50+ Mothers Day Jokes

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did. Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!” Edit: My Dad would have been unbelievably happy at how many people got a chuckle out of this. Thank you Reddit!

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!" Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement. When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse. The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

Am I adopted? Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" "No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing? Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" he replied. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him." "I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?” Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president. A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says, 'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?' 'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.' 'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.' 'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?' 'Oh, Daddy', replies the president-elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .' 'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.' The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.' So Dad reluctantly agrees, and on January 20, 2021, the first woman from Alabama is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sit the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .' The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.' Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama .'

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?" he replies: "she looks great! she is in good health! she will still live for many years! next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!" "wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "but this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!" "well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around" "Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl." Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

The first female president The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein. She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?" "I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again." "Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear? Sarah replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat." The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come." So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, Sarah Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?" The senator whispers back, "Yes, I do." Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor." Edit: Dates (the attention to detail in the comments is amazing. Sarah Goldstein would hire you all). Edit II: 2028 -> 2029. Edit III: Glad to see most of you liked the joke! Shoutout to Heather for being my fellow old jewish mother through thick and thin, and shoutout to my awesome girlfriend on her birthday! Miss you boo :-*

Afternoon Sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. “There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!" Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.” Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then says “Okay, okay. We were watching porn.” Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.” The robot slaps the mother. ^Edit: ^Fixed ^grammar ^+ ^tenses.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!"

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day! Edit: At least $136 worth of Reddit Gold in this thread. You never cease to amaze me, Reddit.

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter". Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father : "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter." Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying. Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

A kid asks his dad what the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially' is A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially. His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars. The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes. His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

I call my wife Bambi She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle. **Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine... *Pause for comedic value* But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.

If joe biden’s wife is the First lady then what do we call his mother? Joe Mama

There once was a woman who had 100 children.... She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out identity theft is a crime

My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?” He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.

Just happened: 18yo daughter: "Dad, can I borrow your studfinder to bring to work tomorrow, we need to hang a shelf." Me: "Sure. But you'll have to check your mother's calendar to see if she's free." Blank stare. I stare back. Then she gets it. Epic eye roll. (Dad wins again with a classic).

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans... "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them" "But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?" "Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?" Edit: Obligatory "thnx 4 front page guis!"

A girl comes crying into her mother's home and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her. The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?" "Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job." So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-*what* are you holding??" "Its a Great Magic Dildo." Laughing, he says "Yeah great magic dildo my ass."

CEO's Assistant said it wasn't right I had a nicer chair than he did TL:DR at end. Very mild one. Bit wordy with a not particularly satisfying payoff. A while back my wife and I were buying our house after a few years of rental. There was a delay in the new house being ready, so we moved in with my mother for a few weeks. During that time I stashed some stuff at work, including bringing in my chair, a very nice Herman Miller Aeron I had gotten second hand. The office chairs were old. standard/serviceable but not exactly nice. After a few days. I noticed that my chair would be in the conference room every morning. No problem, I just wheeled it back to my desk. I was working 8 to 4 to avoid traffic so was usually in first The CEO (of about 120 people) would usually not arrive until about noon, and take later meetings when most of the staff were away. After a few days the chair kept ending up at his desk. (Open plan thankfully, so I just took it back every morning. i wasnt foolish enough to go into the CEOs office.. ). He'd shoot me a dirty look every morning but that was it. After a few more days of this back and forward, the CEOs assistant (who was a lovely person who I felt immense pity for) approached me and told me that the CEO didn't think it was appropriate that I had a nicer chair than him. People would think that my desk belonged to the CEO and it was stressing her out having to basically fight for it every day on his behalf. I told her I understood completely, and would stop fighting over it. I took it out of the office that lunch time, and reclaimed a normal office chair. The next day she came over and asked where the chair was. I said with an incredibly straight face that I thought since it wasnt appropriate I just took it to my car. She had a super stunned look, but just kind of ran off. Since I was almost always first in I always got parking near the building, pretty much everyone got to walk past my car on the way into the office and see my chair in the boot for a few more weeks, however given his cowardly nature I never got approached about it again To this day, I'm 100% certain they thought I was just going to give in and let him have my chair. Instead I got the joy of telling everyone the honest truth about why my chair was in my car for weeks TL:DR: CEO tried to steal my personal chair I had brought to office, citing that it wasn't right I had a better one than him. I agreed, but rather than give him my chair I kept it in the car outside the office for weeks and told everyone why. Edit: added TL:DR Edit 2: moved TL:DR to end. people are being weird about it. Edit 3: to answer the most common questions. I asked HR before bringing my stuff in. They knew, my team lead knew, everyone who said "hey, what's with the chair" knew. Did the CEO actually know? I did not directly inform the CEO, because I never talked to him more than 3 times when I worked there, so it would have been weird. Yes, I could have labelled my stuff, but it didn't seem necessary for ~8 weeks.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your Mother.'

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole... She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear." Edit: I'm fairly new to reddit. This joke exploded. Thanks for the welcome party lol

To every last man out there celebrating Fathers Day... [NSFW] All of you are real mother fuckers.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly." She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. "Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again." The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

If I don't like it, tell it to the news? I guess we're going to the news then (video evidence) My mother was a truly inspiring woman. Her favorite phrase was "why say bleed when you can say hemorrhage" because she never did anything halfway when she knew she could go all the way. We couldn't even ask for help with homework because you'd be up till 3 am on a school night, adding one more thing. Then you'd go to school with this magnum opus while everyone around you phoned it in and still got an A. She would rarely get angry, but if you activated her righteous indignation, the repercussions would be legendary. There was one such story of malicious compliance that she always loved to tell, and I just found the receipts, so I wanted to share it with everyone. It all started one day when I found a dagger in my brother's room. It was an ornate sort of fantasy-style dagger. Not something you would find just anywhere, and it was very sharp. We were not old enough to have something like that at the time; he was only 11. Immediately, my mother walked up behind me and caught me red-handed, so I did what any self-respecting little brother would do and threw him under the bus. My brother wasn't at home at the time, so she went through everything and found more of these knives. She laid them out on the table, and she was psyching herself up for the hell she was going to bring down upon him. By the time my brother gets home, he walks in and sees her sitting there with the knives out. He goes white as a sheet. She immediately asks where he got them. This was the late 90s, and my brother was pretty into Magic: The Gathering. The card shop he went to for his fix was just down the street. He spent a great deal of time there and bought boxes and boxes of these cards from them, so they knew him and knew he was too young. They had sold it to him, knowing full well that he was underage, no questions asked. My mother's jaw dropped, and moments later, we were pulling up to the place. She drags my brother into the store and puts the knives down in front of the woman who owns the place. She tells her that they had sold it to him. "Yeah, so what?" "He is not 18, and he shouldn't have access to these. You need to tell your employees to check IDs before they sell weapons to minors." She was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt before she snapped back with "It's a joke, it's humor, don't you get it?" ahhh so the problem is you. "I am his mother, and I don't think it is funny. If you won't follow the law at the very least, I need you to stop selling weapons to my son." "I'll do whatever I want! If you don't like it, TELL THE NEWS!" Surely this woman doesn't know who she is talking to, or the lengths that my mom was willing to go for her kids. I don't know why on earth that would be the phrase you'd use. Now you are just asking for it. Mom gives her one last chance before the hammer drops. "So you are saying that even without my permission, having asked you not to personally, and knowing it is illegal, you would still sell a knife to him?" "Of course, this is a business; maybe raise him better if you don't like what he is doing." It was like the air left the room. There were 3 of us boys in Elementary, Middle school, and High School around the time. She was president of all 3 PTAs for 3 different schools miles apart from each other. She was practically moming as a sport and crushing it by every conceivable standard. This woman had just slighted her to her core, and now had to deal with the consequences of her ignorance. My mom didn't say another word. She gathered the knives, and we walked out. Even the woman behind the desk looked a little shocked that she was just walking out. So was I. We all went back to the car, and no one said a word. Then you could almost visibly see the resolve set in, and she says, "I guess we are going to the news then." I don't remember her saying another word the rest of the night. The next day, I woke up and she had papers all around her that she had downloaded and printed off, and highlighted. She was on the phone explaining the story to a news station who'd just opened and responding to emails she'd sent overnight. I don't think she slept. She had been up researching the laws and building her case. The first reporters she talked to didn't seem to see what she saw in the story, and told her they wouldn't pick it up. Every time she was told no, she would ask for references to someone who would do something like this. It took weeks of phone tag. She called the next reporter, then another, then another, leaving messages and following up. Finally, she found an investigative reporter who would work with her. They decided that the best course of action was to put a hidden camera on my brother to send him undercover to buy something larger. Believe me, I am well aware of how outlandish that sounds. They met up down the street and gave my brother some money to buy the biggest weapon he could get. I see

Tough to be Irish "What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? How I bought your mother

On a bus one day..... .....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast. Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again. Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

A man dies and goes to heaven In heaven, he sees a wall of very large clocks. He asks the Angel "What are all these clocks for?" Angel answers "These are lie clocks, every person has one lie clock. Whenever you lie on earth, the clock ticks once." The man points towards a clock and asks, "Who's clock does this belong to?" Angel answers 'This clock belongs to Mother Teresa. It has never moved, so she has never told a lie." then the man asks "Where is Hillary Clintons clock?" The Angel replies "That one is in our office, we use it as a table fan."

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish ## I say ofcourse he was Jewish + 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents + Working in his father's business + His mother thought he was God's gift ## He's Jewish. Give it up **** _by Robin Williams_ Happy Birthday Robin!

Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be. Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes. My Dad used to tell this joke when I was a kid. Wasn't trying to claim it was original. I'm happy everyone got a good laugh.

Penis Contest Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?" The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

The midwife found the mother with her thumbs still pushed deep into her baby’s eye sockets. “He has the same eyes,” the mother repeated, over and over, taken back to the deserted parking lot nine months previous.

A kid had sex with his teacher. So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts." Edit: Wow Gold! Thank you so much and dear people that are getting offended over this, it's a joke. Chill!

You want me to provide a good reason for why I want to use my vacation days? Time to trauma dump So I work in a pretty low stress job, which makes it absolutely hilarious that my boss demands that whenever we take our paid time off we "give a good reason" Like, dude, why do I need to give you a good reason to take my vacation days? They're mine, I'm entitled to take them to dedicate the time to my new hobby of staring at the ceiling, it ain't none of your business. Well I had planned to take a few days off to recharge after a (very relatively) intense work week. Unfortunately the boss thought this was a great time to send out a "reminder" email that if we intend to take time off we need to provide a reason & have it approved. This was a mistake on his part. I went into his office, head hanging low, and started talking about my dad's cancer, how intensive chemotherapy was, I didn't make myself cry but I was putting that theatre class I took in college to good use, I might have even hit him with "and I'm just so used to seeing my dad as this strong, invulnerable guy, but... he's just human, y'know? And soon he might be gone... how do you even deal with something like that..." Now by this point my dad had been cancer-free for years, so this was purely performative, but my boss just looked so uncomfortable, it was great. I wish I could say this caused the boss to send out an email saying we no longer needed to give a reason for our time off, but no such luck, instead I just kept coming up with other traumatic life experiences to justify my vacations. I think my grandma died 3 times these past few years, poor woman. I may have to come up with something new for when she actually does die. My boss still gets visibility uncomfortable whenever I come to ask for time off in person instead of via email, it's kind of hilarious to me.

A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom... The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"

Daughter's vibrator A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.   What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.   "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.   The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."   A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.   "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.   He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

If i had a dollar for every racist thing I’ve ever said...... Some black motherfucker would probably rob me.

My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman! She screamed: “You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!” I said: “Honey, please… just let me explain!” She crossed her arms: “Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.” So I told her: “Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her? I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it. She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower. While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store. Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.” "I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?" “And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”

Joke from Spain (forgive my English) There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child. "I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife. "That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband. "Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife. "No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband. The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that. "Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest." "And?" She asks. "And I did!"

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee Sorry

This Is Your Name (Malicious compliance by passive resistance.) Midway through the the school year when I was in the second grade we suddenly got a new teacher. She went around the classroom and asked each of us to stand up and say our names. Now my name is Fredric because my maternal grandmother was named Frieda and she passed away a few days after my birth. But neither of my parents wanted to call me Fred so my nickname became Ric. So when asked I stood up and said my name is Ric. "WE DO NOT USE NICKNAMES IN MY CLASS! YOUR NAME IS RICHARD!" When I attempted to use my correct name I was shut down and told there was no exceptions and I was to use the name Richard. To this day I have no idea why she didn't look at any paperwork to see my name but I simply obeyed her demand and answered to Richard. A couple of weeks later came PTA night and my parents went to meet with her. I was told things went wrong the moment she said she was happy to meet Richard's parents. My mom was a very formidable woman who didn't suffer fools gladly. My father was a delegate in the teachers union so he had some pull of his own. After that Ric was just fine thank you.

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick. I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

The Jewish Elbow A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” "What...you coming empty handed?"

Boy walks in on his parents going at it... Father turns around, smiles, and winks. Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father. Boy smiles, winks, and says "not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between realistically and potentially?" The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars." The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?" The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man." The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Well of course! " she exclaims. Finally he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars" And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah alright I'd do it." When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?" "Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically were living with two whores and a fag." Edit: Wow I never got awards before. Thank you kind reddit people! Edit2: FYI it's not my original joke, just something I found on my desktop that made me fall off my chair :) Though it would be good to share it.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 'What are you doing?' the mother exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 'What are you doing?!' he exclaimed. The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.' A couple of days later, the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. 'What are you doing?' she exclaimed. He replied............'Watching the game with my son-in-law.

I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes. Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.

Im just fucking with you. This woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it. Smashing it around the hospital room, dropkicking it, etc. The mother is freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging and asking "WHYYYYY?!?!". The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says "Im just fucking with you. It was born dead."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks: 'Dad, what's Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Making them cold just seemed like the right thing to do. I used to work in a retirement village with a communal restaurant/dinning room. There was this awful family who despite being only a 15 minute drive away from the village would almost never visit their mother, we can call the mother Sam. Sam was kind. Sam's family were constantly neglecting to provide items such as clothing and most of Sams valuables had in my opinion been stolen by them. As they were the power of attorney for financial, personal and health matters nothing legally could be done apparently... Fast forward to a hot Australian Christmas day. The village is hosting a Christmas lunch for the old people who didn't manage to go out for the day. Family's were welcome but you had to book ahead. The invitation clearly said to "bring a jumper" as the AC was very cold to cater for the constant opening of the dinning room doors with guests coming and going. Naturally Sam's family failed to book a seat and had to be accommodated last minute. Naturally they were the only ones without a jumper. I got the privilege of finding them a place to sit so I dressed Sam in an extra warm nice outfit and set up the table under the big main AC vent. 10 minutes later Sam's annoyed son and daughter in law approached me and asked "can you please turn down the air conditioning it is too cold." "Yep no problem I can do that" I said. And I did. I turned that AC down and extra 4 degrees (I think to 16 degrees Celsius if memory serves). Sam's family left earlier than any other family and Sam was able to spend the rest of Christmas with people who spoke to her like she was a human being. Edit: Jumper = sweater or jersey. We also used jumper cables to warm up the old people until the age care commission decided it was a crime 😉

The Irish Prostitue An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

Bruce Willis went shopping... ...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!" Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked. He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I ever said Some black motherfucker would probably come rob me

"You see Billy, after Buddy got his balls removed, he became less aggressive and calmer", said his mother said after visiting the vet At home, with knife at hand, Billy silently approaches his sleeping dad

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom. Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines. The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this?! The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

Not a joke, the mods have gone completely fucking retarded What the fuck is your problem? Do you actually think that giving permissions to us will solve anything? The fucking degenerate trolls that lock posts are countless at this point and it won't stop until you do something about it. In fact, this post will get locked too so you'd better do something about this or this subreddit will burn in hell eternally. Since you claim that some mods have been doing bullshit then fire the motherfuckers and find new ones if you must, do you really enjoy watching your own subreddit turn into a shit-hole? So for fucking God's sake, make everything how it was, I miss actual dark jokes where I can comment on. Thanks for reading, make sure to downvote any cunt who locks threads

Is it because I'm blonde? A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"

A boy comes home from a fishing trip with his father His mother says "how was the fishing trip, son?" The boy replies "i had a great time, every day daddy threw me out of the boat and I had to swim back to shore". Mom "That sounds horrible," The boy Replies "It wasn't so bad, the hard part was getting out of the bag".

A six-year-old girl walks in on... Her mother finishing up a shower. The girl looks at her mother's private parts, and points to her pubic hair asking "when will I get that" the mother replies "by the time your 12 or 13." the very next morning the girl walks in on her father getting out of the shower and points to his penis asking "when will i get that", the father then excitedly looks at his watch and says "right after your mother leaves for work" ​ ​ ​ EDIT: What fucker gave this shit a wholesome award? EDIT 2: TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE THIS POST THE "Helpful" AWARD IM CALLING THE FBI

Sophia just got married, and being a traditional Italian, was still a virgin. On her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sophia. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophia ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Sophia", her mother told her, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophia ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophia saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother, "Mama will take very good care of him!"

Harold got real drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck in bed beside his wife… He woke up at the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Harold." Harold was stunned. "I died? That can’t be right! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!” "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as by being reincarnated as a chicken." Harold wasn’t thrilled, but begged St Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strutted past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Harold the Hen, but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "That‘s an egg, explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," said Harold. "Well, just relax and let it happen," said the rooster" It's not a big deal." Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell... "HAROLD WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities... "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

You only gave the AI your mothers picture because you had no videos left of her breathing, talking, loving you. Later, when her face appeared in a laundry detergent ad, you cried at your work desk.

A black boy goes into the Kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”

So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense... his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it" she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me" "well, says the kid... "i know your age now" "and what is that?" says his mother "you're old" says the kid "and i learned your height" "which is?' says the mother "your really tall" he says "well, yes, i am tall for a woman" "and, i learned your weight" he says "and what is that?" asks the mother "a lot for a woman your height" the kids says the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that" "and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you" "Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license" "because, you got an f in sex"

Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum. Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum... A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom 'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.' The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops ' **WHACK**...**she spanks him** He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen... Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom and finds them having sex The little boy runs out and the parents laugh. The father goes out to see the little boy on top of his grandmother. The little boy says "See it isn't funny when it's your mother."

What's the difference between and joke and 5 dicks? Your mother can't take a joke.

Patrick wants a bike... For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Tony and Maria get married... ..and they're spending their honeymoon night at her mother's house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, is a virgin, and has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed. Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is making some tomato sauce. "Momma, momma! Tony has a hairy chest!" cries Maria. "Men are supposed to have hairy chests, go back upstairs." So Maria sheepishly goes back upstairs. When she gets back, Tony starts pulling off his pants, and again, Maria shrieks and runs downstairs. "Momma, momma! Tony has hairy legs!" "Men are supposed have hair legs, go back upstairs." And back upstairs she goes. When she gets back, she watches Tony pull off his socks and notices he's missing three toes on his left foot. He explains he got his foot stepped on by a horse and lost those toes. Once more, Maria runs downstairs. "Momma, momma! Tony has a foot and a half!" "Stir the sauce, honey, momma will handle this." Edit: obviously my self post would make front page XD

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

After her son got kicked out of the 5th school he had attended that year for violent behavior towards his friends, the mother rolled her eyes and said, "My precious little angel would NEVER hurt ANYONE." As the police were taking her 2 year old daughter's bloody and battered body out of their family home, all the mother could do was stand outside with her head in her hands and say, "My precious little angel would never hurt anyone..." over and over and over again.

"What's that?" the girl wheezed as they walked by the sign of an abandoned, weather-worn daycare centre called ABC. "They were called bees," the girl's mother replied, wiping the sandy wasteland from the goggles of her daughter's respirator.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's so cute, with big brown eyes. Actually, it's because I'd like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

I've got one thing to say to all you motherfuckers. Happy Father's day

Told us not to turn off the power unless he explicitly said to “turn off the power” so we didn’t. child hood story time From 30+ years ago We lived in this old farmhouse for a couple of years. Mother wanted a better light source in the kitchen so her boyfriend at the time volunteered to install a new light over the sink. Claimed he knew what he was doing. He told us children that we could turn off the power at the fusebox when he was ready to start. he was very explicit in his instructions. “Don‘t touch the fusebox unless I tell you to turn off the power. understand? Only flip the breaker when I say “turn off the power!”“. We repeated our instructions back to him and stated we understood. Flip the breaker when you say “turn off the power”. Got it. So he gets ready to start and calls out “turn off the lights!”. Well, the fuse box to the house is next to the light switch for the living room and he’d been quite explicit about when to turn off the power. We kind of shrugged at each other and reached over to the light switch and turned off the lights. “Lights are off” was our reply. Nice flash of sparks and some cursing a few seconds proceeded him storming in trying to get all mad about getting shocked. Mother interceded and pointed out that he told us not to touch the breaker unless he said “turn off the power” and asked him what he‘d told us to do. he admitted to saying lights instead of power. He spent a few hours trying to wire the new light before giving up. Mom got an Elder from church to come out and look at it. He fixed it in about ten minutes.

You hang up, no you! Someday I will be a saint… but today is not that day. I just heard an agent give my 80 yr old Father in law a very, very hard time about cancelling home phone service. She wanted to upsell services, etc and get personal information she did not need to complicate what was supposed to be an easy request. It went on for a while like this. I finally stepped in and shut that down, confirmed a cancellation, and handed the phone back to him and walked away. The agent insisted it was nothing personal, just company policy to engage in “customer retention” efforts. He moved across country. He told her that- there is no retention possible. Still, she kept him going in circles unnecessarily. I can hear the agent now begging him to hang up from the other room. This call agent cannot end the call. Company policy is that the customer ends the call. My Father in Law can not hear her as he and my mother in law are happily chatting away about elderly bodily functions and peanut butter crackers with apples while this poor agent is literally begging them to end the call. I will not end her nightmare.

A nun is standing outside a pub... ...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones: "Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!" The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven." "Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!" "What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, *then* you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?" "I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?" "Gin," he replies. "Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender. "Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!" "It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"

There were 500 families on the ship when a voice calmly said, “Women and children first.” The lifeboats were lowered, filled with mothers clutching their children, drifting into the fog; while below deck, the men carved symbols into the steel and began the chant to summon the kraken, for the offering had to be innocent.

Obama went on a run and fell in a river. - three young boys pulled him out of the river. Obama said my god, you saved the president of your country. name any one thing you want and you'll have it. - The first boy said he wanted a house for his mother, they'd never had a house. Obama bought it. - The second boy wanted to go to Disney world. Obama made it so. - The third boy asked for a wheelchair. Perplexed, Obama said "Why do you need a wheel chair, you seem to walk fine". - The young boy replied "well now, sure. but wait until my dad finds out i saved your life."

My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

After admitting her husband never wanted to be intimate since giving birth, her mother-in-law handed her a wooden spoon. “You’ll need to bite onto this,” she said, reaching for her sewing box.

You wanna throw a fit over the property line? No problem! So I bought a house in 2018. I had to in a hurry so I could get my mother in my old home before her chemo got intense. My family had outgrown the one we were in, and we found one that needed some work but had 5.25 acres and a chicken coop. Neighbor (Dan) obsessively manicures his property and it is much nicer as a result, but the price and features worked for us on our side. We fix up and paint the chicken coop, only interrupted once by Dan asking us to tear it down or move it. Surely the coop was well on our side of the property line, I thought. I politely declined and described how the only thing I'd be doing is building an enclosed run toward my house to protect the birds from predators after fixing some things inside the house that have been neglected. The previous owner was a serious alcoholic and there's a lot of work to do. Dan walks away angry but defeated. A couple of years pass and the run is built exactly as described and our informal survey shows the property line about 20ft back, and I build gardens roughly the same distance from the property line. Dan has a survey done that suspiciously puts the back corner of the coop and about 1/3 of the run over the property line, but we agreed that it could stay so long as I don't encroach any further and I eventually move it which WAS my actual plan. He said to take all the time I need, declining my offers to buy the dirt or trade easements and reimburse him for the cost of the survey. Another year goes by and Dan has changed his tune. He interrupts a target practice session with my two foster kids to demand that I demolish the coop and run soon, to which I said "I suppose I could push that project up to next fall (2024)". He isn't happy but seems pacified. I wasn't thrilled either but I'm a reasonable guy and would prefer to have a good relationship with a neighbor I don't like much. Enter May 2024, six months before I agreed to do anything, and this guy shows up in my back yard wanting to talk about the god damned coop again. "You know, Dan. You said I could have all the time I needed and then demanded I tear it down, going back on your..." Cue the most childish temper tantrum I think I've ever seen. He was literally stomping on the ground with elbows out, screaming about suing me and how he'll own my whole house by the time he's done with me. Malicious compliance: fuck you, Dan. I decided the best place for that coop is exactly where it is. It's been there about 20 years and adverse possession only requires 10. I can take that 12sqft of dirt from you and you'll even have to pay my legal fees. Only the run needs to move since it's only been there 5 years. That's exactly what I did. The new run connects to the gardens and the roof funnels the roosters' crows right to his house. Setback requirements say structures must be 5' from property lines. The back corner of the run is now exactly 5'2" away from the supposed property line and he gets to hear and smell my chickens every single time he's outside. He will not have peace until he dies or moves. I am well within my rights and while I do struggle with medical and PTSD issues from my service, I learned very well from the Navy how to be *technically* correct in a way that works only for me.

My mother cries to herself as they insert the feeding tube into my thin, limp form. "Why do they have to make you gain all that weight back?"