50+ Mechanic Jokes

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.” Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic Dad:Never said I was a good one

The Lawyer's Car A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

Zero OT? You got it Years ago I worked in a meat packing plant as a supervisor. It had its ups and downs, but overall it's was good. Until a new production manager was hired. We'll call him Bob. Bob didn't come from the floor, or even leadership. He had an engineering background. Whatever, I'll try to keep an open mind. Well my mind was only open for about four and a half mins. First day, first time meeting, he declares he's going to "right the ship" Sure thing boss, right that ship that is already sailing in the right direction. He declares that going forward there will be no more OT. He states we are pissing away money with the amount of OT we pay. I asked for clarification "what about vacation coverage? Sick calls? Etc.). He replies "No OT! No exceptions!". Sure thing boss man. Now I should point out, the department is work in is massive. My direct team at that time was 70 people. There were other rooms that other supervisors looked after for a total of 220ish employees. Now I'm assuming all of you reading this are infinitely smarter than Bob and have figured out that with a team that size, we dont just get one sick call, we averaged seven per day. Vacations? 10% of the workforce was our cut off. Usually we hovered at 12 people a day. Not to mention leaves of absence, people leaving early etc. So, on Friday I went to Bob one last time. I let him know that we are going to be short 19 people next week and ask once more for him to approve OT. I got a flat no in response. I considered going above him, but i figured letting the guy drown would be better. I didn't ask for OT. Employees were coming up to me "boss, are you sure there's no OT next week?" Yes I'm sure Bob wants it that way. Come next week. Two production lines aren't running. Bob comes to me upset demanding to know why two of the lines aren't running? Is is mechanical downtime? No bob, i have no one to run the line. He stammers something about staffing appropriately and having better planning. "I asked you multiple times to approve OT, you said no each time. I was just following your direction". Cue the angry storm off. with him yelling "get some fucking people in here!" Anyways, I then have to call people at home and schedule OT for the rest of the week because Bob sunk our ship instead of righting it. I couldn't staff those two lines that day. For those wondering, not running those two lines that day lost the company $120,000 dollars (no I'm not exaggerating). Bob gets a strip torn off him by his boss a guy I've known at that time for 10 years. He came and spoke to me about it outside (we both smoke) "what the fuck was he thinking? I thought engineers were supposed to be smart?" I choked on my cigarette laughing. Bob lasted about three months.

A priest goes to the mechanic He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."

The Gynecologist had become fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine. The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher. "I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked. "Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

Tasked with defying the laws of physics This happened years ago. I was working in engineering and fabrication and my CEO was a classic micromanager who was also a salesman. To him “the customer is always right” even when the customer has no idea what they’re talking about. We had a project where a customer requested a custom-built sheet metal rack to hold several heavy bottles. Their sketch showed a V-shaped piece to cradle the bottles. But these bottles are heavy, and a V-shape (especially out of thin sheet metal) would inevitably start to deform under load due to the force distribution. I proposed an L-shaped design instead. It wasn’t as “aesthetic,” but it would distribute the weight better, resist bending, and still securely hold the bottles. The customer was fine with this once I explained the mechanics. But then my CEO jumps in. “No, we’re going with the customer’s original idea. Make it V-shaped. They wanted a V, they get a V. I don’t want to explain why we changed it.” He was actually visibly anxious that I wasn’t planning of giving the customer their exact design. I pushed back, explained the issue again, and reminded him the customer already accepted the L-shape — but he doubled down. “Follow the original request exactly” So… I did. I built the V-shaped piece, precisely as requested. Installed it. Placed the bottles on it. Within 24 hours, the V started to deform. Sheet metal bowed outward, and the whole structure looked like it was wilting under pressure. The customer called us and said, “Yeah… maybe your engineer had the right idea.” Guess who had to fix it? Me. Guess what design we went with the second time? My original L-shaped version.

Who gets sent to fix a black hole when it breaks down? A quantum mechanic

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona... ...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

"You can't do that work any more, because it's not your trained specialty..." When I was in the military, my military occupational specialty (MOS) was power generation equipment repair -- or generator mechanic for all the civilians. I was trained on the mostly 5kW and 10kW generators, but when I get to my permanent duty station, they only had a few scrawny 1.5kW and 3kW generators that we occasionally used in the field. Once our motorpool captain found out that I was computer savvy, he had me in the office doing reports and memos and other computer related work. After a while, they even sent me away with another sergeant for a week of training to manage a new application to track vehicle repair work in the motorpool. Things were good for a year or so, and then we had a change of leadership in the motorpool, including me losing my immediate boss (the sergeant who had trained with me). The Sergeant First Class (Big Sarge) was known for doing shady stuff, and they wanted me to be comfortable with a lot less accuracy on reporting through the computer system. I didn't feel like being setup to be the scapegoat for the nonsense I knew they were doing. Due to my lack of cooperation, Big Sarge took me away from that work, and put me back on generator duty, **"because that's your MOS."** Even when we had nothing going on with generators on a regular basis, that's all they had me working on each day. Well, things were fine with the computer stuff for almost two months, until it came time to do all the end of quarter reporting. And none of these dummies in the new clique had ever been trained on the system. So, they fumble around for two or three days, and then Big Sarge tells me right at the end of a motorpool formation that I need to go and help them run the reports -- while we are still in formation. Me: *"I don't know how to do that, Sergeant!"* Him: *"What do you mean? Of course you do!"* Me: *"It's not my MOS, Sergeant!"* Him: *"Drop!! Give me 50, soldier!"* He dismissed everyone else and left me out there until I did the pushups. He was heated, but didn't say anything else to me that day. The next day, he called me aside, privately, and asked if I could *please* help them out. "Sure," I said. He treated me a whole lot better at that point, and I did run the reports they needed. Totally unrelated to this incident, I was transferred to HQ company about 3 months later, and then all his guys had to report to me for these motorpool reports. That was a whole other barrel of laughs, and Sarge always swore I somehow orchestrated that, when I have absolutely zero power, clout or influence to make any such thing happen. But his boys were unable to get away with anything any more, once I was in charge of consolidating the motorpool reports for the whole battalion.

"For every minute you go over the time limit, one of your family will die, starting with your distant relatives and ending with your wife." "So the subject is quantum mechanics," the game show host tells the chicken farmer from Idaho, "and you have 10 minutes to answer the 20 questions."

Three engineers are riding in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer. The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road. "Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time." "Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two." "Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Three Engineers are having an argument... The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body." The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system." The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

My great grandpa destroyed 5 German tanks in WW2 To this day, he is remembered as the worst mechanic the Wehrmacht has ever had

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke. The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas. The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system. All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think? The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey... ... Who were also drinking buddies. One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards. "I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old." "Well," replied Paul, "there is one other option. I've heard drinking jet fuel gives you a pretty good buzz." "Fuck it, I'll try anything once," said Rick, and they grabbed the nearest can of jet fuel and had the kind of time that only drinking buddies can. The next morning, Rick awoke expecting the hangover from hell. To his surprise, he felt fine. Better than fine, even; he felt great! "This is amazing," he thought. "All the fun of drinking, but with no negative effects!" Just then, he receives a call from Paul. "Hey man," said Paul. "How ya feelin'?" "I feel great!" Exclaimed Rick. "You?" "Pretty good, but there's just one thing... Did you fart yet?" "No," said a puzzled Rick. "Why do you ask?" "Because," Paul said. "I'm in Arizona."

How I got My (CDL) Commercial Drivers License If you've seen my other posts in this sub- Reddit, they all seem to do something with trucking. Trucking and diesel mechanics which was my entire adult careers. I think truck driving is mostly about compliance and malicious compliance. I hope this fits here. In high school I went to tech school for auto mechanics. Since I was little, I always wanted to be a mechanic. Upon graduation I went directly to work as a mechanic. The work didn't bother me so much, but I hated the shop, One day I realized the best part of my day was the test drive. So, I thought being a truck driver would be the perfect job for me. So, I worked towards that goal. Soon after my 20th birthday I got a job driving a truck. I loved the open road! Back then Pennsylvania used the class 1, 2, 3, license system. Class 1 was for 18 wheelers. Class 2 was for large trucks over 30K lbs. gross vehicle weight; Class 3 was passenger vehicles. The company I worked for had 2 delivery trucks and I was driver #2. All was great, till.... About 3 and a half years after I started Pennsylvania decided to go with the Federal Commercial Driver's License. The classes all worked the same, with differences. Instead of 1, 2, 3, it is now A, B, C. Class A is 18- wheelers, Class B is all other trucks over 27k lbs. And Class C was passenger vehicles. Class 3 and class C vehicles only needed a regular driver's license to drive them. All other classes required extra testing to get the proper license. Once you had your truck permit you had to be able to get a truck and licensed driver to test drive and practice with. Then take the driving test. Followed by the written test, to get your license. I have a problem. I don't know another CDL driver, nor anyone who will allow me to borrow a truck to take the test. My only other option is to enroll into a truck driving school. At 20 living on my own, that was not an option. Our trucks were originally rated at class 3 because they had no air brakes and weighed 28k lbs. The company chose this route so they could pay drivers less. However, with the Federal class system, our trucks are now class B requiring a CDL So, the characters. There is me (OP). A 20M truck driver. Fred 40ishM (the company part owner) John 30ishM (my manager under Fred). Pennsylvania had a 3-month deadline to get your CDL, or you cannot drive. One day John asks me "Are you going to get your CDL"? I say "I don't know. Is the company goanna pay for it?" "I don't know" said John" "Lemme talk to Fred". At this point I am the only driver they have. John and I work together well. I have a great working relationship with everyone in the company, and our customers as well, well, everyone but Fred. Fred bought into to the company a year ago. From day one he had an issue with me. He always assumed I was doing the wrong thing but never had true cause. Since day one, he would only speak to me if he had to. No small talk, no smile. A month passes and I do not get an answer one way or the other. Till Fred asks me one day. "Are you going to get your CDL"? I say, "Are you paying for it"? "No" he says. So, I reply "No" as well. Another month goes by, and Fred and I have the same conversation. But this time Fred asked," What are you going to do for work"? I looked at him dead in the eye and said, "This isn't the only job"! The malicious compliance. What I knew that Fred apparently didn't realize was that in just over 2 weeks they could not deliver product unless they hire someone for a lot more money to drive. So, they were going to have to comply to my demand or lose 85% of their business! With almost 2 weeks to go till the deadline John says to me," On Saturday take the company pickup, drive to Harrisburg, and get your permit. You will be paid for your time"! I found a few weeks earlier that if I drove the same truck for 3 years, I could get a waiver of the permit. As long as the company owner is willing to sign an affidavit that I drove there 3 years or more, I could skip all of the driving portion, get my permit, then take the written test and get my CDL. I did not tell Fred that. Instead, I went to the other owner of the company and had him sign. Saturday comes, I get on the road at 4am to be in Harrisburg DMV by 5:30 or 6am. When I get there, I am surprised. The line for the DMV runs out the door and around the block! I estimate when they open at 7:00am I will be about 500th in line! It took another 2.5hrs, but I walked out with my permit. Now for the test! To Pennsylvania's credit, they had a firehouse in every county as a temporary CDL testing site. Due to the volume of people who needed testing. I tried to get into 3 different testing sites, but they were packed and closed before I navigated the line to get in. After that my office called around to reserve a spot for me. Finally on Thursday afternoon I get a call to get to a particular testing site in one hour, and I have a seat to

So Heisenberg and Schrödinger are riding in a car… What kind of car, you ask? Why, a Volkswagen Quantum of course. Now, I know what you’re thinking. A Volkswagen Quantum is not a reliable car. Quite right, but remember, these guys are excellent Quantum mechanics. Anyway, they’re tooling along and a cop pulls them over. “Do you know how fast you were going?” asks the cop. “No, I don’t “ says Heisenberg, “but I do know exactly where I am.” “Wise guy, eh?” says the cop. “Alright, then, pop the trunk. I’m going to search the vehicle.” The cop comes back immediately after looking in the trunk. “Jumping Jehoshaphat! Did you know there’s a dead cat back there?” “Well, NOW I do” says Schrödinger.

Cite your sources This was years ago, but it's a pretty solid story so here you go. I was a first year physics undergraduate student and we had about 32 students in our second semester Physics II class. This is largely wave mechanics, optics, and that kind of thing. Anyway, after we all turned in the first assignment, the professor started class the next day with something to this effect, "when you do academic work, you have to cite your sources. You can't claim to have come up with things on your own, so you can't just write things down as true without providing a source. For future assignments, you have to provide a citation for any equation or assumption you make. These should all be from your text but sometimes might come from other places. You should provide the citation and an explanation of why you used it." This caused great annoyance among the class. I honestly don't remember who suggested it except that I know it was one of the non-traditional students in our late 20's. I want to think it was me, but it was probably Dave. So, anyway, we did this. For everything. I think damn near the whole class of 32 cited absolutely everything in MLA format. Homework went from 3-5 pages of work to like 15. He did not have a TA to grade the work, so it took 3 assignments before he cried uncle, if I recall correctly. From that point forward he decided that we could just provide a single paragraph at the end stating where we got stuff and not doing MLA citation everywhere. I would say the work was well worth the result, because it was extremely funny when we all brought up that third assignment and he just dropped his head in defeat as the pile once again looked like a stack of encyclopedias. I think he figured we wouldn't stick with it. We did.

A penguin has some car trouble... A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

a woman and her boyfriend A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!' The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You're going to need a doctor, miss, he's too far in.'

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven... God greets him warmly and says, "Albert, we are all very impressed with your life's work. As a reward, you can ask me for anything you want to know." Einstein says, "I spent my entire life trying to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, but I never succeeded. Please, can you show me the true formula that governs the entire universe?" "Of course," God smiles, and conjures a chalkboard covered in an incredibly complex equation. Einstein studies the massive formula intently. Suddenly, he points at a section and gasps, "Wait... there's a mistake right here!" God nods, "I know."

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down. He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation. Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognizing the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?" Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where they buried me, so I'm moving!"

Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic? He needed to change attire. (I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)

How can you tell a mechanic just had sex? Two of his fingers are clean.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians." The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

My favourite penguin joke A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

My car started making this whining noise... So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out. Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen... The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen. The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight." After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes back of the intercom and says "We've decided to bump all the master craftsmen from this flight to the next, please grab your carry-ons and head back to the gate." The pilot stands next to the door apologizing to the master craftsmen as they disembark. One craftsman says to the pilot "I have to ask, why did you decide to bump us? We didn't commit any crimes, they are the ones who should have to wait longer!" The pilot looks at the craftsman and says "We talked it over and found that the Pros outweighed the Cons."

Why do you make more money? A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?" The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

If God were an engineer... 3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?" The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!" The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical! The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

A blonde tried to sell her old car A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

A proctologist quits his job... A proctologist named Bill decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and after some time the final exam is given. The test solely consists of disassembling and reassembling a car engine. The teacher tells the students, "You have as long as you need to complete the exam, so take your time and work at your own pace." Twenty-eight hours after the exam began, Bill completes the reassembly of the engine and returns home. The next day the teacher calls Bill up to give him the results of his test. Bill is absolutely floored to find that he received a 150 on the exam. "How could I get a 150 on the exam if the test only had 100 points?!" Bill asked. "Well, I gave you 50 points for a flawless disassembly of the engine," replied the teacher. "And another 50 points for reassmbling the engine perfectly." "I'm extremely pleased with the results!" Bill exclaimed. "But where did the last 50 points come from?" The teacher paused for a moment and responded, "Well, I gave you the extra 50 points for doing the whole exam through the tailpipe."

Four engineers in a car... Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart." After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

Three Engineers are Discussing God So, three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God. The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer." and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together. The second engineer says "No, my guess is that he's an electrical engineer" and proceeds to describe how only an Electrical engineer could run an entire body off of such a small amount of power for such a complex system. The third engineer says "Nope, he must be a civil engineer!", prompting stunned silence from the other two. "A Civil Engineer?!" Says one after a long pause, "What makes you say THAT?". The third engineer thinks for a minute and explains "well, only a civil engineer would run a waste pipe through a recreational area!"

Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife ... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic. one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?" Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

Doctor has a point. A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work? The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic... She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best. When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor. He explains it's no error. "You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50% Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that. You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic.... The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

How I got my car fixed. So I'm sitting on the side of the road, car broken down, when a guy pulls up to me. He gets out and asks if I need help. I said, "Sure, if you can fix it." He walks around back and kicks the bumper, slams his fist on the trunk, and twists the gas gap a bunch of times. Then he walks around to the side, opens the door, and slams it shut a few times, then pulls on the front handle for about a minute. He asks me to try it again, and sure enough it starts. I ask him, "Is it fixed?" He says, "No, I tricked the car into thinking it works again. I say, "Wow, you're not too bad of a bad mechanic." Confused, he says, "Mechanic? No.... I'm a Chiropractor."

A penguin is driving his car... A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Heaven is... ... where the police are British, the cooks are Italian, the mechanics are German, the lovers are French and it is all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it is all organised by the Italians.

Blonde car A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 200,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "If I only can sell the car. "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 60,000 miles on it."

What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse A mechanic

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke. This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke. he pulls into a small town and leaves his car with the local mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will be done in about 3 hours and he should go wander the town for a while. So the penguin wanders around, checking a few stores, and then getting ice cream. He checks his watch and realizes it had been 3 hours already. When he gets back, the mechanic tells him "Looks like you just blew a seal". The penguin quickly wiped his beak, embarrassed and replied "No no, I swear it's just ice cream!"

How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex? He has 1 clean finger. src: heard on radio yesterday

Blue seal This penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light is on so he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "no no, it's just ice cream."

Four engineers riding in a car - it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

At the federal reserve a coin press broke down but they can't find out why. The mechanic says: "It just doesn't make any cents."

A penguin is driving his car When suddenly the car starts making rattling noises, smoke starts pouring from under the hood, and it continues to move forward by jumps and lurches. The Penguin sees an auto-shop up ahead and slowly pulls his car into the lot. The mechanic comes out and informs the penguin that's going to take about twenty minutes for him to take a look and diagnose the problem. The penguin looks around and sees an ice cream shop across the street and thinks, "It's a blistering hot day and I've got time to kill." So he waddles across the street and gets himself the biggest vanilla ice cream cone he can get. As the penguin is sitting outside the autoshop going to town on this ice cream cone without a care about manners, ice cream dripping all over his face, down the front of him, and all over the little bench he is sitting on the mechanic approaches him and says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin looks up amazed, wipes his face off, and says, "Oh no, this is just ice cream!"

What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass? An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams

A gynecologist lost his job and became a car mechanic. He's the only one who can repair the car engine from the exhaust pipe.

What's the difference between a mechanical and a civil engineer? One builds weapons and the other build targets.

You're not supposed to understand, it's.. (science joke) A student is in biology lecture when the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's chemistry." So the student later takes a chemistry lecture and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics." So the student later takes a quantum mechanics course and the professor gets to a part he doesn't understand. The student asks, "I don't understand, why does this happen?" The professor answers, "You're not supposed to understand, it's quantum mechanics."

A penguin is driving.... down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic. the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal". "oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop... A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?" The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

What's the difference between heaven and hell? In heaven, the Brits are the police, the Germans are mechanics and the French are cooks. In hell, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics and the Brits are the cooks.

A penguin is driving down a desert road... when his car begins to sputter. He pulls over into a service station and leaves his car with the mechanic. The penguin goes into a nearby ice cream shop and buys a vanilla ice cream cone to try and beat the heat. It's so hot outside that the ice cream begins to melt all over his hands and face as he eats it, leaving a mess. When he's finished his ice cream, he goes back to the service station to check on his car. The mechanic tells him "All fixed. Looks like you just blew a seal". The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream".

Relativity theory In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

Penguin's car breaks down It's a hot day and a penguin is driving his car around when it suddenly breaks down. He takes it to a mechanic who says it will be an hour before he'll know what's wrong with the thing. Now, Penguins do not like heat, so he decides to go get some vanilla ice cream. Flippers however are not good at handling ice cream cones, so he ends up making a big mess. when he goes back to check on his car the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No you don't understand, that's just ice cream"

So, a penguin is driving down the road... So, a penguin is driving down the road in his truck. His truck starts to sputter, so he pulls into a town and finds a mechanic shop. The mechanic says, "Well Mr. Penguin you should go downtown and get something to eat while I see what is wrong with your truck here." "Great idea!" says Mr. Penguin, "I am famished." So, the penguin starts walking do- well, waddling down town, and he sees an ice cream shop. Everyone knows that penguins fuckin' love ice cream so he orders an ice cream cone. He starts to eat it, but it gets all over his beak and face, because he doesn't have any opposable thumbs, he is a penguin. He starts to wal- ddle back to the mechanic shop. The mechanic, who is just finishing up, rolls out from under the truck and says to the penguin, "Well Mr. Penguin, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin shrugs and replies, "Nah, that is just a bit of ice cream."

A young mechanic... A young mechanic was working on a car when the lift broke, and the car fell and severed his arm. Now severely depressed because he had one arm, loved to golf, and couldn't afford a prosthetic arm, decided "well, this is it. This is my end... I will kill myself because I can't play golf nor afford an arm". So one day, the mechanic goes to the tallest building in his town, takes the elevator all the way up to the roof. He stands on the ledge, crying, as he's about to jump to his final destiny. As he looks down, he sees a man, skipping, jumping, happy as can be. He looks closer and realizes the man has no arms. So the mechanic thinks to himself, wow...he's got no arms and is happy as can be! With a new found hope the mechanic steps off the ledge, races down the the street where the man is jumping and skipping along. He tells the man how seeing him skip and jump for joy saved his life, that if he could be happy with no arms, he could surely be happy with one. The man, jumping and skipping again, prompts the mechanic to ask "why on earth are you so happy!??" The man replies, "I am not happy, my balls itch"

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job. The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, "What did you say?" "A rim job!" says the man. "My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job." Realizing that the man was being made sport of, the mechanic felt that it was his solemn duty to keep the game going. "I'm sorry, sir, but we're strictly front-end work only here," said the mechanic. "For a rim job you'll have to go about a mile down the road to Hank's." The man thanks the mechanic and leaves, only to return an hour later steaming mad. "You're a god damned liar!" the man shouted at the mechanic, quivering with rage. Feeling a little guilty, the mechanic decides the joke had gone far enough. "I guess they laughed at you, huh?" says the mechanic apologetically. "You're damn right they laughed! Hank told me that you're an *expert* at rim jobs. In fact, just last week you gave his cousin the best rim job of his life!" "Sir," says the mechanic, "I really have to tell you that a rim job...". "Oh, no, it's too late for that!" interrupts the man, storming off. As he's leaving, a sweet old lady enters the shop and the man stops to take his revenge. "Lady, if you're here for a rim job, just tell that guy over there to kiss your ass!"

Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is Three engineers were arguing about what kind of engineer God is. Electrical engineer: "surely God is an electrical engineer, the brain and nerves are a symphony of exquisite circuitry." Mechanical engineer: "no, look at the ballet between bone, muscle and sinew. God must be a mechanical engineer." Civil engineer: "God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe right through a recreational area." *^\(the* *^joke* *^is* *^by* *^Robin* *^Williams,* *^I* *^think)*

What Engineer Designed The Human Body? Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body. The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer. The electrical engineer diagrams the central and peripheral nervous systems and maintains that it would take an electrical engineer. The hydraulic engineer insists that only a hydraulic engineer could be responsible for the circulation of the blood and the secretions of the many glands. They look to the civil engineer and he says, "Don't look at me. No civil engineer would ever put a sewer outlet next to a recreational area".

Penguin Needs Car Repairs A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out." Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone. After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?" The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream." (Not sure if this has been posted)

What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer? A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.

A penguin goes on holiday... A penguin goes on holiday to the desert. He's driving happily along in his car when it breaks down. Luckily, the car makes it to a service stop with a mechanic. So he asks the mechanic to have a look and the mechanic tells him it will be half an hour. Happy with this, the penguin goes to get an ice cream. Unfortunately, because he has flippers, he makes a right mess of the ice cream and gets it every where. After his ice cream, he goes back the mechanic. As he walks into the garage, the mechanic says to him "looks like you've blown a seal" to which the penguin replies "damn is it all over my face?"

A penguin was driving along... A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

A misunderstanding A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

Three engineering students. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Where does an atom go when it breaks down? A quantum mechanic. lel

n Eskimo was out for a drive An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

Penguin Car Trouble A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A gynecologist decides to make a career change... He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop." The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam. He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car. After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in. "Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points" "im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100" "well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50" "Great! But where did the last 50 come from?" "I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"

A penguin has car trouble.. A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out." Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone. After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?" The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car... when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer speaks up and says, "It must be the engine!" The electrical engineer says, "No, it must be the wiring." The software engineer finally speaks up and says, "Guys, guys... Let's just all get completely out of the car and then get back in."

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!

Three Engineers A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God. The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!" The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!" The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

Another penguin joke This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here. A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car. ...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a payphone within walking distance and the penguin was towed to the nearest roadside gas station/auto repair shop/convenience store. In the auto repair shop, the mechanic popped the hood and told the penguin that they'd call the penguin back once the mechanic could figure out what the problem was. The penguin walked into the convenience store to try and escape the heat. Unfortunately for the penguin, the store air conditioning was not nearly cool enough to keep the penguin comfortable. The penguin frantically searched for anything that could provide relief. Down one of the few isles available, the penguin found a freezer section with a couple tubs of vanilla ice cream. The penguin bought one and buried its head into the cold, refreshing ice cream. A few moments later, the penguin heard an announcement over the store intercom instructing the penguin to return back to the auto repair shop. The penguin pulled its head out of the vanilla ice cream and waddled into the repair shop. The mechanic looked up at the penguin as it approached and said, "Welp, it looks like ya blew a seal." The penguin replied, "Oh no, this is just vanilla ice cream."

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car..... suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic... ...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait. "Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to do for half an hour." He came across an ice cream shop and decided that there was no better way to spend his time than eating ice cream. Having flippers instead of fingers made enjoying the ice cream difficult, and by the time he was finished, a perfect half hour later, he had vanilla ice cream all over himself. Face, beak, flippers, belly-- everywhere. He waddled back to the mechanic, right on time. "So what do you think?" The penguin asked. The mechanic scooted out from under the car and, looking at the penguin, cleared his throat. "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid... so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

So a penguin is driving along one day... ... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone. As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal." "No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

A penguin's car breaks down So he takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him that its going to be a couple of hours until he can get to it. "Oh man," the penguin replies. "It's too hot here for me, I'm a penguin after all." The mechanic tells him there is a grocery store across the street, maybe he can wait there. So the penguin goes to the grocery store, and crawls into the freezer. "This is great!" The penguin exclaims, "so nice and chilly." He then proceeds to relax, eat some ice cream and take a nap. After a few hours he returns to the mechanic. "Did you figure out what was wrong with my car?" "It looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no, this is just ice cream."

I'm an auto mechanic... So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda. But I do understand the Trans mission.

How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean

How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky? He's got one clean finger!

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? Mechanic.

A penguin takes a road trip A penguin decided to take a road trip. Halfway through, his car breaks down and he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 minutes to diagnose the problem, so the penguin decides to walk around a bit and check out the small town. It's hot out, and being a penguin, he's used to cooler weather, so he stops and buys himself a huge ice cream cone. He's eating the ice cream as fast as he can as he's walking around, but it's hot out, and a lot of it melted all over his hands and face. 20 minutes go by, and he heads back to the mechanic. When he gets there, the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal", and the penguin says "Nah, man, that's just some ice cream"

Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid? He said he could stop at anytime.

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic. "So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.." "Yes?.." says the surgeon. "Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?" The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

A Mechanic is down on his luck... He had been unemployed for a rather long time and decided to open a medical clinic. Ouside of the clinic he put a sign that read: "A cure for your ailment gauranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A doctor sees this and thinks this is a good opportunity to make an easy $1,000. So he goes into the clinic. Doctor: I have lost my sense of taste. Mechanic: Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth. The nurse does just that. Doctor: This is gasoline! Mechanic: Congratulations! You've got your sense of taste back. That will be $500. The doctor gets annoyed and decides to go back several days later to recover is $500. Doctor: I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything. Mechanic: Nurse, please bring me the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patients mouth. Doctor: But that's gasoline! Mechanic: Congratulations! You've got your memory back! That will be $500. The doctor leaves angry that he is now out $1,000. After several days he comes back, determined to get his money back. Doctor: My eyes, they're weak, I can't see a thing. Mechanic: Well, I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $1000 check... The mechanic hands the doctor a check for $5. Doctor: But this is just $5. Mechanic: Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.

The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new". "So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks $1,695,759 when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running..."

Three engineers are debating what kind of engineer designed the human body The first says "It has to be an electric engineer! The nervous system resembles some fantastic electrical work!" The second says "It was obviously a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints throughout the human body." The third says "It was a civil engineer! Who else would put a waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A Mechanical Engineer, a Special Projects Solution Consultant, and a Software Engineering were riding in a car over a mountain pass.... ....Suddenly, the brakes fail just as they crest the rise. As they begin to plummet unchecked down the mountain, the driver begins a miraculous set of actions, feathering the body of the car against the side of the mountain as well as other vehicles, while simultaneously downshifting the engine. He brings the vehicle to a precarious halt halfway down the mountain on the narrow shoulder of the road next to a thousand foot drop. The co-workers climb out of the car and assess the situation. The Solution Consultant takes charge and says, "Let's brainstorm ideas! I have a whiteboard in the trunk. We'll ideate some solutions. Then, we'll run through a scenario where we...." The Mechanical Engineer interrupts, "Listen, I have a pocketknife and some appropriately viscous fluids to fill the brake line. I can get us back on the road safely within minutes." They turn to the Software Engineer, who says, "I think our first course of action should be to push this vehicle back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again."

Two airplane mechanics Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says, “Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?” Tim says, “No, why?” Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

The Mechanic who worked in Antarctica. A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!" 1 The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so." The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! So he says "OK I'll be back." He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"

A penguin's car breaks down.. So he goes to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin that it'll be a little while until he figures out the problem. The penguin notices one of his favorite ice cream places down the road and decides to go grab a vanilla cone. The penguin finishes his ice cream and heads back to the mechanic. The penguin asks the mechanic if he has found the problem. The mechanic replies with "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin then replies "No no no! I was just eating ice cream down the street I swear!"