because he has 500 partiers and no band. On December 30 he contacts the only local band that was avaliable, a duo consisting of an accordionist and a tuba player. He has hesitations, but he hires them so he will have live music. To his surprise, the duo is a huge hit with the crowd. The party was better than he ever imagined. After the party, he walks up to the band and says "you know, I never thought in a million years that I would be saying this, but you two were great and I would like to line you up now for next year" The duo replies "Sure, can we leave our stuff?"

Hello everyone. I'm using Internet explorer so I hope this gets out in time. Happy New Year 2006

My 2015 new years resolution 1920x1080

My wife and I are hosting a get together tonight that ends at 11:30.. We're calling it a before New Year's leave party.

My New Year's resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall. And I plan on sticking to it.

As we go into New Years, here's something a little more serious. With Christmas behind us and New Years close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends and family about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by some whiskey. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas! Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.

For the New Year, I vow to take a selfie at 720p.m. It's a decent resolution.

3 Guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they where on New Years. 3 guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they got during new years. The first guy says, "Man I was so fucking wasted I blew chunks in my neighbors pool." The second guy replies, "That's nothing. I cheated on my wife with another guy and she left with the kids." The third guy yells, "That's weak. I got so messed up I burnt down a school and now the cops are looking for me as we speak." "GUYS!" the first man yelled, "You don't understand Chunks is my neighbors dog."

My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes. He hugged my sister and I :(

My new year's resolution is 640 x 480 This NYE I'm going out and getting fucking pixelated.

My new years resolution is the same as last year. 1920x1080

Happy New Year... With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it

I am really proud of my self this morning.. Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party. After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home. I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!

Knock knock Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! Knock knock. Who's there? Anna. Anna who? Anna happy new year! Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)

2016 New Year Scratchcard 2015 is going to end soon! As an appreciation of your support to [/r/Jokes](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/), every subscriber here can get one of the reward below: * Grand Prize: iPhone 6s Plus 128G * Second Prize: Samsung Galaxy Note 5 * Third Prize: Nintendo 3DS * Consolation Prize: Paypal credit $100. Claim your prize by using the scratchcard here: ████████████ Protip: scratch screen hard! It takes some efforts to scratch off the coating.

My new years resolution........ Hopefully 4k 55''

[OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution... Stop being late

If you were born in September... Then, you can be sure that your parents started the New Year, with a bang.

This is the last time you will ever hear this joke and have it make sense Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Yourself: I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision. Happy new year everyone. I'm sorry to all those who are in the future right now who can't enjoy this joke.

I haven’t had a server go down on me that long since New Year at Hooters. Edit for explanation: https://techcrunch.com/2016/08/11/reddit-is-currently-experiencing-a-major-outage/

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? A fizzician! I’ll see myself out Edit: I guess adding mentos to this joke was a good idea... Thanks for the gold and silvers! Happy New Years y’all!

"Wow, I haven't showered since last year!" "Haha good one, but it's not the new year yet" "I know..."

All Pedro wanted was weeweechu It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's lo ok at the moon!" said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! In advance😉😉

On a new year's Eve, in the court... The judge says: Why are you here? The person in the accused seat: I got some Christmas gift from the department store across the street. The Judge looked at the prosecutor, puzzled: That's something good, what's happening here? Prosecutor: He got the gifts 2 hours before the store open, sir.

Merry christmas and happy new year! - Internet explorer

A Holiday Snack It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

NYC's New Year's sucked. They really dropped the ball this year.

I made two New Year's resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating I'll make my second one later

Happy new year! Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.

New years eve... We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it Worked ! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!' The cab driver hit a parked car.

My psychic friend is really excited about this new year. You could say he's really looking forward to it.

My new year's resolution... 2K, and 16 extra pixels.

Wedding Promise On our wedding night my wife whispered to me that she would give oral sex once every year either on Christmas or New Years. Our first Christmas I reminded her of this promise and she blushed and said “let’s wait for New Years”. On New Years I again reminded her of her promise and she frowned and said “didn’t we just do that on Christmas?” We’ve had the same conversation now for 31 years….

My new years resolution is to have more sex! I Haven't told my cellmate yet though

New Year's Eve probably sucks for Lance Armstrong... He can't enjoy watching the ball drop.

I always find New Year's Eve stressful. I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.

My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. . . I'm gonna start tomorrow

I was arrested at a New Year's party last night I'm sorry, but when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your fight or flight instincts kick in...

My dad on New Year's Eve Each year on New Year's Eve, right before I leave for a party which will have me tumbling in the house at well past midnight, my dad shouts from the living room "See you in a year" and proceeds to laugh uncontrolably while my mom puts on her "remind me why I married that guy"-face.

New Year's Resolution- Date more models... Edit: Date more Edit: Date again LAST Edit: Stop crying while masturbating

I got arrested for punching this guy at a new years party... When you hear an arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.

My New Year's resolution is to cut back on my drinking... One fifth a day, max.

We're two days into the Chinese New Year, the year of the rooster and I'm still writing year of the monkey on my checks

My New Year's resolution was to buy a velcro wall So far I'm sticking to it

Testing new mobile phone Hello, i don't know if anyone is going to read this because i am using the internet explorer. But still i wanna wish you a good start in the new year 2010.

I messed up planning my New Year's party I guess you could say I dropped the ball.

"stroke of midnight!!!" On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

New Year's Resolution 2016p

Xperia M2 dual my sony xperia m2, hanging so much after updating this new year, even when using facebook and making a call, any one faced this problem

Arabs are so rich..... They lit whole fkin hotel on fire to celebrate new year

(NSFW) Food for thought It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas, and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year. Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

Be sure you are standing on your left foot and only your left foot at midnight tonight... ...so that you start the new year off on the right foot!

Topical Jokes for 1/24 SkyMall Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. SkyMall blamed the decline in sales on the fact that stupid people have run out of money. Scientists have proved that hearing jokes and the voices of family members helps coma patients wake up faster. One family started doing a comedy show, and the coma patient sprinted out of the hospital. In New Hampshire, four bears died after they overdosed on chocolate bait. Even more tragic, one of the bear’s New Year’s Resolutions was to eat better. A study has revealed that sitting for long periods increases your risk of death. It’s especially lethal if you sit for a period longer than 100 years. Cubans hope that improved relations with the US will also bring better internet access. To give you an idea of how slow Cuba’s internet is, they’re still waiting for “Gangnam Style” to load.

I'm glad Steve Harvey didn't host new years eve. I don't think I'm ready for it to be 2017 yet.

I'm having an increasing fear of New Year songs. Must be Ole Langxiety.

I went to the world drinks fair last week. I went to the World Drinks fair last week, and I got there a bit early. The supervisor was dashing around everywhere trying to help get booths, tables and queue ropes set up, and I saw someone come up and say a few words to him. I watched this man break down in front of me. He crumpled to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. As a good citizen of the earth, I had to try to console him, so I went up and asked him if he was going to be okay. What did he reply? [answer in comments] *This is OC so I'm editing the delivery to try and make it roll off better, I'd appreciate feedback. This joke and a few less original ones are gonna get me a girlfriend this new years.*

What's your new year's resolution? Mine is 1440 * 900.

!!/\\//\"Busy shopping"/\\//\!! It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

We'll all be living better Obama's 2017 new years address: Obama: I want to say on the behalf of the American government, that we'll all be living better in the new year! American People: ok, we are happy for you, but what about us?

Social Media IRL I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

A television set promised to be better next year. It was part of his New Year's resolution.

It's New Year's Eve and a snail comes into a bar... He says to the bartender, "hey barkeep, pour me a cold one." The bartender says "gross, a snail in the bar." He picks him up and flicks him out the window. A year goes by, and it's New Year's Eve again. In the same bar, the same bartender is working. The snail comes back into the bar and he says "what the fuck did you duo that for?"

When You Hit Puberty On New Year's Eve... You'll be celebrating 2 "ball drops" tonight.

Why shouldn't you kiss anybody on New Years Day? Because it's the first date.

What does Putin say during his new years speech? Don't know but its so scary that they drink for ten days straight right after!

China's time zone is 28 days behind ours. "Chinese New Year"

Anyone still keeping up with their New Year's resolutions? I am... Still 1080p

I've never liked new years at time square They always drop the ball

Two monitors are at a new years party... One says "So, what's your new years resolution?" The other replies "1080p".

My New Years resolution would have been to stop procrastinating so much Except I never got around to writing that one down...