100+ Monkey Jokes

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..." Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!!"

FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight." Me: "But you already own her home." [Dad](https://www.reddit.com/u/psybermonkey15?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share): -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will." Credit to u/psybermonkey15

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!" "When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A woman gets on a bus and the bus driver exclaims “that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Angry as she’s ever been, she storms to the back of the bus and sits next to a man who is reading the newspaper. He noticed the woman was visibly upset and asks her what’s wrong. She says, “That bus driver just insulted me and my family!” So the man says, “Well that’s just terrible! You go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Go ahead! I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

What do a black rapper and a playground have in common Monkey bars

Phineas and Verb, but all the ferbs are replaced with "fuck" and "fucking" There's 104 days of summer vacation And school fucks along just to fuck it So the annual problem for our generation Is fucking a good way to fuck it Like maybe... Fucking a rocket Or fucking a mummy Or fucking up the Eiffel Tower Fucking something that doesn't exist, Hey! Or fucking a monkey a shower Fucking tidal waves Fucking nanobots Or fucking Frankenstein's brain, It's over here! Fucking a dodo bird Fucking a continent Or fucking your sister insane, Phineas! As you can fuck There's a whole lot of stuff to fuck Before school fucks this fall, fuck on Perry! So fuck with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb Are gonna fuck it all So fuck with us 'cause Phineas and Ferb are Gonna fuck it all! Mom! Phineas and Ferb are fucking a title sequence!

Mow your lawn wet? Okay, enjoy the look when it dries. I had a pretty successful lawn mowing hustle in high school, with enough regulars to have a decent income. Sometimes, it just rains every inconvenient day and lawns get longer and longer. Most customers understood that they needed to be patient and wait until it's dry enough to mow, but not this one guy. He was on the cutting edge of impatience, and in a mowment of dullness, he insisted I come and "deal with this" because it was too long, even though it had continued to rain even on the same day. I told him, this is not going to go well, but he insisted, so I got out there and did the best I could, with wet soggy grass clumping up all over the place. If you know anything about this, you know that mowing thick wet grass with a push mower tends to just lay the grass over and not really cut it, so you can imagine what it looked like after two dry days. The house was on a busy corner of the neighborhood, so until I could get to a week later, it looked like a troop of drunken monkeys had attacked his lawn with scissors. It looked much worse than if he'd just waited until it was dry. The only thing I felt bad about was that everyone knew that was my work, so I made sure to make it look super nice as soon as I could do it properly.

Good animal joke A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

Fire me for driving too fast at 15 kph then tell me to drive back the district office? You got it boss!! Tl;dr fired by raging boss, MC extra $300, show up a week later in different job and new boss keeps me in old bosses face after finding out why. Gonna be kinda long one but I have an MC and a pro revenge in one. A friend reminded me of this when talking about all the forest fires burning in Canada right now. In the late 80s I got a job with the Ministry of Natural Resources driving to support fighting forest fires. Great job, just over double minimum wage (major bonus @ 19) and they had no limit to the number of hours you could work. Fire season started early & by mid May I was supporting one that was (I think, long time ago) 3-400 hectares and growing quickly (1 hectare = 2.5 acres). Back then I think the whole district was around around 100 000 sq. km (think all of Indiana), so there was a lot of driving. One day I get to the on site hq and get told to wait while they found me a return load. Little later I am told to go to the helicopter staging area to pick up the fire boss (FB). (To preface, the road was shit) I pick him and a few others up and make my way back. Half way there I hit a deep pot hole and the FB just loses it. Starts bellowing about goddamned kids speeding, no respect etc. For the 5 minutes it takes to get back. I found out on the way there that going to fast was not a good deal so made sure to not go faster than 15 kph (9 mph). As soon as we get to base camp slams his way out of the truck a screams 'YER FIRED'!! Get back to district and have them process you!! OK, Fuck you very much sir. We were deep, deep in the bush. I don't know how deep but it took me close to 7 hours to get there. Cue Malicious Compliance I grabbed 2 20l gas cans (5 gallons) and set off. Real, real slow. If 15 kph was to fast for these roads then the proper speed was obviously however fast the truck went at idle (unless there was a hill, I'm wasn't a monster). It took 22 hours to reach the first paved road and then I set the cruise control 5 kph below the limit and went to get fired. Extra $300ish ya me. I process out and I meet one of the guys (call him crew boss CB)who taught the level 1 forest fire fighter course I took before I got hired to drive. We got along well but there only 2 new full time hires that year and none on his crew. He had just come with one of his guys who broke his leg and was going to personnel to find someone new. I was quickly hired on as his 4th. 2 hours later I'm being driven to meet his crew at a fire. Couple says later that fire is declared out and we are off to a new fire. Yup. The fire I was fired from. Kinda revengish but it get better. Cue pro revenge. CB it turns out is besties with FB so FB has our crew as the initial response crew. This meant that we spent a lot of time riding in the helicopter with FB and responding to jump fires that would take minimal time to deal with. It took a week before he recognized me and I watched out the corner of my eye, something I thought was only in books or said as an exaggeration. This guy went from pink to red to actually turning purple. I couldn't hear what was being said but I see the skittle flowing out as he yelled into headset and I got some major side eye from CB for the rest of the flight. When CB asked about it later and I explained including the drive back he almost passed himself. Turns out (surprise), FB has a long history of exploding over nothing and taking it out on the nearest poor bastard. He ended up firing 2 more guys over the same thing and likely the same pothole. So CB knew what he was like but they got along really well. Turns out he also really liked poking the bear. For the rest of that fire CB made sure I was seated so I was the first person he saw if he looked over his shoulder. On a later fire our crew got admin duties and CB was FB's #2. I got to be as CB put his helper monkey and FB's jock itch. The rest of the crew knew so there wasn't any friction and they got a kick out it. It was a great summer and I worked for CB 3 more summers through Uni. Always went back with Great stories, really nice money (I collected unemployment during school not sure if it was legal but no one said anything and pretty sure time has run out any way) in amazing shape but with a really weird tan.

Only Phone Calls Matter. You Get What You Asked For! :) My mother is toxic and likes to have unspoken rules for me that I never know exist until I break them. However, I have one time in my life where I broke one but decided she was going to eat her own words because I had enough. A few years ago, her birthday in May landed on a weekday with Mother's Day that weekend. I was busy at work that week and was already working weekends and overtime. But I always made sure to remember her birthday and Mother’s Day. I bought her presents, sent her a birthday card and Mother’s Day card, texted her a happy birthday and Mother’s Day and even gave a very well thought out post on her FB. It’s all I had time for. However, I never heard a word from her. She didn't call me, nor did I get a text if she even received the present that I sent her. No thank you’ s, nothing. I was too busy to even ask about it and with her typical behavior of ignoring me I just didn't press her about it. In December a special event came up in my life which I told her about several times. My sister had similar events, and my mother always remembered hers. So, when it came and went with her saying nothing, I brought it up over text. I was told that she "didn't realize it was important to me". I was upset and admittedly angry over once again being ignored and forgotten about. Cue her usual deflection in which she then turned the entire argument around on me and that's when I found out she did receive my present - 7 months later! She then told me, and I quote, "You didn't think it hurt my feelings when you didn't bother to call me on my birthday or Mother’s Day? Sorry but Facebook cards just don't get it and neither does texting;". Fine. Cue my malicious compliance. For the next year she never got a text, a FB post, birthday present, Mother’s Day present, Christmas present etc. But she got her phone call on her birthday and holidays. Phones calls are the ONLY thing she received because as she said, other forms of communication and thoughtful gestures didn’t cut it. After a year of this, my mother sends in her reliable flying monkey. My sister calls me to tell me that, "Mom doesn't think you love her because you don't send her presents anymore." I'd like to say I stood my ground but at the time I was still a doormat, so the malicious compliance ended. I'm no contact with my family now but to this day...it makes me proud that for once I used her words against her and set a boundary. She never said that to me again, so it was worth it! :)

A man and a monkey walk into a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar and eats a very old olive that was sitting there. The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He ate that disgusting olive!" The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it." The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave. A couple days later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball. The bartender says, "Did you see what your monkey did? He swallowed the cue ball!" The man says, "Oh, he does stuff like that all the time. Just ignore it." The man finishes his beer and he and the monkey leave. A week later, the man and the monkey walk back into the bar. The man sits down and orders a beer. The monkey jumps onto the bar, picks up a cherry, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender says, "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Your monkey stuck that cherry up his butt and ate it." The man says, "Yeah, ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day..... There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby... A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

What’s the best way to stop an unwanted erection Zoning laws. If someone is erecting something near your property that you don’t like, inform the local city council. Thank you,u/monkeyboatrentals for the pun

TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys. Human almost never eat monkeys at all.

Super intelligent monkey [NSFW] A man walked up to a zoo where a small cage was isolated and "Intelligent Monkey" was written over the board. Man asked the guide why? Guide: Give him something to eat. Man gave him a peanut, monkey took the peanut, shove it in its ass and then ate it. Man: what is so intelligent in it? Guide: Months ago, an Englishman came here, gave him a mango, this fucker swallowed it whole, the seed got struck in his ass, he had problems getting it out so now first he checks if it will get out easily and then eats it. Man: Cool The man visits the same zoo after months only to find that a "Super Intelligent monkey" was written over the cage of that monkey. Man: What now, how is he super intelligent now? Guide: Give him something to eat. Man gave him a grape, monkey took the grape, dipped it into a water bowl, shoved into his ass and then ate it. Man: How does that make him superintelligent? Guide: That Englishman returned last month, saw this monkey, only this time he handed him a lighted CIGARETTE. Edit: Thanks for the response guys, my first post on r/jokes and I am loving it. Although the monkey is not that happy about it. Englishman should've given him a lit cigar I guess..

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

I wish I had a rapid regenerative healing factor. As the monkey paw fell to the ground, I found myself overlooking a factory window with lines of people outside and signs indicating a global food shortage.

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

In the beginning, God created the dog. He told it, "For 20 years, you are to sit near the door and bark at whoever walks by." The dog responded, "20 years? That's a long time to do that. How about I do that for 10 years and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He then created the monkey and told it, "For 20 years, you are to entertain and bring joy to others." The monkey replied, "20 years is a long time to do that. What if I do it for 10 years and give you back the rest of the time?" God agreed. He proceeded to create the cow to which He told, "For 40 years, you are to slave and provide others with milk and labor." The cow protested, "That's a long time to do that. What if I do half and give you back the remainder?" God agreed. He finally created man and said to him, "For 25 years, you are to eat, sleep, marry, and have fun." Man asks, "Only 25 years? That's not nearly enough time. Couldn't you give me the remainder of the time that the animals gave back?" God agreed. That is why now after marriage, we spend 20 years slaving and providing for our family, 10 years entertaining our grandchildren, and 10 more years sitting near the door and barking at whoever walks by.

Age brings wisdom A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. The dog immediately settles down to chew on the bones turning his back to the approaching leopard. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog loudly says: "My, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard slinks away. "That was too close," thought the leopard, "that dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a mischievous monkey had observed the entire scene, and decided to cause trouble for the dog, while getting on the good side of the leopard as well. The monkey dashed off after the leopard, to tell him what truly happened. The dog saw the monkey dash off, and suspiciously tailed him from behind. He overhears the monkey spilling the beans, and quickly decides on a course of action, racing back to the pile of bones. At the same time, the leopard has decided to take care of the dog once and for all. The monkey hops on the leopard's back, to watch the demise of the doomed dog. As the leopard approaches, he can hear the dog talking to himself: "Where's that lazy monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago for another leopard, and he's still not back!"

What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A baboom.

A monkey is getting stoned in a tree.. A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?"

A monkey claims that he has the best weed in the world. A lizard notices a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. He calls up, "Hey, monkey! What are you doing?" "I'm smoking the best weed in the world," replies the monkey. "I doubt it," says the lizard. The monkey invites him to the top of the tree to try it. The lizard takes a few puffs and concedes that it really is amazing weed! After a few more puffs he gets very thirsty. He tells the monkey that he'll be back after a quick drink and stumbles off to the river. At the river he is so stoned and uncoordinated that he falls in. An alligator sees him and pushes him back onto shore with his nose. He then asks, "What is wrong with you?" The lizard tells him, "Oh, the monkey up in that tall tree has the best weed in the world." The gator goes to the tall tree to see for himself. "Hey, monkey!" he calls. The monkey opens his eyes wide and says, "How much water did you drink, man?"

Translated: A rabbit is running in the jungle A rabbit is running in the jungle when he sees a monkey getting drunk. He hops over to him and says "Man, its such a nice day out. Why don't you put down that disgusting stuff and come run around with me." The monkey agrees. After a while they meet an elephant smoking some weed. The rabbit again approaches him, "Man, put down that awful stuff and come run around with us." The elephant agrees and they resume running around. After a while they see a tiger about to do some heroin. The rabbit approaches him but before he can say a word the tiger smacks him and says, "I am sick and tired of your shit. Every time you do cocaine you get half the jungle population to chase you around like idiots."

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

A man and his monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first.

MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, **"Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"** **"Sorry,"** replied the guy. **"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."** The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. **"Did you see what your monkey did now?"** he asks. **"Yeah,"** replies the guy. **"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."** [source](http://smile.xonaki.com/Joke/EN?categoryCode=EN&jokeId=18)

How Were People Born? A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family." -

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

A little girl went to her mom... *I don't know if I'm doing a good job translating this from my native language, I hope you like it either way* A little girl goes to her mother and says: "Mom, guess what? Some hair grew on my pussy!" The mother replied: "That's not a very polite thing to say, honey! If you tell your older sister tell her that 'your monkey grew some hair'." The girl went to her sister and told her that "her monkey grew some hair". The sister looked at her and said: "You're still there?! My monkey is already eating bananas!"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

A guy with a monkey walks into a bar... A guy with a monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No one really pays him any attention. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder and heads over to a pool table. The monkey picks up the cue ball and then eats it. "You're going to have to pay for another cue ball," the bartender says. "Relax," the man says, "I will return with it in a few days." 3 days later, the man comes back with his monkey and hands the bartender the cue ball. He then sits down and orders a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder. It grabs a peanut, sticks it up its butt, and then eats it. "Why did he do that?" the bartender asks. The man replies, "He likes to measure things now beforehand."

The Lion and the Monkey A lion and lioness are sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a nearby tree and starts insulting the mighty lion. The lioness starts to get angry and says, "King of the jungle, how dare you allow this puny monkey to insult you? You must punish him." "You are right, but you know what? I am king of the jungle and I must not lower myself to his level. Let's ignore it." The lioness, astonished, sat in silence. Yet the monkey kept on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience. "I cannot allow this any longer. I'm going to teach that monkey a lesson." So the lioness chases after the monkey. After a long chase she finds herself out of the jungle and at a construction site. She sees the monkey going through a narrow pipe and leaps in after him. The pipe apparently was not large enough, and the lioness gets stuck. Seeing that the lioness is stuck, the monkey walks around behind her. "Who's a bad girl? Who's a bad girl?!!" he yells as he screws her from behind, over and over again. The monkey has his way and then finally leaves with a big smile on his face. After an hour long struggle, the lioness finally frees herself from the pipe. Injured, and completely embarrassed, she returns home to the jungle and to her king. "So how did the hunt go?" the lion curiously asked. The lioness couldn't even look at him. "Aaahhh, he took you to the construction site didn't he?"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Adam and Eve A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race start?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mum said they developed from monkeys?" The father answered, "It is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs... A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Monkey Business A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500. The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions. Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they? I don't want anyone to ever find out. Ok, done! What's your second condition? The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

A blonde takes part in a game show [Disclaimer: I don't know whether this counts as a joke, if not please tell me which subreddit would be suitable, 'cause it's actually a pretty fun "story"] First question: how long did the Hundred Years War last? a) 99 years b) 116 years c) 100 years d) 150 years The blonde prefers to use her one free pass joker at this point, so here comes the next question: where does the Panama hat originate from? a) Ecuador b) Venezuela c) Colombia d) Panama The blonde asks the public's help joker and here comes the next question: what was George VI's first name? a) Albert b) Jonah c) George d) Constantine The blonde uses the 50:50 joker and here comes the next question: during which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution? a) September b) October c) November d) February The blonde uses the phone call joker and here comes the next question: which animal gave its name to the Canary Islands? a) Seal b) Canary c) Monkey d) Cat The blonde says the wrong answer and loses the game. Did you laugh at the blonde for using her jokers to answer such *easy* questions? Well, here are the correct answers: 1 - 116 years (from 1337 to 1453) 2 - Ecuador 3 - Albert 4 - November (because the Russians' calendar used to be Julian as opposed to Gregorian (in the latter, the revolution's date is 7 November) 5 - Seal (monk seal = *canis marinus* or sea dog / Canariae Insulae = Islands of the Dogs)

The creator of predictive text died today His funfair is next monkey

A child and Human Origin A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A man walks into a bar ... (NSFW) A man walks into a bar with a monkey. The bartender asks "hey man, whats with the monkey?" The man replies "watch this!" The man then slaps the monkey and then the monkey starts blowing him. "Wow that's pretty cool" says the bartender. "You wanna try?" asks the man. The bartender says "yeah sure! ... Just don't slap me so hard."

WALKS INTO A BAR... MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass." The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says, "You made a deal - now I get to fuck you up the ass!" The elephant laughs again and says, "Yep, a deal is a deal - go ahead!" So the ant climbs up the elephant's hind leg, goes under his tail, and starts to do his business. Meanwhile, a monkey has been up in a tree watching this whole thing, and throws a coconut at the elephant, hitting him squarely in the head. The elephant then rears up on his hind legs and lets out a huge yell of pain. The ant screams, "Take it all, Bitch!"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Tortoises's Birthday All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went first and told the funniest joke he knew and everyone laughed... Except the tortoise. So the lion ate him. The gazelle was next and nervously told her funniest joke. Again everyone laughed but the tortoise so the lion ate the gazelle. After a few more times of this happening it seemed the tortoise didn't find any of the jokes funny. It was the rabbits turn and he told the funniest joke any of the animals had ever heard, but the tortoise would still not laugh. The lion was starting to get a little annoyed that the tortoise wasn't laughing. Finally it was board turn and he told a mediocre joke and only got a few laughs. However, the tortoise started laughing hysterically. The lion, confused, asked the tortoise how he found the boar's joke funny but not the other ones. The tortoise said "No...I just got the monkey's joke."

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account? Prime-mates.

A woman gets on a bus. A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

A monkey was arrested A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night... his funfair is next monkey

The Lost Dog A lost dog strays into a jungle. From a distance a lion sees this and says with caution, "This guy looks edible! Never seen his kind before." The lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace, to which the dog notices and starts to panic. As he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea - He says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!" The lion abruptly stops and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher than he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. The monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. The monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". They start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts, "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A Girl gets on the bus holding a baby... ...and the bus driver sees her and says "What an ugly baby!" The girl is mortified. She pays and sits in the back, crying. And old guy is there and asks her: "What happened, dear?" She answers: "That damn bus driver was SO rude to me!" And then the old man says: "Well my dear, then go over there and tell him what you think! I'll hold your monkey for you!"

Ugly Baby A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkeys. I thought she was kidding... ...and then I saw her face.

Monkey and Lion A Lion and lioness were sitting in their den, when a monkey climbs up a near by tree and start insulting lion. Lioness gets angry and inquire : " King of the jungle how dare this lowly animal saying such insults to you? You must punish him by killing him instantly" Lion (in its full glory and esteem) : "You are right, but you know what. I am king of jungle and I must not lower myself to nobody. Lets ignore it." Lioness astonished sits in silence. Yet the monkey keeps on. After sometime, the lioness looses her patience. : "His highness, i cannot allow such outrage." So lioness jumps out and rages after the monkey. Monkey start running as well. Soon lioness find herself out of jungle at a near by construction site. She saw the monkey going through inside a narrow pipe. Determined as she was, she tries to leap inside as well. The pipe apparently was not large enough and thus the lioness gets stuck. Seeing the lioness is stuck inside the pipe, the monkey comes from behind and starts fucking her brains out. Once done, monkey cheerfully went away. An hour of struggle and finally lioness free herself from the pipe. Injured, and embarrassed she heads back. "So.. how did the hunt go?" : Loin curiously asked, Yet Lioness replies nothing keeps her head down in shame and embracement. Loin:"Ah... he took you to the construction site, did not he?" Edit:Sorry for bad english. If you are unable to understand, just ROFL.

where do babies come from A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A women gets on the bus with her baby... A women gets on the bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby i've ever seen!" The women walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, " The driver just insulted me!" The man replies, "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey."

A monkey was smoking weed sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink. Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!" The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke... A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"

The old dog, the leopard and the monkey An old dog got lost in the savanna... Noticing easy prey, a leopard prepared for an ambush behind a tree. However, the dog could also smell the leopard and being quite crafty he took a quick survey of the area and found a bone. With the bone in his mouth he soliloquized "Oh my goodness, this is so tasty! I love leopard meat! I wish I could find another to eat!"The leopard became nervous and decided to run away. A monkey, who was watching the entire scene, ran after the leopard climbing from treetop to treetop. Upon catching up to the leopard the monkey mocked him and told him how the old dog had tricked him. Furious, the leopard ran back to the old dog being followed all the while above the trees by the monkey.But the dog once again caught wind of the leopard and the monkey. Thinking quickly on his feet the old dog said aloud "DAMMIT, where is that pesky monkey? He promised to bring me another leopard and he still hasn't come back!" (Thx u/PhillipCarey for the formatting)

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby... A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Jungle Defense A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Whoa! This guy seems tougher then he looks. I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

Hold that ugly baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

A child asked his father.. A child asks his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey He doesn't have any money so he decides to make a bet. "I bet anyone here, drinks for the night, that my monkey can eat anything you give him." A guy playing pool decides to take the bet and hands the monkey the eight ball from the table. The monkey looks at the ball for a second then swallows it whole. Everyone cheers and they go about partying the night away. A few weeks go by the same guy walks back into the bar with the same monkey. The monkey jumps onto the bar and grabs a peanut from a bowl. He then shoves it up his ass, pulls it out, looks at it, then eats it. The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "WTF was that about?" The man replies," Ohh man, ever since that eight ball, he tests everything!"

A trucker picks up a hitch hiker They get a few miles down the road and the hitch hiker notices a monkey sitting on the truckers' head rest. "Damn man! You got a pet monkey?" "Well," the trucker replied, "it gets loney out here on the road. I needed some company. I don't like dogs or cats. And monkeys are easy to train." "So he does tricks?" The trucker slaps the monkey in the back of the head and the monkey jumps in the truckers' lap, pulls down his zipper and starts to pleasure him. The hitcher can barely watch, looking back and away, back and away. After a whole minute the monkey climbs back to his spot. "That's crazy man!" "Well, I told you it gets lonely out here. Wanna try it?" The hitcher thinks hard and says, " sure.....just don't slap me in the head as hard, OK?"

How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Monkeys screw in trees.

A child asked his father, A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A monkey walks into a bar... ...and asks the bartender: - Do you have bananas? - No. - Do you have bananas? - I said, no. - Do you have bananas? - No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter! - ... Do you have nails? - No. - Do you have bananas?

The tale of the clever dog Once upon a time, a plane crashed inside a tropical islands little jungle. A dog, being the last passenger alive, decides to abandon the plane in hopes of finding a way out of the jungle. While walking in the jungle, the dog notices a tiger behind it. The riger not knowing that the dog is aware of its presense decides to attack. The clever dog notices and says "Man Im so hungry! I wish there was a tiger nearby so I could kill and eat it." The tiger hears the dogs monologue and decides to return to its cave nearby in fear that the dogs words might actually become true. A monkey was sitting on a tree, and was spectating the whole scenery, meaning that it undertood the dogs trick, so it decides to go inside the tigers lair and tell it the truth in exchange for some free food. The clever dog though, being aware of the monkeys presence, decides to follow it, resulting the dog to hear the monkey-tigers dialogue. A few hours later the tiger rushes in the jungle in hopes of finding the dog. The tiger finds the clever dog (which was pretending that didnt see the tiger) and it was about to strike when the dog all of a sudden says "Where the hell is this monkey?! I told it to bring me a tiger and it didnt lure in a single one!!!"

Kid's innocence! A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

A man walks out of a bar... He realizes he must be drunk after having seen an Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman drinking together, A horse, 2 chemists (one dead), a piano player, a dog, a monkey, an octopus, 007, an ostrich as well as a befuddled bartender tending to countless men walking into the bar...

Took me a while *When I was a kid, my mom always used to quote the punchline of this joke. Today, four decades later, I finally heard the joke itself.* On a hot day, a guy ducks into a bar for a beer. There is no one in the bar but the bartender, a pianist, and a little monkey dancing on the piano. The guy is drinking his beer, when the monkey comes over, dancing ever more energetically, stepping, jumping, twirling. The dance reaches its frenzied climax, and the monkey gives a little bow, and walks over to glass of beer sitting on the bar, and dunks his testicles in the beer, saying "Ahhhh" as his over-heated genitalia are cooled. The guy goes over to the piano. "Hey," he says, "Do you know your monkey is soaking his balls in my beer?" "No," replies the pianist. "But if you hum a few bars, I can fake it."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Lion vs Dog A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A monkey was smoking weed up in a tree... .. When suddenly a small lizard walked by. "What are you doing up there?" The Lizard asked "I'm smoking some weed. You should try some, it's real' good!" The monkey replied. Not having anything to lose, the lizard accepted. A little while later, the lizard was feeling thirsty and went down to the nearby waterhole to get something to drink. There, he met an alligator who could smell something from the Lizard. Upon explaining that he'd been smoking, the alligator went back, infuriated. "Hey, are you the monkey who's smoking dope?!" The alligator yelled. The monkey's bloodshot eyes almost popped out of his head, saying "Holy shit, dude! How much water did you drink?!"

A Monkey passes away at a zoo, and they have no other Monkey's in the zoo A desperate man is hired to dress in a Monkey Suit, after a few days he somehow falls into the lion pit. Suddenly he is yelling for help, the Lion approaches him and says, "Shut up or you're gonna get us both fired!"

Did you hear about the monkey who was a virgin and didn't care? Zero fucks gibbon. (sorry)

Woman on the bus! A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

What do you get when you put human DNA in a monkey? A lifetime ban from the Zoo

The man who invented autocorrect just died. His funfair will be on Monkey.

What do you call a monkey terrorist? A Baboom!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

My eight year old niece told me this. I think it's pretty funny! An elephant is passing by an apple tree, and he spots a monkey up there. He asks the monkey, "Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?" *"I'm gonna eat bananas now."* "Stupid monkey, you are sitting on an apple tree!" *"Stupid elephant, I got bananas in my pocket."*

A woman gets on the bus with her baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

What if animals "were" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

The birds and the bees talk. A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated) Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the results of the experiment. Scientists walked away from the elephant and monkey pulled out the plug unleashing the shitwave. When flow stopped, a guy that happened to stand further than the others decided to help his friends. He found second scientist standing waist-deep in poop, dug him out, and they both went to find the third guy. Soon they found him - completely covered in shit, but laughing hysterically. "What the hell, man?" - they asked - "That's a catastrophe, it's not really funny" "Yeah, I know" - he replied - "But you should've seen monkey's face when it was trying to shove the plug back"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Oldie - the monkey and the iguana One day iguana is walking through the forest and sees monkey up in a tree just puffing away on a big joint. Iguana yells up, "Hey monkey, can a brotha get a hit of that?" Monkey looks down and says, "Sure little dude come on up." So iguana and monkey sit in the tree and finish off the giant spliff. After sitting for awhile, iguana tells monkey, "I got the cottonmouth bad, gonna go get some water." and toddles off. While drinking from the river, he's so stoned he falls in and starts flailing around. Crocodile comes over and helps him to shore and says, "What the hell was that about?" Iguana tells crocodile that monkey has got some serious weed and crocodile walks off to find monkey. He reaches the tree and yells up, "Hey, monkey!" Monkey looks down, his eyes get really wide, and says, "Shiiiiiit, dude, how much water did you drink?"

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint... A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. How much water did you drink ?

A man walks into a bar for the first time He sees an old blind pianist in the corner with a small monkey on his shoulder. He thinks to himself "This place seems nice" , and he orders a pint of beer. He's looking round admiring the decor when suddenly the blind pianists monkey runs over, and dips his balls in the pint of beer and then runs off. Disgusted , he asks the barman to get rid of the glass and bring him another one. Again he gets distracted for a minute. He looks down and the monkey is dipping his balls in the pint of beer. He shoos away the monkey and says "Right. Time to sort this out" He storms over to the blinds pianist and says "Do you know your monkey has been dipping his balls in my pint of beer " The pianist says "No. But if you hum it I'll play along"

What do you say if there's a monkey hanging out in the operating room? I hope he's not my doctor.

Woman gets on a bus with her baby A woman stepped onto a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed her agitation and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's exactly what you should do," the man said. "Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Ugliest Baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

Guy walks into a bar... He notices an old drunk in a corner playing a piano. There's a scribbled sign that says "Taking Requests" and a tip jar. And on top of the piano sits a mangy looking monkey. The guy sits at the bar and orders a drink. As soon as the bartender sets the drink on the bar the monkey scampers over, jumps on the bar, and dips his balls in the guys drink. Disgusted, the guy walks over to the drunk playing the piano and says, "Do you know your monkey just dipped his balls in my drink?" The drunken pianist looks up and says, "No, but if you hum a few bars maybe I could figure it out."