50+ Monster Jokes

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer" A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect. The policeman :" Tell me what happened. " The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? " Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? " Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius... But very few people know his brother Frank was a monster.

Monster under the bed

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes? No one can eat just one potato ship.

Pedestrian! I (54F) went to visit my adult son (30M). We went out to dinner and I was driving, he was in the passenger seat. We had to go through downtown traffic and I asked him to help me watch out for pedestrians. I didn't specify pedestrians crossing the road. (Pedestrians have the right of way.) So true to his humor he notified me about every person walking. Every. Single. Person. Yelling (not too loud) Pedestrian! And pointing to each person walking on the sidewalk. OMG he has me in tears from laughing so hard. I made a monster and taught him a warped sense of humor. God I love my son! Even a month later when I went to visit him again he'd do the same thing. I think this will forever be a thing and I don't mind. Malicious compliance between us is just another way to mess with each other and it's hilarious. Idk what else to say except that I'm proud of him.

There was nothing I could do to save my daughter from the monster. After all, she went willingly, and was exactly 17 years and 366 days old.

Fire me for driving too fast at 15 kph then tell me to drive back the district office? You got it boss!! Tl;dr fired by raging boss, MC extra $300, show up a week later in different job and new boss keeps me in old bosses face after finding out why. Gonna be kinda long one but I have an MC and a pro revenge in one. A friend reminded me of this when talking about all the forest fires burning in Canada right now. In the late 80s I got a job with the Ministry of Natural Resources driving to support fighting forest fires. Great job, just over double minimum wage (major bonus @ 19) and they had no limit to the number of hours you could work. Fire season started early & by mid May I was supporting one that was (I think, long time ago) 3-400 hectares and growing quickly (1 hectare = 2.5 acres). Back then I think the whole district was around around 100 000 sq. km (think all of Indiana), so there was a lot of driving. One day I get to the on site hq and get told to wait while they found me a return load. Little later I am told to go to the helicopter staging area to pick up the fire boss (FB). (To preface, the road was shit) I pick him and a few others up and make my way back. Half way there I hit a deep pot hole and the FB just loses it. Starts bellowing about goddamned kids speeding, no respect etc. For the 5 minutes it takes to get back. I found out on the way there that going to fast was not a good deal so made sure to not go faster than 15 kph (9 mph). As soon as we get to base camp slams his way out of the truck a screams 'YER FIRED'!! Get back to district and have them process you!! OK, Fuck you very much sir. We were deep, deep in the bush. I don't know how deep but it took me close to 7 hours to get there. Cue Malicious Compliance I grabbed 2 20l gas cans (5 gallons) and set off. Real, real slow. If 15 kph was to fast for these roads then the proper speed was obviously however fast the truck went at idle (unless there was a hill, I'm wasn't a monster). It took 22 hours to reach the first paved road and then I set the cruise control 5 kph below the limit and went to get fired. Extra $300ish ya me. I process out and I meet one of the guys (call him crew boss CB)who taught the level 1 forest fire fighter course I took before I got hired to drive. We got along well but there only 2 new full time hires that year and none on his crew. He had just come with one of his guys who broke his leg and was going to personnel to find someone new. I was quickly hired on as his 4th. 2 hours later I'm being driven to meet his crew at a fire. Couple says later that fire is declared out and we are off to a new fire. Yup. The fire I was fired from. Kinda revengish but it get better. Cue pro revenge. CB it turns out is besties with FB so FB has our crew as the initial response crew. This meant that we spent a lot of time riding in the helicopter with FB and responding to jump fires that would take minimal time to deal with. It took a week before he recognized me and I watched out the corner of my eye, something I thought was only in books or said as an exaggeration. This guy went from pink to red to actually turning purple. I couldn't hear what was being said but I see the skittle flowing out as he yelled into headset and I got some major side eye from CB for the rest of the flight. When CB asked about it later and I explained including the drive back he almost passed himself. Turns out (surprise), FB has a long history of exploding over nothing and taking it out on the nearest poor bastard. He ended up firing 2 more guys over the same thing and likely the same pothole. So CB knew what he was like but they got along really well. Turns out he also really liked poking the bear. For the rest of that fire CB made sure I was seated so I was the first person he saw if he looked over his shoulder. On a later fire our crew got admin duties and CB was FB's #2. I got to be as CB put his helper monkey and FB's jock itch. The rest of the crew knew so there wasn't any friction and they got a kick out it. It was a great summer and I worked for CB 3 more summers through Uni. Always went back with Great stories, really nice money (I collected unemployment during school not sure if it was legal but no one said anything and pretty sure time has run out any way) in amazing shape but with a really weird tan.

The exorcist arrived at the Victorian manor with his kit of silver and scripture, only to find the demon had already been living there for forty years, paying the mortgage, shoveling the walk, and slowly learning to love the cold. He lowered his cross when the thing looked up from its crossword puzzle and asked if he wanted coffee, its voice carrying the unmistakable exhaustion of something that had stopped being a monster long before anyone thought to stop hunting it.

“Daddy, you killed it yesterday,” my daughter said the morning after I returned from hunting the monster in the woods. I felt a surge of pride, until I remembered my clairvoyant daughter speaks backwards, last word to first, whenever she’s grieving.

"Mom! There's a monster in my closet!" My daughter cried out loud. >!I froze in silence as the only thing in the closet was a note, a rope, and my son.!<

Dyslexia wins! Hey yall it's your friendly neighborhood meat counter guy. I had an order waiting for a customer who we'll call John. He ordered a whole ham. It was waiting all by its lonesome in our meat back room, untagged for some reason. I get it for him and weigh it out and the price comes to 46.31. He begins to take the ham and then asks me to cut it in half. I said "well okay sure", but the second I agree to this he says "oh could you trim it off the bone ??" This carving is not only something I can't do, but it's a different price . I end up throwing out the original ticket instead of tagging it, mainly because I forgot. He took the ham from me and said "well I'm sorry your such a funking idiot and can't figure out how to cut a ham ... when does the butcher come back?" I told him that he comes in at 7am. He leaves without (additional) incident and I eventually get a call from the cashier who asks my dyslexic ass for the price. I said "31.46". Then he said "really?" Which should have been N indicator. I suddenly hear the customer in the background grumbling his Dennis the menace Mr Wilson grumble as the cashier tells me that the customer doesn't think that's the right price and I better change the price. Enter MC. I thought as this was going on that the cashier questioning the price was more like an "oh wow that's cheap" and I realized the price I said was wayyy too cheap. I told him "hey tell the customer I'll happily change the price for him, and he can even come with to see the price change. Old man river (John, Mr Wilson, what have you) saunters back to the meat department along with his ham in a handbasket , looking like little red riding hood , with equally naive expectations of the next few moments of his life. In comes the big Bad wolf to weigh the ham I even say what I'm ringing up as I look up the code ... so whole ham, farmers, not spiral sliced ... 2.49 a pound, here ya go ! Tag is for $46.31, which is visible to his side as well as mine. "Oh I see what happened. My bad sir my dyslexia kicked in over the phone. It was 46.31, not 31.46. Here ya go". The audible exhale of breath was enough to energize me for the rest of the shift , just like ScreamJuice or whatever it is fueled monster inc. TLDR. I changed the price of a ham. Twice.

The farmer ordered a new bull Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull. The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows." The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows." The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!" About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes. The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it." The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

They warned us that the monsters were masters of auditory deception: the closer they were, the farther away their hunting cries sounded. And after running for half an hour from the bone-chilling screeches, all has suddenly fell silent.

When my daughter was taken away by the monsters, I armed myself before attacking their cave hidden in Singapore to get her back. I was defeated, and as one monster held me down, it hissed, “Madam, being her mother doesn’t excuse breaking her bones.”

What do sea monsters eat? Fish n ships Not mine. Saw it somewhere else and I thought it fits here Edit: thanks for the award

When the new neighbor moved in, all the monsters and beasts living in the woods nearby fled the area. I'm beginning to suspect that was a warning sign for the rest of us.

Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app... called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

If a cow is an herbivore, and a lion is a carnivore, then what is Cookie Monster? An om-nom-nom-nivore.

After the Texan wedding ... ... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly: "One." Further down the way, a small pile of dirt let the horse stumble again, and again without being fazed in any way, the cowboy lets the horse get up without a word, except a calm: "Two." As the sun goes down over the prairie, they are near the ranch. The horse, overlooking a root, stumbles a third time. Calmly, the cowboy says: "Three." He gets off the horse, helps off his bride, takes his gun and shoots the horse. His bride is shocked! "How could you, you monster! This poor beast carried us all the way and you shoot it in cold blood! Had I known this, I'd never have married you!" "One."

An elderly Jewish woman wins the lottery, $30 million after taxes. She goes to her Rabbi to discuss what to do with the money. She first says, "I'd like to spend $10 million on myself and my family." The Rabbi replies, "It would be good to enjoy your winnings, and family is important." She then says she'd like to donate another $10 million to the synagogue and the charity they run, since the synagogue has always been there for her, she'd like to give back. The Rabbi says they could always use the money. Then she says "I'd like to spend the last $10 million on a ten-foot golden statue of Adolf Hitler." Naturally the Rabbi is quite horrified. "Why would you want to memorialize such a monster?" he cries. She rolls up her sleeve and responds, "He gave me the winning numbers."

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

GOD is real!! An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted, " God, help me!" and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed " You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, " Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either.

A monster finds a cave and scares off the miners previously inside of the cave. Cecil Coalman, the owner of the cave, then offered $1000 to whoever could get the monster out of the cave.  The first to try was a butcher with a knife. After she disappeared into the cave, Cecil heard a swish, followed by a creak. The butcher then ran out with her knife bent.  The second to try was a hunter with a shotgun. After he disappeared into the cave, Cecil heard two shots, followed by a loud slap. The hunter then ran out while covering his ass. The third to try was an older woman with a phone. After she disappeared into the cave, Cecil heard a click, followed by crying. The monster then ran out with his tail tucked between his legs.  When the older woman exited the cave, Cecil rewarded her and asked, “How did you get that monster to leave?” The older woman showed a photo of a mountain of garbage.  Cecil then asked, “Is this from the cave?” The older woman nodded, “Yes. I said I would send this photo to his mother.”

12 inches Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" The friend answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

GOD An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly, the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted, "God, help me" and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster.

What do Sea Monsters eat? Fish and Ships.

What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare? A monster coming out of the closet

A group of eels are chilling in the river... When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream. Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals. "Holy shit guys, now's our chance!" "Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!" So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pair of legs. Ed and Heath twine together with their heads poking out of the sleeves, looking like a pretty convincing torso. Danny wraps his head around all three of his buddies, and pokes his head out of the top. After a little bit of practice on a muddy bank by the river, the boys have it down pat. The creature walks with a bit of a wobble, but after a few minutes they can manage a pretty convincing strut. "Let's go!" they all cry. The quartet flop their way up from the river, like some sort of slimy Frankenstein's monster, to the nearest liquor store. Tommy, like a champ, never complains once about being at the bottom. They peruse the aisles for a few minutes before Ed and Heath both grab a six-pack in their mouths and head for the counter. They drop the six packs in front of the bored-looking clerk and Danny, as the head, says "How much do I owe you, boss?" The clerk stares at the sodden character in front of him with a look of supreme disdain, then turns to his friend packing shelves and says... "Is this motherfucker four eels?"

What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs You're high ness

Why are monsters hipsters? Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

A man walks into a bar.... A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. This thing is huge, It’s about 10-12 feet long. An absolute monster. The bartender sees it and he starts freaking out and yells, “Dude you got to get that freaking thing out of here, someone is going to get bit by that beast, and I am the one who is going to get sued… It’s gotta go! The guy says, “ No, no, no…this here is the best trained, tamest, most docile gator you gonna ever see. He won’t be hurting no one, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Let me prove its to you.” He snaps his fingers, and pats his hand atop the bar, and the alligator slowly climbs up on top of the bar. The man then unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligators mouth. The alligator doesn’t move, and just sits there with his mouth open. After about five minutes, the man pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants. The bartender is completely amazed, completely speechless. The man then says, “See, I told you he was tame, told you he was trained…. Hey does anyone else want to give it a try? I’ll buy you a drink if you give it a try…” The drunk down at the end of the bar speaks up and says, “Yah, I’ll give it a shot, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my mouth open that long….”

A cat is walking home alongside a stream When he sees a sausage floating down it. Not to miss an opportunity he pulls it out with his paw and takes it home for his wife and kittens for supper. The next day he decides to walk by the stream again, as luck would have it there's another sausage but this time bigger than the last. It takes two paws into pull it out, then takes it home to feed his wife and kittens. The following day he sees an even bigger sausage this time he reaches in and it takes him 3 paws to pull it out almost slipping in and getting wet. Again his family is loving it. The very next night on the way home a monster of a sausage floating down the stream. It takes all 4 paws to pull it from the water. Of course the cat falls in. The moral of the story, the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy! (I've known this joke since I was 13. So it might be a bit immature for you guys)

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

Why did the sea monster eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes? No one can eat just one potato ship.

What do you call a fake Flying Spaghetti Monster? An impasta.

What's the difference between Tinder and the PokemonGo app? Nothing, it both requires swiping to find monsters in your area.

How does Frankenstein get off? he monsterbates!

A Jewish man us standing at the urinal when all of a sudden, this huge black man comes running into the restroom, rushes up to the urinal next to the Jewish man, whips out a monster dong, and starts to piss like crazy. The black man leans over and says "whew, I just made it!" The Jewish man replies "Could you make me one in white?"

There was a wave of relief in our city, as the military brought down the sea monster before it made landfall It was especially a relief for our circus, for with its infant still in captivity, we still had our star attraction.

(Not) an Aita post (yes it is humor) AITA for destroying a city after being “provoked”? Throwaway because humans keep trying to track me with satellites. So I (ancient, nuclear-powered, minding-my-own-business in the ocean) recently came ashore after detecting what I can only describe as extremely irritating energy signals. Think nails on a chalkboard, but the chalkboard is the Earth’s magnetic field and the nails are whatever nonsense humans have been detonating lately. Anyway, I surface, stretch my legs (I have terrible lower back stiffness after a few decades underwater), and head toward the source. Next thing I know, the locals are panicking, jets are buzzing me like angry mosquitoes, and someone actually had the audacity to fire missiles at my face. So yes, I may have: \- Stepped on a few buildings \- Accidentally tail-swiped a bridge \- Used my atomic breath in what I would describe as a defensive manner But from my perspective, I was reacting to: 1. Persistent, high-frequency provocation 2. Direct acts of aggression (MISSILES??) 3. A complete lack of respect for personal space Now the media is calling me a “monster” and “existential threat,” when all I wanted was to investigate a disturbance and maybe scream a bit into the void. Also worth noting: this is, what, the third time this has happened? At some point, is it really me, or is it the humans who keep poking the 300-foot radioactive lizard? My ancient reptilian instincts say I was justified. But the tiny voice in my head (might be residual radiation) says maybe I overreacted. AITA?

Scottish man in canada So a Scottish man with a stereotypical accent goes to canada and is riding on a train through the country. He then sees a moose out the window and starts FREAKING out. As the train crew notice his clamor, they quickly go to ask him what is wrong. He then asks, "What is that giant monster out there???". (read this part aloud) They say, "It's a moose". He replies, "A moose? Then I wonder what the rats look like here!"

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?" ###SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!

You should never take what a sea monsters says seriously. They're always Kraken jokes.

A farmer and his wife A farmer and his wife are traveling in their one-horse wagon down the road. The horse falters and causes the wagon to jolt. The farmer says, "That's one." The horse falters again and the farmer says, "That's two." The horse falters a third time and the farmer stops the wagon, gets out, and shoots the horse dead. His wife cries out, "You monster! How could you shoot that poor animal? Have you no compassion?!?!" The farmer sits back down in the wagon and calmly replies, "That's one."

Thrilling Theorised Therapeutic Prothedures A man having recurring nightmares about monsters under his bed eventually decides to visit a therapist. After trying different pills, consultations and visiting experts all over the country, still having nightmares, the man decides to visit another doctor. Two weeks later, the first therapist sees the man looking rested and healthy, and so asks "Has your problem been fixed already? The man you contacted must be a genius! Pray tell me, how did he solve your nightmares?" "Well" The man replies, "he told me to cut off the legs of my bed."

What did the sea monster have for dinner? Fish and ships.

The monster under the bed A man is upset about his irrational fear that there is a monster under his bed. He decides this needed to change so he starts going to a therapist. After months of therapy, his fear is still there, so he leaves the therapist to find someone who can cure him. A month later the therapist runs into him and sees that he appears happier than before. She asks "Did you finally get over your fear of a monster under your bed" He replies "Yes, and it only took one therapy session too!" "How?" "Simple. He just told me to cut off the legs of my bed."

Old but gold One day, John visited Rick to borrow some movie to watch. John: "can i borrow some of your movies?" Rick: "Sure thing, just follow me" John followed rick to a room full of movies from a to z Rick: "so what are you looking for?" John: "oh just some family friendly movies like Disney or Pixar would be nice" Rick: "alright then, let me get those movies for you" Rick picked a handful of movies and started handing them to john one by one Rick: "so here is Aladdin, cars, finding nemo, and monsters inc.... However" John: "however?" Rick: "I'm never gonna give you UP" I'm not sorry

A skinny white guy meets his cell-mate for the first time... Who happens to be a seven and a half foot monster of a black man. As soon as the guards lock the cell and leave the black man stands up and unzips his trousers. There's a dull thud as his massive cock hits the floor. He swings it one way, smashing the sink off the wall. He swings it the other, denting the frame of the two-storey bed. The white man cowers. 'Hey, White boy! Suck my dick!' The black man says. 'Thank fuck for that,' he replies, 'I thought you were gonna hit me with it.'

Success So a man was walking in a jungle when he comes across a ladder that goes up and disappears into the clouds. He gets curious and starts climbing. He comes up to the first cloud and there he finds an attractive naked woman. She says “either you can have sex with me or you can climb up to success”. But the man is curious to find out what’s up ahead. So he keeps climbing. Soon he comes to another cloud and there he finds an even more attractive naked woman. She says “either you can have sex with me or you can climb up to success”. He feels very tempted. But still he is curious to find out what’s up ahead. So he keeps climbing. Soon he comes to another cloud and there he finds an even more attractive naked woman. She says “either you can have sex with me or you can climb up to success”. The man is very horny now, but he wants find out what’s up ahead. So he keeps climbing. Soon he comes to another cloud and there he finds an unbelievably attractive naked woman. He had never even imagined such beauty. She says “either you can have sex with me or you can climb up to success”. The man is bursting with desire now. But since he now really wants to know what’s up ahead, he decides to keep climbing. Soon he comes to the last cloud where the ladder ends. As soon as he steps on the cloud, the ladder disappears from below him. Up ahead he sees a monster like man standing naked with the largest erection ever. He smiles at the man and says “Hi, I am Cess.”

The frog A man goes into a doctors office to complain about a problem he has been having. He has a 25 inch penis. He complained that it was getting in the way and he was tired of people looking at him due to his modest nature. Unfortunately for him, the doctor had only experienced patients who want to enlarge the size of their manhood, not reduce it. But he had heard of a magical frog who lived in a forest not far from town and that if you asked the frog to marry you your penis would shrink 5 inches. So the man, joyful at hearing this news, searches in the forest until he finds this magical frog. Hurriedly, he picks up the frog and asks "will you marry me?" The frog looked at the man, and responded "no." The man looked inside his pants and saw that he was now down to 20 inches! But 20 inches was still a monster, he thought. So again he asks the frog "will you marry me?" And again the frog rolled it's eyes and said flatly "no." Again , the man checks himself and sees he is down to 15 inches. He thinks to himself that 15 inches is still a little on the large side and decides one more time should do the trick. He picks up the frog one last time and asks "will you marry me?" And the Frog angerly responds "how many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!"

What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner? One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger.

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?" The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."

Mike wazowski opens up a tattoo shop Called Monsters Ink

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals. A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact was detected in the Duke of York Islands, about 500 miles northeast of Port Moresby, the capital of Papua New Guinea. “We need to get more detailed analysis. The search area was determined using local historical accounts, including one from Pacific islanders who spoke of a “monster” that approached a nearby reef and then disappeared. Upon closer inspection they found out the ship is, in fact, not a U.S. vessel but the Australian vessel, the AE1. Sorry, wrong sub.

I used to think I was homophobic. It turns out that I was just afraid of monsters in the closet.

Once upon a time there was a knight. He was a very brave knight. One of the very best. He slew monsters and fought off invaders. This knight had an excellent page. He would do anything for the knight. He was an expert at taking care of his horse, armor, and other equipment. The knight and the page were very good friends, trusting each other with everything. One day, the knight got a call about a monster terrorizing the countryside. He was told of a giant yellow hand that was crushing houses, murdering peasants, and all the other stuff that monsters tend to do. So the knight and his page prepared everything, saddled up the horse, and took off towards the hand. When they finally found the hand, the knight confronted it, and promptly got flicked off of his horse. With all of his armor on, he couldn't get back up! The page, thinking quickly, grabbed a rope and ran around the hand and through its fingers until it was tied up completely. The page had defeated the monster. And the moral of this story is to let your pages go walking through the yellow fingers.

A Fish Tale A Texas oil tycoon is in northern Canada for a vacation and has booked a day of fishing on the Great Slave Lake. The guide says they will start out on the lake at sun up, two am. As they start out the guide says, “Have you ever seen such a long day?” The Texan lights a cigar and says, “Sonny, the sun never sets on Texas, it’s God’s country” As they head out across The Great Slave, the tenth largest in the world, the guide asks, “Have you ever fished on a lake a big as this?” The Texan puffs on his cigar and says, “Sonny, back in Texas this would just be a pond.” Finally they arrive at the fishing ground. They set their gear and the Texan reels in a few nice ones then he hooks a big one. The fight goes on for hours. Finally he reels it close enough to the boat to see that it is a monster, the biggest he has ever seen. In his mind he already sees it mounted over his fireplace, a trophy to brag to his friends about. The guide muscles the boat into the boat and turns to the Texan with a smile, “Have you ever seen a trout this big?” Unable to resist, the Texan shrugs and says, “Why, Sonny, back in Texas we throw little ones like that back.” The guide smiles and drops the fish back into the lake. “We do the same thing here in Canada.”

The people of Trid had a problem... A dragon kept showing up and stealing all their food. Fed up with the inaction of the government, a local rabbi decided to take matters into his own hands. He called upon the Trids to band together with him and fight this menace, a suggestion met with eager cheers. They moved at dawn to attack in order to catch the beast unaware. However, the dragon saw the rabbi and his posse marching toward its cave well before they arrived and charged out with a deafening roar. Before the attackers had time to react, the dragon began kicking them mercilessly. Yet, when the rabbi moved in to strike, the dragon stopped, picked him up, set him aside, and returned to kicking the rest of the posse. This happened several times; whenever the rabbi charged, the dragon stopped, picked him up, set him aside, and then went back to kicking. Finally, the confused man demanded to know why he wasn't worth the monster's wrath. The dragon turned to him with a smile, shook its scaly head, and replied, "silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

I'm going to make a movie about a guy in a turban who turns into a monster at night... ...it'll be called "Hyde & Sikh".

Why can you always trust Frankenstein's monster? He's got somebody else's back, he could probably handle yours.

32 Days A bartender was working at his bar, when in walks 3 blondes. They seem very happy and excited. They are carrying a small picture and are chanting "32 days", "32 days", "32 days". Obviously very please with themselves, they sit down and order a pitcher of Margareta, that the bartender brings them. After about 10 minutes another 5 blondes walk in and as soon as they see the first 3 they run over there, highfiving each other and chanting "32 days", "32 days", "32 days", followed by more cheering. At this point they order another pitcher of margareta. The bartender brings over another pitcher and takes a quick peek at the picture the first group brought in. Its a puzzle picture of the cookie monster. He is a bit confused and his curiosity gets the better of him and so he asked the nearest blonde what is going on? What is up with the picture and why are they chanting 32 days? The blonde tells him "you know how people think that blondes are dumb?". Bartender states "well I have heard this obviously, but hey I dont buy into that nonsense", and then he states "but what does that have to do with the picture and 32 days?" She tells him "that the picture is a puzzle of the cookie monster, and even though on the box it says clearly 3-5 years, their group finished it in 32 days."

A man goes to the doctor.. He says "Doc, I think there's a monster under my bed, and I can't go to sleep." The doctor says "all right, take these pills three times a day for a week and tell me if it works.". The man takes the pills and goes back home. A week later, the man doesn't come back, so the doctor calls him."Oh, don't worry. I'm fine now. My bartender cured my phobia." "How?" "He told me to saw the legs off my bed."

2 monsters started talking 2 monsters were talking, one said he loved eating humans, the other disagreed. the first monster asked how he was cooking his humans. The second answered "I boiled him."So the first monster then asked if the second could describe the human he was trying to cook the second responded with "well, he was bald with a ring of hair, he wore a brown robe, with a rope around his waist like a belt." The second monster replied "well there's your problem! He was a FRIAR"

What's the seamonster's favourite meal? Fish & Ships

A huge biker guy steps into a bar... The bar is full of vicious looking men, staring each other in violent silence. Everyone can feel that a fight is just about to explode. The huge, absolutely monstrous, biker takes the first free pint of beer from the table pushing its previous owner aside. He sips half lf the pint with one gulp with everyone staring at him, hits it back to the table and burbs loudly. Then he looks around slowly and opens finally shouts: - Who is the meanest, toughest, hardest fucker here? First nothing happens, but then sound comes from the darkest corner of the bar. - I believe that's me. All the eyes turn into the sound. It looks as if there's Arnold's bigger brother streching himself up from a stool. He slowly pops his humongous neck muscles, rools his shoulders a couple of times and let's his right sleeve to tear for flexing his biceps. Everyone pulls slowly away from between the two monsters. The room falls totally silent as the two guys stareat each other. - So, You say You are the toughest, meanest and hardest fucker in this bar, the biker asks? - I believe so. Why are You asking? - Well then, can you keep an eye on my beer while I'll go to have a leak?

Can we Frankenstein Monster a joke? i propose we see who can come up with the best joke. we submit a part, someone else adds to it. maybe 3 parts? maybe not? let's see who can come up with the funniest crowd sourced joke.

I need assistance reddit. I work with kids and need jokes puns and otherwise for fall and Halloween. The more groan worthy the better. Once i have enough i will put them in a box/ bag appropriately named the "monster box" since it looks like a green monster.

Everyone on the planet is chasing imaginary monsters with their phone But when I do it I need to "grow up" and "quit looking for Bigfoot."

"All your dreams will come true", said my fortune cookie And the next day I realized, I went to work naked and couldn't run when I got chased by that monster

At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster? Ate P.M.

People say Frankenstein's monster had a temper, but actually he was surprisingly level headed.

If Cookie Monster was going to eat a country, what country would he eat? Viet-nom-nom-nom-nom

So pokemon go is now just as popular as tinder. Both are apps where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

TIL that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it's own version of the devil . . . You will know this fake Flying Spaghetti Monster by his name, for he is known as the Im-Pasta.

This morning I came early to my office And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could. Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!” At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the LochNess monster either!” (Credit. The Joke Cafe)

Knock knock. Who’s there? Dracula. Dracula who? Knock knock. Who’s there? Frankenstein. Frankenstein who? Knock. Who’s there? The Knock Less Monster.

What are golfers afraid of? The bogey monster

Pokemon Go Is Just Like Tinder Both apps require you to swipe to catch monsters in your area.

(taken from my kid's favorite show 'Arthur') What is a sea monster's favorite meal? Fish and Ships

What's even harder to find than Bigfoot, UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and diamonds in Minecraft? The real download button on Softpedia.com

An Italian, a Jewish, and a black boy at recess Once, there were three third graders. One was Italian, one was Jewish, and one was black. They were at recess. They were also good friends. "What do you wanna play?", the black guy said. "How 'bout we play 'Who's Got The Biggest Dick'?", the black guy asked. "Okay, okay", they all agreed. So one by one they unzipped their pants. The Jewish guy's was about three inches. The Italian's was about an inch longer. When they saw the black guy's, they said "Holy crap! That's a monster!". It outgrew their's by about five inches. They then ran off, and the black guy went home. "What did you do at school today, honey?", his mother asked. "We played "Who's Got The Biggest Dick", he answered. "I won. They said it's because I'm black. Is that true?" "No, honey. It's because you're twenty three".

Presidential monster Remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President. Trump is the name of his monster.

Why are there so many gay monsters? Because they're always coming out of the closet!

Two midgets are in a casino and they had just won so money.... they get some hookers and bring them back to their separate rooms.The first midget is wasted and can't get it up. So he paid the hooker and saw her out. Now relaxing on the bed all he can hear through the wall in his buddies room is 1..2..3.. uggggh 1..2..3..uggggh 1..2..3.. uuuuuggggghhhhh over and over again until he drifts off to sleep. The next morning the midgets go to breakfast together. At breakfast the conversation turns to the night before. The first midget says to the other "Damn man I couldn't get it up last night but I could hear you through the wall and damn you sounded like a monster in bed." The second midget says "Monster in bed I couldn't even get into bed."

Why is the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of Pasta? Because "made of bread" was already taken by Jesus.

Are Monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula. Happy Spooktober everyone.

What has 40 teeth and holds a monster at bay? My zipper.

Why did all the sea monsters refer to the kraken as a whore when he died? Because he died choking on a bunch of seamen.

The land of Trids. A long time ago there was a village inhabited by a group of people called the Trids. Every day a monster would come by the village and kick anyone not in a house, that he could see. At their monthly village meeting the topic was all anyone could hear. The rabbi, who was the leader of the village, tried to think of ways to stop the monster from kicking villagers. At the end of the meeting he told everyone to stay indoors for the whole day. The next day, when the monster came to the village and didn't see anyone, he let out a loud roar. The rabbi exited his house and told the monster to leave the village, that he would take the punishment for everyone. The monster, whose roar was fading into heavy breathing, said "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids"

Where did Cookie Monster develop PTSD? Viet-nom nom nom nom nom.

There was a monster who ate properties... He ate a lot.

Irish Nessie Over in Ireland, in a lake near Dublin, thay have their own Nessie. It's a monster that likes to ring doorbells. It's a knock-less monster.

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint- Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad!"

Knock, knock Who's there? Cecile. Cecile who? Cecile the d-door! There's a m-monster outs-s-side!

What do you get when you combine a watch with a dog? An eternally suffering abomination...YOU MONSTER!

I didn't sleep very good last night... So I put some Monster Energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.

An Atheist was boating in Loch Ness... When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster bursts out of the water and poises to eat its next victim. The Atheist yells "Oh, please God, help me!" Time stopped and all of the sudden, God questions in a booming voice, "I thought you did not believe in me?" The Atheist stands up and says, "Well, I did not believe in the Loch Ness monster until ten seconds ago."

What kind of car does the loch Ness monster drive? A Nissan tree fiddy!